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Granddaughter making bad choices (1 Viewer)

JohnnyU

JohnnyU

Footballguy
First let me say that we raised our granddaughter from age 4 to 18.  I won't go into the failings of her mother and to why we raised her.  We've always tried explain to her the importance of bettering yourself after high school, whether that's college, or some other educational training to prepare her for her future.  Unfortunately she is lacking in the intelligence department on most things, but not all.  She is a hard worker.  After graduating from high school (barely), she moved in with her boyfriend.  That lasted a year, then she got bored with him and moved in with some losers / trashy kids her age.  Well, they had a falling out and was kicked out.  Rather than come back home she moved out of state to her mother.  I guess she had this fantasy of it being some euphoric experienced she missed out on because we raised her.  That lasted 5 months after a huge falling out with her mother that got physical.  Now she is 20 and we told her that she could move back with us as long as she is serious about doing something with her life and quit hanging around those that will not only lose in life, but will drag her down with them.  She said she wanted to attend cosmetology school in February when she moved back in early December.  I thought to myself, perhaps she is maturing some.  She reconnected with a very nice boy she used to date in high school and is the only one that wasn't trash.  Fast forward a couple of months and she's now befriending the same loser she moved in with after leaving her previous boyfriend.  None of them (the girl, or her live in boyfriend have jobs and my granddaughter only works a couple days a week.  I can see what's going to happen.  She's going to make the same mistakes again, throwing away the opportunities we are giving her to succeed in life.  I told my wife there comes a time when you just have to not let it bother you anymore.  Let her make her mistakes and don't give her the ammunition to blame us for trying to control her life as the reason she moves out.  I will tell her however, that if she makes the same mistakes she made before, while we will always want to have a relationship with her, she would not be welcome to live with us again.  Now I'm not saying this is going to happen again, but I see the writing on the wall.  If she was smart she would live here and take advantage of the opportunities we are giving her to better her life.  I feel we've tried our best, but sometimes that isn't good enough.    I don't think she can think more than a day into the future.   There, I'm done venting.

 
that's a rough situation, sorry to hear about it.

have you tried professional counseling? either for her alone, or as a group with you and your wife? i remember when i was about that age making poor life decisions, wasting opportunities, etc. and saw a counselor for about six months (1x a week solo, then 1x week with my parents in a group setting) and it made a profound difference in my personal development and overall outlook.

GL

 
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Quint said:
that's a rough situation, sorry to hear about it.

have you tried professional counseling? either for her alone, or as a group with you and your wife? i remember when i was about that age making poor life decisions, wasting opportunities, etc. and saw a counselor for about six months (1x a week solo, then 1x week with my parents in a group setting) and it made a profound difference in my personal development and overall outlook.

GL
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She's been in counseling her whole life and was diagnosed at the Mayo Clinic for ADHD years ago.  When she took medicine her schoolwork improved.  She's been off her meds for years and barely passed HS.  She doesn't seem to care about her future, only what she's doing today and I believe she lied to us about wanting to do something with her life so she could move back here and be right back to the way she was.  She's an adult now and it doesn't appear any of the counseling she had as a child made any impact on her decision making.  Thankfully she's not involved in drugs or alcohol .....yet.

ETA:  I also made poor decisions as a 20 year old.  You just hope the light comes on at some point.  I once told my late mother, I don't know how you did it mom.  You always had the right thing to say and it took me a long time to realize how right you were.  She responded, "I just wanted to keep you alive until you really grew up".

 
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If she's not into drugs or alcohol then I wouldn't give up on her turning her life around. It just might take her longer too mature than you would expect. I've seen it first hand. Immature/ lazy people all of a sudden turning into responsible adults.

 
shadyridr said:
If she's not into drugs or alcohol then I wouldn't give up on her turning her life around. It just might take her longer too mature than you would expect. I've seen it first hand. Immature/ lazy people all of a sudden turning into responsible adults.
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Pray for the best, prepare for the worst.  This is breaking my wife's heart. 

 
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JohnnyU said:
First let me say that we raised our granddaughter from age 4 to 18.  I won't go into the failings of her mother and to why we raised her.  We've always tried explain to her the importance of bettering yourself after high school, whether that's college, or some other educational training to prepare her for her future.  Unfortunately she is lacking in the intelligence department on most things, but not all.  She is a hard worker.  After graduating from high school (barely), she moved in with her boyfriend.  That lasted a year, then she got bored with him and moved in with some losers / trashy kids her age.  Well, they had a falling out and was kicked out.  Rather than come back home she moved out of state to her mother.  I guess she had this fantasy of it being some euphoric experienced she missed out on because we raised her.  That lasted 5 months after a huge falling out with her mother that got physical.  Now she is 20 and we told her that she could move back with us as long as she is serious about doing something with her life and quit hanging around those that will not only lose in life, but will drag her down with them.  She said she wanted to attend cosmetology school in February when she moved back in early December.  I thought to myself, perhaps she is maturing some.  She reconnected with a very nice boy she used to date in high school and is the only one that wasn't trash.  Fast forward a couple of months and she's now befriending the same loser she moved in with after leaving her previous boyfriend.  None of them (the girl, or her live in boyfriend have jobs and my granddaughter only works a couple days a week.  I can see what's going to happen.  She's going to make the same mistakes again, throwing away the opportunities we are giving her to succeed in life.  I told my wife there comes a time when you just have to not let it bother you anymore.  Let her make her mistakes and don't give her the ammunition to blame us for trying to control her life as the reason she moves out.  I will tell her however, that if she makes the same mistakes she made before, while we will always want to have a relationship with her, she would not be welcome to live with us again.  Now I'm not saying this is going to happen again, but I see the writing on the wall.  If she was smart she would live here and take advantage of the opportunities we are giving her to better her life.  I feel we've tried our best, but sometimes that isn't good enough.    I don't think she can think more than a day into the future.   There, I'm done venting.
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Goodonya, boss. Just keep letting her know your love & support are always there for her - though, if active, they come with rules - and you've done well. Rescuing the lost can turn into helping them lose after a point, and the true act of parental love is to pull back before reaching that extremity. Keep on keepin' on.

 
Man all you can do is make sure you tell her you are there for her. And only do things that show her she can trust you. Don't go doing anything stupid behind her back or to "teach her a lesson," or whatever, without being straightforward and honest with her. Just be there for her and tell her so 100 times a day. In addition to that, make sure you're living your life the same way. Make sure it looks like you're "doing something with your life" or else all that stuff is going to fall on deaf ears if you aren't setting a good example.

I hear you when you say "I don't think she can think more than a day into the future." That's a frustrating one, and I can tell it's been a long time coming for you to get that off your chest. But look out that you don't go slipping into judging her. Try to like her and love her at the same time. And remember that you can't predict the future, no matter how bleak things may look. This is just a natural progression, and I promise that if you don't lose it, and stay patient, and keep your own life in good order that everything will work out and be okay.

 
Hang in there Buddy. I know that has to be incredibly tough for you and your wife to watch someone you love make poor choices. 

A couple of thoughts.

1. You're right in that some point, you have to accept the fact you no longer have the control over them like you did when she was not an adult. I just recently passed this point with my youngest child and it's scary. But there really isn't another option. 

2. At some point, you have to accept the fact you did miles above and beyond what the regular grandparents do. Raising a grandchild puts you in all star human category in my book. It's interesting to me as obviously I make my living connected to the NFL. I can't think of an NFL player I'd cross the street to shake their hand. I just don't know enough about them for the things I value to know.  I put zero value a guy can run fast or jump high or throw a ball well. I put immense value on someone who'll do their best stepping in to raise a grandchild. 

3. Balance the acceptance thing with not giving up. I'm 100% convinced people living today in countries like the US are living in the best time in the history of the world. Because of one thing: The Internet. The internet breaks down barriers and creates opportunities like nothing before it. 

I'm not sure if you know who Gary Vaynerchuk is. He's a marketing guy that does tons of sharing about how to do things. I just listened to this podcast a few days ago and you might get something out of it. https://anchor.fm/garyvee/episodes/Why-the-Internet-Is-Still-Grossly-Underrated--9-of-2019-Top-Podcasts-e9st0o/a-a186hpc .  He's talking to group of young people that it sounds like have had challenging life situations. 

You listen first and see if you think your granddaughter might be able to relate. It also wouldn't pass the language filter here ;)   He talks about being a terrible student and how that's not a good indicator of success. He talks about the opportunities people have today they've never had before. Be warned, he also talks a lot about believing in your own voice and not listening to the people who criticize you, even when it's your parents so that can feel a little scary. 

Here's another huge thing too: for most people, life is LONG. A few hundred years ago, people got married at 15 because they didn't expect to live to 60. That number is changing. Things can happen for good much quicker than they used to. Basically, being 20 and feeling like you're nowhere means you're likely still in the first quarter of your life. Don't think it's over because you started off slow. 

Hang in there Buddy. I'll be praying for wisdom and discernment and clarity and comfort and peace for you and your wife and your granddaughter. 

 
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shadyridr said:
If she's not into drugs or alcohol then I wouldn't give up on her turning her life around. It just might take her longer too mature than you would expect. I've seen it first hand. Immature/ lazy people all of a sudden turning into responsible adults.
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That is a HUGE positive. Addiction issues are tons more complicated and more difficult to handle. If she's not dealing with those, that's a huge positive. 

 
Joe Bryant said:
Hang in there Buddy. I know that has to be incredibly tough for you and your wife to watch someone you love make poor choices. 

A couple of thoughts.

1. You're right in that some point, you have to accept the fact you no longer have the control over them like you did when she was not an adult. I just recently passed this point with my youngest child and it's scary. But there really isn't another option. 

2. At some point, you have to accept the fact you did miles above and beyond what the regular grandparents do. Raising a grandchild puts you in all star human category in my book. It's interesting to me as obviously I make my living connected to the NFL. I can't think of an NFL player I'd cross the street to shake their hand. I just don't know enough about them for the things I value to know.  I put zero value a guy can run fast or jump high or throw a ball well. I put immense value on someone who'll do their best stepping in to raise a grandchild. 

3. Balance the acceptance thing with not giving up. I'm 100% convinced people living today in countries like the US are living in the best time in the history of the world. Because of one thing: The Internet. The internet breaks down barriers and creates opportunities like nothing before it. 

I'm not sure if you know who Gary Vaynerchuk is. He's a marketing guy that does tons of sharing about how to do things. I just listened to this podcast a few days ago and you might get something out of it. https://anchor.fm/garyvee/episodes/Why-the-Internet-Is-Still-Grossly-Underrated--9-of-2019-Top-Podcasts-e9st0o/a-a186hpc .  He's talking to group of young people that it sounds like have had challenging life situations. 

You listen first and see if you think your granddaughter might be able to relate. It also wouldn't pass the language filter here ;)   He talks about being a terrible student and how that's not a good indicator of success. He talks about the opportunities people have today they've never had before. Be warned, he also talks a lot about believing in your own voice and not listening to the people who criticize you, even when it's your parents so that can feel a little scary. 

Here's another huge thing too: for most people, life is LONG. A few hundred years ago, people got married at 15 because they didn't expect to live to 60. That number is changing. Things can happen for good much quicker than they used to. Basically, being 20 and feeling like you're nowhere means you're likely still in the first quarter of your life. Don't think it's over because you started off slow. 

Hang in there Buddy. I'll be praying for wisdom and discernment and clarity and comfort and peace for you and your wife and your granddaughter. 
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Thank you.  Looks like it’s going to get worse before it gets better.  Hopefully the light comes on before she falls so far she can’t recover.

 
shadyridr said:
If she's not into drugs or alcohol then I wouldn't give up on her turning her life around. It just might take her longer too mature than you would expect. I've seen it first hand. Immature/ lazy people all of a sudden turning into responsible adults.
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This. I can’t tell you how many of my friends are torn because their kids not “getting it” at 19 and 20. Flunk out of college for partying as freshmen then can’t get back on track as an example. Some take years but most do figure it out. 
 

I would be more worried about the crowd she hangs with. Depends on your definition of loser/trashy. If drugs and crime it’s one thing. Just not as ambitious as you would want is another. 

 
Judge Smails said:
This. I can’t tell you how many of my friends are torn because their kids not “getting it” at 19 and 20. Flunk out of college for partying as freshmen then can’t get back on track as an example. Some take years but most do figure it out. 
 

I would be more worried about the crowd she hangs with. Depends on your definition of loser/trashy. If drugs and crime it’s one thing. Just not as ambitious as you would want is another. 
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I believe they drink, not sure about drugs, but it wouldn’t surprise me.  I know my granddaughter drinks a little bit but I’ve never seen her intoxicated.  I hope that doesn’t worsen.

 
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JohnnyU said:
ETA:  I also made poor decisions as a 20 year old.  You just hope the light comes on at some point.  I once told my late mother, I don't know how you did it mom.  You always had the right thing to say and it took me a long time to realize how right you were.  She responded, "I just wanted to keep you alive until you really grew up".
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Your momma was right. This is really all you can do. It may not seem like they listen to anything you say but when they do grow up they actually start behavior and doing all the annoying things you said to them growing up. (Both good and bad characteristics). 

You just gotta hope and pray they don't do anything to drastic to F their lives up before they figure it out. No marriage, no kids and no arrests and life is their oyster. 

 
JohnnyU said:
She is a hard worker.
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This will be her saving grace. She has a plan. Even if it turns out to be the most selfish plan in the world - at the end of the day - we all have a plan. Just gotta trust her and have faith! All those kids she is with - herself included - are all trying to improve their lives in the best way they feel is possible for them. When she needs a little encouragement just remind her how hard of a worker she is. When she hears you say that it'll be a nice little smile the two of you will get to share, and something nice for you to look forward to out of all this.

 
ChainsawU said:
This will be her saving grace. She has a plan. Even if it turns out to be the most selfish plan in the world - at the end of the day - we all have a plan. Just gotta trust her and have faith! All those kids she is with - herself included - are all trying to improve their lives in the best way they feel is possible for them. When she needs a little encouragement just remind her how hard of a worker she is. When she hears you say that it'll be a nice little smile the two of you will get to share, and something nice for you to look forward to out of all this.
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I wish it were that straight forward but it isn't.  The people she's hanging around with don't work and don't want to work.  I remember one time back in 2017 that girl was here at our house while my wife and I were away and she talked my granddaughter (or maybe it was her idea),  in taking my car out for a spin (gave lame excuse).  When she was kicked out of that girl's apartment after leaving her boyfriend and moving in with her, my wife went over to get her and her stuff and that girl cussed out my wife in the worst way.  She is not welcome in our home again.  Just today, she told her boyfriend she didn't feel well and wanted to spend the day here not doing anything.  As soon as they came home from lunch she left for a town about half hour away to spend tonight and Monday night with that same piece of trash that kicked her out  almost a year ago.  I just know they are trying to talk her into moving in again and I'll tell you what I told her, she cannot afford to go to cosmetology school and pay expenses living out on her own.  What that really means, is code word for I'm not going to go to cosmetology school, I'm going to live in an apartment with other deadbeats until they kick us out.  My wife told her that if she does this again she will not be living with us in the future.  

ETA:  Making matters worse is that my wife is snapping at me over this whenever I tell our granddaughter how things are and how she should consider the repercussions of her decisions.  My wife and I had complete bliss when she went to her mother's for those 5 months, but again, let her move back in with us when that fell appart,  with the hopes she would do something positive.  I thought we were heading in that direction until her recent re-connection with her previous roommate.  I did tell her today that she is either living here or she isn't.  None of this gone for days and come back here to take a shower and go again.  There is no way she will be able to focus on any schooling doing this,  as someone who barely made it through HS, nor can she afford it.  I have serious doubts about her wanting to go to cosmetology school.  I think it was a sham to my wife and I to move back here and get things exactly as they were before, by eventually moving back in with the deadbeats. 

 
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So you are seeing right through her "plans" basically. Man, she is really winging it right now. I am guessing she has a hard time with empathy. Like, seeing things from other peoples' point of view. It's going to take a lot of patience. And believe me, I am the WORST and have no patience with anyone when it comes to being disrespected by someone like that. I guess the hard thing is just getting her to take a break, stop, and really try to understand what's bugging you so bad right now. That doesn't sound like something she can easily sit down and actually focus on, easily leading you to say how she is "lacking in the intelligence department." Man you are stuck right in the middle of all this brother. There's got to be an easier way to "help" her to understand your side of things here.

 
ChainsawU said:
So you are seeing right through her "plans" basically. Man, she is really winging it right now. I am guessing she has a hard time with empathy. Like, seeing things from other peoples' point of view. It's going to take a lot of patience. And believe me, I am the WORST and have no patience with anyone when it comes to being disrespected by someone like that. I guess the hard thing is just getting her to take a break, stop, and really try to understand what's bugging you so bad right now. That doesn't sound like something she can easily sit down and actually focus on, easily leading you to say how she is "lacking in the intelligence department." Man you are stuck right in the middle of all this brother. There's got to be an easier way to "help" her to understand your side of things here.
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I just want her to make some right decisions for once in her life.  We were trying to not lecture her, but give her all the freedom she needs as a 20 year old, hoping that she would mature and make good choices.  We don't tell her when to come and go, but I did say if you're going to live here and go to school, then live here and go to school, not start spending days with the deadbeats again.   I thought she had the right focus for awhile, then wham, back to square one in just a few days.

 
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She has a ton on her plate too, from the sound of it. Emotionally, with family and her mom and stuff. The whole thing about getting physical with her mom and getting thrown out of there. She must feel terrible about all that, who knows to what extent. At least she's got the "still a kid" excuse, and kind of has that to lean on (it could be worse, I know fully-grown adults who act exactly the same way she is) but she's too busy running away from her emotions to be anywhere close to sitting down and preparing for the future. If it were my girl I'd at least point that out just to let her know I had her back. You said you're "back at square one" but with everything so haywire who's to say where that even is.

 
Just curious why her friends are the trashy losers and you don’t say the same about her. I know the answer, but I just don’t like it when people feel okay with judging others and not using the same microscope to view their own. 
 

Shes 20 years old without parental role models. I’m sure you and your wife did a wonderful job raising her, but the odds are stacked against her. 
 

My feeling is to let her go. She may figure it out eventually. And she will likely fail some more before then. Nothing you can do at this point but support her emotionally. And easier said than done, I know. 
 

Best of luck!

 
JohnnyU said:
Thankfully she's not involved in drugs or alcohol .....yet.
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Hate to stoke a fire but how confident are you of this? Any willingness on her part to move back in with you should come with major conditions...like mandatory drug/ alcohol testing.

 
Maude said:
Just curious why her friends are the trashy losers and you don’t say the same about her. I know the answer, but I just don’t like it when people feel okay with judging others and not using the same microscope to view their own. 
 

Shes 20 years old without parental role models. I’m sure you and your wife did a wonderful job raising her, but the odds are stacked against her. 
 

My feeling is to let her go. She may figure it out eventually. And she will likely fail some more before then. Nothing you can do at this point but support her emotionally. And easier said than done, I know. 
 

Best of luck!
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Right now I am looking at her in the same way as the company she is keeping.  None of them have any money, so I suspect things won’t stay the same for very long.  When she came back from her mother’s I bought her a car, a TV, car insurance, and pay for her phone.  My wife helped her enroll in this cosmetology school and helped her get school aid.  More than half of the cost will be paid for.  I can see it falling apart before it gets started.  It most likely doesn’t have chance anyway and was wishful thinking on our part.

 
dickey moe said:
Hate to stoke a fire but how confident are you of this? Any willingness on her part to move back in with you should come with major conditions...like mandatory drug/ alcohol testing.
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Trust me, I know when someone is drinking or high on drugs.  That isn’t her thing, but what she is doing is bad enough.

 
Hey @JohnnyU I have no answers for you but I have two daughters 19 and 17 so I know a little about girls that age. 

All I can say is....love her. Be there for her when you can. Let her know that your love is unconditional even if you think she is making bad choices. The news about Kobe just now should reiterate to us what we all know anyhow but often forget: change is so sudden, life is short, and we take way too much for granted. 

Best wishes to you and your family. 

 
JohnnyU said:
Right now I am looking at her in the same way as the company she is keeping.  None of them have any money, so I suspect things won’t stay the same for very long.  When she came back from her mother’s I bought her a car, a TV, car insurance, and pay for her phone.  My wife helped her enroll in this cosmetology school and helped her get school aid.  More than half of the cost will be paid for.  I can see it falling apart before it gets started.  It most likely doesn’t have chance anyway and was wishful thinking on our part.
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Please take this in the way that it is intended, but buying her a car, insurance, TV, and phone service is not helping her. It is enabling her. Why would she need to get a job and support her own life when you seem to be doing it for her. You need to cut her off financially and support her emotionally. She will reject you initially, and this will be very hard to accept. But it is necessary for her to figure things out. 

 
Maude said:
Please take this in the way that it is intended, but buying her a car, insurance, TV, and phone service is not helping her. It is enabling her. Why would she need to get a job and support her own life when you seem to be doing it for her. You need to cut her off financially and support her emotionally. She will reject you initially, and this will be very hard to accept. But it is necessary for her to figure things out. 
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We only did those things to make it easier on her so she can focus on school and getting through this cosmetology program.  It sure doesn’t appear she is looking at it the same way my wife and I are.  If she moves out again I won’t be paying for her insurance and phone and the TV stays here.  She will be on her own again.  Those who don’t want to be helped can’t be helped.  The light has to come on from her making, not ours.

 
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timschochet said:
Hey @JohnnyU I have no answers for you but I have two daughters 19 and 17 so I know a little about girls that age. 

All I can say is....love her. Be there for her when you can. Let her know that your love is unconditional even if you think she is making bad choices. The news about Kobe just now should reiterate to us what we all know anyhow but often forget: change is so sudden, life is short, and we take way too much for granted. 

Best wishes to you and your family. 
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Thanks Tim.  I know we don’t agree on politics, but I do appreciate the comments regarding my situation with my granddaughter.  I just hope and pray she figures this world out before something bad happens.

 
johnnyu, i wouldn't cut her off financially yet.  i think that is your greatest tool.  be tranactional.  you say she can't think past tomorrow and is a hard worker.  pay her (as little as possible, she sounds like she might work cheap), to do the least objectionable training to her that will also benefit her. you need to find a motivator to get her to want to do what she doesn't see the value in doing.  her reward may need to be daily. 

 
song said:
johnnyu, i wouldn't cut her off financially yet.  i think that is your greatest tool.  be tranactional.  you say she can't think past tomorrow and is a hard worker.  pay her (as little as possible, she sounds like she might work cheap), to do the least objectionable training to her that will also benefit her. you need to find a motivator to get her to want to do what she doesn't see the value in doing.  her reward may need to be daily. 
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You’re not going to believe this, but the value of a dollar has no meaning to her, and like her mother, she will adjust to any situation she puts herself in.  That’s quite a talent in itself.

 
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I'm sorry johnnyu,  do you know what it is about being with "the losers" that she values?  also, yes, that is a talent.

 
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song said:
I'm sorry johnnyu,  do you know what it is about being with "the losers" that she values?
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Good question.  She has always gravitated towards those types.  Perhaps that’s partly our fault.  Perhaps we didn’t do enough to build her confidence and self esteem.  She’s just like her mother in this regard.  I didn’t raise her mother so I can blame my wife :)......jk.

 
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That is tough. Kids mature at different rates. If she is going to live under your roof, thought on giving her things she has to do - ie work 20 hours a week (at least) , help around the house etc.

My son is 19, my step children are 20 and 22... we have been there with all of them to one extent or another;  Good Luck

 
JohnnyU said:
Good question.  She has always gravitated towards those types.  Perhaps that’s partly our fault.  Perhaps we didn’t do enough to build her confidence and self esteem.  She’s just like her mother in this regard.  I didn’t raise her mother so I can blame my wife :)......jk.
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glad to see the humor.

 
Usually I favor erring on the side of "tough love".........but when there's a possibility of mental illness involved, then I'm not sure if the answer is that easy. It sounds like she needs to be on her ADHD meds. And it sounds like the best way to keep her on her meds is to have her living with you. So......

 
Joe Summer said:
Usually I favor erring on the side of "tough love".........but when there's a possibility of mental illness involved, then I'm not sure if the answer is that easy. It sounds like she needs to be on her ADHD meds. And it sounds like the best way to keep her on her meds is to have her living with you. So......
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She’s 20, I can’t really dictate to her anything anymore.  I’ve decided to just let her make her mistakes and hope nothing tragic happens and she eventually figures things out.

 
It feels like you have the right perspective. I see only love here. 

What is her attitude when you bring up the point about her not being able to afford cosmetology school if she moves out?

Best of luck, hang in there.

 
SaintsInDome2006 said:
It feels like you have the right perspective. I see only love here. 

What is her attitude when you bring up the point about her not being able to afford cosmetology school if she moves out?

Best of luck, hang in there.
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That glazed look of a deer in headlights.  She either can't figure that out or doesn't care. 

 
JohnnyU said:
You’re not going to believe this, but the value of a dollar has no meaning to her, and like her mother, she will adjust to any situation she puts herself in.  That’s quite a talent in itself.
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Of course it doesn't.  A car, etc., magically turned up for her without any effort on her part.  If she doesn't earn it, don't give it to her.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know it sucks.

 
JohnnyU said:
That glazed look of a deer in headlights.  She either can't figure that out or doesn't care. 
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Have you thought about having a group talk, like 3-4 people, uncles, aunts that kind of thing? Just trying to think of something that might help. Good luck, JU.

 
JohnnyU:

First, kudos to you and your wife for everything you’ve done so far.   Huge props for stepping up to raise her.  That’s amazing and inspiring, even though it probably just seems like the thing you had to do.

Second, I have no personal experience with what you are going through in this specific moment, so feel free to discount what I’m about to say.  

Third, what I do have experience with is an ADHD daughter.   She’s only 11, so we aren’t seeing the things you are seeing (yet?).  What I’ve read from “experts” scares the #### out of me.  And what has truly helped me figure out how to interact with and relate to my daughter - to support her in ways that work for her - has been life changing.  It has changed the way that I parent my daughter.  Basically......every instinct I have as a parent is wrong for my ADHD daughter.  Everything that worked with my son so far......doesn’t work with my daughter.  It’s confusing, annoying, draining, challenging.....it’s freaking tough.

Anyway, the only suggestion I can offer is to read up on parenting an ADHD kid.  And get some help from a professional who can give you expert assistance on how best to engage your granddaughter in ways that support her inner wiring.

If interested, I’m happy to PM the names of a couple books we’ve found super helpful.  If not interested, that’s cool too.

Either way I wish you, your wife and your granddaughter all the best.

 
Alex P Keaton said:
JohnnyU:

First, kudos to you and your wife for everything you’ve done so far.   Huge props for stepping up to raise her.  That’s amazing and inspiring, even though it probably just seems like the thing you had to do.

Second, I have no personal experience with what you are going through in this specific moment, so feel free to discount what I’m about to say.  

Third, what I do have experience with is an ADHD daughter.   She’s only 11, so we aren’t seeing the things you are seeing (yet?).  What I’ve read from “experts” scares the #### out of me.  And what has truly helped me figure out how to interact with and relate to my daughter - to support her in ways that work for her - has been life changing.  It has changed the way that I parent my daughter.  Basically......every instinct I have as a parent is wrong for my ADHD daughter.  Everything that worked with my son so far......doesn’t work with my daughter.  It’s confusing, annoying, draining, challenging.....it’s freaking tough.

Anyway, the only suggestion I can offer is to read up on parenting an ADHD kid.  And get some help from a professional who can give you expert assistance on how best to engage your granddaughter in ways that support her inner wiring.

If interested, I’m happy to PM the names of a couple books we’ve found super helpful.  If not interested, that’s cool too.

Either way I wish you, your wife and your granddaughter all the best.
Click to expand...
Thanks for sharing your story.  We went to counseling with her for years starting about the same age as your daughter.  She’s 20 now, so I’m thinking that ship has sailed.  All we can do now is offer support and hope she finds her way in this world.

 
Mrs. Rannous said:
Of course it doesn't.  A car, etc., magically turned up for her without any effort on her part.  If she doesn't earn it, don't give it to her.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know it sucks.
Click to expand...
Actually she paid for half the car from money she earned but we kept for her to use when she really needed it.  When she went to live with her mother she wanted it but we refused because we knew her mother would take it eventually.  As it turned out she went through $800 in a few days, then $1700 in debt.  Then she moved back with us after living with her mother for 5 months.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Good luck. You’ve tried counseling, medication, unconditional love and monetarily helped her at the first sign that she might get serious. If she bombs out a 2nd time I’d say cut the purse strings but love her consistently and when she’s ready to get serious she’ll know she can count on you. 
 

 
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