My son Peter (1 Viewer)

One reason why I live in Cali... Acceptance of everyone is welcome here. I don't get hate toward any group. We are all people with the same rights, or should have. There is so much shaming in this country especially just for how someone looks. I can't wrap my head around it.

I was stunned one day watching The Talk. Marie Osmond had just joined. She is very LDS religious. I had no idea one of her daughters came out lesbian and how supportive and loving she is to her daughter. That's like the last celebrity I'd imagine accepting of this. I never liked her before but I do now. 

You're a wonderful parent. That's what's needed, love and support. How blessed Peter is. Wishing him a life full of love, light and peace. Xx

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

He doesn't want to be a woman pretending to be a guy, he wants to actually be a guy.

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We are in the same situation here and this was at the crux for our D going to male  . We just were told last weekend and  felt so bad this was kept inside so long . He lived on campus the past two years as male. We only get one go around in this world and all that matters to us is happiness and love and support.

[scooter] said:

How have his friends reacted? Are his friends mostly in the LGBTQ community?

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I only know for sure two friends that he's told and yeah, one is trans and the other is bi.  So obviously they're supportive.

Peter has a much larger friend group that doesn't know and he has some concerns about whether they'll all be cool.

Friend of the family has a daughter that transitioned.  She was actually the flower girl in our wedding, I believe it was in high school that she started to come out and go through the hormone stuff 

i know her mom said every since she was little she said she felt like a boy trapped in a girls body

I know my wife is still friends with her mom on Facebook so as far as I know she is doing well
 

oh and most importantly you are being extremely supportive, so I’m sure Peter will be just fine

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

So I'm not sure exactly what I'm hoping for out of this thread, but here goes.  Maybe somebody else has a similar story and will find this helpful.  Or maybe it can just be used to promote acceptance.

Some of you may have seen me mention my 16-year-old daughter Talia in the past, mostly in the Political Subforum.  Most notably here in the Pete Buttigieg thread, where @Sinn Fein managed to get the architect of Pete Buttigieg's campaign to shoot a happy birthday video  in an attempt to dispel the conspiracy theory that Buttigieg was just faking being gay.  

Anyway, in late March, the child I had previously known as Talia came out as trans to me, my ex-wife, and my younger kid.  We now use male pronouns and he has taken the name Peter.  This has all gone on during the pandemic so he's not out at school yet.  Other than my ex wife and daughter and me, I think the only people that know are two or three of Peter's closest friends and some doctors and mental health professionals.

Nothing is set in stone yet but my expectation is that Peter will start hormone replacement therapy in the next few months and will present as male for his senior year of high school.  He desperately wants to start hormones as early as possible.  The process of coming out at school and to grandparents and others isn't something he's looking forward to, but his hope is that he can attend college as a male, and that most people will just see him as male and he won't need to be constantly coming out to people.  I'm actually not sure how colleges assign trans kids to dorms -- I assume there must be some guidance there.  Ideally he would be in a dorm with male roommates, but maybe the roommates are notified in advance that he transitioned?  I guess we'll figure it out.

Anyway, we've had discussions here about transgender military service and transgender bathrooms and all that, but I can't remember anyone ever talking personally about a trans family member.  It feels different when an issue is personal.  I'm incredibly proud of my kid (for lots of reasons) and I guess I felt like sharing this info with the FBG community because I've been here so long a lot of you folks are like family.  And honestly, all that transgender stuff always just seemed like an abstraction back before I had a trans kid, so I'm still in the process of learning and sorting through things myself.

If you have any questions or comments, even if they feel dumb, feel free to post in here.  I know there's likely to be at least a handful of hurtful posts given the subject matter but that's OK, please just let people post stuff and try not to turn this into some sort of combative thread.  This can be a beautiful thread.  I know this place is generally supportive and I expect the vast majority of people to have Peter's best interests at heart.  He's an awesome kid and I'm hoping this thread can also be used to document his transition so I can look back some day and read how I was thinking and feeling at the time. 

Thanks for reading this.

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As I read this I tear’d up (not a thing I do often honestly), not because I am sad but because your love for your child shines through.  As a parent myself I have a particular soft spot for that.  Thank you for sharing your story.  

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

There are definitely people that take this position, but everything I've read makes clear that there are costs to waiting.  Trans kids that get hormone therapy are less likely to commit suicide and report being happier.  And Peter wants to do it ASAP because the transition just looks better the younger you start.  He wants to be a good looking dude.

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Our really close friends’ son who we’ve known and been close with since birth transitioned to be a female in college. She’s been on hormones for a couple years now and will be undergoing the big surgery in the fall. She is so happy now that she is living life as her true self. It’s been awesome to see. But one thing she did before starting hormones was bank sperm. Have you discussed whether Peter is interested in harvesting eggs before starting the transition?  He may be interested in having a surrogate, or even his partner or wife, carry a child using his eggs down the road. 

And I’ll echo the sentiments that others have expressed that Peter is really lucky to have you as a dad. Everything I know about you, including from the times we’ve hung out, shows that you are a loving, supportive and fun dad who has an amazing relationship with his kids. I have every confidence that Peter will flourish with your love to support him through the inevitable rough patches. 

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

He and I had like two weeks of discussions about what name he wanted.  Eventually he picked Peter.  Which led to the absolutely greatest discovery by me a few days letter:

Jennifer Lopez (first initial, first syllable of last name) = J-Lo

Alex Rodriguez (first initial, first syllable of last name) = A-Rod

The first syllable of my last name is "Ness."   

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Lock would be a bad ### name. 
 

edit: I know it’s Loch, but then it would be obvious. Go with the CK. 

bigbottom said:

Our really close friends’ son who we’ve known and been close with since birth transitioned to be a female in college. She’s been on hormones for a couple years now and will be undergoing the big surgery in the fall. She is so happy now that she is living life as her true self. It’s been awesome to see. But one thing she did before starting hormones was bank sperm. Have you discussed whether Peter is interested in harvesting eggs before starting the transition?  He may be interested in having a surrogate, or even his partner or wife, carry a child using his eggs down the road. 

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We have discussed it some.  It's a lot more invasive and difficult to freeze eggs than sperm.  And Peter says he has no interest in ever having a biological child.  So I don't think he's planning to do it but nothing is decided yet.

I don't have any advice on the topic but I just wanted to say you're a great dad 

Well, I am hesitant to post and take anything away from your story, but maybe sharing is for the best as we can see we are not alone in our respective journeys.  I almost posted a couple of months ago and then backed out.  Perhaps your post gives me a little courage.  You are a little further down the road than we are.  In February, my 15 yr old son came to us (myself, wife, and older brother) and said he believes he is a trans.  This really took us by surprise, and we are all still trying to wrap our heads around it.   He claims to have had these feelings for the past 8 months or so.  As shocked as I was when he told us, I calmly told him that I loved him, and while I may not fully understand, I wanted him to be as happy and comfortable with who he was as possible.  If you notice, I am still using the "he/him" pronoun.  He is fine with that right now, and in fact I think he still prefers it for now as it is "easier".  While he has told a few of his close friends, he does not seem to be any sort of rush to move to any sort of transitioning at this point.  He has been growing his hair.  Its getting longer, but it is more bushy than anything (think sideshow Bob!).  He said he is envious of the female body and wishes he could be that way  I think part of his hesitation is that he does not see a clean path to transition even if he were to decide he wants to do so.  He is 6'3" and 300 lbs.  I don't know nearly enough about the process, but that may be a tough sell as a woman. 

My wife is having a very difficult time with all of this.  She does not believe he is trans and thinks this is just a confusing phase he is going through.  One of his friends is a trans (F -> M).  Most of his close friends are girls.  My wife feels like it is this environmental influence that has started our son down this manner of thinking.  He has been seeing a therapist for 2 months now, but this has been a bit awkward.  I approach the therapy as a means of trying to come to grips with his true feelings and sense of self whatever that happens to be, but my wife approaches the therapy as a means of "fixing" him and trying to get him to realize he is not trans.  My son says the therapy sessions are helpful, although he is hesitant to talk to us about the specifics.  It doesn't help that my wife keeps pestering him after every session trying to pry out details.  He gets annoyed by it and feels uncomfortable because of it.  I just try to assure him that when he is ready to talk about the details, I am here.  So far he seems most inclined to talk to his brother.  I keep encouraging my wife to remember that he is has a bright, analytical mind.  He is not just making flippant claims without some deeper thinking, and at the end of the day whatever his his thoughts and feelings may be, they are very much real for him.  At this point I just feel like we are in some state of limbo.  I am not sure where this leads or how fast it gets there.  I have sort of taken the mind set that I just need to wait for him call the shots and let it unfold at a pace he is comfortable with.  Right now I want to be as supportive as possible, but I worry that whatever path is ahead is going to be extremely difficult.  I also worry about my wife.  

Galileo said:

I approach the therapy as a means of trying to come to grips with his true feelings and sense of self whatever that happens to be, but my wife approaches the therapy as a means of "fixing" him and trying to get him to realize he is not trans.

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Who knows, he may end up realizing that he's not trans after all. But either way, your wife should butt out.

Galileo said:

He is 6'3" and 300 lbs.  I don't know nearly enough about the process, but that may be a tough sell as a woman. 

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Think about what he is feeling on the  inside and not what he’s  like on the outside 

This would be a tough one for me because  I am one of those that is totally not in support of allowing a teen to do this and of transitioning in general.

I honest to God don’t know what I would have done but power to you. I do think your kid is lucky to have you despite my previous statements.

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

There are definitely people that take this position, but everything I've read makes clear that there are costs to waiting.  Trans kids that get hormone therapy are less likely to commit suicide and report being happier.  And Peter wants to do it ASAP because the transition just looks better the younger you start.  He wants to be a good looking dude.

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I've seen his dad, so I know he will be.   

In all seriousness, I have nothing to add that hasn't been said much better by others already.  I admire you and Peter and wish you all the best.

HellToupee said:

Think about what he is feeling on the  inside and not what he’s  like on the outside 

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I get your point, but some of those feelings on the inside are influenced by perception of the outside.  

Galileo said:

I get your point, but some of those feelings on the inside are influenced by perception of the outside.  

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Agree. Where he lives is important too. In Cali no one looks twice at anyone, especially the bay area. Just watch the annual lgbtq parade, though it's not on this year. It could be hard to deal in a conservative area no matter how loving the family is. You need friends of like mind imo. Wish her the best. Xx

CurlyNight said:

Agree. Where he lives is important too. In Cali no one looks twice at anyone, especially the bay area. Just watch the annual lgbtq parade, though it's not on this year. It could be hard to deal in a conservative area no matter how loving the family is. You need friends of like mind imo. Wish her the best. Xx

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For what it’s worth, our friend’s son transitioned to a girl and we live in Texas. Their entire community of friends and family have been extremely supportive and accepting, including some extremely conservative folks.  I’m not suggesting it’s the Bay Area By any stretch, but I’m also of the belief that people can surprise you with their humanity. 

bigbottom said:

For what it’s worth, our friend’s son transitioned to a girl and we live in Texas. Their entire community of friends and family have been extremely supportive and accepting, including some extremely conservative folks.  I’m not suggesting it’s the Bay Area By any stretch, but I’m also of the belief that people can surprise you with their humanity. 

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Great point, and it reminded me of my experience with my stepmother.  She's a devout, fundamentalist Christian in southern Indiana.  When I got married (the first time), we had only a small group because the wedding took place in Italy.  It was a week-plus togetherness experience for the 22 of us who were on the trip together, and she ended up bonding closely to my most flamboyant and fabulous gay friend, to the point where they are still friends 20 years later.  She reached out to him after the wedding to ask him a lot of questions about being gay, and to both their credit they had a robust discussion of difficult issues without judgment on either side. 

She told me it wasn't that she didn't like gay people, but that she had just never known or understood them until then.  I think many people who believe they are "anti" this-or-that just haven't been exposed to people who fall into those categories, and once someone close to them comes out in whatever way, their opinions can change.  

krista4 said:

 I think many people who believe they are "anti" this-or-that just haven't been exposed to people who fall into those categories, and once someone close to them comes out in whatever way, their opinions can change.  

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I think this is a really solid piece of advice. I also think my next comment should stand alone so as not to implicate it.

I was also hesitant to comment in this thread because, like TJ, I don't know about teen transitioning and young people in general. I did not know who on earth I was at eighteen or twenty-one, nor what I was capable of doing or becoming.

I worry that in our rush to appear (or actually be) non-judgmental, we may be abiding a person's decision to damage their life fundamentally. I'm a conservative when it comes to inherited wisdom of bodies such as this. My gut is always to leave well enough alone. But I am also aware that some people are born both emotionally and physically intersexed. So this is not to detract from the love and support you give your son Peter, but to just note a caution that I and I think many others have when it comes to this. It is truly an individual decision, though, and only you know what is best for Peter. Good luck and I hope his situation is one of happiness and adjustment. 

Galileo said:

I think part of his hesitation is that he does not see a clean path to transition even if he were to decide he wants to do so.  He is 6'3" and 300 lbs.  I don't know nearly enough about the process, but that may be a tough sell as a woman. 

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Have you considered that he may be at that weight because he's hiding in there?  If your child is that uncomfortable with who he/she is, how could he/she possibly present as anything?

Also, he may not be one gender or the other, but someone in the middle.  It may take a while to know that.  That's what the very specific therapy is for.  If you could get your wife to butt out, it would really help.

Lisa Ling has a lot of episodes of her show that deal with these kinds of issues.  She has the gift of getting people to be able to talk about stuff.  The episode on gender fluidity is available on Amazon here.  Might be worth a go for you.

rockaction said:

I was also hesitant to comment in this thread because, like TJ, I don't know about teen transitioning and young people in general. I did not know who on earth I was at eighteen or twenty-one, nor what I was capable of doing or becoming.

I worry that in our rush to appear (or actually be) non-judgmental, we may be abiding a person's decision to damage their life fundamentally. I'm a conservative when it comes to inherited wisdom of bodies such as this. My gut is always to leave well enough alone. But I am also aware that some people are born both emotionally and physically intersexed. So this is not to detract from the love and support you give your son Peter, but to just note a caution that I and I think many others have when it comes to this. It is truly an individual decision, though, and only you know what is best for Peter. Good luck and I hope his situation is one of happiness and adjustment. 

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Thanks GB, no need to be hesitant, I know this is the view of a substantial number of people.  It's important for me to be challenged in my thinking.  As long as you guys are respectful like you and @T J I hope you'll continue to comment.  

My primary response is just what I said earlier -- there really isn't an option that's a "pause" button.  Forcing a teen to spend years in a body that is making him deeply unhappy is itself an affirmative act with life-changing consequences.  So the best I can do is consider the various alternatives and weigh the likelihood that each choice is best.  I've seen similar numbers to @The_Man concerning the likelihood that a teenager will say he's trans, want to go through medical treatment, and then decide later that it was a mistake.  That's just extremely rare.  If there's a 99% chance that Peter will spend his life living as a man, then it's actually cruel in my judgment to make him wait for years to start the process.  It's not neutral.  

I'd also add a couple things -

1) I know I'm biased, but I view Peter as a really special kid.  He's not like a lot of 16 year olds.  When he approached me about this, that was the culmination of over a year of thinking about it, talking to friends, spending time on trans message boards learning and discussing stuff, researching everything.  I really believe he's fully capable of making this decision on his own.  In a lot of ways I view parental consent as something that is superfluous here.  There is no wisdom that my ex and I can provide to Peter that he hasn't already considered many times over.  

2) I definitely didn't know who I was at 18 or 21.  In a lot of ways it's had negative repercussions my entire life as I've tried to become more of my authentic self.  But to me I think this argument cuts differently than you do.  In my judgment, Peter has figured out some important stuff about himself.  That's kinda huge.  The fact that he has the opportunity to largely resolve what he's going through and move on to other things in life seems to me to be a blessing.

Mrs. Rannous said:

Galileo said:

I think part of his hesitation is that he does not see a clean path to transition even if he were to decide he wants to do so.  He is 6'3" and 300 lbs.  I don't know nearly enough about the process, but that may be a tough sell as a woman. 

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Have you considered that he may be at that weight because he's hiding in there?  If your child is that uncomfortable with who he/she is, how could he/she possibly present as anything?

Also, he may not be one gender or the other, but someone in the middle.  It may take a while to know that.  That's what the very specific therapy is for.  If you could get your wife to butt out, it would really help.

Lisa Ling has a lot of episodes of her show that deal with these kinds of issues.  She has the gift of getting people to be able to talk about stuff.  The episode on gender fluidity is available on Amazon here.  Might be worth a go for you.

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All of this may be true but the situation with Galileo's kid does seem to be a challenge.  Someone that's 6'3" is going to have a hard time just blending in as a woman.

That's actually yet another reason that Peter has indicated he wants to start testosterone earlier -- apparently in some cases when taken at his age it can cause people to grow an inch or so.  Peter is around 5'8", tall for a woman but a little bit short for a man.  He's hoping that maybe with testosterone he can grow another inch or so.

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

Thanks GB, no need to be hesitant, I know this is the view of a substantial number of people.  It's important for me to be challenged in my thinking.  As long as you guys are respectful like you and @T J I hope you'll continue to comment.  

My primary response is just what I said earlier -- there really isn't an option that's a "pause" button.  Forcing a teen to spend years in a body that is making him deeply unhappy is itself an affirmative act with life-changing consequences.  So the best I can do is consider the various alternatives and weigh the likelihood that each choice is best.  I've seen similar numbers to @The_Man concerning the likelihood that a teenager will say he's trans, want to go through medical treatment, and then decide later that it was a mistake.  That's just extremely rare.  If there's a 99% chance that Peter will spend his life living as a man, then it's actually cruel in my judgment to make him wait for years to start the process.  It's not neutral.  

I'd also add a couple things -

1) I know I'm biased, but I view Peter as a really special kid.  He's not like a lot of 16 year olds.  When he approached me about this, that was the culmination of over a year of thinking about it, talking to friends, spending time on trans message boards learning and discussing stuff, researching everything.  I really believe he's fully capable of making this decision on his own.  In a lot of ways I view parental consent as something that is superfluous here.  There is no wisdom that my ex and I can provide to Peter that he hasn't already considered many times over.  

2) I definitely didn't know who I was at 18 or 21.  In a lot of ways it's had negative repercussions my entire life as I've tried to become more of my authentic self.  But to me I think this argument cuts differently than you do.  In my judgment, Peter has figured out some important stuff about himself.  That's kinda huge.  The fact that he has the opportunity to largely resolve what he's going through and move on to other things in life seems to me to be a blessing.

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Your points are taken. Only you and Peter know best and can decide, really. I just felt like on a public message board, you might want an earnest, yet slightly dissenting view from the likely minority view about sex assignment and trans issues at that age. I only wander in because the minority view here might be way more ever-present than one thinks. Trans issues are not as fully accepted by society as are LGB issues.

Anyway, I, probably like others, feel like it's happening all-too frequently and that there may be external and internal pressures that may pass in the person's life when they say, "Oh wait. That's who I am...I never fully thought it through," etc. But I don't want to belabor that scenario because I simply don't know what is right for him from afar and research, as you indicate, doesn't seem to back that position.

On your end, you point out that you view it as a form of cruelty to make him live in a body that doesn't feel like his and have research to edify that. And you also believe that his fundamental understanding of himself belies a precociousness that we rarely see. And you could be right on both accounts. That said, you've handled criticism or question from afar with your usual class. Best to you both. 

I will add this because if you think it’s controversial to transition at 16, doing so at 6/7 is an even bigger jump. My niece was born an identical twin. Her brother is a classic guy. He loves the Green Bay Packers, playing every sport, hunting for frogs in the lake, etc. However Kate (born as Henry) was into traditional girly things from before they could talk.  Wanted her nails painted, play with dolls, wanted to wear dresses, liked anything with a princess, etc. We all kind of joked/assumed Henry would be gay. Well then came all the comments and questions: Does a penis ever go away? Does god make mistakes sometimes? Am I going to be stuck a boy forever? Then came harassment from schoolmates when “he” wanted to play with the dolls and whatnot at school. Then because of the harassment, Henry asked us not to get My Little Pony gifts anymore because Henry didn’t want to get made fun of anymore. This denial led to terrible behavior problems: huge outbursts of anger, tons of crying and even the implication of wanting to actually die. The transition was super difficult. I mean we’ve all probably gotten a radical new haircut or bought some really different outfit when we were young and were nervous about how people would react. Now imagine changing genders and name. But we’ve gotten through that and Kate is so much happier and more comfortable with herself. She still has some issues to deal with as puberty will approach soon and she still feels slighted by the twist nature threw her but it’s very clearly the look and name that matches who she is inside. 

Not surprisingly, my attitude is pretty much the same as Andy Dufresne's.  Your son isn't hurting anybody, so he should be free to live his life however he wants, and people should respect that.  I'll admit that I would struggle with this a bit if it were one of my kids, but I wish you and your family all the best.

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

Thanks GB, no need to be hesitant, I know this is the view of a substantial number of people.  It's important for me to be challenged in my thinking.  As long as you guys are respectful like you and @T J I hope you'll continue to comment.  

My primary response is just what I said earlier -- there really isn't an option that's a "pause" button.  Forcing a teen to spend years in a body that is making him deeply unhappy is itself an affirmative act with life-changing consequences.  So the best I can do is consider the various alternatives and weigh the likelihood that each choice is best.  I've seen similar numbers to @The_Man concerning the likelihood that a teenager will say he's trans, want to go through medical treatment, and then decide later that it was a mistake.  That's just extremely rare.  If there's a 99% chance that Peter will spend his life living as a man, then it's actually cruel in my judgment to make him wait for years to start the process.  It's not neutral.  

I'd also add a couple things -

1) I know I'm biased, but I view Peter as a really special kid.  He's not like a lot of 16 year olds.  When he approached me about this, that was the culmination of over a year of thinking about it, talking to friends, spending time on trans message boards learning and discussing stuff, researching everything.  I really believe he's fully capable of making this decision on his own.  In a lot of ways I view parental consent as something that is superfluous here.  There is no wisdom that my ex and I can provide to Peter that he hasn't already considered many times over.  

2) I definitely didn't know who I was at 18 or 21.  In a lot of ways it's had negative repercussions my entire life as I've tried to become more of my authentic self.  But to me I think this argument cuts differently than you do.  In my judgment, Peter has figured out some important stuff about himself.  That's kinda huge.  The fact that he has the opportunity to largely resolve what he's going through and move on to other things in life seems to me to be a blessing.

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I respectfully disagree with the bolded in a sense.  You may view it as superfluous, but if you consider the alternative to be "withholding of parental consent" and how emotionally damaging that could be, I don't think it's superfluous at all.  That is to say, don't sell yourself (or your ex) short here either.

My daughter's best friend and roommate in college is a trans male.  He stayed in the female dorm rooms the first 2 years before they got an apartment.  I'm sure other colleges handle the situation differently.  

rockaction said:

Anyway, I, probably like others, feel like it's happening all-too frequently and that there may be external and internal pressures that may pass in the person's life when they say, "Oh wait. That's who I am...I never fully thought it through," etc.

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For what it's worth, this is similar to my ex-wife's thoughts on this.  She sees that Peter has a close trans friend, and another trans kid in his big afterschool activity, and thinks it's completely implausible that there could be so many trans kids.  She has suggested that there is at least some chance Peter is being influenced by his environment and that he isn't really trans. 

From my perspective that strikes me as far less likely than the alternative -- that there actually are more trans kids than we know, but only the ones that live in liberal places like suburban D.C. feel comfortable enough and knowledgeable enough to come out.  I don't think there's any specific research that makes clear what the right answer is but my theory seems consistent with what happened with gay people coming out of the closet once some of the stigma was removed,  

Rich Conway said:

I respectfully disagree with the bolded in a sense.  You may view it as superfluous, but if you consider the alternative to be "withholding of parental consent" and how emotionally damaging that could be, I don't think it's superfluous at all.  That is to say, don't sell yourself (or your ex) short here either.

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Oh, I was considering the alternative as "16 year olds are competent to make this decision on their own."  I view my role with respect to medical treatment as superfluous because I think Peter is smart enough and mature enough to decide this without me.

I don't view myself as superfluous to the entire process.  Obviously Peter is still only 16 and needs parental love and support.  I'm very happy to give that.

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

For what it's worth, this is similar to my ex-wife's thoughts on this.  She sees that Peter has a close trans frined, and another trans kid in his big afterschool activity, and thinks it's completely implausible that there could be so many trans kids.  She has suggested that there is at least some chance Peter is being influenced by his environment and that he isn't really trans. 

From my perspective that strikes me as far less likely than the alternative -- that there actually are more trans kids than we know, but only the ones that live in liberal places like suburban D.C. feel comfortable enough and knowledgeable enough to come out.  I don't think there's any specific research that makes clear what the right answer is but my theory seems consistent with what happened with gay people coming out of the closet once some of the stigma was removed,  

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I guess my only concern would be the age at which this decision was made. It’s one thing by the time you’re 16 to realize you have attraction to your same gender, it’s another to think I’m born into the wrong gender.  For such a large change, it seems like such a young age. I switched my college major 3x, kids change their minds constantly. 
 

I just don’t know how you are 1000% sure of something like that at such a young age. 

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

For what it's worth, this is similar to my ex-wife's thoughts on this.  She sees that Peter has a close trans frined, and another trans kid in his big afterschool activity, and thinks it's completely implausible that there could be so many trans kids.  She has suggested that there is at least some chance Peter is being influenced by his environment and that he isn't really trans. 

From my perspective that strikes me as far less likely than the alternative -- that there actually are more trans kids than we know, but only the ones that live in liberal places like suburban D.C. feel comfortable enough and knowledgeable enough to come out.  I don't think there's any specific research that makes clear what the right answer is but my theory seems consistent with what happened with gay people coming out of the closet once some of the stigma was removed,  

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Yeah, I figured that the counter to my thought is that it's just more acceptable so we see more of it, per Occam's razor.

bigmarc27 said:

I guess my only concern would be the age at which this decision was made. It’s one thing by the time your 16 to realize I have attraction to my same gender, it’s another to think I’m born into the wrong gender.  For such a large change, it seems like such a young age. I switched my college major 3x, kids change their minds constantly. 
 

I just don’t know how you are 1000% sure of something like that at such a young age. 

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I was 1000% sure I was male WAY before I turned 16.  I think most people are certain of their gender well before 16.

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

I was 1000% sure I was male WAY before I turned 16.  I think most people are certain of their gender well before 16.

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How would you know any differently?  My brother is gay.  He knew at 16 he had different feelings but didn’t fully understand it until later on.

Im happy for Peter, doubly so because he has supportive parents. My bigger concern would be when he hits 19 or 20 and realizes what he was feeling wasn’t exactly like his friends, it just seemed that way at the time. 

bigmarc27 said:

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

I was 1000% sure I was male WAY before I turned 16.  I think most people are certain of their gender well before 16.

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How would you know any differently?  My brother is gay.  He knew at 16 he had different feelings but didn’t fully understand it until later on.

Im happy for Peter, doubly so because he has supportive parents. My bigger concern would be when he hits 19 or 20 and realizes what he was feeling wasn’t exactly like his friends, it just seemed that way at the time. 

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Right, that's of course a concern but everything I've read indicated that it is very uncommon.  There are many many many more 20 year olds that regret having NOT done hormone treatment than 20 year olds that regret having done it.  Nothing in life is certain but I feel like this is the best decision given the information that's available to us.

bigmarc27 said:

How would you know any differently?  My brother is gay.  He knew at 16 he had different feelings but didn’t fully understand it until later on.

Im happy for Peter, doubly so because he has supportive parents. My bigger concern would be when he hits 19 or 20 and realizes what he was feeling wasn’t exactly like his friends, it just seemed that way at the time. 

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Yeah, these thoughts roll around in the back of my mind as well.  It took me a long time in life to figure out my worldviews and such...politics, religion and such, but gender identity wasn't something I ever really questioned and felt comfortable with who I was from a pretty early age.  One of the hardest things in dealing with this situation is that you can not know the mind of someone else without them communicating it.  So for that reason, I have to trust and believe in the reality of my child's feelings.  Like Peter, I would also say my child is very mature and well researched.  I don't think he is making a whimsical decision here.  However, it is also clear that he seems a little hesitant about expressing as female.  Perhaps fear? Perhaps not wanting to deal with the crap he will encounter?  That's why I am just sort of trying to provide support but waiting for him to drive the process.

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

 He wants to be a good looking dude.

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if he finds the secret have him share it with me because i've been hoping for this my whole life, too and so far..... well.

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

I was 1000% sure I was male WAY before I turned 16.  I think most people are certain of their gender well before 16.

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I don't think I ever thought about it, so I project that onto most people and assume most people/kids/teens/adolescents don't really put much thought into at all. Maybe that's because they are 1000% sure and there's no reason to think about something too much that you are that sure about.

I'll admit to having some of the difficulties that others have expressed here. My assumption is that people feeling like the opposite gender is really, really rare. The more anecdotal stories we hear, though, the less rare it seems. The less rare it seems, the more I wonder if something else is going on. My current conclusion is that it is still extremely rare despite the increase in revelation. There probably isn't a reason for me to assume "something else is going on" just because people are opening up and admitting to others how they feel. It's a good thing that more people can share how they feel. I know I hide my feelings that are far less taboo than being trans, so it is a bit inspiring to hear about others admit something they know will be looked down upon by many people.

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

He and I had like two weeks of discussions about what name he wanted.  Eventually he picked Peter.  Which led to the absolutely greatest discovery by me a few days letter:

Jennifer Lopez (first initial, first syllable of last name) = J-Lo

Alex Rodriguez (first initial, first syllable of last name) = A-Rod

The first syllable of my last name is "Ness."   

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Are you sure it had nothing to do with the birthday message from Mayor Pete's people?

Nothing to add to what many have said...great job raising that young man and kudos to you and family for that.

Hi @fatguyinalittlecoat I don't have much experience or expertise in this so I'm sorry not to be able to offer much. And I know you're not looking for anything specific. I do have 4 children worth of experience with being a dad and I know for certain making sure the kids know they're loved and having honest communication is paramount and sounds like you're great there. Blessings on y'all now and for the future. 

Ilov80s said:

Her brother is a classic guy. He loves the Green Bay Packers

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well.... duh

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

For what it's worth, this is similar to my ex-wife's thoughts on this. She sees that Peter has a close trans frined, and another trans kid in his big afterschool activity, and thinks it's completely implausible that there could be so many trans kids. She has suggested that there is at least some chance Peter is being influenced by his environment and that he isn't really trans.

From my perspective that strikes me as far less likely than the alternative -- that there actually are more trans kids than we know

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There's a third possibility here: that the number of trans people is relatively low, but that your child consciously or subconsciously sought their friendship as a way of dealing with their internal questions about their own identity.

I’m very impressed by the overwhelming response of support you have received in this thread. I think it’s reflective of our amazing evolution as a society on this issue and other issues regarding LGBTQ. I‘ve been a participant of this forum going on 14 years now and I can almost guarantee you that had you started this thread maybe 7 years ago or before that, nearly half the responses you would have received would have been either respectfully negative or else you would have been expressly attacked. How far we’ve come in so short a time! 

krista4 said:

I've seen his dad, so I know he will be.   

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This

WIshing you the best fatguy. Peter is lucky. My cousin's kid is undergoing same thing and his parents have been great as well. They aren't your typical left leaning hippie trans loving folks, but man it has been great to see the supprt and love they have.

Glad you brought this up to us here. The personal nature of these difficult issues are eye opening.

mr. furley said:

well.... duh

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Wasn’t an easy choice since his mom is from Detroit and is a Lions fan and he lives in Chicago but his dad is from Wisconsin so you got to side with dad on the favorite football team.

fatguyinalittlecoat said:

The first syllable of my last name is "Ness."   

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Also this is ####### incredible.

Brilliant p-ness

Ilov80s said:

Wasn’t an easy choice since his mom is from Detroit and is a Lions fan and he lives in Chicago but his dad is from Wisconsin so you got to side with dad on the favorite football team.

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if he wants to go to a game at Lambeau, PM me 

Joe Summer said:

There's a third possibility here: that the number of trans people is relatively low, but that your child consciously or subconsciously sought their friendship as a way of dealing with their internal questions about their own identity.

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I guess this is what I was trying to say. Can anyone here say their thoughts on music, movies, and culture weren’t significantly molded by friends while they were in HS?  I used to listen to all kinds of stuff in HS just because my friends liked it, then my tastes completely changed in college with my new friends, to now what they are today just because I like what I like. 
 

I’m not saying sexuality is as trivial as music preference, just that it’s a confusing time and people want to fit in, so if I’m questioning my sexuality and Timmy says he never fit it and now he’s trans, maybe that seems like the one and only answer to what I’m feeling. 
 

I guess what it boils down to, I’m glad he came to this decision but I’d feel a higher comfort level if his friends had not already made that same decision. 

For the last couple years my niece has gone to a summer camp for trans kids. It’s been a huge positive. She felt really alone- like she was the only person in the world going through this so getting to meet a whole camp of kids and adults who shared her experiences was a game changer.