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I have no patience lately. I walk around triggered all day long. (Surge capacity depleted?) (1 Viewer)

Otis said:
Good call. Rowing in the morning does help, I need to remain committed to that, and guitar in the evening is something I need to do more of. 
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Just breathe. Sit in a comfortable position in a chair, feet flat on the floor, hands on your knees. Breathe in deep through your nose for a count of 7; hold it for 7;  then breathe out slowly for 8.

Do that several times. Try to start doing it for just 5 minutes. Set a timer.

Focus on your breathing, don't try and do anything else. Thoughts and distractions will pop up, just keep following your breath, and let them come and go in your head without reacting to them. Viola.

 
This just reminds me of how glad I am that I recently got out of private practice. Pay cut was well worth it for the increased quality of life. My wife and I have awesome employers who let each of us basically work 50% (one worked 4 hours while the other watched the kids, then switch) for 3 months. Kids are back at daycare now and that had helped the stress a ton.

You gotta get somebody who can help your wife with the kids, and get out of that damn attic at least part of the day.

 
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Zow said:
Zero doubt that it is. Inevitably furnished and air conditioned. 
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Funny. It was a pretty nice attic. Finished and decent sized. A couple of bedrooms; one of which had become my office. A full bathroom. My wife and kids out of pity recently bought me a mini fridge and a Nespresso for up there, because I had some full days where I couldn’t even get downstairs for a water or a coffee. 
 

All that said the AC just went. Apparently some knucklehead before us got central air into the attic not by running ducts from downstairs, but by putting another outdoor air compressor up in the crawlspace above the attic (the true attic I guess). And the thing froze up and leaked and caused condensation since I’ve been running it so regularly this year, and water pooled, blah blah, leak in ceiling and now ceiling starting to come down. So, have to shut off the AC. Getting a contractor in. HVAC guy said in 20 years he’s never seen anything like the disaster of a setup we have up there. So basically I’ll either have to go without AC (not a real option IMO) or transition out of the fairly comfortable office I’ve setup with all my gear, probably to switch to a laptop down in the basement until that all gets sorted out. Pretty solid downgrade I think. We’ll see. Maybe the change of scenery will be good. Surely this will run me at a minimum $5k. 

 
  • Smile
Reactions: Zow
Zow said:
What he's describing is common to the job. There's not a fix to it. It's what was signed up for. 
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Yea, I hear ya. My wife is a paralegal, so I'm somewhat familiar with that world. You lawyers do kill yourselves. I don't understand why that industry is like that, but it is. 

+1 on the hobbies. A definite must.

 
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I hear you GB. Feel like I’ve never worked this hard and no travel for the first time in 30 years is stopping the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” routine with Mrs Smails. Feel like I’m more on edge and not being kind enough. 

One key difference - my dog is my solace. Everything right in the world is in the eyes of that chocolate lab. If my dog was an ##### I would be spending more time in the depression thread. No schtick. 

 
I just scanned the thread so maybe this has been addressed, but how old is the pup?  We got a puppy a year ago after a dog my wife had had for 14 years passed.  It obviously wasnt easy, but one thing that really helped is we got it professionally trained.  And not just a once a week thing.  We sent him off to live with our trainer for two weeks.  Not cheap, but really gives a jumpstart on the training and the dog came back much more well behaved.   Obviously he still had puppy tendencies, but he also had a grasp of a lot of commands and while not perfect, it helped a lot.  Im sure it will be tough for you to explain to the kids that dog is going away for two weeks, but trust me, its worth it.

 
Otis said:
. As a result I’m constant short tempered, pissed, annoyed, frustrated and angry. I used to be an easygoing and fun loving guy. I feel like I walk around the house with a scowl all the time just barking at my kids and the stupid dog.... Whatcha got?
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GordonGekko said:
1) Exercise fixes most everything. If you can't leave the house, buy a kettlebell at minimum. I told you this years ago. The best exercises and the easiest to process with consistency are ones that build a skill set. Given COVID19 and isolation factors, boxing is going to be the only real option for you.

2) Fix your diet. Booze won't help you here. Eating crappy processed foods or whatever won't help you here. If you are home all the time, you don't have an excuse to not eat cleaner

3) Journal. Every time you feel upset, write for 20 minutes non stop. Don't think, just write. At the end of each week, review what you've written. Over time, you'll start to see patterns if you can accept moving to your true authentic self. Most people don't get there, maybe you will

4) When you are under duress, when things aren't going your way, that's your real character. You have to face the things you don't like in other people, then face those same things in yourself without rationalization.

You are NOT an easy and fun loving guy. That's your mask, what you want to present to the world to ensure your status and try to maintain your lifestyle. It's when we are tested, that we know who we are. The real Otis is said short tempered, pissed, annoyed, frustrated and angry. Aside from something going on with mental health, it's always on you to choose who you want to be in life.

Basic rule of life - You have ONE OBLIGATION in this world. Only one thing you MUST DO. That's die. Like everyone else. But between now and death, absolutely everything else is a choice. Until you own that, nothing will get better.

5) Find an activity you can share with other men ( This is why sports are so  valuable, bonding via attrition towards a common goal) face to face. Not talking but doing. Men need a brotherhood to find peace. Find an activity you can share with your wife ( Dancing usually works best) It probably won't save your marriage, but you need to have a shared outlet beyond the mundane of raising children.

6) Children becomes what they see everyday. I told you this years ago. Do you want your children to grow up to be short tempered, pissed, annoyed, frustrated and angry at everything? Because that's what you are teaching them. At some point, it becomes a question if you love your kids enough to fight to be the best version of yourself. If not for your sake, for theirs

7) You don't want advice, you want to complain. You want someone to tell you that who you are right now is OK. You want them to say this because it allows you to avoid telling anyone the truth. You are living a life you don't want, with obligations you don't want, under a format under which you feel trapped. It feels hopeless but if you utter those words out loud, you'll have to face the "real" you and you won't be able to blame a dog or a busted freezer anymore. You crave the freedom you voluntarily gave up on your own. And you resent yourself for it. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. However being a short tempered, pissed, annoyed, frustrated and angry person without owning your choices and your accountability for your happiness makes you a bad person. Real change is hard. It's ugly. It costs you nearly everything. But it's the only pathway to understanding the true cost to getting the freedom you need becomes sacrificing the freedom you've always wanted.

Son, I'm too old and weary to coddle you with a box of cookies. You won't listen, you never do, but never say you weren't told.

It's too late to have the life you want but can't speak about, but it's not too late to find the beauty in the life you do have now.
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This is wrong for like 19 different reasons.  But still good to see someone dust off the old Gekko keys.  

 
ditka...mike ditka said:
I just scanned the thread so maybe this has been addressed, but how old is the pup?  We got a puppy a year ago after a dog my wife had had for 14 years passed.  It obviously wasnt easy, but one thing that really helped is we got it professionally trained.  And not just a once a week thing.  We sent him off to live with our trainer for two weeks.  Not cheap, but really gives a jumpstart on the training and the dog came back much more well behaved.   Obviously he still had puppy tendencies, but he also had a grasp of a lot of commands and while not perfect, it helped a lot.  Im sure it will be tough for you to explain to the kids that dog is going away for two weeks, but trust me, its worth it.
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Oh we’re already lined up for that training.  Soon as he’s old enough — maybe even a little sooner — we’re shipping him off.  

 
Mrs. Rannous said:
That sofa is enormous.  I like the sleeping cubbies.
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How useless are those cubbies.  Imagine you sit up in the middle of the night as a reflex, or you hear a noise in the middle of the night.  You’re just smashing your face into the ceiling??

 
Otis said:
How useless are those cubbies.  Imagine you sit up in the middle of the night as a reflex, or you hear a noise in the middle of the night.  You’re just smashing your face into the ceiling??
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For you, we'll add padded ceilings.

 
Otis said:
How useless are those cubbies.  Imagine you sit up in the middle of the night as a reflex, or you hear a noise in the middle of the night.  You’re just smashing your face into the ceiling??
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Why you telling us?  You're the one that had them built.   

 
Thought about this thread. After being in my attic all morning, went downstairs at about 2. Was sunny and hot out, but felt nice after being cooped up all afternoon in the AC. Made a healthy smoothie and took the dog out back and sat in the sun for a few.  Nice break. In the evening took the dog for a short walk and then got our and took the kids to see some fireworks.  Helped. 

 
This entire work from home is one PIA, is it out of the question to rent a small office or office space where it's pretty safe to show up everyday?

-Do you have a Single friend/guy that has a big enough place where you could maybe go there at least 1-2 days a week and work but at least be removed from the home? Get some distance between you and the Fam a few days. Nobody can work in those conditions for long. It's time to start couch surfing during the day Otis. 

9...6...3...is it about time for number 4? That should get you up and moving. 

-Alcohol will not help, sorry. 

Just between the two of us Otis, you're a smart dude and i kind of hate to hear "I'm lucky I have a good job" those are not Otis words in my book. You are several things but humble ain't one of them and I would expect you to start game planning for the next part of your career, you can't continue on this path long term. Even after this situation dies down a little, maybe it's time to look at new areas of the country or a different lifestyle where you can do more of what you like, spend time with your children, there'll be plenty of time to make more money later, you're never going to really struggle, you're educated and you can walk n chew gum, it's nonsense to be tied down so hard and feel trapped. 

Have you had a chat with your wife and explained how edgy you are feeling and that you are afraid you're going to lose your temper and act like a crazy man trying to buy Swedish Fish? I'm sure if you frame it just right, she'll listen. 

Go for a walk champ, clears your head so you can think clearly. You can't sit in an attic for 9 hours, not healthy. 

 
This has gotten a whole lot better at CASA Otis. In part because our puppy has gone from new awful puppy to pretty cool older puppy. In part because I made my work situation better and committed to making time for myself for work out. And in part because I came up with a secluded workspace and setup that lets me get my job done. All things humming more smoothly here. Settling into WFH life. Seems like it may be the new norm...

 
There was once a farmer in ancient China who owned a horse. “You are so lucky!” his neighbours told him, “to have a horse to pull the cart for you.” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.

One day he didn’t latch the gate properly and the horse ran off. “Oh no! This is terrible news!” his neighbours cried. “Such terrible misfortune!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.

A few days later the horse returned, bringing with it six wild horses. “How fantastic! You are so lucky,” his neighbours told him. “Now you are rich!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The following week the farmer’s son was breaking-in one of the wild horses when it kicked out and broke his leg. “Oh no!” the neighbours cried, “such bad luck, all over again!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next day soldiers came and took away all the young men to fight in the war. The farmer’s son was left behind. “You are so lucky!” his neighbours cried. “Maybe,” the farmer replied.

Things that happen to us are what they are and whether we see them as an opportunity or a disaster largely depends on us and how we respond. This type of story shows us that we don't ever TRULY know how things will all turn out and I use it as a way to keep things in moderation in my life and not get too reactionary or stressed to environmental things. 

-Maybe this period is a time to draw closer to your family, spend time with them and make memories that you never would have in the "everyday rat race" world where you got stuck in that same old routine. 

 -Maybe this period is a time that you are extremely lucky to actually be at home when your puppy is needing the most training and bonding. If the world were "normal" would you guys be coming home to all kinds of puppy messes, torn up things, a puppy learning that his life is being crated for 12 hours a day vs. having all his family around him for you and the kids to bond with? Maybe this experience becomes one where you will look back some day and see that this is how your "best" boy" became your "goodest boy".

-Maybe this period is a time when it helps take stock of your job or lifestyle (mental, exercise, spiritual, etc) and compared to is this how you enjoy living life.  

Otis is a smart cookie and only he walks in his own shoes but the message is "maybe" see the opportunities here as much as the very real challenges (those are all legit) and "maybe" the stress won't seem so stressful.  Best of luck. :)

 
Shutout said:
There was once a farmer in ancient China who owned a horse. “You are so lucky!” his neighbours told him, “to have a horse to pull the cart for you.” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.

One day he didn’t latch the gate properly and the horse ran off. “Oh no! This is terrible news!” his neighbours cried. “Such terrible misfortune!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.

A few days later the horse returned, bringing with it six wild horses. “How fantastic! You are so lucky,” his neighbours told him. “Now you are rich!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The following week the farmer’s son was breaking-in one of the wild horses when it kicked out and broke his leg. “Oh no!” the neighbours cried, “such bad luck, all over again!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next day soldiers came and took away all the young men to fight in the war. The farmer’s son was left behind. “You are so lucky!” his neighbours cried. “Maybe,” the farmer replied.

Things that happen to us are what they are and whether we see them as an opportunity or a disaster largely depends on us and how we respond. This type of story shows us that we don't ever TRULY know how things will all turn out and I use it as a way to keep things in moderation in my life and not get too reactionary or stressed to environmental things. 

-Maybe this period is a time to draw closer to your family, spend time with them and make memories that you never would have in the "everyday rat race" world where you got stuck in that same old routine. 

 -Maybe this period is a time that you are extremely lucky to actually be at home when your puppy is needing the most training and bonding. If the world were "normal" would you guys be coming home to all kinds of puppy messes, torn up things, a puppy learning that his life is being crated for 12 hours a day vs. having all his family around him for you and the kids to bond with? Maybe this experience becomes one where you will look back some day and see that this is how your "best" boy" became your "goodest boy".

-Maybe this period is a time when it helps take stock of your job or lifestyle (mental, exercise, spiritual, etc) and compared to is this how you enjoy living life.  

Otis is a smart cookie and only he walks in his own shoes but the message is "maybe" see the opportunities here as much as the very real challenges (those are all legit) and "maybe" the stress won't seem so stressful.  Best of luck. :)
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Love this.  And totally agree.  I’ve come around to this way of thinking, but nice to have a reminder.

 
Ministry of Pain said:
This entire work from home is one PIA, is it out of the question to rent a small office or office space where it's pretty safe to show up everyday?

-Do you have a Single friend/guy that has a big enough place where you could maybe go there at least 1-2 days a week and work but at least be removed from the home? Get some distance between you and the Fam a few days. Nobody can work in those conditions for long. 
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This is fantastic advice.

I'm usually pretty chill, I think. But lately I've started to not give AF about the things I usually do, including my wife. Only reason I'm still here is the kids.

 
you’re not alone in that this year sucks for everyone. I have tried to find the joys with spending time with my kids. They don’t know how much this sucks, and they can fine the positives and joys in anything it seems. We went to the pool over the weekend and to see the smiles on my kids faces and the fun they were having- that’s what life is about. 

Of course when my kids are a PIA it stings more than it used to. That’s where I’m having troubles. I find myself looking at buying things” to try and help. It won’t, and I have self control, but those carrots are so much more tempting than they used to be 

 
I-ROK said:
you’re not alone in that this year sucks for everyone. I have tried to find the joys with spending time with my kids. They don’t know how much this sucks, and they can fine the positives and joys in anything it seems. We went to the pool over the weekend and to see the smiles on my kids faces and the fun they were having- that’s what life is about. 

Of course when my kids are a PIA it stings more than it used to. 
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Yep

I try to have patience with them, they are having a hard time too. But man, when things 3 and 4 start going at it, I want to lose my mind.

 
-OZ- said:
Yep

I try to have patience with them, they are having a hard time too. But man, when things 3 and 4 start going at it, I want to lose my mind.
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I’ve got thing 4 on the way so my wife has been just exhausted by the time everyone is in bed. That compounds the issues too as we don’t have much time to just sit and talk

 
I-ROK said:
I’ve got thing 4 on the way so my wife has been just exhausted by the time everyone is in bed. That compounds the issues too as we don’t have much time to just sit and talk
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I'd love to tell you it gets easier when they're here. 

:tumbleweed:

 
I'm sure this won't go over well but it's worth noting, the recommended amount of alcohol per day for men has been reduced from 2 drinks per day to 1. https://www.wsj.com/articles/men-urged-to-limit-alcohol-to-one-drink-a-day-amid-new-concerns-11597688916

This seems to be a specific response to concerns with the pandemic. 

I get it. I've found myself drinking more than before Covid.

Basically, the good rule of thumb I think is don't drink to "deal" with issues. It's been my experience alcohol can be troublesome when it becomes "medication".  Again, I know that's not popular. Just passing along what I've seen.

 
Joe Bryant said:
I'm sure this won't go over well but it's worth noting, the recommended amount of alcohol per day for men has been reduced from 2 drinks per day to 1. https://www.wsj.com/articles/men-urged-to-limit-alcohol-to-one-drink-a-day-amid-new-concerns-11597688916

This seems to be a specific response to concerns with the pandemic. 

I get it. I've found myself drinking more than before Covid.

Basically, the good rule of thumb I think is don't drink to "deal" with issues. It's been my experience alcohol can be troublesome when it becomes "medication".  Again, I know that's not popular. Just passing along what I've seen.
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Dead right.  Everyone has been drinking more through this.  And it’s good for none of us.  The joke among us and our friends in town is how ashamed we all are when the guys come to pick up recycling at the curb on Wednesday mornings.  And unlike in the past, now you can’t even pretend it was a big party and not all just your household doing that damage...  Eesh....

 
I-ROK said:
Of course when my kids are a PIA it stings more than it used to. That’s where I’m having troubles. I find myself looking at buying things” to try and help. It won’t, and I have self control, but those carrots are so much more tempting than they used to be 
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Maybe you could make the Carrots smaller treats.  There would still be a small reward, but not some ridiculous bribe.  (Sort of like one of those Advent calendars, but with Lego pieces or soemthing.)

 
Otis I work away from home have one less kid, no dog and put in half the hours.

But between my mil living with us for 8 weeks, my two best friends moving across the country in the last 6 months, and many of my usual favorite activities being taken away I'm also triggered.

Hell I'm posting this from vacation at an awesome lake and it's still hard to relax.

I feel you bro

 
Otis said:
This has gotten a whole lot better at CASA Otis. In part because our puppy has gone from new awful puppy to pretty cool older puppy. In part because I made my work situation better and committed to making time for myself for work out. And in part because I came up with a secluded workspace and setup that lets me get my job done. All things humming more smoothly here. Settling into WFH life. Seems like it may be the new norm...
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Good to hear things are on the up and up.

On a side note, recently read that both Jack Dorsey and Ray Dalio are huge fans of meditation. 

 
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