So I grew up with a verbally abusive father that was an alcoholic. My parents stayed together because he was raised Catholic and "for the kids" until 2007 when my mother couldn't take it anymore and left him while he was gone on a motorcycle trip.
The divorce split my family in half. My father and middle brother stayed close, but never spoke to my mother and I. I also have a youngest brother that I would say my father disowned for lack of a better word.
I got married in 2008. I invited my father to the wedding and still asked him to walk me down the aisle. Even though I had probably only spoken to him 5 times since I had moved out in 2004. I wish I still had the letter that he sent so I could accurately quote it and show you how disgusting it was, but he basically told me he didn't approve of my marriage, that I had been living in sin for the last 3 years and that he would pray for God to have mercy on my soul.
He then sent another letter about a week later saying that he was a forgiving person and would grace me with his presence at my wedding and walk me down the aisle only if I met his conditions. Once again I don't have that letter so I am going off memory. First condition was we had to postpone the wedding for a minimum of 1 year, then I had to move back home with him and pay rent of 400 dollars a month. I was also to limit visits with my fiancé to 3 times a week with no sleep overs and go to a marriage counselor of my father's choice that we would pay for and he could sit in on. He also was nice enough to not count that as a weekly visit.
Obviously none of that happened, however I continued to send him Christmas, birthday and father's day cards every year with no return contact.
So 5ish years later my grandma (my dad's mom) passes away. My father did everything in power to prevent me from finding out. He didn't want me to show up for the funeral. I got notified by a cousin and then contacted my grandpa and asked if it was okay if I came to the funeral. Which he explained to me that he wanted me there and that my grandma would want me there too, but I was still crushed that a family member would go to those lengths to keep something like that from me.
At the showing my grandfather pulled me aside and explained to me that he knew what my father did and how he also tries to forbid my grandparents from going to wedding 5 years earlier. He asked me to be the bigger person, go talk to him and introduce him to his granddaughter.
So I went over and talked to him and introduced him to his 15 month old granddaughter. He asked to hold her and as soon as I handed her over to him she started crying. This made me feel a little better at the time.
Now this might seem normal, except it isn't with my daughter. Ever since she could sit up on her own she has been very out going. She would let anyone hold her. She is 8 years old now and if you met her I am pretty sure you could find out enough about our family to open up several credit cards in our names in about a 30 minute conversation.
Nothing came of this attempt though.
The last time I seen my father was 2016 when my grandfather passed. This time there was no talking, I never had a chance. If I entered a room, then he left. When my family came to the funeral he stood outside in the middle of an Iowa winter and smoked his pipe. When we drove to the cemetery he sat in his car because I was outside to the burial site.
It was then I realized that nothing I could do would change our relationship and I stopped sending cards. It hurt so much. I teared up just writing this all out and reliving it in my mind.
All I can say is move on and surround yourself with good people because life is too short. I am lucky enough to have married a man that treats me great and his family treat me like I am one theirs. We have friends that are like brothers and sisters.