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Mr. Know-It-All

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  1. After a year from hell, culminating in a divorce after a marriage of 31 years which came on the heels of finally being diagnosed with bipolar 1, I figured I would make a public service announcement to anyone here that might be struggling with BP1/2, anxiety or depression, or any other psychological disorder that you might be ashamed to admit or get treated for. Kind of a long read, so if you don't care stop reading now. Basics, I grew up always feeling unlovable/unloved/or having to earn love from parents, friends, classmates, teachers etc. I thought that was normal. So while I did great academically I was always socially awkward and tried too hard to gain acceptance or approval. When I hit my teens and college years I was afraid to approach women for the fear of rejection. My sophomore year in college I met a woman who actually loved me - we dated, got pregnant and married in a short period of time - however I still felt I always had to earn her love of she would leave me. Brief pause for an important tidbit - you don't develop Bipolar disorder - you either have it or you don't. The symptoms may become more pronounced over time - but it is something you have or you do not have. One of the typical symptoms of Bipolar 1 is feeling unloved or incapable of being loved. So I had symptoms but just assumed it was a natural way to feel since I did not know better. Several times early in our marriage my wife would threaten to leave me if I did not leave the Air Force because she wanted to be closer to her parents. This exacerbated my feelings of being unloved - although she had no idea she was dealing with a BP spouse so I can't blame her but it was torture. As the marriage progressed we eventually had 5 kids together but I had several episodes which in retrospect SCREAMED Bipolar - and one of those hypomanic episodes led to me being hospitalized where the doctor suggested treatment for anxiety, depression and possible BiPolar - but my wife said the doctor was a quack so I went on untreated. Finally this time last year - September 14th to be precise I was promoted to a managerial position unwillingly and it set off my final hypomanic episode which lasted until the Monday after the Super Bowl. From September 14th until that day I slept very little, worked long hours, was in a constant manic state in which I was always busy but unproductive due to racing thoughts, paranoia. Many times I thought of self harm with no real plan but always thought about it as my only way out. I never attempted anything because I still wanted everything for my family and if I did self harm they would be left high and dry. So I suffered in silence. The Monday after the Super Bowl in 2021 I headed to work like any other day - but then made an irrational decision to just get on the highway and drive south to wherever I could find warmer weather. Find some wilderness area and go out in the woods to die. I shut off my phone so I could not be tracked and started driving. When I didn't show up at work and they couldnt get hold of me - everyone panicked and police were called. I drove from Omaha to almost St Louis and somewhere short of St Louis I realized I needed help and going somewhere hoping to die was not the answer. So I turned the car around and headed back. As I headed back I realized how stupid I had been and now NO ONE could love me because I might be crazy. Before I got back to Omaha I stopped by a Walmart and picked up a bottle of Tylenol PM - drove to the cemetery where my Mom was buried, parked the car and took the bottle of pills. Thank God my brother thought of the fact I might be out near the cemetery as I was extremely close to my mom. The police found me and took me to the hospital where I was checked in for psychiatric treatment - after they got the pills out of my stomach. It was during this treatment that I was FINALLY diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and since that time through medication and therapy I have been able to see all the red flags in my life that should have made me get diagnosed sooner. My BP is now under control and the therapy has allowed me to rediscover who I am and realize my illness doesn't define me - it is just a challenge i get the opportunity to battle for some reason unknown to me. Unfortunately the manic states that are typical of BP1 patients were too much for my wife to bear which led her to seeking a divorce this summer after 31 years of marriage, 5 kids and 5 grandkids. I am at peace with it, because God knows she put up with a lot all those years I ws undiagnosed. I am now on a happier path, living alone with peace not just for the divorce but also toward my battle with BP. Moral of the story - our society tells us mental health problems are something to be ashamed of. They are not. Seek care. Speak out. Engage your significant others, friends and family for support. I wasted a marriage on 30 + years of my life by trying to run and hide from an illness. I don't want any of you to do the same. Mr. Know-It-All
  2. Guatemala should be about empty by now. I could move there and become king.
  3. Very good points. Definitely I see our company will not cover relocation and I assume they will pay based on where you live (good or bad). For instance our QA testers in Chicago have the same function and experience as our QA testers in Omaha - but the Chicago employees make more due to COL. Same with our employees in Colorado and Arizona. So the Omaha emplyees tend to make less marginally but there money stretches further. What will suck is if people move here and the COL goes up but our salaries stay the same (you know you only have leverage when you accept a job and when you accept a promotion). Ageism I am not as worried about - with all of these new positions create to ensure corporate wokeness, it would be incredibly foolish of them to then even think about ageism. Another thing Omaha is part of the silicon prairie - we are drawing a lot more talent from the coast and no one wants to work on the coast due to wildfires, and immigration, and economy etc. However what worries me more is we now have a 24 hr capability with development teams in the US and mirror development teams in BLR. They can hire 3 programmers in BLR for the cost of one in the US. If they are just throwing numbers at programs they can hire 100 BLR for the price of 30 US. They will suck and have no domain knowledge but some managers see it as just a numbers game not a talent game.
  4. Yeah - so I was raised hard core catholic and divorce wasn't even a consideration. I was pretty pissed when I found out she knew ten years ago and then dumped it on me now that i'm in my 50s. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination - but I put other people first to a fault and that is what burned me in this marriage. I ignored all the warning signs knowingly but thinking somehow someway it was going to change. But every day when I was thinking it was steak day, it was still the same old turd sandwich. So while she is not a nice person, I was also allowing it to happen. Thanks God that is in the past (it will be final on Oct 5 - we have a waiting period in Nebraska after papers are filed).
  5. So we met at 19, decided to get married because I was going into the Air Force after college. She got pregnant so we moved the wedding date up. She HATED the Air Force and said we could stay married or I could stay in the Air Force. I caved. Moved back to Omaha have kid #2. She never really emotionally committed to the marriage as she has a overly tight relationship to her mother so much so that even decisions we should have made as a couple went through her mom. After kid 2 things were a little better but still no emotional intimacy. Along came kids 3 and 4. I was so wrapped up in being a good Dad and provider that I hardly paid attention to the lack of emotional intimacy. Kid 5 arrived and we were done having kids. Now she was pulling away and we felt like strangers living under the same roof. I thought divorce was out of the question so worked my ### off to try to "make" her love me (hint that is impossible). Once she hit 40 she decided that when our last kid graduated she was going to file for divorce and try to find happiness on her own. Now she didn't tell ME this until the divorce actually went down. Those last ten years were the worst. No emotional intimacy, no physical intimacy and for the most part not much more than contemp...but again I tried my best to make it work (I was a fool). So, no cheating, no alcoholism or drug use, no abuse - just a person in a marriage that didn't value the marriage. I wish her well. She is a good Mom, good grandma - just a crappy wife. I have my flaws as well - but ultimately it came down to her decision and I am thanful for it or I would have stayed on in a loveless relationship indefinitely.
  6. The other thing I forgot to mention is I got my first US patent and copyright on software I created. Im still finishing conversion to iOS and Android but when I finish that it goes on the market and maybe I will be retired within the next year or so depending on how well it sells. Im trying to sell the patent and copyright and be done with it so I don't have to do the marketing and long term maintenance. Market value assessment was $4-$10M but its worth $0 until I see a check. The divorce has slowed down my progress on getting it wrapped up. But the patent is good for 20 years so Im not in a hurry. Dont think I am not a little happy that she gets none of it according to the divorce agreement.
  7. Yeah this is great advice - I got a 2BR townhouse and one is my bed room and the other is dedicated office space only. I have had a hard time separating personal life and work life in m current arrangement where my office was my bedroom. So definitely this has already been planned for. The hidden perk though is I can travle anywhere and work ot of a hotel room if I want to go visit a different state for a week. Work in the day (and sight see during the night or vice versa.
  8. My pathetic Cardinals have given me no reason to watch baseball this year other than a few Yadi and Wainwright milestones. Then our genius GM picks up Lester well past his prime - thanks for that 5 spot in the first today you freaking bum. Go back to Chicago and help them suck.
  9. After having mandatory work from home since March 13th of last year, today the company announced that going forward while we have the option to come into the office the expectation is we will all continue working from home. All of the cubicles in our main office will not be assigned and must be reserved if you are planning to come into work. Not only that but we are free to live ANYWHERE, but they will not pay relocation costs if we choose to move. As a 53 year old computer programmer who NEVER meets with clients this is the biggest perk the company could have possibly offered. I literally never have to GO to work again. Half my team is in India and we meet remotely anyway. Anyone else have this flexibility and what is the downside I must be missing?
  10. Looking back as my son enters his senior year of college and baseball will be done for me unless any of the grandkids play. I wish I would have pushed him less, enjoyed things more and not even thought about levels of competition until 13U or 14U...just so he could get a few years of competitive ball in before high school. Now he turned out perfectly well adjusted, is a great student and a great ball player....but I think I robbed him of some joy by always over analyzing things as he should have just been learning at his own pace. Just my two cents as a baseball dad coming to the end of a 14 year journey.
  11. Hopefully I'll be on more now. Been a tough couple of years ending in a divorce this year after 31 years of marriage - 5 kids and 5 grandkids. So I'll be here a lot more if anything just for the company and a few good laughs. Glad to be back - and for any new people please do not be mistaken in thinking that I know anything , let alone knowing it all. Crazy fact - two people married this long can have an amicable divorce that doesn't involve infidelity, alcoholism or any other sordid activities. We just married too young and she wanted a fresh start before it was too late. I'm down with that, I don't like people anyway.
  12. I know rush is an acquired taste but I love all of their work even their quirky late 90s stuff.
  13. Typically YouTube but my college kid keeps telling me about Spotify
  14. Hell yes - I don’t even care if it’s effective as long as I can get back to watching my kid play baseball. Thought four years of college ball would be a blast to watch...list his entire soph year to shutdown and hoping his junior year is not the same.
  15. for Gods sake they've locked me in my house for 9 months and I don't get out - that is why I am asking for more tunes.
  16. Okay how have I not heard of Blackberry Smoke - 6 songs in and not a bad song yet. Really digging them. Arctic Monkeys also really good so far. Rammstein listened to 4 songs and really like the sound - but I don't speak German so there's that. They vaguely remind me of Danzig with a splash of Type O Negative. ACDC love the new album - same old dependable ACDC sound.
  17. So after going through my hundreds and hundreds of CDs - I narrowed down my top 10 artists (yes I know there are many HUGE bands not included in this list - but for whatever reason these are my top 10). What I am asking is if there are some music experts out there - take a look at this Top 10 and recommend other artists that I might like. In reviewing my list it is hard for me to define a genre - kind of a mix. 1. Electric Light Orchestra (1) 2. Lynyrd Skynyrd (6) 3. Rush (4) 4. Motorhead (10) 5. ACDC (3) 6. Metallica (5) 7. Smashing Pumpkins (7) 8. Red Hot Chili Peppers (9) 9. Foo Fighters (2) 10. System of a Down (8) Chronological list, but in parens I rank ordered them. Hopefully one of you music snobs can diagnose my music palette and provide some similar artists.
  18. our league is in its 27th year. This week I faced the 12th place team (I am fighting for the 6th playoff spot) and he puts up the 3rd highest weekly total in the 27 year hostory of our league...while I put up the 3rd highest score for the week and lose. Highlights on his roster - QB - Watson RB - Henry and Gibson (really??????) WR - A Robinson, J Jefferson, and AJ Brown and this team was 3-8 before facing me. Holy bad luck, Batman.
  19. Not cut and dried - on its face it seems shady; but I can understand where someone would put a condition on a trade like that all other things being equal. I suppose NOTHING should be done now - but in the future amend the rules to explicitly not allow this type of deal in the future???
  20. Had first pick in draft - now sitting at 4-6/1-3 in division. Why? RB1 - Chubb RB2 - Ekeler RB3 - Ingram RB4 - Mostert so in a 2RB league Ive been having to start Gus Edwards and Latavius Murray most weeks. my WRs - OBJ got hurt, Golloday has been hurt my TE - Ertz has been hurt or worthless my DL - Danielle Hunter has not played a snap The only studs I have are Mahomes and Tucker (a freaking kicker). And when Mahomes has a good week I am facing teams thta blow there wad on me (Dalvin Cook, Davante Adams, etc) 2020 needs to be done.
  21. A term that the mid- to upper- level management feels the need to utter when introducing any new features to our software. Roughly translated - create the most viable product, don't try to deliver to the customer everything they could possible need for that feature.
  22. This is one of my fears as well - rioting emboldened by lack of consequences for rioting will only make it worse. I don't blame this all on the left because I do believe there are agitators stirring things up from the right as well. First amendment rights should not allow for violent riots and destruction of others property and livelihoods. However there is a fundamental right to protest - so I hope protestors are heard and rioters are punished harshly.
  23. Intentional reference to National Enquirer and the melodramatic left...but thanks pal!
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