Otis
Footballguy
Bam. 2013, and time for your fantasy season to really begin.
Up until now, you were likely planning to use your first few picks on some big name studs. You had all your draft magz stacked waist high and there's a picture of Arian Foster on the cover and you are so, so psyched to draft him. Shark move right?
You guys know the drill, but for the new gups:
Let's sharpen up the claws and have at it...
QB
Mike Vick
Are. You. Serious.
What the heck is Mike Vick doing going around QB15? HE'S MIKE VICK. The man is a heartless, puppy munching, cannon-firing deathslinger, and he's going to remind RG3 who in this league is the best at putting up video game-like fantasy stats week after week. The guy is a walking video game. It's like the two nerds from Weird Science brought a video game guy to life, and Mike Vick steps out of your television, and he's all matter-of-factly "how many dozen touchdowns do you want this week and should I just go ahead and run for a hundred yards too?"
Don't listen to some nerd rizzer96 over at the FFTubeToday boards shrieking about how Vick is "finished." The same guy probably thought Tiger Woods was finished, and he's now #1 in the world again.
And just like that, Mike Vick will be #1 in the world again. #1 in your fantasy world.
You’ll get him around QB15, but he’ll finish in the top 5. If I felt like predicting numbers, I might tell you he'll throw for 2500 yards, rush for another 950, total 25 TDs passing and a bunch more rushing, but frankly I'm just so excited about Mike Vick coming out of my television set that I'm really not in the mood.
Top 5 QB finish
RB
Daryl Richardson
I remember when Jamal Charles was too small. And Darren Sproles. I also remember when they exploded your fantasy website with a brzillion points.
Daryl Richardson is going to explode your fantasy website with a brzillion points. He's a crapton faster than you realize. Sharks have been zoning in on that one 40 time like it's a crystal ball; hawks realized way back when that he ran that 40 on a slippery track, on an off day, after pounding a rack of White Castle burgers, and that he'd run the 40 faster than that many other times. What, that particular run is the one that's the only one that matters? The guy decimated every other goofy drill they have there, including the pine cone collecting, and the waffleboard shuffling, and the three-legged prancing, and none of that even matters because the hawks knew all along that he was just one hell of a football player and that the likes of Pead and Stacy never in a million years had a shot at the job.
Take him way late as something like the 32nd RB off the board, and watch him very quietly make you look oh so handsome and cool among your leaguemates as he comes in around RB10. Even if you're small.
RB8 - RB12 finish
Shane Vereen
Ridley isn't special. Ridley isn't special. Ridley isn't special.
Say it until you understand it. Because the sharks in your league are picking Ridley just after the top 10 RBs, which means they are totally wasting their time and would have been better off drinking more beer at the draft and passing on that pick.
Shane Vereen is going to benefit from the murderer going to prison, Gronk playing too much flip cups this offseason, the entire WR corps being a bit of a joke, and the Patriots still managing to be a super effective offense. Vereen is like the pretty girl you wanted to take to the prom because she was pretty AND smart AND really funny AND had no hesitation about knocking back a 12 pack with you and putting out. Shane Vereen is smart, and pretty, and he can run fast, and catch a ton, and has slick moves, and he is totally going to put out.
He's rolling off the board also around RB32. He'll finish around RB10, Ridley will finish behind him, and you'll have the sharks in your league scratching their heads at the end of the season trying to understand how the hell the two guys got flipped on their cheatsheets.
RB10 - RB14 finish
WR
Anquan Boldin
You know who Anquan Boldin is right? No? You probably forgot. You probably sort of stopped thinking about him. You know that old saying when you see a smoking hot chick walking down the street, "somebody is tired of her"? The magic wears off; the hot chick becomes just sort of OK, and then she starts to sound shrill and annoying, and pretty soon you're hiding money and trying to maneuver the divorce negotiations. Anquan Boldin's shimmer has worn off. And him being on the Ravens of all places? Man, that was like putting a nice coating of dust on top of the worn-off shimmer. Which is perfect for us hawks. Nobody thinks Anquan is sexy anymore. But you know what? He's still way sexier than you think. He'll still be out there strutting, and flexing, and playing rock-solid, reliable, workmanlike football and racking up stats week after week. Big Kaep has to throw yards and touchdowns to somebody, and there really aren't many other somebodies in San Francisco. Pick 'Quan way late and get way early production out of him -- the best year he'll have since his peak years in Arizona.
1100+ yards, 8+ TDs
Sidney Rice
Sidney Rice is tall and enjoys catching footballs for money. He's also criminally undervalued this year. Percy Harvin is hurt again, and when he's not hurt he'll have a headache, and someone has to catch thunderbolts from Russel Wilson this year. He's as close to a possible home run you can get in the mid to late rounds of the draft.
Off the board around WR50; top 20WR finish
TE
Jermichael Finley
Jermichael Finley is a really big, mean, fast man, with a gigantic chip on his shoulder. The man has something to prove. Maybe a few things. Like, that he can catch, that he can run into the end zone, and that he can win you fantasy championships. This is like a double-fake, because the sharks got all excited about him for years, and then they all soured on him, and now MetFan47 is advising you that everyone is over that and that Finley isn't any good. He's an idiot. Finley is like one of those giant football robots they have on Fox, and he's going to stomp into your living room, wake your baby, and have your wife blushing and putting on perfume.
He's been going around TE10, so it isn't the most value of our picks here, but do not be stunned to dial into your Prodigy account in week 4 and see that he's the top ranked tight end in the NFL.
Top5 TE finish
K
"The Leg"
I know this is a surprise, even to the other diehard hawks among us. Usually we tell you to just throw a dart at a dartboard and select your kicker that way, because only plebes put any thought at all into a kicker. Well, this ain't usually. Greg Zuerlein is anything but usual. He's the reason you should never buy one of those 3D televisions, because if you do I can guarantee you that Greg Zuerlein will kick a football into your living room, regardless of where in the country you're sitting.
THE GUY KICKS 50 YARD FG'S LIKE HE'S THROWING ROCKS IN THE OCEAN. He kicks them like extra points. 60 yards? That's like the other kickers going for 40. He'll shatter some records this year, he'll shatter your television, and he'll shatter the confidence of the sharks in your league.
If you're playing to win -- if you really are calling your shots and swinging for the fences -- you pick The Leg somewhere around the 12th kicker off the board, and you have him in your lineup every single week. Including on his BYE week. He's that good, and when he breaks NFL records this year you'll be thinking to yourself "####, Coach told me this would happen."
Top3 K finish
That's it for this year. Fly high and stay dry my feathered friends.
- Coach
Up until now, you were likely planning to use your first few picks on some big name studs. You had all your draft magz stacked waist high and there's a picture of Arian Foster on the cover and you are so, so psyched to draft him. Shark move right?
You guys know the drill, but for the new gups:
This is it. The 2013 All-Value All-Otis All-Hawk Team. Toss your first few picks in the crapper and start from scratch. Don't be the nerd who brings a stack of handwritten notes to the draft. Don't be the even bigger nerd who's got an extension cord running out poolside because you need to fire up a draft spread sheet on the Pentium laptop. You roll in without any cheatsheets or sheet cheats or draft rankings or ADPs or APDs; when it's your turn in the first few rounds, you just politely decline to pick. Grab a few beers, wait for the mid-rounds, and then make your fantasy magic. Babe Ruth wasn't great because he won a bunch. He was great because he called his shots and then smashed baseballs out of the stadium. Step up to Hawk level, call your shot and crush it.
Let's sharpen up the claws and have at it...
QB
Mike Vick
Are. You. Serious.
What the heck is Mike Vick doing going around QB15? HE'S MIKE VICK. The man is a heartless, puppy munching, cannon-firing deathslinger, and he's going to remind RG3 who in this league is the best at putting up video game-like fantasy stats week after week. The guy is a walking video game. It's like the two nerds from Weird Science brought a video game guy to life, and Mike Vick steps out of your television, and he's all matter-of-factly "how many dozen touchdowns do you want this week and should I just go ahead and run for a hundred yards too?"
Don't listen to some nerd rizzer96 over at the FFTubeToday boards shrieking about how Vick is "finished." The same guy probably thought Tiger Woods was finished, and he's now #1 in the world again.
And just like that, Mike Vick will be #1 in the world again. #1 in your fantasy world.
You’ll get him around QB15, but he’ll finish in the top 5. If I felt like predicting numbers, I might tell you he'll throw for 2500 yards, rush for another 950, total 25 TDs passing and a bunch more rushing, but frankly I'm just so excited about Mike Vick coming out of my television set that I'm really not in the mood.
Top 5 QB finish
RB
Daryl Richardson
I remember when Jamal Charles was too small. And Darren Sproles. I also remember when they exploded your fantasy website with a brzillion points.
Daryl Richardson is going to explode your fantasy website with a brzillion points. He's a crapton faster than you realize. Sharks have been zoning in on that one 40 time like it's a crystal ball; hawks realized way back when that he ran that 40 on a slippery track, on an off day, after pounding a rack of White Castle burgers, and that he'd run the 40 faster than that many other times. What, that particular run is the one that's the only one that matters? The guy decimated every other goofy drill they have there, including the pine cone collecting, and the waffleboard shuffling, and the three-legged prancing, and none of that even matters because the hawks knew all along that he was just one hell of a football player and that the likes of Pead and Stacy never in a million years had a shot at the job.
Take him way late as something like the 32nd RB off the board, and watch him very quietly make you look oh so handsome and cool among your leaguemates as he comes in around RB10. Even if you're small.
RB8 - RB12 finish
Shane Vereen
Ridley isn't special. Ridley isn't special. Ridley isn't special.
Say it until you understand it. Because the sharks in your league are picking Ridley just after the top 10 RBs, which means they are totally wasting their time and would have been better off drinking more beer at the draft and passing on that pick.
Shane Vereen is going to benefit from the murderer going to prison, Gronk playing too much flip cups this offseason, the entire WR corps being a bit of a joke, and the Patriots still managing to be a super effective offense. Vereen is like the pretty girl you wanted to take to the prom because she was pretty AND smart AND really funny AND had no hesitation about knocking back a 12 pack with you and putting out. Shane Vereen is smart, and pretty, and he can run fast, and catch a ton, and has slick moves, and he is totally going to put out.
He's rolling off the board also around RB32. He'll finish around RB10, Ridley will finish behind him, and you'll have the sharks in your league scratching their heads at the end of the season trying to understand how the hell the two guys got flipped on their cheatsheets.
RB10 - RB14 finish
WR
Anquan Boldin
You know who Anquan Boldin is right? No? You probably forgot. You probably sort of stopped thinking about him. You know that old saying when you see a smoking hot chick walking down the street, "somebody is tired of her"? The magic wears off; the hot chick becomes just sort of OK, and then she starts to sound shrill and annoying, and pretty soon you're hiding money and trying to maneuver the divorce negotiations. Anquan Boldin's shimmer has worn off. And him being on the Ravens of all places? Man, that was like putting a nice coating of dust on top of the worn-off shimmer. Which is perfect for us hawks. Nobody thinks Anquan is sexy anymore. But you know what? He's still way sexier than you think. He'll still be out there strutting, and flexing, and playing rock-solid, reliable, workmanlike football and racking up stats week after week. Big Kaep has to throw yards and touchdowns to somebody, and there really aren't many other somebodies in San Francisco. Pick 'Quan way late and get way early production out of him -- the best year he'll have since his peak years in Arizona.
1100+ yards, 8+ TDs
Sidney Rice
Sidney Rice is tall and enjoys catching footballs for money. He's also criminally undervalued this year. Percy Harvin is hurt again, and when he's not hurt he'll have a headache, and someone has to catch thunderbolts from Russel Wilson this year. He's as close to a possible home run you can get in the mid to late rounds of the draft.
Off the board around WR50; top 20WR finish
TE
Jermichael Finley
Jermichael Finley is a really big, mean, fast man, with a gigantic chip on his shoulder. The man has something to prove. Maybe a few things. Like, that he can catch, that he can run into the end zone, and that he can win you fantasy championships. This is like a double-fake, because the sharks got all excited about him for years, and then they all soured on him, and now MetFan47 is advising you that everyone is over that and that Finley isn't any good. He's an idiot. Finley is like one of those giant football robots they have on Fox, and he's going to stomp into your living room, wake your baby, and have your wife blushing and putting on perfume.
He's been going around TE10, so it isn't the most value of our picks here, but do not be stunned to dial into your Prodigy account in week 4 and see that he's the top ranked tight end in the NFL.
Top5 TE finish
K
"The Leg"
I know this is a surprise, even to the other diehard hawks among us. Usually we tell you to just throw a dart at a dartboard and select your kicker that way, because only plebes put any thought at all into a kicker. Well, this ain't usually. Greg Zuerlein is anything but usual. He's the reason you should never buy one of those 3D televisions, because if you do I can guarantee you that Greg Zuerlein will kick a football into your living room, regardless of where in the country you're sitting.
THE GUY KICKS 50 YARD FG'S LIKE HE'S THROWING ROCKS IN THE OCEAN. He kicks them like extra points. 60 yards? That's like the other kickers going for 40. He'll shatter some records this year, he'll shatter your television, and he'll shatter the confidence of the sharks in your league.
If you're playing to win -- if you really are calling your shots and swinging for the fences -- you pick The Leg somewhere around the 12th kicker off the board, and you have him in your lineup every single week. Including on his BYE week. He's that good, and when he breaks NFL records this year you'll be thinking to yourself "####, Coach told me this would happen."
Top3 K finish
That's it for this year. Fly high and stay dry my feathered friends.
- Coach
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^v^)>
I'd still rather have the woman 
Those were both awful
