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A friend's gift that my wife doesn't want. (1 Viewer)

Galileo

Footballguy
Quick context...My wife has been battling breast cancer, and her mastectomy is scheduled for today.  I am killing time in the waiting room as she is currently in pre-op.  Over the past few months friends and family have been very generous offering meals, sending flowers, cards, etc...  Throughout, my wife has been a bit uneasy about it all (especially the meals) as she prefers not to be the center of attention, and she she doesn't want to be a charity case.  I get that, but it is hard to tell people "no thanks" when they are expressing their care and concern for our well being.  We do appreciate it.   

Anyway, I have a close friend who has arranged for a housekeeper as a gift to us.  My wife doesn't want it.   This is a close friend whom my wife knows very well also.  He is a very persistent type of person.  When he told me about his plan, I said..."oh that isn't necessary.  We appreciate the thought, but don't bother. We are fine".  So yesterday he hands me a name and phone number and tells me its all set up just to call her to set up a time/schedule.  When I told my wife, she said "we can't accept this. I don't want someone getting a housekeeper for us."  I hate to insult my friend by refusing his gift (and knowing him, he would be irritated), but I got to side with my wife right?  I guess he'll get over it.

 
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Hastur

Footballguy
Absolutely side with your wife.  You just need to explain to your friend the thought and care they put into choosing this gift is amazing and you are very grateful for what they are trying to do.  However, it makes you uncomfortable to accept this gift.  Human enslavement just isn't your thing.

 

AAABatteries

Footballguy
Especially considering the circumstances, you have to side with your wife but I would point out how it will make things easier for both of you and focus on getting her healthy.  Good luck - throwpawishes to her and you.

 

IC FBGCav

Footballguy
Also, if he is a real friend he shouldn't be that insulted.  What you want in your time of need should be more important than his ego.  If not, later dude.

 
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Galileo

Footballguy
Also, if he is a real friend he shouldn't be that insulted.
Probably...As I said, he would get over it.  Maybe frustrated is a better word than insulted, because he has been wanting to do something for us, and figures this is it.

 
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stbugs

Footballguy
Wtf wouldn't you want a housekeeper? I got one for my wife and she was ecstatic and stopped pestering me about the house not being clean. Best money I ever spent. 
I know the side with the wife thing but why not? This would make you and your wife’s life a little easier in a rough time. I don’t want to say your wife is being selfish but won’t this help you as well? I’m assuming that either the house gets a bit dirtier or you clean it, right? My wife can be like this sometimes but we both work and have housecleaning coming every couple weeks.

If you have plenty of time you can do what you want but I’d say this is a really nice gesture that I wouldn’t say no to if I was dealing with the same thing. That said only you know how your wife feels. It will, however, make your lives easier and I’d much rather spend time making my wife feel better than clean the house. 

 

Galileo

Footballguy
I know the side with the wife thing but why not? This would make you and your wife’s life a little easier in a rough time. I don’t want to say your wife is being selfish but won’t this help you as well? I’m assuming that either the house gets a bit dirtier or you clean it, right? My wife can be like this sometimes but we both work and have housecleaning coming every couple weeks.

If you have plenty of time you can do what you want but I’d say this is a really nice gesture that I wouldn’t say no to if I was dealing with the same thing. That said only you know how your wife feels. It will, however, make your lives easier and I’d much rather spend time making my wife feel better than clean the house. 
I'm with you.  My buddy and his wife were looking for a housekeeper for themselves, and his wife asked me who we used.  I told her we didn't use one, but that I was actually considering it lately.  So this is where they got the gift idea from.  I'm all for it.  

 

ChiefD

Footballguy
Tell your friend you appreciate it but can’t accept.

Look, your wife is feeling very vulnerable right now. She is “losing” something today that she has no control over. She does, however, have control of her house. So you let her have her house.

 
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brun

Footballguy
I wish you and your wife well.

I don't always understand why some people seem to be so against others doing nice things for them. However, in this case I think your friend was presumptuous to arrange for a service that would entail a stranger coming into your home no matter how much they trust the person. You could say thanks, but no thanks, as a stranger in your home would add stress to an already stressful situation and the love and kind gestures you've received is all you need. 

 

stbugs

Footballguy
I'm with you.  My buddy and his wife were looking for a housekeeper for themselves, and his wife asked me who we used.  I told her we didn't use one, but that I was actually considering it lately.  So this is where they got the gift idea from.  I'm all for it.  
Then I don’t get it. I’d figure out how to propose it to your wife. 

 

parasaurolophus

Footballguy
I must have different kinds of friends. 

1. If i told them no and he heard me, it would never happen. 

2. If for some reason he didnt hear me and did it anyway. I would be able to say to him with no risk of hurting his feelings that it was something we didnt want and that would end it. 

 

parasaurolophus

Footballguy
stbugs said:
Then I don’t get it. I’d figure out how to propose it to your wife. 
We got a gift from my wife's sister once of a cleaning service. We both hated it. Of course the couple days before they were coming turned out to be super hectic for us so the house was out of order. We had bad weather too so lots of boots and snow stuff around the entry way. I even dropped a pan of tater tots or something out of the oven the night before. So saturday morning we basically had to clean to get to get the house cleaned. My wife was concerned too about judgment issues since she knew that this was somebody her sister knew. 

Turned out to be more stress than it was worth.

 

simey

Footballguy
We got a gift from my wife's sister once of a cleaning service. We both hated it. Of course the couple days before they were coming turned out to be super hectic for us so the house was out of order. We had bad weather too so lots of boots and snow stuff around the entry way. I even dropped a pan of tater tots or something out of the oven the night before. So saturday morning we basically had to clean to get to get the house cleaned. My wife was concerned too about judgment issues since she knew that this was somebody her sister knew. 

Turned out to be more stress than it was worth.
I have a friend that has a cleaner come in twice a month to deep clean the house. My friend always cleans before the cleaner comes, because she doesn't want her to think they live like pigs (which they don't). 

 

shadyridr

Footballguy
Galileo said:
I'm with you.  My buddy and his wife were looking for a housekeeper for themselves, and his wife asked me who we used.  I told her we didn't use one, but that I was actually considering it lately.  So this is where they got the gift idea from.  I'm all for it.  
I think you need to convince your wife and figure out why she is so opposed. It makes little sense IMO.

 

simey

Footballguy
I'm sorry about what your wife is going through, Galileo. I think people bringing food is a nice gesture, since your wife and yourself can be drained with everything going on, and it gives you all an easy meal. As for the housekeeper, I think a lot of people don't want one for various reasons. The most common reasons have been said such as a stranger in the house, and some home owners have the tendency to clean before the housekeeper comes, because of the notion they will be judged, and also the simple fact they want to take care of their homes themselves. There are also many people that do enjoy having a housekeeper, even if it is once a week or every two weeks. 

Well wishes to your wife, and I would go along with whatever makes her comfortable. 

 

shadyridr

Footballguy
We got a gift from my wife's sister once of a cleaning service. We both hated it. Of course the couple days before they were coming turned out to be super hectic for us so the house was out of order. We had bad weather too so lots of boots and snow stuff around the entry way. I even dropped a pan of tater tots or something out of the oven the night before. So saturday morning we basically had to clean to get to get the house cleaned. My wife was concerned too about judgment issues since she knew that this was somebody her sister knew. 

Turned out to be more stress than it was worth.
My wife thought like this the first time the cleaning lady came but then she realized that was silly. The cleaning lady is a foreigner who barely speaks English and does an amazing job cleaning our house. I doubt she is judging us.

 

Galileo

Footballguy
OK fair enough but why wouldnt your wife be interested? She wants to clean the house?
1. Doesn't think this is a type gift of someone should give to someone else

2. Pretty much what parasaurolophus said above applies here.

3. Doesn't want someone around the house while she is there recovering over the next couple weeks

 
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rustycolts

Footballguy
Galileo, I hope all goes well today for your wife.  I am sure your friend meant well and was only trying to help.  Perhaps you could tell him due to your wifes recovery time and therapy to follow it would be just to hard to schedule a time for a cleaner.  Tell a little white lie make your wife happy and shows appreciation for your friends thought.

 

shadyridr

Footballguy
1. Doesn't think this is a type gift of someone should give to someone else

2. Pretty much what parasaurolophus said above applies here.

3. Doesn't want someone around the house while she is there recovering over the next couple weeks
I find when people are sick the best "gifts" are freeing up time. People making food, people cleaning the house, etc. Its definitely appreciated. But Im not your wife. If it were me, Id try convincing her and if she still protests dont push any further and just thank your friend and say no thanks.

 

Bull Dozier

Footballguy
parasaurolophus said:
I must have different kinds of friends. 

1. If i told them no and he heard me, it would never happen. 

2. If for some reason he didnt hear me and did it anyway. I would be able to say to him with no risk of hurting his feelings that it was something we didnt want and that would end it. 
Agreed.  I certainly don't have time as a husband and father to maintain adult friendships with other guys who don't respect me or my wife's wishes, nor people who you have to dance around their feelings or play games with what they mean.  I have my parents and siblings to do that with, so I don't need more friends like that.

 

Galileo

Footballguy
I'm sorry about what your wife is going through, Galileo. I think people bringing food is a nice gesture, since your wife and yourself can be drained with everything going on, and it gives you all an easy meal. As for the housekeeper, I think a lot of people don't want one for various reasons. The most common reasons have been said such as a stranger in the house, and some home owners have the tendency to clean before the housekeeper comes, because of the notion they will be judged, and also the simple fact they want to take care of their homes themselves. There are also many people that do enjoy having a housekeeper, even if it is once a week or every two weeks. 

Well wishes to your wife, and I would go along with whatever makes her comfortable. 
My wife didn't want any of this either...but there is no stopping this.  It has happened and will continue to happen.  A couple of funny stories on this...

A group of people form work ordered a meal for us one day from a local market.  They brought me a box of stuff.  I glanced in an saw a loaf of bread, a container of green beans, and a metal tray that was covered.  When I opened it at home, I discovered the metal tray was full of more green beans.   :lmao:   It turns out it was supposed to be a tray of  Lasagna.  The market accidentally sent the wrong tray.  We had enough green beans for 20 people.

On another occasion, my son's basketball team was having a team dinner.  I got a call from one of the mom's that they had a bunch of leftovers and were going to bring it by the house.  I told here I wasn't home, but my son should be there.  When I got home, I asked my son if Mrs B. brought by food from the team dinner.  He said not that I am aware of.  I called Mrs. B and she said that she left it on the front porch.   I looked...nothing there.  It turns out she took it to the wrong house.  We never did figure out which house she took it to.  But someone got an odd delivery that evening of a bunch of taco fixings left front heir front porch.  She had to be way off on the house, because none of my immediate neighbors got tacos either.  I thought it was all pretty funny, but Mrs. B felt bad and cooked up a bunch of chicken and brought over later that night.  Then I felt bad for her going through the trouble to do that.

 

Galileo

Footballguy
Galileo, I hope all goes well today for your wife.  I am sure your friend meant well and was only trying to help.  Perhaps you could tell him due to your wifes recovery time and therapy to follow it would be just to hard to schedule a time for a cleaner.  Tell a little white lie make your wife happy and shows appreciation for your friends thought.
Thanks for the well wishes.  This is pretty much where I am at.

I hope your wife is doing well also.

 

rustycolts

Footballguy
Thanks for the well wishes.  This is pretty much where I am at.

I hope your wife is doing well also.
Thank you.  She seems to be doing as well as can be expected.  She is going through radiation now,  I'm just trying to be as supportive as I can.

 

Galileo

Footballguy
Thank you.  She seems to be doing as well as can be expected.  She is going through radiation now,  I'm just trying to be as supportive as I can.
:thumbup:   Radiation is the next phase for us after the Mrs. heals up a little from the surgery.  

 

simey

Footballguy
My wife didn't want any of this either...but there is no stopping this.  It has happened and will continue to happen.  A couple of funny stories on this...

A group of people form work ordered a meal for us one day from a local market.  They brought me a box of stuff.  I glanced in an saw a loaf of bread, a container of green beans, and a metal tray that was covered.  When I opened it at home, I discovered the metal tray was full of more green beans.   :lmao:   It turns out it was supposed to be a tray of  Lasagna.  The market accidentally sent the wrong tray.  We had enough green beans for 20 people.

On another occasion, my son's basketball team was having a team dinner.  I got a call from one of the mom's that they had a bunch of leftovers and were going to bring it by the house.  I told here I wasn't home, but my son should be there.  When I got home, I asked my son if Mrs B. brought by food from the team dinner.  He said not that I am aware of.  I called Mrs. B and she said that she left it on the front porch.   I looked...nothing there.  It turns out she took it to the wrong house.  We never did figure out which house she took it to.  But someone got an odd delivery that evening of a bunch of taco fixings left front heir front porch.  She had to be way off on the house, because none of my immediate neighbors got tacos either.  I thought it was all pretty funny, but Mrs. B felt bad and cooked up a bunch of chicken and brought over later that night.  Then I felt bad for her going through the trouble to do that.
:lol:     There are times when someone we care about is going through a hardship, and we feel helpless in helping. One way to help in circumstances such as your wife's, is supplying a meal for the family to take the load off. It isn't charity, it is love.

 

rustycolts

Footballguy
Have some pure aloe ready ( make sure it is pure with no vitamin e or alcohol ) and some Aquaphor.  The radiation causes something that is almost like a real bad sunburn.  Those items seems to help.

 

rustycolts

Footballguy
My wife wanted no one to know about her condition because she wanted to avoid all the well wishes.  The only ones who knows are her sisters and brother who are out of state and our daughter.  I told her to reach out to others because I thought the support would help, but she would not have any of it.  I on the other hand reached out to people here and it helped of course I am not the one who is sick.  I just showed this thread to my wife and she understood where your wife was coming from completely.

 

Beef Ravioli

Footballguy
Sorry to hear about the circumstances, prayers for you all!

My wife would be the same way and would not want someone to see her “dirty” house. My wife is a great housekeeper but she doesn’t think she is. Not sure if that may be part of your wife’s concerns. 

I personally would just put it on the back burner and check with the wife in a few weeks (or months) and see if she may want to take advantage of it then. If she has to do radiation/chemo, she may be open to it down the road???

 

D-Day

Footballguy
T&Ps for your wife. 

My wife went through some serious health problems and we ran into the same issues.  The problem I had with meals were when I had dishes to return.  If you provide meals to someone, put it in something they can throw away.

I did hire a housekeeper to clean our house every two weeks, and it helps out a lot.  After the first couple of times, it will become a welcome relief of something you don't have to do.

People are offering you help out of love, and one of the toughest things to do is accept their gifts of love.  It says something about your family to have so many reach out to you in this time of need.

 

Tom Servo

Nittany Beavers
brun said:
I wish you and your wife well.

I don't always understand why some people seem to be so against others doing nice things for them. However, in this case I think your friend was presumptuous to arrange for a service that would entail a stranger coming into your home no matter how much they trust the person. You could say thanks, but no thanks, as a stranger in your home would add stress to an already stressful situation and the love and kind gestures you've received is all you need. 
It's because we are better at giving than receiving.

 

Galileo

Footballguy
I interrupt the housekeeper nonsense to report that I just talked to the surgeon and the pathology report on the lymph nodes is NEGATIVE!!  All went smoothly from her end.  Reconstructive team is starting their part of the procedure.  Recovery...5 weeks of radiation therapy...continued targeted chemo (just one drug specific to her type of cancer) through November.  We are well on our way to kicking this things ###!

 

shuke

Black Ice Skeptic
jamny said:
You told him not to and he did it anyway. That's his problem now if his feelings are hurt.
It was a very passive refusal.  He is doing something thoughtful, just accept it.  Pay them back when they are in need. 

 

Chaka

Footballguy
I agree you have to side with your wife but I don't think the conversation should necessarily end. She is being, somewhat understandably prideful and that is not necessarily a good thing 

Learning to accept the caring and attention of loved ones is ultimately a great stress reliever. It takes work, focus, attention and causes some stress along the way. But if we could see what stress does to our bodies we would work much, much harder to reduce our stress levels (after we freaked the #### out from seeing what stress was doing to our bodies).

Pride cometh before the fall.

 

Galileo

Footballguy
I agree you have to side with your wife but I don't think the conversation should necessarily end. She is being, somewhat understandably prideful and that is not necessarily a good thing 

Learning to accept the caring and attention of loved ones is ultimately a great stress reliever. It takes work, focus, attention and causes some stress along the way. But if we could see what stress does to our bodies we would work much, much harder to reduce our stress levels (after we freaked the #### out from seeing what stress was doing to our bodies).

Pride cometh before the fall.
Yep...she'a always wanting to show independence, an "I can handle anything" mentality.  That is certainly a part of it.

 

Galileo

Footballguy
Oooh...a woman sitting a short distance away in the waiting room just started breast feeding her baby

Me:  Awww that is so cute

Woman: Thanks!

Me: and that's a beautiful baby too.

Alright, I didn't really say it, but I thought about it.  Her husband is sitting next to her.  I think I can take him though!

 

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