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Advice From Guys Who Have Went Thru A Divorce (1 Viewer)

caglassc

President James Madison - Football Guru
I've been married (to the same woman) for 24 years. We are currently separated and it looks doubtful that we will remain together. We don't have any kids and are, at this point, still on speaking terms. There isn't infidelity involved, etc.

What I would like to know is what to expect when you go thru a divorce? What legal things do I need to be aware of? How do I get thru it all and start all over? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Zow

Footballguy
Never been through a divorce, but do divorce law. General advice I'd give is that the process is slow, painful, and usually both sides walk away unhappy. I'd certainly recommend consulting with a divorce attorney in your jurisdiction now to get some specifics on the legalities of your specific situation. But bear in mind most divorces aren't smooth, even between two reasonable people with few assets.

 

johnnycakes

Footballguy
No kids should make the process a whole lot simpler since you don't have custody and support issues to resolve. But with a 24-year marriage, the question of alimony is going to be a hot-button topic, especially if the missus has been a stay-at-home missus and not a career woman.

You're both going to need legal advice because right now, you don't even know what the questions are... like health insurance going forward, for example...

After my ex- tried going the barracuda route and having it come back to bite her in the ###, she finally wised up to a mediate divorce. But you should each still consult attorneys who are hip to the mediation process... their most important role, imo, is not to make sure either of you gets the best "deal" possible - that's what happens in a non-mediated divorce when each one tries to screw the other - but to make sure all the correct questions and issues are being asked and resolved and not so much how they're being resolved.

So in our mediated divorce, we had three key parties... my attorney, my wife's attorney, and the mediator. It took like 4-5 mediated sessions to resolve all the issues between us, each time the mediator writing up a blurb on what was discussed and how it was resolved between us. We then forwarded that to each of our respective attorneys for review. What we tried very hard not to do was to go back and ask, "could I have done better", but rather, "this was what we intended to have happen... is there any problem with the result we have." if you can do that, you can save yourself a lot of hassle by mediating.

 

Treynwreck3

Footballguy
How in the hell do you make it 24 years with no kids and all of a sudden decide that you want a divorce? I just don't understand this.

 
Bite your tongue.

Do not give a #### about stuff, stuff can be replaced. Let her have stuff, all she wants and in greatly inequitable proportion. This will be cheaper than paying attorneys to fight over it and it will go a long way towards convincing the court that you are being equitable.

Preserve as much as possible your future earnings and income streams. While you do not care about stuff, you do care about your retirement accounts and your future earnings. This is the trade for the stuff.

Make this the end of things. Have no future obligations to her, no ongoing payments, no need to interact. Do this even if you have to take out a loan. Ongoing obligations will lead to ongoing legal bills and potentially even criminal charges as eventually there will be some small problem in satisfying the obligation and that is an opening for re-litigating hurts from the past which you may not even know exist. A clean break is priceless.

In deference to my GB GM you do not bone the sister, not until all the "T's" are crossed and the "I's" dotted. Then you do the sister, the cousin, the mother and her nanna, but not before. Oh, her friends are now in play and should be done in the nastiest ways possible. Those little whores have been fantasizing about this for years. Remember, when they offer their sympathy and support they are begging for a righteous rogering.

 
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Arizona Ron

Footballguy
Never been through a divorce, but do divorce law. General advice I'd give is that the process is slow, painful, and usually both sides walk away unhappy. I'd certainly recommend consulting with a divorce attorney in your jurisdiction now to get some specifics on the legalities of your specific situation. But bear in mind most divorces aren't smooth, even between two reasonable people with few assets.
Horrible advice. They're still on speaking terms and have NO kids.

They could simply figure out a living situation and file the paperwork with the courts themselves.

The only issue I see is they've been married for 24 years so I'm assuming there is a house involved. If so, again, work that out between the two of you BEFORE involving the lawyers.

 

Arizona Ron

Footballguy
We need to know a few things before we speculate any further:

1. Do you two own a home

2. Does she work and what's her income compared to your (don't need actual dollars obviously)?

 
Never been through a divorce, but do divorce law. General advice I'd give is that the process is slow, painful, and usually both sides walk away unhappy. I'd certainly recommend consulting with a divorce attorney in your jurisdiction now to get some specifics on the legalities of your specific situation. But bear in mind most divorces aren't smooth, even between two reasonable people with few assets.
Horrible advice. They're still on speaking terms and have NO kids.

They could simply figure out a living situation and file the paperwork with the courts themselves.

The only issue I see is they've been married for 24 years so I'm assuming there is a house involved. If so, again, work that out between the two of you BEFORE involving the lawyers.
Exactly. Give her the house, the best car, all the furniture, all the contents except his clothes, and toiletries. He can even pay off the remainder of the note so the house is free and clear, he just wants his retirement accounts intact.

Under not circumstance is he to discuss the wedding photos. Its a trap. Whether he wants them, cares not at all, or would like them burned there is no right answer. There is only conflict while the lawyer's meter's are running.

 

parasaurolophus

Footballguy
Never been through a divorce, but do divorce law. General advice I'd give is that the process is slow, painful, and usually both sides walk away unhappy. I'd certainly recommend consulting with a divorce attorney in your jurisdiction now to get some specifics on the legalities of your specific situation. But bear in mind most divorces aren't smooth, even between two reasonable people with few assets.
Horrible advice. They're still on speaking terms and have NO kids.

They could simply figure out a living situation and file the paperwork with the courts themselves.

The only issue I see is they've been married for 24 years so I'm assuming there is a house involved. If so, again, work that out between the two of you BEFORE involving the lawyers.
The best divorce is one without lawyers. You need a lot of used furniture to offset the cost of a lawyer.

 

culdeus

Have good
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.

 

Angry Beavers

Footballguy
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Why? That just potentially helps her alimony claim......... now you could consider a legal separation as an alternative which is along the lines of what you are driving at, I think.

 

Arizona Ron

Footballguy
Never been through a divorce, but do divorce law. General advice I'd give is that the process is slow, painful, and usually both sides walk away unhappy. I'd certainly recommend consulting with a divorce attorney in your jurisdiction now to get some specifics on the legalities of your specific situation. But bear in mind most divorces aren't smooth, even between two reasonable people with few assets.
Horrible advice. They're still on speaking terms and have NO kids.

They could simply figure out a living situation and file the paperwork with the courts themselves.

The only issue I see is they've been married for 24 years so I'm assuming there is a house involved. If so, again, work that out between the two of you BEFORE involving the lawyers.
Exactly. Give her the house, the best car, all the furniture, all the contents except his clothes, and toiletries. He can even pay off the remainder of the note so the house is free and clear, he just wants his retirement accounts intact.

Under not circumstance is he to discuss the wedding photos. Its a trap. Whether he wants them, cares not at all, or would like them burned there is no right answer. There is only conflict while the lawyer's meter's are running.
Dude, you don't know if they even own a house together.

Like I said, need some more questions answered before offering any real help here.

 

culdeus

Have good
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Why? That just potentially helps her alimony claim......... now you could consider a legal separation as an alternative which is along the lines of what you are driving at, I think.
Well he said he was separated in OP.

 

Angry Beavers

Footballguy
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Why? That just potentially helps her alimony claim......... now you could consider a legal separation as an alternative which is along the lines of what you are driving at, I think.
Well he said he was separated in OP.
Being physically separated and legally separated are completely different. HTH

 

Long Ball Larry

Footballguy
Never been through a divorce, but do divorce law. General advice I'd give is that the process is slow, painful, and usually both sides walk away unhappy. I'd certainly recommend consulting with a divorce attorney in your jurisdiction now to get some specifics on the legalities of your specific situation. But bear in mind most divorces aren't smooth, even between two reasonable people with few assets.
Horrible advice. They're still on speaking terms and have NO kids.

They could simply figure out a living situation and file the paperwork with the courts themselves.

The only issue I see is they've been married for 24 years so I'm assuming there is a house involved. If so, again, work that out between the two of you BEFORE involving the lawyers.
Exactly. Give her the house, the best car, all the furniture, all the contents except his clothes, and toiletries. He can even pay off the remainder of the note so the house is free and clear, he just wants his retirement accounts intact.

Under not circumstance is he to discuss the wedding photos. Its a trap. Whether he wants them, cares not at all, or would like them burned there is no right answer. There is only conflict while the lawyer's meter's are running.
Dude, you don't know if they even own a house together.

Like I said, need some more questions answered before offering any real help here.
You're both right. I did my divorce through a shared attorney. It cost $1800 total. I think that it is definitely the preferred way to go.

I also don't think that there is anything wrong with talking to an attorney on your own to assess the situation. You want to make sure that everything is covered.

 

caglassc

President James Madison - Football Guru
We need to know a few things before we speculate any further:

1. Do you two own a home

2. Does she work and what's her income compared to your (don't need actual dollars obviously)?
1. Home with a mortgage. If we sold it there would not be a huge financial gain. Probably breaking even would be a relief.

2. My wife is actually the "bread winner" - she has made more than me for several years.

 

caglassc

President James Madison - Football Guru
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Being married for 24 years (and yes, I am getting close to 50) is the primary reason I don't want to just walk away. I would not consider getting married again.

 

caglassc

President James Madison - Football Guru
How in the hell do you make it 24 years with no kids and all of a sudden decide that you want a divorce? I just don't understand this.
I don't want a divorce. However, I think that is the only option we have here...only time will tell. As I mentioned we are both still on speaking terms but seem to have differing views of life at this point. I guess that is what happens after 24 years.

 

johnnycakes

Footballguy
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Being married for 24 years (and yes, I am getting close to 50) is the primary reason I don't want to just walk away. I would not consider getting married again.
That's what I thought.... before I went to China.

 

Keerock

Caveman
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Being married for 24 years (and yes, I am getting close to 50) is the primary reason I don't want to just walk away. I would not consider getting married again.
That's what I thought.... before I went to China.
:rolleyes:

 

Disco Stu

Confirmed FBGal
Never been through a divorce, but do divorce law. General advice I'd give is that the process is slow, painful, and usually both sides walk away unhappy. I'd certainly recommend consulting with a divorce attorney in your jurisdiction now to get some specifics on the legalities of your specific situation. But bear in mind most divorces aren't smooth, even between two reasonable people with few assets.
Horrible advice. They're still on speaking terms and have NO kids.

They could simply figure out a living situation and file the paperwork with the courts themselves.

The only issue I see is they've been married for 24 years so I'm assuming there is a house involved. If so, again, work that out between the two of you BEFORE involving the lawyers.
The best divorce is one without lawyers. You need a lot of used furniture to offset the cost of a lawyer.
Yeah, it sounds like this could probably be done without lawyers. Split the stuff up, fill out the paperwork, and go your separate ways.

 

Joe T

Footballguy
Never been through a divorce, but do divorce law. General advice I'd give is that the process is slow, painful, and usually both sides walk away unhappy. I'd certainly recommend consulting with a divorce attorney in your jurisdiction now to get some specifics on the legalities of your specific situation. But bear in mind most divorces aren't smooth, even between two reasonable people with few assets.
Horrible advice. They're still on speaking terms and have NO kids.

They could simply figure out a living situation and file the paperwork with the courts themselves.

The only issue I see is they've been married for 24 years so I'm assuming there is a house involved. If so, again, work that out between the two of you BEFORE involving the lawyers.
:goodposting:

 

Psychopav

Help us, Joebi-Wan Brynobi, you're our only ho
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Being married for 24 years (and yes, I am getting close to 50) is the primary reason I don't want to just walk away. I would not consider getting married again.
That's what I thought.... before I went to China.
Are you married to a Chinese woman?

 

Arizona Ron

Footballguy
Psychopav said:
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Being married for 24 years (and yes, I am getting close to 50) is the primary reason I don't want to just walk away. I would not consider getting married again.
That's what I thought.... before I went to China.
Are you married to a Chinese woman?
So many people have failed notebooks now a days.

 

roadkill1292

Footballguy
Psychopav said:
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Being married for 24 years (and yes, I am getting close to 50) is the primary reason I don't want to just walk away. I would not consider getting married again.
That's what I thought.... before I went to China.
Are you married to a Chinese woman?
So many people have failed notebooks now a days.
I think this is a little joke. I was gonna make one myself about johnny slipping by letting 35 minutes and 31 posts go by before he mentioned his Chinese wife.

 

Rayderr

Footballguy
Since you have no kids, you can actually skip most of the legal proceedings in VA if you and your wife agree. Don't even need to get lawyers. If you guys have a disagreement on how to split things up, well, that's a bit more complicated.

 

johnnycakes

Footballguy
Psychopav said:
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Being married for 24 years (and yes, I am getting close to 50) is the primary reason I don't want to just walk away. I would not consider getting married again.
That's what I thought.... before I went to China.
Are you married to a Chinese woman?
So many people have failed notebooks now a days.
I think this is a little joke. I was gonna make one myself about johnny slipping by letting 35 minutes and 31 posts go by before he mentioned his Chinese wife.
I try not to pull that schtick out quite so often but, in this case I REALLY did think I would never get married again. And if so, not so soon after the divorce. Then I went to China and everything changed. And them's the facts. :yes:
 

joffer

Footballguy
Psychopav said:
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Being married for 24 years (and yes, I am getting close to 50) is the primary reason I don't want to just walk away. I would not consider getting married again.
That's what I thought.... before I went to China.
Are you married to a Chinese woman?
Donna Chang?
 

Insein

Footballguy
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Being married for 24 years (and yes, I am getting close to 50) is the primary reason I don't want to just walk away. I would not consider getting married again.
That's what I thought.... before I went to China.
:rolleyes:
I appreciate the dedication.

 

Woogie Lee

Footballguy
Bite your tongue.

Do not give a #### about stuff, stuff can be replaced. Let her have stuff, all she wants and in greatly inequitable proportion. This will be cheaper than paying attorneys to fight over it and it will go a long way towards convincing the court that you are being equitable.

Preserve as much as possible your future earnings and income streams. While you do not care about stuff, you do care about your retirement accounts and your future earnings. This is the trade for the stuff.
This is great advice.

 

ChiefD

Footballguy
With my first wife, we had about as amicable divorce as possible. We downloaded one of those legal forms from the web, filled it out and took it to the judge on our court date. The weird part was having to stand there and actually read it, since the judge wanted us to "present our case".

We basically divided up the property about 50/50, and that was that.

Now, we didn't have to sell a house, or split up retirement funds: we just agreed we would each keep what was in our retirement funds and go our separate ways. If you go down this road, make sure you stay at a Holiday Inn Express the night before you fill out the paperwork.

 

Thorn

Footballguy
Honest question, with no kids why even bother filing divorce? Why not just walk away and go. If you've been married 24 years you must be nearing 50 so getting married again is not a high priority i would imagine?

Stall it out as long as possible.
Being married for 24 years (and yes, I am getting close to 50) is the primary reason I don't want to just walk away. I would not consider getting married again.
That's what I thought.... before I went to China.
Okay, final O/U was set at 26 posts, so those of you who had the over send me a PM with paypal addy.

 

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