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Am I on the verge of a mid-life crisis.. how do you deal? (2 Viewers)

Dr. No

Footballguy
So I'm 45. I have a ton to be thankful for. My business is moderately successful. I have 2 healthy sons under 10 that I enjoy. I have no debt of any sort. I'm a bit overweight (10-15 lbs?) but am fairly healthy for my age and enjoy getting some exercise.. good relationship with my parents, in-laws.. no substance abuse problems with alcohol, tobacco, etc.

The only downsides in my current life are 1) that 3 of my best local friends have moved away in the last few years and the rest of my friends aren't local to me so I don't see them very often. I have local neighborhood acquaintances but none of them are whom I'd consider a good friend. 2) that my wife has acquired a somewhat debilitating condition that leaves her unable to do many physical activities together that we used to do... biking, running.. and i've had to pick up a bunch of her slack at home with cleaning and kids stuff that kind of sucks.. but honestly it could be worse.

However.. despite the fact that for all intents and purposes I have it together.. I just feel so damn empty.. like I'm just sloshing through from one day to the next almost watching the clock until the day ends... almost feeling like "there has to be more to life than this".

Upon self-reflection.. some of it is self-caused.. I haven't pushed myself at all at work to learn much new lately in my field.... checked off a bunch of major financial goals and don't have anything motivating me there (which is probably why the first one is true)... but I just don't have anything I'm reaching for... don't really have a big bucket list that hasn't been filled. I kind of feel like I finished a show or video game and there's not a sequel. I do have things I look forward to.. upcoming trips, activities.. though none are enough of a big deal as to move the needle for me. I enjoy being a dad for my kids but at 9 and 8 in some ways they want to do their own things a lot or play with friends from the neighborhood and while I can still get a catch in or play some board/video games with them.. they aren't as reliant on me as they were 2-3 years ago.

Anyway.... maybe this sounds like some bull crap.. maybe many of you will read this and wonder why this guy has a problem.. sounds like he's made it.. but i sure miss my friends, male bonding, happy hours with the crew, etc.

Advice, shade, jokes all welcome.
 

ChiefD

Footballguy
I have a lot of the same thoughts you do. I'm 53 and not sure what is going on with me right now. It's a weird transitional period to be sure and I'm not even sure what I'm transitioning to.
 

STEADYMOBBIN 22

Footballguy
When your kids hit the teenage years your life‘s gonna get a whole lot more interesting. I hope you survive it mostly intact

Serious answer is that I have so many hobbies that life never gets boring to me, so I can’t really relate. The only thing I could add is may be find more hobbies. Sorry dude.
 

Dr. Octopus

Footballguy
I have 2 healthy sons under 10 that I enjoy.
I’m trying not to be judgmental here, but I found this phrased oddly.

Most people would say “that I love (and enjoy)”. Maybe you’re suffering from some form of depression and need to speak to some one? You have a lot on your plate so it’s understandable if your mind is breaking down a little under the pressure.
 

Da Guru

Fair & Balanced
I grew up in a low income family. so right away when i started making some good money I bought and did mid life crisis stuff. Bought a brand new Corvette even though I was already driving a brand new Explorer at the time. Bought a home on a lake when first got married , pissed away tons of cash on vacations, golf trips and other stuff in my late 20s early 30s.

Then when I hit my 40s I kinda had a reverse crisis. I sold the Corvette, stopped driving 50K vehicles when the average price was 30K, realized I had as much fun golfing at the local courses as I did at Pebble Beach. Started concentrating on little things that actually made me happy, not what I thought was making me happy. My crew old of buddies has kinda fell apart the last decade too and I miss that. Some guys were transferred, some retired and moved. That part is not the same for sure. But I have made a few new friends that I can hang with for football games and whatever.

About 10 years ago I starting going once a month to the food kitchen in Detroit to help deliver food with a friend. After I did that a few times it was a real awakening. Then once a month I spent a whole Saturday helping out at the Ann Arbor animal rescue. Those two things changed my life. Believe me when I saw how some of these people survived day to day, week to week made me very grateful for my family and life.

When you start doing things like this is makes you realize how lucky you are just to have a decent life, and respect and cherish the life you have. I wish you well and hope you just start with the little things you enjoy and build from there.
 
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Dr. No

Footballguy
Do you have any hobbies?

Yes... however they are a bit seasonal. I am an avid boater and it's true I don't find myself thinking this as often in the summer because I'm too busy with that from June through mid-September... .. I considered whether this was seasonal... but i don't think so.

I enjoy snow skiing in the winter.. we have a colorado trip on the books and usually our local hill is open for warm up laps between late december and the end of feb.. due to unseasonal warmth here.. they have not opened yet...

Also fantasy football, I do lift weights fairly regularly.. but that's about it.
 

Dr. No

Footballguy
I have 2 healthy sons under 10 that I enjoy.
I’m trying not to be judgmental here, but I found this phrased oddly.

Most people would say “that I love (and enjoy)”. Maybe you’re suffering from some form of depression and need to speak to some one? You have a lot on your plate so it’s understandable if your mind is breaking down a little under the pressure.

You're right.. that is phrased oddly.. good catch.
 

Dr. No

Footballguy
What part of the world do you live in? Any sports teams to follow?

Yes, I live in Kansas City like you.. the chiefs are a hobby as are the royals. I do enjoy attending royals games (5-6 a year) and I'll attend any home chiefs playoff game. HOWEVER.. I enjoyed those things a lot more before my friends moved away because i would attend the games with them.

Also.. after the Royals won the WS and the Chiefs won the SB (and i was in attendance in MIami!) I kind of also felt like i'd finished a movie series or finished watching a long show series... Even though we are in peak Mahomes and I hope to see and win another superbowl and will be excited about it.. I have to be honest that after getting those wins and attending so many of those important games, that it is of less importance to me now.
 

Dr. No

Footballguy
About 10 years ago I starting going once a month to the food kitchen in Detroit to help deliver food with a friend. After I did that a few times it was a real awakening. Then once a month I spent a whole Saturday helping out at the Ann Arbor animal rescue. Those two things changed my life.

When you start doing things like this is makes you realize how lucky you are just to have a decent life, and respect and cherish the life you have. I wish you well and hope you just start with the little things you enjoy and build from there.

I've considered doing something charitable... but with the wife having this medical condition I've had to do so much extra at home that most of my hours are accounted for.. it's just that that type of work isn't fulfilling on any level.
 

Dr. No

Footballguy
As an additional note.. since one of my main problems is lack of male friends.. i really want to find more local dudes to hang with in the neighborhood.... and i have found some cool guys.. but I'm also trying to mostly give up alcohol (alcohol hasn't been a problem for me in 15 years) I still am able to have 1-3 drinks per WEEK with no issue... but drinking heavy is a major part of many of these guys sports and hang sessions. And I'm fine with that except that I'm also not great at peer pressure or being un-fun so while I"m fine hanging and having a beer or 3... i don't drink on weeknights and i don't want to have 10 beers... and that seems like the norm with most of the guys
 

culdeus

Have good
Same. I have focused my hobby energy into travel hacking to get some great experiences before I get too old to enjoy them.

I had a massive multi year project wrap up at work mid last year and have been just coasting thinking another would come along. It hasn't.

Made enough money to think about retiring early but no idea what I would do with my time.

Friends have all moved away or have kids stuff that wipe out their energy.
 

General Malaise

Poop Lord
I grew up in a low income family. so right away when i started making some good money I bought and did mid life crisis stuff. Bought a brand new Corvette even though I was already driving a brand new Explorer at the time. Bought a home on a lake when first got married , pissed away tons of cash on vacations, golf trips and other stuff in my late 20s early 30s.

Then when I hit my 40s I kinda had a reverse crisis. I sold the Corvette, stopped driving 50K vehicles when the average price was 30K, realized I had as much fun golfing at the local courses as I did at Pebble Beach. Started concentrating on little things that actually made me happy, not what I thought was making me happy. My crew of buddies has kinda fell apart the last decade too and I mess that. Some guys were transferred, some retired and moved. That part is not the same for sure. But I have made a few new friends that I can hang with for football games and whatever.

About 10 years ago I starting going once a month to the food kitchen in Detroit to help deliver food with a friend. After I did that a few times it was a real awakening. Then once a month I spent a whole Saturday helping out at the Ann Arbor animal rescue. Those two things changed my life.

When you start doing things like this is makes you realize how lucky you are just to have a decent life, and respect and cherish the life you have. I wish you well and hope you just start with the little things you enjoy and build from there.

Good stuff, Guru. Perspective is important and it sounds like you've got great perspective about life.
 

jobarules

Footballguy
As an additional note.. since one of my main problems is lack of male friends.. i really want to find more local dudes to hang with in the neighborhood.... and i have found some cool guys.. but I'm also trying to mostly give up alcohol (alcohol hasn't been a problem for me in 15 years) I still am able to have 1-3 drinks per WEEK with no issue... but drinking heavy is a major part of many of these guys sports and hang sessions. And I'm fine with that except that I'm also not great at peer pressure or being un-fun so while I"m fine hanging and having a beer or 3... i don't drink on weeknights and i don't want to have 10 beers... and that seems like the norm with most of the guys
Do your sons play sports? Maybe get into coaching. Getting into coaching "saved my life". Maybe not literally but 6 or 7 years ago my son was playing little league I was asked to manage. Never in a million years did I wanna manage but it was a year after my daughter passed and I was looking for a distraction so I said yes. Best decision I ever made. Not only did I get to bond with my son but I got valuable life skills in managing both kids and parents that helped my confidence tremendously. I also became really good friends with some other coaches and never really had good friends before that. Now we go on vacations together and bond really well. I made lifelong friends in my 40s.
 

Dr. No

Footballguy
As an additional note.. since one of my main problems is lack of male friends.. i really want to find more local dudes to hang with in the neighborhood.... and i have found some cool guys.. but I'm also trying to mostly give up alcohol (alcohol hasn't been a problem for me in 15 years) I still am able to have 1-3 drinks per WEEK with no issue... but drinking heavy is a major part of many of these guys sports and hang sessions. And I'm fine with that except that I'm also not great at peer pressure or being un-fun so while I"m fine hanging and having a beer or 3... i don't drink on weeknights and i don't want to have 10 beers... and that seems like the norm with most of the guys
Do your sons play sports? Maybe get into coaching. Getting into coaching "saved my life". Maybe not literally but 6 or 7 years ago my son was playing little league I was asked to manage. Never in a million years did I wanna manage but it was a year after my daughter passed and I was looking for a distraction so I said yes. Best decision I ever made. Not only did I get to bond with my son but I got valuable life skills in managing both kids and parents that helped my confidence tremendously. I also became really good friends with some other coaches and never really had good friends before that. Now we go on vacations together and bond really well. I made lifelong friends in my 40s.

i have a son that plays soccer. I haven't considered it. that's a good thought.. maybe as an assistant. my other son has zero interest in team sports.. he does a ninja warrior style gymnastics thing.. no coaching opportunity there.
 

General Malaise

Poop Lord
This is the sort of thread the late great Wikidpissah would wade into and offer his insight and advice. Man, I wish he was around today to offer suggestions. I'm not kidding when I say this - he single handedly pulled me out of a deep depression after I lost my best friend last May. Just noticed a stranger on the internet in a bit of a crisis, reached out and helped me overcome the grief that was crippling me.

I turn 50 this week and the day after, I take my dad to the doctor to find out how much time he has left. It ain't much, but there's nothing I can do to reverse nature's course and that's what Wikkid got me to understand. Life's a gift if you want it to be. He was fond of saying "The give is the get" and it took me some time to understand that.

My late mother would always tell me "To have a friend you have to be a friend". I always thought that was corny, but the older I get the more I understand what she meant. I'm not going to make new friends unless I put forth an effort and if I want a good friend, I need to be a good friend.

Not sure where I'm going with this other than I don't think you're alone and life is what you make of it.
 

jamny

Footballguy
The standout to me is your wife's condition. Having something like that happen can easily send someone into questioning what it's all about. I didn't really have a lot of regular hanging out male friends when we lived in NY, so moving out of state wasn't an issue for me. But having a dramatic change like your wife's illness would be extremely challenging to come to terms with. I don't want to assume too much with limited info but I would find meaning in life by helping her as much as possible.
 

NutterButter

Footballguy
Was there myself recently as far as the kids are concerned. Mine happened more when they got into their teenage years. Its not easy investing so much of your time and emotion into someone and then it reaches a point where they really don't want you that way anymore. Especially my oldest. Damn she was such a fun kid to be around. Its almost like a mini breakup. But it did get better. Its just a transition that I had to go through.
 

jobarules

Footballguy
Was there myself recently as far as the kids are concerned. Mine happened more when they got into their teenage years. Its not easy investing so much of your time and emotion into someone and then it reaches a point where they really don't want you that way anymore. Especially my oldest. Damn she was such a fun kid to be around. Its almost like a mini breakup. But it did get better. Its just a transition that I had to go through.
This is exactly where Im at with my 13 year old. Its hard going from him being my best friend for basically 12 years and us sharing almost everything together to him barely wanting to do anything with me. And it happened just like that.
 

Fat Nick

Footballguy
I can relate to a lot of what you're posting - Similar age, kids under 10...a lot of life transition on my end. My career has taken off in the last few years, and has consumed a ton of my time. It's not a bad thing, and I recently took a new role that honestly helps me with the work-life balance. My old role was literally killing me, despite the benefit of being hugely rewarding.

My personal challenge is I feel like I'm losing my identity. Kind of like you, I have limited "guy friends" outside of work. My wife and I relocated after we met in Grad School. I'm far more of an introvert. We slowly lost touch with school friends (at least in any physical capacity), and most of "my" friends are really the husbands of "her" friends. Some are awesome, but we don't do much without the wives. I spend most of my day working, at kids activities, or otherwise doing family stuff. I love the kids and their activities. Most of my time is spent doing things for them, or doing what is on my wife's list. I like the company of my family. I'm happily married - but I don't know who I am anymore. I don't take enough time for myself to do "me" things right now. I do family things - not by force, but because I want to. I always think forward to retirement - and then realize my physical health is only OK, which gets me thinking about getting old and how I might not even be able to do some of the things I want to do when I retire. I sort of spiral sometimes.

The best thing for me honestly is to be selfish sometimes. I take a day off here and there for just me. I do what I want to do. I don't answer my phone. Most of the time this involves watching a movie without questions or judgement on what I chose to watch, or going to a lake and fishing for a few hours. Sometimes it's as simple as just going to a store and browsing around for stuff I might actually want to buy. No agendas, no bucket list items, not even productive a lot of the time. Just NOT what someone else sets up or expects.

I need to do it more. Way more. My wife has even said it's noticeable in my mood. Time won't stop sadly....but that doesn't mean everything has to wait for something else. Take a "me" day. You don't have to be productive or even "do" anything. You'd be amazed how much always answering to someone else actually wears on you - even when the "answering" is done voluntarily. I can't help but wonder - especially with what you said about your wife's physical challenges, if you share some of that feeling...
 

Alex P Keaton

Footballguy
I have 2 healthy sons under 10 that I enjoy.
I’m trying not to be judgmental here, but I found this phrased oddly.

Most people would say “that I love (and enjoy)”. Maybe you’re suffering from some form of depression and need to speak to some one? You have a lot on your plate so it’s understandable if your mind is breaking down a little under the pressure.
Depression was my first thought as well. I’ve been around enough people — and have dealt with it personally — to see some of the warning signs in what you’ve shared so far Dr No.

Nothing wrong with being clinical about the symptoms and calling it out. Kudos to you for being open and honest. You’re dealing with a lot right now — wish you all the best. My approach to coping with life/stress/etc involved lots of alcohol — wouldn’t recommend that approach. ;)
 

NutterButter

Footballguy
Was there myself recently as far as the kids are concerned. Mine happened more when they got into their teenage years. Its not easy investing so much of your time and emotion into someone and then it reaches a point where they really don't want you that way anymore. Especially my oldest. Damn she was such a fun kid to be around. Its almost like a mini breakup. But it did get better. Its just a transition that I had to go through.
This is exactly where Im at with my 13 year old. Its hard going from him being my best friend for basically 12 years and us sharing almost everything together to him barely wanting to do anything with me. And it happened just like that.
Its really hard. Had to do a lot of soul searching. I get teary eyed just thinking about it. I think its made me so much better of a person having to address it in a healthy manner. Never stop trying to find ways to connect and to just spend whatever time with them you can. Like I've taken up snowboarding at 45 this winter (I really don't have this great desire to snowboard) b/c my daughter does it so at least for another year (she'll be driving next year), it gives me the opportunity to spend that time with her. I have no allusion that we're gonna be tearing down the mountain together (she'll mostly be there with a friend) but I'll take whatever I can get. Good luck.
 

Yo Mama

Footballguy
I was in a similar situation after my best friend passed away and after I switched jobs (so I didn’t see my previous work-friends as much).

It’s hard as a guy in your 40s making new friends (especially if you’re more introverted). What helped me was getting more involved with the kids activities. I coached / assistant coached a lot of my kids’ youth sports teams (even in sports I had no idea what I was doing). I also joined the Tae Keon Do studio that my kids went to for about a year - there was a fun group of adults I met there. This helped broaden my own social network beyond just couple friends with my wife’s friends.

I know this probably goes counter your issue of not having time since your wife’s medical issues. You mentioned you’re doing well financially. Can you hire a housekeeper / cleaning agency to lighten the load at home?

Make sure you find time for yourself and find a way to talk through where you’re at emotionally (even if it’s here with a bunch of anonymous football nerds). Find ways to be “selfish” towards your own needs so you have the right mind space to be there for your family. I took care of my dad for a while before he passed and it’s very easy to lose yourself while you’re taking care of everyone else.
 
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Dr. No

Footballguy
The standout to me is your wife's condition. Having something like that happen can easily send someone into questioning what it's all about. I didn't really have a lot of regular hanging out male friends when we lived in NY, so moving out of state wasn't an issue for me. But having a dramatic change like your wife's illness would be extremely challenging to come to terms with. I don't want to assume too much with limited info but I would find meaning in life by helping her as much as possible.

i guess so because that's the biggest change.. . though honestly she just picked this up in June (she's not terminal or anything.. just kind of an immune system thing that saps her energy on some days... can't do many physical activities.. can't keep up with the house)... and i think i've been feeling this way longer than that.. no doubt it's made it worse
 

jwb

Footballguy
The standout to me is your wife's condition. Having something like that happen can easily send someone into questioning what it's all about. I didn't really have a lot of regular hanging out male friends when we lived in NY, so moving out of state wasn't an issue for me. But having a dramatic change like your wife's illness would be extremely challenging to come to terms with. I don't want to assume too much with limited info but I would find meaning in life by helping her as much as possible.

i guess so because that's the biggest change.. . though honestly she just picked this up in June (she's not terminal or anything.. just kind of an immune system thing that saps her energy on some days... can't do many physical activities.. can't keep up with the house)... and i think i've been feeling this way longer than that.. no doubt it's made it worse

How is your relationship with her? Your wife wasn't mentioned in your first paragraph about things you were thankful for. Not that I'm trying to read too much into it but that jumped right out at me.
 

Payne

Footballguy
49 and I've been battling depression for a few years now. Two teenage daughters. One in her second year at college away from home. The other a junior in high school. Both have their own lives going and things are not like "they used to be". Christmas is my favorite holiday and this year was just not the same. Wife and I fighting more than usual this past year.

My wife was looking for a replacement for my daughters (and maybe even a slight replacement for me) and so we bought a lab puppy in April. Although I love him, he hasn't helped. He is a ton of work and what little time we had together at night is now taken up by managing him.

Both work situations are good and money really is no problem.

It's weird feeling this way when you have so much going for you and things could be far, far worse. You are not alone.
 

Mookie

Footballguy
I reached that point about 10 years ago when my soccer coaching days were over and my kids started doing their own things. My wife likes to schedule social stuff for us on weekends but it is mostly with her friends, and during the week, she just wants to sit at home and watch tv. That's fine to an extent, but I needed to get out more and find my people and be a little more selfish with my time. Sitting around the house like a martyr was not good for anyone, and this included getting too obsessive about fantasy football.

Look for opportunities to get involved with things that are outside your normal comfort zone, and ask questions as this will often lead to an invite. Above all else, start saying yes to a lot more. Of course, some of the outings you say yes to will be flops (I didn't realize how much I hated poker), but it expanded my friend network immensely because the people you say yes to appreciate it and view you as a doer, which results in more opportunities. It can be exhausting when all you want to do is sit at home and watch a game, but I had to get out more and give myself things to look forward to.

Since making this change, I've settled into a regular golf group during the spring-summer-fall, curling on Monday nights in winter (no alcohol), trivia every Wednesday (alcohol) and weekly happy hour get togethers on Fridays (alcohol, but we have two alcohol free people in the group - try NA beers so you have something in your hand). I have friends I ski and/or mountain bike with (no alcohol). Some other flops for me were river rafting (this led to my golf friends), bird hunting, and various types of fishing (fly, sturgeon, and ice). My ice fishing buddies asked me to play on their trivia team.

The one drawback is that I now have to make time for my wife (I make myself watch crap tv with her, more shopping, walks etc.), but she notices a big difference when I get out for "me" time, and I think she appreciates that I am not so dependent on her. Good luck.
 

gianmarco

Footballguy

NutterButter

Footballguy
Look for opportunities to get involved with things that are outside your normal comfort zone, and ask questions as this will often lead to an invite. Above all else, start saying yes to a lot more. Of course, some of the outings you say yes to will be flops (I didn't realize how much I hated poker), but it expanded my friend network immensely because the people you say yes to appreciate it and view you as a doer, which results in more opportunities. It can be exhausting when all you want to do is sit at home and watch a game, but I had to get out more and give myself things to look forward to.
This is really good advice throughout the 2nd half of your life (basically life with kids vs life after kids which could even be before when they technically leave the house). I got a taste of this earlier in the schedule b/c of a divorce but besides the usual of biking, hiking and working on the house, i started going to a lot more concerts and have now gotten into more travel.
 

Dr. No

Footballguy
49 and I've been battling depression for a few years now. Two teenage daughters. One in her second year at college away from home. The other a junior in high school. Both have their own lives going and things are not like "they used to be". Christmas is my favorite holiday and this year was just not the same. Wife and I fighting more than usual this past year.

My wife was looking for a replacement for my daughters (and maybe even a slight replacement for me) and so we bought a lab puppy in April. Although I love him, he hasn't helped. He is a ton of work and what little time we had together at night is now taken up by managing him.

Both work situations are good and money really is no problem.

It's weird feeling this way when you have so much going for you and things could be far, far worse. You are not alone.
we also added a dog in the fall. dog has helped a little.. not a solution, but an aid
 

AAABatteries

Footballguy
I have a lot of thoughts on this thread - I could have written portions of it.

My short answer is you are looking for emotional connections. Friends, kids and spouse - we aren't meant to live life alone. Currently those emotional connections are slipping away. My advice is to focus on the ones you mention first.
 

Drunken knight

Footballguy
Do you have any hobbies?

Yes... however they are a bit seasonal. I am an avid boater and it's true I don't find myself thinking this as often in the summer because I'm too busy with that from June through mid-September... .. I considered whether this was seasonal... but i don't think so.

I enjoy snow skiing in the winter.. we have a colorado trip on the books and usually our local hill is open for warm up laps between late december and the end of feb.. due to unseasonal warmth here.. they have not opened yet...

Also fantasy football, I do lift weights fairly regularly.. but that's about it.
start a bucket list... some can be more extreme versions of your current hobbies/interests, but also maybe things you have wanted to do: learn a language, play an instrument, specific cooking classes etc.

As a skier... i really want to get out to the alps (val gardena, arlberg, zermatt, cortina, etc)

Maybe with the friends who have moved away.. an annual away game for the chiefs (vegas, denver, LA) stand out in 23 to me
 
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ChiefD

Footballguy
What part of the world do you live in? Any sports teams to follow?

What part of the world do you live in? Any sports teams to follow?

Yes, I live in Kansas City like you..
i really want to find more local dudes to hang with in the neighborhood....
:wub: :wub:

I mean, these scripts just write themselves sometimes.
Indeed.

@Dr. No - let's hook up sometime. I've met a few of the guys from here. :oldunsure:

Seriously - if you ever want to grab a beer or watch a game or whatever I'm up for it. I'm a relatively normal guy who likes sports, outdoor activities, music, walks on the beach, sunsets, and has a healthy collection of shovels.
 
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