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Footballguy
While I've come along way from not recognizing the social weirdness of writing a ten page persuasion paper (with footnote citations!) to my then girlfriend's parents, it's probably no suprise on here that I still sometimes struggle with doing the "right thing" in a social situation. Given that I'm currently stuck in one that I don't know how to fix, I'm turning to here for thoughts.
Background: I've been playing with the same group of 5 guys in golf tournaments now for several years. It's one of my favorite ways to have fun sans work and family. We are all pretty close and have a group text filled with nearly daily banter. Multiple times per year we will play in charity golf scrambles. Usually, one of our businesses will sponsor the team and the expectation is that each guy will spend some money buying the silly raffle tickets, mulligans, etc. that the tournaments usually offer as a way to generate more money. Also, the expectation is that if we win as a group that, assuming we were sponsored, we will donate back any winnings. If one of us wins an individual award like the long-drive or a KP that guy can decide (my MO is usually to take the winnings and buy a couple of pitchers of beer). All of us are single-digit handicaps (i.e. we are all much better than the average player out there) so almost always place in the money if not win it (generally, there's 2-3 other groups that can beat us so there's some friendly competition there). Standard operating procedure then at the start of the tournament is that almost always one of the guys in our group - he's kind of our "leader" when it comes to this stuff - will collect cash from each guy, buy everything we can, and then we sit around with the tickets pooled and see if we win anything. If it's minor cash it's donated back. If we win a prize it's usually just quickly and easily decided amongst the group. For example, if we win a box of golf balls the guy who plays the type of ball will get it. If it's a new club it's whoever needs the club. If it's a gift certificate to a restaurant or some similar prize, usually one guy will announce his wife would like it and it goes to him. There has never been any issues with this and we've done this a dozen+ times.
Situation: We had a golf tournament two weekends ago.* It's dark and cold at sign up time and our team captain - let's call him A - and I are the first ones there. Per usual, he tells me to give him cash and he'll go check us in and buy everything (mulligans, raffle tickets, 50/50). I go inside to place a to go breakfast order and drink order and find a table away from most. He comes back, I ask him how much, he tells me $40 and I pay him. We all play well and wind up winning the tournament. Because we won, and because we (well, some of us) are trying to avoid the huge group, we discuss who will stick around for the winning announcement (and to donate back the winnings). At this point we're all pretty drained and all have had our share of whisky on the day. Players C and D on my team bail pretty quickly as they live close and probably want to go hang out with their significant others. A looks at me (he's feeling no pain due to the lawful intake of substances) and asks me to stay. I don't have anywhere to be (I'm 3 hrs. away and not leaving until the next morning) so I agree to stay for the first place announcement. He hands me a slew of tickets and basically says good luck.
I post up at a distant table and wait through the awards and raffle prizes. We don't win anything with the normal raffles. When first place is announced I do the waive thing and donate it back and quickly go grab the plaque for the sponsor. Immediately thereafter, the last drawing of the day, the 50/50 drawing (i.e. people buy tickets for X price and half of the money collected goes to the charity and the other half to one winner - it's a terrible bet from an EV perspective) is then done, and amazingly we won. I initially just yell "donate it back" but the organizer looks at me funny and tells me to go to the table. I do. It's $800. At this point I'm tired, still feeling the whisky, and, frankly, worried about being so close to other people as I'm the only one wearing a mask (because yay Arizona and my doing so doesn't protect me at all). The lady hands me the winnings and I ask if I should donate it back. She says they already got a lot and met their goal and that I should probably ask my team. I panic, agree with her, and call my buddy. He doesn't answer. I text him a bunch (their shutting down and I, again, want to get out of Covidville) and he just respond with "keep it!" I strongly suspect he's not of his right mind though. In haste, I hand the lady $100 and pocket the rest. We have never won something of this amount before without talking through what to do with it.
Later that evening I talk to Player C. I explain to him what happened and ask his thoughts. He says that he doesn't feel comfortable saying because he never actually gave Player A any money. He says player D didn't either. He agrees that it's too much money to just donate it all back and by the nature of the 50/50 the charity already got a substantial sum. I suggest maybe we pay our group's dues and he likes that idea. The next day I have to leave right away (6:00 AM for a three hour drive). I text player A again about it when I get home and he gives me a non-commital answer. I reply and, as I type this, I still haven't heard back from him. I explained it to my wife who thinks 1/4 is ours so I should take the $100 I donated, keep $100 (which is nice because it would likely cover what I spent on the day). amd just send the remaining $600 to Player A. Frankly, I then began a week of insane work hours and didn't think much of it until now. I still have the money and want to do the right thing.
How should I handle this?
TL;dr: drunken charity golf outing led to me winning, with team raffle tickets, a large sum of cash. Teammate who coordinated buy-in won't talk to me much about it. I don't know what to do with money.
*Yes, this tournament was scheduled just before the recent Covid-19 spike. It was probably the dumbest thing I've done since Covid started. I did everything I could to socially distance myself and be safe. I wore a mask when I was around anybody but my teammates to keep others safe. Insanely, I was one of like 3 people doing so. Arizona is ####### crazy and it's no surprise my state has had a recent spike. Hell, I could hear others making fun of me when I walked up to get the first place prize with my mask on because I was probably the only person wearing one. I genuinely didn't expect people at the tournament to be this nonchalant about safety precautions as this was in another county and the county I live is pretty safe so I didn't immediately assume I was walking into ACB's nomination party when I opted to play. I probably should have given that I know enough about the county to know it's, uh, political-leanings, and I immediately regretted it when I people began arriving and just didn't give a #### about wearing masks and being safe - but I wasn't about to have driven the distance not to play golf. You're welcome to light me up for this choice but I kindly ask that it not take over this thread.
Background: I've been playing with the same group of 5 guys in golf tournaments now for several years. It's one of my favorite ways to have fun sans work and family. We are all pretty close and have a group text filled with nearly daily banter. Multiple times per year we will play in charity golf scrambles. Usually, one of our businesses will sponsor the team and the expectation is that each guy will spend some money buying the silly raffle tickets, mulligans, etc. that the tournaments usually offer as a way to generate more money. Also, the expectation is that if we win as a group that, assuming we were sponsored, we will donate back any winnings. If one of us wins an individual award like the long-drive or a KP that guy can decide (my MO is usually to take the winnings and buy a couple of pitchers of beer). All of us are single-digit handicaps (i.e. we are all much better than the average player out there) so almost always place in the money if not win it (generally, there's 2-3 other groups that can beat us so there's some friendly competition there). Standard operating procedure then at the start of the tournament is that almost always one of the guys in our group - he's kind of our "leader" when it comes to this stuff - will collect cash from each guy, buy everything we can, and then we sit around with the tickets pooled and see if we win anything. If it's minor cash it's donated back. If we win a prize it's usually just quickly and easily decided amongst the group. For example, if we win a box of golf balls the guy who plays the type of ball will get it. If it's a new club it's whoever needs the club. If it's a gift certificate to a restaurant or some similar prize, usually one guy will announce his wife would like it and it goes to him. There has never been any issues with this and we've done this a dozen+ times.
Situation: We had a golf tournament two weekends ago.* It's dark and cold at sign up time and our team captain - let's call him A - and I are the first ones there. Per usual, he tells me to give him cash and he'll go check us in and buy everything (mulligans, raffle tickets, 50/50). I go inside to place a to go breakfast order and drink order and find a table away from most. He comes back, I ask him how much, he tells me $40 and I pay him. We all play well and wind up winning the tournament. Because we won, and because we (well, some of us) are trying to avoid the huge group, we discuss who will stick around for the winning announcement (and to donate back the winnings). At this point we're all pretty drained and all have had our share of whisky on the day. Players C and D on my team bail pretty quickly as they live close and probably want to go hang out with their significant others. A looks at me (he's feeling no pain due to the lawful intake of substances) and asks me to stay. I don't have anywhere to be (I'm 3 hrs. away and not leaving until the next morning) so I agree to stay for the first place announcement. He hands me a slew of tickets and basically says good luck.
I post up at a distant table and wait through the awards and raffle prizes. We don't win anything with the normal raffles. When first place is announced I do the waive thing and donate it back and quickly go grab the plaque for the sponsor. Immediately thereafter, the last drawing of the day, the 50/50 drawing (i.e. people buy tickets for X price and half of the money collected goes to the charity and the other half to one winner - it's a terrible bet from an EV perspective) is then done, and amazingly we won. I initially just yell "donate it back" but the organizer looks at me funny and tells me to go to the table. I do. It's $800. At this point I'm tired, still feeling the whisky, and, frankly, worried about being so close to other people as I'm the only one wearing a mask (because yay Arizona and my doing so doesn't protect me at all). The lady hands me the winnings and I ask if I should donate it back. She says they already got a lot and met their goal and that I should probably ask my team. I panic, agree with her, and call my buddy. He doesn't answer. I text him a bunch (their shutting down and I, again, want to get out of Covidville) and he just respond with "keep it!" I strongly suspect he's not of his right mind though. In haste, I hand the lady $100 and pocket the rest. We have never won something of this amount before without talking through what to do with it.
Later that evening I talk to Player C. I explain to him what happened and ask his thoughts. He says that he doesn't feel comfortable saying because he never actually gave Player A any money. He says player D didn't either. He agrees that it's too much money to just donate it all back and by the nature of the 50/50 the charity already got a substantial sum. I suggest maybe we pay our group's dues and he likes that idea. The next day I have to leave right away (6:00 AM for a three hour drive). I text player A again about it when I get home and he gives me a non-commital answer. I reply and, as I type this, I still haven't heard back from him. I explained it to my wife who thinks 1/4 is ours so I should take the $100 I donated, keep $100 (which is nice because it would likely cover what I spent on the day). amd just send the remaining $600 to Player A. Frankly, I then began a week of insane work hours and didn't think much of it until now. I still have the money and want to do the right thing.
How should I handle this?
TL;dr: drunken charity golf outing led to me winning, with team raffle tickets, a large sum of cash. Teammate who coordinated buy-in won't talk to me much about it. I don't know what to do with money.
*Yes, this tournament was scheduled just before the recent Covid-19 spike. It was probably the dumbest thing I've done since Covid started. I did everything I could to socially distance myself and be safe. I wore a mask when I was around anybody but my teammates to keep others safe. Insanely, I was one of like 3 people doing so. Arizona is ####### crazy and it's no surprise my state has had a recent spike. Hell, I could hear others making fun of me when I walked up to get the first place prize with my mask on because I was probably the only person wearing one. I genuinely didn't expect people at the tournament to be this nonchalant about safety precautions as this was in another county and the county I live is pretty safe so I didn't immediately assume I was walking into ACB's nomination party when I opted to play. I probably should have given that I know enough about the county to know it's, uh, political-leanings, and I immediately regretted it when I people began arriving and just didn't give a #### about wearing masks and being safe - but I wasn't about to have driven the distance not to play golf. You're welcome to light me up for this choice but I kindly ask that it not take over this thread.
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