Big Tuna abruptly resigns (1 Viewer)

[GRIDIRON ASSASSIN]

Let the LAME #### April Fools shenanigans begin:

TUNA SURPRISE: PARCELLS OUT IN BIG D

A league source tells us that Cowboys coach Bill Parcells resigned his position on Friday night after a lengthy meeting with owner Jerry Jones regarding the decision to sign receiver Terrell Owens.

Parcells, who signed an extension last season, was angered by the acquisition of Owens. The veteran coach, we hear, told Jones that Owens had not changed and should not be signed. Parcells became livid after Owens' book deal was announced, which happened less than two days after Owens was introduced as a member of the organization.

Butch Davis is the leading candidate to replace Parcells. Davis was the Cowboys' defensive coordinator in the early 1990s, and he served with Jimmy Johnson's two Super Bowl teams.

For Parcells, his coaching career is likely over after stints as the top dog with the Giants, Patriots, Jets, and Cowboys.

 

[Sea Bass]

Nice one G.A.!

 

[Reaper]

I was thinking he should - and become NFL commisioner...

Also on a serious note - I read rumors of Bellichik retiring after this year and never really saw much of it... I figured it would make sense for him to take a break now spend a few years with the family and then jump back into a good situation later.

 

[Marvelous]

Of course, there is also this on PFT:

POSTED 9:58 a.m. EST, April 1, 2006PARCELLS RETIREMENT RUMORS FLYEven though the lead item of our annual April Fool's edition regarding the resignation of Cowboys coach Bill Parcells is phony, we're hearing rumors that Parcells might indeed pack it in after three years with the Cowboys.The catalyst for the speculation is the addition of former Eagles receiver Terrell Owens, which might have occurred without the input or over the objection of the head coach.Parcells has said nothing about the arrival of Owens, and Parcells was the only coach who blew off the ownership meetings in Florida this week. His absence has fueled talk that he's very unhappy with the signing of Owens, and that Parcells doesn't want to have to talk about the situation to the media, or to anyone else.The deeper problem here is that the events of the past two weeks have created the impression that Parcells has no say in what goes on with his team. For a guy like Parcells, who plops more football knowledge into the porcelain every day that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones ever will acquire, the notion of being undermined publicly is the last thing he deserves, especially as his coaching career moves into its final days.

 

[GRIDIRON ASSASSIN]

Not to mention these stories for today:

NFL WITHDRAWS WILLIAMS SANCTIONS

The National Football League soon will formally announce its decision to withdraw the one-year suspension imposed on running back Ricky Williams for his most recent violation of the NFL's drug testing policy.

Williams reportedly violated the policy earlier this year. In 2005, he served a four-game suspension for a past violation, following his return from a one-year retirement.

A hearing had been scheduled for later this month on the appeal of the suspension. The Dolphins were hoping to have an answer as to Williams' status before the draft. Now, they do.

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FAVRE HIRES ROSENHAUS

There's yet another twist in the ongoing confusion regarding the status of Packers quarterback Brett Favre.

Now, Favre will hire a new agent.

And the agent, we hear, is Miami-based Drew Rosenhaus.

A league source tells us that Favre submitted to the NFLPA on Friday a letter terminating his relationship with Bus Cook. Favre is expected to sign a representation agreement with Rosenhaus after the five-day waiting period passes.

The purpose of the move is unclear, since Favre is under contract with the Packers and has expressed no desire to get more money. It's possible that Favre is hoping to play for a team with a better chance of winning in 2006, which he recently has said will be his final NFL season (if, of course, he decides not to retire).

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CULPEPPER RESPONDS TO CHILDRESS

Earlier this week, Vikings coach Brad Childress called out former Minnesota quarterback Daunte Culpepper for his decision to rehabilitate his shredded knee at what amounts to a strip mall in Florida. It was the most recent verbal assault by Childress against the guy the Vikings traded for a second-round pick last month.

Though Culpepper has been advised by Dolphins coach Nick Saban to quit talking to the media, Daunte apparently has reached his limit. And then some. Possibly with the help of a little lip loosener known as all-kee-hol.

"Brad Childress is an #######," Culpepper said in e-mail message sent to several media outlets late Friday night. "I know I shouldn't care about what the guy says, but I just get sick of listening to him. I've got enough to worry about right now. The last thing I need to worry about is a coach I never played for acting like a little ##### because he was dumb enough to trade me away for a second-round pick."

Yee-ouch.

Stay tuned on this one. We have a feeling that Childress won't be able to hold his tongue.

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EARLY LIST OF COMMISSIONER CANDIDATES HAS A FEW SURPRISES

A league source with knowledge of the preferences of seven of the NFL owners has shared with us a list of the preferences of both owners for the position of NFL commissioner.

Their lists include a wide variety of candidates, including the usual suspects -- Roger Goodell, Steve Bornstein, **** Cass. But the lists also include some names that previously have not been mentioned.

ESPN's Chris Berman is on five of the lists. Keith Olbermann of MSNBC is on three of them. Former 49ers and Browns president Carmen Policy is mentioned twice.

It remains to be seen whether any of these outside-the-box possibilities gain any momentum as the search process unfolds.

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APRIL 1 (WINK, WINK) ONE-LINERS

The Eagles have re-signed WR Freddie Mitchell.

USC QB Matt Leinart will do Oklahoma drills at his pro day workout.

Bears coach Lovie Smith has signed a four-year, $17 million extension.

The Bills have decided to keep WR Eric Moulds, and have increased his 2006 salary by $2 million.

If Florida wins the NCAA basketball championship, Ravens quarterbacks coach Rick Neuheisel will pocket $75,000 in the office pool.

The Titans have offered the No. 3 overall pick, their second-round selection, their fourth-round selection, and owner Bud Adams' toupee to Houston owner Bob McNair for the No. 1 overall pick in the draft.

Instead of covering up 10,000 seats at AllTel Stadium in order to enhance sellouts, the Jags are covering up all but 10,000 seats in 2006.

The Bills are marketing a new line of adult protective undergarments with a team logo that turns green when it's time for a fresh pair.

Chargers G.M. A.J. Smith has confessed to a secret man-crush on coach Marty Schottenheimer (and on William Shatner).

Chiefs RB Priest Holmes has asked to be moved to defensive back.

Falcons QB Mike Vick has settled his herpes case for $1.9 million and a lifetime supply of Valtrex.

Rams coach Scott Linehan recently sprained a wrist while waxing Jay Zygmunt's car.

The agent for Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren says that the Big Show wants to buy the Seahawks from Paul Allen.

Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger has signed an exclusive endorsement deal with Bacardi.

Former Steelers QB Kordell Stewart has signed with the Philadelphia Soul of the Arena League for the remainder of the 2006 season.

Bengals WR Chad Johnson finally has acknowledged that he took a swing at coach Marvin Lewis at halftime of the team's playoff loss to the Steelers.

(Editor's note: If you haven't realized it -- and we feel sorry for your family and co-workers if you haven't -- all of the above stories and one-liners are phony. This is our annual April Fool's edition, and the real news and rumors appear below.)

 

[fatness]

Leinart giving up NFL for ballroom dancing

Shocking news as 2004 Heisman winner stands to lose millions

After much soul-searching, 2004 Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart has decided to forego a career in the NFL and pursue his true passion, ballroom dancing. The shocking news was learned exclusively by MSNBC.com late Thursday and confirmed by the quarterback. “Positive,” Leinart said when asked by this reporter in a cell phone conversation if the stunning news was true. “Most people don’t know this about me, because I never talked about it; it’s not something football players want to get around the locker room. But as a kid, I’d watch Fred Astaire movies with my mom and dad and I’d think, ‘If I could be him, I’d be the happiest man in the world.’ ”..............

..............Leinart said that his decision, which is going to destroy a lot of NFL draft boards, is irrevocable. He’s already lost 20 pounds — “to be lighter on my feet” — and is on the verge of signing an endorsement contract with Paoul, the Italian dance shoe manufacturer.....................

......................Once confirmed, comment was sought from Leinart’s college coach, Pete Carroll, who was, surprisingly, not surprised. “I always knew Matt had a dancer’s heart,” Carroll said. “Every time he’d slip away from a blitzer in practice, he’d say, ‘Let’s see Travolta do that!’ I really envy the guy.”

Of all the reasons for trading football for dancing, Leinart said the biggest was the quality of teammate. “Nothing against Reggie and LenDale and the guys, but who do you want hugging you after a big play, a sweaty offensive tackle or a gorgeous woman? Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to reach under a center’s butt 60 times a day? Have you ever seen a center’s butt, I mean up close? If I’ve gotta touch somebody’s butt, I’m going with my dance partner and not some 300-pound slob who smells like a dead goat.”

 

[DoctorDetroit]

WORLD'S FATTEST BIGFOOT SHOCKS SCIENTISTS

A few more Twinkies and we may have to rename Bigfoot 'Bigbelly'

By MICHAEL CHIRON

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyo. -- We may soon have to rename Bigfoot "Bigbelly." Researchers warn that the elusive backwoods creatures are hooked on junk food and have become dangerously overweight!

And to prove their point, scientists released exclusively to Weekly World News a photo of the fattest Bigfoot ever seen -- a Sasquatch sporting a huge, pendulous gut, and jiggling rolls of fat.

"We estimate this specimen weighs 2,400 pounds -- nearly three times the previous record," declared cryptozoolgist Dr. Anthony Hullwood, director of the Seattle-based Bigfoot Research Institute.

Sadly, we humans may be to blame for Bigfoot's obesity.

"Campers keep bringing high-calorie snacks and fast food to our national parks and Bigfoots have been gorging themselves on the leftovers," the expert explained.

"Obesity is a widespread problem among Americans and our poor dietary habits have now been passed onto Bigfoot. Research indicates that 63 percent of the creatures are now suffering from obesity."

The eye-popping photo was taken by campers Susan and Mark Fredinski, after they heard "something big" raiding the duffel bag containing their snacks during the night.

"The next morning, we heard this loud munching, we followed the sound to a clearing -- and saw the fat Bigfoot stuffing our Twinkies into his mouth," recalled Susan, 36.

"When Mark snapped the photo, the thing started to chase us, but after about 20 feet, it got winded and gave up."

Researchers from the Institute estimated the Bigfoot's weight from the impression he left in the mud.

"The footprint was typical Bigfoot length, 22 inches -- but three times as deep as the norm," Dr. Hullwood revealed.

"Research dating back to the 1930s shows that Bigfoot's natural diet consists of fruits, nuts and berries," said Dr. Hullwood. "It's a healthy, low-fat diet -- which unfortunately, he's abandoned."

While Bigfoot has always been described as "husky," the creature used to be remarkably fit, capable of ambling through the woods with surprising speed.

"By contrast, the Bigfoot the Fredinskis saw waddled at a snail's pace," the expert noted.

Bigfoot's bloated belly isn't just unsightly -- it puts him at risk for major health woes.

"Bigfoot is clearly a primate," observed Dr. Hullwood. "Along with humans, most primates such as gorillas and chimps are at risk for heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and stroke when they become overweight."

The scientist is asking WWN readers to help save Bigfoot from himself.

"When you visit one of our national parks, be sure to dispose of your uneaten food properly," he pleads. "Deposit it a bear-and-Bigfoot-proof dumpster at the campground." There is one bright side to the story.

"These out-of-shape Bigfoot are so slow, the odds are high we'll soon catch one alive," said Dr. Hullwood.

 

[cracKer]

If I’ve gotta touch somebody’s butt, I’m going with my dance partner and not some 300-pound slob who smells like a dead goat.

He definitely has a point here.