Caring for our elderly parents (1 Viewer)

[The Longtime Lurker]

I've mentioned this here and there, but my wife is an administrator for a long term health facility. If there's specific questions that can help anyone out let er rip and I'll see if i can get an answer.

Ask her how somebody can convince a stubborn old Texas boy that he needs more help than I'm able to provide.

Not to many cowboys up here, but we have lots of stubborn old men. I'll ask if there's a general resource or anything that might be helpful in these situations.

 

[The Longtime Lurker]

Please help - I need to get both my parents into assisted living. Like yesterday. They both have Alzheimer's disease and are getting worse by the day.

When researching living facilities, why do all these facilities seem like extremely overpriced scams? Won't Medicare pay some of these costs?

Please help me not get scammed and find a good place for my parents. How do you go about this?

Find Healthcare Providers: Compare Care Near You | Medicare

Find Medicare-approved providers near you & compare care quality for nursing homes, doctors, hospitals, hospice centers, more. Official Medicare site.

www.medicare.gov

 

[General Malaise]

I'm not okay. I'm struggling hard. I want to do right by him but I don't know how to go about that.

I feel for you all that have to go through this. As the youngest by a ton in my family, I've been blessed to avoid most of this with my family because my sister and middle brother took care of my mom. She was the same spot although she was never angry, just tired but wouldn't leave the family home. She just slept all the time. My oldest brother went through this on his own in CA a few years ago. We have no family out there but he had a solid friend base that found him after they hadn't heard from him for a week. Fallen and couldn't get up, house filled with nastiness. All in the middle of COVID making it even more difficult. He had some intestinal or stomach cancer, never really knew because he refused to go to the hospital because he knew they would keep him and would die alone. So he stayed and passed in his home that he loved. I walked in the door as he passed away so again was spared.

I can't provide support or even relevant advice but having seen most all of my family pass away I can say that no matter how bad they get, in their heart, they are that person you will remember them being. Show them love and muster up all the patience you can because this is only for a short time and having celebrated my mom's passing last week, after 15 years it's amazing how much you still miss them. I tell anyone that will listen, spend as much time with your family as you can, even during the bad times. You only have so much sand in the hourglass and then it's over.

Good luck on your journey GB, I know it sucks and life doesn't prepare you for this kind of stuff. There are just some things in life where a man needs to step up and get it done. Do what you can but at some point you will raise the white flag and he will be mad mad about it. He's not going to disown you, he's not going to not see you if he transitions to assisted living. He'll be mad but **** it, sometimes you gotta make the hard decisions. Do you have medical power of attorney?

Thanks GB, always appreciate your kindness towards me.

I do have power of attorney and have all his docs at the ready. We needed them in the hospital as he was close to death and the docs wanted a copy of his advance directive, which I had. Glad he was so well organized. I'm amazed he's back home after all he went through. They had to pour blood into him to keep him alive.

I lost my mom in 2018 and she died peacefully in the hospital. It was rough but we got to say our goodbyes and she was in very good hands.

But this is different. He's home alone right now while I'm at work and I can't really focus on anything. I'm just so worried he's fallen or had another bathroom accident or isn't eating or......I just can't get my head right.

And then I look all around me and others have it way worse, so I just feel awful complaining. People have lost their children and their homes in the last few days. I've just got a cranky old dad who lost a spleen. I'm all out of tears. Is there a version of crying that's like dry heaving?

 

[The Longtime Lurker]

I've mentioned this here and there, but my wife is an administrator for a long term health facility. If there's specific questions that can help anyone out let er rip and I'll see if i can get an answer.

Ask her how somebody can convince a stubborn old Texas boy that he needs more help than I'm able to provide.

Option 1 if you're the durable power of attorney you can make the decision yourself, option 2 his doctor can take away his decision making and you can move forward with long term care. Outside of that as long as they are there own person decision making likely remains up to them.

Nothing easy about any of it. Hard decisions that will seem wrong at the time no matter what you choose, been there done that. Getting him the help he needs and giving yourself a break you no doubt deserve is usually right.

 

[General Malaise]

I've mentioned this here and there, but my wife is an administrator for a long term health facility. If there's specific questions that can help anyone out let er rip and I'll see if i can get an answer.

Ask her how somebody can convince a stubborn old Texas boy that he needs more help than I'm able to provide.

Option 1 if you're the durable power of attorney you can make the decision yourself, option 2 his doctor can take away his decision making and you can move forward with long term care. Outside of that as long as they are there own person decision making likely remains up to them.

Nothing easy about any of it. Hard decisions that will seem wrong at the time no matter what you choose, been there done that. Getting him the help he needs and giving yourself a break you no doubt deserve is usually right.

Thank you, friend. That's nice to read.

Lot's of big decisions looming but we'll just take it one day at a time. If he falls again, it might be the last time and I've told him that. We got him an iWatch that's supposed to alert us if he falls but he hates it. He hates everything right now. It's hard to try and give attentive care to a person who resents it.

 

[beer 30]

But this is different. He's home alone right now while I'm at work and I can't really focus on anything. I'm just so worried he's fallen or had another bathroom accident or isn't eating or......I just can't get my head right.

And then I look all around me and others have it way worse, so I just feel awful complaining. People have lost their children and their homes in the last few days. I've just got a cranky old dad who lost a spleen. I'm all out of tears. Is there a version of crying that's like dry heaving?

It was the same with mom when she was at home. One of either my brother or sister would stop by to see her everyday but she was on her own for most all of the day. I was 3 hours away and every time I got a call from her house or the brother/sister my heart sank. You do the best you can with what you have. You also pretty much put your life on hold until the situation resolves itself one way or the other. I'm guessing you've talked about a Life Alert button with him. That's what we set up for mom so we had some peace of mind. The struggle with that is getting them to actually wear it.

You're not complaining GB, you're coping with a group of perfect strangers, most of whom you've never met, that care very deeply for you because of what you've provided all of us throughout the years. Don't be ashamed or feel like you're trying to take the spotlight away from someone else's struggles. This is life man, there are a lot of parts that are spectacular and there are some that just rip your heart out. We all have those moments at one time or another and have to deal with it. Your sharing is part of your process because you've always been super open about your life here. That's why we tolerate you

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Please help - I need to get both my parents into assisted living. Like yesterday. They both have Alzheimer's disease and are getting worse by the day.

When researching living facilities, why do all these facilities seem like extremely overpriced scams? Won't Medicare pay some of these costs?

Please help me not get scammed and find a good place for my parents. How do you go about this?

Where are you?

When I had to place my mom in memory care, I lucked out big time. The nearest place was called Silverado. Totally worth it. They allow couples to stay together. They also allow their pets if possible. I knew I had a good place when it smelled like a home, rather than a medical facility. I could see mom whenever I wanted, including 3AM. (Not that I did that, but there were no restrictions.) They do their own hospice care. They even carried the debt for several months until I was able to complete the guardianship process and get access to funds. They made it all better for me and her.

If you can, get PoA and Medical PoA now. Trust me, you need them.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

You're not complaining GB, you're coping with a group of perfect strangers, most of whom you've never met, that care very deeply for you because of what you've provided all of us throughout the years.

Not complaining at all. A bunch of us have been through this. We get it.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

@General Malaise We’re all there, have been there or are soon to be there. Vent away. It’s a safe space. My step dad is 79 and headed in the wrong direction physically. My mom is 80 and there seems to be a little cognitive decline. Step dad refuses all in home care so far. Won’t put up bars in t(e shower, etc. stubborn.

 

[SpurrierisisGod]

So a little different take....

My dad is 78. Still works. Has normal health issues you'd expect of a 78 yo dude, maybe a few more. No dementia or anything but mind isn't 100% obviously.

His job got "downsized". They cut his whole department. Yes, he should be retired but he freaks out about money (my sister lives with him - no financial help - different story/thread). He's not the best with computers. Sure, he can find his pron but out side of that and the limewire level viruses he probably has, he cant even figure out the unemployment website.

From what I remember from having to declare unemployment maybe 3 times since 2015, it was pretty cut and dry... fill out your info, answer 5-10 questions about willing to work, able to work etc and done.

My sister says he's been up to the office like 6 times, cant figure out the website, has to list 25 contacts a week he has made and on and on. I don't remember any issues like that. Best part is I live like 5 miles on the other side of town and he hasn't mentioned any of this. My sister isn't much help. I've asked how the job search is going (even though I told him a year after my mom passed in 2014) that he should sell and move to the beach, he's earned it. Nope. Worried about sis and her kid (who's in college).

He'll never find another job. Not in today's world of online applications. I'm surprised he hasn't asked me what happened to monster dot Com.

Long rant to basically just ask, have unemployment claims changed in the last few years that he things he has to list out a crap ton of contacts he's made? Am I misremebering that it was just click a few buttons and hit submit?

 

[fatness]

Long rant to basically just ask, have unemployment claims changed in the last few years that he things he has to list out a crap ton of contacts he's made? Am I misremebering that it was just click a few buttons and hit submit?

Sorry to hear about your dad's difficulties.
Alabama has a website for getting unemployment information and making claims. Is this something he would allow you to navigate for him?
https://uiclaimantportal.labor.alabama.gov/

 

[MAC_32]

I've been actively struggling with this. I'm not comfortable getting into the weeds, but I think it's important we build a situation in which our kids don't feel responsible for taking care of us. While that approach appears consistent with my in-laws, it's not with my folks. The most demanding time in most humans lives are middle aged when work responsibilities peak in alignment with kids activities. How does one take care of themselves, not cut corners with the above, and care for their elders. And the lack of question mark is intentional.