Facebook 'frenemies'
I thought I'd seen the last of the meanest mean girl of my school days.... Why do they persist in thinking you'd want to see the vacation pictures of the person who bullied you in school? Or is there an ulterior motive?
By Tamara Ikenberg
tikenberg@courier-journal.com
I thought I'd seen the last of the meanest mean girl of my school days.
But through Facebook, I suddenly found myself face to profile picture with Sally Cinders (not her real name, but close enough).
The Pol Pot of the Playground, Sally would pick out her wimpy prey and assemble other bullies to surround them, creating a chorus of criticism. She was the kind of girl who'd just turn around and, for no reason, call you fat.
So when Sally friend-requested me on Facebook, I was both taken aback and transported back to that playground. The insecure schoolgirl in me accepted her friend request without really thinking it through. Then I browsed her page. Apparently she's getting an advanced degree in abnormal psychology.
Good for her! Maybe she'll find out why she was such an evil witch.
The bully requests continued. Classmates who attended the wild high school parties at my next door neighbors' house (and who never invited me) have been returning four and five times after having initially been ignored by me. If they'd been this eager to be my friend back then, I might be so much more psychologically stable now.
Why? Why do nasty people you were perfectly content never to see or to speak of again do this? Why on earth would they think you'd want to see their wedding pictures or those of their offspring? Perhaps they are repentant. Perhaps they have no clue as to the damage they caused. Most likely, they're just friend collectors looking to increase their friend-count.
"'Popularity' aside, Facebook evens the playing field somewhat, unless you have friend-envy ... quantity-envy, that is," says Kyle Shepherd, media and publicity coordinator for Actors Theatre of Louisville, who has gotten friend-requests from not-so-nice past classmates. "But, really? Who can keep up with 1,400 friends?"
Whatever the motivation, a friend-request from a former oppressor actually empowers the former torment-ees. Now the victimized have the upper hand in the exclusion game.
Patrick Smith, a 21-year-old Highlands resident, was a high school outsider whose friends mostly didn't attend his school. He says he's gotten unwanted friend-requests from high school jerks — some of whom used to "fold up pieces of paper with paper clips in them and fling them at me with a rubber band," he says. He's also been found by kids who threatened to physically harm him. "Several of the people who used to pick on me, they'll see we have mutual friends and go to the same events, and they'll friend-request me."
He says he tends to ignore them, but he's given a few of them a chance to redeem themselves.
"I have started new friendships, but most of the time, they're still that same basic person," Smith says. "They may look different and act nice to you in public, but they're still the same when you get down to it."
Holly Rudolph, 44, had a high school experience she equates with the high-school-hell film "Carrie," minus the pig's blood.
"When I see friend-requests from people who were cruel — whether it was in school or since then — I may have a fleeting pang of anger and say a few unprintable words to the computer. Then I hit the "Ignore" button and they're vaporized," says Rudolph, a Jeffersontown resident.
"I don't have too many warm and fuzzy memories of those years or those people. ... Others, though, I do accept their friend-requests and assume they've grown up to be good people. I'd hate for anyone to judge me for the rest of my life on who I was at age 16."
In some cases, people scarred by school bullies want their former foes to see how far they've come since their weird-kid days.
"On Facebook you can see that I have a semi-glamorous career, lots of great friends and a sassy, size-6 wardrobe," Rudolph says. "Why would I want to deprive my former classmates of seeing evidence of that?"
Matt Villano, 33, a freelance writer living in California, recently was found by one of his high school "frenemies" on Facebook.
"When we were teens, our relationship was based on mutual taunting. At 16, it was fun," he says. Years later, the tauntress friend-requested him. Villano accepted and lived to regret it.
"The insults resumed. Every time I updated my status, she'd comment with some sort of snarky line," he says. "Her input got meaner and meaner. Finally, I had enough, realized that I didn't have to tolerate it on Facebook as I did in high school. So I fired her. I dropped her from my list of friends and blocked her."
Sam Hall, a 22-year-old Germantown resident, says she has gotten a sinking feeling several times when certain classmates have requested her — even if she can't recall exactly what they did to her.
"I don't want to remember why I don't like them," she says.
Strangely, her worst Facebook former-bully experience was courtesy of a teacher, rather than a peer. Hall explains that she had a young female teacher with whom she had a rocky in-class relationship. The teacher recently sent Hall an unexpected, unwanted friend-request. But it was just a bitter vindictive ploy.
"I accepted her request and she removed me!" Hall says.
All of this makes one wish there was an option stronger than "Ignore" — like a "You Ruined My Life" or a "Bully B Gone" button.
As for Sally Cinders, I dropped her from my friend list a few days after accepting her. I don't care if she's really cool and nice now. To me, she'll always be Playground Enemy No. 1.
Never gets old.
Here's one from today. I almost feel bad posting it..."I actually have to study all day i have a class tonight gosh.. i haven't a clue on how to tsart see i can't even spell start"This was after he explained he hasn't studied since high school - I think it's a contractor's exam... I am ####### cracking up right now. 
Not a slight, blow up doll.
I guess if you don't want to offend anybody with the straight-up 'decline' or whatever. I've only done this to a couple of friend requests. I'm more of a philosopher. I like to mingle with the little people.
...especially the only girl I ever wanted...who's married now. 
