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Everyone Kills Hitler On Their First Trip (1 Viewer)

GregR

Footballguy
Had something remind me of this gem and went to dig it up. Enjoy.

International Association of Time Travelers: Members’ Forum
Subforum: Europe – Twentieth Century – Second World War
Page 263

11/15/2104
At 14:52:28, FreedomFighter69 wrote:
Reporting my first temporal excursion since joining IATT: have just returned from 1936 Berlin, having taken the place of one of Leni Riefenstahl’s cameramen and assassinated Adolf Hitler during the opening of the Olympic Games. Let a free world rejoice!

At 14:57:44, SilverFox316 wrote:
Back from 1936 Berlin; incapacitated FreedomFighter69 before he could pull his little stunt. Freedomfighter69, as you are a new member, please read IATT Bulletin 1147 regarding the killing of Hitler before your next excursion. Failure to do so may result in your expulsion per Bylaw 223.

At 18:06:59, BigChill wrote:
Take it easy on the kid, SilverFox316; everybody kills Hitler on their first trip. I did. It always gets fixed within a few minutes, what’s the harm?

At 18:33:10, SilverFox316 wrote:
Easy for you to say, BigChill, since to my recollection you’ve never volunteered to go back and fix it. You think I’ve got nothing better to do?

11/16/2104
At 10:15:44, JudgeDoom wrote:
Good news! I just left a French battlefield in October 1916, where I shot dead a young Bavarian Army messenger named Adolf Hitler! Not bad for my first time, no? Sic semper tyrannis!

At 10:22:53, SilverFox316 wrote:
Back from 1916 France I come, having at the last possible second prevented Hitler’s early demise at the hands of JudgeDoom and, incredibly, restrained myself from shooting JudgeDoom and sparing us all years of correcting his misguided antics. READ BULLETIN 1147, PEOPLE!

At 15:41:18, BarracksRoomLawyer wrote:
Point of order: issues related to Hitler’s service in the Bavarian Army ought to go in the World War I forum.

11/21/2104
At 02:21:30, SneakyPete wrote:
Vienna, 1907: after numerous attempts, have infiltrated the Academy of Fine Arts and facilitated Adolf Hitler’s admission to that institution. Goodbye, Hitler the dictator; hello, Hitler the modestly successful landscape artist! Brought back a few of his paintings as well, any buyers?

At 02:29:17, SilverFox316 wrote:
All right; that’s it. Having just returned from 1907 Vienna where I secured the expulsion of Hitler from the Academy by means of an elaborate prank involving the Prefect, a goat, and a substantial quantity of olive oil, I now turn my attention to our newer brethren, who, despite rules to the contrary, seem to have no intention of reading Bulletin 1147 (nor its Addendum, Alternate Means of Subverting the Hitlerian Destiny, and here I’m looking at you, SneakyPete). Permit me to sum it up and save you the trouble: no Hitler means no Third Reich, no World War II, no rocketry programs, no electronics, no computers, no time travel. Get the picture?

At 02:29:49, SilverFox316 wrote:
PS to SneakyPete: your Hitler paintings aren’t worth anything, schmuck, since you probably brought them directly here from 1907, which means the paint’s still fresh. Freaking n00b.

At 07:55:03, BarracksRoomLawyer wrote:
Amen, SilverFox316. Although, point of order, issues relating to early 1900s Vienna should really go in that forum, not here. This has been a recurring problem on this forum.

11/26/2104
At 18:26:18, Jason440953 wrote:
SilverFox316, you seem to know a lot about the rules; what are your thoughts on traveling to, say, Braunau, Austria, in 1875 and killing Alois Hitler before he has a chance to father Adolf? Mind you, I’m asking out of curiosity alone, since I already went and did it.

At 18:42:55, SilverFox316 wrote:
Jason440953, see Bylaw 7, which states that all IATT rulings regarding historical persons apply to ancestors as well. I post this for the benefit of others, as I already made this clear to young Jason in person as I was dragging him back from 1875 by his hair. Got that? No ancestors. (Though if anyone were to go back to, say, Moline, Illinois, in, say, 2080 or so, and intercede to prevent Jason440953’s conception, I could be persuaded to look the other way.)

At 21:19:17, BarracksRoomLawyer wrote:
Point of order: discussions of nineteenth–century Austria and twenty–first–century Illinois should be confined to their respective forums.

12/01/2104
At 15:56:41, AsianAvenger wrote:
FreedomFighter69, JudgeDoom, SneakyPete, Jason440953, you’re nothing but a pack of racists. Let the light of righteousness shine upon your squalid little viper’s nest!

At 16:40:17, BigTom44 wrote:
Well, here we #######’ go.

At 16:58:42, FreedomFighter69 wrote:
Racist? For killing Hitler? WTF?

At 17:12:52, SaucyAussie wrote:
AsianAvenger, you’re not rehashing that whole Nagasaki issue again, are you? We just got everyone calmed down from last time.

At 17:22:37, LadyJustice wrote:
I’m with SaucyAussie. AsianAvenger, you’re making even less sense than usual. What gives?

At 18:56:09, AsianAvenger wrote:
What gives is everyone’s repeated insistence on a course of action which, even if successful, would only save a few million Europeans. It would be no more trouble to travel to Fuyuanshui, China, in 1814 and kill Hong Xiuquan, thus preventing the Taiping Rebellion of the mid–nineteenth century and saving fifty million lives in the process. But, hey, what are fifty million yellow devils more or less, right, guys? We’ve got Poles and Frenchmen to worry about.

At 19:01:38, LadyJustice wrote:
Well, what’s stopping you from killing him, AsianAvenger?

At 19:11:43, AsianAvenger wrote:
Only to have SilverFox316 undo my work? What’s the point?

At 19:59:23, SilverFox316 wrote:
Actually, it seems like a pretty good idea to me, AsianAvenger. No complications that I can see.

At 20:07:25, Big Chill wrote:
Go for it, man.

At 20:11:31, AsianAvenger wrote:
Very well. I shall return in mere moments, the savior of millions!

At 20:14:17, LadyJustice wrote:
Just checked the timeline; congrats on your success, AsianAvenger!

12/02/2104
At 10:52:53, LadyJustice wrote:
AsianAvenger?

At 11:41:40, SilverFox316 wrote:
AsianAvenger, we need your report, buddy.

At 17:15:32, SilverFox316 wrote:
Okay, apparently AsianAvenger was descended from Hong Xiuquan. Any volunteers to go back and stop him from negating his own existence?

12/10/2104
At 09:14:44, SilverFox316 wrote:
Anyone?

At 09:47:13, BarracksRoomLawyer wrote:
Point of order: this discussion belongs in the Qing Dynasty forum. We’re adults; can we keep sight of what’s important around here?

 

GregR

Footballguy
More old school internet goodness.

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If
you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided
that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice
is attached.

 _________________________________________________________________

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

                     The Top 100 Things I'd Do
                 If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

                                  
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
   visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
   kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
   the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
   Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
   applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
   kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll
   say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him
   then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
   immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
   three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be
   carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
   necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
   labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not
   Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid
   enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
   clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
   hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
   to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
   weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
   flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
   implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
   rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the
   bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
   any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
   aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
   other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
   that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
   activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting
   his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
   just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
   their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
   attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
   distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
   evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd
   betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
   maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss
   unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
   adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
   uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap
   knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman
   footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually
   defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
   will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
   troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
   neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
   energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a
   handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
   weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job,
   at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM
   INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
   sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for
   one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
   there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate
   to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a
   prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
   systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For
   the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded
   weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
   escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
   into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
   cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My
   foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no
   source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
   surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
   reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his
   sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
   news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are
   hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
   wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more
   casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black
   leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
   diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
   Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
   block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I
   will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
   handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
   a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
   lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
   anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately,
   instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of
   vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
   at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
   opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
   unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
   possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
   time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
   monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable
   of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
   beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
   good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her
   in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
   work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even
   the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
   responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my
   general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say
   "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill
   some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can
   one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
   will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting
   for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
   with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it
   will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
   me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will
   send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in
   the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system
   that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and
   Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
   conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
   transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
   examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and
   abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
   you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and
   kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
   double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
   in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on
   important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will
   first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
   attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any
   who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be
   used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
   carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
   dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
   code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30
   seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to
   passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
   scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that
   satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
   structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
   firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors.
   And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames
   going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
   unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to
   be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available
   terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room
   clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the
   Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as
   Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
   who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad
   for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating
   that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
   instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
   full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This
   is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the
   offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again,
   they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
   delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
   foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures
   of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
   travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if
   one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other
   will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
   quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
   should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of
   marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device
   and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon
   instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
   contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for
   them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so
   that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I
   will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on
   top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
   instead of standing around waiting while members break off and
   attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
   struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will
   also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a
   rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth
   considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
   the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will
   retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant
   is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!"
   The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably
   practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as
   soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
   limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
   best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger
   ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
   disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind
   me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically
   turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
   front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous,
   unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
   have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks
   for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to
   switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
   opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
   complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred
   altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse."
   Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
   properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
   Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
   them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task
   again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
   disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever
   holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the
   weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation
   is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
   obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current
   entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
   Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new
   insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me
   alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return
   to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in
   this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
   underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the
   hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop
   and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
   bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate
   tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma
   team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
   panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel
   on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
   reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
   monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and
   affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have
   forced them together against their will and they spend all their
   time bickering and criticizing each other except during the
   intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at
   which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately
   order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in
   size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
   trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet
   access.

 

GregR

Footballguy
Another, from the early days of MMORPGs

Frodo looked out across the barren landscape, the Ring heavy in his pocket. “Oh, Sam, I’m so tired. We have travelled so far, and endured so much to come to this horrid place at last. But I cannot go on, I simply have not the strength to continue.”

“Enough of that, Mr. Frodo”, Sam said, tears welling in his sad brown eyes. The six months of travel showed on Samwise Gamgee, and the strain of getting to this hellish point echoed still in his darkened countenance. His hood was drawn up against the hot wind blowing from the slopes of the infernal mountain. “Mr. Elrond chose well, he did, when he held counsel. He saw through to your heart, and knew you would be strong, Mr. Frodo, and that’s what you are. Come now, let’s get moving. The faster we’re done with this unpleasant business the faster we can get back to the Shire.” Sam glanced uneasily at Gollum, still tressed in the elven rope, and scratching where it burned his skin. Gollum glared back at Sam, an unmistakeable hungry leer in his look.

“Aye, Samwise, it has been a long road, it’s true. I do wish old Bilbo had never found this ring, and started us all on this perilous…what was that noise? Orcs?”

On the path ahead, a commotion arose. Cheers and ragged screams welled from what sounded like a hundred voices filled the chasms around Mt. Doom with an unholy cacophany. From the cave mouth just ahead, where the Fires of Mt. Doom burned forever, a giant Ogre came stumbling out, and trod to within inches of where Gollum, Samwise, and Frodo sat. The three shrank back against the cliff in fear, but the ogre took no notice of them. Instead, he raised his cudgel to the sky, and screamed in the full timbre of his ogrish voice, “WOOT! Dark Lord PWNED!”

An answering call of a hundred voices echoed from without the cave, and many a shout of “Woot!” and “Gratz!” came, as more and more beings piled forth from the cave. Elves, Hobbits, Trolls, and Humans all came forth, slapping the ogre on the back and looking at a small black bag the ogre held in his other hand. “PWNED!”

“Uhm, excuse me…”, began Frodo.

“Eh?” the ogre turned and looked at the halfing, noticing him for the first time. “WTF are you doing here? Is that Mithril? Dude, WTF are you doing in this zone in Mithril? Go to Lothlorien, and get yourself a Galadriel Skin Tunic. It’s like so much better than that #### you’re wearing. Mithril, that’s like, tradeskill stuff, right? Hey, Ubernutz, check this hobbit out, he’s in this zone in fooking tradeskill ####!”

“Just a sec, Urofsuke,” a half elf said from a little ways up the trail. “I’m doing loot. Did you say tradeskill stuff? Hah, how lame!”

Frodo’s head swam, with hunger and the heat. “Yes, the tunic, it was forged by dwarves long ago, and was given to me by my Uncle…”

“You’re a twink?”

“Ah, hmm. I was just wondering…ah, you see, I found this Ring, lost for centuries, and was sent on a quest from Rivendell to destroy…”

“You’re doing the fooking QUEST?! BWAH, hahahah, that’s rich, dude, no one has the time to wait for that Gollum puke to spawn! Just come and kill TDL and get his hand, and do the turn in from there. WTF, I can’t believe you waited for the fooking ring.” Urofsuke peered down at the little hobbit, a look of distain across his broad face. “Doesn’t matter now, of course, we just pwned TDL and he won’t be around for a while.”

Frodo blinked, confused by the ogre’s words. “TDL…?”

Urofsuke sighed, and took on a tone of voice usually reserved for small, ogrish children who had eaten a froglok right before their dinnertime. “The Dark Lord, dude. The boss mob in this zone. We just killed him, so he won’t be up for you to do the quest part with that ring.”

“But the council of Rivendell…”

“Dude, let me tell you, Rivendell sucks. It’s only good for tradeskills. Only reason to go to that zone is to pharm crowns from Elrond. Nice crown, but it’s his rare. He usually just drops a no drop phial, heals damage from Mordor Blades. Like anyone uses one of those POS things.”

“Pharm…crowns?” Frodo’s vision blurred, and he swayed backwards, momentarily losing his footing. He knocked against Gollum, who let out a yelp and scampered further back against the cliff.

“Holy fook, it’s Gollum!” and without another word, Urofsuke smashed Gollum with a mighty blow from his cudgel, and killed the poor, pathetic creature outright. Gollum let out a small squeal, then lay still, pressed against the elven cord. “Hahahah! Fooking Greenie mob! I love those!”, and the ogre walked up and took a heretofore unseen bag from Gollum’s back. “Woot! Gollum’s satchel! This’ll bring me a couple kpp! Uh, dude, there’s another ring on the corpse, it’s no drop, and not lore, if you want it…”

“Now see here, Gollum was with us!” Samwise began, momentarily overcoming his bewilderment and fear to approach the towering ogre. “We were taking him to…”

“Can’t claim an outdoor mob, dude. Gollum’s FFA. If you didn’t attack him, he’s not your mob. Sorry, them’s the rules.”

“Urofsuke, my alt just reported Smaug up in Gondor, dude, let’s go!” Ubernutz had finished handing around what appeared to be a darkened sword and crown. “We’re porting out from here, you in?”

“Yeah, I"m coming. Well, nice talking to you guys. We’re porting to Gondor, you guys need a lift?”

“We have walked for many months to come to this place…” Frodo began again, trying to regain some measure of control over the situation.

“You WALKED? In MITHRIL? To MOUNT DOOM? Dude, there’s a port in at Minas Morgul! WTF ever, okay? I’m outta here.” And with that, a shimmering light surrounded the ogre, and a whooshing sound heralded his disappearance, and the disappearance of the other hundred or so souls that had gathered on that desolate trail, leaving Samwise and Frodo alone, once again, with only the bleeding corpse of Gollum for company. The one ring of power gleamed dully in Frodo’s hand, and seemed, for a long while, to be just a bit heavier than it had been.
 

 

Kal El

Footballguy
I had a list of not only Evil Overlord rules(the number got to 238 on it), but it had lists for henchmen, the Evil Overlord’s Beautiful Daughter, and a lot more on it. I copied it into a Word file, and I think I have it somewhere at home. The site isn’t there now, I don’t think.

 

grateful zed

Footballguy
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