Extended family funerals: do you attend from long distance no matter w (1 Viewer)

[Zow]

In a position right now where I'm debating whether to attend my grandmother's funeral this Monday in Minnesota (I'm in AZ). She passed away a week ago from cancer at a very old age. She was suffering and her death was long-expected, so while it is very sad to see her go I and I think the rest of my family view it as a positive. I had the opportunity to speak to her the night prior to her passing and have talked to other family members throughout the days leading up to her death. So, personally, I don't need further closure. She is my dad's mother and that side of the family while drama-free, is very introverted and just not that close. While my grandma and I got along very well and I visited her a few times a year, we didn't have any real strong emotional bond or anything like that. I do have a cousin who lives out of the country who is not attending. My dad has indicated he'd like me there, but he's not pushing it or anything.

So, here's my dilemma: work is presently pretty crazy. I have to travel several hours tonight to attend an all-day mediation Friday and travel back on Saturday. I have a can't-miss work thing next Wednesday that I need to be back and prepped for. Accordingly, the only flight options for Sunday-Tuesday are pretty terrible and a red eye would be inevitable and work would pile up. Additionally, prices are insanely high (flight + hotel will cost me about 1k) and due to a recent trip in December and some dental work my wife and I don't have the money liquidated and would have to put it on credit or pull from emergency savings. I was currently trying to budget for a trip in the fall where I could stay a week and see more family without the rush. Lastly, the weather could mess everything up.

At this point I'm leaning towards not attending (and maybe sending flowers, calling in, etc.). Financially it would hurt my wife and me and flying essentially two days in a row with a red eye flight is awful. My wife is on board with whatever I decide but shares my same financial worries. So, given everything I'd rather not go. That said though I'm feeling pretty ####ty about not attending. This is my first death in the family as an adult. Is this something that is an automatic attend?

 

[top dog]

That sucks. Funerals are more for the living than the dead really. Is the rest of the family understanding? I mean, if you can't make it, you can't make it. You really need to base your decision on how you know your Dad. He is really the one you would be going for. If he would understand, there you go. If it does mean a lot to him and he just isn't showing it.. You might want to consider it. He might need you.

 

[Homer J Simpson]

Sorry GB. For what it's worth, you have my permission to pass on the funeral.

 

[Doug B]

You really need to base your decision on how you know your Dad. He is really the one you would be going for. If he would understand, there you go. If it does mean a lot to him and he just isn't showing it.. You might want to consider it. He might need you.

Hard to offer good advice without knowing your Dad personally and some other family-only information, though. With the general info given, I'd think you could miss the funeral without any lasting family issues.

 

[pats3in4]

I think for a grandparent, you go. She's your dad's mother. While I didn't have your admittedly stressful work and financial situation, I flew from CA to MA for my grandmother's funeral about a decade ago, so I can relate quite a bit. My wife stayed behind with our (sick) 7 month old. I'm glad I went and didn't want to live with regrets of putting other issues like work and finances over the death of a grandparent.

 

[McGarnicle]

You monster. That's your grandmother, go to her damn funeral.

 

[Zow]

I think for a grandparent, you go. She's your dad's mother. While I didn't have your admittedly stressful work and financial situation, I flew from CA to MA for my grandmother's funeral about a decade ago, so I can relate quite a bit. My wife stayed behind with our (sick) 7 month old. I'm glad I went and didn't want to live with regrets of putting other issues like work and finances over the death of a grandparent.

This, along with the "letting down family" thing, is partly my worry. I don't think I'd regret it, but I don't know for sure.

 

[Angry Beavers]

its your grandmother. you go. period. work can wait.

 

[pats3in4]

I think for a grandparent, you go. She's your dad's mother. While I didn't have your admittedly stressful work and financial situation, I flew from CA to MA for my grandmother's funeral about a decade ago, so I can relate quite a bit. My wife stayed behind with our (sick) 7 month old. I'm glad I went and didn't want to live with regrets of putting other issues like work and finances over the death of a grandparent.

This, along with the "letting down family" thing, is partly my worry. I don't think I'd regret it, but I don't know for sure.

You'll handle the hassle of your workload coupled with the funeral. You'll make up the financial shortfall sooner or later. You only get one shot at your grandmother's funeral.

 

[Pipes]

Yeah a grandmother really isn't extended family, at least in most instances. In our family I was pretty close to my grandmothers and wouldn't have missed either one of their funerals for just about anything. Every family is different though...sorry for your loss.

 

[comfortably numb]

Go pay your respects to NaNa and show some support to your family!!

 

[Apple Jack]

JFC

 

[brun]

Sorry for your loss.

Funerals are one of the few times some of us get to see our extended family. Your Dad might appreciate the support. It's not like you can go next time she dies. Good reasons to go.

You may be able to get special airfare if you ask the airline.

Still, you have to take care of your immediate family first. Only you can decide on how it balances out. Maybe it woks out better if the wife stays home.

No wrong decision. You can only be in one place at a time.

 

[Osaurus]

Did she have a pony growing up?

 

[NCCommish]

My condolences. It sounds like it is going to suck but yeah I think you go for a grandparent.

 

[Zow]

Yeah a grandmother really isn't extended family, at least in most instances. In our family I was pretty close to my grandmothers and wouldn't have missed either one of their funerals for just about anything. Every family is different though...sorry for your loss.

Yeah, that's what makes it tough for me. I loved my grandma and always made an effort to see her when I lived there and now visit, but we weren't ever really close or anything. Frankly, we struggled to communicate well the last few years beyond generic family small talk due to her becoming very vocal and disapproving of some of my work (representing illegal aliens). I'm a lot closer to my maternal grandmother and I unfortunately gotta admit, I probably wouldn't hesitate to go if my maternal grandmother died.

Attending is more for my dad's side of the family than anything. As I indicated I feel pretty ####ty not having the overwhelming desire to go.

 

[Osaurus]

Sounds like you made up your mind then

 

[Da Guru]

If she was ever a part of your life I would go. My dads mother was never a part of my life. In fact I only saw her 5-6 times in my whole live. When she passed I did not go. I felt like I hardly knew her. My moms mother was like a second mother to me. When she passed I lived near her but would have gone anywhere to her funeral.

 

[Zow]

Sounds like you made up your mind then

Second-guessing myself.

 

[Spin]

I think for a grandparent, you go. She's your dad's mother. While I didn't have your admittedly stressful work and financial situation, I flew from CA to MA for my grandmother's funeral about a decade ago, so I can relate quite a bit. My wife stayed behind with our (sick) 7 month old. I'm glad I went and didn't want to live with regrets of putting other issues like work and finances over the death of a grandparent.

This, along with the "letting down family" thing, is partly my worry. I don't think I'd regret it, but I don't know for sure.

You'll handle the hassle of your workload coupled with the funeral. You'll make up the financial shortfall sooner or later. You only get one shot at your grandmother's funeral.

This sums it up perfectly, imo. You should go if within your power to do so.

Sorry about your loss, even if you weren't as close as you'd like, it still sucks.

 

[Nathan R. Jessep]

Sorry for your loss. I'd think a conversation with your dad regarding this would answer the question for you. I'd guess he'll either say something along the lines of "I really need you there with me" (for support for HIM) or "I understand it will put your family in a bind, so do what you have to do for your family"

 

[Franknbeans]

go so you don't have any regrets later

 

[VA703]

have you thought about skyping in

 

[McGarnicle]

Sounds like you made up your mind then

Second-guessing myself.

If you're having doubts, heed them. Err on the side of compassion and selflessness and be there for your family in a time of loss. Maybe one day you'll need their support. You don't get to replace family like you do friends. Once they're gone, they're gone. Then what do you have? Jack ####. You monster.

 

[Sarnoff]

You go for a grandparent. At least one event, whether it's the wake or the funeral.

I remember when my great-grandfather died, an older cousin made the trip from DC to NY for the wake (her grandfather). Like, for five minutes of the wake. She came in, knelt for a prayer, spoke a few words to each of his sons, said a few hello's around the room, and then apologized for having to leave so quickly and headed back to DC.

 

[Parrothead]

have you thought about skyping in

or make a video.. or get a fat head of yourself to put on the wall?

 

[Mister Martie]

I think it is pretty selfish if you don't go. Somehow your workplace survived before you were hired, I'm sure they'll survive if you take a day or two to attend a family member's funeral.

 

[Tom Servo]

Sorry for your loss. I'd think a conversation with your dad regarding this would answer the question for you. I'd guess he'll either say something along the lines of "I really need you there with me" (for support for HIM) or "I understand it will put your family in a bind, so do what you have to do for your family"

I think this the best course here. Of course, he may not be able to express what he wants if he's that introverted. You may have come out and pointedly ask him, "Do I need to be there for you?"

If it were me, I'd have to do what's best for my family.

 

[RnR]

Good grief. Go to the funeral. Money can be replaced over time. Being there for your dad and to put your grandmother to rest cannot. Can you imagine if your kid phoned it in on you when one of your parents dies?

The fact that you're even considering how the red eye flights will impact you really shows a lot about your character, IMO.

 

[headcrack]

I missed my grandmother's funeral due to work and financial issues and it being 1500 miles away. I talked to my father about it and while he said he understood and for me not to worry about it, I still can't help feeling like I let him down and I regret that I didn't do more to make sure I could be there.

 

[NutterButter]

I wouldn't personally go only b/c I really get nothing out of funerals. Any closure I need is not in that manner. Attending a funeral should a personal choice. The hell with what social norms say you should do.

 

[Juxtatarot]

I thought this would be about a parent's cousin or something like that. As others have said, you should go.

 

[rodg12]

Chance for regret later or causing hard feelings with other family members >>>>>> any possible work/financial hardships.

Also, if 'emergency savings' aren't for things like this...what the heck are they for?

 

[McGarnicle]

I wouldn't personally go only b/c I really get nothing out of funerals. Any closure I need is not in that manner. Attending a funeral should a personal choice. The hell with what social norms say you should do.

Don't go if you don't mind appearing as callous and insensitive as this. Sorry, I don't get anything out of funerals and I have work to do. Good luck with that whole...burying Grandma thing. Catch you on the flippity-flip.

You monster.

 

[FUBAR]

Both of my grandparents died when I was really young, but we attended my wife's grandparents funerals despite traveling a long way.

It's worth it for the family.

Aunts and Uncles, I might pass on but grandparents are special.

 

[Hilts]

I wouldn't personally go only b/c I really get nothing out of funerals. Any closure I need is not in that manner. Attending a funeral should a personal choice. The hell with what social norms say you should do.

I'm with this. Perhaps that makes me a monster.

You can pay your respect to any surviving family members you care about without attending the funeral.

 

[the moops]

Jesus dude. get on a ####### flight and go to her ####### funeral.

 

[NutterButter]

I wouldn't personally go only b/c I really get nothing out of funerals. Any closure I need is not in that manner. Attending a funeral should a personal choice. The hell with what social norms say you should do.

Don't go if you don't mind appearing as callous and insensitive as this. Sorry, I don't get anything out of funerals and I have work to do. Good luck with that whole...burying Grandma thing. Catch you on the flippity-flip.

You monster.

If I was in the neighbor, I would swing by. But flying across country. Be reasonable.

 

[Franknbeans]

I wouldn't personally go only b/c I really get nothing out of funerals. Any closure I need is not in that manner. Attending a funeral should a personal choice. The hell with what social norms say you should do.

Except it's not really about him. It's really about being there for the rest of the family. He won't get a do over.

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

Lol at extended family. POS.

How much did you pay for that engagement ring again?

 

[McGarnicle]

I wouldn't personally go only b/c I really get nothing out of funerals. Any closure I need is not in that manner. Attending a funeral should a personal choice. The hell with what social norms say you should do.

I'm with this. Perhaps that makes me a monster.

You can pay your respect to any surviving family members you care about without attending the funeral.

:thinking:







Yes. Monster.

 

[Keerock]

[tangent]

My Aunt died last summer. Her daughter didn't do a funeral, but instead did a skype chat with everyone in the family (some in MI, FL, CA, CO, NY). Seemed corny when she first proposed it, but it ended up working out pretty well with lots of tributes, memories, etc. Even the old farts like my dad (her brother) thought it was nice.

[/tangent]

 

[Flying V]

Are you in the will?

 

[the moops]

Lol at extended family. POS.

How much did you pay for that engagement ring again?

 

[Hilts]

I wouldn't personally go only b/c I really get nothing out of funerals. Any closure I need is not in that manner. Attending a funeral should a personal choice. The hell with what social norms say you should do.

I'm with this. Perhaps that makes me a monster.

You can pay your respect to any surviving family members you care about without attending the funeral.

:thinking:







Yes. Monster.

 

[McGarnicle]

Lol at extended family. POS.

How much did you pay for that engagement ring again?

Can we get a synopsis or URL on this? Sounds entertaining.

 

[NutterButter]

I wouldn't personally go only b/c I really get nothing out of funerals. Any closure I need is not in that manner. Attending a funeral should a personal choice. The hell with what social norms say you should do.

Except it's not really about him. It's really about being there for the rest of the family. He won't get a do over.

I'm the exact the opposite of someone who needs someone to be there for me when going through a personal loss. Someone being there or calling me to wish their condolences has little affect on the feelings that I'm experiencing. Just let me grieve in peace. I never could understand who a funeral is really for. The immediate family holds the funeral so that other people can pay their respects. Other people come to support the immediate family.

 

[SoCalBroncoFan]

In a position right now where I'm debating whether to attend my grandmother's funeral this Monday in Minnesota (I'm in AZ). She passed away a week ago from cancer at a very old age. She was suffering and her death was long-expected, so while it is very sad to see her go I and I think the rest of my family view it as a positive. I had the opportunity to speak to her the night prior to her passing and have talked to other family members throughout the days leading up to her death. So, personally, I don't need further closure. She is my dad's mother and that side of the family while drama-free, is very introverted and just not that close. While my grandma and I got along very well and I visited her a few times a year, we didn't have any real strong emotional bond or anything like that. I do have a cousin who lives out of the country who is not attending. My dad has indicated he'd like me there, but he's not pushing it or anything.

So, here's my dilemma: work is presently pretty crazy. I have to travel several hours tonight to attend an all-day mediation Friday and travel back on Saturday. I have a can't-miss work thing next Wednesday that I need to be back and prepped for. Accordingly, the only flight options for Sunday-Tuesday are pretty terrible and a red eye would be inevitable and work would pile up. Additionally, prices are insanely high (flight + hotel will cost me about 1k) and due to a recent trip in December and some dental work my wife and I don't have the money liquidated and would have to put it on credit or pull from emergency savings. I was currently trying to budget for a trip in the fall where I could stay a week and see more family without the rush. Lastly, the weather could mess everything up.

At this point I'm leaning towards not attending (and maybe sending flowers, calling in, etc.). Financially it would hurt my wife and me and flying essentially two days in a row with a red eye flight is awful. My wife is on board with whatever I decide but shares my same financial worries. So, given everything I'd rather not go. That said though I'm feeling pretty ####ty about not attending. This is my first death in the family as an adult. Is this something that is an automatic attend?

If your mom died would it bother you if your kid didnt show up?

 

[krista4]

You go.

 

[NutterButter]

If it was one of those irish funerals where its more of a party in the person's honor, that's one thing but the handful of funerals I've been to have been just terribly depressing.