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Family Christmas Dinner Expense Sharing Question for the FFA (1 Viewer)

Ralph Furley said:
Yes I get that, but I'm not looking for the monetary credit, and that's the basis of my annoyance, along with the obvious controlling aspect. Simply, contribute what you can to make this a great night...not over-manage and conclude with handing out a tab at the end of the night.  It's just stupid.
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It's stupid for you because you eat for free every year. 

 
You are a bigger man than me RF, I would  be losing it about right now and thanking them for ruining what should be a joyous holiday and turning it into a military planning operation with spreadsheets and such.

 This should’ve been a potluck dinner with parties agreeing on maybe splitting the cost on a ham or a bird and BYOB. End of story. 

Believe me. If you roll over on this, it will become expected from now on. I say throw a fit and make it so miserable, no person in their right mind would ever suggest doing this again. I know, I have a Big family and sisters who love to plan extravagant ideas and gifts.

 
Grahamburn said:
Sure, but I guess that's my point.  You seem to get off pretty easy every year.  It's nice that you can provide the wine, but others who are also contributing don't have the same luxury. 

Sounds to me like some members of the family have noticed this as well and are trying to come up with a fair solution.  The in law's suggestion to assign a value to your wine tells me exactly that.
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I have hosted the entire event many years, wife brings all kinds of food, cooks, cleans and helps out in-laws with groceries when not hosting.  I'm paying my fair she end more most years, and I'm happy to do it.  As I said, contribute what you can, just don't give me a bill.

best analogy I can give is this:  I am a 20% tipper 99.999% of the time, BUT if you tell me gratuity of 14,16 or 18% is included, that's what you get, not a $ more.  It's a principle thing.

 
Cjw_55106 said:
Now she wants to adjust for the amount people drink and dont drink? What about those that dont eat as much? 

I understand taking the high road. That said, you realize this will become annual if everyone just goes along with it, right? 
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Yeah...she's like a damn Subway...charging more for extra meat.

Is there going to be a scale at the end of the buffet line that one can weigh their plate/foood on?

 
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Ralph Furley said:
Yep.  Out of town sister in-law thought it would be a "good idea" to rent a home to celebrate, so we can all be together, at nobody's house! Keep in mind, this is not a destination holiday, the rental home is near everyone's real homes, genius.
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Oof. I can see doing it at a hotel or restaurant so that you have staff on hand to help and so that someone else cleans up. But just going and renting a house?

 
Thunderlips said:
Yeah...she's like a damn Subway...charging more for extra meat.

Is there going to be a scale at the end of the buffet line that one can weigh their plate/foood on?
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Bingo...this is my point.  What once was a thoughtful bring what you can, is now developing into a "pay-to-play XMAS" brilliant!

 
This might not be good advice but this is what I would do.

I would stay home. Wife and kids can stay home as well or if they feel they want to go then send them off with the 2 cases of wine. I would just say nope, I'm not going to anymore Christmas gatherings until control freak in charge is no longer dictating everything.  Who needs In laws anyway?

 
Ralph Furley said:
Wife is not pleased, kids are upset, 
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All schtick aside - try not and show your frustration or bad-mouth the family with the kids around. This isn't their battle to fight. For them it should be all about seeing their cousins and having fun.

 
Ralph Furley said:
Yep.  Out of town sister in-law thought it would be a "good idea" to rent a home to celebrate, so we can all be together, at nobody's house! Keep in mind, this is not a destination holiday, the rental home is near everyone's real homes, genius.
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As a former wine distributor/supplier I feel you on the wine.

Do you get an invoice (no $ just a list) when you pull the samples from the warehouse or are you bringing this wine from your personal stash?  Write in the value and use that.

Aside from the wine stuff.. this sounds like a cluster.  This is the type of thing I refuse.  I'd rather deal with the consequences than attend.

 
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Ralph Furley said:
I have hosted the entire event many years, wife brings all kinds of food, cooks, cleans and helps out in-laws with groceries when not hosting.  I'm paying my fair she end more most years, and I'm happy to do it.  As I said, contribute what you can, just don't give me a bill.

best analogy I can give is this:  I am a 20% tipper 99.999% of the time, BUT if you tell me gratuity of 14,16 or 18% is included, that's what you get, not a $ more.  It's a principle thing.
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I don't agree with the SIL plan, but I understand the perspective.  You made it sound like the wine contribution in the OP was pretty typical most years.  Super nice, and I would never complain, but there's no cost to you.

If you do your fair share of hosting, bring food, help with prep/clean up, and then also bring the wine you deserve to be annoyed with this setup.

 
Grahamburn said:
Sublimeone nailed it.  My guess is the wine is free for you.  You typically show up with a couple cases of wine and call it a night.   Keep in mind it's pretty expensive for everyone else to feed a bunch of people a super nice meal.  Preparation.  Clean up.  Etc. 
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Now I will make a couple assumptions having done what he does (sell wine).

The wine is his at no cost, but it certainly isn't free.  There isn't an endless amount of it at his disposal, and what he gives to the family he can't use to conduct business.

Every case he gives away could probably sell 10 more.  As in "hey buy 10 cases, get one free".

At least this was how it worked for me. 

And this leaves out all the other info that goes into the equation regarding his contributions.

 
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mr. furley said:
i want this to happen just to see how someone runs the math on portions  :lmao:
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I'd shoot her back a checklist of items for everyone to pick up at the start of the buffet.  Put check marks down for meat, potatoes, etc,, list all the sides.  Have different check boxes for small, medium, and large portions for each.  Same with beverages.  Include surcharges if there is punch and you use disposable cups (someone had to buy those).  Clutter the thing so badly it has to be printed on a legal size piece of paper.  Email the draft to her and suggest they be printed out for everyone to fill in as they go through the line.  Remind her to print extras for those who go through the line twice.

 
Grahamburn said:
I don't agree with the SIL plan, but I understand the perspective.  You made it sound like the wine contribution in the OP was pretty typical most years.  Super nice, and I would never complain, but there's no cost to you.

If you do your fair share of hosting, bring food, help with prep/clean up, and then also bring the wine you deserve to be annoyed with this setup.
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The wine does come at a cost, it's just difficult to calculate. Maybe it's a job perk, but to get that perk, he may be giving up a tiny bit of salary or vacation time or who knows what. 

I travel a lot for work and I get Marriott points. I occasionally give out a night at a Ritz as a gift. I pretty much get those points for "free" (but the cost actually is burden of travel on me and my family), but it's not like my gift doesn't have value.People accept a night's stay as a gift and usually give me/my family a gift - that cost cash - in return.

His wine really is not truly free.

 
I hate dealing with this kind of nonsense.  This is precisely why I keep my mouth shut during the holidays at the in-law's and just get ####faced.  My wife has a checkbook if need be.  

 
matuski said:
Now I will make a couple assumptions having done what he does (sell wine).

The wine is his at no cost, but it certainly isn't free.  There isn't an endless amount of it at his disposal, and what he gives to the family he can't use to conduct business.

Every case he gives away could probably sell 10 more.  As in "hey buy 10 cases, get one free".

At least this was how it worked for me. 

And this leaves out all the other info that goes into the equation regarding his contributions.
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Sure.  I get that it isn't "free," but he isn't dropping the $250 "value" on it like the family buying the meat for the meal is. 

Reading the OP I just got a picture (albeit incorrectly it appears) of him and his family showing up every year to a different family member's home with the wine, chowing down, and heading out. 

The SIL's diabolical plan to get everyone to contribute monetarily seemed like it might have been a direct jab at the bringer of spirits.  Especially after he relayed that she emailed him and offered to assign a value to the wine.

 
DIABOLICAL isn't a strong enough word if the sister in law (or whoever) is orchestrating this whole thing cause people are pissed about OP overvaluing his wine hookup. 

BTW, how many adults are we talking here? Sometimes getting 24 bottles of wine plus other booze? Maybe I do want to attend this ####show. 

 
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Grahamburn said:
Does the butcher own the butcher shop?
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Not sure. 

What if...aunt barb has a really messy #2 and clogs the toilet. Jamming the toilet bowl brush does nothing and the plunger doesn't fix it either. Paul, the cousin on his wife's-fathers side happens to be a plumber. He uses his knowledge as a master plumber and some supplies he happens to have in the caravan to fix the clog. Does Paul get a discount on the bill?

 
I think you're doing this wrong.  You should go completely overboard with this and have some fun.  I would create a complete expense, mileage, fuel cost, etc.and attach that to the cost of whatever you bring.  And then itemize out your family's meals.  So for your three kids you should have "child 1 - one dinner roll, one soda, six green beans, one slice of ham, etc." and just be COMPLETELY obnoxious with it just to show how far you can take it and then just act like "I don't understand the problem here, I thought this is what you wanted?  Did you not want me to itemize out the meal?" :)

 
I would bring 5 pre-plated meals for my family and call it a day. No need to be involved in any receipt exchanges. 

 
Grahamburn said:
Sure.  I get that it isn't "free," but he isn't dropping the $250 "value" on it like the family buying the meat for the meal is. 

Reading the OP I just got a picture (albeit incorrectly it appears) of him and his family showing up every year to a different family member's home with the wine, chowing down, and heading out. 

The SIL's diabolical plan to get everyone to contribute monetarily seemed like it might have been a direct jab at the bringer of spirits.  Especially after he relayed that she emailed him and offered to assign a value to the wine.
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Yes, to be clear, it is free to me, but not an endless supply.  I do this as a good gesture, because I can.  I can keep this for myself for wine at my home, but instead I choose to share.  And also, to be clear, this is not some convoluted scheme to get me to pay up.  The wine has always been an extra, not in lieu of food, or other stuff my family brings.  

It's the pettiness and controlling nature that pisses me off.

 
Sandeman said:
The wine does come at a cost, it's just difficult to calculate. Maybe it's a job perk, but to get that perk, he may be giving up a tiny bit of salary or vacation time or who knows what. 

I travel a lot for work and I get Marriott points. I occasionally give out a night at a Ritz as a gift. I pretty much get those points for "free" (but the cost actually is burden of travel on me and my family), but it's not like my gift doesn't have value.People accept a night's stay as a gift and usually give me/my family a gift - that cost cash - in return.

His wine really is not truly free.
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Exactly...it's a perk.  Perks are not free, because there are limits.

 
Ralph Furley said:
Yes, to be clear, it is free to me, but not an endless supply.  I do this as a good gesture, because I can.  I can keep this for myself for wine at my home, but instead I choose to share.  And also, to be clear, this is not some convoluted scheme to get me to pay up.  The wine has always been an extra, not in lieu of food, or other stuff my family brings.  

It's the pettiness and controlling nature that pisses me off.
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So this year, the two cases aren't available.  Join in on her fun!

 
Two ways to go about this to keep it fair. 

1) Bring a kitchen scale and weigh everyone's portions. Tell SIL you want people charged on a per oz basis for all food and drink consumed.  

2) Bring a bathroom scale. Everyone strips down to their birthday suit and weighs in as they arrive, and then they do the same at departure. The weight delta is used to calculate their total Bill. 

 
Ralph Furley said:
Yep.  Out of town sister in-law thought it would be a "good idea" to rent a home to celebrate, so we can all be together, at nobody's house! Keep in mind, this is not a destination holiday, the rental home is near everyone's real homes, genius.
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Sounds like your family is comprised of idiots. I would skip it.

 
Grahamburn said:
Sure.  I get that it isn't "free," but he isn't dropping the $250 "value" on it like the family buying the meat for the meal is. 

Reading the OP I just got a picture (albeit incorrectly it appears) of him and his family showing up every year to a different family member's home with the wine, chowing down, and heading out. 

The SIL's diabolical plan to get everyone to contribute monetarily seemed like it might have been a direct jab at the bringer of spirits.  Especially after he relayed that she emailed him and offered to assign a value to the wine.
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He said he brings wine with a value of $250-500.  I don't recall the exact number, but I'm guessing actual out of pocket costs for everyone is far less than $500 (the only thing that might come close if whoever is making the meat, and if they are doing something like prime rib).  Do you know how many pans of sweet potato soufle you can make for $500?  So what if the actual out of pocket cost is less, he's bring the value due to a perk from his job.  Alcohol in mass quantities to keep a party happy are expensive, salads and side dishes are not.

 
My SiL hosted a BBQ once. And with "hosting" the BBQ sent emails to everyone telling them what was required for them to bring. YES required.

So I go off the deep end, my wife calms me down.  

We always bring something to the parties but we usually HOST.  We never ask for a ####### thing.  Super cheap Sil one time was like I paid for the wine at your house the other day so, AND I said did you eat the FREE food?  Hilarity ensued.

Anyway so we were required to bring condiments, and something else, I think soda.

When we were leaving - I boxed up all the #### I brought and took it home :lmao:

What a ####....

 
Bull Dozier said:
He said he brings wine with a value of $250-500.  I don't recall the exact number, but I'm guessing actual out of pocket costs for everyone is far less than $500 (the only thing that might come close if whoever is making the meat, and if they are doing something like prime rib).  Do you know how many pans of sweet potato soufle you can make for $500?  So what if the actual out of pocket cost is less, he's bring the value due to a perk from his job.  Alcohol in mass quantities to keep a party happy are expensive, salads and side dishes are not.
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$500 would be super high for prime rib even if truly usda prime and bone in.  

We've gotten 7 rib roast prime for about $250 and that was when beef was stupid high.

Costco and Sams both hover around 13.49-13.99 for Prime bone-in.  I am budgeting about $185 this year for our party on the beef.  I didn't see a headcount on this but ours is 11 adults and I don't get the sense that this party is larger than that.

 
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