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Haven't golfed in 15 years, need some shtick (1 Viewer)

Doctor Detroit

Doctor Detroit

Please remove your headgear
Meeting some high school buddies for a best ball on Sunday in the greatest state in the union, or Michigan as they call it.

I haven't golfed since before 9/11, and I'm not afraid I'll be awful.

Any shtick I could employ here?  TIA :wub:

 
When you're lining up your 15 foot putt, stop and ask if they are really gonna make you putt that and not give it to you.

 
Tell'em you have a single digit handicap - then apologize profusely all round for what an unusually bad day you're having.  

ETA:  Knickers would be a nice touch, but at least wear a Hogan cap.  

 
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Show up in a football uniform, including pads and helmet, and say "ooohhhh, this is what golf is.  Sorry, I got mixed up."

 
As they're about to tee off, sneak up and wack them behind the knee as hard as you can with a 4 iron. 

 
Bring a bag of marshmallows and leave a few out in each fairway. The guys following you will drive up to each one thinking it's their ball.

 
Take the time to line up every putt as if you were putting for the Masters Championship. You will impress your group and the group behind you as well.

Make sure your phone is on. Have someone call you, preferably when your group is putting or teeing off, and talk really loud.

 
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When you hit high shots pretend your club is a shotgun and the ball is a clay pigeon.  Be sure to make the obnoxious sound effects. 

 
Bring a bag of these and pass them out on the first tee box and say something like "alright boys, have fun this weekend but remember to use protection."  

 
Before every shot ask something like the following.  Especially if you are lead off.

"Where do we want this, right side of the fairway?"

"You guys think I should hit a high cut 7, or draw an 8 in there"

Use the following words, smaight, smight, smeft - "MAN you smeft that thing"  (smoked left)

If you were playing your own ball out.  Any time someone smashes a ball down the fairway and then makes bogey or worse.

Just look at him as you are walking off the green and simply say "Nice Drive"

 
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Whatever you do, don't be the guy that undoes everyone's cart bag strap, so that when they are driving away from the tee box their bag falls onto the cart path. Hilarious!!!11

 
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Many many moons ago we had a foursome that involved eating pot brownies on the teebox of 1 and 9.  Then armed ourselves with airsoft pistols and you were fair game while teeing off. Lots of welts on calves and airsoft-induced shanked drives that day. Sometimes just the sound of the damn things cocking as you squared up was enough to cause a horrible mis-hit. 

I don't advise it. Well.. the brownies, maybe. 

 
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doowain said:
Whatever you do, don't be the guy that undoes everyone's cart bag strap, so that when they are driving away from the tee box their bag falls onto the cart path. Hilarious!!!11
Click to expand...
This dickbag has to buy the first two post-golf rounds in my book. 

 
doowain said:
Whatever you do, don't be the guy that undoes everyone's cart bag strap, so that when they are driving away from the tee box their bag falls onto the cart path. Hilarious!!!11
Click to expand...
This was funny when clubs were cheap, now that my clubs cost more than my car not so much

 
[icon] said:
Many many moons ago we had a foursome that involved eating pot brownies on the teebox of 1 and 9.  Then armed ourselves with airsoft pistols and you were fair game while teeing off. Lots of welts on calves and airsoft-induced shanked drives that day. 

I don't advise it. Well.. the brownies, maybe. 
Click to expand...
I've always said I'd watch golf if there were snipers.

 
Or - on a lower level.

Simply use a potato as a ball marker. This would be easy shtick to pull off and funny.  Try to keep a straight face about it. Tell them it was your grandfathers potato he used to win the UP Amateur Open in the 50s

 
Before you hit your first tee, stretch your back and complain how your back is sore. Then after the shot, grab your back and say you think you hurt it.  Every shot you miss, make a face and study the apparent flight of the ball and study why it went where it went. On missed putts stare at the hole and make constant curved path motions with your hand like you thought it was going to break on a different path..When you address every shot, verbally explain the situation: "downhill lie, slight wind at the back, hitting uphill to the green". Move the club away from the ball about 10 different times before you take a swing.  Enjoy the day. 

 
Make sure to use all the tired golf sayings, preferably at least one after every shot:

"What days does your husband play?"

"Never up, never in."

"Chip and a putt."

"Three shot hole."

"That's in the lumberyard, Danny."

 
Take a little flip notebook with you and pretend to refer to it and write notes down in the fairway but it was just tic tac toe games all long.

 
Go with a 3 club challenge... modify a over shoulder rifle holster/sling to carry your 3 clubs on your back at all times. Practice elaborate draws (samurai style)
 

 
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Set up your first tee shot all the way to the left.  After a couple of practice swings, pick it up and move it to the right on the tee box.  Same thing, a few swings, then move it to the middle.  After putting it there, turn around and ask the guys what they think.

 
get real drunk and convince your buddy he can get the cart through the little bridge that says No Carts and is clearly to small for a cart so he rams the cart full speed into a wooden post leaving a huge dent in said cart.  Tell the groundskeeper or golfmaster or whatever they're called that you have no idea how that could have gotten there

this may or may not lead to your yearly charity golf outing being relocated to another course where you may or may not have been asked to leave the clubhouse for drunk and rowdy behavior in the past (including but not limited to drunken girls making out in the clubhouse at like 2:00 on a Thursday afternoon)

 
This just in... If someone has to take a #### in a porta-####ter on the course, A golf cart is a very effective way to box them into the john. Also, those things are on skids and are easily pushed across fairways by said cart. Being inside them while this is going on is reportedly a traumatic experience due to the risk of overturning. 

Reactions from people on tee box while ####ter traverses fairway ahead of golf cart is also priceless. 

 
Step off the yardage from every sprinkler head or marker on every shot.  

Insist on playing from the blue tees.

 
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