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How did you turn your life around? (1 Viewer)

Al O'Pecia

Al O'Pecia

Footballguy
You were in a rut.  Either professionally or in your personal life.  You looked at yourself and thought, "How am I going to get out of this?"

At that moment you didn't believe in yourself -- either on a personal or a professional level.

But your survival instinct kicked in and said, "I have to do something.  Anything to right this ship before I sink into the abyss."

What did you do?  What advise could you give to others who may feel as much despair as you felt then.

 
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Small steps.  Work on one thing, then the next.  Try to remember that we only go round once, so why be miserable?  And have lots of sex.

 
For years I didn't realize it, but it turns out I'm pretty blessed. Not in the way that we are all blessed, but in the fact that I usually have an easy time seeing my blessings. That in itself, I have learned, is something not everyone has. No matter what happens, I always try to see the positive in it and most times, it does wonders for the psyche. 

As a last resort, i think of people who have a terrible lot in life whether they are abused and unloved or simply trying to find food to survive. It makes my "rut" seem not only stupid, but incredibly selfish and shallow. 

 
Got married at 23. My wife and I have been together since we were 19, but getting married, settled me down and slowly  got me away from a crowd of people that would have ultimately dragged me down. 

 
Brownsfan said:
I quit drinking alcohol
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I can't say that alcohol is the cause of my dissatisfaction, but I know it doesn't help.  I stopped drinking about a week ago, and I feel better.  More motivated and more willing to accept the personal discomfort which is a natural signal to better myself than to drown that natural signal in alcohol.

Glad to hear you made a change for the better.

 
Al O'Pecia said:
At that moment you didn't believe in yourself -- either on a personal or a professional level.
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This would be the first thing that needs to change. You won't get out of the rut if you don't believe in yourself. Don't underestimate the brain and having a positive mentality.

 
Ministry of Pain said:
Enrolled at the Univ of Miami at age 35 and got a degree in Psychology, lots of fun. 
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No offense, but isn't that a major for early twenties chicks?

You seem to like to communicate and try to understand why others think differently than you so maybe you gravitated toward a career that better suited your nature.

 
Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shooting some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started making trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air'

I begged and pleaded with her day after day
But she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way
She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket.
I put my Walkman on and said, 'I might as well kick it'.

First class, yo this is bad
Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass.
Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like?
Hmm this might be alright.

But wait I hear they're prissy, bourgeois, all that
Is this the type of place that they just send this cool cat?
I don't think so
I'll see when I get there
I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air

Well, the plane landed and when I came out
There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out
I ain't trying to get arrested yet
I just got here
I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I could say that this cab was rare
But I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, home to Bel-Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo home smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air

 
fantasycurse42 said:
This would be the first thing that needs to change. You won't get out of the rut if you don't believe in yourself. Don't underestimate the brain and having a positive mentality.
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No doubt.  Confidence is the most important quality.  But I view confidence like I view any other trait.  There's a bell curve along natural lines.  You can change your natural predisposition a little via lifestyle, but it's more difficult to get away from low self-esteem if you don't have a predisposition toward natural confidence.

 
Find something that inspires you. Go to the Ted Talks website and browse through hundreds of videos of inspiring people that do inspiring things. Out of all those videos there must be some that "title alone" interest you, with the upside that some (or a few) put a hook in you or at least points you in the right direction. The notion that you turn out like the company you surround yourself with could also pertain to what you pay attention to. There's a lot to like and/or or get inspired by in that website.

 
Dear N., 

I am sorry you are so miserable. "Depression'" means literally "being forced downwards." This can happen even when you don't consciously have any feeling at all of being "on top"! So I wouldn't dismiss this hypothesis out of hand. 

If I had to live in a foreign country, I would seek out one or two people who seemed amiable and would make myself useful to them, so that libido came to me from outside, even though in a somewhat primitive form, say of a dog wagging its tail. 

I would raise animals and plants and find joy in their thriving. I would surround myself with beauty - no matter how primitive and artless - objects, colours, sounds. I would eat and drink well. 

When the darkness grows denser, I would penetrate to its very core and ground, and would not rest until amid the pain a light appeared to me, for in excessu affectus [in an excess of affect or passion] Nature reverses herself. 

I would turn in rage against myself and with the heat of my rage I would melt my lead. I would renounce everything and engage in the lowest activities should my depression drive me to violence. I would wrestle with the dark angel until he dislocated my hip. For he is also the light and the blue sky which he withholds from me. 

Anyway that is what I would do. What others would do is another question, which I cannot answer. But for you too there is an instinct either to back out of it or to go down to the depths. But no half-measures or half-heartedness. 

A letter by C. G. Jung written on 9 March 1959, C.G. Jung, Letters, p. 492-493
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I found this pretty inspirational and simple advice.

But what cjw_55106 posted above is very true. Mindset is key, and the one thing you can always control, though not always easily.

 
Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know people who have pretty much everything and they can't see it. All they see is what little they don't have and it makes them miserable. I think back to times in my life when I was down on myself and I think now what the hell was I down on myself for?

 
fantasycurse42 said:
This would be the first thing that needs to change. You won't get out of the rut if you don't believe in yourself. Don't underestimate the brain and having a positive mentality.
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Absolutely key. I was in a work rut recently. Long story short, got an opportunity to do something else at my company and jumped all over it practically with my hair on fire. I feel reborn in terms of energy and drive to get work done. Not that meeting deadlines was ever a problem, but I'd simply meet deadlines in my past role that I got sick of rather quickly just to meet expectations because the work stunk. Now I have the drive back I've always had to kick butt where and when possible. Change of scenes, even if lateral (which my move was) can be a true game changer.

 
Good question - in quite the rut myself professionally.  I've been with my company for 10 years.  But there is nowhere else to move and a downturn in business and my pay (heavy bonuses).  I have a great business idea in an area that I'd be passionate about, enough money saved to sustain myself for 2-3 years to give it a try but can't find the balls to just go for it.  On one hand it would be amazing working for myself and doing something I'd be passionate about, owning my own business.  On the other, the current job, while monotonous, is easy security for me - pays good benefits, contributes to my 401k, etc.  

I'm waiting for that something to turn things around before it's too late and I regret it forever, but scared to death to take the leap.

 
Al O'Pecia said:
You were in a rut.  Either professionally or in your personal life.  You looked at yourself and thought, "How am I going to get out of this?"

At that moment you didn't believe in yourself -- either on a personal or a professional level.

But your survival instinct kicked in and said, "I have to do something.  Anything to right this ship before I sink into the abyss."

What did you do?  What advise could you give to others who may feel as much despair as you felt then.
Click to expand...
My entire life has been "How am I going to get out of this?".  How I did it was copy what I saw successful people doing.  I never accepted my lot in life and refused to accept failure - even when I failed repeatedly.  I've come to this conclusion - if you work long enough toward something, you'll get it.  The first rule of success is if you fall down, you get back up.  There is no second rule.

 
higgins said:
Find something that inspires you. Go to the Ted Talks website and browse through hundreds of videos of inspiring people that do inspiring things. Out of all those videos there must be some that "title alone" interest you, with the upside that some (or a few) put a hook in you or at least points you in the right direction. The notion that you turn out like the company you surround yourself with could also pertain to what you pay attention to. There's a lot to like and/or or get inspired by in that website.
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I know what inspires me, but I'm not sure how to get into the field of Asian porn.

You're right, but how to monetize an interest is the obstacle.  Especially if getting started in that field requires a big cut in salary or a lot of free time in post-work hours that you don't have due to family constraints.  I get that you just have to bite the bullet and will it to happen, but Obama was right when he said it took hard work and luck.

I recently read a post from a commenter named rabidweaslefire (I probably have that wrong) that I found really inspiring along those lines.  He basically said that to make it as an artist many of his compatriots were  eating Ramen noodle dinners, but it was in the name of pursuing what their inspiration.

 
cstu said:
My entire life has been "How am I going to get out of this?".  How I did it was copy what I saw successful people doing.  I never accepted my lot in life and refused to accept failure - even when I failed repeatedly.  I've come to this conclusion - if you work long enough toward something, you'll get it.  The first rule of success is if you fall down, you get back up.  There is no second rule.
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Yep, this. I figure, work as hard and smart (working long hours inefficiently =! working effectively) as possible, and that's all I can do. The chips fall where they fall at that point.

 
Learned how to set and enforce boundaries.  I let my wife trample over them repeatedly.  Once I started figuring out how to do it in a healthy manner, things drastically improved.  Don't get me wrong: She didn't like the 'new me' so we're divorced, so the marriage didn't get better.  My life, though?  Much better.

 
Perspective and a healthy bit of fear/shame honestly. Perspective in that, compared to most people around the world right now, and compared to virtually everyone in any previous time in human history, I'm ridiculously blessed and comfortable. 

Fear/shame - I was raised with a very high view of self-determination. Laziness was considered more unacceptable than failure. When I'm coasting a little deep ingrained voice nags at me telling me I can and should do better. Fear that I'll realize later that I missed opportunity. 

 
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Do something.  Act.  Move.  I went through a bad time in my 20s and eventually found that doing anything helped.

Clean.  Shoot hoops.  Take a walk.  Call a friend.  Go see a movie.  Find something you like or that needs doing, and do it.  For me it didn't matter what it was -- once I moved I broke the spell for that day.  String enough OK days together and you start to feel better and it's easier to think about the bigger picture stuff.  I really don't know if that would work for everyone, but it helped me quite a bit.

 
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I've found it helps to focus on others rather than myself.  I've said this many times in here, but my son saved my life.

 
Al O'Pecia said:
I can't say that alcohol is the cause of my dissatisfaction, but I know it doesn't help.  I stopped drinking about a week ago, and I feel better.  More motivated and more willing to accept the personal discomfort which is a natural signal to better myself than to drown that natural signal in alcohol.

Glad to hear you made a change for the better.
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Does this mean that you were an alcoholic?  If so, what is your plan to remain booze free?  

 
I was at a pay phone in NC in a tee shirt, it was snowing, didnt have a winter coat moved there from PA a year before.  Was broke didn't have a job and called my mom and told her I failed, broke and was coming home, while crying.  She asked me what I needed.  She ended up sending me one rack and a leather jacket.  Got the job I have had for 20 years a few months later, still in NC.  It was hard asking for help at 26 but she believed in me and I owe my success to her.  GB mom, RIP.

 
i began following the path of the brohan after some stuff that was prety rough to get through yeah i got some deamons but i am keeping them down the thing is to live and let live and appreciate what you have and not be mad about what you do not and to enjoy how everyone is different and realize that no matter how much someone is not like you they will probably still appreciate simple kindness so basically that is the path of the brohan and when you take that path you know damn well where it takes you and that my friends is straight to the bank 

 
McGarnicle said:
Haha, yeah. Wait, what?
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Old poster claimed he saw ghosts.  Unrelated, he had a crappy marriage. His solution was frisbee golf, including building his own course.  Wife left him, but he's happy being haunted and chucking frisbees, I guess.

 
Al O'Pecia said:
I know what inspires me, but I'm not sure how to get into the field of Asian porn.
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It turns out they are hiring! (GQ Article, SFW)

At 35, Shimiken is the king of Japanese porn, a $20 billion industry that produces more than double the number of adult films that America does. The only problem: He's part of an endangered species—1 of only 70 (maybe just 30, by some estimates) male actors in a business that churns out thousands of videos a year—and while he keeps coming, the reinforcements don't. Why won't anybody help this guy out, for ####'s sake?
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-fish- said:
Old poster claimed he saw ghosts.  Unrelated, he had a crappy marriage. His solution was frisbee golf, including building his own course.  Wife left him, but he's happy being haunted and chucking frisbees, I guess.
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Buying a big plot and designing a course is the ultimate dream. I've actually been brainstorming ways to get it done.

 
bosoxs45 said:
I started doing things that interested me. Drumming lessons? Sure, why not.
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That's a good point too.

Find some hobbies Al. They can enrich your life. My better half and I had a rough go of things early in our relationship years ago with her kind of being an emotional mess too often because I was involved in so many things and she wasn't.  She started taking tennis lessons, cooking lessons, we started traveling, she sees a personal trainer, we play racquetball together at the gym.  4 years later, and she is a completely different woman. 

Although I'm in a professional rut, I take chess lessons and play in tournaments, I play piano in a band and started my own piano improv twitch channel, I play in a Pickleball league at the gym and see a personal trainer twice a week.  I started playing guitar 18 months ago, etc etc and on and on. I can't get enough of doing stuff and participating in hobbies I'd always wanted to

These things enrich your life, give you something to wake up and look forward to and relieve a lot of stress, pressure than put people in ruts.

That'd be my best recommendation.  Go take an anything lesson - chess, guitar, piano, working out, tennis, sky diving, trying to run a 5k and then a 10k and then a half marathon, whatever...anything you've always thought about but never grabbed your nuts and done. It's a huge element of happiness imo

 
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Northern Voice said:
I stopped being afraid of failing, I guess  :shrug:  
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This is where I'm at... I think.

I'm a giant ####.  My fear of failing has always crippled me.  Now I'm finally at the point of saying, "#### it.  What do I have to lose?"

Wish I got here earlier.  Not giving a #### about failing is quite liberating.

 
I was at about as rock bottom as you can get around 30 years ago. Broke and homeless. As I started to get my #### together, I met my wife who has been the biggest influence in my life and a year later my best friend was killed in a car accident. I didn't realize it until years later but that was the moment I stopped taking this gift of life for granted. I went from not caring about anything to living in the moment but actually looking forward to tomorrow.

 
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