I'm an alcoholic AMA (1 Viewer)

[strykerpks]

there are so many phases of an interesting life. Childhood and your teenage years those phases come fast and you don't get a choice. Later in life they come slower and usually only when you go after them. Sometimes though you get forced into making those changes for health reasons or work or family or who knows what, and it's scary at first because you got used to how you were and changing feels scary

This phase of your life was not constructive, and it almost cost you your job. But you are a good person and they liked you enough to give you the benefit of the doubt. You are absolutely not the only person to over indulge in alcohol in their middle age especially during covid. And they're giving you a second chance that a lot of people don't get.

It's scary changing. Sometimes you think that it will be hard to enjoy things without alcohol or drugs. That's the addiction talking. Alcohol didn't make your day better, you just got used to some really destructive behavior and dealing with it seems hard. It is hard, for sure, but doing things sober means... remembering them... not making an ### of yourself... not being afraid to get caught... having a chance to try things you otherwise wouldn't... keeping your self and people arouns you safer... especially if you ever drove drunk... saving so much money... and having time for things you just plain didn't do while you were drinking...

You aren't giving up alcohol, you're gaining hours of your day that you used to spend drunk. You can get in shape, learn new things, advance your career, clean the house and fix that squeaky stair, do all the things you put off night after night and weekend after weekend because you were drinking. And rebuild some relationships that might have been strained along the way.

Alcoholism can sneak up on you and punch you hard in the gut. This is a much better wake up call than a lot of people get. You have some cool stuff to look forward to once you get past the very difficult beginning and ten days is an awesome start but it's just a start.

Use this place. Your real life friends know you as the fun drinking guy (or maybe the annoying drunk guy or the talkative fun guy who secretly has been drunk since breakfast). It will feel tempting to life up to their real or imagined expectations of you. Don't. Stryker 2.0 is an awesome dude and you can be you and the real ones will love you. But that takes time and may involve the AA step of making amends. You might not even know what you have done to upset your friends and family. That's tough and takes time.

But here, brother, we love you and want what is best for you and you haven't done anything wrong to me. You have long term friends here who love you and want the best for you and who you've never hurt, nor do we have any ulterior motives.

Does your day seem boring now that you're sober? Tell us about your boring day. Do you want to chat with someone but not sure how to start? Bump gmtan and we'll talk about something random. Do you need someone to talk to urgently to avoid a relapse but can't find your sponsor? Bump this thread and @ some close friends. I can't promise I'm always on but there are a lot of us and we are almost all aware of how difficult this is either personally or because someone close to us have been through it and there are some good people here. Including you.

Love you gb and proud of you for not only fixing your #### but being brave enough to share it here.

I'm 4 years into this journey. I like to come back to this thread every once in a while to remind me that everyday strangers are rooting for me. That may not mean anything to your average everyday stranger, but it means the world to someone in recovery. I should update more than I do but life happens, right? This post from @bostonfred in particular has been one that I printed out and kept with me. This resonates so hard.

I wish I could say that the 4 years has been easy and I've never had a drop of alcohol. I have slipped. A few times. But those times have been further and further apart. We have a saying "If you're driving from NY to LA and break down in Chicago, you don't go back to NY. You fix it in Chicago and keep moving on."

So, today I'm 4 years sober...ish. My average day does not include alcohol so I consider that a win. If I had to put a number to it I'm knocking on 800 days. Is that good? Probably not enough

You can’t change your past, you can only change your future. Sounds like you’re doing a great job of making that choice every day/hour/minute.

Great to hear that you’ve given yourself grace and worked towards recovery at every slip up rather than being discouraged and giving up. You should be proud of the work you’ve put in.

I'm totally proud of where I'm at from 5 years ago. It's one of those "If I could just talk to myself" situations. My wife on the other hand is not very happy with my "slips" But I totally get it....trust is where you have to rebuild yourself. It's not just the drinking. It's the trust that you (I) have totally destroyed. In the long run quitting booze is easy. Re-establishing trust is what matters and what is the hardest.

Trust is gained by the gallon and lost by the drop.

That's the rub. I have a moment of weakness and still have to tell my wife that I'm not perfect.

Glad to hear from you and glad you are doing well!

I hope this question isn't insensitive (please ignore if it it or if you'd prefer to not answer it) but what is a "slip" to you? I ask because I used to work in recovery courts and this was always a point of argument in terms of what constituted a "slip" and whether such a slip is best addressed punitively.

I'm an open book here in this thread so there's nothing you can ask that I'd be hesitant to answer. I think my group sessions in SMART Recovery really handle this thing well. Go back to my NY to LA analogy (metaphor? I'm not smart)

For me, a "slip" is a day, maybe 2, of drinking. What that looks like in my world is, my wife and kids are out of town. I have an opportunity to get stupid. I'll hit the Kwik Trip and pay cash because my wife can't see that. That's probably a bottle of Captain Morgan and a bottle of Fireball. The Captain is for sipping/mixing and the Fireball is for a quick fix. Both will be gone by bedtime.

A "relapse" for me is more of "I'm gonna get nuts for a few days. I'm gonna drink at work and hope no one notices" Luckily I have not had one of those days since I started.

It's a slippery slope defining a "slip" vs a "relapse". I think most alcoholics can delineate between the two but for a lawyer, it may be a bit more difficult. Set the bar at 2 days. Anything more is a relapse.

You mean "for a judge"?

FWIW, when I had a client pop one positive followed by a bunch of negatives (meaning he slipped for one day) I'd argue something similar to what you described here and that a "slip" is a natural part of recovery and the person shouldn't be jailed for it.

I'm so sorry your honor. ****

I really wish that lapses were not a part of recovery. Unfortunately they are. It's certainly not something your wife will accept on face value but it's part of something you're trying to build. I hated telling her that I disappointed her yet again. And it took several lapses for her to "get" it. For her to "get" it is just loser talk. I'm her husband, for better or for worse. The "worse" is right there in front of you. I can't fault her for that and I give her all the credit in the world for sticking with me

 

[snellman]

FWIW I started this thread to help people. If you have any questions please feel free to post. Or DM. I get it

I will second this.

 

[UltraUltras]

TLDR See title. I'm vulnerable right now and really trying to get #### right. You'll see below but maybe I just need some strangers help?

I'll try to answer any questions but please forgive me if I miss one, or two, or six.

My first sip of anything was probably in 1983 at 5 years old. I asked my old man why Pabst was what he drank during the Packer game (had I known Packers 80s I may have been a drinker back then). I hated it. 15 years later I'm hammering beers with my boys in the woods. Otherwise my first "beer" was at 13

Long story short, myself and my alias have the most posts in the drunk thread. That was simple weekend drinking, maybe a softball night after 30 pitchers. Then I started drinking at work. A local establishment has great burgers so I would go and have a few drinks for lunch. I know the owner and then he was buying them for me. Then the liquor store down the road had some good deals so I would bring it back to my office. A few cocktails at lunch. Then a few cocktails at my desk. Then straight booze all over. This was not good. But hey, I can hide it, right?

A month ago the VP came to my office and said "Open your door. There's no Covid. It's safe". I disagreed with him, likely slurring. But I told him that he was wrong. We had a fight. I told him he was full of #### and that the corporate response to Covid was incorrect. They have since changed the policy based on my recommendations but that will never see the light of day.

The following day I had already had my 2nd drink of the day in my office at 9:30am I was called into his office.

President, VP, HR and my boss essentially told me to GTFO. I was told it was a fireable offense but after 21 years I got the benefit of the doubt. Get into rehab, FLMA, etc or be fired.

So here I am. 10 days into rehab. I'm on a number of different drugs (lexapro, gabapentin, metropolol, naltrexone). I don't know what to end with. We'll see

man, i respect you for putting this out there. that’s not easy, especially when you’re right in the middle of it. ten days into rehab is already more than a lot of people ever get to - you’re actually doing the hard part right now.

it’s gonna suck some days, and you’ll probably question if it’s worth it, but it is. you’ve got 21 years at that job behind you, which says you can stick with something long term - use that same stubbornness here.

one day at a time. keep showing up. you’ve got people rooting for you, even if you don’t know us.

 

[JohnnyU]

I had to quit overendulging last August because of the medicines I take. I loved my bourbon too. I got to the point that drinking was making me sick because of the medicines interactions, so I quit. I have the occasional beer when eating out, or margarita with a mexican dinner, but I haven't had more than one in a day in a year and 99% of the time I don't drink anything. Now keep in mind I had been drinking bourbon more than I should (slightly less than half a fifth) at least once a week my entire adult life. Sometimes twice a week. The strange thing is, I had no problem quitting. I never thought that was possible and I don't think about it really. The one habit I haven't been able to kick is smoking cigars. I know they will kill me eventually.

 

[Major]

there are so many phases of an interesting life. Childhood and your teenage years those phases come fast and you don't get a choice. Later in life they come slower and usually only when you go after them. Sometimes though you get forced into making those changes for health reasons or work or family or who knows what, and it's scary at first because you got used to how you were and changing feels scary

This phase of your life was not constructive, and it almost cost you your job. But you are a good person and they liked you enough to give you the benefit of the doubt. You are absolutely not the only person to over indulge in alcohol in their middle age especially during covid. And they're giving you a second chance that a lot of people don't get.

It's scary changing. Sometimes you think that it will be hard to enjoy things without alcohol or drugs. That's the addiction talking. Alcohol didn't make your day better, you just got used to some really destructive behavior and dealing with it seems hard. It is hard, for sure, but doing things sober means... remembering them... not making an ### of yourself... not being afraid to get caught... having a chance to try things you otherwise wouldn't... keeping your self and people arouns you safer... especially if you ever drove drunk... saving so much money... and having time for things you just plain didn't do while you were drinking...

You aren't giving up alcohol, you're gaining hours of your day that you used to spend drunk. You can get in shape, learn new things, advance your career, clean the house and fix that squeaky stair, do all the things you put off night after night and weekend after weekend because you were drinking. And rebuild some relationships that might have been strained along the way.

Alcoholism can sneak up on you and punch you hard in the gut. This is a much better wake up call than a lot of people get. You have some cool stuff to look forward to once you get past the very difficult beginning and ten days is an awesome start but it's just a start.

Use this place. Your real life friends know you as the fun drinking guy (or maybe the annoying drunk guy or the talkative fun guy who secretly has been drunk since breakfast). It will feel tempting to life up to their real or imagined expectations of you. Don't. Stryker 2.0 is an awesome dude and you can be you and the real ones will love you. But that takes time and may involve the AA step of making amends. You might not even know what you have done to upset your friends and family. That's tough and takes time.

But here, brother, we love you and want what is best for you and you haven't done anything wrong to me. You have long term friends here who love you and want the best for you and who you've never hurt, nor do we have any ulterior motives.

Does your day seem boring now that you're sober? Tell us about your boring day. Do you want to chat with someone but not sure how to start? Bump gmtan and we'll talk about something random. Do you need someone to talk to urgently to avoid a relapse but can't find your sponsor? Bump this thread and @ some close friends. I can't promise I'm always on but there are a lot of us and we are almost all aware of how difficult this is either personally or because someone close to us have been through it and there are some good people here. Including you.

Love you gb and proud of you for not only fixing your #### but being brave enough to share it here.

I'm 4 years into this journey. I like to come back to this thread every once in a while to remind me that everyday strangers are rooting for me. That may not mean anything to your average everyday stranger, but it means the world to someone in recovery. I should update more than I do but life happens, right? This post from @bostonfred in particular has been one that I printed out and kept with me. This resonates so hard.

I wish I could say that the 4 years has been easy and I've never had a drop of alcohol. I have slipped. A few times. But those times have been further and further apart. We have a saying "If you're driving from NY to LA and break down in Chicago, you don't go back to NY. You fix it in Chicago and keep moving on." That's the recovery model I can get with. AA says go back to NY. I'll leave that FWIW

So, today I'm 4 years sober...ish. My average day does not include alcohol so I consider that a win. If I had to put a number to it I'm knocking on 800 days. Is that good? Probably not enough

That's great to hear Stryker. Also really glad you bumped the thread. That post by @bostonfred will be pinned in my mind. Excellent words and a friendly reminder for all of us in this battle to keep up the good fight

 

[Mister CIA]

Checks notes. 19 months since I last sipped alcohol. It feels good. Real good.

 

[SWC]

closing in on six years take that to the bank brosobers

 

[Frostillicus]

there are so many phases of an interesting life. Childhood and your teenage years those phases come fast and you don't get a choice. Later in life they come slower and usually only when you go after them. Sometimes though you get forced into making those changes for health reasons or work or family or who knows what, and it's scary at first because you got used to how you were and changing feels scary

This phase of your life was not constructive, and it almost cost you your job. But you are a good person and they liked you enough to give you the benefit of the doubt. You are absolutely not the only person to over indulge in alcohol in their middle age especially during covid. And they're giving you a second chance that a lot of people don't get.

It's scary changing. Sometimes you think that it will be hard to enjoy things without alcohol or drugs. That's the addiction talking. Alcohol didn't make your day better, you just got used to some really destructive behavior and dealing with it seems hard. It is hard, for sure, but doing things sober means... remembering them... not making an ### of yourself... not being afraid to get caught... having a chance to try things you otherwise wouldn't... keeping your self and people arouns you safer... especially if you ever drove drunk... saving so much money... and having time for things you just plain didn't do while you were drinking...

You aren't giving up alcohol, you're gaining hours of your day that you used to spend drunk. You can get in shape, learn new things, advance your career, clean the house and fix that squeaky stair, do all the things you put off night after night and weekend after weekend because you were drinking. And rebuild some relationships that might have been strained along the way.

Alcoholism can sneak up on you and punch you hard in the gut. This is a much better wake up call than a lot of people get. You have some cool stuff to look forward to once you get past the very difficult beginning and ten days is an awesome start but it's just a start.

Use this place. Your real life friends know you as the fun drinking guy (or maybe the annoying drunk guy or the talkative fun guy who secretly has been drunk since breakfast). It will feel tempting to life up to their real or imagined expectations of you. Don't. Stryker 2.0 is an awesome dude and you can be you and the real ones will love you. But that takes time and may involve the AA step of making amends. You might not even know what you have done to upset your friends and family. That's tough and takes time.

But here, brother, we love you and want what is best for you and you haven't done anything wrong to me. You have long term friends here who love you and want the best for you and who you've never hurt, nor do we have any ulterior motives.

Does your day seem boring now that you're sober? Tell us about your boring day. Do you want to chat with someone but not sure how to start? Bump gmtan and we'll talk about something random. Do you need someone to talk to urgently to avoid a relapse but can't find your sponsor? Bump this thread and @ some close friends. I can't promise I'm always on but there are a lot of us and we are almost all aware of how difficult this is either personally or because someone close to us have been through it and there are some good people here. Including you.

Love you gb and proud of you for not only fixing your #### but being brave enough to share it here.

I'm 4 years into this journey. I like to come back to this thread every once in a while to remind me that everyday strangers are rooting for me. That may not mean anything to your average everyday stranger, but it means the world to someone in recovery. I should update more than I do but life happens, right? This post from @bostonfred in particular has been one that I printed out and kept with me. This resonates so hard.

I wish I could say that the 4 years has been easy and I've never had a drop of alcohol. I have slipped. A few times. But those times have been further and further apart. We have a saying "If you're driving from NY to LA and break down in Chicago, you don't go back to NY. You fix it in Chicago and keep moving on."

So, today I'm 4 years sober...ish. My average day does not include alcohol so I consider that a win. If I had to put a number to it I'm knocking on 800 days. Is that good? Probably not enough

You can’t change your past, you can only change your future. Sounds like you’re doing a great job of making that choice every day/hour/minute.

Great to hear that you’ve given yourself grace and worked towards recovery at every slip up rather than being discouraged and giving up. You should be proud of the work you’ve put in.

I'm totally proud of where I'm at from 5 years ago. It's one of those "If I could just talk to myself" situations. My wife on the other hand is not very happy with my "slips" But I totally get it....trust is where you have to rebuild yourself. It's not just the drinking. It's the trust that you (I) have totally destroyed. In the long run quitting booze is easy. Re-establishing trust is what matters and what is the hardest.

Trust is gained by the gallon and lost by the drop.

That's the rub. I have a moment of weakness and still have to tell my wife that I'm not perfect.

Glad to hear from you and glad you are doing well!

I hope this question isn't insensitive (please ignore if it it or if you'd prefer to not answer it) but what is a "slip" to you? I ask because I used to work in recovery courts and this was always a point of argument in terms of what constituted a "slip" and whether such a slip is best addressed punitively.

I'm an open book here in this thread so there's nothing you can ask that I'd be hesitant to answer. I think my group sessions in SMART Recovery really handle this thing well. Go back to my NY to LA analogy (metaphor? I'm not smart)

For me, a "slip" is a day, maybe 2, of drinking. What that looks like in my world is, my wife and kids are out of town. I have an opportunity to get stupid. I'll hit the Kwik Trip and pay cash because my wife can't see that. That's probably a bottle of Captain Morgan and a bottle of Fireball. The Captain is for sipping/mixing and the Fireball is for a quick fix. Both will be gone by bedtime.

A "relapse" for me is more of "I'm gonna get nuts for a few days. I'm gonna drink at work and hope no one notices" Luckily I have not had one of those days since I started.

It's a slippery slope defining a "slip" vs a "relapse". I think most alcoholics can delineate between the two but for a lawyer, it may be a bit more difficult. Set the bar at 2 days. Anything more is a relapse.

You mean "for a judge"?

FWIW, when I had a client pop one positive followed by a bunch of negatives (meaning he slipped for one day) I'd argue something similar to what you described here and that a "slip" is a natural part of recovery and the person shouldn't be jailed for it.

I disagree. I definitely think @strykerpks belongs in jail.

 

[Manster]

Turning 50 this year. Recently ran thru an audit of my life, and realized I’ve done A LOT of stupid/dangerous/embarrassing **** while binge drinking.

I’ve got more to say about all this….maybe another time.

Thanks for the thread Stryker. Hope you are doing well.

 

[Dan Lambskin]

Turning 50 this year. Recently ran thru an audit of my life, and realized I’ve done A LOT of stupid/dangerous/embarrassing **** while binge drinking.

I’ve got more to say about all this….maybe another time.

Thanks for the thread Stryker. Hope you are doing well.

Yeah. That’s always been my issue, handful of binge nights a year putting me in some pretty embarrassing situations

Wife was getting fed up that I’m in my 40s and still getting blackout drunk on occasion

I still drink regularly but rarely to that extent anymore, I’d say I’m a couple years with no incidents now

 

[bostonfred]

there are so many phases of an interesting life. Childhood and your teenage years those phases come fast and you don't get a choice. Later in life they come slower and usually only when you go after them. Sometimes though you get forced into making those changes for health reasons or work or family or who knows what, and it's scary at first because you got used to how you were and changing feels scary

This phase of your life was not constructive, and it almost cost you your job. But you are a good person and they liked you enough to give you the benefit of the doubt. You are absolutely not the only person to over indulge in alcohol in their middle age especially during covid. And they're giving you a second chance that a lot of people don't get.

It's scary changing. Sometimes you think that it will be hard to enjoy things without alcohol or drugs. That's the addiction talking. Alcohol didn't make your day better, you just got used to some really destructive behavior and dealing with it seems hard. It is hard, for sure, but doing things sober means... remembering them... not making an ### of yourself... not being afraid to get caught... having a chance to try things you otherwise wouldn't... keeping your self and people arouns you safer... especially if you ever drove drunk... saving so much money... and having time for things you just plain didn't do while you were drinking...

You aren't giving up alcohol, you're gaining hours of your day that you used to spend drunk. You can get in shape, learn new things, advance your career, clean the house and fix that squeaky stair, do all the things you put off night after night and weekend after weekend because you were drinking. And rebuild some relationships that might have been strained along the way.

Alcoholism can sneak up on you and punch you hard in the gut. This is a much better wake up call than a lot of people get. You have some cool stuff to look forward to once you get past the very difficult beginning and ten days is an awesome start but it's just a start.

Use this place. Your real life friends know you as the fun drinking guy (or maybe the annoying drunk guy or the talkative fun guy who secretly has been drunk since breakfast). It will feel tempting to life up to their real or imagined expectations of you. Don't. Stryker 2.0 is an awesome dude and you can be you and the real ones will love you. But that takes time and may involve the AA step of making amends. You might not even know what you have done to upset your friends and family. That's tough and takes time.

But here, brother, we love you and want what is best for you and you haven't done anything wrong to me. You have long term friends here who love you and want the best for you and who you've never hurt, nor do we have any ulterior motives.

Does your day seem boring now that you're sober? Tell us about your boring day. Do you want to chat with someone but not sure how to start? Bump gmtan and we'll talk about something random. Do you need someone to talk to urgently to avoid a relapse but can't find your sponsor? Bump this thread and @ some close friends. I can't promise I'm always on but there are a lot of us and we are almost all aware of how difficult this is either personally or because someone close to us have been through it and there are some good people here. Including you.

Love you gb and proud of you for not only fixing your #### but being brave enough to share it here.

I'm 4 years into this journey. I like to come back to this thread every once in a while to remind me that everyday strangers are rooting for me. That may not mean anything to your average everyday stranger, but it means the world to someone in recovery. I should update more than I do but life happens, right? This post from @bostonfred in particular has been one that I printed out and kept with me. This resonates so hard.

I wish I could say that the 4 years has been easy and I've never had a drop of alcohol. I have slipped. A few times. But those times have been further and further apart. We have a saying "If you're driving from NY to LA and break down in Chicago, you don't go back to NY. You fix it in Chicago and keep moving on." That's the recovery model I can get with. AA says go back to NY. I'll leave that FWIW

So, today I'm 4 years sober...ish. My average day does not include alcohol so I consider that a win. If I had to put a number to it I'm knocking on 800 days. Is that good? Probably not enough

That's one of the best things I've ever heard. Probably the best one from an adult male.