Kid I babysit: "Mom didn't want me" (1 Viewer)

[MikeIke]

So I'm looking for advice on a situation I find rather disturbing. We babysit an 8 year old boy who is my boys' best friend. We watch him after school until his mom gets off work. I'll call him Larry.

My wife told me that yesterday, Larry told her that his mom, "Lucille", said to him that she didn't want him when she was pregnant but his biological father, "Shecky", did. She told him that if it weren't for Shecky, Larry wouldn't be here. Now Larry wants to go live with Shecky, even though he's never met him.

I think this is an absolutely horrible thing for any mom to say to her son and I feel so bad for Larry. He's a sweet kid and my boys love him. Babysitting him is not a problem at all because he gets along so well with my boys.

My dilemma is that sometimes Larry's stepfather, Curly, picks him up. Curly is no longer married to Lucille but still has a part in Larry's life. I somewhat feel that I should say something to Curly about what Larry said.

So, what sayeth the FFA? Should I tell Curly that Larry's mom straight up told him that she never wanted him? Should I leave it alone and hope for the best? Should I confront Lucille about the terrible thing she told her son?

Lucille is currently single and has sole custody. I have no idea what Larry's father's situation is. Curly is single and does not have custody but helps Lucille out with Larry when he can.

 

[AcerFC]

Tough call. Why some people have kids is beyond me. Poor kid will be scarred emotionally now

 

[Bucky86]

Where is Moe during all of this?

 

[matuski]

lol

Where is Moe during all of this?

 

[Clifford]

I'd tell the mom directly. Could have been something she said the kid took wrong.

 

[Fennis]

I find the names too distracting to answer.

 

[MikeIke]

Where is Moe during all of this?

Moe is our neighbor who Lucille was living with for a couple years. That's how my boys meet him, seeing him in the backyard and asking if they could play together. But he's out of the picture now

 

[MikeIke]

I find the names too distracting to answer.

Sorry for your lack of imagination.

 

[Fennis]

I find the names too distracting to answer.

Sorry for your lack of imagination.

Mrs. Fennis?

 

[Gr00vus]

I wouldn't confront anybody with that. I'd just do my best to build the kid up while he's around you. Let him know he is indeed wanted/appreciated by somebody (even if it's not his mom). You bring it up to her, you run the risk she finds someone else to take care of the kid who may not be as caring. Maybe she treats the kid worse as a result as well.

 

[MikeIke]

I wouldn't confront anybody with that. I'd just do my best to build the kid up while he's around you. Let him know he is indeed wanted/appreciated by somebody (even if it's not his mom). You bring it up to her, you run the risk she finds someone else to take care of the kid who may not be as caring. Maybe she treats the kid worse as a result as well.

This is exactly what I'm afraid of. My family is really the only stable thing this kid has in his life.

 

[shadyridr]

If she wants to say mean things to her kid theres really not much you can do. I wouldnt say anything

 

[Scoresman]

The solution is for Moe to whack Curly over the head with a frying pan a couple times while making cartoon like sound effects. Things will work themselves out from there.

 

[Gr00vus]

I wouldn't confront anybody with that. I'd just do my best to build the kid up while he's around you. Let him know he is indeed wanted/appreciated by somebody (even if it's not his mom). You bring it up to her, you run the risk she finds someone else to take care of the kid who may not be as caring. Maybe she treats the kid worse as a result as well.

This is exactly what I'm afraid of. My family is really the only stable thing this kid has in his life.

So keep being a good influence and a support. Maybe find ways to arrange for him to spend more time with your kids.

Fixing a bad parent situation is way beyond your jurisdiction at this point. If the abuse gets much more extreme then it might be time to consider intervening at that level.

 

[Ramsay Hunt Experience]

I wouldn't raise it. It's a crappy thing to say to a kid, but sometimes parents say crappy things to kids. Maybe she didn't mean it. If she did, do you really think she's going to listen to you? She'll just get defensive and probably treat the kid worse. If she's physically abusive, you have an obligation. But otherwise the best you can do is treat the kid well yourself.

 

[MikeIke]

I wouldn't raise it. It's a crappy thing to say to a kid, but sometimes parents say crappy things to kids. Maybe she didn't mean it. If she did, do you really think she's going to listen to you? She'll just get defensive and probably treat the kid worse. If she's physically abusive, you have an obligation. But otherwise the best you can do is treat the kid well yourself.

This is kind of my thinking, as well. I have no indication that she's abusing him physically, and no reason to even suspect it.

But I kind of feel like i should say something to the stepdad, too. Just afraid that may make everything worse.

 

[loser]

Have sex with Shemp.

 

[sbonomo]

for the update

 

[T Bell]

I wouldn't raise it. It's a crappy thing to say to a kid, but sometimes parents say crappy things to kids. Maybe she didn't mean it. If she did, do you really think she's going to listen to you? She'll just get defensive and probably treat the kid worse. If she's physically abusive, you have an obligation. But otherwise the best you can do is treat the kid well yourself.

This is kind of my thinking, as well. I have no indication that she's abusing him physically, and no reason to even suspect it.

But I kind of feel like i should say something to the stepdad, too. Just afraid that may make everything worse.

Is he a stepdad or just an ex-boyfriend?

 

[MikeIke]

I wouldn't raise it. It's a crappy thing to say to a kid, but sometimes parents say crappy things to kids. Maybe she didn't mean it. If she did, do you really think she's going to listen to you? She'll just get defensive and probably treat the kid worse. If she's physically abusive, you have an obligation. But otherwise the best you can do is treat the kid well yourself.

This is kind of my thinking, as well. I have no indication that she's abusing him physically, and no reason to even suspect it.But I kind of feel like i should say something to the stepdad, too. Just afraid that may make everything worse.

Is he a stepdad or just an ex-boyfriend?

I honestly don't know if he ever adopted him. Larry refers to him as his dad.

 

[lod01]

Where is Moe during all of this?

1st thing I thought.

 

[Clifford]

I wouldn't confront anybody with that. I'd just do my best to build the kid up while he's around you. Let him know he is indeed wanted/appreciated by somebody (even if it's not his mom). You bring it up to her, you run the risk she finds someone else to take care of the kid who may not be as caring. Maybe she treats the kid worse as a result as well.

This is exactly what I'm afraid of. My family is really the only stable thing this kid has in his life.

This response makes me question what else has happened? IOW, do you have reason to believe that the Mom meant for her son to take it like he did?

 

[MikeIke]

I wouldn't confront anybody with that. I'd just do my best to build the kid up while he's around you. Let him know he is indeed wanted/appreciated by somebody (even if it's not his mom). You bring it up to her, you run the risk she finds someone else to take care of the kid who may not be as caring. Maybe she treats the kid worse as a result as well.

This is exactly what I'm afraid of. My family is really the only stable thing this kid has in his life.

This response makes me question what else has happened? IOW, do you have reason to believe that the Mom meant for her son to take it like he did?

Well, she's not a very good mother. My wife and I have seen several things that lead us to believe this. However, she does what she can, and I don't think the boy is in any danger with her. I just think she never should have had a child.

 

[Clifford]

In that case just continue to be a positive presence in the kids life. If you think there's a chance it was meant in earnest and the kid didn't take it wrong, there's no point.

 

[MikeIke]

I think she did mean it. I think she's resigned to the fact that she's got a kid but she's not very happy about it.

 

[Clifford]

Oof

 

[MikeIke]

Case in point: it is now almost 7:00.usually he gets picked up by 6. I texted her to see if she would be picking him up soon or if I should feed him dinner. I didn't hear back from her so he ate dinner with us.

What kind of mother gives no indication as to when she's picking up her son? Honestly, I think he's an afterthought to her.

 

[luvugheys]

Women are evil. That is a fact of nature. They are simply evil to their core so I am not the least bit surprised that she told him this. You confronting a man who is not the biological father about this insanity is a bad idea. Do what you are doing and stay out of it.

 

[Wrigley]

Sounds like someone I know, sans the working thing

 

[St. Louis Bob]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

 

[fantasycurse42]

I'd confront this woman... What kind of animal says that to an 8 year old, their 8 year old...

 

[MikeIke]

Ok, so he ate dinner with us. Then his stepdad came to pick him up. He thought she was getting him, she thought he was, that kind of situation.

I think I'm in agreement with the folks who say not to say anything. I think talking to the mom would cause her to get defensive, and talking to the stepdad would cause him to talk to her, making her defensive AND not trusting me.

 

[MikeIke]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

I can respect that, Bob, and it's certainly a valid viewpoint. I don't get the feeling that this has escalated to that point though, the kid seems remarkably well-adjusted considering the crazy childhood he's led.

I will be keeping a close eye on the situation, though. I don't want it to end up that way. He's a good kid who didn't catch any breaks when he was born.

 

[cstu]

MYOB.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

I can respect that, Bob, and it's certainly a valid viewpoint. I don't get the feeling that this has escalated to that point though, the kid seems remarkably well-adjusted considering the crazy childhood he's led.

I will be keeping a close eye on the situation, though. I don't want it to end up that way. He's a good kid who didn't catch any breaks when he was born.

I knew my GB since we were 8. He seemed well adjusted at that point to. Every year as he got older it got worse though.

 

[Pots]

Let me put it this way. If the kid told you this unprovoked, he's going to tell the step dad unprovoked at some point as well if he hasn't already.

 

[Gr00vus]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

I can respect that, Bob, and it's certainly a valid viewpoint. I don't get the feeling that this has escalated to that point though, the kid seems remarkably well-adjusted considering the crazy childhood he's led.

I will be keeping a close eye on the situation, though. I don't want it to end up that way. He's a good kid who didn't catch any breaks when he was born.

I knew my GB since we were 8. He seemed well adjusted at that point to. Every year as he got older it got worse though.

I don't know there's a whole lot MikeIke can do beyond what he's doing to make the situation better - more aggressive approaches seem to lead to a worse outcome. He can't make the mom want/love her child.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

I think at this point, adopting Larry is the only option.

I applaud your commitment.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

I can respect that, Bob, and it's certainly a valid viewpoint. I don't get the feeling that this has escalated to that point though, the kid seems remarkably well-adjusted considering the crazy childhood he's led.

I will be keeping a close eye on the situation, though. I don't want it to end up that way. He's a good kid who didn't catch any breaks when he was born.

I knew my GB since we were 8. He seemed well adjusted at that point to. Every year as he got older it got worse though.

I don't know there's a whole lot MikeIke can do beyond what he's doing to make the situation better - more aggressive approaches seem to lead to a worse outcome. He can't make the mom want/love her child.

This is child abuse. I think you have to call CPS. This is worse than beating a kid. Recent studies have backed this up.

 

[Clifford]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

I can respect that, Bob, and it's certainly a valid viewpoint. I don't get the feeling that this has escalated to that point though, the kid seems remarkably well-adjusted considering the crazy childhood he's led.I will be keeping a close eye on the situation, though. I don't want it to end up that way. He's a good kid who didn't catch any breaks when he was born.

I knew my GB since we were 8. He seemed well adjusted at that point to. Every year as he got older it got worse though.

What can he do about this though?

 

[cstu]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

I can respect that, Bob, and it's certainly a valid viewpoint. I don't get the feeling that this has escalated to that point though, the kid seems remarkably well-adjusted considering the crazy childhood he's led.

I will be keeping a close eye on the situation, though. I don't want it to end up that way. He's a good kid who didn't catch any breaks when he was born.

I'd try to do whatever I could to help the kid but going to his mom or step-dad will only make things worse.

 

[cstu]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

I can respect that, Bob, and it's certainly a valid viewpoint. I don't get the feeling that this has escalated to that point though, the kid seems remarkably well-adjusted considering the crazy childhood he's led.I will be keeping a close eye on the situation, though. I don't want it to end up that way. He's a good kid who didn't catch any breaks when he was born.

I knew my GB since we were 8. He seemed well adjusted at that point to. Every year as he got older it got worse though.

What can he do about this though?

Ricin.

 

[MikeIke]

Ricin.

How about we call that Plan B for now, ok?

 

[St. Louis Bob]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

I can respect that, Bob, and it's certainly a valid viewpoint. I don't get the feeling that this has escalated to that point though, the kid seems remarkably well-adjusted considering the crazy childhood he's led.I will be keeping a close eye on the situation, though. I don't want it to end up that way. He's a good kid who didn't catch any breaks when he was born.

I knew my GB since we were 8. He seemed well adjusted at that point to. Every year as he got older it got worse though.

What can he do about this though?

Again, call CPS. This women is a psychopath. No way should she be around this kid.

Keep in mind I've never advocated in my life for anybody, ever, to call the authorities to fix a situation.

 

[jonessed]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

I can respect that, Bob, and it's certainly a valid viewpoint. I don't get the feeling that this has escalated to that point though, the kid seems remarkably well-adjusted considering the crazy childhood he's led.I will be keeping a close eye on the situation, though. I don't want it to end up that way. He's a good kid who didn't catch any breaks when he was born.

I knew my GB since we were 8. He seemed well adjusted at that point to. Every year as he got older it got worse though.

I don't know there's a whole lot MikeIke can do beyond what he's doing to make the situation better - more aggressive approaches seem to lead to a worse outcome. He can't make the mom want/love her child.

This is child abuse. I think you have to call CPS. This is worse than beating a kid. Recent studies have backed this up.

What's child abuse? He doesn't even know what the mom said. What is he going to tell them?

 

[St. Louis Bob]

I had a GB that was adopted by wonderful people. However he could never get out of his mind that his biological mother didn't want him. I grew up with so knew him for many, many years. It ended up driving him crazy. He ended up dropping out of school at 15 and moving out of his house. He was already doing incredible amounts of drugs and booze to try an numb his pain and things got even worse. He also did a lot of other bad things that I won't speak of here. He ended up "dying in a car crash" 7 years ago.

So I strongly disagree with the "don't do anything" crowd.

I can respect that, Bob, and it's certainly a valid viewpoint. I don't get the feeling that this has escalated to that point though, the kid seems remarkably well-adjusted considering the crazy childhood he's led.I will be keeping a close eye on the situation, though. I don't want it to end up that way. He's a good kid who didn't catch any breaks when he was born.

I knew my GB since we were 8. He seemed well adjusted at that point to. Every year as he got older it got worse though.

I don't know there's a whole lot MikeIke can do beyond what he's doing to make the situation better - more aggressive approaches seem to lead to a worse outcome. He can't make the mom want/love her child.

This is child abuse. I think you have to call CPS. This is worse than beating a kid. Recent studies have backed this up.

What's child abuse? He doesn't even know what the mom said. What is he going to tell them?

So I'm looking for advice on a situation I find rather disturbing. We babysit an 8 year old boy who is my boys' best friend. We watch him after school until his mom gets off work. I'll call him Larry.

My wife told me that yesterday, Larry told her that his mom, "Lucille", said to him that she didn't want him when she was pregnant but his biological father, "Shecky", did. She told him that if it weren't for Shecky, Larry wouldn't be here. Now Larry wants to go live with Shecky, even though he's never met him.

Try to keep up.

 

[Lutherman2112]

Ok, so he ate dinner with us. Then his stepdad came to pick him up. He thought she was getting him, she thought he was, that kind of situation.

I think I'm in agreement with the folks who say not to say anything. I think talking to the mom would cause her to get defensive, and talking to the stepdad would cause him to talk to her, making her defensive AND not trusting me.

Leave the door open. You know Larry as a well adjusted kid right now. Continue to watch his behavior and comments while welcoming him into your child's group. Eight-year-old children have a strong natural desire to be part of a group; think sports teams or a group of neighborhood friends. Also understand the 8 year-olds are still developing their understanding of what is wrong or right. To Larry, the Mom and Dad household with lots of peers around would be an idyllic situation, one that is better than his current situation.

Watch the situation, and report as necessary. You were right to notice and ask for input. With a child protection issue, I would hope you would use caution. One time is an anomaly, twice is a recurrence, and three times is a trend.

 

[Johnny Rock]

My family is really the only stable thing this kid has in his life.

Tell Larry he's living with you now because your family loves him so much. Don't forget to also tell him that when the cops show up asking questions to keep his mouth shut. But seriously, I never had a dad growing up but my mom was great. The thing is, every chance I get, I thank my uncles and childhood friends' parents for helping me by being great role models and just being present when I was younger. It takes a village and all that. The genuine gratitude is well received and feels good for both sides.

Just keep being an awesome family for this kid. Tell him he's loved and praise his hard work and great attitude. Encourage him. Tell him any time he needs anything or wants to talk, you're there for him as is your son. Sounds like you're doing great already.

 

[17seconds]

I wouldn't say anything foe the reasons already mentioned and because its hard to know what's really going on.

One thing I've learned with kids is they say a lot of stuff that isn't exactly true. You have to dig a little deeper to figure out what's really going on and you aren't in a position to do that.