Living with an adult child (1 Viewer)

[johnnycakes]

My step-daughter is 21 and lives in our house while going to school in Cambridge. Quick background... her biological father is dead (died when she was 9) and she has considered me her real father since she was 15.

A few days after she turned 18, she went out on a "date" with some guy she met on the internet... she claimed he raped her, and the DA won a conviction that got the guy 3 years in prison. That's the first time my radar went up... I didn't say anything at the time, but I had a feeling she certainly went with the guy consensually to a place where she should have known what to expect. What happened after that... it was his word against hers, and the jury believed her.

A year ago she came to us with concern that she might have an STD from banging some guy she just met in the back of his BMW. She was very impressed that he had a BMW, btw.

Last fall she came to us to inform us she did in fact have a very common STD (HPV)

This past April she came to us to tell us there were "nekkid" pics of her out on the internet taken by another guy she met online for a rendezvous. The photos weren't only nekkid... they depicted explicit sex acts in which she engaged with the guy.

This is just PART of the stress I have been under with the family this year... my ex-wife lost custody of our daughters (to me... DCF contacted me in March to tell me if I did not go to court to take custody from the ex-, that they would go to take custody from both of us, so I had a number of court appearances relating to that between April & May)... ex-wife is not working, so I'm supporting two households now... ugh... I really can't be supporting a third household in the form of a stepdaughter having her own digs when she could live with us and commute.

So it's been an incredibly stressful year.

In an effort to establish boundaries so that we may all live together, we agreed to a 1am curfew... no need to tell me what you're doing or where you're going..... just come back by 1am, no questions asked. But be back by 1am without fail.

Second week of this curfew, on a Monday night, there as a "famous DJ" at Club Royale in Boston. She asked if she could come home later than 1:00am. We gave her an extension to 1:30am. Bear in mind... her mother doesn't even like the idea of her going to nightclubs. The only reason her mother allowed that was because I said I was ok with it so long as she obeyed the curfew. In any event, she comes back at 3:10am rip-roaring drunk, from Club Royale in Boston.

They charged $70 admission just to get in that night, btw. To go to a club with no chairs and a friggin' DJ.

Since she was 1:40 past curfew, I told her I would roll her curfew back by 1:40 through the end of July... that makes it an 11:20pm curfew now through July. She didn't like that but she accepted it because it kept peace in the house. This was not a permanent shift... it was a temporary roll-back to make a point.

Second week after that... last night... she comes back from a movie at 11:40pm. 20 minutes late... so I tell her the new time is 11:00pm, now, through the end of July.

Question: Am I being a total **** in this? Should I lighten up? Tia.

 

[Kal El]

Agreed to what?

 

[Rick James]

but I had a feeling she certainly went with the guy consensually to a place where she should have known what to expect.

that's a strange thing to say.

 

[RUSF18]

Agreed to what?

A HARD DELETE on the whole thing, hopefully. Good god.

 

[Foosball God]

but I had a feeling she certainly went with the guy consensually to a place where she should have known what to expect.

that's a strange thing to say.

Sad

 

[shadyridr]

Is this the Chinese daughter? Im so confused. I dunno. She's 21. I don't think Id put a curfew on a 21 year old even if she was living at home.

 

[Dan Lambskin]

Yeah as long as she comes home quietly who cares what time it is. If she's staggering in and breaking #### or barfing all over that's a different story

Also tell me more about these graphic sex pics

 

[Kal El]

Are you charging rent?

 

[Hooper31]

Am I being a total **** in this? Should I lighten up? Tia.

Not at all. Your house, your rules. Be honest with her and direct. Tell her you don't think she's making adult decisions and will continue to treat her as a child if she continues to act like a child. If she wants to live as an adult she's welcome to take on adult responsibilities like paying for her own food and rent. Again, be honest and direct. Don't beat around the bush with your real opinions and feelings.

 

[Bucky86]

 

[johnnycakes]

Are you charging rent?

 

[Hooper31]

Are you charging rent?

Are you feeding this kid too?

 

[johnnycakes]

Is this the Chinese daughter? Im so confused. I dunno. She's 21. I don't think Id put a curfew on a 21 year old even if she was living at home.

Because of her history I have a hard time falling asleep before she is actually back. The curfew has as much to do with my health as hers.

 

[johnnycakes]

Are you charging rent?

Are you feeding this kid too?

 

[Soulfly3]

21 with an 11pm curfew.

Ya, good luck bro

 

[Quez]

I would be satisfied if she agreed to not meet randos on the internet. Stay out for 72 hours for all I care as long as you aren't having 1 night stands in the back of cars.

 

[johnnycakes]

21 with an 11pm curfew.

Ya, good luck bro

It was 1am but she has been late a cumulative total of 2 hours in the last two weeks. So we roll it back two hours. What should I do instead?

 

[Hooper31]

Are you charging rent?

Are you feeding this kid too?

Then I put this squarely on you. When I was 21 I would have taken advantage of the situation just like the kid. I get to act like an adult without having the responsibility. What 21 year old wouldn't do the same?

 

[Jayrod]

That's some real messed up stuff.

She's lost and looking in some bad places for her self esteem. What is going on with her mom? Seems like a really rough situation for everyone.

Discipline is needed in her life, but she needs to start providing more self-discipline at this point.

No advice, just T&P.

 

[johnnycakes]

I would be satisfied if she agreed to not meet randos on the internet. Stay out for 72 hours for all I care as long as you aren't having 1 night stands in the back of cars.

There's no way to stop that though. I have accepted that much.

 

[IC FBGCav]

Our family started living together when my step daughter was 13, she is 30 now FYI. She is a great kid but of course there were up and downs. Most of our downs came in the teen years when she started dating a loser. She was settled and on the right path at 21 and lived with us until she graduated college. We would track her down when she missed her curfew, take her car and ground her. Not a lot a fun weekend nights back then but she was under 18.

After that it was our house our rules. If you don't like it go on your own. Now mind you we collaborated on how to handle things but all discipline was handed out by mom. She had one or two late nights coming home while in college, once drunk off her ### and threw up everywhere in her bathroom, didn't clean it up and bailed early the next day and didn't tell us what happen. Mom found the mess, made her come home and clean it and made her do the laundry at they laundry mat because it smelled so bad. There was a come to Jesus meeting. Something along the lines......feel free to get your own place and act like that but if it ever happens again here you are gone, period. And my wife meant it. Last real issue we had.

 

[Quez]

How would you rate her on a scale of 1-10 on the offdee scale? If she is sub-5, then I guess the random hookups aren't so bad. Fat gurls need lovin too.

 

[Soulfly3]

21 with an 11pm curfew.

Ya, good luck bro

It was 1am but she has been late a cumulative total of 2 hours in the last two weeks. So we roll it back two hours. What should I do instead?

ya, I read the OP.

I reiterate, a 21yr old with an 11pm curfew. good luck

 

[eoMMan]

How's her grades?

Does she work?

Regardless of the curfew time, she doesn't seem to be showing you much respect from her actions.

 

[johnnycakes]

Are you charging rent?

Are you feeding this kid too?

Then I put this squarely on you. When I was 21 I would have taken advantage of the situation just like the kid. I get to act like an adult without having the responsibility. What 21 year old wouldn't do the same?

I'm complaining about her being out too late. How will charging her room & board fix the problem?

 

[johnnycakes]

How's her grades?

Does she work?

Regardless of the curfew time, she doesn't seem to be showing you much respect from her actions.

She teaches piano & Chinese on her own but that is less than 10 hours per week. I have told her mother she has too much time on her hands already. I think she should be working more, too, but at this point I have to be careful how much I rock the boat.

 

[Osaurus]

How's her grades?

Does she work?

Regardless of the curfew time, she doesn't seem to be showing you much respect from her actions.

All of this

 

[johnnycakes]

How's her grades?

Does she work?

Regardless of the curfew time, she doesn't seem to be showing you much respect from her actions.

All of this

Yes I agree. And the lack of respect is what I tell her & her mother. They don't seem to agree I guess.

 

[Hooper31]

I'm complaining about her being out too late. How will charging her room & board fix the problem?

You're making the mistake of assuming you can do anything to fix the problem. She needs to make some better choices for herself. You can't do that for her. I think if you continue to let her live like an adult without the responsibilities you're just enabling the situation. Best of luck. Hope all turns out for the best.

 

[Quez]

That's pretty crazy that she is so open about the STD. That is kind of a weird subject for an adult kid to talk to you about. This could be a sign of a deeper psychological issue. Trying to get a reaction? Or genuinely worried and just very open?

 

[cstu]

but I had a feeling she certainly went with the guy consensually to a place where she should have known what to expect.

that's a strange thing to say.

I had an older woman (60's) tell me the same thing. She compared it to girls willingly going into a lion's den. I explained to her that girls today are not taught to think like that. In her opinion going over to a guy's house on a date was tantamount to asking for sex.

 

[Galileo]

I don't think 11:00 curfew is very reasonable to impose on a 21 yr old. But I do agree it is YOUR house and YOUR rules. If you want to play that card though, you need to be prepared to back it up and put her out on her own if she does not comply with your rules. Pretty pointless to have a curfew that she will just continue to break without consequence.

 

[cstu]

That's pretty crazy that she is so open about the STD. That is kind of a weird subject for an adult kid to talk to you about. This could be a sign of a deeper psychological issue. Trying to get a reaction? Or genuinely worried and just very open?

Her dad died when she was 9 and obviously has some psychological issue stemming from that.

 

[johnnycakes]

That's pretty crazy that she is so open about the STD. That is kind of a weird subject for an adult kid to talk to you about. This could be a sign of a deeper psychological issue. Trying to get a reaction? Or genuinely worried and just very open?

She went to her mother and her mother told me.

 

[johnnycakes]

I don't think 11:00 curfew is very reasonable to impose on a 21 yr old. But I do agree it is YOUR house and YOUR rules. If you want to play that card though, you need to be prepared to back it up and put her out on her own if she does not comply with your rules. Pretty pointless to have a curfew that she will just continue to break without consequence.

I agree 11pm is too early. But there has to be some consequence to being late besides my losing sleep. And the consequence should be proportionate to how late. Have any suggestions? Monetary penalty maybe?

 

[Joe Summer]

Dude was innocent.

 

[gianmarco]

I think lowering the curfew as a punishment to breaking curfew is silly as you're now at a ridiculous curfew for a 21 year old. And if you can't sleep because she's still out, then a 1am curfew doesn't make sense anyway (unless you typically go to bed at 1am). In other words, you either decide you can have a 21 yr old living at your house coming home late due to your sleep or you can't.

I would start by lifting the curfew and actually sitting down and talking with her. Explain to her that you have a hard time sleeping when she's out late given her history. Explain that she can make whatever decisions she wants as she's an adult but that those decision ultimately have consequences. Explain that if she continues to come home late and in the state she's been coming home in, it's possible that she may be expected to move due to the effect it would have on you.

You're far more likely to have her come home at reasonable hours on a regular basis by letting her self regulate and know why than to impose an arbitrary cut off and keep moving it back.

 

[cstu]

How's her grades?

Does she work?

Regardless of the curfew time, she doesn't seem to be showing you much respect from her actions.

She teaches piano & Chinese on her own but that is less than 10 hours per week. I have told her mother she has too much time on her hands already. I think she should be working more, too, but at this point I have to be careful how much I rock the boat.

Two options:

1) Make strict curfew restrictions that she'll be kicked out of the house for if she breaks

2) Don't give her a curfew

Option 1 probably won't go over well with her mother, so I'd go with option 2. So she's going to do stupid things, but she's adult. You can either choose to deal with that or kick her out. I don't see continuing to reduce her curfew as an option when she continually breaks it and her mother isn't helping the situation.

 

[Zow]

Thanks for today's installment of birth control. Jesus.

 

[johnnycakes]

but I had a feeling she certainly went with the guy consensually to a place where she should have known what to expect.

that's a strange thing to say.

Yeah the jury seemed to think going to a secluded vacant parking lot late at night would be a perfect place just to watch the stars.

 

[Galileo]

I don't think 11:00 curfew is very reasonable to impose on a 21 yr old. But I do agree it is YOUR house and YOUR rules. If you want to play that card though, you need to be prepared to back it up and put her out on her own if she does not comply with your rules. Pretty pointless to have a curfew that she will just continue to break without consequence.

I agree 11pm is too early. But there has to be some consequence to being late besides my losing sleep. And the consequence should be proportionate to how late.Have any suggestions? Monetary penalty maybe?

 

[cstu]

I'm complaining about her being out too late. How will charging her room & board fix the problem?

Not your job anymore to be concerned with what time she comes home. You should be more focused on how she's eventually going to be able to support herself and move out.

 

[IC FBGCav]

How's her grades?

Does she work?

Regardless of the curfew time, she doesn't seem to be showing you much respect from her actions.

She teaches piano & Chinese on her own but that is less than 10 hours per week. I have told her mother she has too much time on her hands already. I think she should be working more, too, but at this point I have to be careful how much I rock the boat.

Two options:

1) Make strict curfew restrictions that she'll be kicked out of the house for if she breaks

2) Don't give her a curfew

Option 1 probably won't go over well with her mother, so I'd go with option 2. So she's going to do stupid things, but she's adult. You can either choose to deal with that or kick her out. I don't see continuing to reduce her curfew as an option when she continually breaks it and her mother isn't helping the situation.

If Johnny and Mom are not on the same page.

They have no chance.

 

[rockaction]

Dude was innocent.

Yeah, I began to think of the guy in jail. I no longer care about the OP's problem nor his daughter's lateness, even though I like the OP.

I'm concerned about the dude that lost his freedom in the clink. Those cells aren't fun.

 

[jonessed]

Seems fine. She knows the rules. If she keeps breaking curfew you might have to consider kicking her out.

 

[HellToupee]

I don't think 11:00 curfew is very reasonable to impose on a 21 yr old. But I do agree it is YOUR house and YOUR rules. If you want to play that card though, you need to be prepared to back it up and put her out on her own if she does not comply with your rules. Pretty pointless to have a curfew that she will just continue to break without consequence.

I agree 11pm is too early. But there has to be some consequence to being late besides my losing sleep. And the consequence should be proportionate to how late. Have any suggestions? Monetary penalty maybe?

I'd cut off the Amex card & limit her to foie gras only once a week

 

[johnnycakes]

How's her grades?

Does she work?

Regardless of the curfew time, she doesn't seem to be showing you much respect from her actions.

She teaches piano & Chinese on her own but that is less than 10 hours per week. I have told her mother she has too much time on her hands already. I think she should be working more, too, but at this point I have to be careful how much I rock the boat.

Two options:

1) Make strict curfew restrictions that she'll be kicked out of the house for if she breaks

2) Don't give her a curfew

Option 1 probably won't go over well with her mother, so I'd go with option 2. So she's going to do stupid things, but she's adult. You can either choose to deal with that or kick her out. I don't see continuing to reduce her curfew as an option when she continually breaks it and her mother isn't helping the situation.

Ok, that input is helpful. Maybe I have to learn how to sleep better when she is out. But when I wake up at 3:30 and she isn't home yet I do worry. Yes, it would be easier for me if she had her own place. That SHE (not us) paid for. I could definitely live with that. I'm not so sure her mother could.

Part of the reason my wife wants our daughter living with us is she is afraid the daughter would be even worse living on her own. She has stated this and I agree.

I'm not afraid to let her fail... But her mother is.

 

[johnnycakes]

I don't think 11:00 curfew is very reasonable to impose on a 21 yr old. But I do agree it is YOUR house and YOUR rules. If you want to play that card though, you need to be prepared to back it up and put her out on her own if she does not comply with your rules. Pretty pointless to have a curfew that she will just continue to break without consequence.

I agree 11pm is too early. But there has to be some consequence to being late besides my losing sleep. And the consequence should be proportionate to how late. Have any suggestions? Monetary penalty maybe?

I'd cut off the Amex card & limit her to foie gras only once a week

 

[rockaction]

Seriously now thinking you should ask her about the guy in the clink. That's not funny nor something to be treated lightly; it's potentially criminal and morally reprehensible.

 

[johnnycakes]

Dude was innocent.

Yeah, I began to think of the guy in jail. I no longer care about the OP's problem nor his daughter's lateness, even though I like the OP.

I'm concerned about the dude that lost his freedom in the clink. Those cells aren't fun.

But I had absolutely nothing to do with that case. Nothing. Her shrink took her to the police and the DA took it from there. No one ever asked if I had my doubts and I felt it would be inappropriate to speak up because that was the first time we learned of her being involved in such activities. It isn't until a couple of years later, now, that I see a pattern of promiscuity.