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Marriage advice (1 Viewer)

H

Help Wanted

Footballguy
I've only been married for 5 years, and already it feels like it is falling apart. We have no kids. I'm looking for any input/advice and I know full well to expect a bunch of funny/sarcastic remarks. 

I'll start from the beginning. We began dating in graduate school and all was well for 2 years until I took a job in a different state and left her 5 hours away. We began to drift apart and ended things During that time I was with someone else, and I found out that she really broke it off because she was with someone else before it all went down. I forgave her after she agreed to move closer to me, and 6 months later we got back together. 6 months after that we were engaged. We have since been married for 5 years. 

Our sex life is basically non-existent and has been since before we got married. I guess I thought it would change when we got hitched. Over the past few years, I have gained weight and she has lost weight. I don't think either of us are attracted to the other anymore - at least not nearly as much as we once were. We have not had any kind of dots in nearly a year, and probably only average 4 dots a year since marriage. The physical part of our relationship is so bad that I wouldn't even be confident in where to start if I wanted to try to get things going. I am not even sure that I WANT to start anything physical anymore, and that realization is what has driven me to this point. 

This has of course been a major source of frustration for me, and yes I have mentioned it to her before. I have tried hard to do everything I thought possible to fix this - For example, I lost 25 lbs. before our marriage and she promised me this would change things. It didn't. I have spent 3 months doing everything around the house and leaving her with no chores whatsoever - and it hasn't helped things. I have done all I can think of, and we still have no physical relationship. At this point I am left with several thoughts. Either she 1) Doesn't love me anymore, 2) Isn't attracted to me at all, or 3) Simply has no sexual desires anymore. I don't believe she is cheating on me, so I don't include that as an option. 

She quit her job 4 years ago to pursue something she loves and I was and have been extremely supportive. She makes virtually no money (less than 15% of our income), but I have never said a word about it. We continue to work to try to make her business better and hopefully eventually more profitable. My income has provided us that opportunity, but some recent changes have somewhat changed that and have caused money to be a stressor. Again, I have never mentioned anything about money in any of our arguments, and it truly is not a part of my frustrations - but I do understand that it could be something that would come up in conversations about our future.

I do believe she has become increasingly frustrated that I don't do as much around the house as she does. My feeling is that I work two jobs to provide for us and that she is at home and can afford some time to do things around the house. I work 12-16 hour days and I don't have the desire to clean dishes or vacuum when I get home. I still do everything outside (yard work, flower beds, etc.). Her feeling is that she is working as well and we should split it. I understand both sides to this argument. 

We don't fight all the time, but when we do it isn't pretty. There is never anything physical of course, but we both bring up the same things over and over - to the point that I feel like it might not be fixable. We have talked about our non-existent sex life. We have talked about everything above except the money thing with her job. 

Our last fight was over a week ago and we haven't spoken pretty much at all since. I had what we both knew would be a very long work week (18 hour days) and I came home and basically stayed in my 'wing' of the house. The week ended yesterday and we have avoided each other for the better part of today. 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to divorce, but I am not sure what options there are. I honestly don't know what my feelings are for her anymore, and I am not sure that anything can be done to recreate any attraction that we once had for one another. I feel like I am stuck in a platonic relationship where we aren't even great friends. 

EDIT TO ADD: 

We have read the Love Languages book - she acknowledged that I need physical touch and did not change one bit. I have been very active in affirmation, gifts, quality time, and service to her and have seen no change. I should have mentioned in my original post (I am going to edit to include it) that I changed careers from my passion to something I just enjoy okay in order to spend more time with her and focus on our marriage. This included moving states.

 
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sounds like a divorce would actually benefit both of you.   

doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of this marriage.

 
Abraham said:
I'm going through a divorce right now. So question:

"why are you opposed to divorce?"
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Because it isn't supposed to happen? Because we pledged til "death do us part"? Because I would still rather it work and us be happy together than happy apart? 

 
Sounds like you need marriage counselling. But with money and likely time tight that might be hard to do. A minister at a church would be the free way to go for it. It's better than nothing and they do have some training.

Maybe both of you take that free 5 Love Languages quiz online and then discuss your results. At least it will be an icebreaker for you guys to talk the relationship over. For instance doing the chores & making most of the money it sounds like one of the 5 Love Languages - Acts of Service aren't important to her. The main lesson from the 5 Love Languages is that people tend to love their spouse in a manner that they want to be loved themselves rather than the way the spouse wants to be loved/shown affection.

I do think it's probably not how you look physically that's a turn off for her. I suspect she wants more quality time. She may also be depressed that she isn't contributing as much financially. Is she really passionate about her business or does she seem to be going through the motions? If it's the later, then she's likely feeling unfulfilled and is either displacing blame on you or is so down she isn't motivated to work on the relationship.

Keep in mind, the quickest way to turn things around will be to make changes in your behaviors than trying to change hers. And don't have a child till this stuff gets hashed out.

5 love Language quiz

 
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you have no kids.   Time to move on.  Honestly, from what you said, you should never have gotten married

 
netnalp said:
Sounds like you need marriage counselling. But with money and likely time tight that might be hard to do. A minister at a church would be the free way to go for it. It's better than nothing and they do have some training.

Maybe both of you take that free 5 Love Languages quiz online and then discuss your results. At least it will be an icebreaker for you guys to talk the relationship over. For instance doing the chores & making most of the money it sounds like one of the 5 Love Languages - Acts of Service aren't important to her. 

I do think it's probably not how you look physically that's a turn off for her. I suspect she wants more quality time. She may also be depressed that she isn't contributing as much financially. Is she really passionate about her business or does she seem to be going through the motions? If it's the later, then she's likely feeling unfulfilled and is either displacing blame on you or is so down she isn't motivated to work on the relationship.

Keep in mind, the quickest way to turn things around will be to make changes in your behaviors than trying to change hers. And don't have a child till this stuff gets hashed out.
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Thanks for the thought out replies. 

Marriage counseling is possible if she is up for it.

We have read the Love Languages book - she acknowledged that I need physical touch and did not change one bit. I have been very active in affirmation, gifts, quality time, and service to her and have seen no change. I should have mentioned in my original post (I am going to edit to include it) that I changed careers from my passion to something I just enjoy okay in order to spend more time with her and focus on our marriage. This included moving states. 

Re: Her job. I have purchased different tools for her to improve her business, but she has not attacked them like I have encouraged her to do. Since we have moved to this new city she has spent exactly 6 hours marketing herself and her business. 

 
Help Wanted said:
Because it isn't supposed to happen? Because we pledged til "death do us part"? Because I would still rather it work and us be happy together than happy apart? 
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Bologna. The same God you made vows to is the same one that gave you one trip around the stars.  Be who you want to be, be happy. 

 
That's bad, her not being passionate about her business. Sounds like she's so depressed that she isn't motivated to do anything. 

Go to counseling even if she won't go. Explain to her that you know that things aren't right between you too and that you're going to exhaust every option you can and she's welcome to try as well. If she won't talk, write it down, she'll read it when you're not around.

Might be she doesn't appreciate you giving up so much for her. You know, the "it's hard to respect someone when they're kissing your ###." kinda thing. Counseller would know better. But start counseling even if she won't go. At the very least it will help you with deciding how much more time and effort you should put in and reconcile your conflict if it comes to ending things.

Since she had moved on to someone else prior to your split years ago, it's possible she just doens't have that attraction that she once had. Once women lose that, it generally doesn't come back. Maybe she thought it would, but it hasn't.

 
just reading a brief synopsis, you sound like a bad fit for each other. How old are you?

i am reading a lot into what you wrote, but it sounds like when you moved away, you missed her and built the relationship up in your head as better than it really was. Then, you wanted to get back together with her, found out about her being with someone else and forgave her, but didn't really forget it. Possible you're still holding a grudge?

The way you describe things, you definitely don't feel your needs are being met. Worse, you describe yourself as the giver and supporter, and her as an indifferent taker. That's not a relationship that's going to work. I'm not saying that's how it really is; but the way you describe your side of things, it seems to be your assessment.

going through a divorce is painful and sucks. Wasting your entire life with someone who makes you feel "meh" or even worse, someone you go out of your way to avoid for extended periods of time is way more painful and sucks worse. If there's no kids involved, I'd start today and devote myself to figuring out what makes me happy. Then throw myself into that. I'd polish my resume and look into going back into my passion. I'd start working out and eating right to feel good and start attracting more attention. I'd do new stuff I always wanted to do and meet as many new people as I could.

This gives you the win either way. if she just settled for you and is not really into you (like how you describe) but you're still sprung over her, you might rekindle her interest and put the relationship on equal footing. Nobody respects a doormat, and the way you describe your relationship, you're being one for her. And if it doesn't work out, at least you're already on your way to moving on with life.

 
ProstheticRGK said:
just reading a brief synopsis, you sound like a bad fit for each other. How old are you?

i am reading a lot into what you wrote, but it sounds like when you moved away, you missed her and built the relationship up in your head as better than it really was. Then, you wanted to get back together with her, found out about her being with someone else and forgave her, but didn't really forget it. Possible you're still holding a grudge?

The way you describe things, you definitely don't feel your needs are being met. Worse, you describe yourself as the giver and supporter, and her as an indifferent taker. That's not a relationship that's going to work. I'm not saying that's how it really is; but the way you describe your side of things, it seems to be your assessment.

going through a divorce is painful and sucks. Wasting your entire life with someone who makes you feel "meh" or even worse, someone you go out of your way to avoid for extended periods of time is way more painful and sucks worse. If there's no kids involved, I'd start today and devote myself to figuring out what makes me happy. Then throw myself into that. I'd polish my resume and look into going back into my passion. I'd start working out and eating right to feel good and start attracting more attention. I'd do new stuff I always wanted to do and meet as many new people as I could.

This gives you the win either way. if she just settled for you and is not really into you (like how you describe) but you're still sprung over her, you might rekindle her interest and put the relationship on equal footing. Nobody respects a doormat, and the way you describe your relationship, you're being one for her. And if it doesn't work out, at least you're already on your way to moving on with life.
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I'm 33.

I missed her, but when we broke up I was okay. I was with someone else, she called and wanted to get back together, and after initially ignoring it I decided to give it another chance. You are right that I have held on to it more than I should have. 

I don't feel my needs are being met at all, that is correct. I understand that I obviously have only one side of the story - I have tried to be as impartial as I could in order to get the best input, and I appreciate yours. 

I need to start doing this. I had an injury a while ago that has kept me from being as active as I once was, but I need to find something I can do that will help keep me active. 

Thanks for the advice. 

 
Help Wanted said:
I'm 33.

I missed her, but when we broke up I was okay. I was with someone else, she called and wanted to get back together, and after initially ignoring it I decided to give it another chance. You are right that I have held on to it more than I should have. 

I don't feel my needs are being met at all, that is correct. I understand that I obviously have only one side of the story - I have tried to be as impartial as I could in order to get the best input, and I appreciate yours. 

I need to start doing this. I had an injury a while ago that has kept me from being as active as I once was, but I need to find something I can do that will help keep me active. 

Thanks for the advice. 
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Wasn't trying to imply you were being untruthful, just that the truth is usually always in the middle of both sides. And being impartial in these situations is usually impossible, given the vested interests and emotions involved.

Good luck, brother. You're young and have a lot of living ahead of you. Don't settle for comfortable but unfulfilling.

 
Help Wanted said:
Because it isn't supposed to happen? Because we pledged til "death do us part"? Because I would still rather it work and us be happy together than happy apart? 
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Nevertheless, get a divorce.  For the love of pete, do NOT have children with her.

And go to the doctor and get a check up.  For some reason, I think you might be somewhat depressed.

 
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What do you do that requires you to work so much?  Those hours suck and can't be helping anything.

 
LOOK AT ME I HAVE A WING ON MY HOUSE!!!!

Seriously though you"ve pretty much described the last 5 years of my 17 year marriage. I tried to make it work because we had kids but she finally filed for divorce.

First thank your lucky stars you don't have kids. Second get a divorce and enjoy life. It's way too short to spend it the way you're living. One person can't keep a marriage together if the other doesn't care.

 
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I think you should try counseling - separately at first. Sounds to me like both of you have issues internally that need to be worked out before you can even think about addressing yourselves as a couple. I have a feeling that fixing yourselves separately will take care of the rest - you'll either be on much healthier ground to work on the relationship, or one (or both) of you will realize that you're not with the partner you should be with and it will end. The relationship ending isn't "failure" or going against God's will or any of that kind of stuff. Some people are not good matches. You guys sound, to me, like my first wife and I - we were together so long that, when it became obvious we were not a good match, we didn't know how to break up so we got married instead.

Good luck to you.

 
How much you looking to lose in alimony?  This is pretty ridiculous.  You work 12-16/day and she can't find the time to do the house work.   Are you kidding me?     I'd say divorce without question, but the whole idea of paying alimony just grinds my gears.  

 
NutterButter said:
How much you looking to lose in alimony?  This is pretty ridiculous.  You work 12-16/day and she can't find the time to do the house work.   Are you kidding me?     I'd say divorce without question, but the whole idea of paying alimony just grinds my gears.  
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I dealt with this for years.  Worked full time and afforded her a life as a SAHM.  She couldn't be bothered to clean or even straighten the place up for me when I'd get home.  I'm in the process of divorce.

That said, if the OP hasn't tried marriage counseling, I'd suggest he go that route ASAP.  The least they can do it try to communicate their issues before it's determined they should divorce.  However, in the meantime, do whatever you need to do to not have children.  As soon as you have kids you will be affixed to this person for the rest of your life, divorce or not.  

 
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Dude, seriously divorce... Not even a question at all. You described a sexless, unhappy, nagging wife. You work 12-16 hours a day and she #####es about dishes? WTF?

Do you even trust her? She was previously unfaithful... What is there to save? Run run run!!! Split whatever you have and start a fresh life, you'll never see her again and won't owe her a thing.

 
No kids, no foul. You're both successful people. Keep your own stuff and move on.

Seriously I know pride comes in to play for some guys not love. You don't want to show you were wrong in your choice so you'll stick it out another 50-60 years. Like Marsellus Wallace said, "you may feel a slight sting. That's pride ####### with you. #### pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps."

 
Square peg in round hole.

You made a mistake in marrying the wrong person. Don't make another mistake of wasting 5 more years of trying to fix that mistake.

Men are stupid so I will continue to echo the obvious.  Having kids will NOT help or save your marriage. No matter how much quicker one you may think this.

 
Captain Cranks said:
That said, if the OP hasn't tried marriage counseling, I'd suggest he go that route ASAP.  
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They're in no way equipped to do couples counseling. They need to get themselves in order separately before they can even think about trying to figure themselves out as a couple. 

 
Best line: "Sex life non-existent and has been since before we got married. I guess I thought it would change when we got hitched."

OOF 

 
Divorce sounds like a fairly slam dunk option.

Also, I'll point out....you're 33, no kids, and sounds like you make solid money. You may not realize the golden opportunity that awaits you once you are free of this. There's a fresh round of first time divorcees and never marrieds that are going to hound you like you wouldn't believe when you hit the market. There's a massive group of 28-35 YO women in their sexual primes looking for a free man with a little cash and no prior kid obligations. There's, of course, a nice age range of young tail available to you as well, depending on what you are looking for (and you are still closer to 30 than 40, so the low-mid 20's are well within your range).

 
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Help Wanted said:
I've only been married for 5 years, and already it feels like it is falling apart. We have no kids. I'm looking for any input/advice and I know full well to expect a bunch of funny/sarcastic remarks. 

I'll start from the beginning. We began dating in graduate school and all was well for 2 years until I took a job in a different state and left her 5 hours away. We began to drift apart and ended things During that time I was with someone else, and I found out that she really broke it off because she was with someone else before it all went down. I forgave her after she agreed to move closer to me, and 6 months later we got back together. 6 months after that we were engaged. We have since been married for 5 years. 

Our sex life is basically non-existent and has been since before we got married. I guess I thought it would change when we got hitched. Over the past few years, I have gained weight and she has lost weight. I don't think either of us are attracted to the other anymore - at least not nearly as much as we once were. We have not had any kind of dots in nearly a year, and probably only average 4 dots a year since marriage. The physical part of our relationship is so bad that I wouldn't even be confident in where to start if I wanted to try to get things going. I am not even sure that I WANT to start anything physical anymore, and that realization is what has driven me to this point. 

This has of course been a major source of frustration for me, and yes I have mentioned it to her before. I have tried hard to do everything I thought possible to fix this - For example, I lost 25 lbs. before our marriage and she promised me this would change things. It didn't. I have spent 3 months doing everything around the house and leaving her with no chores whatsoever - and it hasn't helped things. I have done all I can think of, and we still have no physical relationship. At this point I am left with several thoughts. Either she 1) Doesn't love me anymore, 2) Isn't attracted to me at all, or 3) Simply has no sexual desires anymore. I don't believe she is cheating on me, so I don't include that as an option. 

She quit her job 4 years ago to pursue something she loves and I was and have been extremely supportive. She makes virtually no money (less than 15% of our income), but I have never said a word about it. We continue to work to try to make her business better and hopefully eventually more profitable. My income has provided us that opportunity, but some recent changes have somewhat changed that and have caused money to be a stressor. Again, I have never mentioned anything about money in any of our arguments, and it truly is not a part of my frustrations - but I do understand that it could be something that would come up in conversations about our future.

I do believe she has become increasingly frustrated that I don't do as much around the house as she does. My feeling is that I work two jobs to provide for us and that she is at home and can afford some time to do things around the house. I work 12-16 hour days and I don't have the desire to clean dishes or vacuum when I get home. I still do everything outside (yard work, flower beds, etc.). Her feeling is that she is working as well and we should split it. I understand both sides to this argument. 

We don't fight all the time, but when we do it isn't pretty. There is never anything physical of course, but we both bring up the same things over and over - to the point that I feel like it might not be fixable. We have talked about our non-existent sex life. We have talked about everything above except the money thing with her job. 

Our last fight was over a week ago and we haven't spoken pretty much at all since. I had what we both knew would be a very long work week (18 hour days) and I came home and basically stayed in my 'wing' of the house. The week ended yesterday and we have avoided each other for the better part of today. 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to divorce, but I am not sure what options there are. I honestly don't know what my feelings are for her anymore, and I am not sure that anything can be done to recreate any attraction that we once had for one another. I feel like I am stuck in a platonic relationship where we aren't even great friends. 

EDIT TO ADD: 

We have read the Love Languages book - she acknowledged that I need physical touch and did not change one bit. I have been very active in affirmation, gifts, quality time, and service to her and have seen no change. I should have mentioned in my original post (I am going to edit to include it) that I changed careers from my passion to something I just enjoy okay in order to spend more time with her and focus on our marriage. This included moving states.
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Keto diet.  Report back in 6 months.  Don't worry about anything else besides getting in shape. Maybe you a gain some confidence.  Maybe you attract her back.  Worst case, you are setting yourself up for higher quality replacements once you pull the plug.  Get in shape.  Cannot stress this enough.  

 
Sabertooth said:
Keto diet.  Report back in 6 months.  Don't worry about anything else besides getting in shape. Maybe you a gain some confidence.  Maybe you attract her back.  Worst case, you are setting yourself up for higher quality replacements once you pull the plug.  Get in shape.  Cannot stress this enough.  
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That's fine, but may as well get this divorce in motion now too. Even if he's out of shape, a newly free man with a little cash will probably fall into some decent ##### in the process of getting back into shape. It doesn't sound like there's anything especially motivating or rewarding about being in this relationship. No point in wasting another 6 months.

Also, OP make sure that whenever do drop a few lbs., make a facebook post saying "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best".

 
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While the details are different, I started a similar thread almost 4 years ago so I know where you're coming from.  I got some great advice and support from the FFA then and I'm glad to see that the FFA continues to come through in these tough-to-start threads.  A lot of good stuff has already been posted, including the tough-love ones (which are often the best).  If I had to add or emphasize anything, particularly in light of what I've learned these past 4 years...

- Be the person you want to be.  Lose weight for the sake of your own health and appearance.  Help out more around the house because you take pride in your home.  Take your wife out to dinner more often because it's sounds more fun than eating leftovers.  Do NOT do these things to placate your wife or keep an imaginary scorecard of who's the better spouse.  If you decide to make changes for yourself and your wife responds positively, then great.  If she is indifferent or doesn't like the changes, then oh well.  Perhaps there is someone else out there who will like you for who you are (and trust me...there is).

- Take your vow seriously and seek marriage counseling.  And understand that counseling is a process.  You have to commit to several sessions to give the MC a chance to see patterns and underlying issues.  The first few sessions are just he said-she said and the MC has no real clue what's going on.  Also, be open to criticism.  It's easy to want to blame all the marriage woes on your wife.  The MC will likely open your eyes to something you could be doing better.  Sometimes a lot better.

- The little-to-no sex thing was a 100-foot red flag you ignored and considering it was there from the beginning, expecting drastic changes there is naive.  Sexual compatibility is an important component in a marriage and don't let anybody guilt you into thinking it isn't, that such thinking is shallow.  You're looking at a legitimate deal breaker.

- Divorce may have been the hardest decision I've ever made.  It's also looking like one of the best.  And I have kids.  Without kids, it's a no-brainer in hindsight.  It's easy to say that in hindsight, though.  The fear of the unknown was crippling at the time.

Good luck to you.

 
Also you're 33, have no kids, and on the verge of single. Dude, get in shape.  You have no excuse.

 
Go to counseling, even if it's on your own. 

If you decide to divorce, speak to an attorney before you speak to her about your decision. 

 
I recommend divorce also.

If you are going to try to work it out, you need to decide that you will be the best husband you can be regardless of her actions.  Just be the bigger person at all times  

If you do this and she wants to save the marriage over a short time she will come around also. If she doesn't there is nothing to fight for and you should divorce. 

I am NOT talking about letting her walk over you, if that is currently happening that is a huge contributor to the no sex situation. 

Women are rarely attracted to the nice guys.

 
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Otis said:
Also you're 33, have no kids, and on the verge of single. Dude, get in shape.  You have no excuse.
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If he gets in shape now, then the wife will start to find him attractive again. Then they will have sex, followed by children, followed by 18 years of misery.

He needs to get out first, then worry about getting in shape.

 
Loving and intimate marriages are tough enough. I couldn't imagine this scenario. 

I agree with the first reply, sounds like a divorce would be good for both of you. 

 
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Lotta people suggesting divorce.  I'm going to take contrarian position and recommend you get a second wife.  She can do a lot of the chores and hopefully give you more sex.  Win-Win-Win.

 
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