My Sister Needs Help- Sob Story Inside (1 Viewer)

[Chadstroma]

I will lay out the situation. Kind of explain the backstory so you know what kind of situation she is in and then anyone that can offer some ideas would be helpful. I been racking my brain trying to come up with a solution. I need some outside stimulus at this point.

So, my sister is now a single mother of two young girls (9 and 13). She was married to a guy for about 20 years. This guy was truly a part of the family and thru most of the time was rock solid guy that people liked and was one of those guys that would go out of his way to help you. He had a successful construction business where he got to the point he didn't even need to do any work but just show up and make sure his crew was doing everything right. He has very loyal customers that would use him for everything even though he charged more than the average for the jobs- he did a good job and was on top of customer service etc. A few years back, here and there odd things happened but no one had a clue what was really happening until everything blew up one day and we found out he had a drug problem and was cheating on my sister. Fast forward to now- they are divorced (though my sister tried hard to reconcile, he essentially didn't care to). He is barely in the picture with the kids. Sees and talks to them rarely and will promise to come by and call and not. My understanding is he shacked up with another drug addict and they had a new kid who apparently has some medical issues. He no longer has a construction business (he lost all of his clients) and has been fired from a lot of jobs. He does gold panning/digging most of the time I believe. He provides no support money wise though if he comes by will do handy man kind of stuff to 'help' my sister which is generally unreliable- tons of promises and very little accomplished.

My sister is on disability so she is on a fixed income, the amount of which is ludicrous to live in the greater L.A. area. She lives in the cheapest place she can find, a very small two bedroom apartment (to call the two rooms bedrooms is generous in my view) in a bad part of town. She had a decently reliable vehicle before but then got rear ended which totaled the car. She took the insurance money and bought another car. It wasn't working right (not completely broken) and then X came along. Said that he would fix it.... dismantled things, said he needed a particular part and would come back and finish it when she got it. Well, that was months ago. She has got by with a friend letting her borrow a vehicle but what turned into what they thought would be a week or so turned into months and the friend needed the car back to sell. In the meantime, she was told of a mechanic near by that would fix it and do payments. She has it towed there and they basically 'look' at it and tell her a belt would cost $1K and this would cost $1K and you might as well buy a new engine which we can do for $5K (she bought the car for $3,900) on top of that they don't do payments anymore. So, sounds like they are trying to screw her over.

So, I am trying to figure out what to do. I am not in the financial situation to help right now (currently our childcare situation is killing us- just waiting to get that better which there is light at the end of the tunnel.)

Any thoughts, ideas, etc? I am really trying to figure out something for her. She needs a car- it is not a public transportation doable area.

 

[matuski]

Move out of LA?  If her income is fixed.. lower her cost of living.

 

[Coeur de Lion]

Yeah, LA doesn't sound super feasible for her long term.  Any family that she could move in with while she tries to get back on her feet?  Maybe try to get her hooked up with a social work organization that could help her with different stuff.  I'd also recommend going hard after the ex for child support, even if it's unlikely to get major results.  Sounds like a really rough situation, good luck.

 

[jonessed]

If she has no job in LA she should probably move to a cheaper part of CA. There are less expensive options that will likely be safer with better schools as well.  Maybe an area where she doesn't need immediate access to a car.  Someone would obviously have to help her move, but if it's a small place maybe that's not to hard.

Not an emotionally easy thing to do, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet.

 

[bigbottom]

Why is she on disability?  Is employment completely out of the picture?  What about welfare?

 

[cockroach]

Move her to Hemet

 

[Judge Smails]

Move her to Hemet

Oof.  Things aren't THAT bad...

 

[cockroach]

Oof.  Things aren't THAT bad...

Corona?

 

[elbowrm]

If she isn't working, why does she need a car?  Seems like an ideal candidate for uberx.

 

[Chadstroma]

Move out of LA?  If her income is fixed.. lower her cost of living.

Yeah, LA doesn't sound super feasible for her long term.  Any family that she could move in with while she tries to get back on her feet?  Maybe try to get her hooked up with a social work organization that could help her with different stuff.  I'd also recommend going hard after the ex for child support, even if it's unlikely to get major results.  Sounds like a really rough situation, good luck.

If she has no job in LA she should probably move to a cheaper part of CA. There are less expensive options that will likely be safer with better schools as well.  Maybe an area where she doesn't need immediate access to a car.  Someone would obviously have to help her move, but if it's a small place maybe that's not to hard.

Not an emotionally easy thing to do, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet.

For a long time she actually lived with her close friend (same one letting her borrow the car now) but that was not tenable for the long term. Before that, she lived with one of our Aunt's before they ended up moving to Alabama because my Uncle's job relocated. With two children, it is a lot for a friend to "take in" so there aren't going to be many of those options. Family wise there aren't really any options either as the ones that could take her in are scattered out in different states (including me). Originally, I had offered for her to move in with me a long time ago but that was nixed because the X would not let the girls go out of state. They are going through custody court proceedings now and increasingly the X is losing his leverage in court.

She has a lot of support in that area (her best friend who has helped her a lot), church, etc. Plus the kids have been so much that she has been trying real hard to try to limit any kind of further drama in their lives (like a move out of state) and keep them close to their friends and family (not just ours but the X's family too).

My mother is in a sort of position to help and it goes through me. Basically, my mother has some cash (not a whole lot in terms of needing to last the rest of her life) that I control on her behalf. My mother is bleeding cash- partly because the weekly draw I give her is more than interest and partly because she always seems a 'need' to spend more than the normal. I mentioned to my mother that if her cash gets to a certain level, she will be forced to sell her home and move in with me (no one else would be able to take her in) and my sister kind of half jokingly said "we will all be living with you soon". So, I know she has been thinking about it again. Specially with the rent going up another $100 recently. (I think I forgot to mention that earlier).

The only thing I can think of right now is to dip into my mom's funds. Buy her a car and then hopefully the X fixes the old one where we can sell it and repay back as much as possible my mom. But as mentioned before, my mom is bleeding cash and I really hate to do this.

But yea, I think at this point, it is a matter of time before my sister is forced to move in with me.

 

[Uruk-Hai]

Chad, maybe I missed it (if so, apologies) but CAN she work? I don't mean just from a real ability to perform tasks, but also from a "benefits will go away" standpoint.

 

[jwb]

Chad, maybe I missed it (if so, apologies) but CAN she work? I don't mean just from a real ability to perform tasks, but also from a "benefits will go away" standpoint.

That's the first thing I thought as well. Is working absolutely impossible?

 

[Chadstroma]

Why is she on disability?  Is employment completely out of the picture?  What about welfare?

Fibromyalgia- which essentially makes it impossible to know when she can and can not work cause of when it flares up or not. She tried to do some data entry thing before at home but I forgot what happened with it- it wasn't working out.  

 

[Chadstroma]

That's the first thing I thought as well. Is working absolutely impossible?

A standard job is pretty much impossible for her to keep down because of the issues she has with the illness. She tried a data entry at home thing but it didn't work out for some reason (I can't remember what happened with it).

 

[Uruk-Hai]

Can she do housekeeping or a nanny thing where she and the kids live on site? I'm not trying to pry, but I'm wondering what her disability is and how it affects her ability to function.

 

[Tom Skerritt]

Not trying to be a jerk, but of the people I've known to claim they have FM, all are kinda crazy. It's a chicken/egg condition that is somewhat controversial. Is it truly a pain condition that causes the symptoms, or is it the symptoms that cause the pain, or is it psychological issues that cause everything? No one knows. The one constant seems to be that those diagnosed with FM cannot maintain regular employment. And they are twice as likely to be female. It's got to be tough on all involved. Good luck!

 

[Beef Ravioli]

Is it possible for her to live with your mom?  What little money the sister has could go to some of your mom's expenses and mom could lighten up in her spending. 

 

[Chadstroma]

Not trying to be a jerk, but of the people I've known to claim they have FM, all are kinda crazy. It's a chicken/egg condition that is somewhat controversial. Is it truly a pain condition that causes the symptoms, or is it the symptoms that cause the pain, or is it psychological issues that cause everything? No one knows. The one constant seems to be that those diagnosed with FM cannot maintain regular employment. And they are twice as likely to be female. It's got to be tough on all involved. Good luck!

I don't know. All I can say is that before the whole FM thing she was always regularly employed and always did well in those jobs. One of those people that every time she left a job (which was not too often) the old employer would try to keep her. She does not lie to me or tell me half truths or anything alone those lines- so if it is not 'real' then it is something she really believes is real to the point it causes the pain etc. And I know she has significant pain during 'flare ups'.

 

[Chadstroma]

Is it possible for her to live with your mom?  What little money the sister has could go to some of your mom's expenses and mom could lighten up in her spending. 

Not enough room for a long term option. My mother has a two bedroom mobile home which she rents out the other room to my sisters X's uncle.

Too far for a short term option.

Right now, my sister is using my mothers car because she had to give the friends car back and my mom is not very mobile anyways.

 

[Chadstroma]

Can she do housekeeping or a nanny thing where she and the kids live on site? I'm not trying to pry, but I'm wondering what her disability is and how it affects her ability to function.

I would say because of the illness thing that she would not be very good as a housekeeper or nanny. There are times she can't do very much at all. Not sure anyone would want to pay for someone that at times just cant do what they are suppose to be doing.

 

[JoeSteeler]

Any chance she could move to AZ another climate that is better for her FM? I knew a guy that had it and moved there and his symptoms pretty much went away.

realize money is an issue but maybe you could take out a loan to get her moved and set up?

 

[jwb]

I don't know. All I can say is that before the whole FM thing she was always regularly employed and always did well in those jobs. One of those people that every time she left a job (which was not too often) the old employer would try to keep her. She does not lie to me or tell me half truths or anything alone those lines- so if it is not 'real' then it is something she really believes is real to the point it causes the pain etc. And I know she has significant pain during 'flare ups'.

This kind of answers the question of whether it's a legit disability. If the switch flipped like that, it's tough to doubt her. From the short reading I did on this, it sounds awful.

Hope it works out. 

 

[cstu]

Not enough room for a long term option. My mother has a two bedroom mobile home which she rents out the other room to my sisters X's uncle.

Too far for a short term option.

Right now, my sister is using my mothers car because she had to give the friends car back and my mom is not very mobile anyways.

Is it possible to have them all move in with you?

 

[tri-man 47]

When our kids were teenagers, we successfully picked up two different "beaters" (old, ugly - but reliable - cars) from the gas/repair station near us.  Maybe your sister could contact local shops and ask if they know of anything.  Our shop knew the history of the cars - they worked well, but were just beat up ...the owners just got tired of them (one needed brake work, but then was great).  

 

[NCCommish]

She has to move and reduce her cost of living. That's number one. The kids will live through a move and not being on the edge every minute will have to help her FM. The ex is toxic, kids not seeing him is for the best until he gets sober. 

Tough situation my friend. I wish your family all the best as you work through it.

 

[Chadstroma]

Is it possible to have them all move in with you?

Honestly, I believe it is a matter of time before that ends up happening for both my sister and mother.

 

[jonessed]

My little brother went through the exact same thing with a new car.  It's better to spend more to get something newer and reliable.  Hopefully from an independent seller, but use a dealer if you have to and make payments.  Old, crappy cars break down and end up costing more.  If you can't work on them yourself don't buy them.

 

[Zow]

Oof.  Things aren't THAT bad...

He didn't say Barstow or Bakersfield. 

 

[Ditkaless Wonders]

You stated her former employers all wanted her back.  Is there any chance that she could explain her circumstance to one of them and that they may accommodate her to an extent based upon past positive experience.  Maybe not the same job as in the past, but with something that would beat her current situation?

 

[Das Boot]

You stated her former employers all wanted her back.  Is there any chance that she could explain her circumstance to one of them and that they may accommodate her to an extent based upon past positive experience.  Maybe not the same job as in the past, but with something that would beat her current situation?

Great thought.

 

[NutterButter]

Was it mentioned how much she gets in disability?  Is there a cost of living adjustment if she moves?

 

[Chadstroma]

You stated her former employers all wanted her back.  Is there any chance that she could explain her circumstance to one of them and that they may accommodate her to an extent based upon past positive experience.  Maybe not the same job as in the past, but with something that would beat her current situation?

She hasn't worked in something close to 20 years- so she doesn't have any contact anymore. She went on disability and there was never a problem because her X did very well for a small construction company until going off the deep end.

 

[Chadstroma]

Was it mentioned how much she gets in disability?  Is there a cost of living adjustment if she moves?

Total is $1,700 a month. I have no idea about cost of living adjustments. I assume she gets social security disability.

 

[NutterButter]

Total is $1,700 a month. I have no idea about cost of living adjustments. I assume she gets social security disability.

Healthcare through medicaid?  Its tight living but doable provided she moves to a low cost of living area.  

 

[GROOT]

Bikes work good

 

[simey]

Honestly, I believe it is a matter of time before that ends up happening for both my sister and mother.

Is it possible that she and her kids can move in with you, and she could help you out with your childcare situation?

 

[Chadstroma]

Healthcare through medicaid?  Its tight living but doable provided she moves to a low cost of living area.  

No idea what insurance she is under. I am guessing Medi-Cal? I can't foresee her moving where there is no current friends or family. Most of our family is around where she is in the greater LA area. There is me in Chicago, and two Aunts- one in Alabama and the other in Nevada. Not sure if they have extended offers but I would be shocked if they would not. Not sure about Alabama one but the Nevada Aunt lives pretty far out from regular civilization so that might be rough with kids/school, etc. More of a retirement area that is about an hour from Vegas.

Is it possible that she and her kids can move in with you, and she could help you out with your childcare situation?

I think it is a matter of time myself but I know it is basically a last resort for her- just because I am so isolated from the rest of our family and her X's family (which are a good family and involved with the kids) and of course her friends and church. We also have 3 cars. The one that I could part with (1 is our primary family mover, the other is not really owned by us) and she could generally use, has a ton of miles on it and I am not sure it would be considered 'reliable' at this point. I wouldn't trust it to make the trip from Chicago to L.A. and I am not sure it is worth shipping there either. BUT, we do have three cars right now- and with savings from childcare could likely upgrade it before it starting give too much trouble. Having her here would be helpful in terms of her taking care of the little guy and shutting kids around etc. I could fix the basement into basically her and my nieces room. It would be workable and has it's advantages.

It was brought up a while back when she first had issues figuring out where to live. At that time it was a problem with the X and not really considered (he would not allow it). Him being MIA and I believe he is on his way to losing custody in court- that would be different. I told my mother last week when I was there, that she needed to stop spending money or she would have to sell her house and move in with me (not joking)- my sister half-jokingly said "we will all be living with you soon."

I sent her a couple of texts this morning. The last one read "I know you don't want to but maybe you should put real thought into moving in with us." No response yet.

 

[sports_fan]

Maybe I missed it but why does she need a car? That seems to be her #1 priority.

 

[Chadstroma]

Maybe I missed it but why does she need a car? That seems to be her #1 priority.

Kids basically.

I wouldn't say a car is her #1 priority. My sister is very much non-materialistic. When she had money she would not think twice on helping family. We are 6 years apart and I can't tell you how many times she helped me out or paid for things or whatever- never an issue. She doesn't spend money on things she doesn't need (with the one potential exception being a small dog she got for her and the kids a while ago.... but I think that is honestly about fighting depression and having the girls have a dog etc). Everything my sister does is about her girls and then secondarily about the family. She doesn't ask my mother for money and really hates asking anyone for help or money etc. In the OP I mentioned the X was fixing the car. The part he said he needed was just under $100. My sister asked me for the money, which was hard for her to do, because she really has never really asked me for money before.

If it wasn't for the kids- I could pretty much guarantee that she would go without a car.

On top of all of this.... our little brother was in a major motorcycle accident late Feb with a big rig. He has been in the hospital since. At first, was not sure he was going to survive, then not sure if he was going to be a vegetable, or have his vision, or be paralyzed, etc. He is going to survive and has been doing awesome in terms of recovery so far (more than I would expect for the brain trauma etc that he had). To the point that he is standing now. Talking. Posting on FB (as of a couple of days ago... the first posts were really scrambled.... now they are pretty coherent). My sister has been trying to get out to see him pretty much most days.

I flew out on Spirit Airlines to see him (if you know Spirit Airlines you know that kind of sucks). That is when I saw where my sister lived. It was pretty depressing/heart breaking for me to see that. One day at the hospital, I left her with my brother, asked for her keys and then took my nieces to the grocery store. I got them a bunch of groceries and filled up the car for her. I don't have the cash on that but I have the ability to make more money and cut expenses and pay off the debt (eventually- lol) but she is pretty much out of resources. I know the church has helped in the past. I have helped pay for my niece to go to a science camp last summer. Her best friend has helped here and there. Other family has helped (but overall, our family is pretty much ranging from poor to not quite middle class).

Overall, my sister is not one of those people who look for handouts to live better than she needs to. The kids don't get 'stuff' unless it is a gift from other family etc. She had to tell the girls last Christmas that there basically would be very little in as much as gifts (I am sure she would have been creative and made something for them for very little $) and a few of us got some money together so they could have a few gifts.

Sigh. My back went out on my when I was there with all the stress of my brother and my sister and oddly enough my mother (who usually is the one I am stressed about) was the least of my worries.

 

[Chadstroma]

She finally responded to my text of that she needs to really start thinking about saying "it is always in the back of my head". We did talk on the phone last night but it was all about updating me on my brother and some issues that they were having (essentially some doctors who apparently suck and the Hospital not following through on some things etc). We did not talk about the car situation or her coming. I had to get the kids in dinner/ready for bed, etc.

 

[Beef Ravioli]

Chad, what is your current situation (family,  job, finances)? It sounds like you all are a pretty tight family but as you stated no one seems to be in a situation where they could write a check and get your sister out of this tight situation.  

It seems inevitable that several of you (I am assuming you might be the most stable at this point) are going to have to pool your resources together.  This most certainly means living together and sharing transportation. 

I am not wanting this to sound like you are making excuses because I do not think that.  But there has been a lot of good ideas given in this thread and it doesn't sound like any of them are a solution.  

It may be getting close for you or someone insist that you all talk and get a game plan together.  Someone is probably going to have to move.  I know she is tying to protect your nieces but kids are resilient and I am sure they already know things are not right. In other words they will almost assuredly be alright in time.  

One thought I had - you have mentioned her church several times.  Do you think there may be someone in the church that she could rent from?  Several years ago we were in between jobs and also needed housing.  A church family basically told us we could live in their rental and pay the best we could.  We paid 800 a month (the best we could) in a house (not the nicest) that normally would have rented for 1200 a month.  We only stayed for six months but it got us through a tight time.  They basically told us whenever we could help someone or be a blessing in the future to do what we could.  Perhaps she could check with her pastor about something similar? 

Prayers that you have wisdom in this situation. 

 

[chet]

Fibromyalgia- which essentially makes it impossible to know when she can and can not work cause of when it flares up or not. She tried to do some data entry thing before at home but I forgot what happened with it- it wasn't working out.  

Not trying to make more problems for you, but IIRC, that's the "disease" that many doctors think is BS and many of the people who claim they have it are addicted to opiates.  Is it possible your sister is caught up in this?

 

[Chadstroma]

Chad, what is your current situation (family,  job, finances)? It sounds like you all are a pretty tight family but as you stated no one seems to be in a situation where they could write a check and get your sister out of this tight situation.  

It seems inevitable that several of you (I am assuming you might be the most stable at this point) are going to have to pool your resources together.  This most certainly means living together and sharing transportation. 

I am not wanting this to sound like you are making excuses because I do not think that.  But there has been a lot of good ideas given in this thread and it doesn't sound like any of them are a solution.  

It may be getting close for you or someone insist that you all talk and get a game plan together.  Someone is probably going to have to move.  I know she is tying to protect your nieces but kids are resilient and I am sure they already know things are not right. In other words they will almost assuredly be alright in time.  

One thought I had - you have mentioned her church several times.  Do you think there may be someone in the church that she could rent from?  Several years ago we were in between jobs and also needed housing.  A church family basically told us we could live in their rental and pay the best we could.  We paid 800 a month (the best we could) in a house (not the nicest) that normally would have rented for 1200 a month.  We only stayed for six months but it got us through a tight time.  They basically told us whenever we could help someone or be a blessing in the future to do what we could.  Perhaps she could check with her pastor about something similar? 

Prayers that you have wisdom in this situation. 

With me, we are tight right now mostly because we just had our third child in Dec and the childcare costs are just killing us. We are still working through some debt accumulated with me being out of work/grossly underemployed for a number of years during the Great Recession. Nothing we can't work through. We are running a bit in the red right now but that will be changing in the not too distant future with some changes with the kids school/childcare. Essentially, FIL will be paying for private school for our oldest, our middle will shift to part time to the private school which he will pay and then the youngest will be at home with the MIL. So, the payments right now that dwarf our mortgage payment will be reduced to just a fraction of that. That will free us up financially big time. But won't happen for a bit. Also, I am still making less than I could but hopefully that will change (working on it) soon and will help. We don't do a lot of discretionary spending. The big difference with me vs the rest of my family is that I can earn more (and will) where as the rest are pretty much on fixed income now.

I can't really force my sister to move in with me and I am not going to stop trying to help as I can if she doesn't want to. I have had a standing invite to her for years and as I noted above reiterated it with a bit of a push as well. Not sure what else I can do on that. I don't want her to feel like I am pressuring her to do it either. It would be hard enough for her to move (she moved to Northern Cali once back with her X when he started going thru his midlife crisis or whatever it was that seems to have culminated with drug abuse.... and that was hard on her.... let along to Chicago!)

My mother is a different story. I have told her that once her cash reserves get down too low that she will have to sell the home and move in with me. Because I control the money for my mom, I have more leverage with her. Plus, my mom makes her own situation worse by spending money here and there that she doesn't need to, etc. I have less sympathy for my mother because of that.

Again, in my view, it is only a matter of time before both my mom and sister end up moving in with me.

I know before when she found the place she is renting now that she did look to rent a room out. It is hard to find a situation where the host is ok with renting a room to a mother with two young girls and a place that could be considered safe for a single mother with two young girls. Not surprisingly, there were a couple of possibilities but they just did not work out.

 

[Chadstroma]

Not trying to make more problems for you, but IIRC, that's the "disease" that many doctors think is BS and many of the people who claim they have it are addicted to opiates.  Is it possible your sister is caught up in this?

Yea, I am aware that some think it is BS. I really don't know. I remember a long time ago wondering if it was BS because of reading some articles about the debate about it. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that it is either real or she believes it so strongly it is real to her.

She doesn't take any meds (can't afford to but best to my knowledge even when she could afford to, she didn't). I know she tried pot as a teenager but that was about it in as much as her history goes and she would never do anything to put the girls in harms way- she lives for those girls, everything she does is for them. She can barely handle a half a glass of the crappy fake wine. There really are no warning signs (even the ones we saw with her x and look back on and say 'oh'). So, I really can't say I see that as a possibility.

 

[Beef Ravioli]

Any update or new direction on this situation? 

 

[Rustoleum]

Not trying to make more problems for you, but IIRC, that's the "disease" that many doctors think is BS and many of the people who claim they have it are addicted to opiates.  Is it possible your sister is caught up in this?

Not trying to be salty, but I strongly disagree with this.

It may be over/wrongly diagnosed and there may very well be a great deal of "drug seekers" looking for pain meds who claim to have it, but if it is BS, then all kids with ADHD are just "bad", and alcoholism is a choice.

My wife has been diagnosed and dealing with it for a couple of years now (after almost a year of all kinds of tests, blood work, medicines, etc.) to try to find a cause for the immobilizing pain she experiences. They seem to have finally found a mix of meds that has her to where she can work 25 hours a week and not be in a medicinal haze on the couch all day,  but she had to give up working a full-time job she loved, and I have to do so all the extracurricular stuff with the kids as well as a greater share of the household stuff because she just physically can't.

 I am 100% certain she isn't faking all this in order to get her hands on some anti-anxiety meds and lyrica (none of which she was taking before this all started).

 

[Chadstroma]

Any update or new direction on this situation? 

Not much really. My mom letting my sister use her car has given me some breathing room to try to figure out the best solution. So a temporary solution.