My wife is really smart (1 Viewer)

[JNox3]

My mother-in-law was visiting us when we were living in Germany. She's been there for a week or so and we decide to go to another part of Germany and my wife makes the reservations at the hotel. My MIL is packing and she says to me "Do you think they'll have enough towels for us at the hotel?" I just couldn't figure out why they wouldn't have towels for us.

Another time on the same trip we were at this little town market. They sell food and different thing, all sorts of stuff. I can't remember what it was she wanted to buy but she's looking to buy something. So she walks up to this booth and asks them "Do you speak English?" The person says yes. My MIL turns to me and says "He speaks English". I turned to her and said "So do you. Ask him what you want?".

 

[joffer]

underrated thread

 

[mr roboto]

My ex didn't know what an aircraft carrier was. Try that one out on the ladies and report back.

Just did. 'Honey, what's an aircraft carrier?'

'A plane!'

'No, that would be an aircraft. So then what would an aircraft carrier be?'

'Something that carries a plane?'

'Yes. And what kind of thing would carry a plane?'

'A boat?'

'Yes, so what's an aircraft carrier?'

'A boat!!!'

 

[Marvin]

We were flipping back and forth last night between MNF and the NLCS. Now in all fairness my wife is not much of a baseball fan at all. But I played softball and both of our sons played little league and some HS baseball.

At one point in the baseball game somebody on the Giants hit one into the gap and headed for 2nd. I said "Nice double". The wife says "I never understood what that meant". I asked her what she meant. She said "A double. What's it mean?" Because I eventually want sex sometime in the near future I just said "It means he made it to second base. If he made it to third base on that hit it would be a triple." She just replied with "Oh."

 

[Angry Beavers]

This thread just crushed the last 1/2 hour or more..... most underrated thread in FFA history

 

[JNox3]

We were flipping back and forth last night between MNF and the NLCS. Now in all fairness my wife is not much of a baseball fan at all. But I played softball and both of our sons played little league and some HS baseball. At one point in the baseball game somebody on the Giants hit one into the gap and headed for 2nd. I said "Nice double". The wife says "I never understood what that meant". I asked her what she meant. She said "A double. What's it mean?" Because I eventually want sex sometime in the near future I just said "It means he made it to second base. If he made it to third base on that hit it would be a triple." She just replied with "Oh."

Good thing it wasn't a grand slam or home run!

 

[Run It Up]

my friends wife calls fantasy football, magic football. the lack of respect bothers me.

My wife calls my disc golf bag my 'Frisbee Purse'.

Good to know, I don't carry a bag and mock my brother all the time.

 

[mr roboto]

We were going to leave at 4am for a 5 day vacation during which we were going to go whitewater rafting. I had a very late day at work and my wife texted me asking if she should pack my clothes for me so I could go right to bed when I got home.

I called her and told her what I wanted. 6 pairs of socks, undies, a couple jeans etc. Then I tell her to pack my khaki cargo shorts (an old pair that I wanted to use rafting).

So she tells me she wrote it all down. I got home at like 10pm and didn't check the suitcase.

We get to the cabin we were renting and I'm unpacking. We had a rustic trip and weren't planning on going out to any nice places. As I get to the bottom of the suitcase I see a pair of my khaki work pants.

Me: 'Are we going out to a nice restaurant?'

Her: 'No. Why?'

Me: 'Because you packed my nicest pair of khaki work pants.'

Her: 'Oh. Remember, you wanted those for white water rafting!'

 

[McGarnicle]

My wife and I were hooked on the second incarnation of the show "V" which was canceled after 2 or 3 seasons. One night we're watching it and there is a scene with Anna, the emotionless alien leader played flawlessly by Morena Baccarin.

Wife: Is that lady a robot?

Me: What?!?!

Wife: Shut up! I thought maybe she was one of those machines or like computer generated or whatever. You know, so they don't have to pay actors.

Me:

Wife: Shut up!!!

 

[Disco Stu]

We were flipping back and forth last night between MNF and the NLCS. Now in all fairness my wife is not much of a baseball fan at all. But I played softball and both of our sons played little league and some HS baseball. At one point in the baseball game somebody on the Giants hit one into the gap and headed for 2nd. I said "Nice double". The wife says "I never understood what that meant". I asked her what she meant. She said "A double. What's it mean?" Because I eventually want sex sometime in the near future I just said "It means he made it to second base. If he made it to third base on that hit it would be a triple." She just replied with "Oh."

Good thing it wasn't a grand slam or home run!

Stu: "Home run!"GF: "Wait... wasn't that a grand slam??"Stu: "No..." :raiseseyebrow:GF: "But it went over the fence."Stu: "Yeah..." :raisesothereyebrow:GF: "I thought a home run is when they run around all the bases, and a grand slam goes over the fence."Stu: :slowblink: GF: "Oh yeah! A grand slam is when he hits it out of the stadium!"Stu: "You're so pretty."

 

[mr roboto]

Dumb GF comment = keep your damn mouth shut.

Dumb wife comment = what the hell do I have to lose?

 

[Disco Stu]

Dumb GF comment = keep your damn mouth shut.

She doesn't like it when I say this.

 

[mr roboto]

Dumb GF comment = keep your damn mouth shut.

She doesn't like it when I say this.

No, I mean...Ah, never mind.

 

[Marvin]

We were flipping back and forth last night between MNF and the NLCS. Now in all fairness my wife is not much of a baseball fan at all. But I played softball and both of our sons played little league and some HS baseball.

At one point in the baseball game somebody on the Giants hit one into the gap and headed for 2nd. I said "Nice double". The wife says "I never understood what that meant". I asked her what she meant. She said "A double. What's it mean?" Because I eventually want sex sometime in the near future I just said "It means he made it to second base. If he made it to third base on that hit it would be a triple." She just replied with "Oh."

Good thing it wasn't a grand slam or home run!

Stu: "Home run!"GF: "Wait... wasn't that a grand slam??"

Stu: "No..." :raiseseyebrow:

GF: "But it went over the fence."

Stu: "Yeah..." :raisesothereyebrow:

GF: "I thought a home run is when they run around all the bases, and a grand slam goes over the fence."

Stu: :slowblink:

GF: "Oh yeah! A grand slam is when he hits it out of the stadium!"

Stu: "You're so pretty."

That's a running joke between my wife and I. She'll even say it about herself. "Why won't the vacuum work? What the hell? Oh, I didn't plug it in. I'm pretty, right?"

 

[Marvin]

My wife and I were hooked on the second incarnation of the show "V" which was canceled after 2 or 3 seasons. One night we're watching it and there is a scene with Anna, the emotionless alien leader played flawlessly by Morena Baccarin.

Wife: Is that lady a robot?

Me: What?!?!

Wife: Shut up! I thought maybe she was one of those machines or like computer generated or whatever. You know, so they don't have to pay actors.

Me:

Wife: Shut up!!!

wtf

 

[Marvin]

My favorite was the late, great mojorizin.

IIRC his wife asked him if "King Kong" was a true story.

 

[Marvin]

Just remembered one my wife told on herself a few months back.

She was walking through the supermarket parking lot and saw a flyer taped to a light pole.

It said "LOST ENGAGEMENT RING AT VONS ON JUNE 15. CALL 555-1212 IF FOUND"

The wife says she read the flyer and then checked the asphalt just below the light standard in case the ring might be there.

 

[McGarnicle]

When we first started dating I used to love to play little jokes on her to test her gullibility. She would believe almost anything I said.

One night we were driving downtown.

Me: "Look, there's the state capitol." (she was new in town)

Her: "Who is the man on top of the dome?"

Me: "That's Famous Amos, the cookie dude."

Her: "Really??? Why is he on the capitol???"

Me: "Uh, he was really influential in this state."

(Pause)

Me:

Her: "What, it's not really him?!"

Me:

 

[gianmarco]

We're driving one morning and as we're making a turn, there's a group of protestors on the corner holding up signs. The largest one read:

"Legalize Cannabis"

My wife gets this horrified look on her face as we're making the turn.

Wife: "That's DISGUSTING!!!! That will never happen!!"

Me:

Wife: Oh........OH. Nevermind.

Me:

 

[mr roboto]

My wife is actually my college roommates' older sister (my roommates are twins, and were my best friends in college). So I married my college buddies' sister. Which makes for so many ways to play tricks on our spouses.

The BILs and I have an uncanny similarity when it comes to humor. We are all very nerdy and very smart, our wives are far better people than us but are not quite as smart.

We got back from dinner with my BIL and SIL. The four of us are in the car and a commercial comes on the radio for an AIDS benefit banquet in the area. My wife comments about how she has been reading a lot about AIDS in Africa and how bad it is etc. She gets interested in different topics and researches them a bit, but never really seems to do anything about them.

Me: "The real shame is that no one is doing anything about the even bigger epidemic."

Wife: "What do you mean?"

Me: "I thought you were researching the AIDS problem, right? Haven't you read about face AIDS?"

Wife: "What? Face AIDS?"

BIL (picking up on it): "Oh yea, it's even worse than regular AIDS!"

SIL: "I've never heard of it either."

BIL: "Regular AIDS is terrible, but face AIDS affects the face first. The person loses all the skin off the face."

Me: "Yea, and in Africa AIDS is so stigmatized that with face AIDS the person can't really hide the fact, so they often are ostracized or even killed before they can get treatment."

Wife: "That's horrible!"

This goes on for a few minutes, with the BIL and I crafting a whole differential diagnosis and symptoms and history of the evolution of the HIV virus etc. Hell, even I started to believe it.

We forgot about it until the next night, my wife is on the computer and turns to me with a look that could only be described as sheer violence.

Wife: "There is not such thing as face AIDS, is there!?!?!?!"

Me:

Wife:

 

[McGarnicle]

My wife is actually my college roommates' older sister (my roommates are twins, and were my best friends in college). So I married my college buddies' sister. Which makes for so many ways to play tricks on our spouses.The BILs and I have an uncanny similarity when it comes to humor. We are all very nerdy and very smart, our wives are far better people than us but are not quite as smart.We got back from dinner with my BIL and SIL. The four of us are in the car and a commercial comes on the radio for an AIDS benefit banquet in the area. My wife comments about how she has been reading a lot about AIDS in Africa and how bad it is etc. She gets interested in different topics and researches them a bit, but never really seems to do anything about them.Me: "The real shame is that no one is doing anything about the even bigger epidemic."Wife: "What do you mean?"Me: "I thought you were researching the AIDS problem, right? Haven't you read about face AIDS?"Wife: "What? Face AIDS?"BIL (picking up on it): "Oh yea, it's even worse than regular AIDS!"SIL: "I've never heard of it either."BIL: "Regular AIDS is terrible, but face AIDS affects the face first. The person loses all the skin off the face."Me: "Yea, and in Africa AIDS is so stigmatized that with face AIDS the person can't really hide the fact, so they often are ostracized or even killed before they can get treatment."Wife: "That's horrible!"This goes on for a few minutes, with the BIL and I crafting a whole differential diagnosis and symptoms and history of the evolution of the HIV virus etc. Hell, even I started to believe it.We forgot about it until the next night, my wife is on the computer and turns to me with a look that could only be described as sheer violence.Wife: "There is not such thing as face AIDS, is there!?!?!?!"Me: Wife:

Playing with their gullibility never gets old. And even 10 years in, my wife still falls for it.

 

[Marvin]

When we first started dating I used to love to play little jokes on her to test her gullibility. She would believe almost anything I said.

One night we were driving downtown.

Me: "Look, there's the state capitol." (she was new in town)

Her: "Who is the man on top of the dome?"

Me: "That's Famous Amos, the cookie dude."

Her: "Really??? Why is he on the capitol???"

Me: "Uh, he was really influential in this state."

(Pause)

Me:

Her: "What, it's not really him?!"

Me:

My brother pulled something like that on his ex-wife.

They were driving home and my brother noticed one of those fake owls they used to keep pigeons off of balconies and ledges etc. My brother says something like "I saw that owl sitting in that same spot yesterday." His wife says "maybe that's near his nest or something."

The next day they drive by again. My brother says "that owl is just sitting there again." The wife asks "Is it real?". My brother replies with "Of course it is real".

About the fourth day in a row his wife says "I'm pretty sure that owl is plastic or something." My bro says "Yeah, they put it up there to keep pigeons away or whatever." "YOU SAID IT WAS REAL!"

My brother says "It is real. We weren't imagining it."

They are no longer married.

 

[bagger]

Watching the game the other day, she asks me, "Why is that guy holding up a D and a fence? Never mind. I answered my own question". Tonight, I walk in on her using her computer. She's searching for amazon.com on Google.

this reminds me of my idea to start my twitter handle of @thingsmywifesays.a couple classics: out of the blue she says "did you know if you stretch out your intestines they can go to the moon?"bagger: bagger says "wow that thunder was really close to the lightning flash that must have been close". baggerwife: "those arent related you know"bagger: baggerwife: "well for all intensive purposes..."bagger: theres a few others that i cant think of but they usually start out with "this is going to sound dumb..."bagger:

 

[Tiger Fan]

My wife is actually my college roommates' older sister (my roommates are twins, and were my best friends in college). So I married my college buddies' sister. Which makes for so many ways to play tricks on our spouses.The BILs and I have an uncanny similarity when it comes to humor. We are all very nerdy and very smart, our wives are far better people than us but are not quite as smart.We got back from dinner with my BIL and SIL. The four of us are in the car and a commercial comes on the radio for an AIDS benefit banquet in the area. My wife comments about how she has been reading a lot about AIDS in Africa and how bad it is etc. She gets interested in different topics and researches them a bit, but never really seems to do anything about them.Me: "The real shame is that no one is doing anything about the even bigger epidemic."Wife: "What do you mean?"Me: "I thought you were researching the AIDS problem, right? Haven't you read about face AIDS?"Wife: "What? Face AIDS?"BIL (picking up on it): "Oh yea, it's even worse than regular AIDS!"SIL: "I've never heard of it either."BIL: "Regular AIDS is terrible, but face AIDS affects the face first. The person loses all the skin off the face."Me: "Yea, and in Africa AIDS is so stigmatized that with face AIDS the person can't really hide the fact, so they often are ostracized or even killed before they can get treatment."Wife: "That's horrible!"This goes on for a few minutes, with the BIL and I crafting a whole differential diagnosis and symptoms and history of the evolution of the HIV virus etc. Hell, even I started to believe it.We forgot about it until the next night, my wife is on the computer and turns to me with a look that could only be described as sheer violence.Wife: "There is not such thing as face AIDS, is there!?!?!?!"Me: Wife:

Playing with their gullibility never gets old. And even 10 years in, my wife still falls for it.

Same here. Can't wait to ask her tonight about the ones I've pulled on her in the past.

 

[Tiger Fan]

Back when we were dating, Mrs. TF was driving from NOLA to Baton Rouge one night...about a third of the way there, she calls me b/c she thinks she went the wrong way:

"I'm on my way back, but I think I ended up in downtown...I can see all the buildings to the side"

She was looking at one of these

 

[Idiot Boxer]

One time, listening to the radio in the car, I hear Mrs. Boxer singing along to "Ironic" by Alanis.

When it gets to the line, "A death row pardon, two minutes too late" my wife is singing something entirely different.

I looked a her,

IB: "Um... what?"

Mrs. IB. "He was supposed to have one of those visits as his last wish and couldn't get it up"

To her, it made perfect sense to sing, "A death row hard on, two minutes too late"

 

[Standing Hampton]

My wife is very smart, she got a 1540 on the sat, but can be forgetful, when we started dating she had a habit of leaving her car lights and running down the battery. Now, she just leaves the oven on. She has done this 20-30 in ou 18 years of marriage.

 

[flranger]

I will never forget my ex father in law who quipped this one to the ex MIL after a strong cold front hit Florida:

MIL: Wow, it's really cold outside, where did this cold front come from?

FIL: From the f'ing south (as he just shakes his head and goes back to watching TV)

 

[Beckster]

I know a girl who called her husband to tell him she was stuck in traffic and would be late. Come to find out she had missed her exit and followed an 18 wheeler off the interstate into a weigh station and was sitting in line to be weighed.

 

[Tiger Fan]

I know a girl who called her husband to tell him she was stuck in traffic and would be late. Come to find out she had missed her exit and followed an 18 wheeler off the interstate into a weigh station and was sitting in line to be weighed.

 

[sn0mm1s]

My parents moved to Washington after Randy Johnson had already left Seattle. I was visiting one week when Johnson was scheduled to be the opposing pitcher. After a news clip previewing the upcoming game my mom turns to me and says, with a grimace on her face, "What a horrible nickname, why on earth is he called The Big Eunuch?"

 

[shuke]

out of the blue she says "did you know if you stretch out your intestines they can go to the moon?"bagger:

Oh come on.

 

[KGB]

Face aids lol

 

[Frostillicus]

This afternoon I got home from work and my daughter asked me, "How do you say taco in Spanish" so I said it's just taco in both languages. Later when my wife got home my daughter counted to five in Spanish in front of us and my wife said, "It must be something they're doing at school, she's obsessed with Spanish lately." I mentioned how she asked me how to say taco and my wife said, "She asked me that one too. I had to google it."

 

[Tiger Fan]

My wife is an IT recruiter and from time to time she'll ask me if I know anyone who is an [insert position here] to network with. She calls me one day:

"Let me know if you know of any B.A.s, we have a need for those right now"

"OK, I think I know a guy who is a B.A. Baracus...do you think he'll qualify"

"Hmm...not sure if I've heard of that certification...I'll check and let you know"

[5 minutes later my phone rings]

"####### #######...everyone at work is laughing at me"

 

[Zegras11]

One time, listening to the radio in the car, I hear Mrs. Boxer singing along to "Ironic" by Alanis.When it gets to the line, "A death row pardon, two minutes too late" my wife is singing something entirely different.I looked a her,IB: "Um... what?"Mrs. IB. "He was supposed to have one of those visits as his last wish and couldn't get it up"To her, it made perfect sense to sing, "A death row hard on, two minutes too late"

I have a similar one...In the Elton John song, the line goes...."all the young girls love Alice"My wife sang it "all the young girls love violets" for years before I finally broke down and told her.

 

[shuke]

My wife is an IT recruiter and from time to time she'll ask me if I know anyone who is an [insert position here] to network with. She calls me one day:"Let me know if you know of any B.A.s, we have a need for those right now""OK, I think I know a guy who is a B.A. Baracus...do you think he'll qualify""Hmm...not sure if I've heard of that certification...I'll check and let you know"[5 minutes later my phone rings]"####### #######...everyone at work is laughing at me"

Rules.

 

[-jb-]

My wife is an IT recruiter and from time to time she'll ask me if I know anyone who is an [insert position here] to network with. She calls me one day:"Let me know if you know of any B.A.s, we have a need for those right now""OK, I think I know a guy who is a B.A. Baracus...do you think he'll qualify""Hmm...not sure if I've heard of that certification...I'll check and let you know"[5 minutes later my phone rings]"####### #######...everyone at work is laughing at me"

Rules.

putting it on my linkedin profile.

 

[the moops]

I have a similar one...In the Elton John song, the line goes...."all the young girls love Alice"My wife sang it "all the young girls love violets" for years before I finally broke down and told her.

I'm not sure how you had the courage to do such a thing

 

[Sarnoff]

My wife is an IT recruiter and from time to time she'll ask me if I know anyone who is an [insert position here] to network with. She calls me one day:"Let me know if you know of any B.A.s, we have a need for those right now""OK, I think I know a guy who is a B.A. Baracus...do you think he'll qualify""Hmm...not sure if I've heard of that certification...I'll check and let you know"[5 minutes later my phone rings]"####### #######...everyone at work is laughing at me"

Rules.

 

[TobiasFunke]

Had one just last night. During football season I run a cable wire extension out a second floor window and then back in through a first floor window, so I can watch multiple TVs. Yesterday the wife decided too much cold air was coming in the window and she wanted to seal it up until Sunday arrives.

Me: OK, makes sense. The extra cable wire is upstairs then?

Wife: No, it's downstairs.

Me: Why on earth would you do that?

Wife: What difference does it make? It's just as easy to reconnect it upstairs as downstairs, right?

Me: [incredulous, stare at her for 15 seconds]

Wife: Oh, #### you.

 

[shadyridr]

Big Eunich

Face AIDS

BA Baracus

 

[arrow1]

this thread=

 

[saintsfan]

My wife is very smart, but she has this thing where she gets things slightly wrong. Just gets mixed up enough to be funny. Sometimes I think she does it on purpose just to entertain me. Here is an example.

My wife watching that commercial with Eddie Money turns to me and says "Is that Meatball?"

Me:WHAT??

She: Ummm. Meat...........loaf??

Me: no, that's not Meatloaf and there is no Meatball

Disney is perhaps her favorite place to do this. For example, the Hoop De Doo Revue at Disney became the Dipitty Doo Da Revue. Teppan Edo became Teppan Elbows.

She's like Ringo. If I wanted to name an album or a song, all I'd have to do is right down some of this stuff.

 

[saintsfan]

Had one just last night. During football season I run a cable wire extension out a second floor window and then back in through a first floor window, so I can watch multiple TVs. Yesterday the wife decided too much cold air was coming in the window and she wanted to seal it up until Sunday arrives.Me: OK, makes sense. The extra cable wire is upstairs then?Wife: No, it's downstairs.Me: Why on earth would you do that?Wife: What difference does it make? It's just as easy to reconnect it upstairs as downstairs, right?Me: [incredulous, stare at her for 15 seconds]Wife: Oh, #### you.

 

[mr roboto]

My wife is an IT recruiter and from time to time she'll ask me if I know anyone who is an [insert position here] to network with. She calls me one day:"Let me know if you know of any B.A.s, we have a need for those right now""OK, I think I know a guy who is a B.A. Baracus...do you think he'll qualify""Hmm...not sure if I've heard of that certification...I'll check and let you know"[5 minutes later my phone rings]"####### #######...everyone at work is laughing at me"

Rules.

I don't get this one.

 

[Treynwreck3]

My wife is an IT recruiter and from time to time she'll ask me if I know anyone who is an [insert position here] to network with. She calls me one day:"Let me know if you know of any B.A.s, we have a need for those right now""OK, I think I know a guy who is a B.A. Baracus...do you think he'll qualify""Hmm...not sure if I've heard of that certification...I'll check and let you know"[5 minutes later my phone rings]"####### #######...everyone at work is laughing at me"

Rules.

I don't get this one.

Pity the fool!!

 

[mr roboto]

My wife is an IT recruiter and from time to time she'll ask me if I know anyone who is an [insert position here] to network with. She calls me one day:"Let me know if you know of any B.A.s, we have a need for those right now""OK, I think I know a guy who is a B.A. Baracus...do you think he'll qualify""Hmm...not sure if I've heard of that certification...I'll check and let you know"[5 minutes later my phone rings]"####### #######...everyone at work is laughing at me"

Rules.

I don't get this one.

Pity the fool!!

I googled, then loled.

 

[Marvin]

This afternoon I got home from work and my daughter asked me, "How do you say taco in Spanish" so I said it's just taco in both languages. Later when my wife got home my daughter counted to five in Spanish in front of us and my wife said, "It must be something they're doing at school, she's obsessed with Spanish lately." I mentioned how she asked me how to say taco and my wife said, "She asked me that one too. I had to google it."

 

[Marvin]

My wife is an IT recruiter and from time to time she'll ask me if I know anyone who is an [insert position here] to network with. She calls me one day:"Let me know if you know of any B.A.s, we have a need for those right now""OK, I think I know a guy who is a B.A. Baracus...do you think he'll qualify""Hmm...not sure if I've heard of that certification...I'll check and let you know"[5 minutes later my phone rings]"####### #######...everyone at work is laughing at me"

Rules.