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Need Some Funeral Etiquette Opinions (1 Viewer)

ChiefD

ChiefD

Footballguy
So here's the story. I had an aunt pass away unexpectedly on Saturday. The visitation is Friday night and the funeral is Saturday morning. I have an enormous extended family, and my brothers will be coming into town with their children.

I have 3 kids: 10, 8, and 5. The 8 year old had been invited to go to a hockey game with one of his friends from school. This would be his first ever hockey game, and he of course was pretty excited.

My wife and I are having a disagreement on his attendance at the visitation on Friday.

Me: We are a family, and this is one of those moments where the family goes together. He can miss the hockey game, because there will be other hockey games. It's important we show respect to the deceased and their family, and I want him to understand that there are things in life that are so important that you drop other things to make sure you are there.

Wife: We already committed to this other family that he would go, and they bought him a ticket (about $10, which we would reimburse). He is going to be at the funeral anyway on Saturday, so he should be able to go to this event. He is excited and has been looking forward to it.

Any thoughts? I can honestly see both sides of this argument, and I'm trying not to be steadfast in my argument if I am being ridiculous. Would appreciate any feedback on what you would do in this situation.

 
I think that it is not that big of a deal for an eight-year-old to miss a visitation like that for some other event. On the other hand, I don't know that a minor-league hockey game really qualifies as an important enough event to trump the visitation. I would probably skip the hockey game and try to find another date where you could take the friend.

 
I think it's fine to go to the game if he's attending the funeral. I wouldn't let him miss both.

 
Hockey game. He is 8. If my 12 year old had the same issue he is going to the hockey game. Visitation isn't an honor thing. The funeral is the place for honor and family.

 
I think your wife's reasoning is wrong that he committed already and bringing up a cost to the ticket. Sounds like her priorities are out of whack. I'm not saying that your son shouldn't go to the game, I mean the reason shouldn't be because he already said yes and the other family paid for the ticket. The reason should be that he really wants to go and it would be ok if he went to the funeral and not the viewing. Personally, i don't know why a child should have to look at an embalmed body if they're already going to a funeral. I'm an adult and I don't understand seeing an open casket.

 
The good news is that there isn't really a wrong answer here (as evidenced by you seeing both sides), as long as you and your wife work it through together respectfully.

 
This is meant as a sincere question: which one do you think your aunt would have said she would have wanted your son to do?

 
Let him go to the game. I never understood who I wake is actually for. If its for the grieving family, then its not going to matter that an 8 year old wasn't there. If its for people to say their last goodbyes, that's not going to matter to kids. I personally don't care for wakes. I go b/c I don't want to deal with the grief of others, but its one of those occasions where I wished I lived on the other side of the country.

 
On one hand, I don't see why the kids need to be at the visitation for a great-aunt. It could actually become a problem, since a lot of young children/cousins won't stand quietly with their game faces on for a long time. Better the kids come and pay respects then get taken back to someone's house to spend time together.

On the other hand, attending a hockey game is a rather weak excuse to miss the family event. The other family would certainly understand if he misses the game. No reason to worry about what they'd think.

If all the kid cousins will be at the visitation the whole time, then I'd bring your son as well. But if the kids will be hanging out somewhere or in a back room, then I'd let him go to the game if that's what HE wants.

 
tri-man 47 said:
On one hand, I don't see why the kids need to be at the visitation for a great-aunt. It could actually become a problem, since a lot of young children/cousins won't stand quietly with their game faces on for a long time. Better the kids come and pay respects then get taken back to someone's house to spend time together.

On the other hand, attending a hockey game is a rather weak excuse to miss the family event. The other family would certainly understand if he misses the game. No reason to worry about what they'd think.

If all the kid cousins will be at the visitation the whole time, then I'd bring your son as well. But if the kids will be hanging out somewhere or in a back room, then I'd let him go to the game if that's what HE wants.
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What's a good excuse? That's what this thread should be about b/c whatever it is, that's what you tell whoever asks at the wake.

 
I think the answer, in part, lies in the surviving relatives. Would they take solace and get comfort from seeing your son there? If so, he should probably go. If not, then it's whatever you and your wife decide.

By surviving relatives, I mean those who were closest to your aunt and presumably grieving the most because of her death.

 
Wakes are meaningless other than to provide a secondary date for some individuals if the funeral isn't convenient. You go, you cry, bring up a memory about the time Uncle Jimmy almost set the kitchen on fire on Thanksgiving, share a depressing laugh, and go home...Then go do it again a few days later at the funeral. Bring him to the funeral. Subjecting the youngin to 2 days of depression is unnecessary.

 
Unless they were particularly close to your aunt or there's some cultural thing involved, I wouldn't bring any of your kids to the wake.

 
I think it's fine for him to miss. However, then you shouldn't bring the other two kids, IMO. If you show up with the other two and he's not there, then that wouldn't look good to me.

So, if you can't not bring the other two, then he needs to be there.

ETA--Overall I think it's a weak excuse to not attend. If there's an expectation for your family to be there, then he should be there. That said, as others have pointed out, I think the funeral is enough for all the kids which is the main reason why I think it's ok for him and the other two children to not be there. Not because of the hockey game.

 
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ChiefD said:
So here's the story. I had an aunt pass away unexpectedly on Saturday. The visitation is Friday night and the funeral is Saturday morning. I have an enormous extended family, and my brothers will be coming into town with their children.

I have 3 kids: 10, 8, and 5. The 8 year old had been invited to go to a hockey game with one of his friends from school. This would be his first ever hockey game, and he of course was pretty excited.

My wife and I are having a disagreement on his attendance at the visitation on Friday.

Me: We are a family, and this is one of those moments where the family goes together. He can miss the hockey game, because there will be other hockey games. It's important we show respect to the deceased and their family, and I want him to understand that there are things in life that are so important that you drop other things to make sure you are there.

Wife: We already committed to this other family that he would go, and they bought him a ticket (about $10, which we would reimburse). He is going to be at the funeral anyway on Saturday, so he should be able to go to this event. He is excited and has been looking forward to it.

Any thoughts? I can honestly see both sides of this argument, and I'm trying not to be steadfast in my argument if I am being ridiculous. Would appreciate any feedback on what you would do in this situation.
Click to expand...
Your wife is very smart.

Otherwise, don't ask me about funeral etiquette. I always say the wrong thing like "these shoes are killing me". It's true.

ETA: I send the kid to the game and tell relatives he's in the finals of the National Spelling Bee.

 
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ChiefD said:
Me: We are a family, and this is one of those moments where the family goes together. He can miss the hockey game, because there will be other hockey games. It's important we show respect to the deceased and their family, and I want him to understand that there are things in life that are so important that you drop other things to make sure you are there.
Click to expand...
This is pretty much my view.

 
NutterButter said:
Let him go to the game. I never understood who I wake is actually for. If its for the grieving family, then its not going to matter that an 8 year old wasn't there. If its for people to say their last goodbyes, that's not going to matter to kids. I personally don't care for wakes. I go b/c I don't want to deal with the grief of others, but its one of those occasions where I wished I lived on the other side of the country.
Click to expand...
nobody cares for wakes
 
NorvilleBarnes said:
ChiefD said:
Me: We are a family, and this is one of those moments where the family goes together. He can miss the hockey game, because there will be other hockey games. It's important we show respect to the deceased and their family, and I want him to understand that there are things in life that are so important that you drop other things to make sure you are there.
Click to expand...
This is pretty much my view.
Click to expand...
I agree, but since he's going to the funeral on Saturday... I'd compromise and let him go to the game.

Curious if your wife would feel the same if it was her aunt that passed.

 
I wouldn't bring any of the 3 to the wake. Their attendance isn't reflective of your family's "respect". They're kids. Stop being a hardo.

 
The sense of social obligation needs to take a back seat when it comes to your kids. They'll have plenty of time later to come to terms with the brutal reality of mortality and the creepy ways humans process death. But its too heady for children. Youre way more likely to end up with kid with nightmares than somebody who was better off because they attended.

 
NutterButter said:
Let him go to the game. I never understood who I wake is actually for. If its for the grieving family, then its not going to matter that an 8 year old wasn't there. If its for people to say their last goodbyes, that's not going to matter to kids. I personally don't care for wakes. I go b/c I don't want to deal with the grief of others, but its one of those occasions where I wished I lived on the other side of the country.
Click to expand...
With my rather large family, the tradition has been that the wake is for everyone, family, friends, people who want to support their frinds when they lose someone, well wishers, community people that were touched or want to pay their respects. The funeral is for the family who then all get together for the repast. Very few people that aren't family are ever at the funeral or repast.

 
Ned said:
NorvilleBarnes said:
ChiefD said:
Me: We are a family, and this is one of those moments where the family goes together. He can miss the hockey game, because there will be other hockey games. It's important we show respect to the deceased and their family, and I want him to understand that there are things in life that are so important that you drop other things to make sure you are there.
Click to expand...
This is pretty much my view.
Click to expand...
I agree, but since he's going to the funeral on Saturday... I'd compromise and let him go to the game.

Curious if your wife would feel the same if it was her aunt that passed.
Click to expand...
I asked her that same question. She paused before answering: I'd let him go to the game.

Here's the thing: our family is a large family and very close. There will be a ton of family, kids included, at this thing. They are having it at the church, which has a Catholic Club right next door. For those that don't know, this is basically a Catholic bar with bowling alley's, food, beer, etc. My guess is a large group will end up there after the visitation. Which means the kids will all be playing together. Some of their cousins they don't see but once or twice a year will be there.

My aunt was one of those people who would not want to see people sad and mope around. She is the type that would want people to celebrate life, and I'm sure there will be plenty of stories being told. And my uncle and cousin would be happy to see my kids.

I appreciate all the responses, I really do. Thank you.

Edit to add: all three of my kids have been to my grandparents funerals, with open casket and everything. They have been exposed to death and are not traumatized. We have always treated death as a part of life, and they are ok with what it means.

 
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Hockey game

Get a sitter for the 10 and 5 year old kids.

Spend the time with your wife, kid free, actually being able to talk to family and support your extended family instead of having to tend and watch over your kids.

Your family will be together and show support at the funeral.

 
I wouldn't have my kids going in the first place so being at a hockey game instead of with a sitter would not be an issue.

Hell, I'd be trying to find a way to get out of it myself, I hate hese things.

When I go its either no service at all or a joint BBQ / Viking funeral pyre at sea... not sure which way I'm leaning yet.

:( :sadbanana: :no: :thumbdown: :tebow: :violin: :hot: /-@

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:welcome: :devil: :stirspot: :own3d:

 
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ChiefD said:
Ned said:
NorvilleBarnes said:
ChiefD said:
Me: We are a family, and this is one of those moments where the family goes together. He can miss the hockey game, because there will be other hockey games. It's important we show respect to the deceased and their family, and I want him to understand that there are things in life that are so important that you drop other things to make sure you are there.
Click to expand...
This is pretty much my view.
Click to expand...
I agree, but since he's going to the funeral on Saturday... I'd compromise and let him go to the game.

Curious if your wife would feel the same if it was her aunt that passed.
Click to expand...
I asked her that same question. She paused before answering: I'd let him go to the game.

Here's the thing: our family is a large family and very close. There will be a ton of family, kids included, at this thing. They are having it at the church, which has a Catholic Club right next door. For those that don't know, this is basically a Catholic bar with bowling alley's, food, beer, etc. My guess is a large group will end up there after the visitation. Which means the kids will all be playing together. Some of their cousins they don't see but once or twice a year will be there.

My aunt was one of those people who would not want to see people sad and mope around. She is the type that would want people to celebrate life, and I'm sure there will be plenty of stories being told. And my uncle and cousin would be happy to see my kids.

I appreciate all the responses, I really do. Thank you.

Edit to add: all three of my kids have been to my grandparents funerals, with open casket and everything. They have been exposed to death and are not traumatized. We have always treated death as a part of life, and they are ok with what it means.
Click to expand...
Sounds like you're raising a great family. Sorry about your aunt, GB. :(

 
What's with some of you thinking a funeral would traumatize or otherwise ruin a childhood?!?! Some weird fears around that.

 
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