Parenting teen boy problem. Please advise. (1 Viewer)

[Dedfin]

Guys by responding to the ignorable you are ruining clowns cars thread. Ignore it for her sake please thanks.

 

[Hot Diggity Dog]

sounds like a mostly normal kid with normal kid issues.  

I think the punishments you set out were decent just have to enforce them. 

I think kids and teenagers need as much engagement as possible.  if he loves his job like you are saying I would go to bat for him with the employer, ask for another chance for him and offer to meet any reasonable redress the employer wants, and have him do the same thing either with you or on his own.  learning how to regain respect and trust could be a great lesson for him.  with my own kids I find it hard sometimes to temper justice with mercy, if you get my meaning.  always a struggle but I want my kids looking forward with high expectations for themselves and not dragged down by to much negativism from myself or others, like way to harsh punishment etc., with an understanding that you want to succeed but do it with a good moral code intact.

 

[Angry Beavers]

Teenage boys can be a rough road. You did well to stick to your guns and enforce a consequence.  Kids also do stupid stuff. Make it bad enough and he wont do that again. 

Good luck and ignore the troll. 

 

[parasaurolophus]

I think OP is overreacting.  The stealing was stupid & embarrassing, but I think he learned his lesson.  It was impulsive, a cheap pair of headphones that did seem unused.  Obviously, it was wrong, and he knows it.  The cheating at school.  Meh...  Everybody does / did it.  Look at the bright side, he held his educational responsibility in such a high regard that he would do whatever it takes to make sure the task is accomplished.  Sure he went about it the wrong way, but it's much better than just blowing it off completely.

Maybe try some positive reinforcement instead of negative.  Like as long as he doesn't steal anything for a month you will take him to an arcade.  Or, if he doesn't cheat all semester you will take him to Chuck-E-Cheese

I so want this to be a real post.

Chuck e cheese,

 

[wikkidpissah]

the thread has gotten tldr, so i dunno. i have so much admiration for you, clowncar, that i feel almost unworthy to advise and know you really must be at a loss here to even ask. my advice is to show your boy some kind of way that you can shut him down so he'll know that consequences are real, then be real str8up telling him he needs to show you that he can control his impulses before you let up on him and, finally, i've got to imagine that, even tho the necessities of your amazing fam gives him plenty of contact with helping & cooperation, that any consequence be in the aiding-less-fortunate vein to make it all real AF. GL -

 

[Kanil]

My advice: Sleep with his dad.

 

[GregR]

I don't know what advice to give CC. I don't think I can relate to your son enough to say what might have worked with me in such a situation. But have long enjoyed hearing tales of clowns and cars from you and admire what you've done raising your family.  Hope it works out for the best.

 

[Clown Car]

It’s been a long day. I’ve read all the replies and thank you all so much for the encouragement, advice, well wishes. We are at his workplace right now. He’s meeting with his boss but didn’t want me to come in. I did tell him if she fires him, which she has every right to, about his future and not omitting it in any official capacity later. He seemed to get it. I told him his lying, cheating and now stealing has gotten him caught every time, unless he’s not getting caught all the time and the few times he gets caught make it worth it. I asked him if I catch him enough or not all the time. He said he’s been caught every time. I asked what do you think that means? He said that I’m really smart. Which I am, but I said no. It’s just not worth it and I don’t believe a word he says. Is that really the relationship he wants us to have??

anyway, he just came out and told me the two co owners sat down with him and gave him a firm talking to and said they require him to perform 10 volunteer service hours at one of three places they picked out. So he said he was very very sorry and ask that it not be held against his siblings that work there or will in the future. 

 

[Clown Car]

Curiously, why was your husband/his Dad being kept in the dark here at first?

Partially because he’s been busy and I didn’t want to burden him with it. Partially to protect my sons image in his father’s eyes. He was so hurt and disappointed when we talked about it last night. 

 

[hagmania]

It’s been a long day. I’ve read all the replies and thank you all so much for the encouragement, advice, well wishes. We are at his workplace right now. He’s meeting with his boss but didn’t want me to come in. I did tell him if she fires him, which she has every right to, about his future and not omitting it in any official capacity later. He seemed to get it. I told him his lying, cheating and now stealing has gotten him caught every time, unless he’s not getting caught all the time and the few times he gets caught make it worth it. I asked him if I catch him enough or not all the time. He said he’s been caught every time. I asked what do you think that means? He said that I’m really smart. Which I am, but I said no. It’s just not worth it and I don’t believe a word he says. Is that really the relationship he wants us to have??

anyway, he just came out and told me the two co owners sat down with him and gave him a firm talking to and said they require him to perform 10 volunteer service hours at one of three places they picked out. So he said he was very very sorry and ask that it not be held against his siblings that work there or will in the future. 

Mhm.

 

[Henry Ford]

Partially because he’s been busy and I didn’t want to burden him with it. Partially to protect my sons image in his father’s eyes. He was so hurt and disappointed when we talked about it last night. 

I would start here.

He's not the only one trying to convince people he's better than he thinks he is.

 

[Clown Car]

I would start here.

He's not the only one trying to convince people he's better than he thinks he is.

I hear you. You’re not wrong. I do try to protect everyone from unpleasantness. Except the unpleasantness I give them myself. But yes. I do try to shield and deflect negativity in the family. 

 

[Henry Ford]

I hear you. You’re not wrong. I do try to protect everyone from unpleasantness. Except the unpleasantness I give them myself. But yes. I do try to shield and deflect negativity in the family. 

I'm sure.  You're trying to protect everyone.  Hell, you probably feel like you're doing him a huge favor.

Some people feel like that means being themselves isn't enough.  It doesn't mean that's what you mean by it, it means that's how some people take it.  He might not.  He might.

 

[TheDirtyWord]

Partially because he’s been busy and I didn’t want to burden him with it. Partially to protect my sons image in his father’s eyes. He was so hurt and disappointed when we talked about it last night. 

Parenting is tough...no roadmap for it.  No right/wrong way to do it...just do it the best you can and then cross your fingers.

I think at times, you can vet out discipline 1:1.  But for smaller transgressions.  Not sure this is a pattern, but protecting his image likely should have been deprioritized for what could be constituted as a misdemeanor.  In some ways, your son subtlety negotiated the consequences of his actions.  And when both parents are involved in a situation like that, I find it has a 1+1=3 effect.

Listen - kids f up.  And when they do, we feel like it’s a reflection on us because we wonder what we did wrong for our son/daughter to think their action(s) were acceptable.  But part of parenting particularly at this stage of their lives (and with 3 olders, you know this already) is letting take responsibility for their own journey...and providing guidance/structure as best you can.

So long as they live under your roof, eat your food and sleep in the bed you provide...you make the rules and it’s OK to do so on the fly.  And sometimes big moves have an impact...a few years ago I took a hammer to my daughters phone in front of her.  She was without it for close to 3 months as she had to earn money doing chores around the house to earn enough money to get a new one (and actually, she got my wife’s used one...wifey got the new one).  Years later, I know for a fact that incident and shock is remembered.

 

[Punxsutawney Phil]

TLDR - it's not his fault it's biology

Many parents do not understand why their teenagers occasionally behave in an impulsive, irrational, or dangerous way. At times, it seems like teens don't think things through or fully consider the consequences of their actions. Adolescents differ from adults in the way they behave, solve problems, and make decisions. There is a biological explanation for this difference. Studies have shown that brains continue to mature and develop throughout childhood and adolescence and well into early adulthood.

Scientists have identified a specific region of the brain called the amygdala that is responsible for immediate reactions including fear and aggressive behavior. This region develops early. However, the frontal cortex, the area of the brain that controls reasoning and helps us think before we act, develops later. This part of the brain is still changing and maturing well into adulthood.

Other changes in the brain during adolescence include a rapid increase in the connections between the brain cells and making the brain pathways more effective. Nerve cells develop myelin, an insulating layer that helps cells communicate. All these changes are essential for the development of coordinated thought, action, and behavior.

Changing Brains Mean that Adolescents Act Differently From Adults

Pictures of the brain in action show that adolescents' brains work differently than adults when they make decisions or solve problems. Their actions are guided more by the emotional and reactive amygdala and less by the thoughtful, logical frontal cortex. Research has also shown that exposure to drugs and alcohol during the teen years can change or delay these developments.

Based on the stage of their brain development, adolescents are more likely to:

act on impulse

misread or misinterpret social cues and emotions

get into accidents of all kinds

get involved in fights

engage in dangerous or risky behavior

Adolescents are less likely to:

think before they act

pause to consider the consequences of their actions

change their dangerous or inappropriate behaviors

These brain differences don't mean that young people can't make good decisions or tell the difference between right and wrong. It also doesn't mean that they shouldn't be held responsible for their actions. However, an awareness of these differences can help parents, teachers, advocates, and policy makers understand, anticipate, and manage the behavior of adolescents.

 

[Beef Ravioli]

@Clown Car did the boy get let go? I was hoping for a suspension or something but to give him another chance. Either way, I pray he is willing to learn and grow from it! 

 

[Clown Car]

@Clown Car did the boy get let go? I was hoping for a suspension or something but to give him another chance. Either way, I pray he is willing to learn and grow from it! 

He didn’t get fired. They gave him a firm talking to about being so disappointed in him. Then told him to make up for his bad action he had to serve 10 hours volunteering at the senior citizen center or the animal shelter or our old theater. And he has to go to work and look them in the eye knowing they know what he did. He accepted it well. 

Hes still chomping at the bit at home though. Constantly pleading for his computer back to play his game. I’m resolute though. Not til he gets his classes done. He’s scheduled to have them done by May 31. He could do it sooner if he would work on them as much as he played games or bothers me about it. 

 

[SWC]

good for you clowncar keep being an awesome mom it is tough now but he will appreciate it a great deal later on for sure 

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

The Groundhog Dude is right.  Some teens do stupid things just because they are teens.  If you get a lot of "I don't know" answers, ask questions that cannot be answered in that way.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

The video game thing here is already out of control for all of them. 4-11(ages 15-2). It’s out of hand. I don’t know what to do at this point. All of us really. While I don’t play games I’m on my phone texting or chatting or reading all freaking day. 

I know what to do here, but I doubt you'll like the answer.  Stop using your phone for this stuff.  I seriously doubt any of your kids shoud be using electronic stuff for more than an hour a day.  Get library cards and outdoor games.  Using all those electronic devices and playing those games re-wires your brain.  Some of the research is pretty scary.  Kids are especially vulnerable because their brains are still forming.

I know how much you love your kids.  Your best bet is to be on the same page as your partner and work as a team.  He may need to be more present in their lives.