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POLL: Should Daughter Leave Husband Behind For Grad School? (1 Viewer)

Chicago (4 hrs away), NYC (14 hrs away), or Stay Local?

  • Chicago Only since its relatively close

    Votes: 6 7.3%
  • Either City should be considered

    Votes: 60 73.2%
  • No, go to school locally

    Votes: 16 19.5%

  • Total voters
    82

Rattle and Hum

Footballguy
We raised our two kids in a small town. Our daughter has always wanted to live in a big city after visiting NYC when she was 14 and 16. That desire has not waned and it seems to be a big deal for her. She got married early (20) just before her and hubby's senior year in college. They have since graduated and he has a year under his belt at a decent job but not the location they would like or the career path he would like (software developing vs his BS in Actuarial Sciences). Daughter was accepted to Columbia (14 hours from husband) and Loyola-Chi (4 hours away) for MSW. Her hubby is not having an easy time getting a position in either city so, daughter faced with a very tough decision as she has to announce intentions soon. They live in the city they received their BA and BS degrees (Big 10 town).

I'm worried about the relationship if she leaves for 17/21 months to chase her masters in SW in a big city. Then again, I'm old and realize that their generation has tools for staying close that I didn't have when I was their age.The relationship is reportedly "very good" and husband reportedly "supports her". Any experiences or advice welcome. I'll likely share the thread with her.

 

[scooter]

Footballguy
We raised our two kids in a small town. Our daughter has always wanted to live in a big city after visiting NYC when she was 14 and 16. That desire has not waned and it seems to be a big deal for her. She got married early (20) just before her and hubby's senior year in college. They have since graduated and he has a year under his belt at a decent job but not the location they would like or the career path he would like (software developing vs his BS in Actuarial Sciences). Daughter was accepted to Columbia (14 hours from husband) and Loyola-Chi (4 hours away) for MSW. Her hubby is not having an easy time getting a position in either city so, daughter faced with a very tough decision as she has to announce intentions soon. They live in the city they received their BA and BS degrees (Big 10 town).

I'm worried about the relationship if she leaves for 17/21 months to chase her masters in SW in a big city. Then again, I'm old and realize that their generation has tools for staying close that I didn't have when I was their age.The relationship is reportedly "very good" and husband reportedly "supports her". Any experiences or advice welcome. I'll likely share the thread with her.
He might end up resenting her if she goes, but she will definitely end up resenting him if she stays.

 

bigmarc27

Footballguy
When my wife went back to grad school, we rented our home and moved into a rental.  I don’t see how a marriage can make it through not being together for that much time personally. 

We’re in our 30s and had been married 6 or so years at the time. 

 
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17 to 21 months, huh.  

At 50, to me that no longer seems very long, but in my early 20's, it was not an insignificant amount of time. This is a tough call, imo. I know you said that their relationship is very good - and that the husband is supportive - and like you, I'm not familiar enough with current tech to fully understand how it could make this easier.

However, from an old-tech perspective, I believe that a 4 hour drive is very do-able - provided there is no $ issues, transportation issues or restricted travel time issue.

If they could see each other every week-end for that 17 - 21 months, I would wager in favor of things working out in the long run. The less often they could accomplish this, the lower the odds would become, imo.

I'm not really sure where the "even" odds would be.

I listen and think.

GL

 

Long Ball Larry

Footballguy
If the husband has a only a “decent” job and is not living where he wants to live, what exactly is the reason for not moving?        If it’s something they both want for her and there are seemingly no major ties to the current location, what is the drawback to moving?  And why would he have to be resigned to staying there for the duration?  From the info provided, I guess I don’t really see why it is that important for him to stay.

 

eoMMan

Footballguy
They should be together wherever it is. Like others noted, maybe he can further his career and be happier in the long run. 

Personally, if I was in his shoes, i would make it clear to her that NYC isn't my favorite place and once her schooling is done, we should move some place else that we both like.

Before they got married, did he know she dreamed of living in a big city? Kinda of silly to marry someone like that if you know you'll hate living in the city.

 

ConnSKINS26

Footballguy
It's not a tough call imo, if they can swing it financially. She got into Columbia and he isn't working a job he cares about or even in his ideal field. And they're 20 with no kids. Move to NY. Done.

Edit: If she thinks she might love living in NY and it won't be temporary, and he's never wanted to live in a big city...well, they need to have a bigger conversation. And at their young age without kids, it's the perfect time to re-evaluate whether they want the same things. Getting married before even graduating college was impulsive--they have a chance to make sure this next step isn't. But neither should compromise if they envision totally different lifestyles/futures.

 
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eoMMan

Footballguy
And if she was already accepted to Columbia, they didn't talk about this already?

Was she applying behind his back?

 

Rattle and Hum

Footballguy
If the husband has a only a “decent” job and is not living where he wants to live, what exactly is the reason for not moving?        If it’s something they both want for her and there are seemingly no major ties to the current location, what is the drawback to moving?  And why would he have to be resigned to staying there for the duration?  From the info provided, I guess I don’t really see why it is that important for him to stay.
He makes about $55k, I think. Not huge for two peeps but not chump change in my world. Personally, I'd want the two of them to make 70k to absorb 30k/yr of school and higher COL. Good point about things working out for him eventually in the city she chooses.

 
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If the husband has a only a “decent” job and is not living where he wants to live, what exactly is the reason for not moving?        If it’s something they both want for her and there are seemingly no major ties to the current location, what is the drawback to moving?  And why would he have to be resigned to staying there for the duration?  From the info provided, I guess I don’t really see why it is that important for him to stay.
Good question, Larry.

It's this kinda response that makes me glad I have not voted yet.

👍

 

ffldrew

Footballguy
Why would you do the actuarial job anyway that crap sucks- take the Statistics/Actuarial knowledge and the software experience and get into Data Analytics - $$$$$.

What kind of "software" stuff is he doing right now? I bet if he applied himself with a couple of online classes on Cloud Analytics he could find something in NYC pretty quick. Heck my company may have something.

 

Long Ball Larry

Footballguy
He makes about $55k, I think. Not huge for two peeps but not chump change in my world. Personally, I'd want to he two of them to make 70k to absorb 30k/yr of school and higher COL. Good point about things working out from him eventually in the city she chooses.
Yeah I guess the financial question did cross my mind.  I assume she will have some financial aid?  I guess I would say that it seems like there are a number of if/then steps they could try to plan for with the goal of him getting to NYC or closeby within a certain period of time.  It sounds like they eventually want something different from what they have now and moving seemingly gets them closer to that goal and working on this together would probably strengthen their relationship. I think that long distance relationships can work depending on the people, though I do wonder about two people who get married so young then being apart that long early on.  Not saying it can’t work out and obviously I don’t know anything about them.  Just seems like a situation that could be dangerous.  

 

shadyridr

Footballguy
He's looking for a job in Actuarial? What kind of experience does he have? Does he have a resume?

 
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Yes, but decision time is nigh  He's been working Chicago market for a month. 6 years ago Actuary Sciences was a hot market per "job outlook". Once everyone found out they were getting paid $90k with a BS the market seemingly became flooded.
How large of a "radius" is he searching?

For example: I think the 4 hour trip to Chi is doable - but 2 would be better than 4.

Similarly, is he looking with-in a 4 hour radius of NYC?

And if 4 hours seems too long - what do they/you think would be the max do-able radius?

The wider the radius, the more likely to find a job - even if it is  not the dream job or final job.

 
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-OZ-

Footballguy
When my wife went back to grad school, we rented our home and moved into a rental.  I don’t see how a marriage can make it through not being together for that much time personally. 

We’re in our 30s and had been married 6 or so years at the time. 
Yeah, close to 2 years at one time is tough. 

Only including the times of a month or more, my wife and I have been / will be (she's 4 hours away right now) apart just over 3 years, but that's over a 20 year marriage.  You can make it work, but you need to make it work. 

If he's not in his career gig, he needs to be supportive. But she also needs to talk with him. 

 

Rattle and Hum

Footballguy
He's looking for a job in Actuarial? What kind of experience does he have? Does he have a resume?
I'm sure he has a resume. He graduated from MSU in 2018 and went to work for Auto Owners shortly after. Has 3 or 4 actuarial tests passed...no practical actuarial experience yet. Both were smart kids that got to MSU with a year of credits from HS. You in the field, Shady?

 

shadyridr

Footballguy
I'm sure he has a resume. He graduated from MSU in 2018 and went to work for Auto Owners shortly after. Has 3 or 4 actuarial tests passed...no practical actuarial experience yet. Both were smart kids that got to MSU with a year of credits from HS. You in the field, Shady?
Actuary working for a huge insurance company in NJ. I can check what openings we have on Monday. As a matter of fact I think my team has an opening although not sure what level it is. 

 
to chase her masters in SW in a big city.
I may have missed this earlier, R&H. Is this a Masters in Social Work - or does MSW stand for something else? I have not been involved in any university settings since 2009, and I may be misunderstanding.

The reason I ask: I understand the appeal of Columbia; but, what is the "relative' difference between Col & Loy in relation to her specific program?

The answer to that, may influence things if I were in your daughter's position.

However, after reading all posts again, and thinking - wow - 20's - young - no kids - all this is pulling me more and more towards the opinions that suggest both moving and letting him wait tables or do something similar until he can find something in his field.

Still have not voted. Good info comin in all the time.

 
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tri-man 47

Footballguy
I lean strongly for Chicago.  [Full disclosure: I work for a smaller Catholic university in the near-west suburbs of Chicago.  We also have an MSW program, which my daughter completed four years ago (now working for the Alzheimer's Association downtown.]  Your daughter and SIL are midwesterns, so staying in the midwest makes sense.  If nothing else, they're both used to midwest culture/pace/values.  Also, her MSW contacts will generally be in the midwest, and specifically in Chicagoland, which is a very large job market.  The 4 hour distance is manageable for weekends and school breaks. And really, while she's in school, her nights and weekends will be tied up with a lot of studying anyway.  That could be frustrating to him - he comes home from work, ready to relax, and she disappears for a night class or a few hours of studying.  If their relationship is strong, they'll get through it.  BTW, I have a lot of respect for Loyola and its programs and reputation.

Your daughter and SIL don't want to wake up in several years, stuck in a rut, and living with regrets.  Pursue the degree (in a field that is 'hot' and in high need), and do so relatively close to home.

And has your SIL tried the public accounting firms, who use all sorts of specialized skillsets?  Only about 50% of the CPA firms' staff are CPAs.

 

Jobber

Footballguy
Fix your poll, my man. Until the I abstain.

hint: add the “Go to NYC or regret it for life, end up divorced and in therapy” option.

 

Plaid Boxer

Footballguy
IMO they can't pass up an opportunity for her to go to Columbia.  They need to think long term and that is a school that can set her career up much better than the other options.
This is it right here. No decent employer is going to care he took 2 years ‘off’ to support his wife for her education. They are over thinking this big time. 

My BIL did something very similar and 20 years later that couple is living on easy street. 

 

parasaurolophus

Footballguy
Is a masters of social work at columbia something that you get your money back on?

What does your daughter want to do? 

Seems like one of the bad investment degrees we often hear about. Especially if getting it before having a job. 

 

Otis

Footballguy
Columbia—no brainer. It turns out NYC has a few jobs available, I’m sure he’ll find something. 

 

BassNBrew

IBL Representative
Columbia—no brainer. It turns out NYC has a few jobs available, I’m sure he’ll find something. 
Voted c because they should both move together and then school is local. Getting married was a poor decision if she was planning on grad school and he wasn’t going to move with her. 

 

The_Man

Footballguy
No. 1 - once she makes a decision, support it and do everything you can to help her make it a successful one. There is no “right” answer to a question like this and I’ve found any decision can be the right one if - once it’s made - you commit to making it work and don’t waste time and energy second-guessing. 

No. 2 - $$. How much more expensive is Columbia than Loyola, including not just tuition but also cost of living? It might mean decades of additional debt. Is that worth it to them?

No. 3 - Career goals. Where do grads of both programs end up living and what kind of jobs do they get? How do graduates’ outcomes align with her career plans?

 

bigbottom

I put on my robe and wizard hat
Lots of good input already in this thread. I’ll just mention that I grew up a military brat and there are tens of thousands of military marriages where husband and wife spend significant time apart during their 20s. It’s doable if they are committed.  In my opinion, they should be thinking about the long term. Where would they like to end up once she is finished with school?  How can he best advance in his career while she is in grad school?  

 

Johnny Rock

Footballguy
All the poll choices include more school. Skip grad school and just work for a while to gain experience and build the marriage. If that means moving to NY to follow a dream, then do that. It helps since it seems they don’t have kids yet.

Why the rush for more school and presumably more debt? Masters is over rated imo in many instances. 

 

SaintsInDome2006

Footballguy
Rattle and Hum said:
We raised our two kids in a small town. Our daughter has always wanted to live in a big city after visiting NYC when she was 14 and 16. That desire has not waned and it seems to be a big deal for her. She got married early (20) just before her and hubby's senior year in college. They have since graduated and he has a year under his belt at a decent job but not the location they would like or the career path he would like (software developing vs his BS in Actuarial Sciences). Daughter was accepted to Columbia (14 hours from husband) and Loyola-Chi (4 hours away) for MSW. Her hubby is not having an easy time getting a position in either city so, daughter faced with a very tough decision as she has to announce intentions soon. They live in the city they received their BA and BS degrees (Big 10 town).

I'm worried about the relationship if she leaves for 17/21 months to chase her masters in SW in a big city. Then again, I'm old and realize that their generation has tools for staying close that I didn't have when I was their age.The relationship is reportedly "very good" and husband reportedly "supports her". Any experiences or advice welcome. I'll likely share the thread with her.
My brother in law did an MBA at Northwestern. He flew up and back every week or so. That might seem expensive but at least consider that or something like it as a possibility. It really made his career.

 

parasaurolophus

Footballguy
My brother in law did an MBA at Northwestern. He flew up and back every week or so. That might seem expensive but at least consider that or something like it as a possibility. It really made his career.
An MBA at northwestern is a completely different scenario than an MSW. 

Third tier of job possibilities still probably makes more than top tier of the other. 

 

SaintsInDome2006

Footballguy
An MBA at northwestern is a completely different scenario than an MSW. 

Third tier of job possibilities still probably makes more than top tier of the other. 
That’s a good point. I’m not aware of the significance of that degree from those schools in that field. If it’s just a personal self indulgence to live in NY or Chi, obviously it’s not a good idea. And 14 hours is pretty tough haul, which I’m guessing is driving. 4 hours isn’t too bad, that’s manageable. At least give her a chance to explain why it would help her and the family career-wise. And I’ll just add that if someone has a life goal it can have reverberating effects if they feel like they are held back.

 
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simey

Footballguy
I think she should go to whichever college she chooses, especially since it is a dream which she can fulfill, and he supports it. Loyola is only a 4 hour drive, which isn't far. Columbia is further, but they could face time, etc. He can continue to look for a job while she goes ahead and goes. She can keep an eye out for job openings for him as well. He could even use her address on his resume, and explain if he gets an interview that his wife is already in the area, and he will be joining her once he finds something. If their bond is strong, the marriage will survive. She will be busy with her studies, and he will be busy with his work. I wouldn't worry about their marriage. They are young and building their life. They both would like to live in a different location, and your daughter getting her MSW in either of these places could help both of them achieve their goal of living in a bigger city, and having a career they want. From what you say they are both intelligent young adults, and they believe in each other and their goals. They can make it work. 

 

rascal

Footballguy
At $55k he needs to do whatever she wants as his job isn't paying that much.  Get a job with dod as an actuarial.  Decent pay, solid benefits, and opportunities to move around.  May not have opportunities at those exact locations, but should be pretty close.

 
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