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post a joke funnier than the one above (1 Viewer)

Why aren't there more books about donuts?

Because the plots have holes in them.

That's all I got right now, sorry.

 
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

 
If Ted Cruz and Rick Santorum were drowning in a lake and you could only save one, what kind of sandwich would you make?

 
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

 
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible...
But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative,
or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says.
“They're all at the funeral."

#anythingforhockey

 
A baby chick and a horse were walking across a field and the horse fell into a mud hole and couldn't get out. The horse told the chick to go get the farmer. The chick ran back to the house but the farmer wasn't home so the chick got in the farmers BMW and drove it out to the field, threw a rope around the horse, attached it to the bumper and pulled the horse out.

The next day the horse and chick were walking across the field and the chick fell in a mudhole and couldn't get out. The chick told the horse to go get the farmers car but the horse saw that the mud hole wasn't big so the horse straddled it and told the chick to grab on to his #### and pulled the chick out that way.

The moral: If you are hung like a horse you don't a nice car to pick up chicks.

 
What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and The Hindenburg?

One's a flaming Nazi blimp and the other is an Airship........

 
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: First you have to run it by the United Nations and get their approval. If the Security Council doesn't approve, see if you can get a resolution passed. Next you need to determine the environmental impact of changing the lightbulb. Is it an environmentally friendly lightbulb? No? Then sue the lightbulb manufacturer for violating the Kyoto Protocol (even though we didn't sign it). Next, are we going to offend anyone by changing the lightbulb? After all we don't want to be seen by the rest of the world as being unilateralist. We don't want to be seen as being aggressive and making the Arab world hate us. Back to that UN resolution, it didn't work, now what? Well, put it up to a vote, and get another resolution passed. Is that lightbulb paid for with public funds? If so, the ACLU just informed us that we are getting sued for changing the lightbulb because we mentioned God in a public place. Oh, now I forgot, when is a lightbulb a lightbulb? Shouldn't a woman be able to change a lightbulb without her husband's consent? Better get the NOW involved and see what they have to say. Are we going to offend any designated victim groups by changing this lightbulb? Just to be on the safe side, write a check to Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition. How about the gays? We don't want to be seen as heteronormative, homophobic or AIDS insensitive, let's be sure that we attend all the mandated sensitivity seminars. Back to that 2nd UN resolution, it didn't work, now what? Well, let's see if we can get France to go along with another resolution. Jimmy Carter says that we really have a failed lightbulb changing policy and that we need to be more sensitive to the feelings of Fidel Castro when it comes to changing lightbulbs. Now just who is going to change that lightbulb? We need to make sure that women, union members, gays, Blacks, Hispanics are fairly represented. Back to that ACLU lawsuit, our lawyer is trying to get the ruling reversed on appeal, we probably should wait. Did France go along with our proposed resolution to the UN? Bill Clinton and Hillary are weighing in ... they claim that the lightbulb going out is linked to a vast Right Wing conspiracy that is out to get Bill Clinton. Did I mention that the Senate Democrats are filibustering to get the lightbulb changing stopped? Bad news, we've just been told that the equipment that we want to use to change the lightbulb isn't up to spec, we need to get a more expensive lightbulb changer that is environmentally friendly, safe, OSHA approved, diverse, has low cholesterol, high fiber, doesn't offend anyone, and isn't associated with tobacco or pharmaceutical companies. Did you just hear, one of the people on our team was caught voting Republican and was found reading the Bible. We don't want any right wing religious extremists taking over the team, better find a vegetarian lesbian (preferably black) to replace them. Did the UN just vote on another resolution?

 
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Did you hear about the cheese grater Stevie Wonder's wife got him for his birthday?

He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

 
What's green, Slimy and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger

 
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So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean's list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.
He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn't been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there's no punch line.
 
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

 
I for one applaud Butcher Boy's effort. By posting terrible jokes he is making it much easier to post here.

 
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man
dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he
asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or
a hen. The choice is your own." Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then
along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How
do you like being a hen?" "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ### is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're ####tin' all over the bed!"

 
Blonde tells her husband she is going to paint the living room while he is at work. Husband comes home and finds his wife on the floor almost passed out from the heat wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat. Husband asks, "what are you doing?" She responds, "the guy at the store told me for best results use two coats."

 
Tom Servo said:
butcher boy said:
Tom Servo said:
butcher boy said:
Tom Servo said:
grateful zed said:
i was hoping for some better ones, guys.
Click to expand...
Blame butcher boy. Political jokes suck.
Click to expand...
Settle down. I've moved on to stevie wonder and religion now.
Click to expand...
Those aren't funny either.
Click to expand...
obviously not as funny as your contributions here. oh wait...
Click to expand...
Difference is, I'm not trying to be funny and you are. That's the sad part.
Click to expand...
Servo is like a wet blanket on this thread. Take a hike already.

 
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