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Son or Grandson (1 Viewer)

Which event would you go to? (Both are important)

  • Son's Band competition

    Votes: 28 68.3%

  • Grandson's football game and other Grandson's birthday party

    Votes: 13 31.7%
  • Total voters
    41
snellman

snellman

Footballguy
One of the Prices I am paying for having kids that are so far apart in age is coming to fruition. My oldest son has 3 children (the 2 grandsons are from his wife's previous marriage but I still consider them grandkids). The oldest one is 11 and is playing youth football, the younger one has a birthday coming up (will be turning 6). The daughter in law texted the wife tonight that the 11yr old has his last football game Saturday and after the game, they are going to have a bowling birthday party for the younger one.

Our youngest son is 15 and a freshman in high school. He is not involved in any sports, but is involved in Robotics and band. The band at his school is a very big deal (35% of the 500 students at the high school are in band) and the compete in competitions every weekend in the fall. They have a competition this Saturday approx 90 miles away. These band competitions are an all day event, you know the first time the band will perform, but after that, it is a matter of waiting to find out what time the 2nd performance is.

On one hand, the routine is the same every time they perform so it is not like we are seeing anything new. The grandkids only turn 6 once and they grow up way to fast like our kids do. On the other hand, we didn't miss any of our older kids activities when they were in high school and I don't want to short the youngest one the support that he deserves as much as his siblings got. He says it is fine (I think he genuinely feels that way but I feel guilty for missing one of his events)

In a perfect world the band won't have their performance until the afternoon and we can hit both, but I am sure that will not be the case.
 
ChiefD said:
You go to your son’s event.

This is your child. He has priority over grandchild at this point.
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Also, consider what impact this may have on your son if you skip the event. Not sure how close the brothers are (young and your oldest) but at age 15 all those dang hormones takeover the body and make you think weird things. I'd show my son he is a priority. If they are having a party for the 11 year old, there will likely be a lot of people there so you won't be very missed. If you aren't at the son's band event and he sees all his bandmates parents supporting them, it could have a negative effect. Buy the grandson a present and he'll be just as happy and maybe spend one on one time with him later as a "make up" for missing the party.
 
Is it important to your son for you to be there? If the answer is anything close to "Yes," then you should go to the band thing.

But as a former band kid myself, who participated in many of these competitions, I'd say that you're not missing much.
 
snellman said:
He says it is fine
Click to expand...
We were band parents to an award winning HS band. We rarely missed any of them.

If this is not one of those end of the band season huge events, and it's just like most of them, I'd tell him to text me when they know the time of the later performance and tell him you'll make it if it all works out.

I have grand kids 5 and 7. I can't imagine missing one of those early aged bdays for something I've already seen a few times.
 
Zegras11 said:
snellman said:
He says it is fine
Click to expand...
We were band parents to an award winning HS band. We rarely missed any of them.

If this is not one of those end of the band season huge events, and it's just like most of them, I'd tell him to text me when they know the time of the later performance and tell him you'll make it if it all works out.

I have grand kids 5 and 7. I can't imagine missing one of those early aged bdays for something I've already seen a few times.
Click to expand...
This seems like the best course of action. If the grandkids things are early and you know the band performance is all day, go to the grandkids stuff early and then see the rest of the band show after. Don’t stay all day for the grandkids and you should be able to make both. If there is any worry about the band being done early then split up with the wife. I’ve had to do that for tournaments that were in different places. Usually two days so unless not local, we’d swap sports days which we had to anyway since the boys couldn’t drive yet anyway.
 
Zegras11 said:
snellman said:
He says it is fine
Click to expand...
We were band parents to an award winning HS band. We rarely missed any of them.

If this is not one of those end of the band season huge events, and it's just like most of them, I'd tell him to text me when they know the time of the later performance and tell him you'll make it if it all works out.

I have grand kids 5 and 7. I can't imagine missing one of those early aged bdays for something I've already seen a few times.
Click to expand...
And then if the son only has the one early performance and you miss it, you'll know it wasn't that good anyway. Tell him it's his own fault and he should have played better.
 
I think people put too much emphasis on never missing their kid's whatever-it-is. If you've been to a bunch of them and they're every weekend, then who cares if you miss one? Go to the birthday party.
 
snellman said:
One of the Prices I am paying for having kids that are so far apart in age is coming to fruition. My oldest son has 3 children (the 2 grandsons are from his wife's previous marriage but I still consider them grandkids). The oldest one is 11 and is playing youth football, the younger one has a birthday coming up (will be turning 6). The daughter in law texted the wife tonight that the 11yr old has his last football game Saturday and after the game, they are going to have a bowling birthday party for the younger one.

Our youngest son is 15 and a freshman in high school. He is not involved in any sports, but is involved in Robotics and band. The band at his school is a very big deal (35% of the 500 students at the high school are in band) and the compete in competitions every weekend in the fall. They have a competition this Saturday approx 90 miles away. These band competitions are an all day event, you know the first time the band will perform, but after that, it is a matter of waiting to find out what time the 2nd performance is.

On one hand, the routine is the same every time they perform so it is not like we are seeing anything new. The grandkids only turn 6 once and they grow up way to fast like our kids do. On the other hand, we didn't miss any of our older kids activities when they were in high school and I don't want to short the youngest one the support that he deserves as much as his siblings got. He says it is fine (I think he genuinely feels that way but I feel guilty for missing one of his events)

In a perfect world the band won't have their performance until the afternoon and we can hit both, but I am sure that will not be the case.
Click to expand...
You goto one, the wife goes to the other. Problem solved.
 
It's your kid. You go to your kid's event. There really shouldn't even be a debate. Now if it was your kid's event and your other kids B-Day event then you and the wife split up and support both your kids. But in this case you both support your kid as your kid trumps your grandkid.
 
Really hard to say here without knowing the dynamics of everybody involved and/or how band competitions work. I agree that son > grandchildren so that's my initial take. However, if he truly doesn't care if you go and it's a performance you've preferred plenty then I think it greenlights you doing the grandkid stuff. That said, I assume this isn't the case because otherwise it seems unlikely you'd have started the thread as you did and would feel like you're in a quandary.
 
I agree that you going to one and the wife going to the other is probably the best answer. I'd send the wife to the band competition. The youth football and bowling party afterwards is going to be WAY MORE ENJOYABLE.
 
On general principle I would have said your own kid outranks grandkids. But, given the specifics I voted grandkids. I was in plenty of those band competitions and a band kid probably will not care (or maybe even notice) which parents are there. He'll be having fun with his buddies, watching the other bands, etc.
 
Tell him you're going to the band, show your face, then leave and go to grandson, then comeback
 
I can’t tell you if grandma or grandpa was at my 5th birthday party (probably did cake and ice cream separately with them anyway), but I can certainly tell you who went to my high school band competitions and track meets.

It’s definitely a tough situation. Any remotely gracious, not entirely spoiled 15 year old is going to tell you it isn’t a big deal (even if it really is), but if I were in your shoes I’d be worried the kid is going to feel like they have been permanently backseated by their niece/nephew about 5-6 years early. My dad remarried and had a kid right before my junior year of high school. My 15 year old sister and I were instantly pushed to the background between a step sibling and the new child and were expected to just “understand”. My sister has never really forgiven him between the divorce and that.

On the flip side, went to most, but not all my kids’ band contests. Travel time, paying $40 at some of these when its early in the season and they don’t have the full show on the field, etc. were all factors, but I never picked another event over one. Also, not a granddad.

it’s probably totally ok with your kid to skip the competition, but if that’s the case, they need to “win” the next scheduling conflict.
 
Thanks for the replies. The reason I started debating this is because we are already accused by the older siblings of spoiling the youngest. Of course he is, because he is14 years younger than our oldest child, and the only one still at home. When the other kids were home, we were not in the financial position we are now and had 5 kids in the house as opposed to one. I brought 2 children to the marriage, the wife brought 2 children to the marriage and we had the youngest together. The son with the grandkids is usually the one that is the loudest about the spoiling, saying "we never got away with that" , "We had to do X", etc. I know part of it is jest, but there is some jealousy there as well because his dad was rarely involved or went to his events while I made sure I went to every one of them. He never cared if I was there, he always looked for his dad first and foremost. It is amazing how they forget how we were at all of their events often times splitting up because 1 had a baseball game and one had a softball game the same night.
 
On second thought, I’ve reconsidered. Pick which one you think is gonna take care of you in your senility.

(or see how long you can play “don’t tell your brother, but you’re the best one…”)
 
I would go to whichever one I would personally prefer. The football game and birthday party would be my pick. I imagine I will be in your shoes in not too long. I have 7 kids ranging from 24-4.
 
trogg78 said:
I would go to whichever one I would personally prefer. The football game and birthday party would be my pick. I imagine I will be in your shoes in not too long. I have 7 kids ranging from 24-4.
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Remind me to not let my wife see your posts. Or maybe she should 🤔 we’re only at 5, 19-8. “We’re closed”
 
I'm still confused why the first answer isn't the best. You go to one event and your wife goes to one.
 
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