Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
We didn't grow up far apart by the looks of it. Not everyone does so, however. Until I left NJ, I never knew that.Ive always used that word to mean lame. I still do
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Story Time with EG - ***OFFICIAL THREAD*** (The "Magnum Opus" is complete 5/17/18) (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Evilgrin 72
- Start date
Zow
Footballguy
Wait so this girl puts up with your drinking stupidity, babysits you for a few hours, pays 2k for a room so you have a place to sleep (and didn't even demand like half reimbursement), hooks up with you the morning after when you had to look like total ####, and is in to threesomes?
What an angel. I'm assuming you now call her "wife".
What an angel. I'm assuming you now call her "wife".
Bob Sacamano
Footballguy
Zow
Footballguy
Dinsy Ejotuz
Footballguy
Disco Stu
Confirmed FBGal
Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
I wish to God I'd done that. I'm just thankful he didn't have a bodyguard with him. It's amazing, over the course of that night, I dove down escalators, fought with pickpockets, smacked Arsenio Hall, was with a guy being physically extricated from a casino and had a 4-5 hour blackout period and the only injuries I sustained were from falling into some flowers while just walking casually through a botanical garden.
The only thing that could possibly make this better is if, during your windup and approach to Mr. Hall, you screamed "ARSENNNNOOOOOOOOOOO" then *WHAP* on the cheeks, "HALLLLLLLLLL" as you run away.
Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
DA RAIDERS
Footballguy
Ned
Footballguy
5-ish Finkle
Footballguy
Or did that "Dog Pound" bullsh@#$ as you took a victory lap around him.
The only thing that could possibly make this better is if, during your windup and approach to Mr. Hall, you screamed "ARSENNNNOOOOOOOOOOO" then *WHAP* on the cheeks, "HALLLLLLLLLL" as you run away.
Zow
Footballguy
Bob Sacamano
Footballguy
Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
palmersteel
Footballguy
Love this thread. EG is the man
AhrnCityPahnder
Yinz-o-riffic
:descendingmusicalscalefartbrowndot:
Johnny Rock
Footballguy
So glad you nailed that pickpocket. That must've felt awesome.
identikit
Footballguy
Tom Servo
Nittany Beavers
Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
I may get a new tale up this week, either tomorrow or Friday. No promises, but it's a possibility.
(HULK)
(Smash)
Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
If there's one thing you should have taken from these stories, it's that I have very little regard for laws or rules of any kind.
freakinback
Footballguy
.
Leeroy Jenkins
Footballguy
Black mother ####### dot.
Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
Not super proud of this episode, and it's not a truly great story in its own right, but a recent twist makes it worthy of inclusion in my estimation.
This occurred several years back. The backstory is kind of boring, my wife (then girlfriend) got her license plate stolen off of her POS car and was in the process of waiting for new plates. The DMV was taking their sweet time sending new ones and during this time, we got a notice from the leasing office at the complex we were living in telling us that "unregistered vehicles were not permitted on the premises" and that we had 48 hours to remove the offending vehicle or it would be towed. Naturally, when she attempted to move it, it wouldn't start. A good friend of mine is a mechanic and offered to come look at it over the weekend. So, I went to the leasing office and talked to one of the managers, Bobby, who lived in the apartment directly across the parking lot from us (and was the only one who would have noticed the car in this huge complex AND known in which apartment the woner lived.) I explained the whole situation to him, told him the car was in fact registered (and showed him the registration), explained the situation with the plates, the mechanic, etc. He tells me not to worry about it.
Fast forward to Friday. I get home from work and the GF's car is gone. I figure she's out, but when I walk inside, she's there. She tells me they towed the car away while she was at work that afternoon. Naturally, I go back to the leasing office and find Bobby and politely ask him WTF happened. His boss is there and he gives me the company line about how we were notified that we had 48 hours, yada yada yada. I got a little heated and recounted our discussion and his "don't worry about it" edict, and I suppose predictably, he denied all knowledge of it. Long story short, it ended up costing me almost what the piece of crap was worth to get it out of impound and have it fixed. In the process, the impound yard gives me the request they received to tow the car and it has Bobby's signature on it.
So, about a month or so later, we're packing up to move to a new place. My brother and I were talking about the car incident and we decide to get a small measure of revenge on this dork. He has a set of McDonald's bumper stickers from years ago that had been floating around and we decide to plaster his Lexus with them. I figure that a couple of hours of peeling stickers off his car in the Florida heat was equivalent to the time and cost I incurred due to him being a lying sack of ####. So, at about 3 AM, we go out and cover his back bumper with stickers that read : "QUARTER POUNDER MANIAC" , "DO THE ARCHES !", whatever. Got a good laugh out of it and the next day, we packed up the truck and moved to our new place about 15 miles south.
Fast forward another month or so. I work about 5 miles (still) from the complex where all of this went down. I'm coming out of the grocery store one afternoon from picking up garbage bags or something on my lunch break and who's walking in as I'm exiting? You guessed it, Bobby. I walk by him without acknowledging him and as I get about 20 feet away, I hear : "Hey !" He jogs over to me as I'm now almost to my car and says : "Yo, did you put a bunch of stickers on my car a few weeks back?" I naturally deny it and tell him I don't know what he's talking about, I don't even live there any more. He goes on about how he knows I was pissed about the car thing, at which point I cut him off.
"Speaking of which, you f---ing lied about that, you know you told me it would be OK, we went through all this..."
He gives me a smug smile and says : "I don't know what you're talking about.."
"OK, well I don't know what you're talking about as far as stickers on your car go. Now f--- off, the story of you and me ends here."
I begin to get into my car with every intention of driving off and never seeing this yutz again.
"Or maybe you're about to be taking a nap...RIGHT HERE." He points to the ground.
Now, I don't know what it was, but something about that sentence and the way he said it burned up every millimeter of my normally pretty long fuse. I spiked the bag of sundries onto the passenger seat and shot out the car, slamming the door behind me and I get right in his face. Now, he looks frightened, I really don't think he expected this. I hadn't been in a fistfight in years, but at this point, I'm praying he takes a swing at me so I can turn him into sushi right in front of the Publix. However, he starts to back off and I'm still level-headed enough (but barely) not to open myself up to a lawsuit by assaulting the guy in front of witnesses who wouldn't even have heard the provocation (which wouldn't matter in court anyway.)
He stammers some crap to the effect of "Come at me, bro," although I don't recall exactly what words he used. I keep walking him down and he keeps backing up until he comes up against another car. Now, I'm nearly nose to nose with him.
"I thought I was going to be taking a nap RIGHT HERE," I say. "Go ahead, just take one swing, that's all I need."
Now he knows I'm aching to throw down and he wants no part of this any longer. A beotch, just as I suspected. He jabbers out some crap about not wanting to swing first, which is precisely what I'm thinking, only I actually want to fight this dork and I know for a fact that he's just looking for way out now. So, I slap him a little. A back-hand b#tch slap right across his annoying face, not very hard, JUST hard enough to make my point. Not enough to leave any marks or actually hurt him, just stun him and give him the opening he needs. I didn't even load up or swing my arm back, just moved at the elbow. I'm hoping that if he actually does try something now that an eyewitness may not have even seen it and if he now starts throwing bombs it will look like he started it. I wait from him to rear back, but instead he just staggers to the side and uses the momentum to carry him out from between me and the parked car and begins power walking towards Publix. I watch him for a few steps and then said goodbye. Of course, by goodbye, I mean I called him every demeaning name for female genitalia I can think of. He waits until he's almost in the store and I in my car before firing off some witty riposte I can't really remember. I drive off, headed back to work, slightly embarassed that I'd lost my cool, but also with an unmistakable feeling of satisfaction and closure.
The next couple of months, I waited for a summons in the mail since Bobby had my name and forwarding address available to him at the leasing office, but I guess it was a scene he preferred to just forget because I never saw his face again. Until a couple of nights ago.
I'm watching the Simpsons marathon on FXX and at commercial I get up to grab a drink from the fridge and I hear a familiar voice. Puzzled, I turn around and there's Bobby.....on my TV screen, pitching a "sell your used cell phone for cash" website. This is him. Bobby, the U-Sell Guy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaKDmecwKdk
I don't know how many of you have seen this ad, but if any of you has, and said to yourself : "God, I'd love to smack that annoying ###," well, your old pal EG has. And it was wonderful.
The End.
This occurred several years back. The backstory is kind of boring, my wife (then girlfriend) got her license plate stolen off of her POS car and was in the process of waiting for new plates. The DMV was taking their sweet time sending new ones and during this time, we got a notice from the leasing office at the complex we were living in telling us that "unregistered vehicles were not permitted on the premises" and that we had 48 hours to remove the offending vehicle or it would be towed. Naturally, when she attempted to move it, it wouldn't start. A good friend of mine is a mechanic and offered to come look at it over the weekend. So, I went to the leasing office and talked to one of the managers, Bobby, who lived in the apartment directly across the parking lot from us (and was the only one who would have noticed the car in this huge complex AND known in which apartment the woner lived.) I explained the whole situation to him, told him the car was in fact registered (and showed him the registration), explained the situation with the plates, the mechanic, etc. He tells me not to worry about it.
Fast forward to Friday. I get home from work and the GF's car is gone. I figure she's out, but when I walk inside, she's there. She tells me they towed the car away while she was at work that afternoon. Naturally, I go back to the leasing office and find Bobby and politely ask him WTF happened. His boss is there and he gives me the company line about how we were notified that we had 48 hours, yada yada yada. I got a little heated and recounted our discussion and his "don't worry about it" edict, and I suppose predictably, he denied all knowledge of it. Long story short, it ended up costing me almost what the piece of crap was worth to get it out of impound and have it fixed. In the process, the impound yard gives me the request they received to tow the car and it has Bobby's signature on it.
So, about a month or so later, we're packing up to move to a new place. My brother and I were talking about the car incident and we decide to get a small measure of revenge on this dork. He has a set of McDonald's bumper stickers from years ago that had been floating around and we decide to plaster his Lexus with them. I figure that a couple of hours of peeling stickers off his car in the Florida heat was equivalent to the time and cost I incurred due to him being a lying sack of ####. So, at about 3 AM, we go out and cover his back bumper with stickers that read : "QUARTER POUNDER MANIAC" , "DO THE ARCHES !", whatever. Got a good laugh out of it and the next day, we packed up the truck and moved to our new place about 15 miles south.
Fast forward another month or so. I work about 5 miles (still) from the complex where all of this went down. I'm coming out of the grocery store one afternoon from picking up garbage bags or something on my lunch break and who's walking in as I'm exiting? You guessed it, Bobby. I walk by him without acknowledging him and as I get about 20 feet away, I hear : "Hey !" He jogs over to me as I'm now almost to my car and says : "Yo, did you put a bunch of stickers on my car a few weeks back?" I naturally deny it and tell him I don't know what he's talking about, I don't even live there any more. He goes on about how he knows I was pissed about the car thing, at which point I cut him off.
"Speaking of which, you f---ing lied about that, you know you told me it would be OK, we went through all this..."
He gives me a smug smile and says : "I don't know what you're talking about.."
"OK, well I don't know what you're talking about as far as stickers on your car go. Now f--- off, the story of you and me ends here."
I begin to get into my car with every intention of driving off and never seeing this yutz again.
"Or maybe you're about to be taking a nap...RIGHT HERE." He points to the ground.
Now, I don't know what it was, but something about that sentence and the way he said it burned up every millimeter of my normally pretty long fuse. I spiked the bag of sundries onto the passenger seat and shot out the car, slamming the door behind me and I get right in his face. Now, he looks frightened, I really don't think he expected this. I hadn't been in a fistfight in years, but at this point, I'm praying he takes a swing at me so I can turn him into sushi right in front of the Publix. However, he starts to back off and I'm still level-headed enough (but barely) not to open myself up to a lawsuit by assaulting the guy in front of witnesses who wouldn't even have heard the provocation (which wouldn't matter in court anyway.)
He stammers some crap to the effect of "Come at me, bro," although I don't recall exactly what words he used. I keep walking him down and he keeps backing up until he comes up against another car. Now, I'm nearly nose to nose with him.
"I thought I was going to be taking a nap RIGHT HERE," I say. "Go ahead, just take one swing, that's all I need."
Now he knows I'm aching to throw down and he wants no part of this any longer. A beotch, just as I suspected. He jabbers out some crap about not wanting to swing first, which is precisely what I'm thinking, only I actually want to fight this dork and I know for a fact that he's just looking for way out now. So, I slap him a little. A back-hand b#tch slap right across his annoying face, not very hard, JUST hard enough to make my point. Not enough to leave any marks or actually hurt him, just stun him and give him the opening he needs. I didn't even load up or swing my arm back, just moved at the elbow. I'm hoping that if he actually does try something now that an eyewitness may not have even seen it and if he now starts throwing bombs it will look like he started it. I wait from him to rear back, but instead he just staggers to the side and uses the momentum to carry him out from between me and the parked car and begins power walking towards Publix. I watch him for a few steps and then said goodbye. Of course, by goodbye, I mean I called him every demeaning name for female genitalia I can think of. He waits until he's almost in the store and I in my car before firing off some witty riposte I can't really remember. I drive off, headed back to work, slightly embarassed that I'd lost my cool, but also with an unmistakable feeling of satisfaction and closure.
The next couple of months, I waited for a summons in the mail since Bobby had my name and forwarding address available to him at the leasing office, but I guess it was a scene he preferred to just forget because I never saw his face again. Until a couple of nights ago.
I'm watching the Simpsons marathon on FXX and at commercial I get up to grab a drink from the fridge and I hear a familiar voice. Puzzled, I turn around and there's Bobby.....on my TV screen, pitching a "sell your used cell phone for cash" website. This is him. Bobby, the U-Sell Guy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaKDmecwKdk
I don't know how many of you have seen this ad, but if any of you has, and said to yourself : "God, I'd love to smack that annoying ###," well, your old pal EG has. And it was wonderful.
The End.
Gianni Verscotchie
Footballguy
I'm going to trade in my phone. Thanks EG!
![[icon]](/data/avatars/m/5/5167.jpg?1660313464){kind=avatar}
Zow
Footballguy
Just thought the exact same thing.
ETA--How about some solid McDonald's references in the comments section from a few folks?
Tom Servo
Nittany Beavers
(HULK)
(Smash)
EG,
Step 1: Eat a big steak, then mexican food, then drink a ton of beers.
Step 2: Get a U-Sell shipping envelope
Step 3: Get some old McDonald's bumper stickers
Step 4: Find some old flip phone piece of crud you don't care about
Step 5: Sell phone from Step 4 to usell
Step 6: Wrap phone tightly in as many bumper stickers as you can
Step 7: Place phone in shipping envelope
Step 8: Take a horrendous crap in shipping envelope
Step 9: Close envelope and post mark it
Step 10: Mail it
Step 1: Eat a big steak, then mexican food, then drink a ton of beers.
Step 2: Get a U-Sell shipping envelope
Step 3: Get some old McDonald's bumper stickers
Step 4: Find some old flip phone piece of crud you don't care about
Step 5: Sell phone from Step 4 to usell
Step 6: Wrap phone tightly in as many bumper stickers as you can
Step 7: Place phone in shipping envelope
Step 8: Take a horrendous crap in shipping envelope
Step 9: Close envelope and post mark it
Step 10: Mail it
Godsbrother
Footballguy
EG: How in the hell did you not cut your hand on that guy's enormous set of chompers? My lord his mouth is as big as Steven Tyler's.
psychobillies
Footballguy
pollardsvision
Footballguy
Awesome.
And the testimonials section might be the 2nd best reading on the internet (behind EG updates of course).
Holy ####, you've got a choice of cow, elephant, or gorilla, and you can order by the quart or the gallon! Or the 3-in-1 combo pack!
Plus each delivery comes with a business card partially submerged in ####, offering to tell who sent it. They flip it over only to learn that poopsenders will never tell.
That might be the best deal on the internet. The value pack (quart of cow ####) is only $25 after shipping. If somebody needs a quart of cow #### sent to them, I'll gladly pay somebody else $25 to do the collecting, packing, and shipping.
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