Supporting A Loved One Going Through AA (1 Viewer)

[mr roboto]

My brother is going to his first AA meeting this weekend. He just told me. Our family has known he has a drinking problem for years, and he's known it too. I'm really proud of him, and so is our mom and other brother (who also has a problem with alcohol).

He's 40 years old, not married, no kids and lives at my mothers house. He's been unemployed for six months and feels very down about his current life. While I believe that AA is going to help his drinking, there are many things that are keeping him in a depressed mood. His hope, and our hope, is that this provides a springboard by which he can begin to find a job, move out of mom's house, and develop his own life again.

I want to be supportive, but I don't want to be over supportive. By that, I mean that I don't want to ask him about it every time I talk to him or talk about it too much where it becomes a centerpoint of our relationship. We speak on the phone several times a week and when we are together in the same place we like to go golfing, play video games and watch movies together.

We are a somewhat religious family, and so I've told him that I will pray for him which I most certainly will. I know that's meaningful to him and I know that he is praying for God to help him with these things. I know many on this board art religious or won't find that meaningful, but I'm just giving a little bit more information in case anybody has advice in that regard.

The good news is, one of our cousins who is his age recently went to AA. He is a successful attorney with a wife and two kids. His life has been turned around by AA and walking away from alcohol. This cousin is my brothers closest support in this matter and I don't intend to try and replace that.

Any advice, recommendations or even recommended reading for family members supporting somebody through this type of program would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Henry Ford]

Tell him if he ever wants you to go to an open meeting with him, you'll be happy to. Make it a normal and worthwhile thing for him to do that he doesn't have to be embarrassed about, and that you're happy to help with.

And then prepare to hear horrible stories from him and others.

 

[wildbill]

I suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting. It's like an AA meeting for the alcoholic's loved ones. The people there are in the same situation as you and can share their experience with you and give you support.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

 

[Plorfu]

You could try an Al-Anon meeting for yourself and ask the people who attend those meetings. My dad is an AA veteran and my mom attends Al-Anon. They've been there for almost 40 years:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

eta:Or do what wildbill said.

 

[tommyboy]

been there, done it. haven't drank in 13+ years.

here's a few things that will help:

lose your drinkiing friends. they aren't your friends, just drinking companions.

keep any friends that are supportive and won't ever drink around you or take you into drinking situations

find a hobby that you want to do, dreamed to do, are curious to do but never took the time to do, then get into it and give it the time it deserves. Mine was golfing and working out. The working out is just a good idea period, you'll feel good about youself, but the golf for me was a way to get away from stress of life in a non-alcohol way and divert my time away from a bar, or sitting at home watching sports and drinking beer. WIN WIN~!

read/learn./listen to experts that can talk about the stages of alcholism, the effects of alcohol on your body, the comparative effects of alcohol to other drugs (he'll be surprised how bad alcohol is) and the effects of alcoholism on people around him.

as for the rest of the family, don't drink around him, don't have booze in the house, be supportive yet wary. many people relapse in the first year, if he truly wants to avoid that tell him its imperative that he replace the time he wasts drinking with time he wastes getting healthy and doing his new cool hobby(s), and its critical that he drop all dsyfunctional relationships that involve people that drinkl and don't respect his sobriety. For the first 6 months he'll have some cravings, but after that it will go away and it will just be a decision of character in his mind if he chooses to stay sober.

 

[Herb]

The average addict relapses something like 5 or 6 times before finally getting sober. Roll with him if this happens and try to continue to be supportive. Addiction is a real #####. Kudos to him for trying to get himself sober. My father has been in AA for over 20 years and it saved his life. He would be more than happy to talk to your brother and has some familiarity with that chapter of AA if your brother is still in our hometown. PM me if you want some more info. Sounds like you're a good brother. Keep it up.

 

[mr roboto]

Herb, thanks. IIRC you and I know some common people. Please keep this on the down low around there.

 

[Brownsfan]

I think its great you are looking for ways to support your brother's decision. I haven't had a drink in over 18 years and I could not have accomplished that without AA and the support of my family. In my early days of sobriety I appreciated recognition for small accomplishments, things non alcoholics take for granted. Find out his sobriety date and congratulate him for one week, two weeks then on a monthly basis. His AA friends will do this but it is important for him to know that his sobriety is meaningful to those closest to him. Any time you can spend with him in a non drinking activity will be helpful. Go to eat at a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol etc. He will be busy with AA for a while, and should be going to meetings daily at least for the first 90 days. As he finds a sponsor, works the steps and acquires the tools to live a sober happy life, he and his family will be amazed at the positive changes that occur. It is a tough road at the beginning but it gets easier as time passes.

 

[Herb]

Herb, thanks. IIRC you and I know some common people. Please keep this on the down low around there.

I wouldn't think of talking about your private family business with anyone. You and your brother have nothing to worry about. And I'm serious about my dad. He's ALWAYS ready to listen to a new member and offer whatever help he can. And it can be done anonymously, just like in the group itself. First names only.

 

[fatness]

My brother is going to his first AA meeting this weekend. He just told me. Our family has known he has a drinking problem for years, and he's known it too. I'm really proud of him, and so is our mom and other brother (who also has a problem with alcohol).

He's 40 years old, not married, no kids and lives at my mothers house. He's been unemployed for six months and feels very down about his current life. While I believe that AA is going to help his drinking, there are many things that are keeping him in a depressed mood.

Since this is his first time through be supportive. On his 5th or 10th time through AA (yes, some people do that) it's fair to keep more distance from it since by then it's clearly his problem which you can have little effect on.

As for the depressed mood, much of that stems from alcohol. It's physically depressing, it leaves people waking up feeling desperate and hopelessly behind, and it is a crutch to get through the desperation -- hence the cycle. If he's not drinking he'll have a lot of anxious, uncertain moments and hours. If he gets involved in something else he likes that will consume time and create enjoyment from another source. Golf, lifting, fishing, anything like that. He's going to have a lot of anxious, empty moments. If he's going to stay sober he'll have to relearn how to fill them. And not pouring a depressant into himself every day will lighten things for him gradually.

 

[HughHoney]

Good luck. Just keep spending time with him outside of a booze environment. The sobriety will most likely get him out of that depressive funk at first. He'll realize he's a better person than he was on the sauce and he'll be happier. Just keep being there for him especially when that temptation comes up a year or 5 years from now.

 

[17seconds]

Don't feel qualified to add anything since I haven't been through it myself, but I have enormous respect for anyone who goes through a sobriety process and keeps it going for years. Even tommyboy

 

[mr roboto]

Herb, thanks. IIRC you and I know some common people. Please keep this on the down low around there.

I wouldn't think of talking about your private family business with anyone. You and your brother have nothing to worry about. And I'm serious about my dad. He's ALWAYS ready to listen to a new member and offer whatever help he can. And it can be done anonymously, just like in the group itself. First names only.

Cool. I figured it went without saying. I don't know which chapter he will be in. Mom lives in Roch now.

 

[Herb]

No worries. My dad would want me to offer. Just talk to your brother and PM me if he has any interest in speaking to my dad. He lives in Indiana so there's no chance they'd run into each other.

 

[snellman]

Herb, thanks. IIRC you and I know some common people. Please keep this on the down low around there.

I wouldn't think of talking about your private family business with anyone. You and your brother have nothing to worry about. And I'm serious about my dad. He's ALWAYS ready to listen to a new member and offer whatever help he can. And it can be done anonymously, just like in the group itself. First names only.

Cool. I figured it went without saying.I don't know which chapter he will be in. Mom lives in Roch now.

Like others have said, be supportive #1. He may go to more than one meeting area. It is great to get out and around to other groups and meet many different people who are going through similar situations. We used to get a bunch of us together and "road trip (with coffee)" to meetings all around. It is a great group to get into and he can make many new friends.

Be prepared for him to have times of struggle and even possibly fall off the wagon. Another great thing about AA is that no matter how many times you fall off you will always be welcome back.

 

[Dark Matter]

Update?

My wife went to her first meeting last night. It was a voluntary decision that she made on the heels of a nasty fight we had on Tuesday. We drink a bottle of wine every night and if we are out of wine, vodka or Jamieson's. A couple weeks ago we went to a party at friends house and within an hour of arrival she was passed out in a guest bedroom. Her mood when she drinks has become nasty. When we first started dating, she was a happy drunk and seemed to be able handle the affects alcohol has on her but that is changing for the worse.

After the fight, I moved out to a friends house for fear that the fighting would become physical. She was actually trying to entice me into hit her. All I could do was walk away, hide the gun and lock myself in our guest bedroom. I haven't been back since and not sure when I will.

I love this women more than anything. I want to support her anyway I can. I believe she is an alcoholic and last night after attending the meeting she feels that she is too. Now what?

All of our friends drink. My family drinks and up until now we have never had any incidents, dui's, accidents etc. It's a family cultural thing that people who grow up in the midwest can probably identify with. I like drinking but I know when to stop and how to manage it in my life. Is there no way she and I can be together after this if I choose to have a drink?

I will heed the advise posted above and seek out an Al-Anon meeting. Thanks for listening.