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Teenage daughter advice (1 Viewer)

And not a huge deal....but I’m not real sure about the “she’s not going to track practice tonight” as being the “punishment”.....don’t really get what that has to do with anything and could just create problems with track team/coach etc...

 
Stinkin Ref said:
she disobeyed something the mother directed....the mother needs to know and it needs to come from the child....you can say you wanted to give her the opportunity to tell her before you did, so you guys have been processing it....you and your wife are a united front, there can't be cracks, even though it will still happen on occasion maybe with girl type stuff, meaning they may not tell you some things....(probably stuff  you don't want to know about anyway).....I think the washing the truck thing was a huge misplay on your part....her washing your truck has nothing to really do with what happened and to a kid can look like "a way to get out of stuff"....oh I made a mistake, but if I just wash a truck or something it will be like it never happened....thats not a good lesson to kids.....they need to be held responsible for their mistakes....I agree hitting them where it hurts (phone) is more appropriate because you can spin it that "if we can't trust you to be respectable with our wishes/rules/ then what else can't we trust you with?....like your use of social media, etc"....

one of the best things my wife and I used on both of our kids was using their phones as a consequence....but what we did is just log onto the account and prevent them from being able to do ANYTHING but call or text us or their grandparents (basically anybody involved in their transportation or "in case of emergency situations")....

you don't know how bad it sucks for a kid to still be able to have their phone, but not be able to use it for anything other than contact you to say "practice is over, please come pick me up"...to them, .letting them have the phone but only able to contact you is almost worse than just taking the phone away period....they hated it....the parental control features on the phone are one of the greatest disciplinary tools of all time....
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How exactly do you do this?  Which carrier?

 
Long Ball Larry said:
How exactly do you do this?  Which carrier?
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Verizon....but probably the same on others....you can adjust the times of use etc, so you can basically shut down the phone but it allows you to put in a few numbers that can always be contacted....the rest of the numbers no dice....

 
Flash1 said:
Washing your truck for lying? Hell no

No computer for a few days....... Washing your truck, really?  :loco:
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That'll teach her to wear just a shirt with no tank when she's washing that truck eh? :oldunsure:

 
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You should feel good that at 13, you've weathered the hard parts and it gets a lot easier.

 
Gr00vus said:
Your wife needs to know one way or another - you two are partners in this, don't let your teen pit you against each other. And, if it were me, that particular clothing item would be getting removed from her possession until such time as she understands and commits to your guidelines for what appropriate attire is.
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What he said.  How did she get that shirt in the first place?  If you bought it, don't do that again.  If she used her allowance, supervise her spending for the next year until she earns the right to try unspervised again.  Throw out/donate anything not acceptable.  Give her a printed copy of the rules, so she can sign off on it.

And always tell your wife.  Letting her get away with that sort of thing is not good.

If you don't set boundaries now, it will be so much worse later on.

 
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Gr00vus said:
Your wife needs to know one way or another - you two are partners in this, don't let your teen pit you against each other. And, if it were me, that particular clothing item would be getting removed from her possession until such time as she understands and commits to your guidelines for what appropriate attire is.
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This except get rid of the shirt altogether. 

 
EYLive said:
I only have 1 rule, no lying. I don’t care what you’ve done, how bad it is, if you’re honest with me I will not punish you. 
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I trust that you now realise that this only applies to major life problems.  For example, she's pregnant, was raped, witnessed a felony, thinks someone is suicidal, etc.  Teen crap does not meet this standard.

 
Mrs. Rannous said:
I trust that you now realise that this only applies to major life problems.  For example, she's pregnant, was raped, witnessed a felony, thinks someone is suicidal, etc.  Teen crap does not meet this standard.
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His statement was very clear and required no interpretation.

 
 hearkening back to my earlier post up in here ...

so my daughter was a bit more gussied up than usual for school this morning ... i made a joking comment in passing "what, we have a boyfriend now or sumthin'? what's with all the spiff?"

to which she somewhat rolled her eyes with a "Daaaaaaad!"

as soon as she left i was yelling upstairs to my gf, like Davey during the Scatino bust out in s2  "well - it's starting!!!1!1!!"

:unsure:

 
Keep a united front

Good Luck - this is absolutely nothing compared to what is headed your way over the next 8ish years.......... and which point she will be 21 and you will have pretty much given up. 

 
Magic_Man said:
So glad I do not want kids.
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:thumbdown: ...I'm not a rainbows and puppies type of guy....but having children is one of the greatest blessings I have ever had.....if I could do it all over again, I would....every second of it...the good times and the bumps in the road....getting through some of the tough times were actually some of the most special moments of being a parent....

 
Everyone is talking about how to punish but did you find out why she did it?  Pressure from friends?  Trying to fit in?  Starting to mature and wants to look older? Etc etc.  get to the reason why and help her make good decisions when you’re not around.

 
Stinkin Ref said:
:thumbdown: ...I'm not a rainbows and puppies type of guy....but having children is one of the greatest blessings I have ever had.....if I could do it all over again, I would....every second of it...the good times and the bumps in the road....getting through some of the tough times were actually some of the most special moments of being a parent....
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I'm happy for you, but not all of us want kids & that is ok too.

 
STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:
TL/DR

- 13 y/o wore smallish shirt last week w/o a tank top under. 

-Mother told her to wear tank top under said shirt. 

-Daughter worse same shirt today with tank top under but removed tank top while at school.

-daughter tried to lie me when I called her out on it.

-daughter doesn’t want me to tell her mother

 -my punishment was for her to wash my truck and I wouldn’t say anything to her mother.

-daughter complained about washing my truck.

-back to square one.

what to do? 

Long version:

13 year old was told by her mother not to wear a  particular shirt without a tank top underneath. (The shirt is a little short and reveals her waistline). She left the house this morning with a tank top under and arrived home without it. 

What pisses me off more is when I questioned her she tried to lie about it. I only have 1 rule, no lying. I don’t care what you’ve done, how bad it is, if you’re honest with me I will not punish you. 

I explained the whole thing about how guys think attractive women who dress conservatively are far hotter than women who are scantly clad. I explained what guys think when they see both examples.

She also doesn’t want me to tell her mother. Now this is a little trickier. I’ve already given her crap about it and her mother yelling at her will just be unnecessary as I already talked to her about it. Part of me doesn’t want to tell her because it will be at least a step closer to my daughter feeling like she can come to me with problems, on the flip side it doesn’t make much sense that it will build trust by being semi-deceitful. I dunno man.  

So my punishment was for her to wash my truck however she scoffed at the idea and now I’m back at stage one. 

What would you guys do? 

Im thinking that I should make her tell her mother on herself. 
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I have a 14 year old daughter who has too much figure for her age.  So . . . I understand.

1.  Plenty of times I catch my kids doing things and I end up not telling their mom.  Why?  I dunno.  It's really a case by case basis.  

2.  Regarding the first bolded part.  To each their own, but I would probably not have this conversation with my daughter.  Why?  Because I don't want to do anything to emphasize that my daughter should take action or look a certain way, to curry attention from men.  Besides, if she spends 18 years watching you and your wife, she will eventually figure out on her own a decent style.  I'm assuming you and your wife set a good example about how to conduct yourselves.  THAT'S what will endure.  I recommend downplaying what guys think.  F%ck guys.

3. When situations like this come up, I've found my preferred "punishment" is for them to have to sit through me lecturing them about acceptable behavior (in this case, the "unacceptable" behavior wasn't taking the tank top off, it was taking it off after being instructed not to.)  I'd give up the car wash here, and make her sit through another lecture.  BUT SHE HAS TO HEAR YOU.  REALLY HEAR YOU.  If she rolls her eyes through it, tell mom.

4.  You probably shouldn't have agreed not to tell mom. I'd probably have told her. But now that you are here, you may as well stick to it. 

5.  Probably the most important thing:  You want empower your kids to tell you when they think you are wrong, rather than paying lip service and then doing what they want.  Encourage them to argue their point! (to a point).  Maybe she has a decent reason for deciding she could wear that.  Hear her out. (I say this as a father of a 14 year old girl who has VERY strong feelings about dress codes.  I don't look forward to the day I get called to school because she takes her bra off just to prove a point.  Me and mom give suggestions, but this is her battle to wage at this point.  Of course that's easy to say now because she keeps it between the buoys.).

GOOD LUCK!

 
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