Nope.......take it to the Blinker Etiquette thread or the off shoot roundabout discussion in the pet peeve thread.My 16yo (soon to be 17yo) just passed her provisional drivers license test, she's official. I think I need support, is this the correct thread?
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Teenagers - A support thread (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter STEADYMOBBIN 22
- Start date
Chadstroma
Footballguy
What does it say about me that I am active in all three?Nope.......take it to the Blinker Etiquette thread or the off shoot roundabout discussion in the pet peeve thread.My 16yo (soon to be 17yo) just passed her provisional drivers license test, she's official. I think I need support, is this the correct thread?
Chadstroma
Footballguy
I don't usually ever even consider buying anything from a Facebook ad but I am very tempted....We went and hung out with our friends yesterday. We are friends with them because our daughters have been friends since pre-school when they were 4. They are both 13. My daughter goes to a private Catholic school and their daughter is in the public school system.
Through various conversations, it comes out that their daughter has been hanging out with some of the girls and boys from my daughters grade at the Catholic school. It is a smaller school so I know pretty much every girl in my daughters grade. I have had a lot of interaction with many of the girls and have good relationships with a good amount of them since they are my daughters friends and on sports teams etc For the boys, I only know a few of their names and haven't had much in the way of interactions with pretty much any of them. However, I noticed throughout this year that seemingly they all knew who I was. All the time, walking past some of these boys they would "Hello, Mr. Chadstroma." in very proper and respectful manner. I was confused why they knew me but chalked up the extreme etiquette to manners taught at the Catholic school. I asked my daughter why they all knew who I was and she didn't know really but the two most likely explanations are they have seen me with my daughter at various school events and that I coach my sons basketball team for the school and so the teams would pass each other not infrequently from their game ending and we start or vice versa.
So, yesterday as we are talking, their daughter mentioned "all the boys are scared of you!" I can't tell you how good that made me feel.If I heard that about any other group, it certainly would not make me happy but hearing that brought me pure joy. I can't lie and say I didn't love the fact that the boys circling my daughter have a healthy amount of fear of me.
Why do they fear me? Well, to start, I am a pretty big guy. 6'1'' and over 300 pounds (working on that weight part though). I work out of home and prefer comfortability over fashion so I am usually in tshirts, shorts, sweat pants, type of clothing versus business casual attire that most of the fathers at the school events wear. I have a facial hair which is a little 'grizzly' looking. And apparently I have resting "I will kill you face" and my wife says how I use my eyebrows makes it look like I am mad when I am not. Finally, as a coach in basketball, I am one of the more passionate coaches. I do yell alot (to communicate during the game with my boys) but my wife and daughter say I can look scary when coaching. So... likely that completes the whole package for creating fear among the boys.
Whatever it is.... I like it.
I saw this t-shirt ad (titled "grumpy old men"..... Facebook algorithm on it's game!)
"Guns don't kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do."
If I buy that, I am so wearing it around all the school events that my daughter is in.
nirad3
Footballguy
I'm partial to buying a crossbow instead of a gun. Arrows don't make any noise when zipping off a crossbow as the kid runs across the yard.I don't usually ever even consider buying anything from a Facebook ad but I am very tempted....We went and hung out with our friends yesterday. We are friends with them because our daughters have been friends since pre-school when they were 4. They are both 13. My daughter goes to a private Catholic school and their daughter is in the public school system.
Through various conversations, it comes out that their daughter has been hanging out with some of the girls and boys from my daughters grade at the Catholic school. It is a smaller school so I know pretty much every girl in my daughters grade. I have had a lot of interaction with many of the girls and have good relationships with a good amount of them since they are my daughters friends and on sports teams etc For the boys, I only know a few of their names and haven't had much in the way of interactions with pretty much any of them. However, I noticed throughout this year that seemingly they all knew who I was. All the time, walking past some of these boys they would "Hello, Mr. Chadstroma." in very proper and respectful manner. I was confused why they knew me but chalked up the extreme etiquette to manners taught at the Catholic school. I asked my daughter why they all knew who I was and she didn't know really but the two most likely explanations are they have seen me with my daughter at various school events and that I coach my sons basketball team for the school and so the teams would pass each other not infrequently from their game ending and we start or vice versa.
So, yesterday as we are talking, their daughter mentioned "all the boys are scared of you!" I can't tell you how good that made me feel.
Why do they fear me? Well, to start, I am a pretty big guy. 6'1'' and over 300 pounds (working on that weight part though). I work out of home and prefer comfortability over fashion so I am usually in tshirts, shorts, sweat pants, type of clothing versus business casual attire that most of the fathers at the school events wear. I have a facial hair which is a little 'grizzly' looking. And apparently I have resting "I will kill you face" and my wife says how I use my eyebrows makes it look like I am mad when I am not. Finally, as a coach in basketball, I am one of the more passionate coaches. I do yell alot (to communicate during the game with my boys) but my wife and daughter say I can look scary when coaching. So... likely that completes the whole package for creating fear among the boys.
Whatever it is.... I like it.
I saw this t-shirt ad (titled "grumpy old men"..... Facebook algorithm on it's game!)
"Guns don't kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do."
If I buy that, I am so wearing it around all the school events that my daughter is in.
Imagine the kid coming in to pick daughter up for prom or a date or whatever and you're sitting there cleaning your crossbow?
I'm very tempted, not kidding.
nirad3
Footballguy
Are shorts not a thing for teen/tween boys anymore?
My 11-year old (OK, so not a teenager, but close enough) NEVER wears shorts to school. He says he doesn't like "feeling exposed".
He wears athletic-type shorts to bed in the summer and of course when he's playing flag football. But he refuses to wear shorts to school even though we live in SoCal and it's certainly within reason to wear shorts pretty much all school year, but most certainly during the early Fall and in Spring.
He also prefers wearing sweatshirts along with his jeans. I can't imagine how stuffy that must feel.
Maybe it's a confidence thing?
My 11-year old (OK, so not a teenager, but close enough) NEVER wears shorts to school. He says he doesn't like "feeling exposed".
He wears athletic-type shorts to bed in the summer and of course when he's playing flag football. But he refuses to wear shorts to school even though we live in SoCal and it's certainly within reason to wear shorts pretty much all school year, but most certainly during the early Fall and in Spring.
He also prefers wearing sweatshirts along with his jeans. I can't imagine how stuffy that must feel.
Maybe it's a confidence thing?
snellman
Footballguy
My 16 yr old rarely wears shorts either. He will wear them around the house or when lifting, but very seldom to school. Also never wears jeans, wears the "joggers" or whatever you call not quite sweatpants with the elastic at the ankle. Most teenage boys I see very rarely wear jeans, so that must be a thing.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Lots or boys in HS wear shorts- often very short athletic shorts.
Chadstroma
Footballguy
I don't know but a couple of weekends ago we went over to a friends house. It was a pretty warm day.... well into the 80's. Their son, 9 years old, was wearing a hoodie sweatshirt! I kept asking him what the heck he was doing with it. My friends said that he always wears them even when it is hot.
I swear... we weren't this odd when we were kids.
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
That's hilarious.
Chadstroma
Footballguy
I said warm... not hot. I am from So Cal so I know hot. Would you wear a hoodie on an 85 degree day?
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
I wouldn't wear a hoodie on any day.
But I get it was too warm for a hoodie. Sounds like t-shirt weather to me.
Chadstroma
Footballguy
It was.... specially with him running around all outside with my boys.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Yeah hoodies even when it’s hot is normal. However no matter how cold it is, never ever will they wear a jacket.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Weirdos
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
Oldest (College) is all Jordan stuff
Youngest (Senior in HS) is all LuLuLemon
All the HS boys look like your dads. Tan or grey shorts, t-shirt, badly worn out New Balances and loose, sloppy, mid-length white socks.
Youngest (Senior in HS) is all LuLuLemon
All the HS boys look like your dads. Tan or grey shorts, t-shirt, badly worn out New Balances and loose, sloppy, mid-length white socks.
Chadstroma
Footballguy
The one thing I noticed about boys these days is that every single one of them are copies of all the others. Same hair, same clothes, same everything.... after walking on the local HS campus a while back, I was like "one of them could mug me and 100% get away with it because I would never be able to pick them out of a lineup"
Chadstroma
Footballguy
Things have continued to do well. There were a couple of instances that I think not long ago would have ended up being horrible, nasty, ugly incidents but he navigated through it.
The first was a week or so ago. It was time for me to get go his sister and cousin but he did not want to go. He did his "I'm not going", in the past, once he did that there was never a successful turn from it with him.... either I physically forced him to go or we ended up not going- in either case, he would lose privileges (basically video games) for a period of time. I walked over to him and basically asked him why. He said something about not getting to do what he wanted to do. I replied along the lines with that I really didn't want to end up taking privileges away but I needed him to work with me. If he comes now, we get his sister and cousin then we can come home and talk about a way to figure out him doing what he wanted to do (video games). He said "ok" which honestly surprised the heck out of me. Off we went and when we got back, I told him that I was proud of him for changing from the "I'm not going" as he wouldn't do that in the past. I praised that behavior of being able to decide the better path (more important to me for him to be able to change course than having had a little conflict to begin with).
The other was yesterday when we were at the pool. It was time to go but he didn't want to. I asked the three of my kids to take a picture but he refused because he was upset. I had saw, out of the corner of my eye, him having a fit (hands over face aggressively, slapping the lounge chair hard, tensing up, etc) but didn't say anything. I waited a little time which I did hoping that he would calm himself down with that extra time, asked for a picture and he said no, so I said, ok, time to go. He was relatively fine though doing a minor pouting thing but that dissipated fairly quickly.
He has given a lot less push back on going to practice for swim. I did mention to him that I could tell his triceps had got smaller than they were before (seriously, when he was at swim practice every day this 10 year old had insane triceps). Yesterday he wanted me to feel his triceps again so I think that actually did motivate him.
A lot of great progress.
Though not really close to being a teen.... my little guy has made a ton of progress in being able to moderate his emotions. He goes to a therapist and then OT once a week each and I can see a good amount of progress with him as well.
So, good stuff.
The first was a week or so ago. It was time for me to get go his sister and cousin but he did not want to go. He did his "I'm not going", in the past, once he did that there was never a successful turn from it with him.... either I physically forced him to go or we ended up not going- in either case, he would lose privileges (basically video games) for a period of time. I walked over to him and basically asked him why. He said something about not getting to do what he wanted to do. I replied along the lines with that I really didn't want to end up taking privileges away but I needed him to work with me. If he comes now, we get his sister and cousin then we can come home and talk about a way to figure out him doing what he wanted to do (video games). He said "ok" which honestly surprised the heck out of me. Off we went and when we got back, I told him that I was proud of him for changing from the "I'm not going" as he wouldn't do that in the past. I praised that behavior of being able to decide the better path (more important to me for him to be able to change course than having had a little conflict to begin with).
The other was yesterday when we were at the pool. It was time to go but he didn't want to. I asked the three of my kids to take a picture but he refused because he was upset. I had saw, out of the corner of my eye, him having a fit (hands over face aggressively, slapping the lounge chair hard, tensing up, etc) but didn't say anything. I waited a little time which I did hoping that he would calm himself down with that extra time, asked for a picture and he said no, so I said, ok, time to go. He was relatively fine though doing a minor pouting thing but that dissipated fairly quickly.
He has given a lot less push back on going to practice for swim. I did mention to him that I could tell his triceps had got smaller than they were before (seriously, when he was at swim practice every day this 10 year old had insane triceps). Yesterday he wanted me to feel his triceps again so I think that actually did motivate him.
A lot of great progress.
Though not really close to being a teen.... my little guy has made a ton of progress in being able to moderate his emotions. He goes to a therapist and then OT once a week each and I can see a good amount of progress with him as well.
So, good stuff.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Been a lot going on my little sort of adopted 15 year old. The good: she passed all her classes and we have her enrolled in a new school for next year that's much smaller and I think a better fit for what she wants. She should be able to graduate early and leave with a certification for something like pharmacy tech, vet assistant, etc. so she can be employed in something a little better than just a starting no skill job. She's not really interested in college right now. We are also in the process of getting her started with a government agency that will help her find a job, have a job coach, etc. She needs that because her social skills and emotional regulation with strangers isn't very good. She passed drivers training, she's just waiting on her aunt to take her to the SoS to get her permit.It's been 3 weeks waiting which is frustrating.
I was in Italy but she sent me a really sweet Fathers Day message, said she loved me and if it was cool with me, she wanted me to have the role in her life forever, be a grandpa to her kids, walk her down the aisle, etc. Obviously I am very much cool with that. When I got back she gave me a sweet handrawn card and a message of "thank you for healing a heart you didn't break and loving a child you didn't make." We saw Inside Out 2 and had a great day...then
that night at about 11:00 I was woken up to her calling which I immediately knew meant someting was very wrong. She was on the phone hyperventiliating saying she needed me, things are really bad and I had to get her. We talked the whole way there and I picked her up. She was a mess. Sobbing, very drunk. Her boyfriend dumped her via text and she drank a whole pint of Jack Daniels but then got very uncomfortable with the guy she was hanging out with. She let out so much of her self loathing telling me to just leave, she was bad, she would ruin my life, her parnets didn't want her so why should I, I am making a mistake, I don't deserve this and she doesn't deserve to have someone who cares about her, etc. Also so upset that why can't she just live with me and my wife and why wasn't she just born my kid. It was really emotional. I couldn't get ahold of any of her family members. I tried to take her to her aunts or grandmas but she kept threatening to run away but she did agree she would come to my house and crash on the couch. She spent the next morning throwing up, shaking, crying, etc. but we nursed her back to health and got her home. She told me she didn't even get in trouble. her aunt just told her she needs to stop getting in trouble.
We are going to the Tigers game today so that will be nice but then I have to leave for a week to help take care of my MIL who isn't doing well. She promised she would be good and stay out of trouble this week- especially for me. It's just so tough because I do want her to live with me. She wants to live with me. We would take 100x better care of her. But I don't even know how that conversation happens. I feel sort of trapped. So close to something I really want, but it's just out of reach. She's such a good kid, but she has a lot to work on still and she's not getting the help she needs at home. It makes me so sad and so angry.
I was in Italy but she sent me a really sweet Fathers Day message, said she loved me and if it was cool with me, she wanted me to have the role in her life forever, be a grandpa to her kids, walk her down the aisle, etc. Obviously I am very much cool with that. When I got back she gave me a sweet handrawn card and a message of "thank you for healing a heart you didn't break and loving a child you didn't make." We saw Inside Out 2 and had a great day...then
that night at about 11:00 I was woken up to her calling which I immediately knew meant someting was very wrong. She was on the phone hyperventiliating saying she needed me, things are really bad and I had to get her. We talked the whole way there and I picked her up. She was a mess. Sobbing, very drunk. Her boyfriend dumped her via text and she drank a whole pint of Jack Daniels but then got very uncomfortable with the guy she was hanging out with. She let out so much of her self loathing telling me to just leave, she was bad, she would ruin my life, her parnets didn't want her so why should I, I am making a mistake, I don't deserve this and she doesn't deserve to have someone who cares about her, etc. Also so upset that why can't she just live with me and my wife and why wasn't she just born my kid. It was really emotional. I couldn't get ahold of any of her family members. I tried to take her to her aunts or grandmas but she kept threatening to run away but she did agree she would come to my house and crash on the couch. She spent the next morning throwing up, shaking, crying, etc. but we nursed her back to health and got her home. She told me she didn't even get in trouble. her aunt just told her she needs to stop getting in trouble.
We are going to the Tigers game today so that will be nice but then I have to leave for a week to help take care of my MIL who isn't doing well. She promised she would be good and stay out of trouble this week- especially for me. It's just so tough because I do want her to live with me. She wants to live with me. We would take 100x better care of her. But I don't even know how that conversation happens. I feel sort of trapped. So close to something I really want, but it's just out of reach. She's such a good kid, but she has a lot to work on still and she's not getting the help she needs at home. It makes me so sad and so angry.
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Chadstroma
Footballguy
From where she has been this is tremendous progress but that road she got stuck on earlier in life still has a lot of rough patches before she can get to the highway. I do like that she reached out to you when drunk but in a situation that she was warry of to have you come get her. It seems to me that girls who have gone through what she has in the past, wouldn't be inclined to do that.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Thanks. I try to keep the big picture in mind. She’s way better off from when I found her. Still tough because she was doing so much better this past winter. The eating has fallen off, the drinking has popped back up. The **** that happened at school really seemed to knock her off track. As you would expect of someone with her background, she’s very fragile and it doesn’t take much to shatter her confidence. I am so glad she called. She kept apologizing for it but I tried to really stress how much I appreciated it. It was fortunate because I was out of town for 2 weeks and had just came back the day before and now this evening I leave for another week. It was fortunate it happened when it did because I don’t know what she would have done. She wouldn’t have contacted her aunt or grandma, I know that. I am completely her one safe space in the world.
Chadstroma
Footballguy
It sounds like she has some alcoholism going on there which things like getting dumped by a boyfriend will drive her right back to even if she was doing well for a while. Maybe float the idea of her going to AA meetings if she was open to it. That is another support system that can be built around her that doesn't solely rely on you. You are her anchor right now but she needs more than you to be able to successfully navigate teen years. It is hard enough for kids without all the weight on her shoulders that she is carrying.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Yeah it was actually on my list of things to do this summer even before this happened. She is for sure an alcoholic. She’s been resistant to therapy and I can’t put her in therapy, it requires her guardian signing off on it and she’s just not pushy enough. Also they have let her health insurance lapse so she’s been uninsured all this year. Nothing I can do about it.
But yes she is going to AA with me to check it out.
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
You could point out to her that this is your choice to make, and she shouldn't deprive you of the chance to make that choice. And, yes, I know that's hard.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Thanks. I told her I wasn’t going anywhere, because what I wanted. Like you said stressed this was my choice and I was fully confident in it regardless of what happens.
She was drunk and while I reassured her, so I think what I said didn’t really matter. She was too drunk. What mattered was that I stuck with her and took care of her. We talked about it the next day and she didn’t remember saying all that but admitted she does have those really deep fears but she does know I will always be there for her and she wants me to be part of her life forever.
We’ve been through a lot in the last 16 months- more than I’ve even mentioned here. Maybe sometime later I’ll talk about it more. She’s still full of self doubt but she does really know that I’m in her corner forever and love her unconditionally.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Summer has gone pretty well. We’ve done lots of fun stuff together: museums, hikes, family movie nights, cooking dinner, helping with my new puppy, etc. She got bit by a potentially rabid bat lol but we took care of that and that’s a whole thread about it. She’s done better with her drinking and says she isn’t smoking weed nearly as much. She sees her boyfriend maybe twice a week which I think is reasonable, they have been together 5 months now. He seems like a nice guy. Her aunt and I got her a car for her 16th birthday- though she can’t drive it yet, won’t get her license for a few months still.
Last night we had our most recent teen drama though. Her aunt’s boyfriend walked in on her having sex with her boyfriend. She’s humiliated and he berated her saying she’s disgusting and disrespectful and gross. Her aunt said she can’t see her bf for 2 months. She’s devastated because he’s basically her only friend (or at least friend she likes) and he’s the only person her age she really associates with who doesn’t have substance abuse issues. He’s just a nice kid with a job who encourages her to stay sober and to eat.
I kind of feel the aunt overreacted and created a confusing situation. A couple months ago they found a condom in the trash so they knew she was having sex. They talked with her about getting on the pill (but ofc never followed through). Her aunt and the boys mom had conversations about needing to get on the pill, etc. Her aunt would allow her to have her bf over for hours and hours at a time in her room with the door closed. Like what do you think they are doing? Talk about setting her up for failure. I had talked to her many times about how I would never allow that and I thought she was too young for what she was doing but always stressed that she needed to be safe every time. She seemed to be handling it well and promised me that she was using condoms every time without fail. I don’t know, the situation is confusing to me because I was kind of also under the impression her aunt knew what was going on but also part of me thinks the aunt is just getting so strict about her to appease her boyfriend. But this is a fun new world for me lol I just hope to steer her to see this as opportunity to focus on starting well in her new school, getting a job and just getting herself in a good place instead of seeing it as a disaster that’s ruining her life and pushing her to bad habits. The good news is last night as least she promised me she wasn’t going to do anything bad and her phone location never left her bedroom. She also thanked me a million times for talking to her about this and being there for her so she’s not alone in life.
Last night we had our most recent teen drama though. Her aunt’s boyfriend walked in on her having sex with her boyfriend. She’s humiliated and he berated her saying she’s disgusting and disrespectful and gross. Her aunt said she can’t see her bf for 2 months. She’s devastated because he’s basically her only friend (or at least friend she likes) and he’s the only person her age she really associates with who doesn’t have substance abuse issues. He’s just a nice kid with a job who encourages her to stay sober and to eat.
I kind of feel the aunt overreacted and created a confusing situation. A couple months ago they found a condom in the trash so they knew she was having sex. They talked with her about getting on the pill (but ofc never followed through). Her aunt and the boys mom had conversations about needing to get on the pill, etc. Her aunt would allow her to have her bf over for hours and hours at a time in her room with the door closed. Like what do you think they are doing? Talk about setting her up for failure. I had talked to her many times about how I would never allow that and I thought she was too young for what she was doing but always stressed that she needed to be safe every time. She seemed to be handling it well and promised me that she was using condoms every time without fail. I don’t know, the situation is confusing to me because I was kind of also under the impression her aunt knew what was going on but also part of me thinks the aunt is just getting so strict about her to appease her boyfriend. But this is a fun new world for me lol I just hope to steer her to see this as opportunity to focus on starting well in her new school, getting a job and just getting herself in a good place instead of seeing it as a disaster that’s ruining her life and pushing her to bad habits. The good news is last night as least she promised me she wasn’t going to do anything bad and her phone location never left her bedroom. She also thanked me a million times for talking to her about this and being there for her so she’s not alone in life.
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
The more (the aunt) attempts to control her the worse it will be but I think you know that.
2 months is both dumb and far too punitive, imo.
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
My girls are (almost) 20 and 18.
Helped the oldest move into her new apartment. Kind of a make it or break it year for college. She’s struggled some handling the party life at school but I’m hoping she buckles down this year. She’s always managed things pretty well and is a hard worker so I believe she will continue.
The youngest graduated HS and has really started to grow and come into her own. Exercises almost religiously/daily and cooks dinner for herself and us sometimes. She’s picked that up from her mother and she has skills. She has a job and works hard like her sister.
Still hasn’t gotten her drivers license though. (Didn’t show any interest until recently.) We are buying her a car soon for her to practice and get her license.
Im so proud of both of them.
Helped the oldest move into her new apartment. Kind of a make it or break it year for college. She’s struggled some handling the party life at school but I’m hoping she buckles down this year. She’s always managed things pretty well and is a hard worker so I believe she will continue.
The youngest graduated HS and has really started to grow and come into her own. Exercises almost religiously/daily and cooks dinner for herself and us sometimes. She’s picked that up from her mother and she has skills. She has a job and works hard like her sister.
Still hasn’t gotten her drivers license though. (Didn’t show any interest until recently.) We are buying her a car soon for her to practice and get her license.
Im so proud of both of them.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
That’s really awesome, sounds like you and your wife did a great job getting them set up well for adulthood.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Yeah and she doesn’t really like her aunt so that’s not helping. She sees what goes on and that her aunt doesn’t make her a real priority. She said when her aunt took her and became her guardian, she thought it would be like finally having a mom but it was just another disappointment. She’s going to see right through this for what it is, poor parenting and an attempt to just please her boyfriend. I really really wish she could just move in with my wife and I.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
I just don’t understand how people can be so oblivious. The 16 year old broke plans with me today which has never happened and sent lots of texts hinting that she was wanting to get drunk. I warn her aunt to keep an eye on her because I don’t think she’s in a good place mentally right now and the aunt’s response was “weird I wonder what’s wrong”. Oh I don’t know she just got caught having sex, was berated over it and is grounded from seeing her bf for 2 months. On top of the fact she’s already a kid who’s experienced a lot of trauma, some of sexually related and has a history of significant substance abuse. Oh and I’m pretty sure her grandma is the one buying weed for her and covering for her so she can go drink with friends without the aunt knowing.
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Yep and it ended up as I expected. I picked her up drunk and stumbling through a parking lot trying to walk home. Her then asking what’s wrong with her, why she can’t just live with me, etc. She did say I should be harder on her and then she wants more rules, etc. So I guess I can try that even though my only power to enforce anything is her respect for me.
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NajehHejan
Footballguy
Nervous about the year ahead for my 16yo son (rising Junior). His grades slipped last year from mostly A’s to mostly B’s. All within the last year, he got suspended (almost expelled) for fighting in the school bathroom, got caught at home with weed/vape, got caught stealing at the mall, and got caught for being high on gummies at Boy Scouts camp. He’s been grounded every step of the way, and we’re talking the crap out of everything with him. I’m hoping he’ll stay out of trouble and dial in and get excellent grades, with his eye on the prize of getting into his college of choice (and the freedom that will come with it), but I’m crapping bricks. Any advice, or just try to keep being supportive and positive? We had him see a therapist for a bit, but the guy was a dolt, did no good, only cared about getting paid quickly.
Chadstroma
Footballguy
Any ideas on the source of the change?
Ilov80s
Footballguy
What does he say about it? When you have grounded him, what did he think about it? I get the idea of grounding but it sounds like it's just led to worse and worse behaviors and perhaps isn't giving you the results you want. Plus grounding isn't going to work when he goes off to college. As you can see if you skim thread, I don't have easy answers but I've had some success- I think it a big part of it was flipping my role. Instead of seeing myself as the teacher and them the student who needed to learn from me. I made myself the student who needed to learn from them. Not to say I never give advice- of course I do, but I try to make sure it's at a time they are open it if and it's always with the focus of this will help you get what you want and this will keep you safe. But yeah, not easy at all.. Do you know of a coach, teacher, friend's parent, etc. that he might be close to that might have some insight you could be missing or who might have more success talking with them?
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fantasy stud
Footballguy
my kid in when in 7th grade did the same thing. Wore ugly black sweat pants to school everyday. It drove me crazy. Luckily, the phase passed and he started wearing shorts again in 8th grade.
The Z Machine
Footballguy
My 11 year old daughter was such a raging b at pickup today from her first day of school at a new school. I nearly slapped her in public. I was so furious that I couldn't be around her. I just HATE the attitude and negativity and it gets under my skin. I couldn't eat lunch with the family as I was still raging.
It's only going to get worse... I know.
It's only going to get worse... I know.
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
She doesn’t mean it. She has a kabillion things going on in her head/her body/her world and she doesn’t know what to do with all the emotions/feelings. She is just a kettle and the water needs someplace to escape.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Yep and it’s almost always going to escape with the people she feels most comfortable with. I get that all the time as a teacher. Wonderful perfectly behaved kids and then parents talking about how insane they are at home and the kid is a monster. Doesn’t make it easier to live with I am sure but it is normal.
El Floppo
Footballguy
Exactly that.
11yo girls are supposed to act that way unfortunately... Part of their development.
That said, we've had semi-recurring conversations where we tell both kids with no uncertainty- you will not talk to us like that. Not ok. If there's a problem, tell us and we'll work it out.
The Z Machine
Footballguy
She's gotten a little better in the last few days. Actually said a few good things about her new school.
nirad3
Footballguy
13-year old daughter was up and out of the house by 6:30am this morning to go to a friend's house to get ready for first day of 8th grade. Missed out on our traditional "first day of school" pics with her brother, so we'll have to make do with "second day of school" pics tomorrow. I did get a few shots of my 11 (almost 12) year old son on his way out to his first day of middle school. He's changed quite a bit in the past few months. During grammar school he didn't really care what he wore (jeans, tshirt, hat and sweatshirt mostly) but now that he's in middle school? Yeah, he went to his big sis for advice, made sure his hair looked good, had his high-top skater shoes and fashionable corduroy pants and skater t-shirt on today.
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
YMMV, but both of my girls were not always awesome from about middle school until about senior year of HS.
I’m happy to report that they don’t stay monsters.
0-12 was magic.
12-17ish = hell on earth
17+ Not magic anymore, but more awesome with each day.
I imagine the next payoff with be grandchildren.
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arrow1
Footballguy
Yes...it is
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Been a bit since I updated and it’s been a rough time. She still loves me, we hang out a lot and everything but whatever magic I had to make her believe she could overcome her problems has dissipated. The trauma and chaotic upbringing is just too much right now. It’s still way way better than when I found her but I am worried about where she is headed in life.
My wife thinks I should put my foot down more and tell if she’s not doing what she needs to do, I won’t talk to her or won’t hang out with her. To me, if I’m her dad (which all basically accept) then that seems cruel and neglectful. I mean I’m not going to spend a bunch of money doing fun things she wants all the time but I still want to get dinner and watch movies and talk about her life. I get my wife’s idea but I just don’t agree with it. What do you guys think?
My wife thinks I should put my foot down more and tell if she’s not doing what she needs to do, I won’t talk to her or won’t hang out with her. To me, if I’m her dad (which all basically accept) then that seems cruel and neglectful. I mean I’m not going to spend a bunch of money doing fun things she wants all the time but I still want to get dinner and watch movies and talk about her life. I get my wife’s idea but I just don’t agree with it. What do you guys think?
ChiefD
Footballguy
I think now is when you need to stay consistent and supportive.
You can't give her an ultimatum of "if you don't do it right i will not do this for you...". All that tells her is someone else has failed her. Remember, she is a teenager with hormones on top of the bad upbringing and it's hard to break through BOTH of those barriers.
As this point you keep having her back. Just like a regular teenager they aren't going to listen to you half the time but you gotta be there to have their back no matter what. That's what parenting is. And sometimes the best thing to do is keep advice to a minimum and just listen. Just be there. Let her know you will always be there.
Kids know when they screw up. But they need to know that you know they will screw up and you will be there for whatever they need. And you hope your advice sticks at some point.
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
What he said. She really needs that feeling that if she is in trouble, someone will be there to pick her up and take her to a safe place.
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