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Tell Me Why I Should Have Children... (1 Viewer)

N

Nikki2200

Footballguy
I think this is the first thread I've started here.

Background: I got married a few months ago. Husband wants kids but wouldn't be devastated if we didn't have any. I have a sister who is 15 years younger than me, and I played a huge part in raising her so I totally "get" what having kids is all about. I can even say honestly that I was probably more of a parent to her in her first 5 years of life than my parents were because she just always wanted to be with me. So I am fully aware of what goes into having a baby (minus the actually act of birthing it) and raising it, at least in the younger years.

I'm in my mid-late 30s now. When I was younger (like 20) I always thought I wanted to have 6 kids. Now? I don't know. I'm selfish. I like doing whatever I want whenever I want and just having to take care of a husband is irking me. I have no patience. I work full time and I am the bread winner. I've had a series of long term relationships since I was 16 lasting anywhere from 2 to 6 years before I got married. But now I'm married, and I'm still adjusting to the concept that I have to take care of another individual besides myself (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) on top of working and I'm freaking exhausted. Not that I haven't lived with another man before but it is setting in that this is going to be my life for the rest of my life, whereas before it never seemed permanent. He will never cook or do laundry or clean. Forever. Until I die I am going to be coming home from work every night and cooking dinner and throwing a load of laundry in or scrubbing a toilet.

I don't want to be pregnant for 9 months. I then don't' want to not eat a nut for a freaking year after that because it could supposedly *kill* my baby. I don't want morning sickness or stretch marks. I want to go to the Amalfi Coast and have someone serve me wine for a week while I lay in a chair to recoup energy.

But I think I need to have kids. I think I would probably be happy with kids even though right here an now my life is so not about kids. I can't imagine myself at a soccer game. It's not something I can even fathom. But I feel that if we don't have kids we will regret it later. 20 years from now.... what do we do? Sit here and stare at each other for the rest of our lives? The holidays would be awful. Everyone always says it's so rewarding and it's the best thing they ever did. My mindset doesn't see how this is such an awesome prospect other than we don't want to be lonely old farts some day with no family. I need people to tell me good things about having kids and why it should be done. We've already started kinda trying, but I think if I actually got pregnant I would have a panic attack.

Tell me why it's good...

 
If you even have to ask this question then you definitely shouldn't have any. Please do the rest of us a favor and don't.

 
Mr. Pickles said:
Nikki2200 said:
Mr. Pickles said:
Sounds like you married a complete tool typical male.
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FTFY
Click to expand...
A month in and you're ready to cut yourself just to feel alive. I'm sure this is common.
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Out of curiosity, how much time do you spend scrubbing toilets?

I'm basing this on a multitude of relationships I've had over the years. I know there are a few gems out there that actually share in housework, I just haven't met one after 20 years of dating.

To be fair... we just moved in 7 weeks ago and my level of cleaning is not normal upkeep type cleaning. I need to sanitize every square inch of every closet before we put something in it, which is done now. But now with Christmas coming up, and me hosting both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I'm freaking exhausted.

 
Nikki2200 said:
Mr. Pickles said:
Nikki2200 said:
Mr. Pickles said:
Sounds like you married a complete tool typical male.
Click to expand...
FTFY
Click to expand...
A month in and you're ready to cut yourself just to feel alive. I'm sure this is common.
Click to expand...
Out of curiosity, how much time do you spend scrubbing toilets?

I'm basing this on a multitude of relationships I've had over the years. I know there are a few gems out there that actually share in housework, I just haven't met one after 20 years of dating.

To be fair... we just moved in 7 weeks ago and my level of cleaning is not normal upkeep type cleaning. I need to sanitize every square inch of every closet before we put something in it, which is done now. But now with Christmas coming up, and me hosting both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I'm freaking exhausted.
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That seems a bit obsessive, but to each his/her own. You probably should not have kids if you feel this way about cleaning. Although I have met a few women with this level of germophobia that relaxed their attitudes after having children. For the better, I don't know. It was never a topic of conversation.

 
This reads more like a buyer's remorse post than anything else. Some of that's natural - everyone has a "what the hell have I DONE?" moment or two after getting married. But I think you are wondering if you ####ed up big-time in getting married to this guy. You talk as much about scrubbing toilets as you do about having a kid. It sounds to me like you're asking "should I forge another link in this dead-weight chain I've shackled myself to?" instead of "should I have children?".

Look, I know from selfish. One of my first thoughts when my ex told me she was pregnant was "am I going to be able to stop for Happy Hour on the way home anymore?". I immediately felt ashamed and even moreso when she miscarried. So, I'm the last person to beat someone else up for admitting that they're selfish (& kudos to you for recognizing it).

I would seriously think about therapy. Somewhere you can ask the tough questions and get no-bull#### answers back. Your post reads as though the only result is bitterness & disaster, and is probably going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I certainly would think twice about getting knocked up until I had a clearer picture of where things stand and if it's (the marriage to your apparent no-good, lazy bum of a husband) what I wanted.

 
Stop doing his laundry. Or anything else until he shares the work. But you really should have figured this stuff out before you married him. Marriage is a partnership, not indentured servitude.

 
Tell your husband that it is not 1950 and that he needs to help around the house. Seems like you should not have kids until you determine if your marriage is going to work. At this point, it does not look promising.

Having my daughter was the best thing that happened to me.

 
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msommer said:
Nikki2200 said:
Mr. Pickles said:
Nikki2200 said:
Mr. Pickles said:
Sounds like you married a complete tool typical male.
Click to expand...
FTFY
Click to expand...
A month in and you're ready to cut yourself just to feel alive. I'm sure this is common.
Click to expand...
Out of curiosity, how much time do you spend scrubbing toilets?

I'm basing this on a multitude of relationships I've had over the years. I know there are a few gems out there that actually share in housework, I just haven't met one after 20 years of dating.

To be fair... we just moved in 7 weeks ago and my level of cleaning is not normal upkeep type cleaning. I need to sanitize every square inch of every closet before we put something in it, which is done now. But now with Christmas coming up, and me hosting both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I'm freaking exhausted.
Click to expand...
That seems a bit obsessive, but to each his/her own. You probably should not have kids if you feel this way about cleaning. Although I have met a few women with this level of germophobia that relaxed their attitudes after having children. For the better, I don't know. It was never a topic of conversation.
Click to expand...
My wife is/was a neat freak and then we had 3 kids. It has been a hard adjustment for her. But you are a whole different level. Kids ooze mess, eat like animals, snot all over everything. And we haven't gotten to potty training. OTOH, we need more taxpayers to fund my SS.

 
I think most people probably shouldn't have children especially the dumb, selfish and poor. Seems like you only fit into one of those categories but I do find that most women who don't have kids tend to go off the deep end later in life. Then again, a large group of women with kids are bat ### crazy as well. Not sure of my point except that women are mostly crazy. Oh, you might want someone to help you wipe your ### in your later years and if you have the right kid perhaps they will help or at least hire someone to do it.

 
My wife is 35 and never wanted kids. Some think she is selfish but she would do anything for me, her close friends, and her family. She wants to be the breadwinner and she just doesn't have the instincts of a caretaker. I am fine with not having kids. She was up front about it when we started dating. I had a vasectomy this summer after years of inefficient prevention (if it happened, it happened). We were never scared about the responsibility of kids. We just never had that itch.

At the same time, my wife assumes that I would be great dad. We share in the housework where I handle more of the day to day and she cleans everything at once a couple times a month. I do most of the cooking. As a teenager, I helped raise my older sibling kids (who all were in my house day one) including all the aspects of parenting outside of the major financial demands. That said, we have provided a lot of money to my nephews and nieces over the years.

It appears it isn't easy for career driven women to find the right person to marry. Well it is obvious that not a lot of men are "prepared" for that type of women, I also think that career driven women aren't always clear (with themselves as well as others) about their desires and expectations. That thought comes from knowing some of these women and also the fact that their path isn't clearly defined in our society. That said, our marriage and relationship has been the best thing in our lives. Her career is very important to her. I understand who she is and expect her to be herself with me. She relies on me in a way she relies on no one. I don't think she knew what she wanted out of me initially but who I am seems to be enough.

I can't speak to your situation with any certainty but it doesn't seem like a healthy situation for a kid. That said, I think that many, many kids are raised in similar or worse situations. I don't know if you are an unreasonable clean freak or if you husband is literally worthless around the house. It does appear (just from reading your concerns) that squeezing a kid into that dynamic will not solve any problems. It rarely does.

WiIl you regret not having kids? Maybe so. We are both 35 and we don't regret the vasectomy. We don't expect we will but there is still a lot of time. I know the joys and pride that come with raising children. My role in four young lives has given me tons of stress but also the joy of seeing them happy and sometimes the pride in knowing that you had a hand in their happiness.

 
the movie Children of Men would have been better if there were a couple of scenes of people gayly flitting around, pubbing, eating out and carrying on as if there's not a care in the world instead of EVERYONE being all somber that humans lost the ability to reproduce.

 
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For the love of god, please do not have a child. At least not right now. I can't imagine how miserable you would make that child's life given your current attitude towards life.

 
I'm a man who has spent much my life in search of an artificial high, but the greatest high in my life is when I hear a little squeaky voice say "Daddy! Daddy!!" and I look down and see a big-eyed doll who I know loves me and needs me. You can't truly understand that feeling until you experience it, but I'm guessing that every parent here knows exactly what I'm talking about.

I was curled up with and cuddling my infant daughter this morning. The highlight of my day was before I even got out of bed.

 
They're nothing but money-sucking little sacks of feces. I like my peace & quiet and sleep. No thanks. Get a puppy.

 
You guys are brutal. This girl cooks, cleans, does the laundry, and pulls down good money at work. Stop being so critical.

Listen, Nikki, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on...

 
Not everyone needs to have kids. You and your husband have some things you need to work out before entertaining the idea.

 
Listen lunatic if you have to be convinced to have kids then do us all a favor and don't have any. It doesn't make you selfish but asking the question makes you a bat crap lunatic. I'm the marriage expert around here and let me tell you something girl. You need to tell your lazy, leech-bung husband to help you out around the house. I cook dinner every night because I get home from work earlier than my wife does. I wash my own friggin' clothes because I'm an adult and don't have to wait for someone else to do it. Actually, I take that back about your husband. He is actually the smart one. He has a cooking, cleaning slut-slave to take care of him while he sits around eating bon-bons. I like your husband but you are a whiney-bunghole compulsive slut-bag itchbay.....and you make me want to vomit. At least you're not selfish.

 
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Jewell said:
I'm a man who has spent much my life in search of an artificial high, but the greatest high in my life is when I hear a little squeaky voice say "Daddy! Daddy!!" and I look down and see a big-eyed doll who I know loves me and needs me. You can't truly understand that feeling until you experience it, but I'm guessing that every parent here knows exactly what I'm talking about.

I was curled up with and cuddling my infant daughter this morning. The highlight of my day was before I even got out of bed.
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:yes:

 
Nikki2200 said:
I think this is the first thread I've started here.

Background: I got married .... I have a sister ..... I played a huge part in raising her so I totally "get" ..... I can even say honestly that I was .......

I'm in my mid-late 30s now. When I was younger (like 20) I always thought I wanted to have 6 kids. Now? I don't know. I'm selfish.

I like .......I want ........ I want ....... I have ...... I work ....... I am .......I've had........ I was ...... I got .........I'm married, and I'm still adjusting t......... I have ......, and I'm freaking exhausted. Not that I haven't l....Until I die I am ......

I don't ......I then don't' want ...... I don't want ......I want ....... I lay .....

I think I need t....... think I would ......I can't .... I can ...... I feel . I need .... .

Tell me why it's good...
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You shouldn't.
 
I'm surprised by the fact that there are so many good posts in this thread. We'll done FFA.

My input: my daughter makes life worth living. I never knew how much I could love something and how much another person could make me happy until she came along. Now we have another little girl due in two months and I couldn't be happier.

The flip side is your marriage sounds like it needs some serious work already with regard to expectations. Good luck.

 
Newborns make marriage harder not easier. If you are having problems kid free, you won't make it a year after a baby is introduced.

 
Are there still guys who DON'T help around the house (without some pre-determined arrangement)? Seriously? I mean, it's 2013 and roles have changed so much. Do you still have a VCR too?

I'd say at this point you need to work a bit on your marriage first before ANY kids are brought into the picture. Your post SCREAMS that you're having regrets already.

 
I knew a girl named Nikki

I guess you could say she was a sex fiend

I met her in a hotel lobby

Masturbating with a magazine

She said, "How'd you like to waste some time?"

And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind

She took me to her castle

And I just couldn't believe my eyes

She had so many devices

Everything that money could buy

She said, "Sign your name on the dotted line"

The lights went out and Nikki started to grind

Nikki

The castle started spinning

Or maybe it was my brain

I can't tell you what she did to me

But me body will never be the same

Her lovin' will kick your behind

Oh, she'll show you no mercy

But she'll sho'nuff, sho'nuff

Show you how to grind

Darling Nikki, oh

Woke up the next morning Nikki wasn't there

I looked all over and all I found

Was a phone number on the stairs

It said, "Thank you for a funky time

Call me up whenever you want to grind"

Oh, Nikki, oh

Oh come back Nikki, come back

Your dirty little Prince wanna grind, grind, grind, grind

Grind, grind, grind,

 
Agree that your husband needs to start pulling some go##amn weight. I work full-time, do 95% of the cooking, and do 100% of my laundry. I pitch in other places when I can.

 
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