What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.

The Colonblow Diaries (1 Viewer)

V

Vivian Darkbloom

Footballguy
Welcome!

This is where I will be detailing my day-to-day experiences w/r/t the Master Cleansing project. You will enjoy all the delicious tastes (all one of them) right along with me. You will be kept informed of any physical, mental, emotional, or other changes and maladies. And of course, you will be made privy to my privy. Enter at your own risk.

Day 0, 9:00 PM ( Yes, day 0 again. :bag: )

Due to time constraints, I was unable to get to the food store this AM. So I went through another humdrum day of people-food. Mexican for lunch, Indian for dinner, FTR. As of about fifteen minutes ago, however, I’m officially locked, loaded, and ready to cleanse. :thumbup:

The shopping trip lowdown:

6 “Large” (read: not all that large) lemons @ .50 per = $3.00

1 Jar Grandma’s Unsulphured Blackstrap Molasses* = $2.89

1 Thingy full of ground cayenne pepper = $3.69

1 Set of measuring spoons, by Ecko = $2.49

1 Box “Smooth Move” herbal laxative tea, by Traditional Medicinals = $4.19

Add in tax for the spoons and the total expenditure for what I’m hoping will be the next week’s chow (give or take .50 here and there if I have to go back for more lemons): $16.43.

I’ve ordered more expensive appetizers. “Cost prohibitive” should officially be stricken from the list of reasons to avoid this program. “May result in death” is still a good one, but hey, that’s why I’m here to guinea pig for y’all. If at any point I fail to report in at least once during the calendar day, you may safely assume I'm dead, and that colonblow is probably something you should avoid.

So then. In the next hour or so, I’m planning to enjoy my final pre-cleansing poo, and subsequently to enjoy my first glass of colonblow lemonade before bedtime. I’ll be full-bore tomorrow, but right now, I’m too curious to let this go till the AM before at least a taste test. Report will follow.

Feel free to ask any questions. I reserve the right to respond to only those which pique my interest.

(* Note: “Grade B” syrup having proven hard to find, I subbed in the molasses, which gets the official nod of approval from at least some of the M.C. sites.)

 
Pre-MC size: 6'5", 218 lbs. I am not projecting any measurable effect on height.Daily energy cycle: Usually up around 7am, and sluggish till 8. Mid-to-late morning becomes my most productive period. Sluggish again after lunch (nappy time), then good to go till ~midnight (not quite at mid-morning energy levels, but pretty good, I think).Daily poo: Generally 1 morning, 1 late afternoon, or sometimes both. Those wondering how often you'll be running to the can can calibrate accordingly.General health: Good, so far as I know. Maybe a tad shy of robust, but I work out, eat okay, and all that. I do booze up and riot from time to time, but for the duration of this project, I will be booze & coffee free.

 
I am just waiting to hear the excitement of the worms coming out. If this works for you, I may try it after the Super Bowl as I could probably stand to use the Colonblow and weight loss aspects of this "diet." If you die, please let me know so I don't try this.

 
Day 0, 9:45 PM

Well, I've just downed the first glass of what will be my only sort of sustenance for the next X amount of days (X here equalling at least the # needed to go through Sunday, but with a little flexibility built in, in case I want to go longer).

Official opinion: weird.

1/2 a lemon appears to be about what it takes to fill up 2 tablespoons, so instead of measuring each time, I'm just squeezing half a lemon into the cup from now on. Looks like about 3 whole lemons per day will be the consumption rate. And hey, that's alright.

I honestly believe half a lemon's juice plus Grandma's Unsulphured Blackstrap Molasses, mixed into water and chilled with a little ice, would make a nice, refreshing summertime beverage. Toss in a little cayenne pepper, though, and it makes for a wild ride. Five minutes after the fact, I can still feel my lips tingling -- probably due to a touch of previously unnoticed wintertime chapping. (Note to self: chapstick.)

The overall effect is as if some not-especially-liked frat brother had dropped a dash of tabasco in your lemonade when you weren't looking. Still, the overall taste is tolerable enough that I'm not exactly dreading the experience.

 
Day 0, 9:45 PM

Well, I've just downed the first glass of what will be my only sort of sustenance for the next X amount of days (X here equalling at least the # needed to go through Sunday, but with a little flexibility built in, in case I want to go longer).

Official opinion: weird.

1/2 a lemon appears to be about what it takes to fill up 2 tablespoons, so instead of measuring each time, I'm just squeezing half a lemon into the cup from now on. Looks like about 3 whole lemons per day will be the consumption rate. And hey, that's alright.

I honestly believe half a lemon's juice plus Grandma's Unsulphured Blackstrap Molasses, mixed into water and chilled with a little ice, would make a nice, refreshing summertime beverage. Toss in a little cayenne pepper, though, and it makes for a wild ride. Five minutes after the fact, I can still feel my lips tingling -- probably due to a touch of previously unnoticed wintertime chapping. (Note to self: chapstick.)

The overall effect is as if some not-especially-liked frat brother had dropped a dash of tabasco in your lemonade when you weren't looking. Still, the overall taste is tolerable enough that I'm not exactly dreading the experience.
Click to expand...
You will learn to like it. num num :banned:
 
Can you explain the goal here and where you got your info.Is this a diet or colon cleansing or both?Did the cayenne cause any burning upon exit?

 
OK... on to the questions:1) Why?2) How long?3) Why?4) Is that really all you are allowed to consume?5) Does all that lemon make you look like a fish :cheekssuckedin:?6) Tell my why again?HERD

 
Can you explain the goal here and where you got your info.Is this a diet or colon cleansing or both?Did the cayenne cause any burning upon exit?
Click to expand...
Yes.I got my info from this message board. I mostly pieced it together from bits of posts by guys with wacky screen names and goofy avatars. Rumor had it that, after a Master Cleanse cycle...A) I would feel youthful and robust againB) I would lose some deal of weight, due to having shedded 20 year old fecal matter that had been clinging tenaciously to the sides of my colonC) I would have poo that looked creepy and stank like deathAt that point, I was sold, and in lieu of seeking medical opinion, I accepted on faith the ideology pushed by an alternative healer who has, so far as I know, only once been imprisoned for having killed a patient with his bogus medical advice.Also, somebody said Howard Stern did it.The cayenne pepper has yet to exit. Be assured that any stool-related discomfort will be disclosed in future entries.
 
Can you explain the goal here and where you got your info.Is this a diet or colon cleansing or both?Did the cayenne cause any burning upon exit?
Click to expand...
Yes.I got my info from this message board. I mostly pieced it together from bits of posts by guys with wacky screen names and goofy avatars. Rumor had it that, after a Master Cleanse cycle...A) I would feel youthful and robust againB) I would lose some deal of weight, due to having shedded 20 year old fecal matter that had been clinging tenaciously to the sides of my colonC) I would have poo that looked creepy and stank like deathAt that point, I was sold, and in lieu of seeking medical opinion, I accepted on faith the ideology pushed by an alternative healer who has, so far as I know, only once been imprisoned for having killed a patient with his bogus medical advice.Also, somebody said Howard Stern did it.The cayenne pepper has yet to exit. Be assured that any stool-related discomfort will be disclosed in future entries.
Click to expand...
:rotflmao:
 
OK... on to the questions:

2) How long?

4) Is that really all you are allowed to consume?
Click to expand...
How long is up in the air. I'm going for a minimum of a three-day weekend (Fri-Sun), unless I begin experiencing fainting spells or feel myself suddenly and inexplicably drawn to politics, at which point I will drag myself to the nearest pizza shop and commence reanimation.Is that all I'm allowed to consume? HAH! Don't be absurd. I will also be consuming (twice daily) Smooth Move herbal laxative tea, to facilitate the evacuation of the 20 year old fecal worm things. Those two things are all I'm allowed to consume. Again, while this may not square with those food pyramids we all learned about in 2nd grade, this is still a good bit healthier than I ate from 1989 through 1995, when college had me on a strict diet of beer, macaroni and cheese, and edible underpants. This HAS to be better for me than that, so if I survived that for six years, I imagine I can survive this for three days (or more).

 
OK... on to the questions:1) Why?2) How long?3) Why?4) Is that really all you are allowed to consume?5) Does all that lemon make you look like a fish :cheekssuckedin:?6) Tell my why again?HERD
Click to expand...
ALIAS ALERT!Ahem....Goat Herder....ahem....
 
Viv-I am lmfao reading this, and am hooked. I anxiously await the results. Your #1 (#2?) fan, KidSwedeGood luck, bro!

 
If ever a thread deserved to be pinned, it's this one. Forget the :pics: you need a web cam. :thumbup: Oh the desperation of a weekend without football in it. The cold winds of the offseason approach. :cry:

 
This has all the makings of the thread of the century- drama (awaiting the poo), fear (again, awaiting the poo), humor (once again, awaiting the poo), possibility of death, etc. I'm going to have to stay close to my computer for frequent updates. Now I know what I'm doing without any football on: Vivian's poop watch!Keep up the great updates. :thumbup:

 
This has all the makings of the thread of the century- drama (awaiting the poo), fear (again, awaiting the poo), humor (once again, awaiting the poo), possibility of death, etc. I'm going to have to stay close to my computer for frequent updates. Now I know what I'm doing without any football on: Vivian's poop watch!Keep up the great updates. :thumbup:
Click to expand...
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
 
This has all the makings of the thread of the century- drama (awaiting the poo), fear (again, awaiting the poo), humor (once again, awaiting the poo), possibility of death, etc. I'm going to have to stay close to my computer for frequent updates. Now I know what I'm doing without any football on: Vivian's poop watch!Keep up the great updates. :thumbup:
Click to expand...
It's exactly this sort of morbid fascination with poo that I'm counting on to drive me forward when things start to get hairy.
 
Viv - While I have no desire to remove the any excess matter from my colon, know I am with you in spirit. Based on the first couple of posts, this thread should be a classic.LMFAO :rotflmao:

 
OK... on to the questions:1) Why?2) How long?3) Why?4) Is that really all you are allowed to consume?5) Does all that lemon make you look like a fish :cheekssuckedin:?6) Tell my why again?HERD
Click to expand...
ALIAS ALERT!Ahem....Goat Herder....ahem....
Click to expand...
Capella is not HERD!
 
OK... on to the questions:

2) How long?

4) Is that really all you are allowed to consume?
Click to expand...
How long is up in the air. I'm going for a minimum of a three-day weekend (Fri-Sun), unless I begin experiencing fainting spells or feel myself suddenly and inexplicably drawn to politics, at which point I will drag myself to the nearest pizza shop and commence reanimation.Is that all I'm allowed to consume? HAH! Don't be absurd. I will also be consuming (twice daily) Smooth Move herbal laxative tea, to facilitate the evacuation of the 20 year old fecal worm things. Those two things are all I'm allowed to consume. Again, while this may not square with those food pyramids we all learned about in 2nd grade, this is still a good bit healthier than I ate from 1989 through 1995, when college had me on a strict diet of beer, macaroni and cheese, and edible underpants. This HAS to be better for me than that, so if I survived that for six years, I imagine I can survive this for three days (or more).
Click to expand...
It takes a while for the Master Cleanser to work...a 3 day period will do nothing for you. Supposedly, the minimum is 10 days and some people do it for months. For people thinking this is a fad diet, they are completely wrong. This is not a diet at all...but rather a way to cleanse your body of toxins and properly rid yourself of mucoid plaque that has been stored in your body for God knows how long. The weight loss is a total side effect. If anyone is looking to solely lose weight, they should look at other avenues other than the Master Cleanser.
 
I am drinking #7 of a 12 pack of MGD right now and eating a one of those great starts breakfast sandwiches at 10:30 at night.My colon feels fine!!

 
After this new input from Mr. Nasty this is still riveting.

Vivian/Mordred - Have you looked at this site Colonblow.com ? Looks like about double the cost of your "home made" concoction.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
I did this a couple years back for 7 days. Your poo poo will smell of dead roadkill I promise. Just like what was said before this is not a diet but a cleaning out process and I know people that do it for 30 days in a row " I would not recommend that"Good Luck

 
[How long is up in the air. I'm going for a minimum of a three-day weekend (Fri-Sun), unless I begin experiencing fainting spells or feel myself suddenly and inexplicably drawn to politics, at which point I will drag myself to the nearest pizza shop and commence reanimation.
Click to expand...
So you started your 3-day weekend on Wednesday night?
 
How was the morning "drink". I'm curious to see an update. Also, those who have tried this before, how long before the first big "release"?

 
I would be interested in trying this, but I am unsure if my body will let me. I tried the 'Atkins' thing a couple years ago but it drove me insane. At day 2.5 I was almost shaking, my mind was very skidish and I could not concentrate. I was eating like a fiend, but still very very hungry. What put me over the top was I went to make some decaff at work, but the water in the machine, opened the bag of decaff, put the coffee in the filter, put the pot in the machine and turned it on. Hot water started spewing everywhere as I forgot to put the filter container in the machine. If anyone hasnt looked at the 'sprinkler system' coffe machines use to put water in the housing, it is very impressive ... and powerfull. At that point I knew I couldnt handle it. I really think my body is a carb machine. When I was in college, I lost some weight doing a all carbs, no sat-fat (5-10g a day) and had no problem. I could eat a bag of pretzles and drink a gallon of water with no problem.This colon blow sounds nice, but I would like to hear how 'satisying' the drinks are.JAA

 
Day 1, 10:00 AM

The start of the first FULL day. :thumbup:

Slept fine after drink #1 last evening, so at the very least, that concoction won't keep you up all night on its own merits. There's something to be said for that.

Woke up this AM not feeling especially hungry, but then, I don't normally anyway. Put down another CB lemonade, and yes, it still tastes a little funky to me. Not bad, mind you. Just funky.

But the new experience in the early part of the day is the addition of Smooth Move herbal laxative tea to the menu.

Smooth Move is supposed to guide me gently by the hand into bowel-related bliss 8-12 hours after ingestion. We'll see. What I can tell you is that I prefer the cayenne lemony taste of the lemonade to the taste of this stuff. And really, it's not even so much the taste, as the feel. This tea is thick -- like a shake. And mostly tasteless. The effect suggest drinking candlewax, except it doesn't harden as it goes down. (I hope.)

This being day one, no changes in anything but diet to report at this point.

A note to gung-ho guy above: three days isn't so much a goal as a line of demarcation. If I reach 3 and don't feel like my body is revolting in some meaningful way, I'll forge ahead. If, after three, I'm contemplating throwing myself beneath the wheels of an onrushing truck, I'm out. It's part of my mission to let the FBG's know how the average cat will handle this whole business, so I'm committed to a 3-day minimum, unless I feel my body so wracked by nutritional discomfort that I simply can't go on.

 
This is the best thread I've ever read.Vivian, you're an f'n ham, man. You crack me up.Please don't die.P.S.....is there anyone who lives with you in case you become feeble and dieish? Maybe you should give one of us your phone number or address so we can check on you should you be a lonely person like Shining Path or James Buchanon.

 
WTF? 50 cents per Lemon? you got screwed.sorry. continue.
Click to expand...
yeah! that's seems like a lot.Do you just cut the lemons in half and then squeeze with all your might? what of all the seeds? and do you just heat the water in the microwave? and do you have a favorite glass?Note: I'm asking this of Vivian, and not S-Team, even though I'm quoting S-Team.
 
WTF? 50 cents per Lemon? you got screwed.sorry. continue.
Click to expand...
yeah! that's seems like a lot.Do you just cut the lemons in half and then squeeze with all your might? what of all the seeds? and do you just heat the water in the microwave? and do you have a favorite glass?Note: I'm asking this of Vivian, and not S-Team, even though I'm quoting S-Team.
Click to expand...
Meh. It's Pittsburgh. It's winter. Getting citrus at all still strikes us as a minor miracle. We go into the dark months knowing fruit prices are going to be stupid. But WTF? It's not like 50c per lemon is going to break the bank, you know? If I got screwed, at least it wasn't with girth, if you dig.***Yes: I cut the lemons in half and squeeze. Not quite with all my might, since I discovered on the initial mission that really draining the things gave me maybe 2.5 tbsp (need 2), but it's close enough for my needs, here. Cut, squeeze, discard, wrap other half for later.***Yes, I just heat the water in the wave. I find that ~30 sec makes the water warm-but-not-hot. And yes, I have a favorite glass, but there's nothing the least bit noteworthy about it, and describing it in any detail would just be cruel and drawn out torture to all the people patiently waiting for my bowels to evacuate. There's nothing worse than wading through crystal when you're hoping to wade through ####. Thaks for asking, all the same.
 
Day 1, 1:20 PM

Dear God, I want food. I don't want a lemon and pepper cocktail, and God knows I don't want a bottle of water. I want honest, real, put-it-in-your-mouth-and-chew food.

It's lunchtime of day one, and I'm suffering from the kind of despair I imagine men feel when they've been lost in the wilderness for a week. I had my late-AM constitutional (nothing noteworthy, there, I'm afraid), and IMMEDIATELY afterward, felt like I hadn't eaten since the Reagan era. Hunger hit me like a truck.

So I walk home -- it's just down the street, mind you -- and I'm a little frightened to discover I feel a creeping hatred toward every person with the audacity to be on his lunch break. How dare those men go into a Chinese restaurant? Don't they know I'm living on Colonblow? Those two women, just blithely entering the pizza parlor like it's a free country. I want to smash them.

How in the hell do people do this for 30 days? It's one-o-freaking clock on day one and I'd kill every one of you for a Cheeto.

Can't stay and chat. Have to go drink lemonade. :wall:

 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Judge Smails
What movies if on can you not change the channel?
2
Replies
76
Views
951
FreeBaGeL
FreeBaGeL
GroveDiesel
ATT Major Data Breach
Replies
39
Views
805
Sand
Sand
SWC
give me some good words brohans
2 3
Replies
104
Views
2K
El Floppo
El Floppo

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 2 (members: 0, guests: 2)
Top