The year is 1924. Everything is in black-and-white, because they hadn’t invented color yet. The No. 1 food is “creamed flour,” and the hottest song in the streets is “Jesus Christ I Wish Alcohol Was Legal Again” by Silly Millie and the Ragtime Six. All things considered, it seems pretty fun to go stand outside in a suit and tie for three hours in November in Pennsylvania to watch a game between the Dayton Triangles and the Pottsville Maroons4.
Back then, our sport wasn’t particularly far along in the evolutionary process. Most plays were just 22 guys running into each other. But something exciting is happening. The ball is soaring into the air. It’s another punt by the opposing team’s star quarterback, whose name is Dutch or Curly or something like that—his 11th punt of the day. His powerful leg has made him famous all the way from Kenosha to Harrisburg, earning him a hefty $900 contract. That’ll buy him a lot of creamed flour! But this punt doesn’t go particularly far, because its 1924 and everybody sucks at everything, even Curly Dutch and his $900 leg.
Your team gets a fair catch at the 37-yard line. Holy crap! That gives them a free shot at the uprights from just 37 yards away! It’s the best chance they’ll get all day. They run out for a fair catch kick by your team’s star kicker, whose name is Cal or Fritz or something like that. And he drills it! Incredible! The Maroons win 3-0! They’re going to drink all the NON ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES in Pottsville tonight!