What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

The Onion's Team by Team Guide to the NFL (1 Viewer)

S

smackdaddies

Footballguy
As always, way too funny

Vikings

Strength: Showing off his youthful exuberance, 40-year-old Brett Favre is still out there running the media around like a little kid; defensive tackles Kevin Williams and Pat Williams look impressive in their ability to stop all forms of justice from being served in their StarCaps trial

Weakness: The Vikings have struggled to prepare for opponents ever since Minnesota Child Protective Services seized Brad Childress' entire tape collection

Intangibles: Except for Matt, John, and Rick, who are pretty great guys, Vikings fans are pretty much ignorant, petulant bandwagoners

Biggest Question: The Vikings still have many unanswered questions in the secondary, such as "What's a cornerback?" and "Who was supposed to cover that guy?"

 
•Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all

•Player To Watch: Pro Bowl quarterback David Garrard

 
Dallas Cowboys

[*]Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry

[*]Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety

[*]Intangibles: #### the Dallas Cowboys and every ####### thing they stand for; special teams

[*]Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace?

 
Denver Broncos

* Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary

* Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' ####ty quarterbacks :blackdot:

* Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

* Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts

 
Seattle Seahawks

* Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius

* Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck

* Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play

* Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there

 
Philadelphia Eagles

* Strength: Though they have lost Donovan McNabb's rocket arm, they have gained a highly accurate short-range subsonic cruise missile of an arm in Kevin Kolb

* Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion

* Player To Watch: Michael Vick's athleticism as he walks up and down the sideline, sits down on a bench, and jumps up whenever he thinks his name is called but realizes the coaches are talking to another Michael, is something to marvel at

* Biggest Question: When will Philadelphia fans finally use their car-battery catapult?

LMAO at Westbrook and Vick.

 
Green Bay Fudge-Packers

* Strength: After giving up 50 sacks in 2009, Green Bay's offensive line appears to have forgiven Aaron Rodgers for whatever he did

* Weakness: With too many offensive weapons, thoughtful quarterback Aaron Rodgers may struggle with deciding who really deserves the ball the most

* Player To Watch: Former first-round draft pick Justin Harrell is chasing down quarterbacks better than ever with his new motorized wheelchair

* Intangibles: Wide range of veterans and young players may make it hard for the team to find common ground on movies and music they like

 
Cincinnati Bengals

* Strength: In the past three years, their ability to convince NFL experts the team could make it to the Super Bowl has been staggering

* Weakness: Terrell Owens wants to prove he can still play at a high level, but he wants to systematically destroy an entire football organization much, much more

* Intangibles: The combination of T.O. and Ochocinco could make the Bengals so annoying at the receiver position that other teams forfeit to avoid playing them

* Biggest Question: How good is Carson Palmer's psychiatrist?

Quality :mellow:

-QG

 
Eminence said:
Philadelphia Eagles * Strength: Though they have lost Donovan McNabb's rocket arm, they have gained a highly accurate short-range subsonic cruise missile of an arm in Kevin Kolb * Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion * Player To Watch: Michael Vick's athleticism as he walks up and down the sideline, sits down on a bench, and jumps up whenever he thinks his name is called but realizes the coaches are talking to another Michael, is something to marvel at * Biggest Question: When will Philadelphia fans finally use their car-battery catapult?LMAO at Westbrook and Vick.
Click to expand...
Only one joke using the Philly-fans cliche. I'm pleasantly surprised.
 
Detroit LionsStrength: Since they play in the NFC North, this team should get two easy wins when facing the lowly LionsWeakness: Despite the prayers of fans, players, and coaches, it doesn't seem plausible that the Ford Field stadium will spontaneously collapsePlayer To Watch: Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh has the power to burst through the offensive line, the speed to outrun coaches, and the endurance to hide in the parking lot until his contract endsBiggest Question: Is this talent-rich roster willing to put in extra effort to get cut from the team?
Click to expand...
 
Eminence said:
Philadelphia Eagles

* Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion
Click to expand...
This one from the 49ers cracked me up, too:

[*]Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone

 
Washington Redskins

•Strength: Acquisition of 33-year-old Donovan McNabb gives them a solid quarterback for maybe four weeks

•Weakness: Receivers, running backs, offensive line, and defense, but, um, this is the year the Redskins really turn it around

•Player To Watch: Albert Haynesworth, in that uncomfortable car-accident can't-stop-looking way

•Biggest Question: By how big a margin will the Redskins beat the Rams, and how many games will that buy Donovan McNabb before fans want him benched?
Click to expand...
:rolleyes:
 
Am I the only one who thought this fell way, way short of Onion quality? Green Bay Fudge-Packers? Really?

The pic of Brad Childress above is by far the funniest thing in the thread.

 
Happy Ragnarok said:
Am I the only one who thought this fell way, way short of Onion quality? Green Bay Fudge-Packers? Really?The pic of Brad Childress above is by far the funniest thing in the thread.
Click to expand...
It is the onion people. Middle School scatalogical jokes is half the paper, the rest is lower.It's still damm funny, even for a fan of the Fudge Packers
 
Chicago Hooligan said:
No one wrote Fudgepackers except for some guy here who thinks being gay is like the Biggest Insult.
Click to expand...
Well that's sort of a relief. The half dozen I read were still pretty meh, though. Anyway, I guess maybe I'm overvaluing the Onion's previous efforts in my memory. I don't really remember it being particularly lowbrow.
 
Strength: John Fox is likely coaching for his job, so you can bet this team will bring their best each week<LI>Weakness: John Fox is likely coaching for his job, so Sundays will reek of the stench of desperation<LI>Biggest Question: Remind us again where this team is from exactly?<LI>Intangibles: Regardless of their performance on the field, every member of this team will one day die

:thumbup: loved the intangibles section

 
The Onion is so funny. Their takes on each team make you chuckle without fail. They also have a great preview of the kickoff game.

 
Arizona Cardinals

Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf

Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back

Both of these are true.

 
More brilliance:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Strength: They play the Rams, so at least one of those teams won't have to lose every game this season

Weakness: Looking at this roster, it may not be the best year to play in a stadium where fans have access to several functioning cannons

Intangibles: Signing a rookie wide receiver named Mike Williams has done nothing but backfire throughout the entire history of the league

Player To Watch: Remember Warrick Dunn? He was a fun player to watch. Seemed like a genuinely nice guy, too

 
Oakland Raiders

* Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air

* Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster ####### sucks

* Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games

* Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?
Click to expand...
San Diego Chargers

* Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces
Click to expand...
New York Jets

* Strength: Rex Ryan is a coach who leads by example, an approach that has helped the Jets build one of the fattest offensive lines in the league
Click to expand...
:lmao:
 
Last edited by a moderator:
My favorite:

Detroit Lions

Strength: Since they play in the NFC North, this team should get two easy wins when facing the lowly Lions

 
Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady

Almost!

 
So true:

Indianapolis Colts

Biggest Question: Why is this consistently excellent team so unbelievably boring to watch?

 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

EBF
Top 28 Rookies 2020
2 3 4
Replies
185
Views
17K
Cjw_55106
Cjw_55106
T
2018 NFL Offseason Predictions
Replies
11
Views
2K
Grahamburn
Grahamburn
Bracie Smathers
Updated 2014 NFL mocks of the week
Replies
33
Views
2K
Bracie Smathers
Bracie Smathers

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 1 (members: 0, guests: 1)
Back
Top