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Update - weird events during brothers “death”.Call your opioid addicted friends and family today (1 Viewer)

STEADYMOBBIN 22

STEADYMOBBIN 22

Footballguy
Good afternoon all. 

I’m writing you today as a grieving brother. My little brother OD Saturday. By all accounts he was doing great. He was working and paying our mother every week to help. He was about a month away from moving to Florida with his girlfriend.

Anyway, you always read these types of threads and prolly ignore the pleading for you to contact your loved ones “cause you never know.”

My brother and I had it over the years but a couple of months ago he reached out to me for the first time to say he was sorry and he appreciated me always trying to help him. We had a great exchange and even hugged the last time we saw each other in person. 

Now he’s gone and while I couldn’t save him it’s eating me up that I didn’t try harder. Why didn’t I call him?

Now I know that I couldn’t protect him from himself forever but god dammit I didn’t do enough. I didn’t encourage him more. 

Look, I’m gonna best myself up over this for awhile and that’s OK. I’ll stop eventually and hopefully reach the conclusion that it was his decision but it hurts now. 

Point is...stop reading this right now and call your friends and family who are struggling. Call them right now and tell them you love them. Forgive them. 

Just please do it. For me, for them and most importantly for yourself. 

Call them, go see them, tell them that you love them. 

 
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Talked to a buddy of his today- he said my brother wouldn’t even smoke weed with him recently because he didn’t want to let his mom and girlfriend down.

Putting the pieces together but it is starting to appear that he was with a old “friend” the night he died. Police are checking into the building cameras. 

Brutal 

 
Brutal. Sorry. 

I went through this with a girl.  Tried to save her with everything I had.  6 different times I got her to places where she would go cold turkey and I would help her get through it.  Absolute hell.  Minutes seemed like days.  Days seemed like weeks, months.  The withdrawals were something beyond the worst of pain.  

In the end, there was nothing anyone could do.  We all tried.  It takes them and once it gets a hold, it never lets go. Awful, hellish existence.  She hated more than anything, that she was putting loved ones through it.  And she didn't want to keep that going.  She would tell me, please don't feel bad if I don't make it, live on.  And she meant that.

Some of them just can't help it, no matter how hard they try.

There is nothing you could do.  And he probably wanted you to know that.  He reached out to you to make amends and at least you have that.

 
Sorry to hear, Stead. RIP, Steadbro

Thing is, we can always do more but rarely can we do enough in those situations. Often, the friends & family who do everyfrikkinthingtheycanthinkof get little but suffering for their care & effort. Don't mean we shouldn't try harder, like you said.

One can always love more. One can always give more. If you are loving & giving close to as much as you can afford to, don't beat yourself up cuz you didn't do THE ONE THING, because there isn't one of those as often as not and they're really difficult to identify. Let your brother live in your heart by loving and giving a little extra in memory of him. I will do an extra thing in his name, maybe some others will as well from reading your thoughts. Such is life. My condolences to your and your family.

 
Very sorry to hear @STEADYMOBBIN 22 

I can identify, having a younger brother devastate our family with his opioid addiction and the subsequent battles it cast me in to. I feel for you man, I hope time will enable you to come to grips with not beating yourself up over something you ultimately couldn’t control. 

 
Sorry to hear. Best wishes to you and your family. 

Please seek therapy or at least talk a lot about how you are feeling to friends and family. This wasn't your fault and you shouldn't have the feeling of "what if".

 
wikkidpissah said:
Sorry to hear, Stead. RIP, Steadbro

Thing is, we can always do more but rarely can we do enough in those situations. Often, the friends & family who do everyfrikkinthingtheycanthinkof get little but suffering for their care & effort. Don't mean we shouldn't try harder, like you said.

One can always love more. One can always give more. If you are loving & giving close to as much as you can afford to, don't beat yourself up cuz you didn't do THE ONE THING, because there isn't one of those as often as not and they're really difficult to identify. Let your brother live in your heart by loving and giving a little extra in memory of him. I will do an extra thing in his name, maybe some others will as well from reading your thoughts. Such is life. My condolences to your and your family.
Click to expand...
There's a lot of wisdom here.

 
Sorry for your loss. Don't beat yourself up, though. People who are addicted are gonna do what they want to do. They best you can do is to let them know that you'll be there for them if they ever ask, and it sounds like you were.

 
I'm so sorry for your loss.  My brother-in-law is an alcoholic, his wife left him, his kids don't call, he's retired and when you talk to him he has no will to live and absolutely, will not, go to rehab.  He goes to a counselor but he continues his downward spiral of depression.  He's been like this for at least a decade now.  He calls up, drunk and we just let him talk it out.  He lives in a different country so there's not a whole hell of a lot we can do for the man.  My wife is ON him about going to rehab, getting a part time job and seeking bettering counseling, I mean she's relentless (in a kind way) about getting help for himself.  It's difficult to witness, he once had it all together so well. 

I almost lost my brother to the flu earlier this year, I really need to make a thread about it but I agree 100% with you man, life is short.  And, you know, this really brings up another point, we ALL really need to be kind to each other you know?  It's so easy to $hi on people, make fun of people, talk $hit behind each other backs but damnit you really don't know what all everyone around you is going through you know?  You really have no idea what kind of pain other people are suffering through (mental, physical, emotional, etc.)  And, you know, you don't have to solve everyone's problems but it doesn't cost anything to just smile, say hi or hold open a door for God's sake you know?  Listen to your wife's work stories, let your kid(s) tell you their silly jokes, let a co-worker vent for a few minutes, none of that costs more than a few minutes of your time.  Again, life is terribly, terribly short, it's a good life lesson for all of us to just be a little more patient, a little more tolerant, a little more kind to each other.

 
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I haven’t sept much in days. His death is being investigated...

All kinds or weird stuff...

Matthew was alive Friday night. Last seen speaking to our mother in her doorway. 

He spoke to her about how he loved his new job and how he was going to try and get his record expunged. He spoke of the future. He was moving to Florida with his girlfriend and her two kids in October. 

Matthew was found in his room - curled up into the fetal position but .... it would be like you’re standing up... younllowerswlf and putvyou head down on the ground. Is that “normal’?

His sheets... Mathew NEVER and Inmean NEVER, even as a kid got under his bed comforter. He ran hot like me and slept on top of his bed. When we found him his bed covers were pushed aside. Did somebody lay him in the bed and he tried to get out but just slumped to the floor? 

Some dude named “James” allegedly from his work texted Matthews girlfriend from Matthews phone and said “Thisnis James from Matt’s work. There abbeen an accident and Matthew is on the way to the hospital in the ambulance” 

Matthews girlfriend tried calling him 48 times with no answer and then at 4 am she got a text from his phone saying allegedly from Matthew saying:

”I’m fine Don’t worry about me. I’m so sorry about ur grandfather babe. Call me when u get a chance babe”

So while my brothers girlfriend was at the hospital with her dying grandfather, he boyfriend was also dying or dead 😞 poor girl..

But whatbis mostbdosturbing about that text from my brother is he NEVER EVER used “UR” or “U”, both he and our mother ALWAYS use “Y” or “YR” as a substitute for you’re/you’re. I know thins cause I teased them both about it every single time they do it because it’s dumb and nobody else I’ve ever texted does it that way.

I drove around for four house last night looking for the guy the police are looking for. I found a spot he might be staying and may have found the car he uses. I got the tag number but I can’t get anyone to run the tag for me. My cop friend wild t do it cause I think he’s secretly worried that I might kill the dude and he doesn’t wanna be liable for providing me info. I drove to two sweats CPI ties to try and get them to run the tag but they could t find the case so would t run the tag for me.

I wont kill the dude. I have kids. I also have a 100% clean record so I get one “freebee”. I welcome a simple assault charge. 

Asbyiu can tell I have t slept much in days. I slept on the floor with my dog for about an hour last night. Showers are brutal cause it’s the only time I’m alone and it’s where I get most of my rage screaming done. I have no voice left. 

I was contacted by the Uber hawt :wub: investigator this morning and she gave me a case number and said the case has been passed along to another investigator who will contact us “when they feel it’s necessary”. She alsontold me that already had the name and address of the dude I’m after on Monday. 

Inasked if her when somebody would contact us so I don’t spend more sleepless nights chasing 3 day old leads. 

Im going to find this dude and one way or another I’ll going to find out what happened that night. I wish him no harm until then. 

 
Sullie said:
you know, this really brings up another point, we ALL really need to be kind to each other you know?  It's so easy to $hi on people, make fun of people, talk $hit behind each other backs but damnit you really don't know what all everyone around you is going through you know?  You really have no idea what kind of pain other people are suffering through (mental, physical, emotional, etc.)  And, you know, you don't have to solve everyone's problems but it doesn't cost anything to just smile, say hi or hold open a door for God's sake you know?  Listen to your wife's work stories, let your kid(s) tell you their silly jokes, let a co-worker vent for a few minutes, none of that costs more than a few minutes of your time.  Again, life is terribly, terribly short, it's a good life lesson for all of us to just be a little more patient, a little more tolerant, a little more kind to each other.
Click to expand...
People should read this everyday before they leave their house. I hope your BiL gets better. For him and your wife’s sake.

 
A lot of times, when someone relapses, they go back to the same amount that they had previously been using. Their tolerance is gone and a shot that they used to handle easily is now too much.

I hope that you find closure. I can't imagine losing a brother. But don't do anything that would cause your kids to lose their father.

 
So sorry to hear this Steady. Give the police a little time to figure it out but stay on them. There's no value in you trying to handle it yourself. Even clean records don't always get "freebies". Try to get some sleep.

 
Gawain said:
A lot of times, when someone relapses, they go back to the same amount that they had previously been using. Their tolerance is gone and a shot that they used to handle easily is now too much.

I hope that you find closure. I can't imagine losing a brother. But don't do anything that would cause your kids to lose their father.
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Totally agree and that’s what I’ve been sayin. Ultimately my brother likely made a poor decision that cost his life but there is absolulty more to this. 

Somebody was with him and instead of helping him they left him to die alone. Somebody was in that room with him. I will confirm this when I get the autopsy results. 

Anybody kno if one investigator passing it off to another investigator is a good sign? Does. That mean they suspect foul play? 

I know some of you are reading this and it’s a total train wreck I understand that- but I’m good. I’m gonna be fine. I’m not gonna do anything dumb. I’ve grown up with and know stone cold criminals as well as cops. Growing up my best friend whom I spent nearly every second with from the ages of 13-25 or so was arrested dozens of times but I have never once been arrested. That’s not because I’m cocky or arrogant, it’s becauae I kept my mouth shut and I always walked away when stupidity showed up. 

 
Ron Swanson said:
So sorry to hear this Steady. Give the police a little time to figure it out but stay on them. There's no value in you trying to handle it yourself. Even clean records don't always get "freebies". Try to get some sleep.
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I can’t. I took NyQuil an hour ago but I just can’t lay here with my thoughts. Gotta stay busy 

 
The only thing you can never - never - save someone from is himself.  I know you're beating yourself up, but part of that is the belief we all have that we are ultimately just more powerful than we actually are.  You can't stop something like this from happening.  That's scary and awful and terrible in its own right.  

This is not something you're responsible for.

The fact is, most people who OD do it after having been clean for a while.  Their tolerance isn't what it was, their bodies react strangely, it just goes wrong.  

Your brother appreciated all you'd done.  That's enough.  You should appreciate what you did, too.  You brought him back to being the guy who hugged you last time you saw him.  That kind of change, that kind of metamorphosis, is something people spend a lifetime hoping for and working for, and you and your brother made it happen.  I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm happy for you that you had that before the end.  And yes, he backslid, but that's what addiction is.  It's a necessary and completely expected part of recovery.  Unfortunately, for some it's deadly.  It doesn't negate all the work he did or the changes he made in himself.

I can never remember the wording of the old story, but it's a translation anyway so I guess it doesn't matter.

The master holds in one hand a dead butterfly, in the other a live caterpillar.
"Which would you rather be?" he asks.
"The caterpillar," says the student.  "It is alive."
"No," said the master, "the butterfly.  It has attained two full levels of metamorphosis beyond the caterpillar.  The caterpillar may live all its life and never achieve this."

 
Henry Ford said:
The master holds in one hand a dead butterfly, in the other a live caterpillar.
"Which would you rather be?" he asks.
"The caterpillar," says the student.  "It is alive."
"No," said the master, "the butterfly.  It has attained two full levels of metamorphosis beyond the caterpillar.  The caterpillar may live all its life and never achieve this."
Click to expand...
You are very wise young grasshopper!

 
Henry Ford said:
The only thing you can never - never - save someone from is himself.  I know you're beating yourself up, but part of that is the belief we all have that we are ultimately just more powerful than we actually are.  You can't stop something like this from happening.  That's scary and awful and terrible in its own right.  

This is not something you're responsible for.

The fact is, most people who OD do it after having been clean for a while.  Their tolerance isn't what it was, their bodies react strangely, it just goes wrong.  

Your brother appreciated all you'd done.  That's enough.  You should appreciate what you did, too.  You brought him back to being the guy who hugged you last time you saw him.  That kind of change, that kind of metamorphosis, is something people spend a lifetime hoping for and working for, and you and your brother made it happen.  I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm happy for you that you had that before the end.  And yes, he backslid, but that's what addiction is.  It's a necessary and completely expected part of recovery.  Unfortunately, for some it's deadly.  It doesn't negate all the work he did or the changes he made in himself.

I can never remember the wording of the old story, but it's a translation anyway so I guess it doesn't matter.

The master holds in one hand a dead butterfly, in the other a live caterpillar.
"Which would you rather be?" he asks.
"The caterpillar," says the student.  "It is alive."
"No," said the master, "the butterfly.  It has attained two full levels of metamorphosis beyond the caterpillar.  The caterpillar may live all its life and never achieve this."
Click to expand...
Thank you Henry. You’re one of my very favorite posters. Always so smart. (That’s not sarcasm) 

I’m not blaming myself anymore. I don’t even blame whoever was with him and abandoned him that night. Doesn’t mean that person isn’t going to answer to me one way or another. 

I think grief goes like this

sadness

anger

then you simply get exhausted from all the anger

peace with it

Im about halfway through the exhaustion part. Unfortunately until I get at least some answers from the toxicology/autopsy  I’m stuck here

 
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STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:
Thank you Henry. You’re one of my very favorite posters. Always so smart. (That’s not sarcasm) 

I’m not blaming myself anymore. I don’t even blame whoever was with him and abandoned him that night. Doesn’t mean that person isn’t going to answer to me one way or another. 

I think grief goes like this

sadness

anger

then you simply get exhausted from all the anger

peace with it

Im about halfway through the exhaustion part. Unfortunately until I get at least some answers from the toxicology/autopsy  I’m stuck here
Click to expand...
And that's totally normal.  I also hope you can find time to celebrate his life.  It's hard in times like this.  There's so much pain it's hard to raise a glass and smile.

 
Spoke to the new investigating officer 

says:

he won’t be able to determine the time of death. Says that’s only when somebody heard a gunshot or maybe a text could give a clue but there is no way to tell. I thought there was some medical method to determine the time of death?

wont be able to unlock the phone if there are passwords (were trying to come up with some logical combinations such as birthdays and such)

So basically I doubt they’re going to be any help at all. Seemed pretty jaded by the whole thing. Not exactly what I wanted to hear 

There really needs to be a check off box when you buy a phone to authorize access in the event of your death. 

 
STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:
wont be able to unlock the phone if there are passwords (were trying to come up with some logical combinations such as birthdays and such)
Click to expand...
Try sobriety date.  Addiction counselors tell clients to do that so they have to think about how long they’ve been sober when they unlock the phone to call their dealer. 

 
STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:
Spoke to the new investigating officer 

says:

he won’t be able to determine the time of death. Says that’s only when somebody heard a gunshot or maybe a text could give a clue but there is no way to tell. I thought there was some medical method to determine the time of death?

wont be able to unlock the phone if there are passwords (were trying to come up with some logical combinations such as birthdays and such)

So basically I doubt they’re going to be any help at all. Seemed pretty jaded by the whole thing. Not exactly what I wanted to hear 

There really needs to be a check off box when you buy a phone to authorize access in the event of your death. 
Click to expand...
I think their hands are tied.  They can't spend a lot of resources investigating an overdose.  What are they going to do?  find out someone was with him and charge that person with a crime.  The DA wouldn't even take a case like that.  It's a dead end road from the investigating officers point of view.

BTW, i'm sorry about your loss.  It sucks.

 
Sullie said:
I'm so sorry for your loss.  My brother-in-law is an alcoholic, his wife left him, his kids don't call, he's retired and when you talk to him he has no will to live and absolutely, will not, go to rehab.  He goes to a counselor but he continues his downward spiral of depression.  He's been like this for at least a decade now.  He calls up, drunk and we just let him talk it out.  He lives in a different country so there's not a whole hell of a lot we can do for the man.  My wife is ON him about going to rehab, getting a part time job and seeking bettering counseling, I mean she's relentless (in a kind way) about getting help for himself.  It's difficult to witness, he once had it all together so well. 

I almost lost my brother to the flu earlier this year, I really need to make a thread about it but I agree 100% with you man, life is short.  And, you know, this really brings up another point, we ALL really need to be kind to each other you know?  It's so easy to $hi on people, make fun of people, talk $hit behind each other backs but damnit you really don't know what all everyone around you is going through you know?  You really have no idea what kind of pain other people are suffering through (mental, physical, emotional, etc.)  And, you know, you don't have to solve everyone's problems but it doesn't cost anything to just smile, say hi or hold open a door for God's sake you know?  Listen to your wife's work stories, let your kid(s) tell you their silly jokes, let a co-worker vent for a few minutes, none of that costs more than a few minutes of your time.  Again, life is terribly, terribly short, it's a good life lesson for all of us to just be a little more patient, a little more tolerant, a little more kind to each other.
Click to expand...
I need to print this post and hang it in my office.  Well done. 

 
STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:
I wont kill the dude. I have kids. I also have a 100% clean record so I get one “freebee”. I welcome a simple assault charge. 
Click to expand...
I recommend trying to get some rest and clear your head.  There's no such thing as a freebee in the law.  What's more, think about the example you are setting for your kids in terms of how you want them to see you deal with a difficult situation.  Think about what relief or satisfaction you'll get from confronting someone you want to blame, when you have no idea what happened.  Very sorry for your loss and the fact you are going through this incredibly difficult time.

 
STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:
I haven’t sept much in days. His death is being investigated...

All kinds or weird stuff...

Matthew was alive Friday night. Last seen speaking to our mother in her doorway. 

He spoke to her about how he loved his new job and how he was going to try and get his record expunged. He spoke of the future. He was moving to Florida with his girlfriend and her two kids in October. 

Matthew was found in his room - curled up into the fetal position but .... it would be like you’re standing up... younllowerswlf and putvyou head down on the ground. Is that “normal’?

His sheets... Mathew NEVER and Inmean NEVER, even as a kid got under his bed comforter. He ran hot like me and slept on top of his bed. When we found him his bed covers were pushed aside. Did somebody lay him in the bed and he tried to get out but just slumped to the floor? 

Some dude named “James” allegedly from his work texted Matthews girlfriend from Matthews phone and said “Thisnis James from Matt’s work. There abbeen an accident and Matthew is on the way to the hospital in the ambulance” 

Matthews girlfriend tried calling him 48 times with no answer and then at 4 am she got a text from his phone saying allegedly from Matthew saying:

”I’m fine Don’t worry about me. I’m so sorry about ur grandfather babe. Call me when u get a chance babe”

So while my brothers girlfriend was at the hospital with her dying grandfather, he boyfriend was also dying or dead 😞 poor girl..

But whatbis mostbdosturbing about that text from my brother is he NEVER EVER used “UR” or “U”, both he and our mother ALWAYS use “Y” or “YR” as a substitute for you’re/you’re. I know thins cause I teased them both about it every single time they do it because it’s dumb and nobody else I’ve ever texted does it that way.

I drove around for four house last night looking for the guy the police are looking for. I found a spot he might be staying and may have found the car he uses. I got the tag number but I can’t get anyone to run the tag for me. My cop friend wild t do it cause I think he’s secretly worried that I might kill the dude and he doesn’t wanna be liable for providing me info. I drove to two sweats CPI ties to try and get them to run the tag but they could t find the case so would t run the tag for me.

I wont kill the dude. I have kids. I also have a 100% clean record so I get one “freebee”. I welcome a simple assault charge. 

Asbyiu can tell I have t slept much in days. I slept on the floor with my dog for about an hour last night. Showers are brutal cause it’s the only time I’m alone and it’s where I get most of my rage screaming done. I have no voice left. 

I was contacted by the Uber hawt :wub: investigator this morning and she gave me a case number and said the case has been passed along to another investigator who will contact us “when they feel it’s necessary”. She alsontold me that already had the name and address of the dude I’m after on Monday. 

Inasked if her when somebody would contact us so I don’t spend more sleepless nights chasing 3 day old leads. 

Im going to find this dude and one way or another I’ll going to find out what happened that night. I wish him no harm until then. 
Click to expand...
Sorry, I somehow skipped over all this while reading the thread.  I'm going to address it now.  And please remember if you can that I'm on your side and that I actually do, viscerally, understand what you're going through.  I know you're a good person and I'm not judging your reactions or your feelings - just trying to tell you the best advice I can muster in an impossible situation.

You need to stop this and if you can, get your head together.  There are significant similarities right now between you becoming The Equalizer to try to chase down someone who may have been in the room when your brother overdosed to make him pay and your brother chasing his habit.  That thing you're feeling while you're "chasing down leads" is the same thing he felt chasing the high.  And there's a good chance you're doing it to escape the reality of what has happened.  And it can destroy you and your family if you let it.

Let the police do their jobs.  

Your brother is gone.  It sucks, but he is gone.  And a likely scenario in this case is that he backslid and used again for a last hurrah before he left town, and told whomever he was with that he couldn't call an ambulance because he couldn't handle the shame of everyone knowing that he'd backslid.  That may not be what happened, but it's the police department's job to determine that.

It is also worth remembering that sometimes a case is passed to another investigator because the nature of the investigation has changed.  I am sure the police will contact you when they have information for you.  You should not go confront this person, it will not do good things for you, your family, your brother's memory, or the progression of the investigation.  

I wish you and your family peace.  I hope that you will take steps toward that goal, and not away from it.

 
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