Walking Away From Wedding.... UPDATE post #307 (1 Viewer)

[nysportsfan]

I've read the "if you love something" thread with an open mind and an understanding that nothing in life worth doing is easy. I'm 29 years old. My fiance is 24. We've been together for 6 years this Tuesday. For a while now something was wrong. I was being mean, cold, and it's something I'm not proud of. I was resentful. Never having gone through a typical twenty something's dating scene, I've never cheated and always thought she was the one even after a brief break up last spring.

I walked away last night from a 6 year relationship. I'm a mess, but it was the right thing to do. I apologized for being mean to her, for being distant, for not being honest. The hurt in her eyes was unimaginable. Her dad threw down the non-refundable deposit on our wedding venue a few months back, she bought her dress, booked the photographer, etc. I am a terrible person in that I let it get far with these lingering doubts. My parents don't know since it happened last night after my mother's 60th bday party. They love her; she's smart, funny, beautiful, and now a complete mess.

I can't go back no matter how much I want to. I've done the hardest part, but somehow it feels like I've made a terrible mistake. 6 years...jesus christ. A ring, furniture together, basically living together, and plans to share our life together. Yet somehow I can't do it. It would be a lie. She would take me being mean to her, because she's blind. She asked meaningful questions during our teary conversation - "why?" "what else do you need?" "what's changed?" I can't answer them...I simply say because it's not right for me. I'd be lying to you if I continued and we got married. "I'm sorry," is all I can muster over and over. It's all I have to say. I'm not happy. It's time to go, no matter how hard it is, it's better than 10 years, two kids, and more time gone by...right?

We are going to talk at 4pm today and she will get her stuff. I've broken her into a million pieces. Unless you've done this before, you don't know the pain. I'm miserable. Yet relieved. One foot in front of the other, right? I expect the funny, but somehow I hope for some solace here.

ETA: If the above is incoherent babble, I'm sorry, i just need to tell the story.

 

[Jobber]

Too many people get married even if one or both of them feel the way you do. She doesn't see it now, but you just saved the both of you years of languishing in a dead end marriage.

 

[bryan11joseph]

Hey man, I can relate to part of this - I am probably where you were 2 years ago. Atleast you were able to muster the confidence to be honest and tell her. I know it's difficult, but really it is the best thing for you to do.

People always want to do what's "easy" and staying with her and getting married would have been the easy thing to do.

But you realized that it wouldn't be fair to her and it wasn't what was going to make you happy for the rest of your life. Kudos to you.

You already did the hard part, so now it will take some time to heal/move on. Maybe you can give me some advice???

Certainly not hijacking your thread, but I am in a 4 year relationship and it is very similar to your situation. We live together, are not engaged, experiencing some of the same problems... I have convinced myself I need to just sack up and do it. But it's easier said than done, and I want to be sure to let her down easy...

Good luck man! It can only get better from here...hang in there!

 

[TLEF316]

Damn. Finally having the conversation took some balls and it was definitely the right thing to do.

But there's pretty much no way you won't come out looking like the world's biggest ####### after waiting as long as you did.

Best of luck.

 

[Abraham]

I has someone do this to me once. We weren't about to get married but it was still an earth shattering event.

Best thing that ever happened to me. You dd the right thing.

 

[pinequick]

You saved her from a divorce. It will suck for a while (you'll take your lumps, some probably deserved), but you did the right thing.

 

[nysportsfan]

Agree with TLEF completely. I AM an #######. I won't deny it. But I had to do it. Bryan11, just do it. It sucks, it's not over, and you will certainly hate yourself for a while. But how fair is that to her..or you? I can't even tell you what to do other than that.

I got a text from her: "Meet me at 4pm at the house so I can get my stuff. It's the least you can do after 6 years." I said, "OK."

She's a mess. I expect her to approach my parents, brothers, etc. That's how close we are.

 

[nysportsfan]

I'll be honest, I'm a mess. I need to keep busy.

 

[pinequick]

To be fair, she's 24. She's not an old maid that you strung along until she's 35. If she is what you said she is (smart, funny, pretty), she'll make out just fine being a 24-year-old catch...

 

[TLEF316]

Agree with TLEF completely. I AM an #######. I won't deny it. But I had to do it. Bryan11, just do it. It sucks, it's not over, and you will certainly hate yourself for a while. But how fair is that to her..or you? I can't even tell you what to do other than that.I got a text from her: "Meet me at 4pm at the house so I can get my stuff. It's the least you can do after 6 years." I said, "OK."She's a mess. I expect her to approach my parents, brothers, etc. That's how close we are.

Just to let you know, that wasn't me calling you an #######. Just saying that's how her, her family and pretty much everyone she knows is going to view you. Nothing to do but accept it. You've got enough to deal with. But you know all that.Seriously GB, hang in there.

 

[bryan11joseph]

Hopefully you live in an area where you have a lot of good friends. Use them to keep your mind off things.

Unfortunately for me, we both moved to a new city & town...away from home, away from all of our friends and family. So moving her things out is going to be a mess. I am probably going to have to help her. I am so close to doing it man. (I considered PM'ing you rather than rambling on here - but I didn't think it was right being that it happened last night. We should talk in a couple weeks.)

I hope you understand that you made an incredibly hard decision, but you did what most people could not. So many people settle and have unhappy marriages and live the rest of their lives that way.

 

[Johnny Rock]

You did the right thing. Life is short and you know what's best for you. It will suck for a while but you'll be better in the long run. Hang in there.

 

[Dexter]

You did the right thing. Believe it or not it would have been harder a few years from now.

 

[nysportsfan]

I know you werent calling me an ###. But I know her family will hate me. They should, they have every right to after I looked her father and mother in the eye and said, "I will take care of her forever."

She will have no shortage of suitors. Is she drop dead? No, but she's a chick. Which also means she won't move on as quickly. Not that I will, either. I just want this #### to pass.

Also, sorry it's Saturday, this should be a Friday thread.

 

[No. 16]

What's her number?

 

[Chaz McNulty]

You did the right thing, and as you said it could have been worse after 10 years and 2 kids.

Just don't be an ##### and call her when you're really bored or feeling down. You'll go through times when you're feeling this way and you have to resist the urge to reach out to her.

 

[nysportsfan]

16, that's pretty funny.

And Chaz, you're spot on. I did this last spring and gave in. I can't do it now.

 

[bushdocda]

She'll be fine. And so will you. One of the most underrated things in the world is the break up.

Too many people get into relationships that progress on auto pilot and should not result in marriage and what follows.

 

[Da Guru]

After reading your post the marriage would not have lasted that long anyway, or if it did you both would have been miserable. A copule of months of misery now will save you a liftime of misery later.

At least now both of you are young enough to move on and try to find real love.

 

[honky kong]

Too many people get married even if one or both of them feel the way you do. She doesn't see it now, but you just saved the both of you years of languishing in a dead end marriage.

That pretty much covers it. Hang in there, guy. It'll suck for a bit but the odds that you end up regretting it are probably slim.

 

[mr roboto]

Hones question - why did you think breaking it off was the right thing to do? I'm not questioning you, really. Just wondering.

Why did you decide to get married? Did those reasons change? Is there something about her you don't like/trust? Something about yourself you realized? Something about marriage that bothers/scares you?

I agree with the above posts re:this is better than divorce in 5 years. I am helping a buddy through an ugly separation because his wife left him after 3 years of marriage. They had a very volatile relationship before getting married, and my good friend and pastor was doing their per-marital counseling. He recommended, 1 month before the wedding, for them to call it off. They decided to go ahead with it. He's 31, with a nice house he bought/renovated for her and their future kids, big mortgage, high-stress job he doesn't particularly like. All because he wanted 'that life' with her.

I will say thiz though - I honestly believe that a good marriage is the best thing you can have in life. A bad marriage is terrible. But a good one can lead to so much happiness, better life, financial stability, greater intimacy than you could imagine etc. I know the nomarriage.com thing in here, but I feel bad for people who haven't experienced a good marriage.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

GL, nysportsfan.

 

[nysportsfan]

Hones question - why did you think breaking it off was the right thing to do? I'm not questioning you, really. Just wondering.Why did you decide to get married? Did those reasons change? Is there something about her you don't like/trust? Something about yourself you realized? Something about marriage that bothers/scares you?I agree with the above posts re:this is better than divorce in 5 years. I am helping a buddy through an ugly separation because his wife left him after 3 years of marriage. They had a very volatile relationship before getting married, and my good friend and pastor was doing their per-marital counseling. He recommended, 1 month before the wedding, for them to call it off. They decided to go ahead with it. He's 31, with a nice house he bought/renovated for her and their future kids, big mortgage, high-stress job he doesn't particularly like. All because he wanted 'that life' with her.I will say thiz though - I honestly believe that a good marriage is the best thing you can have in life. A bad marriage is terrible. But a good one can lead to so much happiness, better life, financial stability, greater intimacy than you could imagine etc. I know the nomarriage.com thing in here, but I feel bad for people who haven't experienced a good marriage.

Ending it was right because I'm unhappy. I am looking for something with friends that I don't have at home with her. I'm looking for ways to stay at work either, baseball, etc. I thought a ring would make the little things better and the big things more palpable. I was wrong. I made a mistake letting it progress this far. I thought I'd be fine with myself. I'm not. She's great, but I cannot do it. I'm looking forward to marriage, just not with her. I like relationships, but I've been a provider and her crutch for some time, too. I can't do it any longer. I want a good marriage and life, this isn't a dress rehearsal, I get one shot at life.

 

[mr roboto]

Hones question - why did you think breaking it off was the right thing to do? I'm not questioning you, really. Just wondering.Why did you decide to get married? Did those reasons change? Is there something about her you don't like/trust? Something about yourself you realized? Something about marriage that bothers/scares you?I agree with the above posts re:this is better than divorce in 5 years. I am helping a buddy through an ugly separation because his wife left him after 3 years of marriage. They had a very volatile relationship before getting married, and my good friend and pastor was doing their per-marital counseling. He recommended, 1 month before the wedding, for them to call it off. They decided to go ahead with it. He's 31, with a nice house he bought/renovated for her and their future kids, big mortgage, high-stress job he doesn't particularly like. All because he wanted 'that life' with her.I will say thiz though - I honestly believe that a good marriage is the best thing you can have in life. A bad marriage is terrible. But a good one can lead to so much happiness, better life, financial stability, greater intimacy than you could imagine etc. I know the nomarriage.com thing in here, but I feel bad for people who haven't experienced a good marriage.

Ending it was right because I'm unhappy. I am looking for something with friends that I don't have at home with her. I'm looking for ways to stay at work either, baseball, etc. I thought a ring would make the little things better and the big things more palpable. I was wrong. I made a mistake letting it progress this far. I thought I'd be fine with myself. I'm not. She's great, but I cannot do it. I'm looking forward to marriage, just not with her. I like relationships, but I've been a provider and her crutch for some time, too. I can't do it any longer. I want a good marriage and life, this isn't a dress rehearsal, I get one shot at life.

Gotcha. Then you are doing her a favor, even if you should have done it a while back. It takes balls to do what you are doing right now, even though you are gonna take a lot of #### for it. Hang in there.

 

[netnalp]

Here's something a woman said to me for a break-up. I stole the words and have used it in several break-ups. It seems to be very relatable for women and expresses my need for a split as clearly as I can think of.

"I don't feel that indescribable something that would tell me we're right for each other. I don't want either of us to waste anymore precious time."

Hard situation to be in, but you're doing the right thing. Good luck to both of you.

 

[Ketamine Dreams]

It's a tough situation, but you can't lie to yourself. You need to move on and not settle for someone you know isn't right for you. It's going to hurt for a long time, but you will recover and move on with things. Good luck...

 

[Guster]

It takes a big man to do what you did. Congrats. It's gonna suck for a while and you're going to be the bad guy, but if in your heart you knew it wasn't right for you, then you did the right thing. It would only get worse and more complicated from here. Good luck

 

[Ray Karpis]

You did the right thing.

Don't cave...don't feel like you are responsible for helping her get over this. She's an adult and will be fine. The more time she can get you to spend with her, the more vulnerable you are to getting pulled back in. Let time and distance work for you.

Good luck and be careful at 4 today.

 

[HughHoney]

I know you said you've never cheated but do you think you have commitment issues in general? Was there a point in the relationship where you were undoubtedly sure she was the one and actually looked forward to marriage with her or have lingering doubts always been there at least a little bit?

 

[nysportsfan]

I know you said you've never cheated but do you think you have commitment issues in general? Was there a point in the relationship where you were undoubtedly sure she was the one and actually looked forward to marriage with her or have lingering doubts always been there at least a little bit?

The more time passed, the greater the doubt. I was sure of a life together for a long time. As time progressed, I knew it wasn't right for me/us. I made a mistake by letting it continue. I was a chicken#### then but could've avoided this bigger mess now. I know this is devastating for all parties involved. I feel bad her mom will have to pick up the pieces, but I can't concern myself with that. I know I'll break down when I talk to my brothers and my parents, but I need to lean on them and my friends for a long time. I've been known to go on a bender and crawl inside a bottle of Macallan. I think I'm in a better place so that I can find healthier outlets, but we will see.She asked me, "Doesn't a part of you think this is a huge mistake?" "Yes, but the other part of me says, 'It's a bigger mistake to keep playing this out when I know it's not right for either of us. You deserve someone that has ZERO doubts. I'm not that person'."

 

[Sea Duck]

You saved her from a divorce.

Based on the OP's description of his ex, it sounds like she would have preferred to get married & divorced.

 

[gianmarco]

It takes a big man to do what you did. Congrats. It's gonna suck for a while and you're going to be the bad guy, but if in your heart you knew it wasn't right for you, then you did the right thing. It would only get worse and more complicated from here. Good luck

It's like putting a pet down. Incredibly hard to do, but the right thing for both. It'll be rough at first. Until you get a new dog.......

 

[Courtjester]

You made the right decision. There was obviously something wrong and maybe you are completely in the wrong here as far as why things went wrong, BUT it would have ended badly for you guys in the long run, which would have just caused that much more pain.

I can relate, I had been dating a girl my senior year of high school (she was a junior at another school). After I graduated, I bought her a ring with the plans to get married right after she graduated. Her parents had been divorced multiple times (including once to each other) and were just so excited they were getting their only child out of the house so they could begin their life. They had bought the flowers, they put the picture in the paper. It was on.

However, one small problem (well, huge to me), she was mean. When we would argue, her first instinct was to swing. At 18 years old, I was shocked the first time she hit me, but once it happened, it happened all the time. One time she hit me with her car. She was crazy and damaged goods. For those of you who have seen it, think Amber Heard in Drive Angry--that is exactly her--looks and attitude. We got so far as meeting with the chaplain for the pre-marriage counselling and I had a huge scratch on my neck from her. He picked up on it right away. He said he was going to talk to her and that was pretty much it. Wedding off. I was branded the bad guy, but 8 months later, I started dating my now wife of 22 years and I couldn't be happier. Things happen for a reason.

As an ending, 6 months after I left crazy girl, I receive an envelope from her and the only thing inside was my high school class ring. And the funny thing on the return address, she listed her last name as something else. So she either was lying or within 6 months she had found another sap to marry her.

 

[nysportsfan]

You saved her from a divorce.

Based on the OP's description of his ex, it sounds like she would have preferred to get married & divorced.

She's doing what any normal person would do. She is in love with me and wants me to feel like she does. I want her to be happy, and that means having someone who is 100% sure so she never has to worry and say, "Will he leave me?" She shouldn't have to walk on egg shells with me, no one should.

 

[nysportsfan]

I keep looking at my phone out of habit expecting a text from her. ####### this sucks and will be hard.

 

[simey]

I know you werent calling me an ###. But I know her family will hate me. They should, they have every right to after I looked her father and mother in the eye and said, "I will take care of her forever."

People change their most in their twenties, which is why so many young marriages end in divorce. Her parents and siblings are going to support her and not be happy that you have hurt her deeply, but nobody wants their child/sibling to marry someone who isn't in love with them anymore. Feelings are going to be hurt, but it's the right thing to do for both of you.

 

[nysportsfan]

I know you werent calling me an ###. But I know her family will hate me. They should, they have every right to after I looked her father and mother in the eye and said, "I will take care of her forever."

People change their most in their twenties, which is why so many young marriages end in divorce. Her parents and siblings are going to support her and not be happy that you have hurt her deeply, but nobody wants their child/sibling to marry someone who isn't in love with them anymore. Feelings are going to be hurt, but it's the right thing to do for both of you.

Well said. I know you're right, I am just lost without her right now. Amazing to think I've been with someone for 6 years and then never again.

 

[TLEF316]

You made the right decision. There was obviously something wrong and maybe you are completely in the wrong here as far as why things went wrong, BUT it would have ended badly for you guys in the long run, which would have just caused that much more pain.I can relate, I had been dating a girl my senior year of high school (she was a junior at another school). After I graduated, I bought her a ring with the plans to get married right after she graduated. Her parents had been divorced multiple times (including once to each other) and were just so excited they were getting their only child out of the house so they could begin their life. They had bought the flowers, they put the picture in the paper. It was on. However, one small problem (well, huge to me), she was mean. When we would argue, her first instinct was to swing. At 18 years old, I was shocked the first time she hit me, but once it happened, it happened all the time. One time she hit me with her car. She was crazy and damaged goods. For those of you who have seen it, think Amber Heard in Drive Angry--that is exactly her--looks and attitude. We got so far as meeting with the chaplain for the pre-marriage counselling and I had a huge scratch on my neck from her. He picked up on it right away. He said he was going to talk to her and that was pretty much it. Wedding off. I was branded the bad guy, but 8 months later, I started dating my now wife of 22 years and I couldn't be happier. Things happen for a reason.As an ending, 6 months after I left crazy girl, I receive an envelope from her and the only thing inside was my high school class ring. And the funny thing on the return address, she listed her last name as something else. So she either was lying or within 6 months she had found another sap to marry her.

I would let amber heard beat the #### out of me every day for the rest of my life

 

[Marvin]

My link

 

[nysportsfan]

My link

SFW? I'm at work (school network).

 

[zed2283]

I have to throw in with what everyone else is saying here. If this is truly how you feel, then you're doing the right thing. I separated from my wife recently after 5 years, and I understand the guilt and other things you are feeling. And even though it FEELS wrong because of all those awful feelings, in your head you know it was something that you had to do.

It will get better. It sounds like your fiancee is like my wife (young, pretty, smart, etc.) and like a ton of my friends have told me, she's going to be alright.

Good luck.

 

[nysportsfan]

I have to throw in with what everyone else is saying here. If this is truly how you feel, then you're doing the right thing. I separated from my wife recently after 5 years, and I understand the guilt and other things you are feeling. And even though it FEELS wrong because of all those awful feelings, in your head you know it was something that you had to do.It will get better. It sounds like your fiancee is like my wife (young, pretty, smart, etc.) and like a ton of my friends have told me, she's going to be alright.Good luck.

Sorry you're going through the same thing, buddy. I'm worried for mine, though. She was right when she said, "You've been my whole adult life, now what?" I told her she was 24 and that was just a snippet of her overall adult life. "You were my college, my everything during the first half of my 20s. What happened?" "I don't know. I doesn't feel right."

 

[zed2283]

I have to throw in with what everyone else is saying here. If this is truly how you feel, then you're doing the right thing. I separated from my wife recently after 5 years, and I understand the guilt and other things you are feeling. And even though it FEELS wrong because of all those awful feelings, in your head you know it was something that you had to do.It will get better. It sounds like your fiancee is like my wife (young, pretty, smart, etc.) and like a ton of my friends have told me, she's going to be alright.Good luck.

Sorry you're going through the same thing, buddy. I'm worried for mine, though. She was right when she said, "You've been my whole adult life, now what?" I told her she was 24 and that was just a snippet of her overall adult life. "You were my college, my everything during the first half of my 20s. What happened?" "I don't know. I doesn't feel right."

That's the worst part of it, knowing how badly you've hurt her. After my wife and I separated, the way I felt about everything was directly tied into how she was doing. When I knew she wasn't doing well, I felt like ####, because it was directly my fault. But the times when I felt like she was moving on, doing better, it was a huge relief for me.

 

[nysportsfan]

I have to throw in with what everyone else is saying here. If this is truly how you feel, then you're doing the right thing. I separated from my wife recently after 5 years, and I understand the guilt and other things you are feeling. And even though it FEELS wrong because of all those awful feelings, in your head you know it was something that you had to do.It will get better. It sounds like your fiancee is like my wife (young, pretty, smart, etc.) and like a ton of my friends have told me, she's going to be alright.Good luck.

Sorry you're going through the same thing, buddy. I'm worried for mine, though. She was right when she said, "You've been my whole adult life, now what?" I told her she was 24 and that was just a snippet of her overall adult life. "You were my college, my everything during the first half of my 20s. What happened?" "I don't know. I doesn't feel right."

That's the worst part of it, knowing how badly you've hurt her. After my wife and I separated, the way I felt about everything was directly tied into how she was doing. When I knew she wasn't doing well, I felt like ####, because it was directly my fault. But the times when I felt like she was moving on, doing better, it was a huge relief for me.

This is not going to be a quick recovery for her. I can't imagine having planned for a wedding and now having to be Miss Havisham. Imagine how that feels? Imagine the hurt you feel? The feeling in your stomach? It brings me to tears thinking about it.

 

[Sea Duck]

She was right when she said, "You've been my whole adult life, now what?" I told her she was 24 and that was just a snippet of her overall adult life. "You were my college, my everything during the first half of my 20s. What happened?"

What happened is that she thought it was a good idea for one person to be her "whole adult life" when she was barely an adult. That's just not healthy.

 

[zed2283]

I have to throw in with what everyone else is saying here. If this is truly how you feel, then you're doing the right thing. I separated from my wife recently after 5 years, and I understand the guilt and other things you are feeling. And even though it FEELS wrong because of all those awful feelings, in your head you know it was something that you had to do.It will get better. It sounds like your fiancee is like my wife (young, pretty, smart, etc.) and like a ton of my friends have told me, she's going to be alright.Good luck.

Sorry you're going through the same thing, buddy. I'm worried for mine, though. She was right when she said, "You've been my whole adult life, now what?" I told her she was 24 and that was just a snippet of her overall adult life. "You were my college, my everything during the first half of my 20s. What happened?" "I don't know. I doesn't feel right."

That's the worst part of it, knowing how badly you've hurt her. After my wife and I separated, the way I felt about everything was directly tied into how she was doing. When I knew she wasn't doing well, I felt like ####, because it was directly my fault. But the times when I felt like she was moving on, doing better, it was a huge relief for me.

This is not going to be a quick recovery for her. I can't imagine having planned for a wedding and now having to be Miss Havisham. Imagine how that feels? Imagine the hurt you feel? The feeling in your stomach? It brings me to tears thinking about it.

I understand. And there is no way around it. The only thing you can do is keep reminding yourself that it was the right thing to do and that you are saving you both even more pain down the road. And at that point, more time would have passed, there might be kids, etc.

 

[Marvin]

My link

SFW? I'm at work (school network).

Yep

 

[nysportsfan]

She was right when she said, "You've been my whole adult life, now what?" I told her she was 24 and that was just a snippet of her overall adult life. "You were my college, my everything during the first half of my 20s. What happened?"

What happened is that she thought it was a good idea for one person to be her "whole adult life" when she was barely an adult. That's just not healthy.

Yep, I know. But when you're 18 and fall in love, it's hard not to do that. I don't blame her. It's not her, she's amazing. It's me, I've grown and now I think it's time that she does, as well.

 

[nysportsfan]

My link

SFW? I'm at work (school network).

Yep

Ha

 

[CrossEyed]

Sorry to hear that. Sometimes doing the right thing is painful, but if you knew that getting married would be a mistake then it was the right thing to do, despite the short term pain it caused. You'll both move on eventually and probably end up happier because of your decision.

Prayers for you.