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Was it cool for my one manager to gaslight me like this for requesting early hrs XMass Eve (1 Viewer)

Manager gas lighted me for asking for early hrs on holiday were they wrong

  • Yes they shouldn't ask why anyway

    Votes: 18 51.4%
  • No he's right

    Votes: 18 51.4%
  • Need more info and context

    Votes: 9 25.7%

  • Total voters
    35

DJackson10

Footballguy
So I work retail and this year thankfully we got off Xmass day so I don't have to worry about telling them no. I work in a grocery store and they make it mandatory that people work Xmass Eve and Wednesday before thanksgiving (despite they barely go by this rule and seem to pick and choose who gets off those days). I forgot to request early hrs on Thanksgiving eve as I was going out with friends who were coming in from town and then we were meeting up to go to our former HS Football Turkey Day game. Thankfully they asked me if I can work late told them I had to be out early which they allowed (worked till 7PM). I work produce and the beer/wine department and it was my Beer/wine manager who asked me. 

I usually go to XMass eve at my Dads Uncle's house but he has surgery this year and my dad's cousin lives 45 mins away but has her own XMass eve party we hardly go to besides the 1 year a few yrs ago when My dad's uncle had another surgery. The party starts at 2 I asked to be out by 3-3:30. I put my December requests off and what hrs I could work (try to help as best as I can when I know I need off and stuff) and put it on my produce managers desk.. B/W manager doesn't say anything to me. My Produce manager asks me why I needed early hrs, there's seniority involved (Been there 17 yrs only my Manager and another Full timer have more my Back up manager has less time then me) etc etc. I told him I wasn't going to my dad's uncles house up the street do to surgery and my Dad's cousin would be having Xmass Eve at her house. They start much earlier at 2. I don't have a license so I'd need a ride and I don't see this part of the family besides this time of year. Also my one cousin who lived in Seattle (Only see him during Xmass/New Years) and move home with his fiancee who's having twins will be there. I haven't met her yet either. 

I think it was more then ok for me to ask for early hours and I gave him about a months notice (put it in before Thanksgiving) which I think is more then fair. Maybe I shouldn't be aggravated as I am about it but I also don't think he should be mad or annoyed at me. Some of these bosses at work act like we don't have lives or families outside of work either and if we don't stay or work holidays it's like sacrelig. 

 
So I work retail and this year thankfully we got off Xmass day so I don't have to worry about telling them no. I work in a grocery store and they make it mandatory that people work Xmass Eve and Wednesday before thanksgiving (despite they barely go by this rule and seem to pick and choose who gets off those days). I forgot to request early hrs on Thanksgiving eve as I was going out with friends who were coming in from town and then we were meeting up to go to our former HS Football Turkey Day game. Thankfully they asked me if I can work late told them I had to be out early which they allowed (worked till 7PM). I work produce and the beer/wine department and it was my Beer/wine manager who asked me. 

I usually go to XMass eve at my Dads Uncle's house but he has surgery this year and my dad's cousin lives 45 mins away but has her own XMass eve party we hardly go to besides the 1 year a few yrs ago when My dad's uncle had another surgery. The party starts at 2 I asked to be out by 3-3:30. I put my December requests off and what hrs I could work (try to help as best as I can when I know I need off and stuff) and put it on my produce managers desk.. B/W manager doesn't say anything to me. My Produce manager asks me why I needed early hrs, there's seniority involved (Been there 17 yrs only my Manager and another Full timer have more my Back up manager has less time then me) etc etc. I told him I wasn't going to my dad's uncles house up the street do to surgery and my Dad's cousin would be having Xmass Eve at her house. They start much earlier at 2. I don't have a license so I'd need a ride and I don't see this part of the family besides this time of year. Also my one cousin who lived in Seattle (Only see him during Xmass/New Years) and move home with his fiancee who's having twins will be there. I haven't met her yet either. 

I think it was more then ok for me to ask for early hours and I gave him about a months notice (put it in before Thanksgiving) which I think is more then fair. Maybe I shouldn't be aggravated as I am about it but I also don't think he should be mad or annoyed at me. Some of these bosses at work act like we don't have lives or families outside of work either and if we don't stay or work holidays it's like sacrelig. 


Should note this is a boss I've been cool with over the yrs despite both of us having totally different political views and views on life. His idea of hard work is someone who works 60 hrs no days off and then only off on vacations or when he goes golfing with his buddies. That to me is just being overworked because you and others at the company fail to want to pay more to hire better help and people are no longer going to work for poor pay and go work else where now 

 
I wouldn't worry about my dude. You put the request in. You go and have a good time. I wouldn't even think about it twice. 

This is one of the perks of having seniority. Good news is they value you. 

Next year you need to work both holidays. 

 
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Sorry dude, voted with your mgr being right.  My best friend works retail as a lead for a major retailer.  This time of year they don't take requests short of death in the family.  Black Friday at 4 am, tough beans.  10 pm close and next day 6 am start...suck it up buttercup. 

I suspect in your case most want to work early so accomodating that has to be a major PIA when putting together a schedule.  That said, I feel for your situation and hope you get the hours you want to spend time with your family.

 
This Seattle cousin, are the twins his first kids? Do they know the sex, yet?

You're good, man, don't dwell on it. If it comes down to seniority, you should get what you want.

 
I wouldn't worry about my dude. You put the request in. You go and have a good time. I wouldn't even think about it twice. 

This is one of the perks of having seniority. Good news is they value you. 

Next year you need to work both holidays. 


Yeah I don't work any holidays and they know this. For one anywhere I go family wise is at my grandmas now retirement facility. Its 35 mins from where I am so I need pride there or uber and most times they want me on holiday till close and no point in going to holiday dinner etc. They know this. I worked last Christmas because I wasn't doing anything instantly regretted it. I'm honestly looking into changing careers or there's a local family own meat/deli shop that hat closes at 7-8 everyday. I know people who work there and people who like it so if I stay in the business I'd go there but only if it's similar pay and benefits and If I can work somewhat of a set schedule (Something I need with my Aspergers that can't be guaranteed at my current work. 

Just was more taken about by his reaction. I stay and help him all the time, come in when needed etc. Put it in early enough that if he has to change people around he has time. So not sure what his big deal is. My only guess is our one guy called out Sunday before the holiday that corporate loves to "Busiest Sunday of the year" BS no one would stay to help as it was the night guy so he came back for 4 hrs. I offered to help (worked B/W that day dead) he refused. Get his frustration but dude don't take it out on me like that. 

 
This Seattle cousin, are the twins his first kids? Do they know the sex, yet?

You're good, man, don't dwell on it. If it comes down to seniority, you should get what you want.


Twins yes and his first. He's 42 she's 26 (younger then me actually) it's her parents first grandkids. My Cousin his parents already have grandkids by their daughter whos house we are going to. 

Yeah I just was surprised I guess 

 
Sorry dude, voted with your mgr being right.  My best friend works retail as a lead for a major retailer.  This time of year they don't take requests short of death in the family.  Black Friday at 4 am, tough beans.  10 pm close and next day 6 am start...suck it up buttercup. 


One it's ridiculous anyone has to work retail at 4AM sorry especially when the boss is probably still sitting at home sipping his latte before coming in, probably only worked till noon the day before holiday and off the holiday enjoying his 2nd house. I had a friend work retail and basically most of any Black Friday deals aren't really deals anyway. Just back stock they over ordered or high end items they know are supply and demand. The deals you get blackfriday are just scams. Your best deals are right after Christmas. 

I suspect in your case most want to work early so accomodating that has to be a major PIA when putting together a schedule.  That said, I feel for your situation and hope you get the hours you want to spend time with your family.


Unless you are gonna pay me a bonus to work those those shifts (can more then afford that plus pay bump holiday or something I'm sure as most of these people are working minimum wage) then if I had to do that I'd say sorry your on your own happy holidays good luck finding the extra help with the bad pay. This is in no means an insult to your best friend. Most of the time a guy like him is simple following upper management orders. Most of these guys are just trying to get by themselves  unless they are acting like some corporate stooge. However if a senior staff member asks (especially one who doesn't ask for much to begin with) for certain hours you should do your best to accommadate them or else thats simple not being a good manager and just taking advantage of people. You that too often you won't find yourself sorting through a schedule to accommodate people but trying to find coverage and staff to work those shifts short handed with the pay most pay today won't cut it. Theres no worker shortage it's a better pay shortage and people are smartening up and not taking the bad jobs with terrible pay anymore or quit those jobs if they could. 

I appreciate the words however these bosses need to put in a human aspect. Your employees are human beings and have lives and family too. Treat them poorly and you'll be finding yourself with no business at all. 

 
DJax works in a grocery store

They are expected to work Christmas eve

He needed to get off earlier than usual this year and put the request in early.

Manager asked him why he needed off early. 
Good on you for getting through that. I lost my way at Thanksgiving let alone figuring out what the heck is going on at Christmas. 

 
Here's a decent explainer on the meaning of gaslighting:

The term “gaslighting” comes from the movie, and so its definition is rather specific: when a person lies for their own gain to another person so repeatedly and with so much confidence that the victim begins to doubt her own sanity. And, as the film puts it, a bit of Stockholm Syndrome develops as well: The victim, now uncertain that she can perceive reality correctly, becomes dependent on the gaslighter, more attached to him than ever.

 
Sorry dude, voted with your mgr being right.  My best friend works retail as a lead for a major retailer.  This time of year they don't take requests short of death in the family.  Black Friday at 4 am, tough beans.  10 pm close and next day 6 am start...suck it up buttercup. 

I suspect in your case most want to work early so accomodating that has to be a major PIA when putting together a schedule.  That said, I feel for your situation and hope you get the hours you want to spend time with your family.
Not this year. Experienced grocery worker with a proven track record. He'd be on the pine for about 30 seconds.

If it's that important to the store, make it important to the employees. Give double time for the Eves and post a sign-up sheet. 

https://i.redd.it/blpiyd4662s71.jpg

 
Take Nick Gage with you into work and confront the manager GB.

This isn't something a fluorescent light tube to the noggin won't resolve 💪

Enjoy every holiday off going forward 

 
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DJax works in a grocery store

They are expected to work Christmas eve

He needed to get off earlier than usual this year and put the request in early.

Manager asked him why he needed off early. 
If that’s accurate, I don’t understand what the problem is. What’s wrong with the manager asking why?

 
Gawain said:
Not this year. Experienced grocery worker with a proven track record. He'd be on the pine for about 30 seconds.

If it's that important to the store, make it important to the employees. Give double time for the Eves and post a sign-up sheet. 

https://i.redd.it/blpiyd4662s71.jpg


Not that easy for the full time peeps locked into decent vacation and 401k.  Ultimately if you don't want to work holidays and crappy shifts it's probably best to stay out of retail.

I do agree with you that the part timers hold the hammer.

 
Good on you for getting through that. I lost my way at Thanksgiving let alone figuring out what the heck is going on at Christmas. 


I was pretty sure some kind of church service was involved somewhere.  XMass.

 
Not this year. Experienced grocery worker with a proven track record. He'd be on the pine for about 30 seconds.

If it's that important to the store, make it important to the employees. Give double time for the Eves and post a sign-up sheet. 

https://i.redd.it/blpiyd4662s71.jpg


Bingo you want people to work pay them that way. We just got a new contract. We are getting "raises" if you want to call them that but it's something we went to Prudential as our pension instead of John Hopkins and we kept our benefits which some of my moms friends who work high paying jobs say I have better then them. 

However we're not given double time for working Eves. Back in the day I have coworkers who have been there for yrs who got time and a half for working Saturday night and then Sun and thats why they took Saturday night. If those days are that important to your business show the workers how and award them for working those days. 

Also to get into your link fully agree here. Companies especially retail and restaurant work claim to have a worker shortage. No we got shortage of good paying jobs and people are wising up and won't work for the slave wages you offer with barely any benefits. Also "flexible Scheduling" just works one way and it's usually the companies way. In other words you the EMPLOYEE MUST BE FLEXIBLE TO WORK WHENEVER WE ASK. If you can't pay a living wage with benefits you aren't a successful company. You are just a company that pays legal slave wages and scam your way to money. If Jeff Bezos can afford to set his ### off into space he can afford to give his workers at Amazon raises and better benefits. 

 
If that’s accurate, I don’t understand what the problem is. What’s wrong with the manager asking why?


It's how he asked and then confronting me with the Senority BS that no one even follows and If I'm being honest I should be pulling rank on it more then I do. He basically acted like I was inconveniencing him while a lot of times I do get scheduled it inconveniences me. He's in the mind set hard work and a good employee works over 60 hrs a week barely gets a day off type. Meanwhile he makes twice as much as me. 

Also it's not like I will be in his department anyway. I work both Beer/Wine and Produce and for the most part I'm in produce 5 of the 6 days a week most days I work besides the random Fri or Sat I work or if someone in B&W is on vacation. Holiday wise the week of for Thanksgiving I was not in produce one day. So it's not like he'd be using me anyway. Sometimes he likes to complain to complain. I don't even discuss politics at work especially him as he gets on a high horse about being right and one of those who will just talk and not let you get a word in. I like him as a manager he's usually fare and carefree with us not micromanaging like a lot of the other people. But it was the way he asked me and complained. I told him honestly if I had my license I'd probably could work later. But I also have family that lives further then most in the store. Seems like most of my coworkers and bosses all have family in the same general area. My closes family is a brother 20 mins away, My Closes Aunt Uncle or Grandparent is 35. My Further Aunt and Uncle are over over 1 1/2 hrs away by Metlife Stadium (I live in Philly) with family in Boston and Florida and NJ. My one Cousin is in Germany and my Oldest cousin and his wife are thinking of moving to Australia where she's from at some point. So my family is spread out. I'd like if people at my work understood that better thought since everyone there has family much closer. If I had holidays at my house (Live with my parents and our house isn't a great size for hosting a big family Id probably work more on holidays to a decent time they wanted but unfortunately I can't 

 
Not that easy for the full time peeps locked into decent vacation and 401k.  Ultimately if you don't want to work holidays and crappy shifts it's probably best to stay out of retail.

I do agree with you that the part timers hold the hammer.


Honestly shouldn't even have to work holidays unless it's emergency service or medical people type. Use to be everyone was off for holidays especially Xmass and Thanksgiving but the corporations got greedy and then you had dumb people who volunteered work those days when some corporate fat cat thought it'd be cool to be open now they all do it. The US is lucky most of the working class is now afraid of the corporations because we're many and if we all pulled together for a general strike for over a month the corporations would be on their knees begging for us to comeback. WE MAKE YOU THE MONEY and do all the dirty work. Only time the corporation gets involved is a customer complaint where they never take the employees side even if the employee was right.

Thank god for cell phone cameras and social media these days because now more of those incidents are going the right way as they should. WOuld've hoped by now some of these corporations would see some of the stuff their employees go through with customers and make life easier but they don't care. I was hoping the pandemic would make people appreciate and treat retail people better but unfortunately it made those in non retail more entitled and terrible ignorant, rude and violent. See some of those anti mask videos online? I've been involved with customers like that. Older women Thanksgiving Eve called me a ##### for basically following my stores guidelines on a problem she had. 

Retail work if you are the right person humbles you and I think everyone should do it for at least 3-4 yrs to get a sense what they go through. Maybe get some more respect. I got my job at 16 and worked there plus a GameStop (GameStop really gave me a different opinion of the actual employees perspective wise), and its really changed how I see people in the business. I'm very courteous to those in retail unless they aren't back. If I see a manager and got great service if I see a supervisor I'll tell them or ask if they have some sort of rewards program for the employees. If a person is rude I made sure to tell them and say I don't want to make a scene but I just want you to be aware of this employees unprofessional behavior 

 
The US is lucky most of the working class is now afraid of the corporations because we're many and if we all pulled together for a general strike for over a month the corporations would be on their knees begging for us to comeback. 


Think about what you're saying here...you want all business to shut down for a month.  As we found out in the pandemic,  most folks don't have 2 weeks of food and most can't afford to miss a single paycheck. Great,  take off and go to movies...closed. How about a bar....closed. Go to a ballgame...can't operate without support staff.

Retail work if you are the right person humbles you and I think everyone should do it for at least 3-4 yrs to get a sense what they go through. 


Agreed. Did it for 6 years during and after college and never want to go back. I do thank and try to reward good service as a result though.

 
Think about what you're saying here...you want all business to shut down for a month.  As we found out in the pandemic,  most folks don't have 2 weeks of food and most can't afford to miss a single paycheck. Great,  take off and go to movies...closed. How about a bar....closed. Go to a ballgame...can't operate without support staff.


Here in lies the issue at hand. Corporations and companies know this and unfortunately a lot of people are so desperate to be paid they take these terrible jobs. Fortunately more people are stopping looking for these jobs and Corporations and companies are wondering why? Because you dehumanize most of them and take advantage of their short comings. Also most of the boomer generation told young America if you don't like your low paying jobs then quit. Well they did and now the boomer generation and others are complaining about exactly what they told the younger generation to do. That backfired in a grand way. Most Unions are bought by the corporations now and HR is nothing more than companies PR department. 

Finland just recently the administer of Economy tried to lower postal service wages. When that happened within a week the entire postal service went on strike. What followed was most of the service industry in the country went on strike as a rallying cry and support of the postal service. What happened next? Canceled the lower wages and the admistrator of economics stepped down. In this country there's no Union solidarity anymore. If more unions joined together they'd be stronger. However it helps when countries like Finland have laws about right to work where as here we go backwards. My state you can't even get in trouble for firing someone just because of a disability or because of their status. I don't affiliate with either political party in the US anymore because Republicans have shown how anti Union they are (blatantly did so in the Reagan Administration and Dems have showed they will fight for the corporations if they had a choice between the citizens or those who line their pockets. Workers have way more rights in other countries especially in Europe. 

Agreed. Did it for 6 years during and after college and never want to go back. I do thank and try to reward good service as a result though.


Yep I was hoping the pandemic would help show more appreciation but it's made those not in the industry more entitled, arrogant and think they are being unconvinced. Unfortunately it's just made retail work harder and people have showed less appreciation. At first during the Pandemic I had a few people tipping me. I had about $100 in tips in 3 days at one point more then 2 days of work at the time. That only lasted the first few months. We had hazard pay for about 3 months but then that stopped. 

I'd like to find different work especially where I can work from home (maybe a job where I go in the office for meetings and such or something else once a week or so) and are on a more set schedule with weekends and most holidays off. Have a friend who started this and loves it. Was off Thanksgiving all through the weekend and felt she had an actual holiday finally. Where if she was still working with me she'd have worked Wednesday late, most of Thurs and probably Fri and Sat. She also was allowed to clock off early on Wednesday too. She seems much happier and better state. 

 
That word does not mean what you think it means.  Not even close.
The movie gaslight was on TV like a year ago.  I watched it primarily because it was a term I used every once in a while and also because it had Ingrid Bergman in it.

Use the term right you animal.  (Not you Mrs Rannous)

I worked retail for many years.  Even though I'm in an industry now that doesn't have crazy holiday requirements, I still try to volunteer for holidays.  But, if you've been taking the hits on holiday hours in the past, use your seniority if it matters to you and don't sweat it bud.

 
I worked retail for many years.  Even though I'm in an industry now that doesn't have crazy holiday requirements, I still try to volunteer for holidays.  But, if you've been taking the hits on holiday hours in the past, use your seniority if it matters to you and don't sweat it bud.


Yeah last year I worked XMass since I had no plans. Also I'm no longer going to my 2nd cousins (for now and could change) as my her and her husband won't get vaccinated and my mom won't take a chance. If My one cousin who lives near me does go I might go with him but it might also cause an issue with my parents however I could just say they went t work party for my mom and an old friend of hers invited her to theirs. That should suffice that. 

Either way I've taken numerous hits on holidays OVER THE YEARS. I'm not pushing my seniority a little more around these days to try and force them to actually find other help. I did have an idea a few were interested in for Thanksgiving but never got enough people. We were going to have people volunteer to work Thanksgiving and then non of us come in and see how they'd handle it. We are so short handed they wouldn't be able to justify suspended us or terminating us. Had a friend in another job do this a few yrs ago and the company stopped forcing people to work holidays and then shortly after told them they were closed on holidays. 

 
Update got my hrs I wanted XMASS eve but had taken off Sunday as well for family plans. Was informed last Sat I won tickets to the Eagles game this weekend now pushed to Tuesday. Still going and I informed them I was working till 8 Tues not possible now. I had family plans that evening and other family stuff I can now do on Sunday again. They tried using the "we're shorthanded excuse on me" I kindly reminded them I originally did take off Sun and wanted that still for this other stuff. Offered to work till 5 Tues. They fixed everything but I just laugh when these companies try to guilt you with the "BuT wErE sHoRtHaNdEd" BS. Not my fault people aren't working for your horrible wages. You're lucky I haven't left because I haven't found a better job with similar health benefits I need yet or I'd have been long gone already. 

 
Update got my hrs I wanted XMASS eve but had taken off Sunday as well for family plans. Was informed last Sat I won tickets to the Eagles game this weekend now pushed to Tuesday. Still going and I informed them I was working till 8 Tues not possible now. I had family plans that evening and other family stuff I can now do on Sunday again. They tried using the "we're shorthanded excuse on me" I kindly reminded them I originally did take off Sun and wanted that still for this other stuff. Offered to work till 5 Tues. They fixed everything but I just laugh when these companies try to guilt you with the "BuT wErE sHoRtHaNdEd" BS. Not my fault people aren't working for your horrible wages. You're lucky I haven't left because I haven't found a better job with similar health benefits I need yet or I'd have been long gone already. 
I was pretty much on your side until this post. This one basically says "The schedule was set and I came in and imploded it at the last moment and they are being ##### for not immediately giving in to my demands." Sorry, but you come off sounding quite entitled and full of yourself with this one.

 
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I was pretty much on your side until this post. This one basically says "The schedule was set and I cam in and imploded it at the last moment and they are being ##### for not immediately giving in to my demands." Sorry, but you come off sounding quite entitled and full of yourself with this one.
Pretty much, yeah, and this is another example of someone thinking the company needs him more than he needs them.  Most people are replaceable when it comes to their jobs, and many wrongly assume they are irreplaceable.  

 

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