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What NOT to say to cancer pts.. (1 Viewer)

Henry Ford said:
"Hey, you want to go to a Scientology meeting with me?"
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OMG the religious Jesus people are THE worst. I get so frustrated with Christians who ask me how I'm doing, only to briefly listen, and then proclaim "well don't you worry, Jesus is going to heal you!" "Everything is going to be fine, Jesus will heal you!" Jesus has a plan for you, and he's going to heal you". I believe if God was going to intervene, he would have sent someone to find a cure for all cancer patients long long ago. I feel like Christians use this phrase as a means for denial, or as a default saying when they don't know what else to say. Some would say it is their means of offering hope, but I don't find hope in it.

 
You mean lemon juice isn't the answer?  Huh, go figure...

And, I would think if God wanted to intervene, couldn't he have perhaps just prevented it in the first place...Oh, but its part of his "plan" I guess.  Pretty ####ty plan, IMO.

 
People say inappropriate stuff all the time, not just to cancer patients.  They offer opinions and to "help" when neither was asked for.  The homeopathic zealots are worse to me than those with a religious bent because many times they have no freaking idea what they are talking about.  Dr. Oz had it on one day and now they are experts.  That being said, unless it's wildly inappropriate it's probably best to just ignore as it's an uncomfortable topic for all and those listening have a natural reaction to want to help vs. just being there..

So, to Curly...You say "I have cancer".  What's the best response?

 
Galileo said:
You mean lemon juice isn't the answer?  Huh, go figure...

And, I would think if God wanted to intervene, couldn't he have perhaps just prevented it in the first place...Oh, but its part of his "plan" I guess.  Pretty ####ty plan, IMO.
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You would be AMAZED what you find on facebook and elsewhere on the latest holistic/natural cures to cancer. It's scary to see how many respond to this bs by dropping out of chemo, rads, etc treatments- the only things out there that has any kind of a track record of successfully keeping you disease free, and for many, for the rest of their lives. Simply blows my mind.

 
Judge Smails said:
People say inappropriate stuff all the time, not just to cancer patients.  They offer opinions and to "help" when neither was asked for.  The homeopathic zealots are worse to me than those with a religious bent because many times they have no freaking idea what they are talking about.  Dr. Oz had it on one day and now they are experts.  That being said, unless it's wildly inappropriate it's probably best to just ignore as it's an uncomfortable topic for all and those listening have a natural reaction to want to help vs. just being there..

So, to Curly...You say "I have cancer".  What's the best response?
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For me it's something like I'm so sorry to hear. I wish you the very best outcome. Good luck to you. If they are religious then hearing a God Bless isn't a bad thing. I'm not religious but I do appreciate hearing a God Bless from those who are, or that they are praying for me. That's fine. Just don't tell me how everything is going to be just fine because really, no one knows. If I'm in a good mood it'd probably roll off me and wouldn't bother me but if I'm having a bad day, don't say that to me. Better safe than sorry unless you really know the person and their moods because cancer has a way of sometimes taking something that is well meaning and turning it into a say what??!! :)

And for those who I actually know like friends, to add to the what to say about cancer, I'd add something like please let me/us know if there's any thing we can do to help you. What's really needed is actual help like with babysitting kids, cooking, cleaning- stuff like that. Usually even people who don't know you very well are more than happy to help, and us on the receiving end are thrilled for the offer whether or not we take them up on it.

 
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CurlyNight said:
For me it's something like I'm so sorry to hear. I wish you the very best outcome. Good luck to you. If they are religious then hearing a God Bless isn't a bad thing. I'm not religious but I do appreciate hearing a God Bless from those who are, or that they are praying for me. That's fine. Just don't tell me how everything is going to be just fine because really, no one knows. If I'm in a good mood it'd probably roll off me and wouldn't bother me but if I'm having a bad day, don't say that to me. Better safe than sorry unless you really know the person and their moods because cancer has a way of sometimes taking something that is well meaning and turning it into a say what??!! :)

And for those who I actually know like friends, to add to the what to say about cancer, I'd add something like please let me/us know if there's any thing we can do to help you. What's really needed is actual help like with babysitting kids, cooking, cleaning- stuff like that. Usually even people who don't know you very well are more than happy to help, and us on the receiving end are thrilled for the offer whether or not we take them up on it.
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Excellent response, especially the "I wish you the very best outcome" part and suggestion to offer help.  CaringBridge is great for organizing that and letting people pitch in.

 
Officer Pete Malloy said:
I'm pushing 50 and this has literally never happened to me.
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Hmmm.  Well, if you have a decent circle of family, friends, etc it's coming.  Had one of my best friends die of a brain tumor at 49.  Another with advanced prostate cancer at the same age.  Wife's good friend's husband die of colon cancer at 50.  My niece's husband is cancer free after aggressive throat cancer and multiple surgeries.  Many of our female friends are battling breast cancer.  Don't know if you were being straight or if it was schtick, but all I know is that once you hit 50 most people have lots of reasons to participate in Relay for Life events.....I personally don't know of anybody my age who hasn't been touched by it..

 
Judge Smails said:
Excellent response, especially the "I wish you the very best outcome" part and suggestion to offer help.  CaringBridge is great for organizing that and letting people pitch in.
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That's all really what we want if you ask around. When people find out you have cancer, you wish the best. Or offer to help out too with our key daily stuff that can't go on hold because you are flat on your back on the couch feeling like #### after treatments.

In fact for me I'm more blown away by the people who I only know online who send me well wishes in PMs. Many read my blog. That's great. I also hope it's a learning process as I blog about my journey and give info and tips on how to deal with so many things that go along with having cancer. Friends and relatives you kind of expect them to give well wishes if they know... but strangers. Now that's something!

 
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It's a tough issue for people to deal with.  They want to help, but don't know how. They want to say the right words, but finding them is so difficult. For those who mean well, I think the best thing to keep in mind is that they mean well. Chance was always so gracious and welcoming to everyone who offered words of support, no matter the particular content or message. Holding people to a standard of saying "the right thing" is a fool's errand, and only serves to drive well-meaning people away (or you away from them). One of the many life lessons Chance taught me. 

 
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CurlyNight said:
For me it's something like I'm so sorry to hear. I wish you the very best outcome. Good luck to you. If they are religious then hearing a God Bless isn't a bad thing. I'm not religious but I do appreciate hearing a God Bless from those who are, or that they are praying for me. That's fine. Just don't tell me how everything is going to be just fine because really, no one knows. If I'm in a good mood it'd probably roll off me and wouldn't bother me but if I'm having a bad day, don't say that to me. Better safe than sorry unless you really know the person and their moods because cancer has a way of sometimes taking something that is well meaning and turning it into a say what??!! :)

And for those who I actually know like friends, to add to the what to say about cancer, I'd add something like please let me/us know if there's any thing we can do to help you. What's really needed is actual help like with babysitting kids, cooking, cleaning- stuff like that. Usually even people who don't know you very well are more than happy to help, and us on the receiving end are thrilled for the offer whether or not we take them up on it.
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On this topic, through our Foundation I've had lots of opportunities to support, counsel and talk to cancer patients and parents of children with cancer, and one piece of advice I've shared is that they take people up on general offers of assistance and tell them specifically what they need to do to help. People want to help, and given some direction they will be so happy to do so. It makes them feel helpful, rather than helpless, and people who feel helpless will often drift away from you over time. Give them something constructive to do. It makes things easier for you, and they feel like they are a valued part of your journey. Win-win. 

 
bigbottom said:
It's a tough issue for people to deal with.  They want to help, but don't know how. They want to say the right words, but finding them is so difficult. For those who mean well, I think the best thing to keep in mind is that they mean well. Chance was always so gracious to everyone who offered words of support, no matter the particular content or message. Holding people to a standard of saying "the right thing" is a fool's errand, and only serves to drive well-meaning people away. One of the many life lessons Chance taught me. 
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Well said. I speak for myself here. I had a rough childhood. I was usually on the defense for mostly who gives a rat's ### reasons. I'm finding as I read threads on breastcancer.org about how others take comments that I'm not the only one who can have issue with what people say. Majority of people are well meaning, yes it is true. But again catch me in the wrong mood and it will be taken as say what??! I'm thinking kids are generally more resilient and forgiving so to speak than many adults.

I never say anything to them to make them feel like I didn't appreciate what they said. I thank them.  I just say to myself, wow.

Big ups to Chance. He was truly special. I'm working on it but like I said, for many of us it is a hard hurdle and some I'm finding just can't cross over it. Their loss, who knows. Maybe to them it's not.

 
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bigbottom said:
On this topic, through our Foundation I've had lots of opportunities to support, counsel and talk to cancer patients and parents of children with cancer, and one piece of advice I've shared is that they take people up on general offers of assistance and tell them specifically what they need to do to help. People want to help, and given some direction they will be so happy to do so. It makes them feel helpful, rather than helpless, and people who feel helpless will often drift away from you over time. Give them something constructive to do. It makes things easier for you, and they feel like they are a valued part of your journey. Win-win. 
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This is absolutely true. My bro is absolutely devastated that he doesn't live near to help me, even though I don't need help. Thankfully I've been able to take care of myself through this process thus far. Instead I get so many cards from him, loving ones. He never did that before. On occasions I'd get cards, but they were always funny and light. Now they are all I love you, you mean so much to me.. I mean this is not who he was. He's changed.

There is this gal on breastcancer.org who is end stage IV. She accidentally got placed in the EMR that she is a drug seeker so no more narcotics for her. WTH?? She's dying. She's in pain. You're calling her a drug seeker like she's a bad addict??! That infuriated me. I have 2 bottles of Norco that I've never had to use because I did so well with surgery. I'm going back and forth in pms now asking her to give me her address so I can send them to her. I so want her to accept my offer that I'm losing sleep over it! I know if I can help someone in great need, I truly want to do it and have a very tough time accepting no. A lot of people I'm finding are like this and it's so comforting to see people reach out to strangers in their time of great need.

 
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CurlyNight said:
You would be AMAZED what you find on facebook and elsewhere on the latest holistic/natural cures to cancer. It's scary to see how many respond to this bs by dropping out of chemo, rads, etc treatments- the only things out there that has any kind of a track record of successfully keeping you disease free, and for many, for the rest of their lives. Simply blows my mind.
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I look at it as evolution in action.

 
CurlyNight said:
OMG the religious Jesus people are THE worst. I get so frustrated with Christians who ask me how I'm doing, only to briefly listen, and then proclaim "well don't you worry, Jesus is going to heal you!" "Everything is going to be fine, Jesus will heal you!" Jesus has a plan for you, and he's going to heal you". I believe if God was going to intervene, he would have sent someone to find a cure for all cancer patients long long ago. I feel like Christians use this phrase as a means for denial, or as a default saying when they don't know what else to say. Some would say it is their means of offering hope, but I don't find hope in it.
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I don't mean to derail your thread, but this post also rings so incredibly true for my wife and my fertility issues. We've gotten a ton of the following statements said to us by Jesus people, all of which offend the crap out of us:

1. "Well, I'm sure God has a plan." - yeah I'm sure if he does it's a ####ty plan as this ####### thought the Job bet was a good thing to do.

2. "Maybe it just isn't meant to be and God has other things in store for you." - He's an idiot then. We both love each other, we both made it to a point where we can provide a happy and nice life for a child, and we both really want children. 

3. "It'll happen when God is ready for it to happen and when you're ready." - Trust me, we are ready. And you'd hope he'd make it happen before we essentially took out a small mortgage to pay for ivf. 

4. "Oh you're doing IVF? The church considers that a sin. Have you simply tried praying more?" - :wall:

Anyway, again, I apologize for derailing your thread and I'm not trying to analogize the situation beyond merely empathisizing with the offensive things religious people can say, but I agree with you completely as it's just their was of being in willful denial of an unfair and unexplainable situation but can come across as incredibly ignorant and insensitive.

 
Zow said:
I don't mean to derail your thread, but this post also rings so incredibly true for my wife and my fertility issues. We've gotten a ton of the following statements said to us by Jesus people, all of which offend the crap out of us:

1. "Well, I'm sure God has a plan." - yeah I'm sure if he does it's a ####ty plan as this ####### thought the Job bet was a good thing to do.

2. "Maybe it just isn't meant to be and God has other things in store for you." - He's an idiot then. We both love each other, we both made it to a point where we can provide a happy and nice life for a child, and we both really want children. 

3. "It'll happen when God is ready for it to happen and when you're ready." - Trust me, we are ready. And you'd hope he'd make it happen before we essentially took out a small mortgage to pay for ivf. 

4. "Oh you're doing IVF? The church considers that a sin. Have you simply tried praying more?" - :wall:

Anyway, again, I apologize for derailing your thread and I'm not trying to analogize the situation beyond merely empathisizing with the offensive things religious people can say, but I agree with you completely as it's just their was of being in willful denial of an unfair and unexplainable situation but can come across as incredibly ignorant and insensitive.
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BS. Especially on number 4. The only way you are getting a ton of these statements is if you are attending westboro baptist rallies and telling everybody there your situation over and over. Fertility issues aren't something you should even tell a ton of people to begin with let alone a ton of "jesus people". Although I guess if anybody was going to turn it into a look at me moment it would be you.

If you really think about these statements #4 is really the only one that is offensive. If somebody truly believed in god and was very religious why would you expect any different? Same with the cancer statements. You have to look at it from their side. They have grown up believing in some super all powerful being that has intricate plans. You know things like sending jesus to earth, making him do a bunch of great things, then dying a ridiculously painful death and somehow in doing so he was saving mankind. Then three days later he rises up forgives everybody, loves everybody, even judas and I think maybe somewhere in there they had a supper. And yep, you bet it was all a plan. 

So if somebody really believes that's how god works, then them saying I am sure god has a plan should not be surprising and it should not be taken as an insult. To them that is an incredibly comforting statement and if it is a genuinely good person that is likely all they are trying to provide you. 

 
Zow said:
I don't mean to derail your thread, but this post also rings so incredibly true for my wife and my fertility issues. We've gotten a ton of the following statements said to us by Jesus people, all of which offend the crap out of us:

1. "Well, I'm sure God has a plan." - yeah I'm sure if he does it's a ####ty plan as this ####### thought the Job bet was a good thing to do.

2. "Maybe it just isn't meant to be and God has other things in store for you." - He's an idiot then. We both love each other, we both made it to a point where we can provide a happy and nice life for a child, and we both really want children. 

3. "It'll happen when God is ready for it to happen and when you're ready." - Trust me, we are ready. And you'd hope he'd make it happen before we essentially took out a small mortgage to pay for ivf. 

4. "Oh you're doing IVF? The church considers that a sin. Have you simply tried praying more?" - :wall:

Anyway, again, I apologize for derailing your thread and I'm not trying to analogize the situation beyond merely empathisizing with the offensive things religious people can say, but I agree with you completely as it's just their was of being in willful denial of an unfair and unexplainable situation but can come across as incredibly ignorant and insensitive.
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Oh for sure. This isn't just for cancer but that any struggle can be fixed this way. If you've ever seen Jimmy Swaggart in action, that's one nut that pushes the Jesus heals and cures agenda (oh and the more you donate to the word of God the more blessed you will be and receive more help in return). I just feel bad for those who do nothing as a result and wind up, well, with nothing or worse, dead.

 
Cjw_55106 said:
Nice thread. Didnt take long to get into how much the religious folks are terrible. 
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I never said they are bad people. I said I appreciate the God Bless and I'll pray for you from them because it does come from their heart. My biggest fear is those who are ever so desperate to hear something, anything else works just as well or better other than the known chemo, radiation, etc txs that to date is the only thing that will put cancer in remission and for many for the rest of the lives. Those who are having a terrible time, basically bedridden with the side effects ready to stop tx because it's so bad. Now they hear folks who keep preaching Jesus will heal you and proceed to drop txs and put all their eggs in the faith basket. There's nothing wrong with having alternative methods whether eating this exotic fruit from the far east to prayers to whatever, but in addition to the proven txs. I never thought of this as an issue until I've started living on breastcancer.org and other cancer boards to see what people are saying/thinking.

 
 As a religious Christian I'd like to offer my sympathies to those who get preached at or are otherwise insensitively spoken to by well-meaning but ignorant members of my faith.  I wish I could refute some of these accusations but alas, many of these comments are spot on for a zealous subset of Christianity. 

 I will say, however, that I noticed this happening far more on online communication than in real life. I think in general, the level of discourse surrounding sensitive topics has significantly degenerated in the age of message boards, Facebook posts and comments sections.

 
 I would also like to point out that the inappropriate lecturing occurs in many other types of difficult situations including parenting, marriage, career advice or really anything else that is personal and important to you that you share with others.

 
Heck, I don't know what to say in this thread let alone in real life. I am not sure saying anything is always needed. Listening goes a long way I think.

 
Zow said:
Obviously a "ton" is a touch hyperbolic. 
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So by ton you meant, these are things that maybe people could say to me that I would be offended by. Getting fertility treatments is a private thing. I honestly cant even imagine discussing it with four people, let alone four people that one each would say the four things you mentioned. Seriously, why would you come in this thread and make that crap up or why on earth would you be discussing it with so many people or why do you associate so much with religious folk yet complain about them when they inexplicably(sarcasm) talk about god?

 
parasaurolophus said:
If you really think about these statements #4 is really the only one that is offensive. If somebody truly believed in god and was very religious why would you expect any different? Same with the cancer statements. You have to look at it from their side. They have grown up believing in some super all powerful being that has intricate plans. You know things like sending jesus to earth, making him do a bunch of great things, then dying a ridiculously painful death and somehow in doing so he was saving mankind. Then three days later he rises up forgives everybody, loves everybody, even judas and I think maybe somewhere in there they had a supper. And yep, you bet it was all a plan. 

So if somebody really believes that's how god works, then them saying I am sure god has a plan should not be surprising and it should not be taken as an insult. To them that is an incredibly comforting statement and if it is a genuinely good person that is likely all they are trying to provide you. 
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When my father passed away from cancer a lot of religious people spoke with me.  He was a popular guy and also fairly well known in the local religious community so he had a big funeral and a lot of people offered me their condolences.

As someone that is not religious, it never bothered me when people said something like "we are praying for you".  I understood that was their way of offering their condolences and saying they were thinking about us and hoped for the best.  I appreciated that even though the concept of prayer is not something that appeals to me in the slightest.  Them saying that my father was in a better place now (probably the next most common after prayer) was similarly their way of reconciling why a good man would be taken and made them feel better about his fate and suffering.  They wanted him to be happy and to feel better.

On the flipside, yes the uncommon "God has a plan" or, even worse, the more rare "stay strong, God is testing your faith" did bother me a touch.  God is testing my faith?  First of all, I'm not a religious guy.  But more importantly, even if I was, what you're saying to me when you unpack this is that God murdered my innocent father to make sure that I would still love him afterwards?  And you think that is OK?  That is a good thing?

"God has a plan" wasn't as bad but still annoying.  To me the concept that there is a God with a plan is much more terrifying than the concept that there is no God.  The idea that there is a sentient being who is evil enough to willfully give cancer to kids and adults alike, and that being not only has the will to do these things but also the omnipotence?  Again, why is this a good thing?  My dad was a pretty good guy who was friendly and loved helping people.  Not sure why any intentional plan would include him getting sick and slowly, painfully dying.

But then again, the people that truly believe this statement and aren't just offering it as a way to express their condolence (for instance, I would imagine the local Rabbi saying this to me was more the former) also believe that God went on not one, but two baby mass murdering sprees and then say "God is love".  That's something that I've always had difficulty reconciling, and something that seems out of place in people that are generally otherwise very nice people.  My current neighbor is LDS and very religious.  He's like the nicest guy I've ever met and I can't imagine he'd even hurt a fly.  Yet he literally believes that God sent an angel of death down to Earth to go on a baby murdering spree and is OK with it.  Applauds it, even.  Just doesn't compute to me.

 
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FreeBaGeL said:
When my father passed away from cancer a lot of religious people spoke with me.  He was a popular guy and also fairly well known in the local religious community so he had a big funeral and a lot of people offered me their condolences.

As someone that is not religious, it never bothered me when people said something like "we are praying for you".  I understood that was their way of offering their condolences and saying they were thinking about us and hoped for the best.  I appreciated that even though the concept of prayer is not something that appeals to me in the slightest.

On the flipside, yes the uncommon "God has a plan" or, even worse, the more rare "stay strong, God is testing your faith" did bother me a touch.  God is testing my faith?  First of all, I'm not a religious guy.  But more importantly, even if I was, what you're saying to me when you unpack this is that God murdered my innocent father to make sure that I would still love him afterwards?  And you think that is OK?  That is a good thing?

"God has a plan" wasn't as bad but still annoying.  To me the concept that there is a God with a plan is much more terrifying than the concept that there is no God.  The idea that there is a sentient being who is evil enough to willfully give cancer to kids and adults alike, and that being not only has the will to do these things but also the omnipotence?  Again, why is this a good thing?  My dad was a pretty good guy who was friendly and loved helping people.  Not sure why any intentional plan would include him getting sick and slowly, painfully dying.

But then again, the people that truly believe this statement and aren't just offering it as a way to express their condolence (for instance, I would imagine the local Rabbi saying this to me was more the former) also believe that God went on not one, but two baby mass murdering sprees and then have the gall to say "God is love".  That's something that I've always had difficulty reconciling, and something that seems out of place in people that are generally otherwise very nice people.  My current neighbor is LDS and very religious.  He's like the nicest guy I've ever met and I can't imagine he'd even hurt a fly.  Yet he literally believes that God sent an angel of death down to Earth to go on a baby murdering spree and is OK with it.  Applauds it, even.  Just doesn't compute to me.
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You are looking at it from your perspective. You don't believe in god. So these things are scary to you. If you are religious and do believe in god, it would be scary to you if it wasn't part of the plan. "Sorry God forgot about you" or "Sorry God doesn't care about you" would be an awful thing to say. "It is part of God's plan" isn't a bad thing at all. 

I don't believe in god, don't attend church. I know lots of people that do and if they truly believe in that stuff, you kind of have to expect they would say things like that. For a lot of them, that is the whole backbone of their belief. If something terrible happens, they can cope with it because they believe that there is an afterlife where it will all be worth it.

My sister truly believes that. She is one of the most caring people I know. If I didn't know her or thought she was a big fake, then I would probably be offended when she says some of the things she says.   

 
CurlyNight said:
OMG the religious Jesus people are THE worst. I get so frustrated with Christians who ask me how I'm doing, only to briefly listen, and then proclaim "well don't you worry, Jesus is going to heal you!" "Everything is going to be fine, Jesus will heal you!" Jesus has a plan for you, and he's going to heal you". I believe if God was going to intervene, he would have sent someone to find a cure for all cancer patients long long ago. I feel like Christians use this phrase as a means for denial, or as a default saying when they don't know what else to say. Some would say it is their means of offering hope, but I don't find hope in it.
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"God wouldn't do this if he didn't know you could handle it"

What I've been told as the parent of a special needs child.

 
Judge Smails said:
Hmmm.  Well, if you have a decent circle of family, friends, etc it's coming.  Had one of my best friends die of a brain tumor at 49.  Another with advanced prostate cancer at the same age.  Wife's good friend's husband die of colon cancer at 50.  My niece's husband is cancer free after aggressive throat cancer and multiple surgeries.  Many of our female friends are battling breast cancer.  Don't know if you were being straight or if it was schtick, but all I know is that once you hit 50 most people have lots of reasons to participate in Relay for Life events.....I personally don't know of anybody my age who hasn't been touched by it..
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Yep.  Im in my early 40's and  I've known a few people that have had to deal with cancer before, but I was never really directly affected by it because nobody that I was really close with has had it.  Then last October my wife and father were diagnosed within a week of each other.   Things move pretty fast around here.  

 
Judge Smails said:
Hmmm.  Well, if you have a decent circle of family, friends, etc it's coming.  Had one of my best friends die of a brain tumor at 49.  Another with advanced prostate cancer at the same age.  Wife's good friend's husband die of colon cancer at 50.  My niece's husband is cancer free after aggressive throat cancer and multiple surgeries.  Many of our female friends are battling breast cancer.  Don't know if you were being straight or if it was schtick, but all I know is that once you hit 50 most people have lots of reasons to participate in Relay for Life events.....I personally don't know of anybody my age who hasn't been touched by it..
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Wait...you think I've never known anybody with cancer? 

 
cstu said:
"God wouldn't do this if he didn't know you could handle it"

What I've been told as the parent of a special needs child.
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Oh yeah, I get that a lot too. God doesn't give you what you can't handle. That's nice. I know I'm handling it ok in general, but what about those many women who are not handling it well even after tx is over. In fact there is some sadness involved when a tx ends. I never would have thought of it. You get the you made it, you're done with chemo! (Yesterday was my final dose). I'm sure not going to miss chemo, but then one of your txs is over and you now wonder did it get it all, especially with a total of 3 month in delays I've had. One safety blanket is gone. There is no way to test to see how effective it was. Only time will tell. I'm due for a CT scan this month on my lung nodule and if things look basically the same after close monitoring for awhile then they stop monitoring it and you with scans until you present yourself with what could be stage IV symptoms. While many people handle what comes with having had cancer, just as many don't. So explain to me how 'you' chose this person for this test that he/she was supposed to handle?

 
Chadstroma said:
Heck, I don't know what to say in this thread let alone in real life. I am not sure saying anything is always needed. Listening goes a long way I think.
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Definitely listening is important. I know in the beginning I drove my bro and bffs mad with repeating, analyzing stuff as I learned more about my #s. And then again when the medical delays I had amounting to being 2 months late in for chemo and then at the end of being screwed with insurance, adding another month to delays... well many long wtf emails were sent. lol  Poor things but sometimes you have to vent. lol

 
parasaurolophus said:
So by ton you meant, these are things that maybe people could say to me that I would be offended by. Getting fertility treatments is a private thing. I honestly cant even imagine discussing it with four people, let alone four people that one each would say the four things you mentioned. Seriously, why would you come in this thread and make that crap up or why on earth would you be discussing it with so many people or why do you associate so much with religious folk yet complain about them when they inexplicably(sarcasm) talk about god?
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WTF.  

Given that a "ton" generally refers to 2,000, obviously I wasn't being literal.  Nonetheless, I thought the hyperbole appropriate given the multiple times my wife or I heard the above four statements.  

I also find your sense of reality of this situation lacking.  Obviously this isn't made up because, as you point out, making up such things would be rather strange.  Additionally, while fertility treatments are a private issue, obviously family and close friends will be aware of it (it's tough to hide the reason why one can't have children when, a year prior, one openly tells close friends and family that she is trying to have children).  Also, when both spouses are taking off of work multiple times per week to attend appointments employers are going to need explanations and co-workers are going to start wondering what's going on.  Given that people talk, eventually word gets out absent the spouses' control.  I find it odd that you assume that these statements are solicited or that those dealing with the fertility issues are seeking out mere acquaintances to discuss it.  Instead, for the most part the statements are unsolicited and result from people likely trying to show support and many of those people are friends of friends, co-workers, or even extended family.  

Arriving at your final question, and now that I've acknowledged that I think these people mean well, we associate with religious people because many people are religious.  Both my wife and I grew up in religious families and attended parochial schools.  To suggest that we simply not associate with them is both impractical and silly.  

That said, and agreeing that their statements may be well-intentioned:

1) A well intentioned statement by a declarant could still be both insulting and ignorant to a listener.  Here' any of these four statements above come across as offensive because it proffers a nonsensical explanation for an incredibly unfortunate situation. Now, obviously, the listener probably recognizes that the declarant means no ill will and simply smiles and nods, but that doesn't mean that the listener is irrationally offended by the statement(s).  To further understand why, consider the inverse situation.  Imagine an well-meaning atheist trying to help a religious person going through a similar situation by suggesting that, since prayer clearly is a useless endeavor and provides false hope, the listened should [insert practical stress-relieving activity here].  Naturally, a religious person is probably going to take offense.  

2) What on earth is the internet for besides porn and making complaints?  Here, Curlynight said something that, while I certainly can't understand the situation she's in, her stated sentiment/complaint regarding ignorant religious statements struck a chord and permitted me to share in the cathartic complaint by relaying my personal experience. 

 
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