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What to buy Ex Wife for her wedding (2 Viewers)

Zow said:
No kidding. 

I have a few ex girlfriends. Plenty amicable with them and no ill will. Still Facebook friends, etc. Never crossed my mind to send them anything congratulatory for their weddings, births, etc. I did send a sympathy text when one of their brothers took his own life unexpectedly, but that was about it. I'm sure if I ever happen to see them in public I'd say something nice about their kids but otherwise  I think there is zero social expectations here. Especially if it's an ex marrying the guy she cheated on you with. 
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My thoughts are more about my boys. I love them dearly and my job is to do my best in making it OK for them.  I know I am getting slagged for having no balls.  It's just an awkward situation where I was hoping for some ideas -which I got and followed.  Ex and I have come a long way. I couldn't even be near her for a long while.  However, we share custody, and need to work through parenting issues.  It just works better being civil and amicable.  I don't like what she did, it was awful and I don't excuse it either.  Again, it's about making the best life for the boys. Some of the comments about me on here, were pretty mean, but that is the Interwebz.

Thanks to those who gave reasonable responses.

 
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EYLive said:
Then asking for gift recommendations is bittch behavior. Man the F up.
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I think the assumption here is that his sons are likely invited. Would it be a #### move to send the boys without a gift?

When I see guys use the term "Man up" I can't help but wonder what you're definition of a real man is. I'm guessing it's going to be different depending on your perspective. Got wife? Got kids? Etc. 

 
Bankerguy said:
Background:

Ex had an affair about 3 years ago and is now marrying that man. We share custody of 2 amazing sons.   After the initial sting wore off, we have become amicable, but certainly not friends. 

Do I buy a gift from the boys? Do I buy a gift from me? Do I show up drunk and yell cheaters never prosper :kidding:

What is the etiquette here?
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I wouldn't buy her ####

 
Have you ever thought of why she cheated on you?

Could it possibly be because you are a "nice guy" and some women don't like "nice guys" all the time?  
 

Buying her a gift, even from your boys is still being the "nice guy".  Show up to the reception on a Harley with your younger/skinnier broad on the back.  Walk into the reception, grab the drink out of the new sap's hands, chug it down, throw it on the ground and tell him "enjoy the fat #####" and walk out.  

Your ex will be calling you up the next day telling you she made a mistake.

 
sorry you have to go through this brothran on the plus side for you she actually got married so that should save you some dineros right i know some couples that are divorced and they never marry so they can keep bleeding exes for cash which is totaly crap so anyhow that is good brother just keep being a good dad and living a good life we are all only exactly as happy as we let ourselfes be so find the good enjoy the new gal love your kids and i guess keep on taking it to the bank since you already go there a lot 

 
playin4beer said:
Have you ever thought of why she cheated on you?

Could it possibly be because you are a "nice guy" and some women don't like "nice guys" all the time?  
 

Buying her a gift, even from your boys is still being the "nice guy".  Show up to the reception on a Harley with your younger/skinnier broad on the back.  Walk into the reception, grab the drink out of the new sap's hands, chug it down, throw it on the ground and tell him "enjoy the fat #####" and walk out.  

Your ex will be calling you up the next day telling you she made a mistake.
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No, I'm sure he went through a divorce with children and never considered why she cheated on him.  Not once.  Good call.

 
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One of those picture quilts of the kids on the beach, with younger hotter girlfriend in a bikini in the background.

 
Henry Ford said:
No, I'm sure he went through a divorce with children and never considered why she cheated on him.  Not once.  Good call.
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Big fan of Friday Henry.  Friday Henry is either super gracious or caustic. Either way, its quality Henry, picked at the peak of freshness, and delivered straight to my monitor. 

 
Bankerguy said:
My thoughts are more about my boys. I love them dearly and my job is to do my best in making it OK for them.  I know I am getting slagged for having no balls.  It's just an awkward situation where I was hoping for some ideas -which I got and followed.  Ex and I have come a long way. I couldn't even be near her for a long while.  However, we share custody, and need to work through parenting issues.  It just works better being civil and amicable.  I don't like what she did, it was awful and I don't excuse it either.  Again, it's about making the best life for the boys. Some of the comments about me on here, were pretty mean, but that is the Interwebz.

Thanks to those who gave reasonable responses.
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Hey Bankerguy,

I wish I would have seen this yesterday and responded, but as someone who can relate to your situation (cheating ex-wife, 2 children, ex-wife is with the guy she cheated on me with although not married yet) I applaud you for how you are going about this.  For the guys who are saying to "man up" and to teach your kids to be men first and not door mats, I personally think they are missing the point entirely.  As you state above, this isn't about you and your ex-wife, this is about showing your kids how to handle adversity and live a healthy, happy life. 

When I talked to my kids about what happened after they asked some pointed questions, I told them 3 things:

1. Their mom cheated on me and that was a deal breaker for me
2. While at first it was the worst pain I have felt in my life, I have since moved on and forgiven their mom and have chosen to live my life happy and not hold on to this.  I don't agree with her choices would never choose that path myself, but me holding it against her forever is doing no one any favors.
3. I didn't want something that their mom did to me to impact their relationship with her.  It is important and healthy for children to have a relationship with both parents, so as a dad that is first and foremost in my mind.

I probably would have bought a present along with the kids and sent it from all of us.  I would reiterate that I don't agree with her choices, but hopefully she can be happy and healthy moving forward, especially for the kids. 

In the end, I think you are teaching your kids how to live life happy, not holding onto things that happened in the past.  If that makes less of a man, so be it.  My focus is on my kids and how to help them become successful, well adjusted happy adults.  If that means people think less of me so be it. 

Net of the conversation, I think you are looking correctly at the big picture.  Good work.

 
Skinny said:
Hey Bankerguy,

I wish I would have seen this yesterday and responded, but as someone who can relate to your situation (cheating ex-wife, 2 children, ex-wife is with the guy she cheated on me with although not married yet) I applaud you for how you are going about this.  For the guys who are saying to "man up" and to teach your kids to be men first and not door mats, I personally think they are missing the point entirely.  As you state above, this isn't about you and your ex-wife, this is about showing your kids how to handle adversity and live a healthy, happy life. 

When I talked to my kids about what happened after they asked some pointed questions, I told them 3 things:

1. Their mom cheated on me and that was a deal breaker for me
2. While at first it was the worst pain I have felt in my life, I have since moved on and forgiven their mom and have chosen to live my life happy and not hold on to this.  I don't agree with her choices would never choose that path myself, but me holding it against her forever is doing no one any favors.
3. I didn't want something that their mom did to me to impact their relationship with her.  It is important and healthy for children to have a relationship with both parents, so as a dad that is first and foremost in my mind.

I probably would have bought a present along with the kids and sent it from all of us.  I would reiterate that I don't agree with her choices, but hopefully she can be happy and healthy moving forward, especially for the kids. 

In the end, I think you are teaching your kids how to live life happy, not holding onto things that happened in the past.  If that makes less of a man, so be it.  My focus is on my kids and how to help them become successful, well adjusted happy adults.  If that means people think less of me so be it. 

Net of the conversation, I think you are looking correctly at the big picture.  Good work.
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All good points. But he didn't mention life lessons for his boys in the original post, nor the thread title.

He asked for gift recommendations.
For an ex-wife.
An Ex-wife cheated on him.
An Ex-wife that's marrying the guy that she cheated with.
An Ex-wife that didn't invite him to the wedding.
And he's asking what the etiquette is for such a scenario. WTF really?

If he had some self-worth or self-respect, a damn gift would not even enter his mind. 
If this was supposed to be a thread about teaching kids, the thread title and post were completely air-balled.

 
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Henry Ford said:
Yeah, you posted that this guy's wife cheated on him because he's too nice a guy and I'm the ####.
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He's talking about buying his cheating ex-wife a gift for her wedding... He's an EXTREMELY nice guy... Much nicer than I could ever be... 

In a round-about smart-### way, I was implying that might be why his ex cheated on him in the first place. Seems he's over it and has a new upgraded model.. Didn't think it was out of line ...

 
EYLive said:
All good points. But he didn't mention life lessons for his boys in the original post, nor the thread title.

He asked for gift recommendations.
For an ex-wife.
An Ex-wife cheated on him.
An Ex-wife that's marrying the guy that she cheated with.
An Ex-wife that didn't invite him to the wedding.
And he's asking what the etiquette is for such a scenario. WTF really?

If he had some self-worth or self-respect, a damn gift would not even enter his mind. 
If this was supposed to be a thread about teaching kids, the thread title and post were completely air-balled.
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Fair enough.  I can get behind that to some degree.  Still think he is showing his kids with his actions how they should act when they are adults, which is a positive.  Life is too short to hold on to the fact some one wronged you for the rest of your life.  Deal with it, move on.  If there were no kids in this scenario I have to believe this wouldn't even be a conversation for him.  I know it would not be in my situation.

 
EYLive said:
All good points. But he didn't mention life lessons for his boys in the original post, nor the thread title.

He asked for gift recommendations.
For an ex-wife.
An Ex-wife cheated on him.
An Ex-wife that's marrying the guy that she cheated with.
An Ex-wife that didn't invite him to the wedding.
And he's asking what the etiquette is for such a scenario. WTF really?

If he had some self-worth or self-respect, a damn gift would not even enter his mind. 
If this was supposed to be a thread about teaching kids, the thread title and post were completely air-balled.
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Why would an Ex-wife invite their ex-husband to the wedding.

 
playin4beer said:
Have you ever thought of why she cheated on you?

Could it possibly be because you are a "nice guy" 
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playin4beer said:
He's talking about buying his cheating ex-wife a gift for her wedding... He's an EXTREMELY nice guy... Much nicer than I could ever be... 

In a round-about smart-### way, I was implying that might be why his ex cheated on him in the first place. Seems he's over it and has a new upgraded model.. Didn't think it was out of line ...
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I don't think you and I have the same view of what "round-about" or "implying" mean. 

 
Henry Ford said:
I don't think you and I have the same view of what "round-about" or "implying" mean. 
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I said "could it possibly be"...  Sounds like implying to me.. But then again I'm not nearly as smart or as rich as the average FBG so I'll just go ahead and say "You're right, I'm sorry"

 
Don Quixote said:
Zow said:
whiskey7 said:
Candlesticks always make a nice gift. Maybe you could find out where she's registered and get a place setting or a silverware pattern.
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There's a joke here, right? If so what am I missing?
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From the mound visit during Bull Durham.
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Movie trivia... Robert Wuhl ad-libbed that line. He had a friend getting married and a week before the filming began, had asked his wife what to get.  That was her answer which he then used in the movie.

 
Bankerguy said:
My thoughts are more about my boys. I love them dearly and my job is to do my best in making it OK for them.  I know I am getting slagged for having no balls.  It's just an awkward situation where I was hoping for some ideas -which I got and followed.  Ex and I have come a long way. I couldn't even be near her for a long while.  However, we share custody, and need to work through parenting issues.  It just works better being civil and amicable.  I don't like what she did, it was awful and I don't excuse it either.  Again, it's about making the best life for the boys. Some of the comments about me on here, were pretty mean, but that is the Interwebz.

Thanks to those who gave reasonable responses.
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As a family law attorney, I can tell you hands down it's absolutely wonderful you guys are getting along and are amicable and, best of all, not putting the kids in the middle. 

I just don't think there are any social expectations for either you or your boys for that matter to get her a gift.  Just seems weird to me. I mean, if you know her well enough to say that she'd think of it as a nice gesture and may dissuade her from doing some bad in the future, then so be it as I'm sure the gift will be less expensive than the attorney you have to hire or consult with the next time she acts unreasonable.  But, still, it's not like you are doing something wrong here if you don't.  And, I'm assuming your kids haven't asked you to help them get her a gift (which, if they had, I would then say it is the right thing to do and make it obvious it's just from the boys). 

 
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Bankerguy said:
This is my struggle. I don't feel obligated by any means. I just feel it's an opportunity to be the bigger and better person. Shows my boys about forgiveness and being a good person. 
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Throwing money at it is not how they learn. You teach the boys by talking nice about her and her new marriage in front of them when appropriate. 

I agree with attorney above completely. 

 
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The things I may buy her if I were in your shoes:

a)  A giant picture of you and your current younger hotter woman

b)  the largest dildo you can find

c)  purchase 4 or 5 STD screens at her nearest doctor

 
[icon] said:
Not invited or attending the wedding? No gift, IMO. Maybe a card wishing them well. 

Anything else just kinda seems awkward. 
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This.  Buying her a gift doesn't look like being a bigger person.  It makes you seem, for the lack of a better term, pathetic.

 
Just let it go and bang your younger chick and be happy.

Its completely normal and understandable to be bitter but she will screw this guy over in the end, and he's asking to be screwed. By doing nothing you win in the end.

 
Help your kids pick out a gift for their mom, not a big deal and definitely something you should do for your boys.

You buying a gift for your fat ex-wife is pathetic.

Let's not make checkers chess folks

 
Bankerguy said:
No. Not attending or invited. 
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Take the high road & buy her something from you & your kids.  Dinner for two somewhere?  I'm serious, buy her something.  She will not know what to think!!!!!!!  This alone is worth it, but sometime in the future you will both need favors from each other involving the kids.  This will help.

Take the high road, dude.  Kids will appreciate it too.

 
Bankerguy said:
Trying to be classy and show my young men how to behave in adversity. 
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I admire this, and have been through this exact scenario myself. BUT. No wedding gift. I always get her a gift (from the kids) for her birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas, but that's it. But if you're saying there's free booze at the wedding... :lol:  

 
Snickers said:
Help your kids pick out a gift for their mom, not a big deal and definitely something you should do for your boys.

You buying a gift for your fat ex-wife is pathetic.

Let's not make checkers chess folks
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Needy is the word I couldn't come up with yesterday.

 
IC FBGCav said:
Needy is the word I couldn't come up with yesterday.
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This is wrong too, been bored on planes all day and this has been rattling around in my head.  The question is, why do you want to inject yourself into their day?

 
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Bankerguy said:
Background:

Ex had an affair about 3 years ago and is now marrying that man. We share custody of 2 amazing sons.   After the initial sting wore off, we have become amicable, but certainly not friends. 

Do I buy a gift from the boys? Do I buy a gift from me? Do I show up drunk and yell cheaters never prosper :kidding:

What is the etiquette here?
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i wouldn't even think of showing up.  kids, blah blah.  you gotta make a statement and put on your big boy pants.  better, respond yes and don't show so they paid for you.....

 
Do the laws in your state absolve you of all future alimony claims by her remarrying?  If so, maybe you buy her new husband a case of scotch along with a big ### thank you note.

 
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