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What's the upside of marriage for men? (1 Viewer)

offdee

offdee

Footballguy
Like...why?

And this is coming from someone who's been married (late 20's) and divorced (early 30's). 7 yr relationship living with a woman and her 3 kids (late 30's - early 40's), but smart enough not to get married. Now single (mid 40's) and just enjoying life to the fullest with disposable income, all the personal time I'd ever want, and dating multiple younger women to keep me company/entertained whenever I want that.

It's so clear to me that marriage is just an archaic and terrible idea for men to ultimately be happy and satisfied with life.

I know this topic will probably upset many and we'll get the outlier stories of "wife is my best friend", "the kids make it worth it", etc. etc. But I also know for a fact there is more of a majority that wish they never got married and want out but are miserable and stuck and just letting life play itself out. That sucks.
 
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Kal El said:
I married my wife because I like spending time together with her, and we want to raise a family, which we’re doing. It’s also a lot easier than having to go out and find someone to sleep with if that urge arises. 
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But why the need to actually get legally married to do any of that?     I do get the having kids part of it and wanting to have same last names, commitments, etc.  But ultimately the reality is having kids even furthers the demise of a relationship with your spouse and adds more layers of stress and anxiety to men where they feel trapped.

 
Are you lumping in being in an unmarried, living together bf/gf relationship as the same as marriage or are you simply looking at couples that get officially married?

 
I don't see the upside for me. 

Two of my best friends from HS are married to college sweethearts, and IMO, they have made the correct move. They have kids, and seem to be raising great little humans, and are both still in love with their wives.

They are, of course, drowned out by the army of couples I know that are in these marriages I wouldn't wish on an enemy. Shoot, just in my extended family. 

I think calling marriage a mistake, as an absolute, makes as much sense as any married person telling a single person they are making a mistake by never getting married and having kids.  

Kal El said:
I married my wife because I like spending time together with her, and we want to raise a family, which we’re doing. It’s also a lot easier than having to go out and find someone to sleep with if that urge arises. 
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Divorced men in their 40's probably have it easier than anyone to get laid these days. 

 
Kal El said:
I married my wife because I like spending time together with her, and we want to raise a family, which we’re doing. It’s also a lot easier than having to go out and find someone to sleep with if that urge arises. 
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Pretty much all this minus the raising family stuff. We enjoy traveling together.

 
eoMMan said:
Are you lumping in being in an unmarried, living together bf/gf relationship as the same as marriage or are you simply looking at couples that get officially married?
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For this discussion I'm specifically talking about getting officially married.  Making it legally binding to split if/when the relationship is no longer enjoyable.

 
My BIL has decided to just not get married.  Doing the online dating thing full time. So many of his friends lives blew up that he's just out.   I'm not jealous. But I am.  If that makes sense.  

 
offdee said:
But why the need to get legally married then?  Especially if not having kids.  Doesn't make any logical sense for a man.
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In Texas there is minimal reason to get married with a kid.  The state will come after you either way if you walk on your kid.  

They will ultimately common law you though so it's not like you can just not do it.  

 
belljr said:
HOT TAKE: guys in ####ty marriage thinks it's not worth it.   Guys in great marriage thinks it is
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Real question.....

And what percentage of married men do you think would honestly say they are in a great marriage and it's worth it?   

 
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I could write volumes. I'm aware of the concept that if it keeps happening, it's probably you. So it's probably me.

Every time I keep trying and think I'm putting in full effort. End up back in the same place. Relationships for me start out super fun and interesting. I love being in a coupled relationship. My current (third) wife and I are headed for a divorce because ex #2 and my two teenage daughters have ended up essentially in a pissing match with her and she just doesn't care about me having time or a relationship with them (that doesn't conform to her requirements). She blames me for capitulating to them. And them for being "manipulative." She's become super controlling and basically impossible to reason with since we had our child together a little over 4 years ago.  

I'd been trying to ride it out in hopes that once covid was over, she would be much more relaxed about them being here. But the goalposts keep getting moved and it's clear that unless it's on her terms, she doesn't want them here. And they can tell and don't want to be here unless she can change and be less hostile toward them. 

It's a total #### show. 

My lawyer after reviewing all of my material "Looks like you have a type."

 
offdee said:
But why the need to actually get legally married to do any of that?     I do get the having kids part of it and wanting to have same last names, commitments, etc.  But ultimately the reality is having kids even furthers the demise of a relationship with your spouse and adds more layers of stress and anxiety to men where they feel trapped.
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In my experience, our relationship is fuller with kids, and I don’t feel trapped at all. I don’t want to leave my family to go somewhere else, being alone sucks. I’m sorry you had a negative experience with your marriage, but painting all marriages in that same way is not accurate.

 
greenmountaingoat said:
I could write volumes. I'm aware of the concept that if it keeps happening, it's probably you. So it's probably me.

Every time I keep trying and think I'm putting in full effort. End up back in the same place. Relationships for me start out super fun and interesting. I love being in a coupled relationship. My current (third) wife and I are headed for a divorce because ex #2 and my two teenage daughters have ended up essentially in a pissing match with her and she just doesn't care about me having time or a relationship with them (that doesn't conform to her requirements). She blames me for capitulating to them. And them for being "manipulative." She's become super controlling and basically impossible to reason with since we had our child together a little over 4 years ago.  

I'd been trying to ride it out in hopes that once covid was over, she would be much more relaxed about them being here. But the goalposts keep getting moved and it's clear that unless it's on her terms, she doesn't want them here. And they can tell and don't want to be here unless she can change and be less hostile toward them. 

It's a total #### show. 

My lawyer after reviewing all of my material "Looks like you have a type."
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Copying and pasting from my original post..

I read something yesterday that rang so true...women will love you unconditionally until they make you undesirable to them. It's not their fault, that's just who they are.

 
Besides the obvious and some of what you guys already stated as far as actually loving your wife. I think it creates a bond that makes it more difficult to get divorced when you have children. Unless there’s violence involved you owe it to your spouse and your children to stick it through raising your children together in the same house. Above all else. If you wanna get a divorce after that I got no qualms, but while your kids are with you you need to be together with mama bear.

 
Kal El said:
In my experience, our relationship is fuller with kids, and I don’t feel trapped at all. I don’t want to leave my family to go somewhere else, being alone sucks. I’m sorry you had a negative experience with your marriage, but painting all marriages in that same way is not accurate.
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This is great to hear, seriously.   But the reality is that you are part of a very small percentage from everything I see, read, observe.    Kudos to you though, I like to hear that.

 
STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:
Besides the obvious and some of what you guys already stated as far as actually loving your wife. I think it creates a bond that makes it more difficult to get divorced when you have children. Unless there’s violence involved you owe it to your spouse and your children to stick it through raising your children together in the same house. Above all else. If you wanna get a divorce after that I got no qualms, but while your kids are with you you need to be together with mama bear.
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Stick through it at the expense of being miserable for 10-18 yrs?   Is that fair to you, your wife or your kids really?

 
offdee said:
Stick through it at the expense of being miserable for 10-18 yrs?   Is that fair to you, your wife or your kids really?
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Don’t have kids then.

Whose happiness is more important? Yours or the kids? You can look up the statistics of children in broken homes how much more likely they will be commit crime or do drugs. That’s something that you wanna take a chance on by all means. 
 

i’m with you on your initial thoughts. I just think a lot of people don’t know the right conversations to have prior to Getting married or having kids. There are so many moving parts.

 
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Our society basically pushes marriage on everyone. If you're not married by age X, then there just has to be something wrong with you. So, people who aren't really marriage material end up in failed marriages and it makes marriage seem like the problem when maybe the problem is that we've preached for so long that marriage is for everyone when maybe it's not.

 
Kal El said:
In my experience, our relationship is fuller with kids, and I don’t feel trapped at all. I don’t want to leave my family to go somewhere else, being alone sucks. I’m sorry you had a negative experience with your marriage, but painting all marriages in that same way is not accurate.
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Sadly, as wrong as it may be, that fear of being alone is often what makes people stay in unhappy marriages.

 
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offdee said:
This is great to hear, seriously.   But the reality is that you are part of a very small percentage from everything I see, read, observe.    Kudos to you though, I like to hear that.
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I’m aware that my situation is fairly rare, and I’m sad for other couples that are in rough relationships. My marriage isn’t perfect, we still argue about stuff that winds up being dumb in hindsight, and there are times where we annoy each other. At the end of the day, we’ve made a commitment to each other to be honest, work through our issues, and always support one another. It’s hard, but it’s absolutely worth it. We trust one another, and we know that we have each other’s best interests in mind.

I’m younger than several people on this board, so I lack some life experiences. However, I have seen in my life that many people who do get married, tend to do so for selfish reasons, and their relationships suffer as a result. If more men looked at marriage as a situation where they can contribute to their spouse instead of just taking from the relationship, that would certainly help the perception of how marriages are supposed to work.

 
Think it's a case by case basis. I have two good friends who are "stuck" in marriages they're not happy in. One of them cheats, the other is sticking it out for the kids and he's a child of divorce and doesn't want that to be him. 

I'm married 19 years, *pretty* happy overall. Wife is way cooler/nicer than me, we still get along well, are still attracted to each other (or at least I'm attracted to her, can't put words in her mouth) and joke around and laugh alot, with the obvious stresses of finances/kids popping up. Am I jealous of my single friends who are out playing the field and killing it? A little. But not a lot. Was out a couple of months ago with a bunch of friends, some married, a couple not, and one of the single guys drunkenly admitted he's terribly lonely most of the time (after telling us like 10 stories of his recent sexual escapades.)  So it cuts both ways I guess. 

 
dgreen said:
Our society basically pushes marriage on everyone. If you're not married by age X, then there just has to be something wrong with you. So, people who aren't really marriage material end up in failed marriages and it makes marriage seem like the problem when maybe the problem is that we've preached for so long that marriage is for everyone when maybe it's not.
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I agree with this.   I got married when I was 27 just because everyone else in our friend group was getting married and it seemed like that's just what you were supposed to do. So naive.   Luckily we didn't have any kids and realized we weren't a good fit so had an amicable divorce with no lawyers involved.

I truly believe there should be a law that both parties of a marriage need to be minimum 30 yrs old.  You can still live together and do all that married couples do before that, just can't make it legally binding until both are 30.   People just change so much in their 20's....get that life experience in first and then decide if marriage is the smart thing to do.

 
zamboni said:
Sadly, as wrong as it may be, that fear of being alone is what often makes people stay in unhappy marriages.
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I’ll freely admit that I struggled with(and to a lesser extent still do) loneliness and fear of rejection/abandonment, but with therapy and working on my faith in Jesus(No, I won’t preach at anyone, but I will say that worked for me), I am dealing more effectively with my anxiety. I don’t like being lonely, but I can do stuff by myself if my wife and kids are on a school break and I’m still in town working.

 
Kal El said:
If more men looked at marriage as a situation where they can contribute to their spouse instead of just taking from the relationship, that would certainly help the perception of how marriages are supposed to work.
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Interesting take.  I'd venture to guess that most men would say this is exactly what the WOMEN should focus on.    I think majority of guys feel like they are getting taken advantage of by the women once that ring goes on a finger.

 
jamny said:
Married almost 30 years. Obviously we didn't have to get married but I'm glad we did. It just makes things more official because of the commitment. No kids, plenty of money, travel a lot. Enjoying life. 
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Nice, glad to hear this!  You have to realize that you are an outlier though right?  Awesome for you though.

 
offdee said:
I agree with this.   I got married when I was 27 just because everyone else in our friend group was getting married and it seemed like that's just what you were supposed to do. So naive.   Luckily we didn't have any kids and realized we weren't a good fit so had an amicable divorce with no lawyers involved.

I truly believe there should be a law that both parties of a marriage need to be minimum 30 yrs old.  You can still live together and do all that married couples do before that, just can't make it legally binding until both are 30.   People just change so much in their 20's....get that life experience in first and then decide if marriage is the smart thing to do.
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I'm certainly no expert on it, but my understanding is cultures with arranged marriages have more marriage success (no idea how to measure/define that) than us. And that definitely seems counter intuitive to us. But, in those cultures, the entire families are uniting, not just the man and the woman. And the arrangement is being determined (or at least proposed) by the parents of the bride and the groom so the decision and the match are being driven by adults and not kids who are going to change (like you talk about).

 
dgreen said:
I'm certainly no expert on it, but my understanding is cultures with arranged marriages have more marriage success (no idea how to measure/define that) than us. And that definitely seems counter intuitive to us. But, in those cultures, the entire families are uniting, not just the man and the woman. And the arrangement is being determined (or at least proposed) by the parents of the bride and the groom so the decision and the match are being driven by adults and not kids who are going to change (like you talk about).
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I would assume "success" means they stay together and don't get divorced because those cultures more or less disown those who take that path.   Just because those cultures don't get divorced doesn't mean the men are happy and feel like marriage was worth it.

 
offdee said:
I agree with this.   I got married when I was 27 just because everyone else in our friend group was getting married and it seemed like that's just what you were supposed to do. So naive.   Luckily we didn't have any kids and realized we weren't a good fit so had an amicable divorce with no lawyers involved.

I truly believe there should be a law that both parties of a marriage need to be minimum 30 yrs old.  You can still live together and do all that married couples do before that, just can't make it legally binding until both are 30.   People just change so much in their 20's....get that life experience in first and then decide if marriage is the smart thing to do.
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I've been happily married for 13 years and counting, and it's fantastic. I love spending time with my wife, the institution of marriage confers on us various minor but pleasant benefits and conveniences, and ultimately I think we both also enjoy the feeling of security we get from knowing that the bond between us can't be broken without some a good deal of effort and a cooling-down period.

Of course when we got married she was 30 and I was 36, and we had both broken off previous engagements to other people that would have ended catastrophically had we not ended them when we did. So I know firsthand how easy it is to get wrong, especially earlier in life. I don't think we can make generalizations about age, and I'm sure some people get married in their early 20s or even teens and live a great life. But it's really really hard to pick a life partner when you don't know much about your life.

 
offdee said:
I would assume "success" means they stay together and don't get divorced because those cultures more or less disown those who take that path.   Just because those cultures don't get divorced doesn't mean the men are happy and feel like marriage was worth it.
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Those arranged marriages made sense when women couldn't have careers, and divorced men didn't have dating apps. 

 
offdee said:
For this discussion I'm specifically talking about getting officially married.  Making it legally binding to split if/when the relationship is no longer enjoyable.
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Since you are narrowing it down to officially married then it seems fairly simple to me - commitment and the security and other benefits that come from the commitment.  Extra intimacy, less fear.  And I agree with whoever said that there's also an element of social acceptance or historical - "that's how we do things". 

 
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