Why Do So Many Men Tolerate Having a Crappy Sex Life? (1 Viewer)

[SIDA!]

Reading the anonymous FBG confession thread and there have been some confessions related to suffering through relationships with unsatisfying sex lives and cheating.

Many men, maybe yourself, are in a relationship where your sex life is either non-existent or definitely not meeting your needs. Why do you think so many men tolerate this existence and plod along, riding out the days knowing that it will not change?

The most common response will be something along the lines of divorce/separation will equal a significant hit financially and also lead to a break up of the family/less time with kids.

I feel like in general, men do not need or want a lot from a partner to be happy. Maybe I am being very simplistic, but I often feel like as long as I am getting good sex on the regular with a weekly hummer or so, then I am pretty cool with about anything else that happens in the household (within reason). Guys can overlook a lot of things they might not otherwise like as long as the sex is good.

I think the part of this debate the infuriates me the most is that it seems like this need for a man is trivialized, mocked or denigrated in some capacity. It is almost as if when a guy expresses the importance of this need in a relationship, it is portrayed as being shallow/superficial, etc. Why is this?

Why is it that women have a laundry list of things that are of seeming paramount importance, but a man's need for good, vibrant sex life is discounted. Men in relationships with bad sex are basically told to just suck it up and deal with it. Women can hold men accountable for a litany of shortcomings, but men cannot hold women accountable for their shortcomings in this area. Well...they can...but then they are dogs, shallow, etc., if they decide to leave the relationship because their partner has let their body go and sex becomes a once a month or less "event".

For those men who are unhappy/unsatisfied with their sex life, why do you stay in the relationship?

For those men who are in a relationship (of some decent length) that currently experience a sex life that they find satisfying, why do you think it has worked out well for you?

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Kids and money.

 

[SIDA!]

Kids and money.

Let's run with this for a second. So, if a man finds himself in this position and decides to cheat and the wife divorces him, he is a scumbag who chose his "little head" over his family, right?

However, if a woman balloons up or refuses to satisfy her man in bed, no real scorn or criticism. She didn't ruin the marriage. She was just being a woman, apparently.

If a woman divorces her husband because he cheated, it is okay because she will more likely than not get custody of the kids but no real criticism for taking steps to break up the family.

 

[Angry Beavers]

Kids and money.

Let's run with this for a second. So, if a man finds himself in this position and decides to cheat and the wife divorces him, he is a scumbag who chose his "little head" over his family, right?

However, if a woman balloons up or refuses to satisfy her man in bed, no real scorn or criticism. She didn't ruin the marriage. She was just being a woman, apparently.

If a woman divorces her husband because he cheated, it is okay because she will more likely than not get custody of the kids but no real criticism for taking steps to break up the family.

That just about sums it up. All except the last part. Some states really don't care who did what with whom when as long as the kids weren't around.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

In my case we are both unhappy but the thought of splitting up and all that entails - the single biggest reason being not seeing the kids everyday, keeps us together.

There are financial reasons as well. We have a large house and would each have to downsize considerably.

There was a time where my wife would stay with me no matter what. She would rather be unhappy and miserable to stay together but I'd be down to leave except for the kid thing. She would then point the finger at me and say I left and it's all my fault.

I stay so I can kiss the kids goodnight.

 

[SIDA!]

Are you guys free to see other people? Are you allowed to have sex outside the marriage or would she divorce you if she found out you were?

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Are you guys free to see other people? Are you allowed to have sex outside the marriage or would she divorce you if she found out you were?

I made that mistake a long time ago. Compounded the problems and pretty much damaged things beyond all repair.

Technically we were separated but the wife doesn't care or acknowledge that fact. I still regret it and would discourage anyone from doing it.

 

[MC Gas Money]

Bad sex is better than no sex.

No sex is better than starving.

 

[mr roboto]

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other problems (unless there's a medical reason or old age). And that's not something most men understand very well. Women won't want sex if they feel that the relationship is not in good shape. Generally women connect emotional intimacy with physical, and if they don't respect their husbands then it's not gonna happen most likely.

Sure there are women who are depressed or over stressed or tired or other non-relational reasons but it's usually tied to their feelings about their husband and whether they respect him and feel comfortable with their personal connection.

 

[Tom Servo]

As a middle aged man, the desire is low now. I take a medicine that affects my libido and time for sex is reduced because I have 12 & 13 year old boys. I'm fine with it as sex isn't high on my priority list now. Most times, I'd rather read a book.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

How about this:

There are a whole bunch of things that can make a woman a "good/great" wife.

Most men look to find a woman with as many of these qualities as possible. But we all know that there is no such thing as the perfect woman.

In no particular order:

• Looks
• Makes money
• Good mom
• Body
• Healthy sex drive
• Good cook
• Great personality/Not a ballbuster
• Not materialistic
• Not batcrap crazy
• Doesn't blow money
• Fun to be with
• etc

I guess eventually many guys will settle for only a few of those still being true after several years of marriage.

 

[avoiding injuries]

I'd rather see my kids all of the time and put up with a lacking marriage than see them less than half of the time with the chance of being happier. Hypothetical, of course.

It's also laziness. The amount of effort needed to split seems so exhausting. My friends with kids who have divorced do not make it seem worth it.

 

[McGarnicle]

I hope soon we'll be getting some details on the 22yo niece.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Oh and what's the point? So I can end up with the same thing?

 

[SIDA!]

Tom,

I'd rather see my kids all of the time and put up with a lacking marriage than see them less than half of the time with the chance of being happier. Hypothetical, of course.

It's also laziness. The amount of effort needed to split seems so exhausting. My friends with kids who have divorced do not make it seem worth it.

So, why is it a trade-off between great sex life and having kids?

I am sure there are couples out there that have a great/active sex life and manage to make it work somehow. But, the overwhelming majority of men who are married or in a relationship seem to be trapped. They didn't consciously choose to have kids and forfeit any claim to a good sex life.

Is that the reality that all men who are not married and do not have kids need to realize...that if you want to have kids there is an 80% chance that the woman you decide to have kids with will not want to #### you anymore? But..she got you hooked...so enjoy being a dad?

 

[SIDA!]

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other problems (unless there's a medical reason or old age). And that's not something most men understand very well. Women won't want sex if they feel that the relationship is not in good shape. Generally women connect emotional intimacy with physical, and if they don't respect their husbands then it's not gonna happen most likely.

Sure there are women who are depressed or over stressed or tired or other non-relational reasons but it's usually tied to their feelings about their husband and whether they respect him and feel comfortable with their personal connection.

I understand what you are saying here, Roboto. But I am kind of tired of this female-centric perspective that gives women an out. Men may not require the same things in order to want to have sex most of the time, but they do require things to be happy in a relationship and basically, this perspective seems to be all about the man making sure he dots all the "i's" and crosses all the "t's" before the woman has any obligation to put in any work.

I am not saying that is your position...but more of an indictment on the general theme that women need the planets to align on a leap year when the NFC has won the Super Bowl before they are good to go on giving their hubby a hummer.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other problems (unless there's a medical reason or old age). And that's not something most men understand very well. Women won't want sex if they feel that the relationship is not in good shape. Generally women connect emotional intimacy with physical, and if they don't respect their husbands then it's not gonna happen most likely.

Sure there are women who are depressed or over stressed or tired or other non-relational reasons but it's usually tied to their feelings about their husband and whether they respect him and feel comfortable with their personal connection.

I understand what you are saying here, Roboto. But I am kind of tired of this female-centric perspective that gives women an out. Men may not require the same things in order to want to have sex most of the time, but they do require things to be happy in a relationship and basically, this perspective seems to be all about the man making sure he dots all the "i's" and crosses all the "t's" before the woman has any obligation to put in any work.I am not saying that is your position...but more of an indictment on the general theme that women need the planets to align on a leap year when the NFC has one the Super Bowl before they are good to go on giving their hubby a hummer.

Agree whole heartedly.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

I will say that at some point, when all the bills are minimal and the kids are older and less dependent, I'll likely find a greater incentive to go.

I won't have to hear all the passive aggressive comments that make me want to break everything in the house.

 

[mr roboto]

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other problems (unless there's a medical reason or old age). And that's not something most men understand very well. Women won't want sex if they feel that the relationship is not in good shape. Generally women connect emotional intimacy with physical, and if they don't respect their husbands then it's not gonna happen most likely.

Sure there are women who are depressed or over stressed or tired or other non-relational reasons but it's usually tied to their feelings about their husband and whether they respect him and feel comfortable with their personal connection.

I understand what you are saying here, Roboto. But I am kind of tired of this female-centric perspective that gives women an out. Men may not require the same things in order to want to have sex most of the time, but they do require things to be happy in a relationship and basically, this perspective seems to be all about the man making sure he dots all the "i's" and crosses all the "t's" before the woman has any obligation to put in any work.I am not saying that is your position...but more of an indictment on the general theme that women need the planets to align on a leap year when the NFC has won the Super Bowl before they are good to go on giving their hubby a hummer.

Oh I agree that the pendulum has swung too far regarding the 'female-centric' nature of home dynamics in this country. And at some point women need to realize that their husband would be more romantic and 'manly' if they were being taken care of more in the bedroom. It's a cycle though. Too many 35-45 year old dudes have mailed their life in and kind of check out. Too many women have become too critical of their husbands.

Here's a secret that sounds way too old fashioned but I firmly believe it - most women want strong men. Not hyper masculine d bags or cavemen or 1950s workaholics. But strong, interesting, creative leaders. Problem is most of the masculine roles in society have been replaced by technogy or the government. So many men lead passive lives.

Marriage is a partnership. Both sides bear responsibility. But saying to a disgruntled wife 'give hubby more hummers' isn't gonna work.

 

[mr roboto]

Steady my comments in general are in no way meant to refer to your situation specifically. Plenty of women are just selfish too.

 

[Dan Lambskin]

I still plow my wife pretty regularly

 

[TwinTurbo]

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other problems (unless there's a medical reason or old age). And that's not something most men understand very well. Women won't want sex if they feel that the relationship is not in good shape. Generally women connect emotional intimacy with physical, and if they don't respect their husbands then it's not gonna happen most likely.

Sure there are women who are depressed or over stressed or tired or other non-relational reasons but it's usually tied to their feelings about their husband and whether they respect him and feel comfortable with their personal connection.

I think for some married folks, it is also due to of a lack of competition. There is no incentive for them to try, so they don't. And they stop trying to be romantic and thoughtful and selfless, which makes it worse.

 

[SIDA!]

I still plow my wife pretty regularly

Not sure what regularly means for you. How often?

And since you obviously sound content with the sexual aspect of your relationship, why do you think you have been able to achieve this success (I am assuming that you are both happy sexually).

 

[jamny]

Married 20 years and although I wouldn't mind getting it a little more, when we do it's always great.

No kids and wife is in amazing shape, so that helps.

We went through a rough patch around 10 years ago where there was almost nothing for a year. Made it through that and things have been good since. That was definitely tough though. Not sure I could go through too much of that without getting something on the side.

 

[Tau837]

The answer can be pretty simple. A great relationship/marriage does not require a great sex life.

My wife and I have been together almost 25 years. She has been disabled for the last 17 years, with progressively worsening health. I would never trade her for a better sex life. It's not even a consideration.

 

[mr roboto]

^^^ Good on ya man.

Let me ask this... how many dudes do you know that have said 'Everything was great. Good mother, funny, sweet, hard worker, low drama, not a big spender. Wonderful woman, but not enough sex. That's why I left.'

Usually it's the lack of sex AND a whole host of other #### she does. Which speaks to an unhealthy relationship (or an unhealthy woman).

 

[msommer]

I think the part of this debate the infuriates me the most is that it seems like this need for a man is trivialized, mocked or denigrated in some capacity. It is almost as if when a guy expresses the importance of this need in a relationship, it is portrayed as being shallow/superficial, etc. Why is this?

You seem angry

 

[fochs13]

So for all the men that are just sticking with it because of the kids, do you plan on getting a divorce once they are out of the house?

 

[SIDA!]

I think the part of this debate the infuriates me the most is that it seems like this need for a man is trivialized, mocked or denigrated in some capacity. It is almost as if when a guy expresses the importance of this need in a relationship, it is portrayed as being shallow/superficial, etc. Why is this?

You seem angry

Thank you for your contribution to this discussion.

 

[Dan Lambskin]

I still plow my wife pretty regularly

Not sure what regularly means for you. How often? And since you obviously sound content with the sexual aspect of your relationship, why do you think you have been able to achieve this success (I am assuming that you are both happy sexually).

Couple times a week. Have 3 kids so certainly not an every day thing, but I rarely get shot down

It helps that she likes the sex

 

[SoylentGreen]

Are you guys free to see other people? Are you allowed to have sex outside the marriage or would she divorce you if she found out you were?

I made that mistake a long time ago. Compounded the problems and pretty much damaged things beyond all repair.

Technically we were separated but the wife doesn't care or acknowledge that fact. I still regret it and would discourage anyone from doing it.

I was given "permission" from my wife after about 6 years of no sex and multiple therapists to seek it elsewhere. The rules were simple - nobody in our social circle (knew us both) and don't embarrass her. I followed that, hooked up with a few people via Ashley Madison, but the wife got suspicious and checked my phone and found something incriminating (amateur, I know).

So back to therapy, permission taken away...and yet no sex at home. So I kept doing, just got smarter about it.

No surprise that eventually I told her I wanted a divorce. I didn't like living that way, but we stayed together that long for the kid and money. But at a certain point it just wasn't worth it to be miserable. As someone else pointed out it's not just about sex, there were plenty of other issues as well, but that's a pretty strong symptom of a broken relationship.

That was about 4 years ago now. While it's still expensive I have my kid half of the time, everyone is in a better place, and we're each in better relationships for us.

 

[comfortably numb]

Are you guys free to see other people? Are you allowed to have sex outside the marriage or would she divorce you if she found out you were?

I made that mistake a long time ago. Compounded the problems and pretty much damaged things beyond all repair.Technically we were separated but the wife doesn't care or acknowledge that fact. I still regret it and would discourage anyone from doing it.

I was given "permission" from my wife after about 6 years of no sex and multiple therapists to seek it elsewhere. The rules were simple - nobody in our social circle (knew us both) and don't embarrass her. I followed that, hooked up with a few people via Ashley Madison, but the wife got suspicious and checked my phone and found something incriminating (amateur, I know).



So back to therapy, permission taken away...and yet no sex at home. So I kept doing, just got smarter about it.



No surprise that eventually I told her I wanted a divorce. I didn't like living that way, but we stayed together that long for the kid and money. But at a certain point it just wasn't worth it to be miserable. As someone else pointed out it's not just about sex, there were plenty of other issues as well, but that's a pretty strong symptom of a broken relationship.



That was about 4 years ago now. While it's still expensive I have my kid half of the time, everyone is in a better place, and we're each in better relationships for us.

So her permission was just a bluff?

You followed her "rules"

 

[proninja]

How old are you, sida?

 

[msommer]

I think the part of this debate the infuriates me the most is that it seems like this need for a man is trivialized, mocked or denigrated in some capacity. It is almost as if when a guy expresses the importance of this need in a relationship, it is portrayed as being shallow/superficial, etc. Why is this?

You seem angry

Thank you for your contribution to this discussion.

Oh, you are having a discussion and not an attempt at a misogynistic support group?

Carry on, then

 

[Mr. Cross]

Because they are all married two old women past there child bearing years so they do not care about sex.

 

[Thunderlips]

It worked/works for me because:

1) I laid it out for her. If sex wasn't that important to her....then why would she hold my feet to the fire if, her not being interested, I looked elsewhere to get my nut off. I said that the attitudes of many American, married women was very hypocritical. She agreed, which let to:

2) The discussion about sex after children/family raising. To that, I said that I didn't marry her solely for her child creating/raising abilitites and I still liked to think of her as that 21 year girl that I sexually fell in love with. She agreed on that point as well.....which let to.

3) Me starting to bang her like Wesley Pipes banged chicks. Do yourself a favor. Start doing this. Lay it on her....beat that ##### up.....get scandalous up in her.....make her keep her ### in the air.....get a snarl on your face while you say "yeah....that's right....take it all". Wear shoes, a backwards hat and nothing else when engaged in coitus. Tell her if she doesn't get that leg up your going to get Shorty Mac in there to help out from the other side. Works wonders. I'm dead serious.

 

[pollardsvision]

The answer can be pretty simple. A great relationship/marriage does not require a great sex life.

My wife and I have been together almost 25 years. She has been disabled for the last 17 years, with progressively worsening health. I would never trade her for a better sex life. It's not even a consideration.

Similar situation here. I do have to say this day and age of great free porn certainly helps.

Also, even if I were inclined to cheat, I'd have a hard time being turned on by a woman terrible enough to actually sleep with me.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Steady my comments in general are in no way meant to refer to your situation specifically. Plenty of women are just selfish too.

No big deal if they were.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

I wanted to offer another perspective....

I would not say we are staying together for the kids as much as the kids keep us together.

Our girls are 8 & 10. We have school, homework , lunches to be made, friends over, school activities, ballet, tap , basketball and gymnastics.

Getting a divorce at this time would simply exacerbate an already taxing situation. We have a hard enough time keeping everything straight as it is. Now you wanna add financial stress, moving to a ####hole , all the extra driving , not seeing the kids, worrying about some psychopath dating your ex and mistreating your kids or worse. Is that dude gonna run out at 2AM when your kid wakes up with a fever and you're out of medicine?

The wife and I are actually in a pretty good place right now. We've learned to get along without fighting. It is by no means great or even good, but it's better.

At this moment in my life I choose to postpone those talks until the kids are far more independent. The only real reason for us to get a divorce is so we can date others. The kids are the priority and come first. Their wellbeing and early path into life is my happiness.

 

[UniAlias]

It worked/works for me because:

1) I laid it out for her. If sex wasn't that important to her....then why would she hold my feet to the fire if, her not being interested, I looked elsewhere to get my nut off. I said that the attitudes of many American, married women was very hypocritical. She agreed, which let to:

2) The discussion about sex after children/family raising. To that, I said that I didn't marry her solely for her child creating/raising abilitites and I still liked to think of her as that 21 year girl that I sexually fell in love with. She agreed on that point as well.....which let to.

3) Me starting to bang her like Wesley Pipes banged chicks. Do yourself a favor. Start doing this. Lay it on her....beat that ##### up.....get scandalous up in her.....make her keep her ### in the air.....get a snarl on your face while you say "yeah....that's right....take it all". Wear shoes, a backwards hat and nothing else when engaged in coitus. Tell her if she doesn't get that leg up your going to get Shorty Mac in there to help out from the other side. Works wonders. I'm dead serious.

Man, I bet Rude's sex life is off the charts.

 

[flysack]

The unpopular but real answer: sex isn't everything in life.

 

[Da Guru]

One thing that "blows" me away even with a few friends of mine is when they complain about that their wives do not give head. First of all I would never date a girl that did not give head let alone marry one.

 

[Galileo]

The answer can be pretty simple. A great relationship/marriage does not require a great sex life.

There is truth to this. My wife and I have a somewhat sporadic sex life, but we both seem content with it. We'll have sex a few times within in a couple days and then we will often go a few months without any activity. I am sure this might be described as "crappy" by many around here, but it works for us. We are busy with other aspects of life...kids, work, etc. Maybe those things contribute to a lower than normal sex drive. We love each other. We are happy. We make time for each other, but that doesn't necessarily mean sex.

 

[Jayrod]

I've been married 14 + years now. We have 2 kids, 8 & 5.

We've had a couple of rough patches where sex was scarce, but never for longer than a couple of months. On a few occasions where I've felt like she said no too often for no real reason, I got pissed and let her know about it.

I feel, like any other marital issue, it takes communication. Communication of what your expectations are and why and then listening to the response/rebuttal. Consider each other's pov and try to find a resolution. It takes work, but if a man is not getting his sexual needs met and is not communicating that clearly and finding a resolution, then he is part of the problem.

 

[popsecret]

I could never stay in a relationship that had horrible sex or very little of it. I am a bit alpha though

 

[Christo]

I could never stay in a relationship that had horrible sex or very little of it. I am a bit alpha though

Yes, you are buddy

 

[fred_1_15301]

The answer can be pretty simple. A great relationship/marriage does not require a great sex life.

There is truth to this. My wife and I have a somewhat sporadic sex life, but we both seem content with it. We'll have sex a few times within in a couple days and then we will often go a few months without any activity. I am sure this might be described as "crappy" by many around here, but it works for us. We are busy with other aspects of life...kids, work, etc. Maybe those things contribute to a lower than normal sex drive. We love each other. We are happy. We make time for each other, but that doesn't necessarily mean sex.

This is kind of where I'm at. I'm happy if we can average once a week but not upset if it's less frequent at times. I can fulfill my needs in other ways.

 

[proninja]

I could never stay in a relationship that had horrible sex or very little of it. I am a bit alpha though

lol at "a bit" alpha

 

[Ditka Butkus]

Kids and money.

Let's run with this for a second. So, if a man finds himself in this position and decides to cheat and the wife divorces him, he is a scumbag who chose his "little head" over his family, right?

However, if a woman balloons up or refuses to satisfy her man in bed, no real scorn or criticism. She didn't ruin the marriage. She was just being a woman, apparently.

If a woman divorces her husband because he cheated, it is okay because she will more likely than not get custody of the kids but no real criticism for taking steps to break up the family.

Don't forget she will lose weight and get a boob job and #### anything that moves. Pretty much the opposite of when she was with you.

 

[MikeIke]

Do yourself a favor. Start doing this. Lay it on her....beat that ##### up.....get scandalous up in her.....make her keep her ### in the air.....get a snarl on your face while you say "yeah....that's right....take it all". Wear shoes, a backwards hat and nothing else when engaged in coitus. Tell her if she doesn't get that leg up your going to get Shorty Mac in there to help out from the other side. Works wonders. I'm dead serious.

:wipestear: That was beautiful, man.