Why Do So Many Men Tolerate Having a Crappy Sex Life? (1 Viewer)

[SIDA!]

Not sure where exactly you're trying to take us SIDA, but this topic is one I've thought about, written about, and learned about a lot over the last five years. I've been with my wife 16 years, married 13 now, two kids. We were on the roommate track, sex life boring. I was not satisfied and harbored resentment. Then I turned things around. Essentially, I had gotten complacent and like Sabertooth said, lazy. Like someone else said, most men don't need much to be happy on the home front, so go with the flow. Who cares what's for dinner, we'd eat anything. Who cares what we do this weekend, we're down for anything. As a result, there's a vacuum in the leadership at home that usually gets filled by the wife, especially if there are kids. Often, the man is just another responsibility to attend to, or mouth to feed. So even if you don't care about that stuff, plotting a course and directing the family as a leader does start to set a dynamic that leads to respect, and subsequently, lays the foundation for a better love life. Start to add in other stuff like being healthy, taking care of yourself, exercising, having hobbies, and improving yourself for your own happiness often starts to rub off on how your wife starts to view you. At least this has been my experience. My own marriage and sex life is much better than it was, but it took awhile to get there and we had some bumps along the way as we were reestablishing the norm.

The comment about the vacuum of leadership really resonated with me. I think there is a lot of truth to this at first glance.

I think in my relationships, if I look back and reflect, I think I have allowed my partner to assume more of this leadership role as I got distracted with other things outside the house (like work). I think allowing your partner to assume some of that leadership in the home over household matters inevitably tends to migrate into the bedroom.

It is almost like, you possess the bedroom in the beginning of the relationship and sort of control that domain, the energy, vibe or sexual direction. But, then somehow we allow our partners to usurp this dominance and set the tone.

Kind of reminds me of this pretty funny bit from KT Tatara at the end where the woman has taken control of everything:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pirSM5IjosY

 

[Deepster]

I wanted to offer another perspective....

I would not say we are staying together for the kids as much as the kids keep us together.

Our girls are 8 & 10. We have school, homework , lunches to be made, friends over, school activities, ballet, tap , basketball and gymnastics.

Getting a divorce at this time would simply exacerbate an already taxing situation. We have a hard enough time keeping everything straight as it is. Now you wanna add financial stress, moving to a ####hole , all the extra driving , not seeing the kids, worrying about some psychopath dating your ex and mistreating your kids or worse. Is that dude gonna run out at 2AM when your kid wakes up with a fever and you're out of medicine?

The wife and I are actually in a pretty good place right now. We've learned to get along without fighting. It is by no means great or even good, but it's better.

At this moment in my life I choose to postpone those talks until the kids are far more independent. The only real reason for us to get a divorce is so we can date others. The kids are the priority and come first. Their wellbeing and early path into life is my happiness.

And I'll offer this perspective.

I have a 10 yr old girl. Gymnastics, girl scouts, band, chorus for her school and a traveling chorus for the town. Picking up lacrosse on top of that this spring.

Been divorced 6+ years now. Things were bad and getting progressively worse for 2-3 years leading up to the split. I'm in a better situation financially without her wasting money and racking up tens of thousands of credit card debt. I have 0.00 debt other than my mortgage and now have actual investments being made each month. I'm in a nicer house in a nicer town. We have a good co-parenting relationship and the custody is 50-50. I'm waaay happier and stress free in my current relationship. She was going out with a good guy for a few years. School principal with 3 kids of his own but that ended recently.

I'm happier, better off financially, stress free and enjoying every single facet of my life right now. Life is what you make of it.

 

[gussy]

Didn't read through the thread, I'll share my experience and catch up later. Got married at 18 (mistake), great girl, athletic, had a great life, lots of activities, lots of friends. She weighed 125lbs when we got married. Sex life was never spectacular, but it was frequent enough and I was relatively happy. At age 24/25 we had our first son. My wife balooned up to nearly 200lbs. After having the kid she didn't give a crap about even TRYING to get back in shape. Sex became primarily non-existant. Sweatpants became her primary wardrobe. We quit going out, not because I wanted to, but because we were supposed to be "mature" now. If I golfed with the boys on the weekend it was a war. If I went and played pickup hoop during the week, same thing. 3 years later she got pregnant again, balooned to 225 and kept that on. I was miserable. Late 20's had other rando's, mostly younger, showing interest, being the flirtatious whores that they are, lol and it became increasingly difficult for me to stay faithful. Moved out of state, met a girl, cheated on my wife at 30. Would NOT recommend. However, having amazing sex for the first time in forever made me even more miserable. Stayed together for 7 years more, she found out, kicked me out, got divorced, REMARRIED a GREAT girl, a nurse, who is amazing in the sack and an AMAZING wife. Got custody of both of my sons, one, a year after we got divorced, the youngest, when he turned 15. It certainly hasn't been "happily ever after", we have 2 in college and 2 teens still at home, so the normal "teen" issues have been there, along with the "step" issues. But it's certainly HAPPIER. Mid-40's, have sex 2-3 times a week, and it's actually GOOD sex most of the time. Ex wife was stay at home mom who was defined by her "being a mom". Now I have a wife who actually has a CAREER, AND is a great mom, and an awesome wife. I really questioned whether I could ever stay happy and attracted to the same girl, and it's been almost 8 years that we're together and I'm still incredibly happy. Why did I stay...................................the kids of course. The money didn't mean much to me. We were doing relatively well financially and there was no amount of money that would have made me stay if it wasn't for the kids. The other thing with me was my father left when I was 2 and never had anything to do with me and I had guilty conscience about being "that" dad. I knew I'd never just quit being part of my kids life, but the hatred for my real father kept me there way longer than I should have stayed. Also, all of my buddies #####ed non stop about their wives and I just assumed everybody was miserable. I say that had I KNOWN I could have found someone else and been happier, I would have left way earlier. But the dad thing would have kept me there. My ex kicked ME out and I guess in someway it made it feel like it was OK. As soon as she did she wanted to start marriage counseling, but I was done. Now I'm very happy. We're going to Mexico Sunday for 9 days just the two of us and I cannot wait. She let's me be me. I drink more than I should, I gamble more than I should, I play fantasy sports, I golf more than I should and she puts up with it. LUCKY.

 

[Tom Servo]

The unpopular but real answer: sex isn't everything in life.

This.

That's extremely easy to say when you've been married for a long time. If for whatever reason you found yourself single and found a new chick, I'd bet large money that you'd be banging like you did when you were a teenager. You'd say sex is a super fun and important part of life.

As we get older and more familiar with our wives, sex can lose the wow factor and we get lazy. For those of you who've basically put your sex lives aside, I really think you need to step back and think what's going to be a fonder memory when you're 70, reading that book, or having that really close and intimate feeling that you can really only get when you're having sex with someone you deeply care about.

Eat healthy, move, lose some weight, start caring about yourself and I bet your sex drive will start kicking in again.

Some of us don't live in the pursuit of getting laid. When it happens, I love it. If it doesn't...eh. If giving up sexy time to help my wife deal with something in her life, to discuss things that matter between us and getting to know each other better, then I'll do it.

PRO TIP: Intimacy ends in the bedroom; it doesn't start there.

I'm going to a funeral today for a guy from church I admired. Were I to bring him back and asked him about what he enjoyed about life, I very seriously doubt that sex would crack the top 5 of things from his 81 year life that mattered to him. He would talk about loving the Lord, serving at the church, loving his wife and helping to raise their 4 boys, and tractors.

So, no, I don't buy your premise...at all.

Really? You don't think a healthy sex life with his wife enhanced the loving part?

Why are erectile dysfunction drugs so popular that we see endless commercials for them? Because sex isn't an important part of life?

You may not buy my premise, but you spend the evening reading your book, I'll spend the evening being intimate with the most important person in the world to me, and we'll see who feels more happy, alive, and content at the end of the night.

No, I don't. The couples that I've seen that are the most in love with each other have a closeness has little to do with sex and is more about knowing each other down to your soul. As G. Gordon Liddy once observed, "You gotta do something when you're not in bed." Life is not 24/7 busting your nut. As I referenced before, if you're not connecting in the kitchen, you're sure as heck not going to connect in the bedroom. Anybody can have a sex buddy - heck, it's talked about all the time here - but are you *really* being intimate with her? No.

ED drugs are sold to middle aged men who want to have sex like a 20 year old. Granted, some may have legitimate issues with performance, but let's be real here; most men pop the little blue pill because ED drugs are having their 15 minutes right now and it's the hip thing to do.

When I asked my wife to marry me, I told her "I have only two things worth sharing; my name and my life." If I'm not sharing my life with her - crying, laughing, sharing, experiencing life together - then all the sex in the world won't mean a damn thing...and I'll have failed as a husband.

 

[glock]

The unpopular but real answer: sex isn't everything in life.

This.

That's extremely easy to say when you've been married for a long time. If for whatever reason you found yourself single and found a new chick, I'd bet large money that you'd be banging like you did when you were a teenager. You'd say sex is a super fun and important part of life.

As we get older and more familiar with our wives, sex can lose the wow factor and we get lazy. For those of you who've basically put your sex lives aside, I really think you need to step back and think what's going to be a fonder memory when you're 70, reading that book, or having that really close and intimate feeling that you can really only get when you're having sex with someone you deeply care about.

Eat healthy, move, lose some weight, start caring about yourself and I bet your sex drive will start kicking in again.

Some of us don't live in the pursuit of getting laid. When it happens, I love it. If it doesn't...eh. If giving up sexy time to help my wife deal with something in her life, to discuss things that matter between us and getting to know each other better, then I'll do it.

PRO TIP: Intimacy ends in the bedroom; it doesn't start there.

I'm going to a funeral today for a guy from church I admired. Were I to bring him back and asked him about what he enjoyed about life, I very seriously doubt that sex would crack the top 5 of things from his 81 year life that mattered to him. He would talk about loving the Lord, serving at the church, loving his wife and helping to raise their 4 boys, and tractors.

So, no, I don't buy your premise...at all.

Really? You don't think a healthy sex life with his wife enhanced the loving part?

Why are erectile dysfunction drugs so popular that we see endless commercials for them? Because sex isn't an important part of life?

You may not buy my premise, but you spend the evening reading your book, I'll spend the evening being intimate with the most important person in the world to me, and we'll see who feels more happy, alive, and content at the end of the night.

No, I don't. The couples that I've seen that are the most in love with each other have a closeness has little to do with sex and is more about knowing each other down to your soul. As G. Gordon Liddy once observed, "You gotta do something when you're not in bed." Life is not 24/7 busting your nut. As I referenced before, if you're not connecting in the kitchen, you're sure as heck not going to connect in the bedroom. Anybody can have a sex buddy - heck, it's talked about all the time here - but are you *really* being intimate with her? No.

ED drugs are sold to middle aged men who want to have sex like a 20 year old. Granted, some may have legitimate issues with performance, but let's be real here; most men pop the little blue pill because ED drugs are having their 15 minutes right now and it's the hip thing to do.

When I asked my wife to marry me, I told her "I have only two things worth sharing; my name and my life." If I'm not sharing my life with her - crying, laughing, sharing, experiencing life together - then all the sex in the world won't mean a damn thing...and I'll have failed as a husband.

 

[James Daulton]

No, I don't. The couples that I've seen that are the most in love with each other have a closeness has little to do with sex and is more about knowing each other down to your soul. As G. Gordon Liddy once observed, "You gotta do something when you're not in bed." Life is not 24/7 busting your nut. As I referenced before, if you're not connecting in the kitchen, you're sure as heck not going to connect in the bedroom. Anybody can have a sex buddy - heck, it's talked about all the time here - but are you *really* being intimate with her? No.

ED drugs are sold to middle aged men who want to have sex like a 20 year old. Granted, some may have legitimate issues with performance, but let's be real here; most men pop the little blue pill because ED drugs are having their 15 minutes right now and it's the hip thing to do.

When I asked my wife to marry me, I told her "I have only two things worth sharing; my name and my life." If I'm not sharing my life with her - crying, laughing, sharing, experiencing life together - then all the sex in the world won't mean a damn thing...and I'll have failed as a husband.

I have all you noted above and a terrific sex life with my wife of 25 years. Enjoy your book.

 

[fantasycurse42]

This prob isn't a one size fits all equation. Some men/women have a higher sex drive than others. Just like some people are taller/shorter, introvert/extrovert, etc. etc... We are all individuals. Personally I wouldn't be happy not shagging with the wife on a regular basis, but that doesn't make it the correct answer.

Tom Servo might be happier reading a book and James Daulton might be miserable doing that.

This really comes down to the individual.

 

[TobiasFunke]

No, I don't. The couples that I've seen that are the most in love with each other have a closeness has little to do with sex and is more about knowing each other down to your soul. As G. Gordon Liddy once observed, "You gotta do something when you're not in bed." Life is not 24/7 busting your nut. As I referenced before, if you're not connecting in the kitchen, you're sure as heck not going to connect in the bedroom. Anybody can have a sex buddy - heck, it's talked about all the time here - but are you *really* being intimate with her? No.

ED drugs are sold to middle aged men who want to have sex like a 20 year old. Granted, some may have legitimate issues with performance, but let's be real here; most men pop the little blue pill because ED drugs are having their 15 minutes right now and it's the hip thing to do.

When I asked my wife to marry me, I told her "I have only two things worth sharing; my name and my life." If I'm not sharing my life with her - crying, laughing, sharing, experiencing life together - then all the sex in the world won't mean a damn thing...and I'll have failed as a husband.

I have all you noted above and a terrific sex life with my wife of 25 years. Enjoy your book.

It's odd that your healthy and fulfilling marriage hasn't filled whatever it is that is driving your apparent need to sit in judgment of the choices and perspectives of other people.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

I wanted to offer another perspective....

I would not say we are staying together for the kids as much as the kids keep us together.

Our girls are 8 & 10. We have school, homework , lunches to be made, friends over, school activities, ballet, tap , basketball and gymnastics.

Getting a divorce at this time would simply exacerbate an already taxing situation. We have a hard enough time keeping everything straight as it is. Now you wanna add financial stress, moving to a ####hole , all the extra driving , not seeing the kids, worrying about some psychopath dating your ex and mistreating your kids or worse. Is that dude gonna run out at 2AM when your kid wakes up with a fever and you're out of medicine?

The wife and I are actually in a pretty good place right now. We've learned to get along without fighting. It is by no means great or even good, but it's better.

At this moment in my life I choose to postpone those talks until the kids are far more independent. The only real reason for us to get a divorce is so we can date others. The kids are the priority and come first. Their wellbeing and early path into life is my happiness.

And I'll offer this perspective.

I have a 10 yr old girl. Gymnastics, girl scouts, band, chorus for her school and a traveling chorus for the town. Picking up lacrosse on top of that this spring.

Been divorced 6+ years now. Things were bad and getting progressively worse for 2-3 years leading up to the split. I'm in a better situation financially without her wasting money and racking up tens of thousands of credit card debt. I have 0.00 debt other than my mortgage and now have actual investments being made each month. I'm in a nicer house in a nicer town. We have a good co-parenting relationship and the custody is 50-50. I'm waaay happier and stress free in my current relationship. She was going out with good guy. School principal with 3 kids of his own but that ended recently.

I'm happier, better off financially, stress free and enjoying every single facet of my life right now. Life is what you make of it.

I'm certainly happy that you've found happiness.

However , your situation <> my situation.

 

[James Daulton]

This prob isn't a one size fits all equation. Some men/women have a higher sex drive than others. Just like some people are taller/shorter, introvert/extrovert, etc. etc... We are all individuals. Personally I wouldn't be happy not shagging with the wife on a regular basis, but that doesn't make it the correct answer.

Tom Servo might be happier reading a book and James Daulton might be miserable doing that.

This really comes down to the individual.

I don't disagree, I was just responding to TS prior post about sex really not being all that important in life or a relationship.

 

[James Daulton]

No, I don't. The couples that I've seen that are the most in love with each other have a closeness has little to do with sex and is more about knowing each other down to your soul. As G. Gordon Liddy once observed, "You gotta do something when you're not in bed." Life is not 24/7 busting your nut. As I referenced before, if you're not connecting in the kitchen, you're sure as heck not going to connect in the bedroom. Anybody can have a sex buddy - heck, it's talked about all the time here - but are you *really* being intimate with her? No.

ED drugs are sold to middle aged men who want to have sex like a 20 year old. Granted, some may have legitimate issues with performance, but let's be real here; most men pop the little blue pill because ED drugs are having their 15 minutes right now and it's the hip thing to do.

When I asked my wife to marry me, I told her "I have only two things worth sharing; my name and my life." If I'm not sharing my life with her - crying, laughing, sharing, experiencing life together - then all the sex in the world won't mean a damn thing...and I'll have failed as a husband.

I have all you noted above and a terrific sex life with my wife of 25 years. Enjoy your book.

It's odd that your healthy and fulfilling marriage hasn't filled whatever it is that is driving your apparent need to sit in judgment of the choices and perspectives of other people.

I'm not judging, I just think that, as the OP noted, that many guys just give up on sex and other youthful activities as we get older. I'm just trying to give a perspective that you can have a great marriage, friends, job, everything, with a happy sex life. It just takes some work.

 

[Pipes]

This is why my wife and I are committed to not letting the kids run the household. They are our priority from 7am-8pm. Then bedtime, then our time. 2 hours every night.

The kids (6 and 4) know that mom and dad go on dates. That we have conversations over coffee together on a weekend morning and the kids need to go play somewhere else. That they are in bed by 8 and are not to wake us before 6:30.

Too many families revolve around the kids. Again, kids are the priority FOR THE TIME BEING. But they aren't the most important aspect of the family. They should be nurtured and raised to respect and admire the relationship mom and dad have.

Your kids are at a good age. We have a 13 and 15 year old at home that we just can't send to bed. Finding alone time is challenging but usually every couple of weeks or so both kids are out of the house or we'll have a little morning action on the weekend before they are up. The wife and I average about 2x per month...not great but being in my mid 40's not horrible.

 

[SIDA!]

This is why my wife and I are committed to not letting the kids run the household. They are our priority from 7am-8pm. Then bedtime, then our time. 2 hours every night.

The kids (6 and 4) know that mom and dad go on dates. That we have conversations over coffee together on a weekend morning and the kids need to go play somewhere else. That they are in bed by 8 and are not to wake us before 6:30.

Too many families revolve around the kids. Again, kids are the priority FOR THE TIME BEING. But they aren't the most important aspect of the family. They should be nurtured and raised to respect and admire the relationship mom and dad have.

Your kids are at a good age. We have a 13 and 15 year old at home that we just can't send to bed. Finding alone time is challenging but usually every couple of weeks or so both kids are out of the house or we'll have a little morning action on the weekend before they are up. The wife and I average about 2x per month...not great but being in my mid 40's not horrible.

Please see bolded. Why is that?

 

[TobiasFunke]

I have all you noted above and a terrific sex life with my wife of 25 years. Enjoy your book.

It's odd that your healthy and fulfilling marriage hasn't filled whatever it is that is driving your apparent need to sit in judgment of the choices and perspectives of other people.

I'm not judging, I just think that, as the OP noted, that many guys just give up on sex and other youthful activities as we get older. I'm just trying to give a perspective that you can have a great marriage, friends, job, everything, with a happy sex life. It just takes some work.

This doesn't strike you as a bit judgmental?

You may not buy my premise, but you spend the evening reading your book, I'll spend the evening being intimate with the most important person in the world to me, and we'll see who feels more happy, alive, and content at the end of the night.

You've repeated this or some variation of it several times, and it's clearly a judgment of people who make different choices than you or have different priorities.

It also seems based on the flawed premise that these are the only two choices once you get into bed- sex or reading- and that sex is what you're remember when you're old and look back on your marriage. My wife and I fool around once a week, maybe twice if she got a nap or there's a hot intern at my office or something, and maybe less if things are busy or one of us isn't feeling 100%. But I'm not gonna remember any of our sex when I'm old. I'm also not gonna remember reading a book. I'm gonna remember getting in bed with her and sharing stories of all the hilarious things our kids did that day, or dreaming on our next home, or chatting about current events or the TV show we just watched or whatever. We don't need to get intimacy from something we both did probably thousands of times with many other people before we met, we get intimacy from sharing our lives in a way neither of us have done with anyone else. As long as we're getting enough sex to feel physically close and to not be tempted to wander, that's all we need.

You look at it differently, which is cool. It's awesome that it works for you. But there's more than one path to happiness

 

[mr roboto]

This is why my wife and I are committed to not letting the kids run the household. They are our priority from 7am-8pm. Then bedtime, then our time. 2 hours every night.

The kids (6 and 4) know that mom and dad go on dates. That we have conversations over coffee together on a weekend morning and the kids need to go play somewhere else. That they are in bed by 8 and are not to wake us before 6:30.

Too many families revolve around the kids. Again, kids are the priority FOR THE TIME BEING. But they aren't the most important aspect of the family. They should be nurtured and raised to respect and admire the relationship mom and dad have.

Your kids are at a good age. We have a 13 and 15 year old at home that we just can't send to bed. Finding alone time is challenging but usually every couple of weeks or so both kids are out of the house or we'll have a little morning action on the weekend before they are up. The wife and I average about 2x per month...not great but being in my mid 40's not horrible.

Yeah our kids are nice age now but I know plenty of people who have early gradeschool kids who never get alone time because they're not willing to put a schedule on the children or set expectations that the kids can't simply walk into mom and dads room unannounced or interrupt conversations. I know people with kids our age who don't put the kids to bed till 930 or 10 PM and wonder why the parents are so tired and never have any alone time.I'm sure teenagers are different because you can set up a time that early but at the same time they will be out of the house more often playing sports doing sleepovers that kind of thing so I can imagine that you would have less time without the kids around when they got to be teenagers.

Hell, I was outside playing whenever humanly possible at age 14 or 15. Maybe kids are more homebodies now or more into television and electronics at home but if I didn't have to be in the house is a teenager I certainly was somewhere else.

 

[culdeus]

How is the answer not porn and money. 50/50 split.

 

[SWC]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

 

[popsecret]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

LOL that is crazy to me.

 

[SWC]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

LOL that is crazy to me.

well fine brohan substitute eminence for wife then it will make sense take that to the bank

 

[mr roboto]

luv you SWC.

 

[jamny]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

LOL that is crazy to me.

why?

There's nothing I look forward to more than seeing my wife at the end of the day, especially on a Friday when I know we'll have the whole weekend to hang out.

Sex is just a nice added bonus.

 

[Ditka Butkus]

Did G. Gordon Liddy actually say; Life is not 24/7 busting your nut.

 

[Bucky86]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

LOL that is crazy to me.

why?There's nothing I look forward to more than seeing my wife at the end of the day, especially on a Friday when I know we'll have the whole weekend to hang out.

Sex is just a nice added bonus.

Leave him be. Em/pop is just sexually frustrated and thinks women owe him the sechs.

 

[tommyboy]

Reading the anonymous FBG confession thread and there have been some confessions related to suffering through relationships with unsatisfying sex lives and cheating.

Many men, maybe yourself, are in a relationship where your sex life is either non-existent or definitely not meeting your needs. Why do you think so many men tolerate this existence and plod along, riding out the days knowing that it will not change?

The most common response will be something along the lines of divorce/separation will equal a significant hit financially and also lead to a break up of the family/less time with kids.

I feel like in general, men do not need or want a lot from a partner to be happy. Maybe I am being very simplistic, but I often feel like as long as I am getting good sex on the regular with a weekly hummer or so, then I am pretty cool with about anything else that happens in the household (within reason). Guys can overlook a lot of things they might not otherwise like as long as the sex is good.

I think the part of this debate the infuriates me the most is that it seems like this need for a man is trivialized, mocked or denigrated in some capacity. It is almost as if when a guy expresses the importance of this need in a relationship, it is portrayed as being shallow/superficial, etc. Why is this?

Why is it that women have a laundry list of things that are of seeming paramount importance, but a man's need for good, vibrant sex life is discounted. Men in relationships with bad sex are basically told to just suck it up and deal with it. Women can hold men accountable for a litany of shortcomings, but men cannot hold women accountable for their shortcomings in this area. Well...they can...but then they are dogs, shallow, etc., if they decide to leave the relationship because their partner has let their body go and sex becomes a once a month or less "event".

For those men who are unhappy/unsatisfied with their sex life, why do you stay in the relationship?

For those men who are in a relationship (of some decent length) that currently experience a sex life that they find satisfying, why do you think it has worked out well for you?

I'm lucky, I have a good wife and good sex life. but my brother in law who is pretty much my best friend is, in the situation you described above.

in his case the sex thing is because he doesn't trust his wife to not get pregnant again after 5 kids, 2 of which supposedly she was "on the pill" and were surprises. Beyond that she's basically a crazy ##### and he's constantly having to do deal with her bs so you can imagine his sexual attraction to her has dropped off the charts. I don't think his main problem is sex life, his main problem and what drives him to stay in the relationship is his children, the cost of divorce, the stigma of divorce, the mess it creates, the problems with access to children. You're talking a major,major life disruption to someone that highly values the idea of "family". that's why he stays and puts up with it, imo.

 

[SIDA!]

Tommy, sounds like an insufferable situation.

Assume for a second he was to find sexual release with a woman outside the marriage and his wife found out. Would it lead to a divorce?

I know I am not making any profound statements here, but basically:

1. Man meets woman and sex is great.

2. Man gets married, has kids and sex disappears.

3. Man can't leave because society basically punishes the #### out of men with financial support obligations and part-time custody situations.

It is tough to read some of these stories and not get cynical about women. Is it all really just a trap to lock men down?

For those of you in relationships with unsatisfying sex lives, do you basically believe your partner hoodwinked you and played you the entire time to get her house, family and kids? Or do you think something "just happened" along the way and now you find yourself in this crappy place?

It basically sounds like you can take a sample set of married/divorced men and get the following:

A. Sex was great or decent in the beginning and then just went off the rails. No I am stuck.

B. Sex is great and I just got lucky with no real explanation as to how they found a relationship where they could actually have a satisfying sex life.

 

[popsecret]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

LOL that is crazy to me.

why?

There's nothing I look forward to more than seeing my wife at the end of the day, especially on a Friday when I know we'll have the whole weekend to hang out.

Sex is just a nice added bonus.

As long as you are having sex during that weekend that is fine.

If you aren't having sex with your girl then you might as well just call each other only friends, and see other people sexually

 

[snellman]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

LOL that is crazy to me.

why?

There's nothing I look forward to more than seeing my wife at the end of the day, especially on a Friday when I know we'll have the whole weekend to hang out.

Sex is just a nice added bonus.

As long as you are having sex during that weekend that is fine.

If you aren't having sex with your girl then you might as well just call each other only friends, and see other people sexually

You obviously don't get it.

Marriage is about a lot more than sex. Yes, when you are younger sex is everything and that is all you think about. As you get older, your priorities start to change. Sex is no longer on the top of the list.

I am not sure when I hit that point, but it is not a must have thing anymore. It is a nice added benefit, but if we go a couple weeks without, it is not a big thing. Sleeping next to her every night and watching her wake up in the morning and seeing her when I come home is a lot more important.

 

[tdoss]

I think it's a similar phenomenon of why a woman will stay in an abusive relationship.

However, most don't realize that there are different levels of abuse and even refusal of sex can be considered abusive in many cases, especially if it's continual.

I don't see any fix for it though. It's a woman's right to refuse...and not too many people take up men's rights as any sort of cause to champion so I fear there is no solution.

Most will continue to blame the men...they should be more romantic or do more to put their woman in the mood or simply stop putting so much emphasis on sex. But it's an unfair charge because the guy is doing all the same things that worked before "I Do" and now the rules have changed or even if he does step up his game it's still all within her and how she feels about herself.

Honestly I think women need some sort of course that drives home how life really changes after kids. They rush head long into marriage and can't wait to have kids...only to then feel they've been handed a raw deal. They find its not as fun as advertised. You have to work even harder cause you need more money and do that while taking care of a child. Stress mounts and their bodies change because of the physical and emotional trauma of pregnancy and childbirth. At the end of the day they just don't feel like having sex. Sleep tends to increase in value as you get older. Then their hormones are constantly in flux...While men are just sitting there wondering what the hell happened?

I don't know what's the answer. I guess if a man wants steady sex...then don't get married. If you do get married...then do NOT have kids. If you can't avoid both of those scenarios or were convinced they wouldn't change anything...then deal with the sexual drought in whatever way you can.

It's a rare case where those two things helped increase the quantity of sex they're having...

 

[tdoss]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

LOL that is crazy to me.

why?There's nothing I look forward to more than seeing my wife at the end of the day, especially on a Friday when I know we'll have the whole weekend to hang out.

Sex is just a nice added bonus.

As long as you are having sex during that weekend that is fine.If you aren't having sex with your girl then you might as well just call each other only friends, and see other people sexually

You obviously don't get it.

Marriage is about a lot more than sex. Yes, when you are younger sex is everything and that is all you think about. As you get older, your priorities start to change. Sex is no longer on the top of the list.

I am not sure when I hit that point, but it is not a must have thing anymore. It is a nice added benefit, but if we go a couple weeks without, it is not a big thing. Sleeping next to her every night and watching her wake up in the morning and seeing her when I come home is a lot more important.

Sounds like you've made it to the mountaintop. How old are you? How long have you been married?

 

[James Daulton]

For those of you itt saying how unimportant sex is as you get older, do you still hook yourselves up?

 

[tommyboy]

Tommy, sounds like an insufferable situation.

Assume for a second he was to find sexual release with a woman outside the marriage and his wife found out. Would it lead to a divorce?

I know I am not making any profound statements here, but basically:

1. Man meets woman and sex is great.

2. Man gets married, has kids and sex disappears.

3. Man can't leave because society basically punishes the #### out of men with financial support obligations and part-time custody situations.

It is tough to read some of these stories and not get cynical about women. Is it all really just a trap to lock men down?

For those of you in relationships with unsatisfying sex lives, do you basically believe your partner hoodwinked you and played you the entire time to get her house, family and kids? Or do you think something "just happened" along the way and now you find yourself in this crappy place?

It basically sounds like you can take a sample set of married/divorced men and get the following:

A. Sex was great or decent in the beginning and then just went off the rails. No I am stuck.

B. Sex is great and I just got lucky with no real explanation as to how they found a relationship where they could actually have a satisfying sex life.

knowing what I know now, if I had any words of wisdom for young men I would tell them to never get married or have children unless there's some way you can legally (prenup?) balance the power in the case of a divorce. The current divorce laws are extremely anti- male. Beyond that, be very wise whom you choose to marry, find someone who's got good strong character first and foremost. Avoid women that are really into "appearances" have strong jealous tendencies and love to shop/spend money. Those kind of women you let the other guy have, even is she has a magic ##### and is an offdee 10.

 

[Tau837]

If you aren't having sex with your girl then you might as well just call each other only friends, and see other people sexually

Could not disagree more.

 

[Insein]

I wish I was at the point that sex didn't matter. Would make life a lot easier.

 

[popsecret]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

LOL that is crazy to me.

why?

There's nothing I look forward to more than seeing my wife at the end of the day, especially on a Friday when I know we'll have the whole weekend to hang out.

Sex is just a nice added bonus.

As long as you are having sex during that weekend that is fine.

If you aren't having sex with your girl then you might as well just call each other only friends, and see other people sexually

You obviously don't get it.

Marriage is about a lot more than sex. Yes, when you are younger sex is everything and that is all you think about. As you get older, your priorities start to change. Sex is no longer on the top of the list.

I am not sure when I hit that point, but it is not a must have thing anymore. It is a nice added benefit, but if we go a couple weeks without, it is not a big thing. Sleeping next to her every night and watching her wake up in the morning and seeing her when I come home is a lot more important.

When you get older you die? That won't happen to me, yes other things are important but sex will always be a must, and the fact you both are okay with not having sex for weeks at a time shows you both got a little lazy IMO. If you can make the other person crave sex years after you are married that is how you really know your marriage is doing amazing.

The other stuff is beta thinking that the lifetime channel spews

 

[Insein]

Popsecret = everything Em wishes he could say to people but wouldn't want associated with his name.

 

[Mr. Know-It-All]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

LOL that is crazy to me.

why?

There's nothing I look forward to more than seeing my wife at the end of the day, especially on a Friday when I know we'll have the whole weekend to hang out.

Sex is just a nice added bonus.

As long as you are having sex during that weekend that is fine.

If you aren't having sex with your girl then you might as well just call each other only friends, and see other people sexually

You obviously don't get it.

Marriage is about a lot more than sex. Yes, when you are younger sex is everything and that is all you think about. As you get older, your priorities start to change. Sex is no longer on the top of the list.

I am not sure when I hit that point, but it is not a must have thing anymore. It is a nice added benefit, but if we go a couple weeks without, it is not a big thing. Sleeping next to her every night and watching her wake up in the morning and seeing her when I come home is a lot more important.

When you get older you die? That won't happen to me, yes other things are important but sex will always be a must, and the fact you both are okay with not having sex for weeks at a time shows you both got a little lazy IMO. If you can make the other person crave sex years after you are married that is how you really know your marriage is doing amazing.

The other stuff is beta thinking that the lifetime channel spews

Ah, how I remember when I was young and knew everything, but as I got older discovered how much I didn't know.

 

[snellman]

i think for some guys sex is the be all end all of it but for me and i have been married a long long time what matters is that the best part of my morning is seeing my wife before i grab a cup of joe and head out the door to work and then when i see here again when we both get home at the end of the day all that i really need is to be in our life together and that does not depend on what we are doing in the dark if you catch my drift i think when you find someone that just seeing and hearing there voice picks you up and makes all of teh crap in life melt away well then you are the top of the mountain take that to the bank brohans

LOL that is crazy to me.

why?There's nothing I look forward to more than seeing my wife at the end of the day, especially on a Friday when I know we'll have the whole weekend to hang out.

Sex is just a nice added bonus.

As long as you are having sex during that weekend that is fine.If you aren't having sex with your girl then you might as well just call each other only friends, and see other people sexually

You obviously don't get it.

Marriage is about a lot more than sex. Yes, when you are younger sex is everything and that is all you think about. As you get older, your priorities start to change. Sex is no longer on the top of the list.

I am not sure when I hit that point, but it is not a must have thing anymore. It is a nice added benefit, but if we go a couple weeks without, it is not a big thing. Sleeping next to her every night and watching her wake up in the morning and seeing her when I come home is a lot more important.

Sounds like you've made it to the mountaintop. How old are you? How long have you been married?

Mid 40s, been married to my current wife for 8 years. Second marriage for both of us. 5 children between the 2 of us, only 2 are left at home, others are on their own or at college.

Don't get me wrong, still get turned on watching her get out of the shower or get dressed, it's just that sex is no longer a "must have or I am going to go ballistic" it is a nice bonus.

 

[sublimeone]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

 

[Ditka Butkus]

I wish I was at the point that sex didn't matter. Would make life a lot easier.

Hey honey would you like to have sex...No thanks dear I'm good. Just popped a beer and Cool Hand Luke is on.

 

[SIDA!]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I don't think men started complaining about lack of sex in their marriage after internet porn was invented. Kind of been an ongoing thing, no?

 

[SIDA!]

I wish I was at the point that sex didn't matter. Would make life a lot easier.

Hey honey would you like to have sex...No thanks dear I'm good. Just popped a beer and Cool Hand Luke is on.

Some guys heads, both of them, would explode if their partner asked them if they wanted to have sex.

 

[sublimeone]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I don't think men started complaining about lack of sex in their marriage after internet porn was invented. Kind of been an ongoing thing, no?

Men are always going to want to have sex more frequently than women. It's why we are willing to put up with their ####. This is essential for the survival of humankind.

The problem with internet porn is multi-faceted. Because porn is a pretty good substitute for the real thing, men don't try as hard to do the extra little things to bring romance into a relationship that leads to sex. We give it the college try and when she's not interested we just go and watch some porn. Simply put, If we didn't have this option we would try harder. Extrapolate from here a decade of this and you can see how distance grows... the wife is not getting attention, romance etc... the husband is getting sexual gratification from porn... they don't really need each other and they are both dissatisfied with their marriage.

and this is just one facet...

 

[Pipes]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I don't think men started complaining about lack of sex in their marriage after internet porn was invented. Kind of been an ongoing thing, no?

Men are always going to want to have sex more frequently than women. It's why we are willing to put up with their ####. This is essential for the survival of humankind.

The problem with internet porn is multi-faceted. Because porn is a pretty good substitute for the real thing, men don't try as hard to do the extra little things to bring romance into a relationship that leads to sex. We give it the college try and when she's not interested we just go and watch some porn. Simply put, If we didn't have this option we would try harder. Extrapolate from here a decade of this and you can see how distance grows... the wife is not getting attention, romance etc... the husband is getting sexual gratification from porn... they don't really need each other and they are both dissatisfied with their marriage.

and this is just one facet...

I don't agree with this. While I watch porn on occasion it's nowhere near an equal substitute for the real thing.

 

[tdoss]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I'd venture to guess that some who are having troubles view more porn as a substitute.

 

[culdeus]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I'd venture to guess that some who are having troubles view more porn as a substitute.

Seems like a classic push/pull situation to me. Will stopping porn lead to more sex for people? This I doubt.

 

[Thunderlips]

And ( I don't know if it's already been said) I'll also say...if your wife is on the pill.....get her off it. In my experiences, the pill did almost as much damage to my sex wife as motherhood and children. Horrible, horrible thing.

 

[sublimeone]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I'd venture to guess that some who are having troubles view more porn as a substitute.

Seems like a classic push/pull situation to me. Will stopping porn lead to more sex for people? This I doubt.

absolutely. from the linked article

Men who watch pornography several days a week or more depend on it more for arousal but enjoy sex less in real life, according to a new report in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/men-watch-lot-porn-enjoy-sex-study-article-1.2042977

 

[culdeus]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I'd venture to guess that some who are having troubles view more porn as a substitute.

Seems like a classic push/pull situation to me. Will stopping porn lead to more sex for people? This I doubt.

absolutely. from the linked article

Men who watch pornography several days a week or more depend on it more for arousal but enjoy sex less in real life, according to a new report in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/men-watch-lot-porn-enjoy-sex-study-article-1.2042977

That's nice but doesn't answer my question

 

[sublimeone]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I'd venture to guess that some who are having troubles view more porn as a substitute.

Seems like a classic push/pull situation to me. Will stopping porn lead to more sex for people? This I doubt.

absolutely. from the linked article

Men who watch pornography several days a week or more depend on it more for arousal but enjoy sex less in real life, according to a new report in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/men-watch-lot-porn-enjoy-sex-study-article-1.2042977

That's nice but doesn't answer my question

It does it you're not dense

 

[tdoss]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I'd venture to guess that some who are having troubles view more porn as a substitute.

Seems like a classic push/pull situation to me. Will stopping porn lead to more sex for people? This I doubt.

absolutely. from the linked article

Men who watch pornography several days a week or more depend on it more for arousal but enjoy sex less in real life, according to a new report in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/men-watch-lot-porn-enjoy-sex-study-article-1.2042977

How does that article prove your point?

It's talking about men's arousal and satisfaction with sex...not the frequency or lack thereof they are getting it.

So...stopping watching would lead to easier arousal (which would be terrible if wife ain't giving it up) and more satisfying sex (which...again...If she ain't giving it up...what difference does this make?).