Wife uses sex as a weapon (1 Viewer)

[Bogart]

How are things going Bogart?

I would say neutral right now. My wife is doing her best to get back into her comfort zone with life. I refuse to go back there, so I am doing my best to keep making subtle changes where I can.

 

[[icon]]

I'll continue to date/bang and play video games and watch TV and hang out with the boys. I'll have it all instead of choosing.

WTF are you talking about?

I think the technical term is overcompensation.

 

[Bogart]

Got to see the third set of lingerie last night.

Was about 10 days "late" IAW the promise of "once every week", but who am I to complain? Sex three times in one month is a huge jump up from 3 times in one year. Simple math tells me that is something like 12 times better. And the quality is also better. MUCH better.

I still very much want this to work, still taking everything very seriously and finding value in our therapy sessions, but I have to admit, if I wanted to walk away today, I couldn't. Did the math, and financially, just can not afford it. So it's a good thing, that we are moving in the right direction. I have preached patience and now I have to see it through. Laid out a year long plan to get financially solid again. Worst case, after that year, if things are still bad, I have the financial ability to cleanly walk away. Best case, after that year, the marriage is stronger AND our financial situation, the biggest issue behind the lack of sex, is also in a much better place. A win/win situation.

Mentally, in a much better place. Still optimistic but still realistic.

 

[Instinctive]

Got to see the third set of lingerie last night. Was about 10 days "late" IAW the promise of "once every week", but who am I to complain? Sex three times in one month is a huge jump up from 3 times in one year. Simple math tells me that is something like 12 times better. And the quality is also better. MUCH better.I still very much want this to work, still taking everything very seriously and finding value in our therapy sessions, but I have to admit, if I wanted to walk away today, I couldn't. Did the math, and financially, just can not afford it. So it's a good thing, that we are moving in the right direction. I have preached patience and now I have to see it through. Laid out a year long plan to get financially solid again. Worst case, after that year, if things are still bad, I have the financial ability to cleanly walk away. Best case, after that year, the marriage is stronger AND our financial situation, the biggest issue behind the lack of sex, is also in a much better place. A win/win situation.Mentally, in a much better place. Still optimistic but still realistic.

Keep at it man!I had been wondering when an update would come. Had another session yet? Thought I'd let you know a fellow Mavs fan was rooting for you.Getting financially stronger is ALWAYS better for a couple, or an individual. ALWAYS.

 

[Bogart]

Keep at it man!I had been wondering when an update would come. Had another session yet? Thought I'd let you know a fellow Mavs fan was rooting for you.Getting financially stronger is ALWAYS better for a couple, or an individual. ALWAYS.

Next session is Monday. Topic of conversation is going to be communication.

 

[iamsmilin]

Thanks for the updates Bogart! I really hope you guys make it!

 

[offdee]

I have to admit, if I wanted to walk away today, I couldn't. Did the math, and financially, just can not afford it.

Unfortunately this is why there are so many unhappy relationships out there. Even if the guy really does want to leave, he just can't convince himself that the financial hit (mostly when children are involved) is worth it for his freedom. "Even if I am free, what kind of life will I have living out of a cardboard box and eating spaghetti-o's cuz 70% of my pacheck will go to child support? Will probbaly be easier to keep being miserable."Sad really.

 

[LongDuckDong]

Incredible news, good for you.

Understanding the financial situation is key. Now no more blinders. You get to take it all the way to the finish line, one way or the other, eyes wide open.

 

[Walton Goggins]

I have to admit, if I wanted to walk away today, I couldn't. Did the math, and financially, just can not afford it.

Unfortunately this is why there are so many unhappy relationships out there. Even if the guy really does want to leave, he just can't convince himself that the financial hit (mostly when children are involved) is worth it for his freedom. "Even if I am free, what kind of life will I have living out of a cardboard box and eating spaghetti-o's cuz 70% of my pacheck will go to child support? Will probbaly be easier to keep being miserable."Sad really.

This really depends on a few factors:1. Where do you live?2. Alimony?3. Can you have the children at least half the time?Living in Texas so cutting out alimony is HUGE! Because the courts awarded me joint custody / having the kids 50% of the time the mandated % depending on how many children you have was thrown out the window so as a result I pay less, much less.Also think that when you no longer living / taking care of your spouse your expenses go down big time at least for me so take that increase $ adjustment into account.Unfortunately most people don't plan for a divorce or see it happening down the road. Bogart's case is different, in his mind he's already accepted that this my occur. If that was my situation I would find ways to build up a stockpile of money without her knowing. If you don't get a divorce think of it as a great nest egg you've built up but if you do having unaccounted for money really helps you out.

 

[Bogart]

I have to admit, if I wanted to walk away today, I couldn't. Did the math, and financially, just can not afford it.

Unfortunately this is why there are so many unhappy relationships out there. Even if the guy really does want to leave, he just can't convince himself that the financial hit (mostly when children are involved) is worth it for his freedom. "Even if I am free, what kind of life will I have living out of a cardboard box and eating spaghetti-o's cuz 70% of my pacheck will go to child support? Will probbaly be easier to keep being miserable."Sad really.

This really depends on a few factors:1. Where do you live?2. Alimony?3. Can you have the children at least half the time?Living in Texas so cutting out alimony is HUGE! Because the courts awarded me joint custody / having the kids 50% of the time the mandated % depending on how many children you have was thrown out the window so as a result I pay less, much less.Also think that when you no longer living / taking care of your spouse your expenses go down big time at least for me so take that increase $ adjustment into account.Unfortunately most people don't plan for a divorce or see it happening down the road. Bogart's case is different, in his mind he's already accepted that this my occur. If that was my situation I would find ways to build up a stockpile of money without her knowing. If you don't get a divorce think of it as a great nest egg you've built up but if you do having unaccounted for money really helps you out.

The idea is for me to take over all finances starting this weekend. My wife is finally on board with this, with me giving her a cash allowance for the week and I take care of everything else. Paying off debt and setting up a nest egg are the top priorities. The important thing as always is the kids, and I want them to be able to stay in the area we live and continue with the schools they are in. To do that right now, it would take more of my check than even the government would take, but I can work my ### off to knock that monthly number way down. Having the financial freedom either way will be very free.feeling.

 

[Bogart]

Fourth therapy session today.

No real huge moments. No sex talk this time either. Discussed "communication" which seems well, redundant, but made sense. We played with Jenga blocks. Wife was more vocal in this session, which is good. But she also spends a lot of the time looking at me, waiting for me to say something that is going to surprise her. We are stil skirting around some of the major issues, but you can tell they are on the surface ready to be all laid out. Like the therapist said, once defenses come down, people start to get hurt. For the first time, it felt like the wife and I were controlling the session more than the therapist.

Side note, my stepmom called for her weekly "How is Bogart?" call. I told her the same things that I posted earlier: things are getting slowly better, which is good, since I can't afford a divorce right now anyway. When I talked of money holding any possible moves back, she got real quiet and ended the conversation quickly after that.

Baby steps. Slow progress. Still a ways in this journey to go.

 

[McJose]

Fourth therapy session today.No real huge moments. No sex talk this time either. Discussed "communication" which seems well, redundant, but made sense. We played with Jenga blocks. Wife was more vocal in this session, which is good. But she also spends a lot of the time looking at me, waiting for me to say something that is going to surprise her. We are stil skirting around some of the major issues, but you can tell they are on the surface ready to be all laid out. Like the therapist said, once defenses come down, people start to get hurt. For the first time, it felt like the wife and I were controlling the session more than the therapist.Side note, my stepmom called for her weekly "How is Bogart?" call. I told her the same things that I posted earlier: things are getting slowly better, which is good, since I can't afford a divorce right now anyway. When I talked of money holding any possible moves back, she got real quiet and ended the conversation quickly after that.Baby steps. Slow progress. Still a ways in this journey to go.

Who won the Jenga game?

 

[Frostillicus]

Fourth therapy session today.No real huge moments. No sex talk this time either. Discussed "communication" which seems well, redundant, but made sense. We played with Jenga blocks. Wife was more vocal in this session, which is good. But she also spends a lot of the time looking at me, waiting for me to say something that is going to surprise her. We are stil skirting around some of the major issues, but you can tell they are on the surface ready to be all laid out. Like the therapist said, once defenses come down, people start to get hurt. For the first time, it felt like the wife and I were controlling the session more than the therapist.Side note, my stepmom called for her weekly "How is Bogart?" call. I told her the same things that I posted earlier: things are getting slowly better, which is good, since I can't afford a divorce right now anyway. When I talked of money holding any possible moves back, she got real quiet and ended the conversation quickly after that.Baby steps. Slow progress. Still a ways in this journey to go.

Who won the Jenga game?

Was it strip jenga, drinking jenga, or regular jenga, because I've played all three and the fun levels are actually really different.

 

[Bogart]

Fourth therapy session today.No real huge moments. No sex talk this time either. Discussed "communication" which seems well, redundant, but made sense. We played with Jenga blocks. Wife was more vocal in this session, which is good. But she also spends a lot of the time looking at me, waiting for me to say something that is going to surprise her. We are stil skirting around some of the major issues, but you can tell they are on the surface ready to be all laid out. Like the therapist said, once defenses come down, people start to get hurt. For the first time, it felt like the wife and I were controlling the session more than the therapist.Side note, my stepmom called for her weekly "How is Bogart?" call. I told her the same things that I posted earlier: things are getting slowly better, which is good, since I can't afford a divorce right now anyway. When I talked of money holding any possible moves back, she got real quiet and ended the conversation quickly after that.Baby steps. Slow progress. Still a ways in this journey to go.

Who won the Jenga game?

When you play Jenga, no one REALLY wins.We did an exercise where one person made something with half the blocks and then tells the other person who can't see it how to make it. You see how close the second person gets it. Things like that, my wife and I, are actually pretty good at. I would normally say it would be a waste of time, but the therapist made some good comments about our back and forth conversation.

 

[Frostillicus]

Fourth therapy session today.No real huge moments. No sex talk this time either. Discussed "communication" which seems well, redundant, but made sense. We played with Jenga blocks. Wife was more vocal in this session, which is good. But she also spends a lot of the time looking at me, waiting for me to say something that is going to surprise her. We are stil skirting around some of the major issues, but you can tell they are on the surface ready to be all laid out. Like the therapist said, once defenses come down, people start to get hurt. For the first time, it felt like the wife and I were controlling the session more than the therapist.Side note, my stepmom called for her weekly "How is Bogart?" call. I told her the same things that I posted earlier: things are getting slowly better, which is good, since I can't afford a divorce right now anyway. When I talked of money holding any possible moves back, she got real quiet and ended the conversation quickly after that.Baby steps. Slow progress. Still a ways in this journey to go.

Who won the Jenga game?

When you play Jenga, no one REALLY wins.We did an exercise where one person made something with half the blocks and then tells the other person who can't see it how to make it. You see how close the second person gets it. Things like that, my wife and I, are actually pretty good at. I would normally say it would be a waste of time, but the therapist made some good comments about our back and forth conversation.

I'd just start throwing the Jenga blocks at my wife while reciting Rabbit Maranville's career statistics.

 

[Bogart]

Fourth therapy session today.No real huge moments. No sex talk this time either. Discussed "communication" which seems well, redundant, but made sense. We played with Jenga blocks. Wife was more vocal in this session, which is good. But she also spends a lot of the time looking at me, waiting for me to say something that is going to surprise her. We are stil skirting around some of the major issues, but you can tell they are on the surface ready to be all laid out. Like the therapist said, once defenses come down, people start to get hurt. For the first time, it felt like the wife and I were controlling the session more than the therapist.Side note, my stepmom called for her weekly "How is Bogart?" call. I told her the same things that I posted earlier: things are getting slowly better, which is good, since I can't afford a divorce right now anyway. When I talked of money holding any possible moves back, she got real quiet and ended the conversation quickly after that.Baby steps. Slow progress. Still a ways in this journey to go.

Who won the Jenga game?

When you play Jenga, no one REALLY wins.We did an exercise where one person made something with half the blocks and then tells the other person who can't see it how to make it. You see how close the second person gets it. Things like that, my wife and I, are actually pretty good at. I would normally say it would be a waste of time, but the therapist made some good comments about our back and forth conversation.

I'd just start throwing the Jenga blocks at my wife while reciting Rabbit Maranville's career statistics.

Gotta save something for next week.

 

[Frostillicus]

Fourth therapy session today.No real huge moments. No sex talk this time either. Discussed "communication" which seems well, redundant, but made sense. We played with Jenga blocks. Wife was more vocal in this session, which is good. But she also spends a lot of the time looking at me, waiting for me to say something that is going to surprise her. We are stil skirting around some of the major issues, but you can tell they are on the surface ready to be all laid out. Like the therapist said, once defenses come down, people start to get hurt. For the first time, it felt like the wife and I were controlling the session more than the therapist.Side note, my stepmom called for her weekly "How is Bogart?" call. I told her the same things that I posted earlier: things are getting slowly better, which is good, since I can't afford a divorce right now anyway. When I talked of money holding any possible moves back, she got real quiet and ended the conversation quickly after that.Baby steps. Slow progress. Still a ways in this journey to go.

Who won the Jenga game?

When you play Jenga, no one REALLY wins.We did an exercise where one person made something with half the blocks and then tells the other person who can't see it how to make it. You see how close the second person gets it. Things like that, my wife and I, are actually pretty good at. I would normally say it would be a waste of time, but the therapist made some good comments about our back and forth conversation.

I'd just start throwing the Jenga blocks at my wife while reciting Rabbit Maranville's career statistics.

Gotta save something for next week.

You're already an expert.

 

[McJose]

Fourth therapy session today.No real huge moments. No sex talk this time either. Discussed "communication" which seems well, redundant, but made sense. We played with Jenga blocks. Wife was more vocal in this session, which is good. But she also spends a lot of the time looking at me, waiting for me to say something that is going to surprise her. We are stil skirting around some of the major issues, but you can tell they are on the surface ready to be all laid out. Like the therapist said, once defenses come down, people start to get hurt. For the first time, it felt like the wife and I were controlling the session more than the therapist.Side note, my stepmom called for her weekly "How is Bogart?" call. I told her the same things that I posted earlier: things are getting slowly better, which is good, since I can't afford a divorce right now anyway. When I talked of money holding any possible moves back, she got real quiet and ended the conversation quickly after that.Baby steps. Slow progress. Still a ways in this journey to go.

Who won the Jenga game?

When you play Jenga, no one REALLY wins.We did an exercise where one person made something with half the blocks and then tells the other person who can't see it how to make it. You see how close the second person gets it. Things like that, my wife and I, are actually pretty good at. I would normally say it would be a waste of time, but the therapist made some good comments about our back and forth conversation.

I would do what I used to do to my step-sister when she bugged me to play Battleship: I wouldn't put any ships on my board. I'd hide them under the couch or something and then see how long it took her to figure it out.

 

[Disco Stu]

Side note, my stepmom called for her weekly "How is Bogart?" call. I told her the same things that I posted earlier: things are getting slowly better, which is good, since I can't afford a divorce right now anyway. When I talked of money holding any possible moves back, she got real quiet and ended the conversation quickly after that.

Maybe she thought you were asking for money.

 

[Bogart]

Side note, my stepmom called for her weekly "How is Bogart?" call. I told her the same things that I posted earlier: things are getting slowly better, which is good, since I can't afford a divorce right now anyway. When I talked of money holding any possible moves back, she got real quiet and ended the conversation quickly after that.

Maybe she thought you were asking for money.

No, it wasn't that. We have a history where I haven't taken money from them since I was 18, even when they have offered on occasion.I truly believe that her and my Dad think that divorce is now the right thing, and was maybe a bit disappointed that I'm not going in that direction right now. She has given her opinions, on both sides, since the beginning, but since things have started getting a bit better, she has been supportive, but it might be forced a bit. She has gone back repeatedly about "make sure you are doing the best for the kids. Kids won't be happy in a home with an unhappy marriage", and multiple times "do not add a third kid into this mix. When couples get back together that happens often, and you don't need that." Either way, it's good to have others looking from the outside in, and give me input when perhaps I'm too close to the situation.One thing about the session yesterday, that I just realized this morning. Our default conversation starter has been around the five love languages. My wife was giving me praise for spending quite a bit of effort/time on her secondary love language (Acts of Service). Then she made a throw away comment, "I have been working hard, paying attention to his primary language (Physical Touch)". For those keeping track at home, we have had sex three times in the last 5 weeks, two of those times after Armageddon conversations. Not to look too far ahead, but if that is her "working hard" on my primary language, we are going to have issues once she doesn't work as hard.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

Sports.

 

[Tremendous Upside]

I don't have anything constructive to add, and I hope things get better Bogie. I just wanted to say that Sex as a Weapon is the best hair metal album title that never was

 

[Disco Stu]

Then she made a throw away comment, "I have been working hard, paying attention to his primary language (Physical Touch)". For those keeping track at home, we have had sex three times in the last 5 weeks, two of those times after Armageddon conversations. Not to look too far ahead, but if that is her "working hard" on my primary language, we are going to have issues once she doesn't work as hard.

Baby steps and all, but yeah... that's not gonna cut it.

 

[Yankee23Fan]

Then she made a throw away comment, "I have been working hard, paying attention to his primary language (Physical Touch)". For those keeping track at home, we have had sex three times in the last 5 weeks, two of those times after Armageddon conversations. Not to look too far ahead, but if that is her "working hard" on my primary language, we are going to have issues once she doesn't work as hard.

Baby steps and all, but yeah... that's not gonna cut it.

Agreed. This isn't working.

 

[Giant Wooden Badger]

One thing about the session yesterday, that I just realized this morning. Our default conversation starter has been around the five love languages. My wife was giving me praise for spending quite a bit of effort/time on her secondary love language (Acts of Service). Then she made a throw away comment, "I have been working hard, paying attention to his primary language (Physical Touch)". For those keeping track at home, we have had sex three times in the last 5 weeks, two of those times after Armageddon conversations. Not to look too far ahead, but if that is her "working hard" on my primary language, we are going to have issues once she doesn't work as hard.

Physical touch isn't always sex. What else is she doing (if anything)?

 

[Bogart]

One thing about the session yesterday, that I just realized this morning. Our default conversation starter has been around the five love languages. My wife was giving me praise for spending quite a bit of effort/time on her secondary love language (Acts of Service). Then she made a throw away comment, "I have been working hard, paying attention to his primary language (Physical Touch)". For those keeping track at home, we have had sex three times in the last 5 weeks, two of those times after Armageddon conversations. Not to look too far ahead, but if that is her "working hard" on my primary language, we are going to have issues once she doesn't work as hard.

Physical touch isn't always sex. What else is she doing (if anything)?

She is making a point to hold hands when we are out (which she was a fan of that already) and she is also making a point to try and add a bit more passion to our kisses good bye and hello, leaving and returning from work. Once they were just pecks that barely registered. Now they do linger for a second. I do appreciate that.

 

[Mrs. BSR]

Ok Bogart, looking for an update.

 

[Mr. Pickles]

One thing about the session yesterday, that I just realized this morning. Our default conversation starter has been around the five love languages. My wife was giving me praise for spending quite a bit of effort/time on her secondary love language (Acts of Service). Then she made a throw away comment, "I have been working hard, paying attention to his primary language (Physical Touch)". For those keeping track at home, we have had sex three times in the last 5 weeks, two of those times after Armageddon conversations. Not to look too far ahead, but if that is her "working hard" on my primary language, we are going to have issues once she doesn't work as hard.

Physical touch isn't always sex. What else is she doing (if anything)?

She is making a point to hold hands when we are out (which she was a fan of that already) and she is also making a point to try and add a bit more passion to our kisses good bye and hello, leaving and returning from work. Once they were just pecks that barely registered. Now they do linger for a second. I do appreciate that.

This is so.. clinical. You shouldn't have to force affection.

 

[Bogart]

Ok Bogart, looking for an update.

There will be one soon.

 

[shake zula]

Are you big Ben Aflec/Bruce Willis fans? You sure do talk about Armageddon a lot.

 

[Sabertooth]

I'd have to say that this thread led me to some of the LTR "Game" website which have really helped me see some of the problems in my own behavior that has led my wife to bore of me. Having seen that now, I've corrected some things and the fighting has all but disappeared. Thanks fellas!

 

[tommyboy]

no kidding, that athol guy showing up was one of the highlights of this thread. I bought his book, its pretty interesting

 

[Sabertooth]

no kidding, that athol guy showing up was one of the highlights of this thread. I bought his book, its pretty interesting

I bought it too and read it in about 3 days. Good read. I also found some pretty interesting blogs off of his.

 

[Jutz]

no kidding, that athol guy showing up was one of the highlights of this thread. I bought his book, its pretty interesting

I bought it too and read it in about 3 days. Good read. I also found some pretty interesting blogs off of his.

I think the whole 'alpha' male thing has one major flaw. Alpha male's are dooshes. If I have to transform my personality to be a dooshe just to get some #####... I'll just keep wackin.

 

[Disco Stu]

no kidding, that athol guy showing up was one of the highlights of this thread. I bought his book, its pretty interesting

I bought it too and read it in about 3 days. Good read. I also found some pretty interesting blogs off of his.

I think the whole 'alpha' male thing has one major flaw. Alpha male's are dooshes. If I have to transform my personality to be a dooshe just to get some #####... I'll just keep wackin.

That's very beta of you.

 

[Sabertooth]

no kidding, that athol guy showing up was one of the highlights of this thread. I bought his book, its pretty interesting

I bought it too and read it in about 3 days. Good read. I also found some pretty interesting blogs off of his.

I think the whole 'alpha' male thing has one major flaw. Alpha male's are dooshes. If I have to transform my personality to be a dooshe just to get some #####... I'll just keep wackin.

I didn't get that from Athol's book at all. Have you read it?

 

[dancingbones]

Got to see the third set of lingerie last night. Was about 10 days "late" IAW the promise of "once every week", but who am I to complain? Sex three times in one month is a huge jump up from 3 times in one year. Simple math tells me that is something like 12 times better. And the quality is also better. MUCH better.I still very much want this to work, still taking everything very seriously and finding value in our therapy sessions, but I have to admit, if I wanted to walk away today, I couldn't. Did the math, and financially, just can not afford it. So it's a good thing, that we are moving in the right direction. I have preached patience and now I have to see it through. Laid out a year long plan to get financially solid again. Worst case, after that year, if things are still bad, I have the financial ability to cleanly walk away. Best case, after that year, the marriage is stronger AND our financial situation, the biggest issue behind the lack of sex, is also in a much better place. A win/win situation.Mentally, in a much better place. Still optimistic but still realistic.

Glad you're having glimpses of workability for your relationship, Bogart. On the flip side, I wouldn't let yourself stay in a bad marriage because of finances. It's only money, and you'll have enough to get by if it comes to that. The quality of your life is not measured by the balance in your bank account. Good luck!

 

[Bogart]

Not saying this is your situation, but the two people that preached this to me when I was considering going through a divorce were people that had plenty of money.Easy to say, "money isn't everything" when you have money. If I could do it all over again, I would stick it out longer than I did.

When you say you wish you would have stuck it out longer, do you mean to make it work? Save up more money? What would you have done different?

 

[dancingbones]

Got to see the third set of lingerie last night.

Was about 10 days "late" IAW the promise of "once every week", but who am I to complain? Sex three times in one month is a huge jump up from 3 times in one year. Simple math tells me that is something like 12 times better. And the quality is also better. MUCH better.

I still very much want this to work, still taking everything very seriously and finding value in our therapy sessions, but I have to admit, if I wanted to walk away today, I couldn't. Did the math, and financially, just can not afford it. So it's a good thing, that we are moving in the right direction. I have preached patience and now I have to see it through. Laid out a year long plan to get financially solid again. Worst case, after that year, if things are still bad, I have the financial ability to cleanly walk away. Best case, after that year, the marriage is stronger AND our financial situation, the biggest issue behind the lack of sex, is also in a much better place. A win/win situation.

Mentally, in a much better place. Still optimistic but still realistic.

Glad you're having glimpses of workability for your relationship, Bogart. On the flip side, I wouldn't let yourself stay in a bad marriage because of finances. It's only money, and you'll have enough to get by if it comes to that. The quality of your life is not measured by the balance in your bank account. Good luck!

Not saying this is your situation, but the two people that preached this to me when I was considering going through a divorce were people that had plenty of money.Easy to say, "money isn't everything" when you have money. If I could do it all over again, I would stick it out longer than I did.

All of my finances are laid out in the "Getting a Loving Divorce" thread. I'm not rolling in cash but I did a good job of providing for my family, and when looking at getting divorced, it looked like I was going to get totally screwed financially - adding another BIG expense (child support/alimony), while cutting out my ex-wife's income - which was just starting to kick in after 10 years of her not working. So far, it looked like a bigger challenge financially than it has proven to be. I have almost no $$ going into my 401K now, & my savings has been almost completely wiped out, but I still have enough to live on, I still have my house, and I have options of living more frugally if I need to.

The peace of mind that I have not having to live with someone who suffered from depression and didn't find me attractive compared to having a hot woman who loves me & wants to jump my bones just about every day AND who I enjoy spending time with is priceless. Totally worth it, IMO. Of course, YMMV...

 

[Bogart]

Ok Bogart, looking for an update.

The last two weeks or so, and especially this last weekend proved to me that things are not going to change to a level that is acceptable to what I want and what I need. All of the things that she was doing early on were clearly desperation attempts at keeping what she had and keeping things status quo. The speed that she went back to the old routine was supersonic."You can't change the other person. And you can't expect them to change. You can only change the way you handle your relationship with them." - Our Therapist

"You have to be happy, you can't spend the rest of your life just trying to make other people happy, just to be miserable yourself." - My Dad

These have been my mantra chants for the last week, which for me emotionally has been an all time low. It really sunk in over the weekend that there is simply no way I can continue in this marriage. I'm more sure of this now before our therapy started, more sure than I ever have been. We just are not going to be happy together.

So the question of "if" is answered. Now the questions that remain are "how" and "when". I don't want to spend the next year saving up to get out, but I don't want to walk out tomorrow and just really #### things up financially either. There has to be a line somewhere in between. I know I could get 6 to 12 months of free room and board if I wanted to stay with my parents, both sets live locally, and both have offered up for me to stay with them. But the idea of a 36 year old man living at home, trying to start again, just seems sad. But it may be what I do for a while. I need to be smart for the kids.

I don't have the answers on how it's going to happen, or when. I have been actually Googling "How Do I Say I Want A Divorce". Going to talk to my brother in the next week or so to make sure I have all of my legal ducks in a row.

I will still post things here, it's great therapy, and hopefully still get some great advice from the masses, but not sure what else to say at this time. Will continue to go to therapy as well until things end.

 

[geoff8695]

Ok Bogart, looking for an update.

The last two weeks or so, and especially this last weekend proved to me that things are not going to change to a level that is acceptable to what I want and what I need. All of the things that she was doing early on were clearly desperation attempts at keeping what she had and keeping things status quo. The speed that she went back to the old routine was supersonic."You can't change the other person. And you can't expect them to change. You can only change the way you handle your relationship with them." - Our Therapist

"You have to be happy, you can't spend the rest of your life just trying to make other people happy, just to be miserable yourself." - My Dad

These have been my mantra chants for the last week, which for me emotionally has been an all time low. It really sunk in over the weekend that there is simply no way I can continue in this marriage. I'm more sure of this now before our therapy started, more sure than I ever have been. We just are not going to be happy together.

So the question of "if" is answered. Now the questions that remain are "how" and "when". I don't want to spend the next year saving up to get out, but I don't want to walk out tomorrow and just really #### things up financially either. There has to be a line somewhere in between. I know I could get 6 to 12 months of free room and board if I wanted to stay with my parents, both sets live locally, and both have offered up for me to stay with them. But the idea of a 36 year old man living at home, trying to start again, just seems sad. But it may be what I do for a while. I need to be smart for the kids.

I don't have the answers on how it's going to happen, or when. I have been actually Googling "How Do I Say I Want A Divorce". Going to talk to my brother in the next week or so to make sure I have all of my legal ducks in a row.

I will still post things here, it's great therapy, and hopefully still get some great advice from the masses, but not sure what else to say at this time. Will continue to go to therapy as well until things end.

Wow! What the hell happened between June 24 and July 4 to take you from cautious optimism to utter hopelessness? Not attacking you or trying to put you on the defensive here, and hope it doesn't come off that way...

 

[Smarge]

Sorry to hear this is the outcome, but I suppose I'm happy you've found the clarity you were looking for.

 

[Bogart]

Ok Bogart, looking for an update.

The last two weeks or so, and especially this last weekend proved to me that things are not going to change to a level that is acceptable to what I want and what I need. All of the things that she was doing early on were clearly desperation attempts at keeping what she had and keeping things status quo. The speed that she went back to the old routine was supersonic."You can't change the other person. And you can't expect them to change. You can only change the way you handle your relationship with them." - Our Therapist

"You have to be happy, you can't spend the rest of your life just trying to make other people happy, just to be miserable yourself." - My Dad

These have been my mantra chants for the last week, which for me emotionally has been an all time low. It really sunk in over the weekend that there is simply no way I can continue in this marriage. I'm more sure of this now before our therapy started, more sure than I ever have been. We just are not going to be happy together.

So the question of "if" is answered. Now the questions that remain are "how" and "when". I don't want to spend the next year saving up to get out, but I don't want to walk out tomorrow and just really #### things up financially either. There has to be a line somewhere in between. I know I could get 6 to 12 months of free room and board if I wanted to stay with my parents, both sets live locally, and both have offered up for me to stay with them. But the idea of a 36 year old man living at home, trying to start again, just seems sad. But it may be what I do for a while. I need to be smart for the kids.

I don't have the answers on how it's going to happen, or when. I have been actually Googling "How Do I Say I Want A Divorce". Going to talk to my brother in the next week or so to make sure I have all of my legal ducks in a row.

I will still post things here, it's great therapy, and hopefully still get some great advice from the masses, but not sure what else to say at this time. Will continue to go to therapy as well until things end.

Wow! What the hell happened between June 24 and July 4 to take you from cautious optimism to utter hopelessness? Not attacking you or trying to put you on the defensive here, and hope it doesn't come off that way...

Not on the defensive at all. The cautious optimism came from the acts and changes she was making, that were small, but I felt could be built upon. It was clear, that was her max effort, and she felt good about doing them, checking them off and getting them out of the way. She is as bad or worse now, the last two weeks, than she has ever been. And it's now at the point she will use the few acts of intimacy almost against me, "See what I did for you" kind of thing.As someone said, you can't force passion, and you can't hide a sterile relationship. It's not a horrible relationship on the surface. We could stay together the next 50 years, and everyone would thing things are great. No one is getting beaten, no verbal abuse, but it's just not what I'm going to spend the rest of my life living with. I need to make the change.

 

[chet]

Best of luck.

 

[Mrs. BSR]

Sorry to hear that Bogart. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. I wish you the best.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

Best of luck Bogart, especially with your kiddos.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

Bogart, do you think you will ever have sex with your wife again?

 

[Bogart]

Does this still revolve around the "sex/intimacy" issue? How much of an instigator have you been, or do you wait for her to make the first move?

While sex and intimacy issues have dominated this thread in particular, it's only a part of the overall issues that my wife and I are having. If everything else in the marriage was good to great, and sex was the only issue, it would be really easy to count my blessings about everything else being good and just find some extra alone time with Internets. But that is not the case here.

 

[Disco Stu]

Tough decision but seems to be the right one. Let me know if you want to get together for lunch or happy hour. I went through it four years ago (divorce was official 7/5/07) and came out of it better in every way.

 

[Bogart]

Bogart, do you think you will ever have sex with your wife again?

Ummm, yes. Especially if the process takes some time. I would set the over/under at once a month.