Wife uses sex as a weapon (1 Viewer)

[Bogart]

Tough decision but seems to be the right one. Let me know if you want to get together for lunch or happy hour. I went through it four years ago (divorce was official 7/5/07) and came out of it better in every way.

Thanks GB. Will take you up on that soon.

 

[Lieutenant Dan]

Tough decision but seems to be the right one. Let me know if you want to get together for lunch or happy hour. I went through it four years ago (divorce was official 7/5/07) and came out of it better in every way.

Thanks GB. Will take you up on that soon.

Stu, let him get divorced before you take him for a ride on the herpes bus

 

[Disco Stu]

Tough decision but seems to be the right one. Let me know if you want to get together for lunch or happy hour. I went through it four years ago (divorce was official 7/5/07) and came out of it better in every way.

Thanks GB. Will take you up on that soon.

Stu, let him get divorced before you take him for a ride on the herpes bus

Parting gift for the stbx?

 

[Sabertooth]

Does this still revolve around the "sex/intimacy" issue? How much of an instigator have you been, or do you wait for her to make the first move?

While sex and intimacy issues have dominated this thread in particular, it's only a part of the overall issues that my wife and I are having. If everything else in the marriage was good to great, and sex was the only issue, it would be really easy to count my blessings about everything else being good and just find some extra alone time with Internets. But that is not the case here.

So your issues are so intense and varied that you can't simply count your blessings now? I'm confused. Make no mistake about it. Sex is wired into our DNA and it can be the only issue and strong enough to unravel the whole thing.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Congrats on your clarity Bogart.

 

[Polish Hammer]

Every now and then I peek in this thread. I've been with my wife 16 years, married for 9 with 2 kids, and we have our issues and lulls in activity like anyone else. Our household clearly feels the subtle negative effects of when our sex life is less than great (and the opposite when it is doing well). I'm hoping I never have to get to the stages some people here are going through or have completed. In the last page or so I noticed people mentioning Athol Kay, and I found his book on Amazon as well as the blog. I think I'm gonna jump on those and read up to try and improve things. Whereabouts in the thread did he actually pop up? I'm curious to see what he has to say about the things going on here.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Every now and then I peek in this thread. I've been with my wife 16 years, married for 9 with 2 kids, and we have our issues and lulls in activity like anyone else. Our household clearly feels the subtle negative effects of when our sex life is less than great (and the opposite when it is doing well). I'm hoping I never have to get to the stages some people here are going through or have completed. In the last page or so I noticed people mentioning Athol Kay, and I found his book on Amazon as well as the blog. I think I'm gonna jump on those and read up to try and improve things. Whereabouts in the thread did he actually pop up? I'm curious to see what he has to say about the things going on here.

He uses really good hardware euphemisms.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

Every now and then I peek in this thread. I've been with my wife 16 years, married for 9 with 2 kids, and we have our issues and lulls in activity like anyone else. Our household clearly feels the subtle negative effects of when our sex life is less than great (and the opposite when it is doing well). I'm hoping I never have to get to the stages some people here are going through or have completed. In the last page or so I noticed people mentioning Athol Kay, and I found his book on Amazon as well as the blog. I think I'm gonna jump on those and read up to try and improve things. Whereabouts in the thread did he actually pop up? I'm curious to see what he has to say about the things going on here.

He uses really good hardware euphemisms.

"You'll be nailing your wife like a Polish Hammer"

 

[skillz]

Sorry to hear that. At least you can say that you tried to do everything you could to preserve the marriage so you won't have any "what if's" in your head later in life.

Like Stu I got divorced (with a kid involved too) and it's worked out for the best for me. It takes a while to get things sorted out but you'll get there.

I would think it would be easy to have the divorce convo with her since you two have already talked about how the marriage isn't working and things need to change. You can simply tell her that even though you've gone to therapy you are not seeing the changes or effort necessary to make the marriage work, you don't want the status quo and it's best for everyone to amicably part and move on with their life. Tell her that you want a simple divorce for the kids' sake and that if there is a battle during the divorce the only people that ultimately win are the lawyers getting paid (plus it doesn't sound like you have a lot of money to fight over anyway) and that its best for the kids that the divorce go smoothly. Tell her you still want to be an effective co-parent with your kids and that you want to maintain a positive relationship with her after the divorce, but as far as you and her being married that is just no longer going to happen.

That's my two cents. Good luck. If I were in your shoes I would want to do it sooner rather than later but it sounds like financially you may be handcuffed. Just remember the longer you stay married to her the longer half the wages you continue to earn this year are going to go in her pocket once the divorce is finalized. Something to think about.

 

[Bogart]

Does this still revolve around the "sex/intimacy" issue? How much of an instigator have you been, or do you wait for her to make the first move?

While sex and intimacy issues have dominated this thread in particular, it's only a part of the overall issues that my wife and I are having. If everything else in the marriage was good to great, and sex was the only issue, it would be really easy to count my blessings about everything else being good and just find some extra alone time with Internets. But that is not the case here.

So your issues are so intense and varied that you can't simply count your blessings now? I'm confused. Make no mistake about it. Sex is wired into our DNA and it can be the only issue and strong enough to unravel the whole thing.

If sex was the only issue, I think I could look past it. It would be difficult, but you adapt if everything else is going well. We don't see eye to eye on our finances. We don't agree on how to raise our kids. Every discussion she has with me is either negative towards me, or she is telling me a story about her job or Facebook where she can be negative about that situation. We aren't friends anymore. We don't have meaningful conversations. Her attempts to "change" now are very visible as acts of desperation that she pulled out when all was lost, and now she has put them back. I'm not going to force her to show passion or compassion. I can't change her. I should have left a long time ago, but that mistake and wasted time is on me.

 

[Disco Stu]

I would think it would be easy to have the divorce convo with her since you two have already talked about how the marriage isn't working and things need to change. You can simply tell her that even though you've gone to therapy you are not seeing the changes or effort necessary to make the marriage work, you don't want the status quo and it's best for everyone to amicably part and move on with their life. Tell her that you want a simple divorce for the kids' sake and that if there is a battle during the divorce the only people that ultimately win are the lawyers getting paid (plus it doesn't sound like you have a lot of money to fight over anyway) and that its best for the kids that the divorce go smoothly. Tell her you still want to be an effective co-parent with your kids and that you want to maintain a positive relationship with her after the divorce, but as far as you and her being married that is just no longer going to happen.

Some here (Goggins) will insist you need a lawyer to fight for everything, but it doesn't have to be like that. Work together as mature adults and save yourself a lot of money and aggravation. This will also set you off on the right foot as far as raising/sharing kids go. You're still tied to this woman for a long time.

 

[johnnycakes]

I would think it would be easy to have the divorce convo with her since you two have already talked about how the marriage isn't working and things need to change. You can simply tell her that even though you've gone to therapy you are not seeing the changes or effort necessary to make the marriage work, you don't want the status quo and it's best for everyone to amicably part and move on with their life. Tell her that you want a simple divorce for the kids' sake and that if there is a battle during the divorce the only people that ultimately win are the lawyers getting paid (plus it doesn't sound like you have a lot of money to fight over anyway) and that its best for the kids that the divorce go smoothly. Tell her you still want to be an effective co-parent with your kids and that you want to maintain a positive relationship with her after the divorce, but as far as you and her being married that is just no longer going to happen.

Some here (Goggins) will insist you need a lawyer to fight for everything, but it doesn't have to be like that. Work together as mature adults and save yourself a lot of money and aggravation. This will also set you off on the right foot as far as raising/sharing kids go. You're still tied to this woman for a long time.

Actually, IIRC, Goggins had a mediated divorce.. as did I. But our mediator, a retired family court judge, basically told each of us that we would still need lawyers to advise us on matters of law, as that was not the mediator's job. Now, finding a lawyer who "gets" the mediation process, is the trick. I had a top-notch law firm, but my ex's lawyer dropped her over billing issues (not the reason she gave the judge, but that is in fact what it was), so she needed to get her own lawyer. The mediator was able to provide her a list of lawyers who understood the mediation process and whom she could recommend.

 

[Mad Cow]

Bogart, if I might at least offer an alternative. You say your wife won't or cannot change, and so you are talking about years and years of developing habits that have been detrimental. Is it not a bit unrealistic to expect her to be able to make sweeping changes in her life in a matter of weeks, especially under the stress of an impending divorce? Now, I understand I am not in your situation, but if you and she really do want to make it work, it seems to me that you should be willing to give it at least 6 months with continual talks/sessions/whatever to let each other know what is and is not helping. Saying change is impossible after so short a time is, in my opinion, unfair. Take it for what it's worth. I think you are judging too quickly.

 

[dancingbones]

Sorry to hear, Bogart. It's a tough choice to make for sure, but it sounds like you have really used the therapy to bring some clarity to your own thoughts and feelings about it. Feel free to send a PM or post here if you need any support going through the many layers of emotions that you have in front of you. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel though. Good luck.

 

[WalrusMan]

Bogart, if I might at least offer an alternative. You say your wife won't or cannot change, and so you are talking about years and years of developing habits that have been detrimental. Is it not a bit unrealistic to expect her to be able to make sweeping changes in her life in a matter of weeks, especially under the stress of an impending divorce? Now, I understand I am not in your situation, but if you and she really do want to make it work, it seems to me that you should be willing to give it at least 6 months with continual talks/sessions/whatever to let each other know what is and is not helping. Saying change is impossible after so short a time is, in my opinion, unfair. Take it for what it's worth. I think you are judging too quickly.

That's not how female attraction works beef. Once a woman stops being attracted to you it's very hard, if not impossible, to flip the switch back. The man would have to make radical behavioral changes and the woman would have to buy these behavioral changes and not be spoiled by their shared history together. Very rarely happens.Best to learn from one's mistakes and start over.

 

[Mad Cow]

Bogart, if I might at least offer an alternative. You say your wife won't or cannot change, and so you are talking about years and years of developing habits that have been detrimental. Is it not a bit unrealistic to expect her to be able to make sweeping changes in her life in a matter of weeks, especially under the stress of an impending divorce? Now, I understand I am not in your situation, but if you and she really do want to make it work, it seems to me that you should be willing to give it at least 6 months with continual talks/sessions/whatever to let each other know what is and is not helping. Saying change is impossible after so short a time is, in my opinion, unfair. Take it for what it's worth. I think you are judging too quickly.

That's not how female attraction works beef. Once a woman stops being attracted to you it's very hard, if not impossible, to flip the switch back. The man would have to make radical behavioral changes and the woman would have to buy these behavioral changes and not be spoiled by their shared history together. Very rarely happens.Best to learn from one's mistakes and start over.

You see, I disagree on a few levels. I don't necessarily think it is about attraction. Sex on a woman's end is not always about attraction, either way about it. They are not horn-dog men that if they see a dong they must ride it. There are many levels of complexity to this behavior, and you boiling it down to she is no longer attracted to him, so move on, is just pressing the easy button in terms of the relationship. You matter-of-factly stating it that way doesn't make it true, and I would bet the 2 females on this board with also disagree with you.

 

[Thorn]

If things are so bad you can't stand being around the other person, get out.If things are kinda bad, yet tolerable, work as hard as you can to make it better before you get out.If things are just a little bad, work on it, and suck it up you pansy. Most marriages are not "ideal".

I think you just summed up this thread in three sentences.

 

[WalrusMan]

Bogart, if I might at least offer an alternative. You say your wife won't or cannot change, and so you are talking about years and years of developing habits that have been detrimental. Is it not a bit unrealistic to expect her to be able to make sweeping changes in her life in a matter of weeks, especially under the stress of an impending divorce? Now, I understand I am not in your situation, but if you and she really do want to make it work, it seems to me that you should be willing to give it at least 6 months with continual talks/sessions/whatever to let each other know what is and is not helping. Saying change is impossible after so short a time is, in my opinion, unfair. Take it for what it's worth. I think you are judging too quickly.

That's not how female attraction works beef. Once a woman stops being attracted to you it's very hard, if not impossible, to flip the switch back. The man would have to make radical behavioral changes and the woman would have to buy these behavioral changes and not be spoiled by their shared history together. Very rarely happens.Best to learn from one's mistakes and start over.

You see, I disagree on a few levels. I don't necessarily think it is about attraction. Sex on a woman's end is not always about attraction, either way about it. They are not horn-dog men that if they see a dong they must ride it. There are many levels of complexity to this behavior, and you boiling it down to she is no longer attracted to him, so move on, is just pressing the easy button in terms of the relationship. You matter-of-factly stating it that way doesn't make it true, and I would bet the 2 females on this board with also disagree with you.

When I say "attraction" I consider all the variables built in. Sorry for the confusion.

 

[WalrusMan]

Prediction for Bogart: once he initiates divorce proceedings and gives his wife the cold shoulder, she will approach him for sex more frequently.

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

Good luck Bogart!

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

Dont know who WalrusMan is but couldnt disagree more.

 

[Mad Cow]

Bogart, if I might at least offer an alternative. You say your wife won't or cannot change, and so you are talking about years and years of developing habits that have been detrimental. Is it not a bit unrealistic to expect her to be able to make sweeping changes in her life in a matter of weeks, especially under the stress of an impending divorce? Now, I understand I am not in your situation, but if you and she really do want to make it work, it seems to me that you should be willing to give it at least 6 months with continual talks/sessions/whatever to let each other know what is and is not helping. Saying change is impossible after so short a time is, in my opinion, unfair. Take it for what it's worth. I think you are judging too quickly.

That's not how female attraction works beef. Once a woman stops being attracted to you it's very hard, if not impossible, to flip the switch back. The man would have to make radical behavioral changes and the woman would have to buy these behavioral changes and not be spoiled by their shared history together. Very rarely happens.Best to learn from one's mistakes and start over.

You see, I disagree on a few levels. I don't necessarily think it is about attraction. Sex on a woman's end is not always about attraction, either way about it. They are not horn-dog men that if they see a dong they must ride it. There are many levels of complexity to this behavior, and you boiling it down to she is no longer attracted to him, so move on, is just pressing the easy button in terms of the relationship. You matter-of-factly stating it that way doesn't make it true, and I would bet the 2 females on this board with also disagree with you.

When I say "attraction" I consider all the variables built in. Sorry for the confusion.

And I still disagree with your conclusion.

 

[Copeman]

Bogart, if I might at least offer an alternative. You say your wife won't or cannot change, and so you are talking about years and years of developing habits that have been detrimental. Is it not a bit unrealistic to expect her to be able to make sweeping changes in her life in a matter of weeks, especially under the stress of an impending divorce? Now, I understand I am not in your situation, but if you and she really do want to make it work, it seems to me that you should be willing to give it at least 6 months with continual talks/sessions/whatever to let each other know what is and is not helping. Saying change is impossible after so short a time is, in my opinion, unfair. Take it for what it's worth. I think you are judging too quickly.

That's not how female attraction works beef. Once a woman stops being attracted to you it's very hard, if not impossible, to flip the switch back. The man would have to make radical behavioral changes and the woman would have to buy these behavioral changes and not be spoiled by their shared history together. Very rarely happens.Best to learn from one's mistakes and start over.

You see, I disagree on a few levels. I don't necessarily think it is about attraction. Sex on a woman's end is not always about attraction, either way about it. They are not horn-dog men that if they see a dong they must ride it. There are many levels of complexity to this behavior, and you boiling it down to she is no longer attracted to him, so move on, is just pressing the easy button in terms of the relationship. You matter-of-factly stating it that way doesn't make it true, and I would bet the 2 females on this board with also disagree with you.

When I say "attraction" I consider all the variables built in. Sorry for the confusion.

And I still disagree with your conclusion.

I don't. I've heard from multiple woman stating this exact thing. Once they no longer are attracted to a man (doesn't matter how that came about), it is almost impossible to get that attraction back for them.

 

[Angry Beavers]

Dont know who WalrusMan is but couldnt disagree more.

If Bogart's wife is still interested in working on the marriage, I think WalrusMan is spot on. If she is not interested in having the marriage work and also wants the divorce then WalrusMan is wrong.BOL to you Bogart. Like a lot of people I too have gone through a divorce. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Mad Cow]

Dont know who WalrusMan is but couldnt disagree more.

If Bogart's wife is still interested in working on the marriage, I think WalrusMan is spot on. If she is not interested in having the marriage work and also wants the divorce then WalrusMan is wrong.BOL to you Bogart. Like a lot of people I too have gone through a divorce. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

You sure you don't have that reversed?

 

[WalrusMan]

Dont know who WalrusMan is but couldnt disagree more.

If Bogart's wife is still interested in working on the marriage, I think WalrusMan is spot on. If she is not interested in having the marriage work and also wants the divorce then WalrusMan is wrong.BOL to you Bogart. Like a lot of people I too have gone through a divorce. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

You sure you don't have that reversed?

No he's right. If she has her eyes on other men and wants Bogart to initiate divorce, then she is done. If she is in her own world and is acting out at Bogart her myriad frustrations, his initiation of divorce will turn her on.

 

[Bogart]

Bogart, if I might at least offer an alternative. You say your wife won't or cannot change, and so you are talking about years and years of developing habits that have been detrimental. Is it not a bit unrealistic to expect her to be able to make sweeping changes in her life in a matter of weeks, especially under the stress of an impending divorce? Now, I understand I am not in your situation, but if you and she really do want to make it work, it seems to me that you should be willing to give it at least 6 months with continual talks/sessions/whatever to let each other know what is and is not helping. Saying change is impossible after so short a time is, in my opinion, unfair. Take it for what it's worth. I think you are judging too quickly.

I agree that the time frame might seem unfair. What I realize is that this behavior is ingrained in her. It has always been there. Her family members all have it. It cost her her first marriage. I was oblivious to it the first 1/3 of our marriage because I was blindly in love. The second 1/3 I just assumed, "this is married life. Hey let's have a kid." The second 1/3 I just buried myself and let myself get beat up. I might be unfair, trying my best to be fair.

Does this still revolve around the "sex/intimacy" issue? How much of an instigator have you been, or do you wait for her to make the first move?

While sex and intimacy issues have dominated this thread in particular, it's only a part of the overall issues that my wife and I are having. If everything else in the marriage was good to great, and sex was the only issue, it would be really easy to count my blessings about everything else being good and just find some extra alone time with Internets. But that is not the case here.

I understand, and you answered the first question, what about the second?Sex is a funny thing. It can have an impact on many other parts of our lives.

My ex and I had a great sex life, but other differences were too great to overcome. Still, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would put a lot more effort into it.

I have instigated plenty. So far I have either been turned down politely, turned down with the "all you think about is sex" comments, and postponed. Not once when I have asked has it happened right then and there. Yes, she is instigating more, but the spacing is already getting farther and farther apart, and her overall interest is decreasing. It's back to a chore to check off for her, just one that she knows she needs to do more often than she was.

If things are so bad you can't stand being around the other person, get out.

If things are kinda bad, yet tolerable, work as hard as you can to make it better before you get out.

If things are just a little bad, work on it, and suck it up you pansy. Most marriages are not "ideal".

I think you just summed up this thread in three sentences.

Great posting.

Prediction for Bogart: once he initiates divorce proceedings and gives his wife the cold shoulder, she will approach him for sex more frequently.

We have played this game, and I'm not going to anymore. Guilting or scarring someone into sex just doesn't serve a purpose.

 

[Yankee23Fan]

This doesn't surprise me, unfortunately. Good luck Bogart.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

We have played this game, and I'm not going to anymore. Guilting or scarring someone into sex just doesn't serve a purpose.

Guilt sex, scared sex, pity sex -- I'll take whatever I can get.

 

[WetDream]

We have played this game, and I'm not going to anymore. Guilting or scarring someone into sex just doesn't serve a purpose.

Guilt sex, scared sex, pity sex -- I'll take whatever I can get.

PM sent.

 

[Sabertooth]

Does this still revolve around the "sex/intimacy" issue? How much of an instigator have you been, or do you wait for her to make the first move?

While sex and intimacy issues have dominated this thread in particular, it's only a part of the overall issues that my wife and I are having. If everything else in the marriage was good to great, and sex was the only issue, it would be really easy to count my blessings about everything else being good and just find some extra alone time with Internets. But that is not the case here.

So your issues are so intense and varied that you can't simply count your blessings now? I'm confused. Make no mistake about it. Sex is wired into our DNA and it can be the only issue and strong enough to unravel the whole thing.

If sex was the only issue, I think I could look past it. It would be difficult, but you adapt if everything else is going well. We don't see eye to eye on our finances. We don't agree on how to raise our kids. Every discussion she has with me is either negative towards me, or she is telling me a story about her job or Facebook where she can be negative about that situation. We aren't friends anymore. We don't have meaningful conversations. Her attempts to "change" now are very visible as acts of desperation that she pulled out when all was lost, and now she has put them back. I'm not going to force her to show passion or compassion. I can't change her. I should have left a long time ago, but that mistake and wasted time is on me.

Got it. Well, as others have said, there probably won't be a "right" time to cut the cord. Good luck when you do.

 

[Maurile Tremblay]

Decently in-depth review of Athol's book here.

 

[chet]

Decently in-depth review of Athol's book here.

Please don't bypass the language filter.

 

[Thunderlips]

I would think it would be easy to have the divorce convo with her since you two have already talked about how the marriage isn't working and things need to change. You can simply tell her that even though you've gone to therapy you are not seeing the changes or effort necessary to make the marriage work, you don't want the status quo and it's best for everyone to amicably part and move on with their life. Tell her that you want a simple divorce for the kids' sake and that if there is a battle during the divorce the only people that ultimately win are the lawyers getting paid (plus it doesn't sound like you have a lot of money to fight over anyway) and that its best for the kids that the divorce go smoothly. Tell her you still want to be an effective co-parent with your kids and that you want to maintain a positive relationship with her after the divorce, but as far as you and her being married that is just no longer going to happen.

Some here (Goggins) will insist you need a lawyer to fight for everything, but it doesn't have to be like that. Work together as mature adults and save yourself a lot of money and aggravation. This will also set you off on the right foot as far as raising/sharing kids go. You're still tied to this woman for a long time.

Buddy and his wife were in a very similar situation . They talked about getting a divorce, not looking for lawyers...#### like that. He's telling to his brother (also a friend of mine)about stuff his wife was saying about how they were going to go forward....the house, the kids, money. She's talking to him using a bunch of fifty cent words, a lot of lawyer speak. His brother is like "Dopey...she has a lawyer. Noone talks like that." He insisted that she wasn't; said that she promised etc. etc. Sure enough...he goes to a meeting with her and she has a lawyer. Never trust a broad when it comes to this ####.

 

[Bogart]

Went to therapy today.

(I know, why go when I have made up my mind? Until I can figure out the specifics of ending this, I will continue going. You never know, right?)

Spent most of the time fighting over our finances. Nothing special, made some plans with it.

The most telling part of the session was early on. The therapist asked how our week went on a scale of 1-10, 10 being phenomenal, 1 being horrible. Wife said it was a 6. I said a shaky 5. He asked why not a 4, I said because she said a 6.

Then my wife says the following "I don't think it's nearly as bad as he thinks it is." She quickly followed that up with "I'm content with being content." Well, I'm not, and this is just more proof that it's time to move on as soon as possible.

 

[Abraham]

What's wrong with being content? Not siding with your wife, and I admire that you don't want to settle in life. But from a philosophical point of view there is nothing wrong with being happy with how things are.

 

[Bogart]

What's wrong with being content? Not siding with your wife, and I admire that you don't want to settle in life. But from a philosophical point of view there is nothing wrong with being happy with how things are.

She has stated more than once that she thinks things are fine/good/OK the way things are. Telling me that she is content being content tells me that she has no need or reason to change.We get home tonight, and right after dinner while I shower the kids and clean the kitchen (doing my best to meet her love language needs), she heads to bed with her computer, never to be seen again.

 

[Maurile Tremblay]

We get home tonight, and right after dinner while I shower the kids and clean the kitchen (doing my best to meet her love language needs), she heads to bed with her computer, never to be seen again.

Has your wife been evaluated for depression? A few things you've said in this thread sound like possible signs . . .

 

[Bogart]

We get home tonight, and right after dinner while I shower the kids and clean the kitchen (doing my best to meet her love language needs), she heads to bed with her computer, never to be seen again.

Has your wife been evaluated for depression? A few things you've said in this thread sound like possible signs . . .

I really want her to be tested. I have told her she has at the very least angry issues if not more. She flatly denies that she has any issues at all, other than being more vocal and open with her conversations than I do.

 

[NorvilleBarnes]

What's wrong with being content? Not siding with your wife, and I admire that you don't want to settle in life. But from a philosophical point of view there is nothing wrong with being happy with how things are.

She has stated more than once that she thinks things are fine/good/OK the way things are. Telling me that she is content being content tells me that she has no need or reason to change.We get home tonight, and right after dinner while I shower the kids and clean the kitchen (doing my best to meet her love language needs), she heads to bed with her computer, never to be seen again.

Of course she's content. I know other people may have suggested this earlier (I'm in and out of this thread) but why not let her shower the kids and clean the kitchen and see how content she is?

 

[Bogart]

What's wrong with being content? Not siding with your wife, and I admire that you don't want to settle in life. But from a philosophical point of view there is nothing wrong with being happy with how things are.

She has stated more than once that she thinks things are fine/good/OK the way things are. Telling me that she is content being content tells me that she has no need or reason to change.We get home tonight, and right after dinner while I shower the kids and clean the kitchen (doing my best to meet her love language needs), she heads to bed with her computer, never to be seen again.

Of course she's content. I know other people may have suggested this earlier (I'm in and out of this thread) but why not let her shower the kids and clean the kitchen and see how content she is?

I have done my fair share of leaving the kitchen, do my own thing at times, be more alpha. I just find it interesting when after a session, when we have had intense conversations about putting the other's needs above our own, she takes off to her cave.

 

[mr. furley]

We both found hobbies for her it was softball, hanging out with her friends

uh oh

good luck with that, Ross

Just asked my wife and she said 70% of team is lesbians. Will update after the season

 

[Mr. Pickles]

We get home tonight, and right after dinner while I shower the kids and clean the kitchen (doing my best to meet her love language needs), she heads to bed with her computer, never to be seen again.

Marge: That video really opened my eyes. I can see that I'm just a passive-aggressive co-culprit. By nagging you when you do foolish things, I just enable your life script.Homer: And that sends me into a shame spiral.Marge: Exactly!Marge: Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies? Bart: Uh oh. You're in for it now, Dad.Homer: Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.Marge: I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame.Homer: And I feel that you hear my shame.Marge: I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance.Homer: I feel validated by that.Marge: Good! I'm glad we had this talk.Homer: Me too.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

Continued good luck Bogart.

I always forget that Bogart isnt the OP of this thread. We need a Patrick Bateman update!

 

[Walton Goggins]

I would think it would be easy to have the divorce convo with her since you two have already talked about how the marriage isn't working and things need to change. You can simply tell her that even though you've gone to therapy you are not seeing the changes or effort necessary to make the marriage work, you don't want the status quo and it's best for everyone to amicably part and move on with their life. Tell her that you want a simple divorce for the kids' sake and that if there is a battle during the divorce the only people that ultimately win are the lawyers getting paid (plus it doesn't sound like you have a lot of money to fight over anyway) and that its best for the kids that the divorce go smoothly. Tell her you still want to be an effective co-parent with your kids and that you want to maintain a positive relationship with her after the divorce, but as far as you and her being married that is just no longer going to happen.

Some here (Goggins) will insist you need a lawyer to fight for everything, but it doesn't have to be like that. Work together as mature adults and save yourself a lot of money and aggravation. This will also set you off on the right foot as far as raising/sharing kids go. You're still tied to this woman for a long time.

I've never insisted that, in fact, if both sides can agree then not having a lawyer is optimal. That said given what he's said about his wife liking the status quo I don't think she'll agree to that and you'll be forced to go the lawyer route. In Texas you can't share the same lawyer so do it w/o one is great if she agrees but read up and cover all your bases or she can more easily go back and claim you tricked her, etc.

 

[Walton Goggins]

I would think it would be easy to have the divorce convo with her since you two have already talked about how the marriage isn't working and things need to change. You can simply tell her that even though you've gone to therapy you are not seeing the changes or effort necessary to make the marriage work, you don't want the status quo and it's best for everyone to amicably part and move on with their life. Tell her that you want a simple divorce for the kids' sake and that if there is a battle during the divorce the only people that ultimately win are the lawyers getting paid (plus it doesn't sound like you have a lot of money to fight over anyway) and that its best for the kids that the divorce go smoothly. Tell her you still want to be an effective co-parent with your kids and that you want to maintain a positive relationship with her after the divorce, but as far as you and her being married that is just no longer going to happen.

Some here (Goggins) will insist you need a lawyer to fight for everything, but it doesn't have to be like that. Work together as mature adults and save yourself a lot of money and aggravation. This will also set you off on the right foot as far as raising/sharing kids go. You're still tied to this woman for a long time.

Actually, IIRC, Goggins had a mediated divorce.. as did I. But our mediator, a retired family court judge, basically told each of us that we would still need lawyers to advise us on matters of law, as that was not the mediator's job. Now, finding a lawyer who "gets" the mediation process, is the trick. I had a top-notch law firm, but my ex's lawyer dropped her over billing issues (not the reason she gave the judge, but that is in fact what it was), so she needed to get her own lawyer. The mediator was able to provide her a list of lawyers who understood the mediation process and whom she could recommend.

The financial side was mediated only for a few reasons:1. It's clear in Texas how you split up assets/debts2. The more important issue for me was keeping my kids in Texas and spending as much time with them as possible. Knocking out the financial aspect to focus on the more important issues for me was ideal in using a mediator.FYI: A great mediator will tell you that if both sides aren't happy then they know they've done their job.I couldn't go the mediator way regarding the children since my ex wanted to move them to NY and she was not willing to budge on that so even though she wasn't going to be able to do that she didn't want to listen and take her chances anyway. One of the reasons why she went through 3 lawyers.At the beginning of our separation I told her I would give her more than 50% of the assets, more child support and even more Summer time with the kids but she said no because she wanted to move them to another state. The end results were less child support and time with the kids on her end and the kids will grow up in Texas.You would think multiple lawyers telling her what she wants isn't going to happen would make her come to her senses but that doesn't always happen.

 

[Sabertooth]

Update?

 

[Bogart]

Update?

My decision has been made to file for divorce. I have set up free room and board for myself for 6 months or more to help with the transition. The goal will be to be in a place of my own before the holidays. All that is left is to sit down and have the talk with my wife. My son's birthday is today and his party was Saturday, and so I didn't want to ruin either of those days. Finding the time and place is all that is left now. I can leave with a bag of clothes just as soon as we are done, if that is her choice, and still be able to do the day to day (work, school, etc) without missing a beat.I thought it was ironic last week when we had a therapy session scheduled, and having made my decision was not super excited to go, but was ready. My wife asked to cancel at the last minute to "work on our son's birthday party." She had been off all week, but needed THIS hour to do further preparations for a party at our house.

 

[culdeus]

Baseball cornhole?

 

[Disco Stu]

I thought it was ironic last week when we had a therapy session scheduled, and having made my decision was not super excited to go, but was ready. My wife asked to cancel at the last minute to "work on our son's birthday party." She had been off all week, but needed THIS hour to do further preparations for a party at our house.

Wow.