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Wife uses sex as a weapon (1 Viewer)

'Big Cat said:
Actually, this very thing became an issue when I got divorced. Two girls were aged 7 and 6 and they shared a room and a queen-sized bed while we were married. My SOP was to read them a story and then lie in the middle, on top of the covers, while they both fell asleep under the covers. After they fell asleep, which was usually 30 minutes or so, I would leave the room. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate going on, and the girls really liked to fall asleep in my arms. But that didn't stop the ex's lawyer from making an issue out of it. I actually had to agree, in writing, not to do this in order to have visitation with them. Needless to say, the girls could not understand why I had to leave the room after reading their story from that point forward. So it is something to be careful about.
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This is outrageous!!! I hate people that play that game. Mean, evil and not in the best interest of the kids.
 
'Mrs. BSR said:
'Big Cat said:
Actually, this very thing became an issue when I got divorced. Two girls were aged 7 and 6 and they shared a room and a queen-sized bed while we were married. My SOP was to read them a story and then lie in the middle, on top of the covers, while they both fell asleep under the covers. After they fell asleep, which was usually 30 minutes or so, I would leave the room. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate going on, and the girls really liked to fall asleep in my arms. But that didn't stop the ex's lawyer from making an issue out of it. I actually had to agree, in writing, not to do this in order to have visitation with them. Needless to say, the girls could not understand why I had to leave the room after reading their story from that point forward. So it is something to be careful about.
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This is outrageous!!! I hate people that play that game. Mean, evil and not in the best interest of the kids.
Click to expand...
Story time is one of the most precious times for a child. Good bonding time and then they are off to dreamland. After a divorce kids struggle to sleep through the night at times and...this is just terrible.If I'm playing devil's advocate, you're making story time too exciting if they don't fall asleep for another 30 minutes. Put em' to bed later or do something. Plus do you have to be there everytime they fall asleep? I mean like their eyes close, they see you just before...they always need to see you just before they doze off? Maybe you are just being extra sweet and literally want every waking moment with them. I get that, but was that how your mom or dad was with you? Read a story, put some of those glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, turn a night light on and let em' be. Maybe she's right and it's a tiny bit weird, but it sure isn't something she needs to make "a federal case" out of. Like any dad, you probably would have evolved into doing the star and nightlight thing like every other dad. She made you defensive and you stood your ground and....ugh I hate divorce. Let me go another route here:I have a friend that wakes up super early and gets dressed before his kids wake because his daughter walked in on him once and his ex through a tantrum about it. He's tired all the time...I mean always. He could have put a lock on his bedroom door. He could have told his ex to go spit and say stuff happens. Good luck to you and God Bless. I hope you can find the easy route, the amicable way to be with your ex. I couldn't have more sympathy for what you're going through.
 
UPDATE: After two months of simply avoiding each other, with my wife pretending that everything is just fine, even though we aren't sleeping in the same bed and not talking, we had the talk late last night.

Nothing assumed, nothing questioned, a very simple start by me: "I have been thinking daily, hourly, about every possible situation we could have with you, me and our family. It is not going to work. This is not going to work. You and I are not happy, and we are not going to be happy with each other."

Over the next hour, we both kept our composure, and just got through it. She made sure to let me know that I was the one throwing in the towel, not her, that she didn't think this was God's will, and that couples married a long time have tough patches but fight through it. I simply let her say these things, and she could tell my mind was beyond made up. Both of us realized that slinging mud at this point is useless, and we stayed away from anything like that. She asked me three different times, in different ways and different situations if I was going to fight her for the kids. I promised a solid "no" each time, but she says she can't trust anything I am saying at this point.

We talked money, and I promised my full support until we get things settled, full child support after that and that I would still be there whenever I need to be (baseball, Scouts, etc.) I made it clear I'm not divorcing my kids, and that her and I are attached due to the kids, and both of us need to be able to be there for them at all times.

The plan is to talk with my son's school councellor, get some suggestions on how to tell him, sit down and tell him and then tell my 3 year old daughter. I should be moved out within the next two weeks.

After we talked, I went on a long walk and felt the biggest lift off my shoulders. I know it's not going to be easy, but it has started.

 
'Bogart said:
UPDATE: After two months of simply avoiding each other, with my wife pretending that everything is just fine, even though we aren't sleeping in the same bed and not talking, we had the talk late last night.

Nothing assumed, nothing questioned, a very simple start by me: "I have been thinking daily, hourly, about every possible situation we could have with you, me and our family. It is not going to work. This is not going to work. You and I are not happy, and we are not going to be happy with each other."

Over the next hour, we both kept our composure, and just got through it. She made sure to let me know that I was the one throwing in the towel, not her, that she didn't think this was God's will, and that couples married a long time have tough patches but fight through it. I simply let her say these things, and she could tell my mind was beyond made up. Both of us realized that slinging mud at this point is useless, and we stayed away from anything like that. She asked me three different times, in different ways and different situations if I was going to fight her for the kids. I promised a solid "no" each time, but she says she can't trust anything I am saying at this point.

We talked money, and I promised my full support until we get things settled, full child support after that and that I would still be there whenever I need to be (baseball, Scouts, etc.) I made it clear I'm not divorcing my kids, and that her and I are attached due to the kids, and both of us need to be able to be there for them at all times.

The plan is to talk with my son's school councellor, get some suggestions on how to tell him, sit down and tell him and then tell my 3 year old daughter. I should be moved out within the next two weeks.

After we talked, I went on a long walk and felt the biggest lift off my shoulders. I know it's not going to be easy, but it has started.
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Buy this off Amazon yesterday. There are chapters devoted to talking to your children about what's happening and the author breaks it up into age groups. You don't have to read it cover to cover, but I strongly encourage you to pick this up....or get it at the library. And congrats, Bogart. You deserve to be happy in life. :thumbup:

 
Good luck buddy. It's not easy, but you did the right thing. No reason to go through life miserable. Better days are ahead...

 
This week's schedule:

Today: Take wife to airport. Take kids to Scouts.

Tuesday: Get kids to school. Pick up kids from school. Pick up wife late from airport.

Wednesday: After work, sit down with the kids and tell them Daddy is moving out. Allow some time for questions for a day or so.

Thursday: Baseball practice after work. Time for random talks and time with the kids.

Friday: Wife taking kids out to dinner, letting me pack up my things and get out of the house without the kids seeing it.

Saturday: Wake up in a new place.

Looks like a busy week.

 
'Bogart said:
This week's schedule:Today: Take wife to airport. Take kids to Scouts. Tuesday: Get kids to school. Pick up kids from school. Pick up wife late from airport.Wednesday: After work, sit down with the kids and tell them Daddy is moving out. Allow some time for questions for a day or so.Thursday: Baseball practice after work. Time for random talks and time with the kids.Friday: Wife taking kids out to dinner, letting me pack up my things and get out of the house without the kids seeing it.Saturday: Wake up in a new place.Looks like a busy week.
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So, uhh... how's this going to affect your baseball watching?
 
'Bogart said:
This week's schedule:Today: Take wife to airport. Take kids to Scouts. Tuesday: Get kids to school. Pick up kids from school. Pick up wife late from airport.Wednesday: After work, sit down with the kids and tell them Daddy is moving out. Allow some time for questions for a day or so.Thursday: Baseball practice after work. Time for random talks and time with the kids.Friday: Wife taking kids out to dinner, letting me pack up my things and get out of the house without the kids seeing it.Saturday: Wake up in a new place.Looks like a busy week.
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Do you think your kids have any idea something is up or will this come as a complete surprise to them? I forget how old they are.
 
Good luck Bogart! I hope that you have plans to see the kids over the weekend. It will reinforce the idea that even if you are gone, you will be there for them.

 
'Mrs. BSR said:
'Big Cat said:
Actually, this very thing became an issue when I got divorced. Two girls were aged 7 and 6 and they shared a room and a queen-sized bed while we were married. My SOP was to read them a story and then lie in the middle, on top of the covers, while they both fell asleep under the covers. After they fell asleep, which was usually 30 minutes or so, I would leave the room. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate going on, and the girls really liked to fall asleep in my arms. But that didn't stop the ex's lawyer from making an issue out of it. I actually had to agree, in writing, not to do this in order to have visitation with them. Needless to say, the girls could not understand why I had to leave the room after reading their story from that point forward. So it is something to be careful about.
Click to expand...
This is outrageous!!! I hate people that play that game. Mean, evil and not in the best interest of the kids.
Click to expand...
I have seen what I thought were ethical people do unspeakable acts when it comes to trying to get more money or sole custody going through divorce proceedings. One friend, who is one of the best Dads I've ever seen, got accused from his psycho wife of molesting their daughters. Another friend, who is as gentle as they come, just heard from his soon to be ex's attorney that they are claiming physical abuse. Total BS. I'm glad I married one of the good ones.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
'fatguyinalittlecoat said:
'Bogart said:
This week's schedule:Today: Take wife to airport. Take kids to Scouts. Tuesday: Get kids to school. Pick up kids from school. Pick up wife late from airport.Wednesday: After work, sit down with the kids and tell them Daddy is moving out. Allow some time for questions for a day or so.Thursday: Baseball practice after work. Time for random talks and time with the kids.Friday: Wife taking kids out to dinner, letting me pack up my things and get out of the house without the kids seeing it.Saturday: Wake up in a new place.Looks like a busy week.
Click to expand...
Do you think your kids have any idea something is up or will this come as a complete surprise to them? I forget how old they are.
Click to expand...
They are 7 and 3. The 3 year old knows nothing. I think the 7 year old might know something is up. He is wicked smart and very in tune to other people's feelings. He is a momma's boy, so the day to day won't affect him as much I think. My 3 year old daughter on the other hand is all about her Dad. It will be tougher on her, but I hope that the new routine is easier for her just based on her age and not as much long term memory.
 
'Disco Stu said:
So, uhh... how's this going to affect your baseball watching?
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Not sure. I'm sure I will get everything done.
'iamsmilin said:
Good luck Bogart! I hope that you have plans to see the kids over the weekend. It will reinforce the idea that even if you are gone, you will be there for them.
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We have baseball this Saturday, and plans for the weekend before Halloween, so I will be around a ton. Four more weeks of baseball have me around a lot during the week as well. The transistion will be gradual.
 
'Bogart said:
She made sure to let me know that I was the one throwing in the towel, not her, that she didn't think this was God's will, and that couples married a long time have tough patches but fight through it.
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Not taking sides but I have been married 29 years and she is absolutely right. We had some rocky periods, especially when the kids were young, but got through them and we are happier now than ever. Every situation is different though and I hope that everything works out well for you and your kids.

 
'Angry Beavers said:
did you get a lawyer yet? Is he/she ok with you moving out? Good Luck!
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I have talked with two lawyers and a mediator, and all three were surprised that I had not moved out already. So I am good there.
'Godsbrother said:
'Bogart said:
She made sure to let me know that I was the one throwing in the towel, not her, that she didn't think this was God's will, and that couples married a long time have tough patches but fight through it.
Click to expand...
Not taking sides but I have been married 29 years and she is absolutely right. We had some rocky periods, especially when the kids were young, but got through them and we are happier now than ever. Every situation is different though and I hope that everything works out well for you and your kids.
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I completely understand that, and was hoping that for us as well. This was not a fly-by-night decision. This was not weeks or months, but years in the making. Everyone fights, or have spells when you don't get along, but when you have extreme differences in very basic values, thoughts and needs, you have to make a change.My buddy told me today that I have paid for the last ten years, but got my kids out of it. I will take that trade everyday, but I don't have to keep paying.

Thanks for your good thoughts.

 
'Bogart said:
Over the next hour, we both kept our composure, and just got through it. She made sure to let me know that I was the one throwing in the towel, not her, that she didn't think this was God's will, and that couples married a long time have tough patches but fight through it. I simply let her say these things, and she could tell my mind was beyond made up. Both of us realized that slinging mud at this point is useless, and we stayed away from anything like that. She asked me three different times, in different ways and different situations if I was going to fight her for the kids. I promised a solid "no" each time, but she says she can't trust anything I am saying at this point.

We talked money, and I promised my full support until we get things settled, full child support after that and that I would still be there whenever I need to be (baseball, Scouts, etc.) I made it clear I'm not divorcing my kids, and that her and I are attached due to the kids, and both of us need to be able to be there for them at all times.
Click to expand...
My buddy told me today that I have paid for the last ten years, but got my kids out of it. I will take that trade everyday, but I don't have to keep paying.
Click to expand...
What do you think she's getting at regarding the bolded? It's obvious you want to keep your kids fully in your life, understandably, but it seems like she might be prepping herself to fight you on custody.
 
I recall a lenghty post in the FFA which recommends all the things to do before you file for divorce. I searched for it last night and earlier this morning, can anyone point this out for me?

 
'Grahamburn said:
'Bogart said:
Over the next hour, we both kept our composure, and just got through it. She made sure to let me know that I was the one throwing in the towel, not her, that she didn't think this was God's will, and that couples married a long time have tough patches but fight through it. I simply let her say these things, and she could tell my mind was beyond made up. Both of us realized that slinging mud at this point is useless, and we stayed away from anything like that. She asked me three different times, in different ways and different situations if I was going to fight her for the kids. I promised a solid "no" each time, but she says she can't trust anything I am saying at this point.

We talked money, and I promised my full support until we get things settled, full child support after that and that I would still be there whenever I need to be (baseball, Scouts, etc.) I made it clear I'm not divorcing my kids, and that her and I are attached due to the kids, and both of us need to be able to be there for them at all times.
Click to expand...
My buddy told me today that I have paid for the last ten years, but got my kids out of it. I will take that trade everyday, but I don't have to keep paying.
Click to expand...
What do you think she's getting at regarding the bolded? It's obvious you want to keep your kids fully in your life, understandably, but it seems like she might be prepping herself to fight you on custody.
Click to expand...
Being a mom is everything to her, even more than being a wife (a big reason we are where we are). She does not want to lose that. She is worried that my family might talk me into getting full time custody (won't happen), or if I find someone else, that she will try and talk me into getting full tim custody (again, won't happen). My mom had custody of me from ages 2 to 5, when my Dad fought to get custody of me. But it was a different time and a much different situation. My mom was living in the slums and barely making a living while my Dad was doing better and in the suburbs. Better house, better school district, better life. My wife won't have those issues in supporting my kids, but she still has that fear of history repeating itself.

 
'culdeus said:
It may be the wrong time to ask this, but did you ever figure out why her first X split on her?
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Just a few weeks ago, I talked to my Dad about tracking this guy down and finding out why. My Dad talked me out of it. Probably for the best.If I had to guess, if was for a lot of the same reasons that have split her and I up. She used to talk of him "wanting sex every day, multiple times a day and that 2-3 times a week just was not enough." I never pried any further, maybe I should have. If he went 7 years like I went for the last 10, I can see why he left.
 
'Bogart said:
'culdeus said:
It may be the wrong time to ask this, but did you ever figure out why her first X split on her?
Click to expand...
Just a few weeks ago, I talked to my Dad about tracking this guy down and finding out why. My Dad talked me out of it. Probably for the best.If I had to guess, if was for a lot of the same reasons that have split her and I up. She used to talk of him "wanting sex every day, multiple times a day and that 2-3 times a week just was not enough." I never pried any further, maybe I should have. If he went 7 years like I went for the last 10, I can see why he left.
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Yeah, this was the red flag that hit me a long time ago. On a forensic basis it would be good to know if both were the same cause of death here at least under the surface. Not really worth pursuing at this point.
 
Sunday: Cornhole with culdeus and Stu for Game 4 watching?

Good luck, GB. You have every single right in the world to hold your head high for the way you have handled this.

To better days ahead. :banned:

 
'Disco Stu said:
'Bogart said:
This week's schedule:Today: Take wife to airport. Take kids to Scouts. Tuesday: Get kids to school. Pick up kids from school. Pick up wife late from airport.Wednesday: After work, sit down with the kids and tell them Daddy is moving out. Allow some time for questions for a day or so.Thursday: Baseball practice after work. Time for random talks and time with the kids.Friday: Wife taking kids out to dinner, letting me pack up my things and get out of the house without the kids seeing it.Saturday: Wake up in a new place.Looks like a busy week.
Click to expand...
So, uhh... how's this going to affect your baseball watching?
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Excellent point. I see no discussion of what Nelson Cruz does to his Rangers pants.
 
'bentley said:
'Disco Stu said:
'Bogart said:
This week's schedule:Today: Take wife to airport. Take kids to Scouts. Tuesday: Get kids to school. Pick up kids from school. Pick up wife late from airport.Wednesday: After work, sit down with the kids and tell them Daddy is moving out. Allow some time for questions for a day or so.Thursday: Baseball practice after work. Time for random talks and time with the kids.Friday: Wife taking kids out to dinner, letting me pack up my things and get out of the house without the kids seeing it.Saturday: Wake up in a new place.Looks like a busy week.
Click to expand...
So, uhh... how's this going to affect your baseball watching?
Click to expand...
Excellent point. I see no discussion of what Nelson Cruz does to his Rangers pants.
Click to expand...
Nellie Cruz is the only excitement going on in my pants right now.
 
'Bogart said:
'culdeus said:
It may be the wrong time to ask this, but did you ever figure out why her first X split on her?
Click to expand...
Just a few weeks ago, I talked to my Dad about tracking this guy down and finding out why. My Dad talked me out of it. Probably for the best.If I had to guess, if was for a lot of the same reasons that have split her and I up. She used to talk of him "wanting sex every day, multiple times a day and that 2-3 times a week just was not enough." I never pried any further, maybe I should have. If he went 7 years like I went for the last 10, I can see why he left.
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To which you replied, "2-3 times a week, where do I sign up?". Sounds like she is embellishing her story, happy trails.
 
I guess a Final Update:

Not much left to say. I left work early on Friday, got to the house and started packing up my stuff. I only took my clothes, personal hygiene stuff, beer and my computer. Things I am leaving behind for now are CDs, movies, books, my liquor cabinet and my golf clubs. Once I get my place, I will come back and get those. Everything else I am leaving behind for my kids. I have told my wife on any downsizing she does, let me know and if I need anything I will take it.

About an hour into packing my stuff, my wife shows up by herself. We had a very good conversation, talking about plans, how we are going to split some stuff up, things we need to do for the kids. At one point she says, "I know I'm not good at this wife thing, but I can still be a kick ### mom." I told her I wanted her happy, needed her happy, so she could be that kick ### mom. We had some laughs, some inside jokes, some tears (more her than me, in fact she hates that I never cry and said "If you ever wanted to squeeze out a tear, now would be a good time). It was a true moment. Any other place and time it would have probably ended up with the sechs. Ironic, I know. We talked about how we are stuck together, no reason we can't be nice about this and help each other. She said her first ex-husband was very bad to her, and she didn't hate him, so there was no reason to hate me as I had never been bad to her at all.

I finished packing up and headed out, texting her so she knew it was cool to bring the kids home. I saw the family 24 hours later at my son's baseball game where he played, I coached and my wife and daughter watched. Afterwards we went and got some dinner as a family and then went our seperate ways. It was nice. We will see each other on Monday for scouts and I will pick up my son for baseball practice on Thursday. A nice slow transition.

Like I said, not much more to say. Still the actual divorce to happen and me getting a place, pretty boring stuff. I don't see any value (entertainment or otherwise) in posting about that.

Thanks to all for the comments, well wishes, jokes, etc. This thread really helped me work through this whole situation.

:banned: :thumbup:

 
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