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Wooing my neighbor: I came. I hugged. I wooed. Now moving on. (1 Viewer)

I thought you were going too slow and yet after this last update I think you should slow down the formality but speed up the casualness of it. I see the path to real dating being a long one at this point...after such meaningful personal conversation I don't know if it's the right move to try and ask her to dinner. It's almost like an invitation to a long session of sharing personal feelings while also eating some food. And that sounds pretty exhausting. It got too real too quickly.

I think you keep it simpler and kind of fun...maybe some midweek texts, add in some more one night this weekend after your kids are sleeping and you've had a few drinks. Forgot ages of all involved and if this is practical but if she has a similar situation going on, maybe you can turn it into having one more drink with her in her backyard while your kids are sleeping. 

Nothing says you can't develop a more serious relationship that starts with some casual stuff. 

 
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Timmay said:
Sure, some of the best relationships start out as friends. However, Most friends continue to be just friends and get to hear about her "nasty" divorce while sipping on coffee on a rain free day in LA, to later will be watching her kids while she is going out with her boyfriend. 
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So what do you suggest he do? You can't force something to work if it's not meant to be. You can't force someone to be your friend if it's not meant to be, let alone a relationship with kids involved. This biz of being the babysitter while she goes out with her bf is a schtick thought. She doesn't appear to me right now at least to be the type to want to hurt someone, which is why this going slow and more talking is even more necessary now. And he has already stated some pages back that he's fine if they remain good friends though that's not his preference.

 
Kanil said:
You've played it perfectly thus far.  Next steps:

  1. Install the gutters on her house while she's out one day
  2. Break into her house, cover the floor with rose petals and leave a note on her bed along the lines of, "I love you and won't live without you"
  3. ?????
  4. Watch the Saints game
  5. Profit 
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:lol:

 
Nathan R. Jessep said:
I led with some idle chit chat and then she asked me to tell her some of the promised stories about my past. So I just started talking. She listened attentively. She added comments here and there. She was patient as I struggled for words in some parts. She was understanding and compassionate about what I was telling her. So that was probably the first half of the date. Then it was her turn. She bared a bit of her soul to me, honestly. She told me some things that I feel like were not easy for her to tell, but I think me telling her about my past helped her to open up to me some. 

....

Boring update, I know, but successful coffee date. And she already texted me (she text me first) saying thank you and thanks for listening to her. 
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The "It's so nice talking to you, I feel like I've known you forever... I wouldn't dream of risking our friendship by dating" Iceberg is bearing down on you right now and you're too busy high-fiving yourself you don't even see it. 

I want you to succeed man, and I get that this isn't hit / quit woman for you.... however you're ALREADY a high risk dating proposition living next door... becoming her "Trusted emotional advisor" is going to get her to emotionally bond to you, but not in a way you're going to like. 

You need a real date bro.. with booze, and actual real physical contact (hand on waist/leg, face to face up close, closing with a kiss). It has to happen in the next meeting or you're in trouble. Seriously. 

 
CurlyNight said:
So what do you suggest he do? You can't force something to work if it's not meant to be. You can't force someone to be your friend if it's not meant to be, let alone a relationship with kids involved. This biz of being the babysitter while she goes out with her bf is a schtick thought. She doesn't appear to me right now at least to be the type to want to hurt someone, which is why this going slow and more talking is even more necessary now. And he has already stated some pages back that he's fine if they remain good friends though that's not his preference.
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It depends on what his ultimate end goal is, only he knows the answer to that. If he wants to be just friends, i think he played this beautifully. Could it still work out that they fall madly in love, sure its possible. If he wants more than being friends, I think he should of done the BBQ in the beginning, then went on a dinner date with no kids. No zoo/trampoline zone, no coffee, no lunch. Something that could of led to something a little more serious than saying bye with a smile. Personally I would of waited until later in the week or weekend as well.

 
Nathan R. Jessep said:
:lol: There has been plenty of negging and good-natured trash-talking (on both sides) via text and chit chats, GB, don't worry.  
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And you haven't posted the transcripts? :kicksrock:  

 
I've been out of the game for some years now, but what about after-work Happy Hour? I know the obvious issue of this is both of you with kids potentially in daycare/school/etc , but a happy hour right after work could be just what the doctor ordered.

It's not an actual date per se, but this way you can incorporate some alcohol to help shoot the #### about the less serious stuff (like the new Saints apparel collection NIKE is offering this year) and learn a different side of her you otherwise wouldn't in a "coffee date" type scenario.

 
[icon] said:
The "It's so nice talking to you, I feel like I've known you forever... I wouldn't dream of risking our friendship by dating" Iceberg is bearing down on you right now and you're too busy high-fiving yourself you don't even see it. 

I want you to succeed man, and I get that this isn't hit / quit woman for you.... however you're ALREADY a high risk dating proposition living next door... becoming her "Trusted emotional advisor" is going to get her to emotionally bond to you, but not in a way you're going to like. 

You need a real date bro.. with booze, and actual real physical contact (hand on waist/leg, face to face up close, closing with a kiss). It has to happen in the next meeting or you're in trouble. Seriously. 
Click to expand...
He's already in trouble. He just doesn't know it yet. 

I can't imagine having a conversation like that on a first real-ish date. 

 
Timmay said:
It depends on what his ultimate end goal is, only he knows the answer to that. If he wants to be just friends, i think he played this beautifully. Could it still work out that they fall madly in love, sure its possible. If he wants more than being friends, I think he should of done the BBQ in the beginning, then went on a dinner date with no kids. No zoo/trampoline zone, no coffee, no lunch. Something that could of led to something a little more serious than saying bye with a smile. Personally I would of waited until later in the week or weekend as well.
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Also, I guarantee she is not telling her friends or family or girl version of FBG forum that she went out on a coffee DATE. She is saying she met up with a friend for some coffee. 

 
Willie Neslon said:
I don't like these deep conversations up front. Take it to a romantic place first and this stuff comes later. What good is knowing all the gritty life story if the chemistry isn't there? It's like you're framing/defining the relationship before there is one. Talking beyond the surface about the past/exes before you've even hooked up? Why? You want her to look forward to seeing you for other reasons, not because you're an outlet where she can unload baggage. I say no more coffee/therapy sessions.  Go have some fun! 
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This. Your coffee deal sounds like a horrible "date". 

You didn't answer an important question I asked, does she drink?

 
I agree with the consensus.  You should play games with her emotions, get both of you drunk, avoid being honest about the things that are important to you, change your wardrobe, and whatever you do, don't be yourself.  You want her to be an amalgam of the residual self images and unfulfilled desires of a bunch of 40 somethings and born again virgins who haven't moved on from a side board of an outdated social media site dedicated to their magic football hobby, because if you're going to try to hook up with a single mom with baggage who lives right next door to you, you don't want to risk starting things off on the worst imaginable foot, you want to guarantee it.

 
Timmay said:
It depends on what his ultimate end goal is, only he knows the answer to that. If he wants to be just friends, i think he played this beautifully. Could it still work out that they fall madly in love, sure its possible. If he wants more than being friends, I think he should of done the BBQ in the beginning, then went on a dinner date with no kids. No zoo/trampoline zone, no coffee, no lunch. Something that could of led to something a little more serious than saying bye with a smile. Personally I would of waited until later in the week or weekend as well.
Click to expand...
You really think if he did this v that it makes a difference in how it could progress?? Her mind is occupied right now with the finalising of the divorce and her kids, and well her own well being as well. One thing I can tell you that's on her mind is if the ex is going to really pay child support, alimony if the marriage qualifies. She hardly knows what she wants right now, imo, which is what the talking and going slow is all about.

There is no wrong move other than not listening to her when after the coffee date today she said she has more to say, and jumping into the dating mode right now. Like I said before, I have a feeling right now that it's going to be great friends for now and see where it goes. Of course I hope it's a great love story ending but life is going to happen however it's meant to happen.

 
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CurlyNight said:
Yep. Definitely need another coffee or lunch gig next up before the date thing with the way things went and were left off. Need to find out why divorce took so long after separation for one and find out what else she has to say.
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This right here is exhibit A of exactly why you do NOT need to do this.... 

:lol: jesus tapdancing christ.... why don't you have her lay down on a chaise lounge in a darkened room while you're at it. Back to back head shrinking sessions (on dates 1 and 2 no less) is too much... Get out for a fun date, THEN get back to asking if she has any unresolved feelings about her father. 

 

 
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I think he is fine.  In fact I don't think he could have possibly played it better.  She wanted to get the baggage stuff off her chest and see if he was still interested.  She probably has doubts that a decent, upstanding, young, code-red-calling Colonel like NRJ would still accept her after hearing about the baggage.  She sent some flirty texts afterward to gauge his reaction.  She also may be very leery of having actual dates before the divorce is final.  This may be a big deal to her. 

If it were me I would make it abundantly clear to her that I was still interested in her.  Maybe an invitation to go out on a real date when her divorce is final.  It can always be moved up if she wants to, but if not, ok.

 
Coeur de Lion said:
Depending on the nature and severity of the baggage, and the fact that she's not divorced yet despite being separated for several years, plus the neighbors / kids stuff -- proceed with extreme caution no matter how cute she is and how "normal" and grounded she seems to be.
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Yea. Dont #### where you eat. 

 
bostonfred said:
I agree with the consensus.  You should play games with her emotions, get both of you drunk, avoid being honest about the things that are important to you, change your wardrobe, and whatever you do, don't be yourself.  You want her to be an amalgam of the residual self images and unfulfilled desires of a bunch of 40 somethings and born again virgins who haven't moved on from a side board of an outdated social media site dedicated to their magic football hobby, because if you're going to try to hook up with a single mom with baggage who lives right next door to you, you don't want to risk starting things off on the worst imaginable foot, you want to guarantee it.
Click to expand...
Not sure anyone is seriously suggesting playing games with her emotions, or slipping her a roofie and dragging her limp body back to the local Red Roof In. But is the next step for them each to run a full background and credit check and start setting up interviews with references? 

They've had a good talk. That is a good thing. Now take her out for something fun... doesn't have to involve alcohol or sex... hell it SHOULDN'T involve the latter yet. That said, she's got enough serious in her life. You can earn a LOT of points right now by helping her escape from it for a couple hours, have some fun, and make her feel like an attractive woman who is being pursued, rather than a divorced mother of 3 who is being psychoanalyzed by her new neighbor. 

Sometimes people have to be saved from themselves. I have no doubt that as a female, she thinks she'd LOVE the idea of another marathon emotional discussion... but at the same time, an actual fun date to bleed off some real world pressure will be much better for both parties in the end. 

There is plenty of time to dive deeper into the skeletons... but a break from that right now is wise, IMO. 

 
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bostonfred said:
I agree with the consensus.  You should play games with her emotions, get both of you drunk, avoid being honest about the things that are important to you, change your wardrobe, and whatever you do, don't be yourself.  You want her to be an amalgam of the residual self images and unfulfilled desires of a bunch of 40 somethings and born again virgins who haven't moved on from a side board of an outdated social media site dedicated to their magic football hobby, because if you're going to try to hook up with a single mom with baggage who lives right next door to you, you don't want to risk starting things off on the worst imaginable foot, you want to guarantee it.
Click to expand...
This guy gets it.

 
CurlyNight said:
So what do you suggest he do? You can't force something to work if it's not meant to be. You can't force someone to be your friend if it's not meant to be, let alone a relationship with kids involved. This biz of being the babysitter while she goes out with her bf is a schtick thought. She doesn't appear to me right now at least to be the type to want to hurt someone, which is why this going slow and more talking is even more necessary now. And he has already stated some pages back that he's fine if they remain good friends though that's not his preference.
Click to expand...
Yes, but you can build attraction instead of destroying it.  NRJ is doing the latter with the nice guy routine.

 
[icon] said:
This right here is exhibit A of exactly why you do NOT need to do this.... 

:lol: jesus tapdancing christ.... why don't you have her lay down on a chaise lounge in a darkened room while you're at it. Back to back head shrinking sessions (on dates 1 and 2 no less) is too much... Get out for a fun date, THEN get back to asking if she has any unresolved feelings about her father. 

 
Click to expand...
:goodposting:

 
She's just been rejected by a man and is saddled with two kids.  Now, more than ever, she needs validation that she's still desirable.  She needs to feel like a woman.

That's where a penis muppet comes in.

 
[icon] said:
Not sure anyone is seriously suggesting playing games with her emotions, or slipping her a roofie and dragging her limp body back to the local Red Roof In. But is the next step for them each to run a full background and credit check and start setting up interviews with references? 

They've had a good talk. That is a good thing. Now take her out for something fun... doesn't have to involve alcohol or sex... hell it SHOULDN'T involve the latter yet. That said, she's got enough serious in her life. You can earn a LOT of points right now by helping her escape from it for a couple hours, have some fun, and make her feel like an attractive woman who is being pursued, rather than a divorced mother of 3 who is being psychoanalyzed by her new neighbor. 

Sometimes people have to be saved from themselves. I have no doubt that as a female, she LOVES the idea of marathon emotional discussions... but at the same time, an actual fun date to bleed off some real world pressure will be much better for both parties in the end. 

 
Click to expand...
Agree. But the way the coffee date ended today, she has more to say and has asked to do so. If both are still fine after this then back to having fun as well. If the next date wasn't one where I could continue where I last left off in convo then I wouldn't be happy about the proposition to do something fun..

 
[icon] said:
The "It's so nice talking to you, I feel like I've known you forever... I wouldn't dream of risking our friendship by dating" Iceberg is bearing down on you right now and you're too busy high-fiving yourself you don't even see it. 

I want you to succeed man, and I get that this isn't hit / quit woman for you.... however you're ALREADY a high risk dating proposition living next door... becoming her "Trusted emotional advisor" is going to get her to emotionally bond to you, but not in a way you're going to like. 

You need a real date bro.. with booze, and actual real physical contact (hand on waist/leg, face to face up close, closing with a kiss). It has to happen in the next meeting or you're in trouble. Seriously. 
Click to expand...
can't wait for the "She came over tonight to tell me all about the guy she slept with and he was sooooooooo good" update.

 
CurlyNight said:
Agree. But the way the coffee date ended today, she has more to say and has asked to do so. If both are still fine after this then back to having fun as well. If the next date wasn't one where I could continue where I last left off in convo then I wouldn't be happy about the proposition to do something fun..
Click to expand...

Sometimes people have to be saved from themselves. I have no doubt that as a female, she LOVES the idea of marathon emotional discussions... but at the same time, an actual fun date to bleed off some real world pressure will be much better for both parties in the end.
Click to expand...
 
krista4 said:
Agreed.  A lot of complete misunderstanding of the Friend Zone here.  There's no danger of his "going into" it; he's either already there or he won't be.  I'll trust the OP's instincts that he is not.
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You're a woman - you ever spent two days with a guy you're sexually attracted to and then invite him out for coffee to rant about your ex?

 
cstu said:
Yes, but you can build attraction instead of destroying it.  NRJ is doing the latter with the nice guy routine.
Click to expand...
That's your opinion (which you are of course entitled to) based on what I've written here, but you don't know that for a fact and there's honestly no way you could know that, GB. Now, I'm not saying that couldn't happen and if it does, it just happens. I happen to be a nice ####### guy and if she's not into nice guys, then it wouldn't work in the long run anyway. I'm ok with that, if that's how it ends, but as of right now, that's not where we are. 

 
You guys are misreading this gal. She's already got one leg in his bed and knows it. She's thinking about him constantly.

Sooner or later they'll be watching a saint s game drinking beer and hugging and then it'll be we need to put the kids to bed and go #### like monkeys. Now

 
Nathan R. Jessep said:
That's your opinion (which you are of course entitled to) based on what I've written here, but you don't know that for a fact and there's honestly no way you could know that, GB. Now, I'm not saying that couldn't happen and if it does, it just happens. I happen to be a nice ####### guy and if she's not into nice guys, then it wouldn't work in the long run anyway. I'm ok with that, if that's how it ends, but as of right now, that's not where we are. 
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Between the tats and the marriage situation she is most definitely not into "nice guys"

 
CurlyNight said:
You really think if he did this v that it makes a difference in how it could progress?? Her mind is occupied right now with the finalising of the divorce and her kids, and well her own well being as well. One thing I can tell you that's on her mind is if the ex is going to really pay child support, alimony if the marriage qualifies. She hardly knows what she wants right now, imo, which is what the talking and going slow is all about.

There is no wrong move other than not listening to her when after the coffee date today she said she has more to say, and jumping into the dating mode right now. Like I said before, I have a feeling right now that it's going to be great friends for now and see where it goes. Of course I hope it's a great love story ending but life is going to happen however it's meant to happen.
Click to expand...
This is nonsense - if he was Brad Pitt you think she'd be going out on coffee dates with him?

 
Nathan R. Jessep said:
I understand this sentiment, I do. But I think the traditional rules are out the window with 2 divorcees each with kids. If it is being contemplated as a serious thing, then you absolutely need to know some history, IMO. At least I do, I can't speak for her. But it seems that she's approaching it the same way. Once both are comfortable, which comes from being open and honest, then the rest will take care of itself, IMHO. 

And again, I agree with moving forward to fun, but she seemed like she had more to say, and I want to hear what she has to say. The eject button is never far away if I deem it necessary, from whatever may come. 
Click to expand...
Can't wait for The Crying Game like conclusion to this story.

 
cstu said:
This is nonsense - if he was Brad Pitt you think she'd be going out on coffee dates with him?
Click to expand...
If she's halfway intelligent, then probably yes. She's in the final stages of a messy divorce, has young kids, and lives next door. On the potential disaster scale, this isn't quite banging your boss' wife behind his back, but it's closer to that than it is to a random date. Caution is warranted on both sides.

 
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