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Funny things your kid has said (2 Viewers)

12 year old daughter was at the mall with a friend and was supposed to get a ride home with the friend's mom. My daughter calls my wife to ask if she can get chick-fill-a and bring it home for dinner (the plan was to buy it right before they left). My wife say's sure... but can you bring home another meal for your sister? My daughter says "Uuuugh! It would be so much easier if you just drove to get dinner for her."

 
Last night on the way to/from ballet I somehow managed to teach my 5 year old daughter that a redneck is someone who leaves their xmas lights up all year. :shrug: When we got home, the neighbor lady was in the process of hanging valentines day lights (no, really). While still in the driveway, my daughter asked if the neighbor was a redneck because she still had her xmas lights up. I explained to my daughter that that: a) they were valentines day lights, and that b) yes, the lady is a redneck. After we got out of the car my Daughter proceeded to walk directly up to the neighbor and daid "Hi Ms Joy, Daddy says you are a redneck." :unsure: Kids are special.

 
This morning the wife and I were flirting around and I smacked her on the ###. My 4 year old saw it and for the rest of the morning was singing, "I'm going to hit your booty". The wife just picked him up from day care and the teacher asked about it. Doh!

 
My son is 18 months. Recently he's starting to climb on top of whatever he can...over the course of one morning, he managed to climb onto the train table, kids kitchen table, and finally the coffee table. He knows this is wrong, and after each time, I put him in time out for a minute.After he leaves time out, I walk over to the kitchen and start doing something and he walks over to the coffee table and pulls out the basket of books that we store underneath it and is using the basket as leverage to climb back onto the table. At this point he has a foot on the basket and is clearly going to climb, but hasn't actually climbed on top of the table yet. I look over at him and he sees me.Knowing he's busted, he just smiles and says "Books!"...and grabs a book and started to "read" it. :lmao:

 
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The funniest thing I heard my youngest daughter said would get me a time-out here. And there weren't any cuss words in it, either.

 
'Jaysus said:
Last night on the way to/from ballet I somehow managed to teach my 5 year old daughter that a redneck is someone who leaves their xmas lights up all year. :shrug: When we got home, the neighbor lady was in the process of hanging valentines day lights (no, really). While still in the driveway, my daughter asked if the neighbor was a redneck because she still had her xmas lights up. I explained to my daughter that that: a) they were valentines day lights, and that b) yes, the lady is a redneck. After we got out of the car my Daughter proceeded to walk directly up to the neighbor and daid "Hi Ms Joy, Daddy says you are a redneck." :unsure: Kids are special.
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:lmao:
 
Forgot to post this in this thread. Our 6 year old left a note for the tooth fairy a couple months ago. At that point she hadn't lost her first tooth yet. Evidently she had left the note under her pillow, and my wife found it in the trash.

Dear Tooth Fairy

 
Just recalled one: While shopping for/with my then 5/6 year old in a Macy's located in a nearby mall a number of years back, I expressed my frustration with the lack of selection by stating something to the effect of, "This store is jam packed with WOMEN'S stuff. I can't find anything we need here."We walked silently over to the nearby elevator and hit the down button. As we waited, my little man broke the silence- "I guess that's why they call it the Walt Women's Mall..." :lmao: (It's the Walt Whitman Mall.)

 
we had dinner last week with a ladyfriend joining us. she's wearing a striped blouse like this . my almost 3 year old has met her several times before and seems to like her well enough. he leans over at the dinner table towards me, keeping his eyes on our dinner companion, and says to me in muffled voice,"Is M---- a zebra?"

i almost did a spit-take.

 
'saintfool said:
we had dinner last week with a ladyfriend joining us. she's wearing a striped blouse like this . my almost 3 year old has met her several times before and seems to like her well enough. he leans over at the dinner table towards me, keeping his eyes on our dinner companion, and says to me in muffled voice,"Is M---- a zebra?"i almost did a spit-take.
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:penalty:
 
'Worm said:
Forgot to post this in this thread. Our 6 year old left a note for the tooth fairy a couple months ago. At that point she hadn't lost her first tooth yet. Evidently she had left the note under her pillow, and my wife found it in the trash.Dear Tooth Fairy
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:lmao: my 3 yr old said he was gonna kill his mommy and put her head in the oven and take her head off. Ok maybe thats not so funny :unsure:
 
Daughter works at the on campus day care at UCSB. At Halloween one of the little ones (2 or 3) came in wearing a cat costume. Very cute little girl. They go outside to play the little girl pulls down her costume, squats and promptly takes a dump in the sandbox. Everyone was horrified and my daughter ran up to her. "Sophie, what are you doing?" "Ms Jennifer, I'm just trying to stay in character". They were rolling laughing as they quarantined the sandbox

 
'Judge Smails said:
Daughter works at the on campus day care at UCSB. At Halloween one of the little ones (2 or 3) came in wearing a cat costume. Very cute little girl. They go outside to play the little girl pulls down her costume, squats and promptly takes a dump in the sandbox. Everyone was horrified and my daughter ran up to her. "Sophie, what are you doing?" "Ms Jennifer, I'm just trying to stay in character". They were rolling laughing as they quarantined the sandbox
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:goodposting: too much hahahathanks for sharing
 
Arrived at school to pickup my son (6). Saw a mean game of football being played with him at QB. Me: Son, how was the football game. Son: FunMe: We're you playing quarterback the whole time?Him: No DAD, I was the QB....

 
My wife was able to pull a good one on our kids (10, 9, 6) today.

After school today, separately, she approached each kid and with variations on...

Mom: Did you get in trouble today? I received a call from your principal today, do you have anything to tell me?

My oldest could be called "ParanoidMan." He takes everything and turns it to its worst possibility. He started whimpering, saying "What did I do? What did I do?"

My wife works with the school's PTO. The principal was calling in response to a question on an email she had sent to him.

They practically collapsed. Isn't parenting fun!!!

 
About a week ago, my youngest daughter (almost 6 months) was taking a nap in her bassinet in our room. My older daughter (almost 2, and working on putting sentences together) heard our dogs barking in our backyard, went to the back door, and told them, "Goggies, hush! Baby sleep!" My wife and I thought that was hilarious.

She also likes to tell trucks and buses we pass on the road "bye bye, tuck/bus."

 
In an ironic twist, my 3 1/2 year old daughter likes to "holla" at the construction workers as we drive by. She's always like, Hey guys! It's funny to watch because they never know where it's coming from.

 
rascal said:
This morning the wife and I were flirting around and I smacked her on the ###. My 4 year old saw it and for the rest of the morning was singing, "I'm going to hit your booty". The wife just picked him up from day care and the teacher asked about it. Doh!
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Last Sunday I pinched my wife's ### and made her jump in front of my son (2 yrs). He thought it was the funniest thing ever. Later that day we went out to eat lunch and as the waitress is taking the order next to us my son reaches over and pinches her butt.

Waitress: :o ... then :wub: once she saw my son.

Wife: :hot:

Me & Son: :hifive:

 
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PitbullTD said:
Me: Nannah, you tired?Daughter: Nooooo!Me: You look tired baby, want to take a nap?Her: I wake up!Not too funny typing it, but I guess its just funny the way she says it. Especially in the car when shes damn near passed out. "I wake up!" Has me rolling every time.
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I can relate. When my middle daughter was 2, we would greet her every morning with a big "Good morning!" and she would reply in kind. Then we took her on vacation to visit family in MA. She was so amped up to see everyone and didn't want to take her afternoon nap...

Me: (putting her down in the crib)

Her: (popping right up) Good morning!

Me: (putting her back down) Time to take a nap, sweetie.

Her: (popping right up again) Good Morning!

Me: (starting to leave the room and shut the door) Happy nappy!

Her: (panic seeping in) GOOD MORNING!!!

My family was amused by this...and horrified by the shrieks of terror that ensued.

 
My daughter could be rubbing her eyes, fighting sleep with everything she's got, if we ask her if she's tired, she'll reply "Nope." She will get fussy when it's her nap time or bed time, but she'll calm down after a few minutes.

 
Kal El said:
My daughter could be rubbing her eyes, fighting sleep with everything she's got, if we ask her if she's tired, she'll reply "Nope." She will get fussy when it's her nap time or bed time, but she'll calm down after a few minutes.
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My 4yo daughter has never admitted to being tired in her life. Even 20 seconds before she passes out.

 
Kanil said:
rascal said:
This morning the wife and I were flirting around and I smacked her on the ###. My 4 year old saw it and for the rest of the morning was singing, "I'm going to hit your booty". The wife just picked him up from day care and the teacher asked about it. Doh!
Click to expand...
Last Sunday I pinched my wife's ### and made her jump in front of my son (2 yrs). He thought it was the funniest thing ever. Later that day we went out to eat lunch and as the waitress is taking the order next to us my son reaches over and pinches her butt. Waitress: :o ... then :wub: once she saw my son.Wife: :hot:Me & Son: :hifive:
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Love it!
 
I tell my 6 year old that he and his 9 year old brother are going to have to help me in the yard.(its hot outside) He says "why doesnt Makaela have to help" (13 year old sister) I say "boys do the outside and girls do the inside." He mumbles under his breath as we are walking out "Makaela needs Vitamin D too."

 
17seconds said:
Kal El said:
My daughter could be rubbing her eyes, fighting sleep with everything she's got, if we ask her if she's tired, she'll reply "Nope." She will get fussy when it's her nap time or bed time, but she'll calm down after a few minutes.
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My 4yo daughter has never admitted to being tired in her life. Even 20 seconds before she passes out.
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She will admit it, but very rarely.

 
smotherhook said:
I tell my 6 year old that he and his 9 year old brother are going to have to help me in the yard.(its hot outside) He says "why doesnt Makaela have to help" (13 year old sister) I say "boys do the outside and girls do the inside." He mumbles under his breath as we are walking out "Makaela needs Vitamin D too."
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:lol: Nice.

 
Lately, my daughter likes to say "bye bye" to things. After washing her hands, she'll say "bye bye, bubble" as the soap bubbles go down the drain. The other morning, I had our younger daughter with me upstairs, changing her. I go into their bedroom to wake the older one up, who does so, gets out of bed, walks past me to the closed door, opens it, and says "bye bye, Daddy" as she gets ready to go down stairs. I get her back in the room before she gets to the stairs, laughing, so I can get them ready for the day, but if I ever need proof that God has a sense of humor, I just have to watch my kids.

 
My mother-in-law watches our 3-year old daughter during the day while we work. They were at our house playing in her room.

MIL: I need to go downstairs and put the laundry in the dryer.

Daughter: Why?

MIL: I am helping your mommy with housework.

Daughter: NO. Stay here. You work for me, not Mommy.

MIL: (Surprised) What did you say?

Daughter: You heard me. You work for me. Stay here and play with me.

 
Daughter: Dad, why do you like coffee so much?

Me: I don't know, I guess it helps me make it through the day

Daughter: Mom doesn't like coffee, she likes wine.

Me: :lmao:

 
the other day I dropped my son off at school. it was a rocky morning between he and i leading up to it. i was running late. he was dawdling, doesn't like to be rushed, and would rather watch his morning video insread of go to school. it was all very dramatic - tears! -and tense between us while doing the drop off.

i felt awful the rest of the day while at the office.

when i pick him up at school, he has totally forgotten the morning's showdown and is delighted to see me. i take a moment and apologize to him. i explain that sometimes i get *really* frustrated, how terribly sorry i am, and that i shouldn't have been that way with him. he says all too easily "it's okay".

about an hour later, we are at my place and i'm in the bathroom. the door opens and i see my son leaning against the doorframe. he says,"you know, daddy, i sometimes get *really* frustrated with you too."

 
Years ago...

My kid is like 3. He takes a dump in the toilet and says he needs help. My wife's sister goes in to see what is up. He turns to her and says "holy sh!!" Thinking the Worst She says what did you say? He says, "uncle Dave always says holy cow after he goes, but this one looks more like a sheep to me."

 
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DocHolliday said:
My mother-in-law watches our 3-year old daughter during the day while we work. They were at our house playing in her room.

MIL: I need to go downstairs and put the laundry in the dryer.

Daughter: Why?

MIL: I am helping your mommy with housework.

Daughter: NO. Stay here. You work for me, not Mommy.

MIL: (Surprised) What did you say?

Daughter: You heard me. You work for me. Stay here and play with me.
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:lmao:

 
driving home and we smell a skunk.

me: pew, smell that skunk?

daughter: daddy, what do people allergic to tomato juice do?

me: :confused:

daughter: if you get sprayed by a skunk you, have to take a bath in tomato juice, but what do you do if you are allergic.

me: :shrug:

 
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This was someone else's kid. Remember the days when a kid would ask for a quarter or maybe a dollar.

I was waiting for an elevator near the arcade room at a hotel. Kid hanging out there asks me "Mister, can I have 20 bucks?"

I laughed.

 
My 8 year old had a baseball game today and it was the first time he was going to get to be catcher. Of course, the one requirement for him to play catcher was to wear a cup.

Today also happened to be picture day for the team earlier in the day (10am) before his 3pm game. He gets dressed in his full uniform but he's also putting his cup on. I explained that he didn't need to wear it for the picture but he insisted.

At the picture session I hear my son talking to his coach:

Son: "Coach, I'm ready" while he proceeds to bang mercilessly on his crotch.

Coach: "Alright, I guess you can catch today"

Me: :lmao:

 
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My 4 year old finally has some things he's said that I think qualify for this thread.

My wife is driving, and he and his 2 year old brother are in the back seat. A guy on a 10-speed bike is in the middle of the road.

Wife: Come on, get out of the road!

Wife: *fume*

Him: Just hit him, Mom.

Wife: (trying not to laugh) If I hit him, he'll get really hurt or dead.

Him: Oh...

Wife: And then I'll have to go to jail.

Him: Don't worry, mom, I won't tell anyone.

Her: :lmao:

It's pretty late at night and I'm driving the 4 year old home in my car. I have the radio on quietly to help him sleep, and I thought it had worked. Some song came on the radio I hadn't heard before, and the first line said something about hair being on fire. From the back seat I hear:

Him: His HAIR is on FIRE?

Me: I don't know, buddy, I guess so.

Him: Well that's not good.

My wife is describing something she thinks he'll think is really cool:

Her: Isn't that awesome? Is your mind blown?

Him: No mommy, it's not all the way blown. It's hanging by a thread.

 
Was playing the animal sound game with my almost three-year-old:

Me: What does the lion say?

Her: Rrrrrr!

Me: What does the cat say?

Her: Meow.

Me (going for the stumper): What does the turtle say?

Her: i.am.a.turtle.what.is.your.name?

...she busted out a robot voice for the turtle :lmao:

 
We've decided it's time to start potty training my son, and my wife's solution to this problem is the same as every other problem - buy a bunch of extraneous bull#### that someone invented to cash in on people who buy a bunch of extraneous bull####. In this case, she has an Elmo doll that drinks from a bottle, then says he has to go potty, and sits on his own potty. She also bought a child's potty that he can sit on that has pictures of Elmo and Dorothy on the tank, in addition to the Elmo themed seat that sits on our toilet, and an Elmo potty training DVD where Elmo talks about flushing and washing your hands and accidents. That seems like a pretty good use of a hundred bucks.

We give him a bottle, take off his diaper, and sit him down on the potty for the first time. She turns on the dvd, expecting him to magically make the connection between "hey, i get to watch an elmo video" and "hey, now that i have my diaper off and am sitting on this unfamiliar seat with both my parents watching, i should urinate". The latter is actually behavior we've actively discouraged until now, so I'm kind of glad that he didn't just sit down and start pissing everywhere. But any hope we had that he would sit still immediately went out the window when she turned the dvd on. He kept getting up and walking over to the little portable dvd player. So I move the dvd player over to the tub, so it's eye level, and set the potty in front of it, and he sits there without wiggling for a minute before my wife sets it back down on the floor and says "we can't put it on the tub, what if he knocks it in". Whatever. Thanks, wife.

So we sit there for a few minutes, awkwardly leering at his baby junk, wondering if peepee is just going to start flowing out of it at some point, and pushing him back onto the potty every time he starts to get up so he can see elmo better. My wife asks me to get him another drink, and I'm down for any vacation from this mini-hell I've been sentenced to this morning, so I go fill it up and we start forcefeeding the kid milk. Not surprisingly, he doesn't really want a second cup of milk in ten minutes, and keeps trying to set it down on the bathroom floor. So awesome.

So I take the bottle back, do my best to wash the bathroom floor off of it, and set it aside. My wife comes out of the bathroom and says, I can't believe he still hasn't peed. I stare at her like she has two heads as I ask, did you take leave him in there with no diaper? Sure enough, I look behind her, and there he is, standing up, hands on his hips, pissing all over the dvd player, waving his little butt back and forth like he's trying to spell his name in the snow. Good thing we didn't set the dvd player on the tub, honey.

 
Black Box said:
bostonfred said:
Sure enough, I look behind her, and there he is, standing up, hands on his hips, pissing all over the dvd player, waving his little butt back and forth like he's trying to spell his name in the snow.
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:lmao:
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:lmao: :lmao:

Potty training styles definitely is "different strokes for different folks", but as a dad of 3 I found the money spent on the props for child #1 a total waste. At least you get a good story out of the money spent.

 
Black Box said:
Was playing the animal sound game with my almost three-year-old:

Me: What does the lion say?

Her: Rrrrrr!

Me: What does the cat say?

Her: Meow.

Me (going for the stumper): What does the turtle say?

Her: i.am.a.turtle.what.is.your.name?

...she busted out a robot voice for the turtle :lmao:
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:lol:

You should have stumped her by asking "What does the fox say?"

 
9 year old asked me what "Dashicray" means. I said, "I don't know? Where did you hear it?" She says it was in the song I was listening to earlier. She was referring to N****s In Paris by Jay Z. Whoops. :bag:

 
Stepdaughter is 13, went on a "mission trip" with her dad's family to do some work on a reservation in South Dakota - fixing up houses, stuff like that. My wife was talking to someone about it, and mentioned the heat and how hot weather doesn't agree with the girl.

Her brother (12) with dead-on comic timing: "Neither does work."

:lmao:

 
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